ME, Tuesday June 28th

BIG SUPERSTAR SHOW!


The Tripple will be closing forever, very soon. This is where I ran a show for over 6 years, and where many comedy greats got their start -- and got heckled into next week. All the details of the show are below, but here's what's new:

--> I got awesome stories from comedy peeps who will not be in attendance like Rita Rudner, Adam Spiegelman and Jay Mohr about their Ye Olde experiences at Ye Olde Tripple. Will be reading these and more at the show.

--> Check out this week's Time Out NY -- you'll see Jane Borden gave us a sweet write up on the show.

Now see below for all the info. It's going to be awesome.

Felber’s Frolics is back (after a 2 year hiatus) for one final comedy show at Ye Old Tripple Inn. The joint has been sold to make way for condos.

Check out this nice tribute on Eric Drysdale’s site (He’s a pal and writer for The Daily Show) and below with the show info quotes from other comics. The news of the Tripple's demise came very recently, and the comics wanted a send off. There will be over 40 comics in attendance, with big impressive credits that’d make any comedy nerd drool. If you're a comic, come, especially if you have experience falling on the Tripple's comedy sword -- I'll try and put up as many people as possible.

FINAL BLOW OUT SUPERSTAR COMEDY SHOW/PARTY -- ONE NIGHT ONLY!
Tuesday, June 28th
Felber's Frolics Ye Olde Tripple Inn263 W 54th St. between Broadway & 8th Ave.
(closer to 8th)
8pm - FREE, no minimum
Subway: 1,9 to 50th, E to 7th Ave (53rd), C to 50th

"So many comics that are now ripping it up as writers, performers, TV personalities, got their start at this little hole-in-the wall bar where Susie Felber hosted her Felber's Frolics show for over 6 years. It was one of my favorites in the city, the site of so many crazy, outrageous, and lamentable comedy moments that I will never forget no matter how much therapy I undergo. The owners are selling the space, but Susie is hosting one final show, so come on by."

- Liam McEneaney from VH1's Best Week Ever, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, etc.

"Farewell to Ye Olde Tripple Inn!!For those of you who remember Felber's Frolics at Ye Olde Tripple Inn, you remember the magic of Susie Felber improvising songs while her brother Adam played keyboards, drunks heckling comics, comics heckling drunks, bagpipers sitting in with the band, Kid Rock, comics soaring on the energy of the crowd while other comics crashed and burned into a sad and unrecognizable heap. Well, for one last night it's BACK!! Ye Olde Tripple Inn is closing and Susie is reviving Felber's Frolics for one last blowout of a show! You won't want to miss this. You may as well call in sick on Wednesday the 29th because this is going to be the bash of all bashes!"

- Rob Paravonian from Comedy Central, VH1 and The Dr. Demento Radio Show

ME, Tonight +

Wednesday, June 22nd
"Still Standing"
9:30pm @ Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.
www.juviehall.com

Each month comics write new material based on a theme. In June, host AB Carney and her fellow stand-ups explore patriotism.
So... that’s what I’ll be doing. Not sure who else is on the bill.
Here's a link with more info: http://www.manhattancomedycollective.com/news.html

ME, Tuesday June 28th

BIG SUPERSTAR SHOW!

Felber’s Frolics is back (after a 2 year hiatus) for one final comedy show at Ye Old Tripple Inn. The joint has been sold to make way for condos.

Below, a link to a nice tribute on Eric Drysdale’s site (He’s a pal and writer for The Daily Show) and quotes from other comics. The news of the Tripple's demise came very recently, and the comics wanted a send off. There will be over 40 comics in attendance, with big impressive credits that’d make any comedy nerd drool. If you're a comic, come, especially if you have experience falling on the Tripple's comedy sword -- I'll try and throw up as many people as possible.

More here:
http://www.edrysdale.com/

And below:
FINAL BLOW OUT SUPERSTAR COMEDY SHOW/PARTY -- ONE NIGHT ONLY!
Tuesday, June 28th
Felber's Frolics Ye Olde Tripple Inn263 W 54th St. between Broadway & 8th Ave.
(closer to 8th)
8pm - FREE, no minimum
Subway: 1,9 to 50th, E to 7th Ave (53rd), C to 50th

"So many comics that are now ripping it up as writers, performers, TV personalities, got their start at this little hole-in-the wall bar where Susie Felber hosted her Felber's Frolics show for over 6 years. It was one of my favorites in the city, the site of so many crazy, outrageous, and lamentable comedy moments that I will never forget no matter how much therapy I undergo. The owners are selling the space, but Susie is hosting one final show, so come on by."

- Liam McEneaney from VH1's Best Week Ever, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, etc.

"Farewell to Ye Olde Tripple Inn!!For those of you who remember Felber's Frolics at Ye Olde Tripple Inn, you remember the magic of Susie Felber improvising songs while her brother Adam played keyboards, drunks heckling comics, comics heckling drunks, bagpipers sitting in with the band, Kid Rock, comics soaring on the energy of the crowd while other comics crashed and burned into asad and unrecognizable heap.Well, for one last night it's BACK!! Ye Olde Tripple Inn is closing and Susie is reviving Felber's Frolics for one last blowout of a show! You won't want to miss this. You may as well call in sick on Wednesday the 29th because this is going to be the bash of all bashes!"

- Rob Paravonian from Comedy Central, VH1 and The Dr. Demento Radio Show

Lookie dat, I got a blog shout out.

I'm mentioned here, in a nice and colorful riff on baked goods from a woman who clearly knows her stuff.

She's 19 years old and awesomely talented. I especially love poofy.net.

Check out this awesomeness from poofy.net:

Pancake Tree:The creatures of Poofyville visit the Pancake Tree to seek its wisdom.Sometimes the tree gives out pancakes. Sometimes it does not. Today the Pancake Tree says: Look at expiration dates. They're not kidding.

I've just discovered her self-published (i think) book of cartoons and I'm dying for a copy. That and the hand sewn poofies. Cool. Wow. Initiative.

This is what makes the interneted world a great place.

PS I'm performing Wednesday night at Juvie Hall. Info TK

ME, Interviewed.

On my birthday no less...

Check it out

Me, Tonight


WEDNESDAY, June 15th
Girls vs. Boys: Battle of the Indie Pop Bands
8pm - midnight @ Sin-e
150 Attorney Street @ Stanton
I'm hosting. Fun fun, supah fun.
$8
Here's the link that also plays fab music:

http://www.myspace.com/girlsVSboysNYC

Very Important Poll Are my pictures from yesterday's post awesome or what? Hell yeah! No, I am a robot immune to dog charms and emotions such as happiness. view results Easy online poll builder - free! $5 Web Hosting!

Q: Who's to blame for putting lame poll technology in the wrong hands?
A: http://www.dancronin.com/

My Secret Double Life -- revealed!

or...

Hamptons Schmamtons!


So, on Wednesday night I'm hosting a fabulous indie rock competition. Scroll down for details.

But when not living my supah sexy Manhattan life, what am I doing?

For the past two and a half years, I've been sneaking off to my 2 bedroom villa in the Catskills every chance I get.

Here's a sneak peek from this past weekend.


My groundskeeper shows off the Luna moth I found. I watched it do a death mambo. Then, I came back an hour later and it was dead. Don't even try to pin this one on me, bucko!


Muchos Grassyass!


Stan of Action


I had to dig, amend and create this Flintstonesesque medieval herb garden. It took far too long.


My 2nd year of patented Felber plants-in-a-can technology.


Yes, I will keep posting adorable dog pics until you beg for mercy.


Last fall, I planted a copy of "Better Homes and Brunches" and this sprouted up.


"Come in! Let me bore you about how long it took to find, prime, paint and install this $20 screendoor!"


Deluxe custom homemade compost containment system with hand-painted trellis and currently pretty pathetic honeysuckle vine. But not Japanese honeysuckle. Because that plant is whack, y'all! It's all like, "I'm going to go crazy and F up your native plants!"

That's it for now. You'll hafta wait for the awesome wygelia photo.

Now, here's the 411 on coming to see me as the indoor urban night crawler you know and love...


WEDNESDAY, June 15th
Girls vs. Boys: Battle of the Indie Pop Bands
8pm - midnight @ Sin-e
150 Attorney Street @ Stanton
I'm hosting. Think Ryan Seacrest with boobs.
Here's the link that also plays fab music:

http://www.myspace.com/girlsVSboysNYC

Nice

My far away and not-seen-hardly-enough Brit pal Richard has written a post about the big, shocking news he read about here:

Beloved bar and legendary comedy venue Ye Olde Tripple Inn is closing forever at the end of June.

Check out his x-pond take on it below...

http://dogsmustbecarried.blog-city.com/last_orders_at_the_tripple.htm

Thanks dude, for the (unsolicited) memories.

Note: I'm throwing a big blow out free superstar comedy show at the Tripple: Tuesday, June 28th. One day before they close and the auctioneers start putting the vintage headshots on the chopping block.

The show is almost more for the comics than the audience. But it will be good. And sad. Yet good.

TONIGHT


Yes, Tonight!

FRIDAY, June 10th
Sweet Paprika 8:30pm @ Village Lantern
167 Bleecker Street
$5 plus one measley drink
http://www.sweetpaprika.com/

I'm hosting a great lineup that includes:

Brian Kiley
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Staff writer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Nominated for 7 Emmy Awards <-- wow! 99% sure he's won 'em too.

Joe DeVito
Writer and comedian whose work has appeared on MTV and in magazines like Stuff and Maxim. Most recently he was a creative consultant for the Oscar-nominated fast-food documentary "Super-Size Me." He is a regular at clubs all over the East Coast and is a favorite in the alternative lounges, bars and theatres in New York City.

Keith Price
Keith has performed at colleges and universities, Pride events, local NYC clubs including Stand Up NY, Gotham Comedy Club and Caroline's, spreading his message of "comedic love and fabulosity".

Anthony Devito
VH1’s “Awesomely Badder Girls,” “Awesomely Badder Fashion” and “Celebrity Showdown 2.” He can soon be seen on A&E’s “TVography: The Brady Bunch” and on the series pilot “Sunken Bling” on THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. Anthony is a contributing writer for JEST magazine and US WEEKLY’s popular FASHION POLICE.

Tom McCaffrey
Comedy Central's Shorties Watchin' Shorties & Pemium Blend.
And think he attended Manhattan's high school for the performing arts <-- wonder if it was like FAME? Ya know, legwarmers 'n cellos and shit... I hope so. Here's the link: http://www.sweetpaprika.com/

PLUS: Possible special surprise guest just in from LA -- Chris Deluca!!!!

Reviews

Last night I watched a few minutes of a few network programs for the first time. Here are my reviews.

LOST

"Wow, these people are hot. Really hot. Annoying reality-show hot. Oh, there's the hispanic fat guy. Even he has fabulous hair that isn't frizzy after a crash. Almost all the guys are hot. Shoot, I can't tell them apart. And it's a mystery drama? It'll take me weeks just to figure out which buff hot guy is which. Short hair, dirty blonde hair, toned jaw clenching types. They even have similar adorable little plane crash scrapes on their cheeks. Why are all the ugly people minorities? Where's the screaming baby? I've never taken a flight without one. No. Won't be watching this again. "

CSI: NEW YORK

"Wow, cool rock intro theme. Is that The Who? Nice. That's network money for ya. Oh look, it's Gary Sinese. He's a famous movie actor, right? And on TV now? Guess that's because he's not hot. Look! A hot female scientist! Oh, there's another hot female scientist with perfect makeup! And another hot female investigator, but this one has an accent. Wow, the labs look like hot clubs -- nice buttery lighting -- and hot music plays as they do stuff in gloves and lab coats. See how that magnifying glass shot just shows in full relief how perfect her makeup is? Oh, back to the mystery. Bored. Oh look! More test tubes and music and great lipstick! OK, I'm bored."

LAW AND ORDER

"BANG CLANG. I love how they go from scene to scene with that BANG CLANG. You get a tiny bit of information from a witness and then BANG CLANG. The story is really good. Possible evil plastic surgeon. Why are all the female lawyers so much younger than the male lawyers and cops? BANG CLANG. I don't care if I ever see this again. BANG CLANG. GULITY -- he didn't get off and neither did I --BANG CLANG."

Ye Olde Tripple Inn Closing Forever

The Tripple will close forever at the end of June.

I am throwing one last blow out comedy show:

Tuesday, June 28th.

Stay tuned for details.

Incredibly Familiar, Yet Ever So Slightly Different*

I've added one more show to my upcoming handpicked Felber LIVE listings.

See if you can spot the new info!

Hint (that's more than a hint): it's the June 22nd show at Juvie Hall.


Deja NEW!

Here's just a few of my upcoming shows that are going to be cool. So very cool. Mark my words.

FRIDAY, June 10th
Sweet Paprika
8:30pm @ Village Lantern
167 Bleecker Street
I'm hosting.
Here's the link:
http://www.sweetpaprika.com/


WEDNESDAY, June 15th
Girls vs. Boys: Battle of the Indie Pop Bands
8pm - midnight @ Sin-e
150 Attorney Street @ Stanton
I'm hosting. Think Ryan Seacrest with boobs.
Here's the link that also plays fab music:
http://www.myspace.com/girlsVSboysNYC

Wednesday, June 22nd
"Still Standing"
9:30pm @ Juvie Hall
24 Bond St.
Each month comics write new material based on a theme. In June, host AB Carney and her fellow stand-ups explore patriotism.
Here's a link with more info: http://www.manhattancomedycollective.com/news.html

TUESDAY, July 19th
The WYSIWYG Talent Show
Greetings from Lake WYSIWYG -- Summer Camp Stories
7:30pm @ PS 122
Performance Space 122
150 First Ave. at E. 9th St.
I will tell an amazing funny-'cause-it's-true story
Here's the linkypoos:
http://www.wysiwygtalentshow.org/

*The title of this blog post is for sale if hot young novelist Jonathan San Foer (Saffron Foyer? Sanyo Foiled? Safrin Toil?) is looking for a title for his next book.**

** I googled him. It's Jonathan Safran Foer. Now you (I) know. How nice for us.

A poem for a stormy night


Lightening.

Bits of rain falling on the air conditioner

crackles and pops half-heartedly

like popcorn left in the microwave too long.

But I'm still thinking about the dead pigeon I stepped on.

In the morning, stepping off the curb, going to the subway,

then feeling the distinct ribs of flat pigeon through my shoe before looking down and realizing what it was.

Two days in a row.

That's the kicker.

I stepped on it two days in a row.

Same pigeon.

I think.

So what I'm saying is,

storm schmorm.

Now scroll down to see some of my upcoming shows.

Yes, me plugging myself is part of this poem.

I think.

See the repitition?

That was poety-like, no?

Oh yes yes a thousand times yes!

Fancy a quickie?



Rainy day activity: Print this page, neatly cut out this sassy pic of me and put it in your locket.

Here's just a few of my upcoming shows that are going to be cool. So very cool. Mark my words.

FRIDAY, June 10th
Sweet Paprika
8:30pm @ Village Lantern
167 Bleecker Street
I'm hosting.
Here's the link:
http://www.sweetpaprika.com/


WEDNESDAY, June 15th
Girls vs. Boys: Battle of the Indie Pop Bands
8pm - midnight @ Sin-e
150 Attorney Street @ Stanton
I'm hosting. Think Ryan Seacrest with boobs.
Here's the link that also plays fab music:
http://www.myspace.com/girlsVSboysNYC

TUESDAY, July 19th
The WYSIWYG Talent Show
Greetings from Lake WYSIWYG -- Summer Camp Stories
7:30pm @ PS 122
Performance Space 122
150 First Ave. at E. 9th St.
I will tell an amazing funny-'cause-it's-true story
Here's the linkypoos:
http://www.wysiwygtalentshow.org/

Move along, nothing to see here.


Go here for Red Rover's take on Marketing Deep Throat.

Wow that Red Rover sure is smart and clever, no?

Yes yes yes!

Tobacco Industry Targets Women, Almost Offers Them Fondest Wish


Be the first on your block to wear this ironically!

Story from CNN:

Study: Cigarette makers targeted women

My, the word "targeted" seems so sinister!

Study: Internal documents reveal stuffed animal industry targets babies

Study: Leaked memo indicates icing industry aware of/targeting users who eat straight from the can

Study: Coffee shops nationwide target unemployed hipsters with laptops

But the CNN article contains one truly damning bit of information:

The firms also considered putting appetite suppressants into cigarettes so they could promote them as weight control products, they said.

Bad bad cigarette industry!

How could you come up with such a brilliant idea and not follow through on it?

I honestly don't know how you people sleep at night.


Photo cred: smokingsection.com

Werewolf Blog Ends, Unmasks
& Makes Other Bloggers Jealous


And *I'm* still cater-waitering?

I originally posted the werewolf blog link in November '04.

Linked to it again when my spelling error was called out.

And always kept it on my sidebar.

Today the werewolf announces:

1. The blog is over

2. He is a writer, comedian and real-life Williamsburg video clerk

3. He got a chunk of change when the blog was optioned and...

Well, it's not for me to tell his story, especially when he does it much better.

Go here for the final chapter and link to his full explanation:
http://whatishappeningtome.blogspot.com/

Way to go my wolfy friend.

Inside the Bloggers Studio: I met Mr. Werewolf years ago through my very good friend Eris Migliorini. She doesn't have a website. But here's a picture of her, acting n' shit.


Eris acting n' shit.

And here's a review of a short film I was in with Eris:

http://www.filmthreat.com/Reviews.asp?Id=3609

Boo Film Threat for getting my name wrong.

Susie Ferber? Heaven forefend!


PS Now, if I could only dump this hideous new "what can brown do for you" Victorian UPS blog template, life would be perfect.

ME, TONIGHT



I'm hosting day two of the Home Film Festival tonight. I think it's like Sundance without the skiing, tiresome stars or fear of Redford getting handsy with ya.

Wanna come? There's an after party, but don't know the free food free booze 411. If you do decide to come, just mention my name at the door.

Nyc Home Film Festival
Location: Spider Club
6th ave, at 20th St,Nyc,NY
When: Thursday, May 26, 7:00pm
Event Producer: Dawn C. 917-406-3005

The 6th Semi-Annual NYC Home Film Festival
www.HomeFilmFest.com
Presented by Greg Segal

We are Proud to Present a 2-Day Series of Short Films
Including "Acting Class", John Gallagher (Pilot)
Director & Producer, "Cupidity"; Director, "Blue Moon", "The Deli"

The winners from Day 1 and Day 2 will be announced before the after-party on Day 2.
--------------------------
Day 2 - Thursday, May 26

Spider Club (212) 807-7780
Address: 622 6th Ave, corner of 20th St., NYC

7pm Screening begins, showing 11 short Films
Followed by Closing Awards Ceremony & After-Party!

Non-competitive viewing of "The Package", & "Acting Class".
Film Nominees:
“How to Stand In Line for Star Wars”, “Salute”, “Six Floor of Pure Glass”, “Two Men”, “The Melding”, “The Last Laugh”, “Twitch”, “Winning Yesterday”, “Weights and Measures”, “The Day of the Grackle”, “A Twist of Comfort”


PS what it says on the Spider Club write up on the NYT web:

For the more sedate and chosen few, there is also the members-only Spider Club which, according to the blurb, is located "somewhere between the first smile ever recorded on a human face and your last laugh," but can be reached through a private entrance on 20th Street. This sharp space, featuring a cozy back-lit lounge and small dance floor, is a second home to models and high rollers, but manages to maintain the intimate feel of a fun and slightly rowdy lounge bar.

High rollers? Models? I should fit right in.

PPS I'm aware this NYC hot spot review might be from 50 BC

Fabulous new blog

Check out this fabulous new blog!

It's so hilarious, savvy and other good things.

And it's new!

Did I mention hilarious?

How about savvy?

OK then.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

PS Will blogger ever get the memo to include the word "blog" in their spell check? Or even, if only for self-serving marketing purposes, the word "blogger"? Just wondering.

War, UH, what is it good for?

It's good for this:

PUPPY WAR!!!

But my Stan is not doing very well.

Could it be my Stan is not very cute? That he is, in fact, ugly?

Or is it that all other internet users are, in fact, blind?

The latter. For sure. Yep.

UPDATE: Sometimes I hate the web, especially when it points out how unoriginal I am. After posting this, I checked Technorati for stats on linkage to Puppy War and found this post with an eerily familiar title.

Great minds think alike? Small minds think alike? Place your bets.

An Open Letter to Food & Wine Magazine

Dear Food & Wine Magazine,

Your recent article on kitchen garden goddess, Seen Lipart, disturbed me.

If she is a goddess, why would she need her "parterre shaped by laser"?

I would think that as a goddess, she could harness the power of Zeus. I mean, even a demigod should have the ability to trim hedges, no?

There were other things that seem to not jibe with her being a goddess:

She lives in Greenwich, Connecticut -- not on Mount Olympus!

Her vast powers seem to stem not from a divine birth, but from an advantageous 2nd marriage to a former president and CEO of a global commercial satellite company.

But then again, maybe she IS a goddess. Check this:

"Her vegetables were picked only an hour ago, a hundred yards from the table, but their journey began last winter, when Lippert combed through seed catalogs, tracking down heirloom varieties, like French Breakfast radishes, for her gardens."

Wow. She ordered seeds. From many different catalogs... Now I feel bad that I took her for a stinking filthy rich blonde second wife who had her 9 acre estate LANDSCAPED DESIGNED AND MAINTAINED WITH A FREAKIN' LASER.

But maybe I'm just not a fan of fawning profiles of goddesses. Maybe I'm crazy-ass jealous? Maybe I'm scared that when the revolution comes, they're going to take her type down first?

In any event, please cancel my subscription.

Oh, I don't have a subscription?

Then, I dunno... have a nice day!

Cheers,

Your Pal,

Susie!

PS I liked that the photo with your feature "Chefs Gone Wild" featured the hottest young chef's ass squarely in the middle of the photo.


Now Serving: Young Tender Chef Meat

But I felt bad for the other chef's who look miserable on their ATV's, because they weren't deemed hot enough to show off their rumps. Maybe next time you should have these chefs do an activity that involves some exercise? Or maybe tell the hot chef to tone it down a bit?


"Hey, Mr. thinks-he's-so-hot Chef -- if I wanted cheesecake, I woulda ordered it!"


"Save it for yer centerfold in Bon Appetit, sweet cheeks!"


Ka-ZING!

ME, TONIGHT



So sorry I haven't had the chance to explain that pic of Paris Hilton's rump. Been busy. Tonight I'm doing comedy and doing good, all at once. Great line-up. Tix are only $15, $12 if you buy them online. Come on down if you can.

11th Charity Comedy Jam on Behalf of Art Start!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
8:00 - 10:00 pm
The Zipper Theater
336 West 37th Street between 8th & 9th Avenues
****Doors Open at 7:30pm****

The event will feature New York’s hottest comedians including:

Judy Gold: Gregarious host of HBO’s “At the Multiplex with Judy Gold” and a regular on Comedy Central’s “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn” and “ Hollywood Squares.” Also hosted “100 Greatest Stand-ups of all time” on Comedy Central and often seen gabbing with the girls on “The View.”

Erin Foley: Featured comic on Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend” and appeared in the movie “Almost Famous.”

Rusty Ward: Seen on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend and currently getting ready for a second run of his highly lauded one-man show Brawl - a history of every fight he’s ever been in.

Leo Allen: Writer for "Saturday Night Live," and "Late Night with Conan O' Brien."

Susie Felber: Copy jockey for Court TV and contributor to US Weekly's Fashion Police. She has written and produced for ComedyCentral.com, Lifetime and ABC Development. Felber has also appeared on MTV2, Oxygen and multiples times on “Late Night with Conan O'Brien.”

Andres DuBouchet: Featured on “Late Night With Conan O'Brien" and "Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn."

***$3 Beer Specials Available All Evening***

Tickets are $12 in advance; $15 at the door, so buy yours NOW at http://www.acteva.com/go/oyfp

About Art Start
The purpose of Art Start is to value and nurture the voices of hearts and minds of under-served children and teenagers and help them transform their lives through the creative process. Art Start uses a multi-disciplined approach to arts education that is centered on the kids and their interests, and equips them with learning, creating and communicating skills. Art Start instills in our kids the confidence to pursue meaningful opportunities to share their ideas and dreams. Offered in a nurturing environment, Art Start’s programs challenge each child to develop his or her inner gifts and acquire tools to succeed in life. Go to www.art-start.org for more details.

About On Your Feet Project
On Your Feet Project (OYFP) is a national nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging people in community service and activism by educating them about diverse organizations and creating opportunities for direct community involvement. To learn more, go to www.oyfp.org.

I hate begonias

There. I said it.

Walking today on 39th street I saw a patch of begonias and thought, "I hate begonias."

To find a picture of a begonia I found the American begonia Society. Let's take a look at the aims and purposes of the American Begonia Society:

Aims and Purposes

To stimulate and promote interest in begonias and other shade-loving plants.

No. But I'll admit you almost got me with the enticing "other shade-loving plants" jazz.

To encourage the introduction and development of new types of these plants.

No. Although I'll admit I'm often impressed with the ability of begonias to look like they're fake, yet dying. Waxy leaves, pitiful little blooms -- I say to hell with 'em!

To standardize the nomenclature of begonias.

Go crazy, but I'll not have any part of it.

To gather and publish information in regard to kinds, propagation, and culture of begonias and companion plants.

Oh I get it, the first one is free, right? Well luckily begonias are too hideous to hook even the most far gone plant addict.

To issue a bulletin that will be mailed to all members of the society.

Whoa whoa whoa! Are you aware that'll set you back nearly 80 cents?!

To bring into friendly contact all who love and grow begonias.

Bad idea, ABS. Studies have shown that if people have friendly contact with other humans, they cease to love and grow begonias.

So in conclusion, screw begonias.



What the? What the hell is that?

Find out tomorrow...

Is that Paris Hilton's ass?

Not telling.

It is, I think that's Paris Hilton's ass!

Oh come on, don't give it away.

OK. I won't give away that that is most certainly Paris Hilton and her ass in House of Wax.

Thanks.

No problem. Just explain this tomorrow, K?

No doubt my imaginary muchacho!

You have imaginary friends... are you sure you don't like begonias?

What are you implying???

I was just... nevermind.

I mean, it is nice that they grow in the shade and... oh no! Am I a closeted begonia lover?

What? Sorry, wasn't listening. I'm distracted by Paris Hilton's bum.

OK then, find out tomorrow... when Stray Pride will have less ABS, and more PHB!

PHB?

Paris Hilton's Bum.

Oh, right. Fabu.

Extreme Makeover: Dog Edition

BEFORE

"Hi, I'm Stan. My turn ons are rolling in bear crap, rolling in deer crap, and rolling in bear crap. My turn offs are people who don't like me to roll in bear crap."


AFTER

"It's Stanley, dahling. And thank you, I love my new look. I feel like Mini-Me to a pit bull. But I'll tell you the cut is merciless dahling...it shows off every extra Snausage! Time to get back on the Science Diet, but my owner gives me liverwurst, sweetie, and try as I may (but I don't) I can not resist. Yes, my owner... she has a charming quality of insouciance, no? And by insouciance, I mean she should really dress a little bit less like Punky Brewster on a bender. I'm sorry dahling, but in this world we are judged by what is on the other side of the leash! If my owner is going to flounce around in Salvation Armani, Hilary Swank's dog will talk and we all know she can be a bee-yotch. And furthermore, woof. Woof to infinity dahling, and there's nothing higher than infinity. Not even infinity plus woof."

New Yorker Caption Contest Part Deux

Another week, another caption of mine that didn't make it to the semi finals...



"I really think this company is going places. Specifically, Brooklyn."

That was mine.

Go here and see the ones that made it.

Oh poo.

This is very bad for my ego. I've gone from having a super enormous giant teflon mega ego, to merely having a very large yet shapely ego.

ttfn,

Hawk it to me!

************TONIGHT!!!************

Felber's picture hint of the day: If you really want to look like
a hunchback, simply outstretch your arm and take a pic of yourself while
atop a tower.

I'm hosting this lovely little show in midtown:

No Relation Comedy
Tonight!
Friday, MAY 6 @ 8PM
Jack Demsey's
36 W. 33rd Street (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
MC Susie Felber plus Dave Konig, Jamie Roberts, Garry Leavy, Jane Campbell, Blaine, Christian Finnegan <-- from VH1’s BWE, Comedy Central Presents:Christian Finnegan & Chapelle’s Show!

Then, I am off to a party filled with celebrities.

Then tomorrow morn I am going upstate to buy shrubbery such as viburnum and then plant stuff and get covered in mud and go snooping for antiques with my mom and cook rustic cassoulet's and... hey, where are you going?

Next time I'll just stick to the part about the celebrities, eh?

Susie de Mayo

************TONIGHT!!!************

Can you believe I made this whimsical photo montage all by myself?

Come see me perform live tonight at a great downtown spot:
No Hitting Comedy Show - Cinco de Mayo!
8PM
Mickey's Blue Room
171 Ave C (bet. 10th & 11th)
Take the F to second ave
or the L to 1st
Only a measley 3 bucks!

Con los talentos de Pat Candaras, Bobby Tisdale, Susie Felber, Jack Kukoda, Nick Stevens, Y sus favoritos manejando todo esa mierda, Becky Donohue y Jeff Mac.

TOMORROW NIGHT
I'll be MC'ing at this lovely little show in midtown:

No Relation Comedy
Friday, MAY 6 @ 8PM
Jack Demsey's
36 W. 33rd Street (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
MC Susie Felber plus Dave Konig, Jamie Roberts, Garry Leavy, Jane Campbell, Blaine, Christian Finnegan <-- from VH1’s BWE, Comedy Central Presents:Christian Finnegan & Chapelle’s Show!

My Stan.

No Photoshop. No retouching. 100% pure Muttastic.




"Bad dog! Put down my femur!"

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

I entered this two weeks running thanks to a heads up from a friend and fellow comedian.

This was the first week's cartoon.



I had two captions.

The one I sent in:

"I love science Jenkins, and love makes you do stupid, crazy things"

The one I almost sent in, but did not:

"I was tired of living a lie."

Today, they have the semi-finalists up from the first contest and you can vote for your favorite.

As you can see, I was not among the chosen people.

With all due respect, I think both of mine were 100% funnier.* Feel free to start a letter writing campaign on my behalf.

Or simply check back every week as this professional writer and comedian shares her losing entries with you. What better way is there to wile away the time than seeing her enormous ego being battered? I think the best part will be the progress of my downward spiral as I become disturbingly more bitter as a parade of lame captions are selected. Fun!

*To be honest, I think mine were funnier to infinity. And as we all know, there's nothing higher than infinity, not even infinity plus one.**

**I am aware that mathematicians might get all up in my jock about my take on this infinity business. Yet another reason I'm glad I don't have a comments section.***

***And anyway, I think marine biologists and physicists are way hotter than mathematicians. That's why you'll never see me getting all cocky about the burn point of whale blubber or waxing sarky about the whipping up of particles. Um... particle whipping. sexy.****

****To me, people, to me!*****

*****Drat it all! All the fantasizing in the world about hot physicists -- and I will need to fantasize because I could not find any pics of hot scientists -- will not dull the pain of losing the New Yorker caption contest. Oh the humanity!******

******Who's more bored with this post, you or me?*******

*******No idea. It's a lose/lose situation really.********

********I would buy an iPod today if iTunes had a recording of Irene Cara singing "Here's to the Losers" at The 58th Annual Academy Awards (1986). Just saying.

Upcoming Gigs of Note


I perform well under pressure. Come bask in my glory.

I am a very talented comedian. I am also very talented at not letting people know where I will be performing. Here then, is a list of a few upcoming shows I will be doing that usually have great comedians, great causes or both. At some I will MC, at others I will merely be brilliantly funny. Hope to see you -- yes you -- there.

5/5 No Hitting Comedy Show
5/6 No Relation Comedy
5/19 Charity Comedy Jam
6/10 Sweet Paprika: Hot & Live Comedy

True Romance




PS The bit of odd smudge on my boob stage left, is actually a fake tattoo that was distributed to promote my pal Wendy's fabulous book.

Giant Tuesday Plugs!

Check out a piece I dashed off in the name of love for Cupcakes Take the Cake!

Then, come see me do a small part tonight at:

GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO THERE IS A GAME!!!
Tonight at 8pm
Rififi
332 East 11th between 1 and 2
FREE

Tonight's GTN is jam-packed with great comics and special guest stars!

Francisco Guglioni a.k.a. Andres du Bouchet who was also interviewed in a fabulous Gothamist feature today welcomes:

Dan Allen
Ann Carr
Matt Goldich
Paul Sullivan

PLUS special guest stars:

Dan Cronin
Susie Felber
Jesse Joyce
Bryan Olsen

ALSO PLUS regulars Mark Douglas, Jonny Fido, Rob Gorden, and Michael
Reisman!

The World's Greatest Air Band!
The Tool Belt Comedy Tour!
The Men From Hefner Ten!
Walken Talk!

DAMN THIS SHOW IS PACKED!

Then, check out stuff I did for Belabumbum, the world's finest lingerie:

Amazingly, and for no reason, I've never plugged this handy gift guide I wrote on my blog, so expect a full-on post about it coming soon.

Then:

Just do whatever it is you normally do when not thinking about me.

Cheers dears!

me

Tomorrow: Felber, LIVE

Late-breaking news!

Tomorrow you can see me play a small part in the absolutely amazing comedy revue:

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions & Also There is a Game
Tomorrow, Tuesday @ 8PM
RIFIFI/CINEMA CLASSICS
332 EAST 11th STREET
(between 1st & 2nd Aves.)
FREE!

& also there is a bar right outside the theater
& also you can bring your drinks into the theater.

WOW!

Stray Pride, explained

Ever wondered about the stupid title of this blog? I have. I have often wondered why it's so stupid. Extreme laze is the only thing that has kept me from changing it. But the title comes from a brilliant idiotic idea I had to take pictures of my mutt against a rainbow background and then market a line of Stray Pride products to encourage mutt adoption and to be sold in my West Village hood. Maybe not the best idea, but maybe not the worst.

The only thing that has prevented me from making and marketing these products is -- you guessed it -- extreme laze.

Here are two of the test photos we took last year. "We" being my best buddy Shana, who did the 'tographing. All I did was the concept, props and hair & makeup.* Enjoy and remember that you can say you knew me when, once my line of cunning Stray Pride Day products rocket me to fame and fortune.





*No, I didn't put makeup on my dog. That was a joke. I don't want to appear on an upcoming episode of Animal Cops for going all Mary Kay on my dog.

Are you there Watson? It's me, Margaret.

Testing 1, 2, 3, testing.

Attempting my 1st-ever photo on this blog.

Implement picture I took on Sunday of my beloved Stan basking in 5, 4, 3, 2...



Oh niiiiice!

A small step for man, one giant leap for dork-kind.

Who are you. Who who, who who?

FYI, I was out sick from work yesterday. And yesterday, I was tempted to write about the more fascinating details of my illness here. But then something quickly dawned on me, and no, it wasn't that my illness would be no treat for anyone to read about. I realized I've never written about my day job here. Not once.

Suddenly this fact began to loom larger than my piddly sickness. As far as my blog readers know, I make my money via magic beans and the occasional comedy road gig.

So I asked myself... why haven't I mentioned my work here? And before I answered that I realized for the first time that someone or more than someone from work has probably happened upon my blog through the magic of Google. I realized that upon happening upon my blog, someone from work would think, "Ah ha! I have found her super secret blog! Now I shall learn what she really thinks of us!" They might also think, "Stray Pride? Ah ha! She is gay, maybe? Oh wonderful, now I shall not only learn about what she thinks of us, I will get juicy lesbian dirt and forward it to everyone in the office!"

And then I felt bad for that hypothetical co-worker person, for they would most definitely leave this blog sorely disappointed.

So what do you do, Susie?

Right. OK, here's the deal... after freelancing for years and proudly scraping my bucks together as a writer and performer, for the past year I have been on staff at a basic cable network. A whole year! What do I do? I write stuff. I edit stuff. And sometimes, I do some other stuff.

That's all I'm prepared to say about my job and there are many reasons why. A very good reason is that even if I am telling you about good and wonderful things at the cable network that shall remain nameless, it doesn't feel right to talk about it. No one in my office thinks what they are doing is out there for public scrutiny, and so reporting on it seems wrong even if I'm just telling you that everyone at this network writes their name on their food in the office fridge, except me. My "Just 2 Good" blue cheese salad dressing has not been Sharpie'd with my mark and this, my devil may care office fridge attitude, gives me a thrill, makes me feel like I live on the edge.*

Plus, I simply don't want to be dooced. I think it's a credit to my incredibly large brain that I sensed it was quite possible that writing about work could get me dooced long before I had ever heard of the word dooced.

So, I hope you have enjoyed getting a (incredibly vague) description of what I do. I hope you are not disappointed that I won't be telling you anymore about it. I also hope that you are not disappointed to find there are no descriptions of hot lesbian sex here, my bizarre blog title notwithstanding. In any case, if you would like descriptions of hot sex, may I recommend you leave that in the capable hands of a professional? OK I will recommend that.

ttyl lovely blog readers,

Susie

* There, you've gotten one extremely juicy detail about my workplace... happy now?**

** I should note that everyone writes their names on their food even though no food has been poached, and futhermore, no one here seems to be the type to poach another person's food. But they write their names on stuff anyway as insurance against food being snarfed by a greedy co-worker who currently doesn't exist, but it seems like paltry insurance. If you are terrified of someone eating your food, why not do something to really ward them off like draw a skull and crossbones or tape a recent picture of David Gest to it? Just a thought.

"It's a million-to-one chance, but it just might work!"

Didja know my mom's a romance writer? For real. Her latest book, Alas My Love, came out April first. You can see it/buy it here or here or just saunter into any ol' bookstore. Actually, I just remembered that on this book, I got to help rewrite the copy on the back cover, reprinted here. But, don't judge a book by its back cover (even though that back cover copy really sings, no?)

If you want some background on my mom and her books, check out these FAQ I wrote eons ago, right here. Amazingly the FAQ have held up because amazingly, a) she's still my mom, and b) she's still a romance writer, and c) I'm that good y'all y'all. <--- yes, I wrote "y'all" twice for effect. Of course, the effect might be that I look like an uncool twerp. Same old, same old, right? Anywho...

I have a super secret confession.

Are you ready?

OK.

I entered mom to win Live with Regis and Kelly's 15th annual Mom's Dream Come True Contest.

I did a quick search and found two previous winners of what I like to call LWR&K'SMDCTC. One mom was surprised with the old contest game show standby wowie zowie prize: A NEW CAR! Another got to meet her idol, Dolly Parton.

Now, I'm all for cars and I'm all for Dolly, but my mom's dream is actually and truly related to their show.

You see, many times, my award-winning romance authoring momma has sighed and said, "If only Kelly would feature my book... maybe as a summer beach read..." Then she punctuates this sentence with another, slightly larger, sigh.

So when I found this contest, I wrote Regis and Kelly a heart-wrenching letter, sent in the required photo of us together and I have my fingers crossed.

But I'm not stupid. I know that chances are this will not happen. A million viewers are sending in their mom's dreams. I'll bet it's a scene like Miracle on 34th Street in their production offices right now. As they spill the bags of mail on Regis and Kelly's desk, they find they can't read the heart-wrenching requests fast enough: "My mom needs new teeth!", "My mom only dreams of having sushi with Peter Frampton!", and "Help my mom get her tattoo of having sushi with Peter Frampton removed!"

Now my mom's dream would cost them nothing and yet it would mean the world to her. And mainly, and hopefully, it would mean way more people would read what she writes day in and day out and then the day after that again. And that is what she truly wants.

So in conclusion...

I gave the letter my all. I submitted a rather cute picture of us. The dream is incredibly do-able, my aim is true and the cause (her books) is worthy.

But my mom actually winning this contest?

It's a one-in-a-million shot.

But as Terry Pratchett has pointed out many times, one-in-a-million chances work exactly 90% of the time...

Utah

I'm just back from skiing in Utah.

(insert snort of derision here)

I learned a few things about Utah.

I share them with you here.

1. Never order anything described as "Thai" at a ski lodge.

I guess that seems obvious now but remember that the altitude can do funny things to a gal. Especially when the gal has downhilled it all day and downed her weight in sake all night. Then a spicy Thai wrap suddenly looks really appealing. But then you wake up in the morning next to a plate of iceberg lettuce, carrots and cardboard. The worst part: you paid 10 bucks for it.

2. You maybe tempted to buy a "Snowboarding is not a Crime" T-shirt.

I was tempted to buy a "Snowboarding is not a Crime" T-shirt for my mom. I thought that would be hee-larious. But unfortunately, the shirt didn't come with a Salvation Army donation form, so I passed.

3. Skiing through snowy cliffy sunny Utah scenery is so impossibly beautiful that afterwards real life will seem like a eternal let down.

'Nuff said.

Nerdtastic

Busy today so this post will be light on my trademark outrageous barbs of hilarity.

But you will get a sneak peek into my ultra glam life.

I have a new favorite site. This is the place I go when not cramming into a bathroom stall at B8 with Lindsay Lohan, Alan Rickman and Buddy Hackett's lifeless corpse.

Hummingbirds.net

It's an incredibly dense site full of all the information a bird nerd like me could want and then some. The Spring 2005 Ruby-throated Hummingbird migration map is what really turns me on -- yes, the talk of Hummers coming is HOT and no, they aren't talking about a car or a sexual act.

The site sells nothing, reaps no benefits from recommending products and seems to be the product of one person's obsession.

So I thank you, Lanny Chambers. Sites like yours make the web a many splendid thing.

Too much sincerity? Too little snark?

Too bad.

If you want to roll with Felber, you best be reportin' your first hummer.

Word to your Archilochus colubris and sporadic Rufous sightings.

Peace and I'm outta here.

An Open Letter to Showtime and Tara Reid

Dear Showtime,

I see you've been creating a lot of buzz lately! Awesome!

You know, I sometimes think of actually subscribing to your channel.

But then I think, “nahhh.”

What I’m saying is, you either need to make better programs or blow up HBO.

Good luck!

Susie

PS I love Penn & Teller so I bought their DVD. Score one point for you.



Dear Tara Reid,

I know what you look like, I’ve heard of your outrageous party behavior and I’ve seen your infamous “nipple slip” photo. The crazy thing is, I have no idea what you do. As you are a blonde with big gazongas, I’m guessing you are an actress? If so, is there anything I may have seen you in?

Actually, I have no advice for you girlie. You are obviously doing something right.

Keep up the good work!

Your pal,
Susie

A Personal Note to Rich Eccentrics who read this Blog

Dear Rich Eccentric,

Hi! Thanks for stopping by! As you are rich and eccentric, you probably find that it can be difficult to sift through all the things you can drop gobs of cash on in today’s world. So many kooky items, so little time, right? And need I even mention all the wacky/misguided causes campaigning to receive your largesse? I think not!

I’ve never asked for a donation for my blog (Are there no poorhouses?), nor do I have an “Amazon wish list” posted (Are there no libraries?).

No, I find all that very tacky, and I personally don’t think these people aim high enough.

Now you, rich eccentric, know about aiming high.

Because you, rich eccentric, are a go getter who worked your butt off and made a fortune on some crazy scheme, or you were born into money and think the lower classes just aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, you are all about self-reliance and outrageous success!

So, I figure you could relate to my aiming high. I am running a contest for Rich Eccentrics. The winner gets to buy me two tickets to the June 29th Jacques Pepin Dinner Package sponsored by and benefiting WLIW public television.

For a piddling $575 you can support a good cause and I, a very nice person if I do say so myself, can have two tickets to drink wine, eat a five-course meal and meet a cooking genius.

Pepin is a genius? Tell me more!

OK.

Yes, I know that it’s often difficult to cut through the accent and know what Jacques is saying. Why the other day I was shouting at the TV, “What did he just grind up and put on the salmon? It sounded like ‘mrfulefffle’ but it looks like…acorns…maybe?”

And sure, when Pepin pops food into his mouth on camera, it’s the opposite of Nigella Lawson-sexy. And yes, he doesn't mean to hurt but he can say little things that make you feel like an American pig like, "Actually we never make dessert at home, but if I have guests, I might make..." And of course, I know his constantly dirty hands can skeeve you out.

But:

Have you ever seen him show you how to turn all your old moldy cheese into a symphony of flavor? Or watched as he made a cassoulet 1, 2, 3? Or have you seen Pepin segment an orange in two seconds flat? It’s like poetry – except without the annoying feeling that you’re probably missing something.

That's the thing about Jacques . Like fine food and wine, it takes maturity and a love of food to appreciate him. If you would just as easily fling your food in the air than eat it, need a live band or a catch phrase to jazz up your cooking technique or if you are childish enough to "Oooh" and "Ahhh" like guilty little children when someone adds a fattening ingredient, you probably prefer a twinkie-weight TV chef.

Now that I've made my case, I know what you’re thinking… "What will I as a Rich Eccentric get out of this deal other than encouraging your liberal, boring-ass television? I mean, I don't even get to come with you? Sorry, but that sounds worse than a raw food diet."

Oh, you’re not thinking that? You really have way too much money and too little time to spend it? Excellent. Email me and I’ll tell you where to mail the tickets.

Official rules: Offer is limited to one (1) Rich Eccentric. In the event of multiple Rich Eccentrics chomping at the bit to send Susie to the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package, Susie will choose an Alternate Lovely Thing to receive. Every effort will be made to make Alternate Lovely Thing of equal or greater value than the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package. Possible gifts include but are not limited to: iPods, iPod docking stations, fancy digital camera, a new bicycle, or an absurdly indulgent spa treatment. Chances of winning depend upon the number of Rich Eccentrics participating. Good luck!

An Open Letter to People in NYC who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops


Dear People who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops,


You add a lot of atmosphere! It’s amazing how, in your great numbers, you have made all the nice cafes in the city seem exactly like serving detention in my Jr. High School study hall -- and yet you are too old to be students! I am impressed by how you sit there for ages, taking up a whole table after only buying one coffee and maybe a biscotti.

Personally I would be embarrassed, but you have cahones!

I also think it’s cool how you all seem really into and passionate about your work. Like when I go to a café with a friend, and we start laughing about something, you always look over to scowl at us for disturbing your work. That never fails to make us feel bad -- and make you look like a tortured genius!

But I also like it when y'all form a ring around me at the cafe looking miserable, yet chic, as you use both your laptops and your iPods at once. Nothing says, "I will go to any length to have humanity leave me the fuck alone, so piss off and die" better. Sometimes I imagine the iPod ear buds are actually earmuffs just to have a little taste of what it'd be like being married to Jonathan Franzen!

Anyway, I know that if you ever decided to stop working on your laptop and actually talk to me, you’d tell me all about your screenplay. Then you’d find out that in the world of small-time artists, I’m actually way more successful and connected than you. Then, while you were trying to pump me for information, I’d be nice but make you feel really small for being a desperate, unpublished, unproduced, socially retarded aspiring artist. I’m actually a nice person, but I think this proves the theory that those who are abused (by people with laptops in cafes) become abusers themselves…

Actually, did you know I really like artists? Some of my best friends are artists. Specifically, all of them. And I like places that artists frequent. But as writing, designing, philosphizin' and all that are usually very solitary pursuits, I would think that cafe culture would be a great place for like-minded people to exchange ideas, sing bawdy songs and get jacked up on coffee and/or get shitfaced. Is it that you are not solitary people? Are you performing artists? If so, why do you have laptops? To my mind an actor needs a laptop as much as a fish needs a 401k. But I digress...

I am so perplexed by your taking up every seat in the cafes all day long and leaving no room for others, that I wondered... could it be that you are all homeless? It seemed absurd, especially because you all dress so much better than I do. But then I thought, perhaps you poor things have spent all your rent money on clothes. If so, please forgive me!

Or is it simply that you hate our consumer culture and so you get your kicks by ensuring that each capitalist business will be forced to fold due to your sit-in protests that are silent save for the tapping of your fingers on the computer keys? If this is the case, fine. But would you change your mind if you knew that these cafes are independently owned and operated?

For example, when you go to Jack's, that tall, dark and handsome guy behind the counter? He is named Jack and no, it's not a coincidence. Jack is a former actor who has invested his life savings in a place that seats about 20 people on a good day. He provides you with fresh baked organic excellentness that's either locally bought or from fair trade. He also hangs your art and puts on a variety of entertainment at night, to give artists a venue.

So, if you want to stick it to The Man, why not take your agression out on a chain? Why not join your cheap-ass brothers and sisters who are currently doing the good work by sitting for hours on end and buying nothing at Barnes & Noble?

In any case, I do want to thank you as well, for never going to the beautiful library we have in the nabe. At Jefferson Market I love how, when I want to do work somewhere other than my apartment (BTW did you know them laptops work at home as well? For real!), the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows, there are large tables and there are comfy chairs. And there's usually absolutely no one in the joint other than one or two retired dudes and a librarian.

I'll admit I was worried that this urban oasis would become overrun because it would seem like a natural for you people since it's free, completely peaceful and you don't have to buy that one measly cup of coffee to set up for as long as you want. But no, for the past six years, the library has not occured to you as an option.

Anyway, I was thinking... maybe if you didn’t take your laptop with you every time you went out, you might just meet someone and then you'd have a friend you could laugh with over cup after cup of coffee? Just a crazy thought…

See you at Doma, Jack's, Joe's, etc.!

Susie

Felber’s College Guide

Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.

Harvard University

Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.

Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.

Who gets admitted?
Asians

Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.

University of Virginia

Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.

Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.

Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take

Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!

SUNY Albany

Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.

Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.

Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.

Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.

Bennington College

Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.

Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.

Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.

Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.

Smith College

Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.

Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.

Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+

Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.

Earlham College

Pros:
You won’t intimidate people

Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”

Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream

Did you know?
It really exists.

Punch up your night

I'm doing a show tonight in what Time Out NY called, "a decidedly upscale comedy venue."

Before the word upscale scares your cheap ass off, you should know that the show is absotootly free.

Yup, it's free as the grass grows, wind blows, free.

The comics should be dee-lightful, the venue's vibe is 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Austin Powers' rumpus room and the joint serves up awesome grub such as tempura string beans with a garlicky dipping sauce.

But with this crap weather, courtesy of Ming the Merciless, and the fact that many of my talented comedy buddies are also doing fab comedy shows tonight, I’m afraid the audience’ll be thinner than Nicholas Cage’s hairline…

Ba. (dumb). bum.

Anywho, come see tonight's show at Punch Lounge if you can.

No, wait, let's make this X-treme... come if you dare.

"Jab"
Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st
TONIGHT, Tuesday
Hosted by Katie McCabe
No Cover
Comedy Starts @ 7:30
This week: Michelle Buteau (VH-1)
Kelli Dunham (Gayety)
Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Insomniac)
Susie Felber (MTV2)
After the show, DJ David Handsome spins eclectic pop and new wave.

Drink and appetizer specials run all night

Hope to see you there.

Game ON!

Nope, not the NHL -- ME!

I'm doing comedy tonight:

Sweet Paprika
Village Lantern
8:30PM
(click the above for all the 411)


Come on down, and you can see me be funny plus say you saw me before I checked myself into the hospital suffering from exhaustion. Yes exhaustion.

Not "exhaustion". "Exhaustion" is what Hollywood starlets suffer from. Not sure what it is, but it seems to keep them slim...

No, without the quotation marks, it just means I'm just freakin' tired.

Later luvs,

Me

SEE ME HEAR ME TOUCH ME FEEL ME


Please click here for a very special message from Susie

And then click here for part deux -- an even more extra special message from Susie.

Fancy a funny benefit?

I'm going to be part of a benefit show tomorrow night. 100% of the proceeds from this show will go to the Red Cross for tsunami disaster relief. Although it’s out of the headlines, the recovery continues and the scope of the disaster is almost unimaginable.

It's a stellar lineup, so come on down and enjoy yourself while feeling oh-so good about your funky good-deed doing self.

Wednesday, February 9th
The Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St. (1 blk below Ave A. & Houston)
8:30 pm
$15 cover w/ reservation (all of it goes to the Red Cross) 2 drink min.
212.614.2500 for reservations and info
http://laughloungenyc.com

Lineup includes:
Dan Cronin Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Premium Blend
Andres du Bouchet voted one of the funniest comedians of 2004 by Time
Out New York, Nightlife Award Winner 2005
Ritch Duncan Writer Tough Crowd, founding editor of Jest magazine
Susie Felber US Weekly’s Fashion Police, Late Night with Conan O’Brien and of course fab copywriting at Court TV: The Investigation Channel...
Elon James White Improv, Stand Up New York
Rob Paravonian Premium Blend, VH1 & radio across the country
Plus a few special guests.

Brought to you by the lovely people at the Brooklyn Comedy Company

Star Mangled Banner

So while watching the National Prayer service live just now, there was a tad of excitement, at least for me.

Everyone was singing the Star Spangled Banner, and it was sounding
grand and inspiring, what with their back up chorus of eunuchs or whatever. The focus was on the President and Vice, of course, and sure it was a bit distracting that Cheney's wife looks exactly like Barbara Walters (if Barbara had just risen from the crypt), but ya know, the 2nd lady looks pretty good for the undead...

Anyway they got to the rousing, "and the home of the Brave!" and then Bush, his peeps and the entire cathedral relaxed, got ready to say "Play ball", pack
it in and all that.

When suddenly, the 2nd verse started rolling over them like a great wave. The collective look of "FUCK" darted around the cathedral faster than Ricochet Rabbit when they realized they were not done. And to add insult to ignorance, no one other than the off-camera eunuchs, had any idea what the next verse was.

The next few seconds CNN panned around as people scrambled for their lyrics sheets and mumbled like guilty children who hadn't done their homework, "On the shore dimly seen?, thro' the mists of the deep?, Where the foe's hau-ghty??? host in dread? sil-ence reposes..."

CNN kept this up for only a few more seconds and then cut away because it was so dismal sounding, looking and anti-climatic.

Plus the people in the control room probably feared Cheney was going to declare war when they got to the 4th verse.

F. Scott Key indeed.*



*This post was originally an honest email to some friends... oh round about five minutes ago. I did not intend to post this here. I don't write emails and then turn them into blog posts. But now, I do. Or I did, just now. But I won't, after this. Anywho, if any of them see this I could, nay I will, be made fun of. Ye Haw!

Insert clever title here

After a month long blog sabbatical, I'm back chickadees.

There's too much to tell. But here's a shortlist of the most exciting developments in my life.

Snowshoes!
Pros: Walk over snow! Light as a feather! Great Exercise!
Cons: Baffling Bindings! Fingers got stuck to iced aluminum! I resemble a redheaded Yeti!

Living life to the fullest!
Pros: Joy! Productivity! Fuzzy thoughts!
Cons: Eating too much! Working too much! Pushing away thoughts of death gets darn tiring!

Lingerie!
Pros: An old friend created this groovy company called belabumbum and it's taking off! Soon, I will be writing fun stuff for them! FREE lingerie for me!
Cons: Free lingerie? How could there possibly be anything bad about that? That's right, there's nothing bad about that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go snowshoe until my bumbum is bela.

Me, LIVE

I saw that someone came to my site searching for Susan Felber. This surprised me. Oh sure, people often come to my site looking for lusty hot & shaved take-out containers and pictures of box turtles in vintage panties doing the nasty with gummy bears. That kind of same old, same old stuff doesn't phase me.

But "Susan Felber" -- now that shocks me.

Although it is my real name, printed plainly on my birth certificate (You'll hafta take my word for it because I haven't seen the birth cert thingy in over a decade...)it was only lightly used when I wanted to be taken seriously as an intellectual (ages 7-10). For "Susan" is a very serious name, capable of very serious stuff.

"Susan" is someone who would do your taxes, singlehandedly plan a successful bake sale aiding legless Landseer's or drown your extra children in a lake.

In fact, if you Google "Susan Felber" right now, the first thing that comes up is a Dr. Susan Felber. This completely confirms my suspicions and fans my guilt: there is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't turned to "Susie" I would now be an M.D.

Then again, the upside is that you don't need insurance to see me.

So without further a-dew...

Tomorrow night I'm doing my 2nd appearance at a little show in a cool lounge.

Tomorrow, Tuesday Nov. 30th
Jab @ Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st, above Punch Restaurant.
Doors Open at 6.
No Cover
Comedy at 7:30.
This week's lineup: Mark Sam Rosenthal, Susie Felber, Sherry Davey, Kelli Dunham, and Rachel Feinstein. Hosted by Katie McCabe At 9, DJ David Handsome spins New Wave/Eclectic Pop/Electro Drink and Appetizer specials run all night. Includes $5 Apple Martinis and $7 Sesame Fried Calimari

This joint features buttery lighting, decor like 2001: A Space Odyssey's rumpus room and tempura stringbeans with garlicky dipping stuff that will make your nipples explode with delight.

Normal Like Me

[Note: I wrote this NY Times Lives parody about a year ago. I showed it to two people. I figured one day I'd truly clean it up and maybe submit it. I never did. I am very lazy. But after trudging to work this morning and finding Gawker pointing me to this lovely Media Bistro article by James Rarus who also shares my obsession with the Lives column, I decided to take my dusty, messy "Lives" column piece out of my computer and post it here, on my blog that nobody reads. All of the Lives articles cited in the following piece are 100% real.]

Normal Like Me

You would think having a life without tragedy,
discrimination or addiction would be a good thing, but
it almost destroyed my brother.

By Susie Felber

My brother and I grew up in Indiana playing stick ball
in sun-dappled wheat fields. Our family wasn't rich,
but we never wanted for anything. Our father kept
food on the table; our mother lovingly prepared it. I
picture her rosy-cheeked and smiling as she canned
peaches. At night our father would read to us in
front of a roaring fire.

At school my brother and I were popular enough. We
were both solid B students. Thanks to our country
upbringing, our health has always been pretty good.
In 1985 I had a plantar wart; in 1993 my brother had a
cavity filled. We finished college, moved to
Philadelphia and secured good jobs. Our lives passed
without incident. But for my brother, his happy
existence became a rather big problem.

In 1997, my brother first read the Lives column in
The Sunday New York Times magazine.

Lives is famous for its first-person stories -
heart-rending and inspiring tales of addiction, of
racism, of orphans, of war-torn peoples and a thousand
other handicaps and diseases. And it was this one page
that sowed in my brother the seed of what was to
become a dangerous obsession: he longed to be the
subject of the Lives column.

He tried desperately to find the angle that would help
him realize his dream. Each Sunday he would call me
breathless with the details of the latest column.
"Susie! Did you read "Silent Bond" in today's
magazine? It's about the deep though unspoken bond
the author will always have with his younger sister
whose transplanted stem cells cured him of PNH, a rare
disease! It's so inspiring!! Hey, if I can somehow
develop PNH, will you promise to donate some stem
cells and have a bond with me? Call me! Please!"

Sometimes he'd email me. "Sue, did you see the column
"Black Like Her?" It's about how the author learns to
be black and successful and yet worries if she'll ever
figure out how to be successful and black. It's even
better than the one they did called "Black Unlike Me",
about a white woman who adopts a black kid. It's not
as good as "Getting Under My Skin", about the kid who
had a black father and white mother. Nor is it as
touching as "Primary Colors", about the black woman
with a white husband who has mixed feelings about
their child. Point is, are you absolutely sure no one
in our family is black? Dad certainly seems to tan easily
without burning. Call me!"

In January 1999 my brother went from just thinking and
dreaming to acting his fantasy out. He had read a
column titled "Electroboy" about someone having
electroconvulsive therapy to treat his manic
depression. The call came just as it did every
Sunday.

"Hey Sue! Great news! I'm having electroshock therapy
tomorrow! I can't find a doctor who will diagnose me
with depression. But I'm going to plug in my toaster
and stick a fork in it. One favor, Sue? since I might
have severe burns on my hands, can you write the
column for me in the 'as told to' style?"

Saturday, September 15th, 2001 was possibly the worst
day of my brother's life. Only four days after the
horror of 9/11 - a city in mourning.

"Sue! Help me, I feel so helpless and sad!" he sobbed
into my answering machine.

It seemed 9/11 had gotten to him. I felt a brief
moment of joy. For if my brother had been snapped out
of his obsessive pursuit, maybe something good could
be found in that tragedy.

I picked up the phone. "Bro, I'm here for you. Talk
to me."

"Oh Sue! I don't see the point of going on!"

"It's OK," I said. "Everyone will heal eventually."

"No you don't understand," he said. "This week's
column had a story of a single migrant fruit picker
dad who adopts a Navajo boy with AIDS. "Awee" dies
sleeping on his chest. How can I top that? Even if I
could get, say, someone to give me an HIV positive
Eskimo kid, how can I top being a migrant fruit
picker?"

I was sure he was putting me on. An article by a
migrant fruit picker who adopts an HIV positive Native
American? I told him he had to be kidding. In any
case, as it was a Saturday, how could he have gotten
the magazine?

He told me had quit his job and moved to Manhattan.
This way he could get the Times a day earlier. And
yes, the article was real.

I told him to give up his absurd desire to be the
subject of a hard-luck story. Why didn't he write a
mildly amusing Lives column instead? "Sue, they only
publish about one of those mildly amusing Lives
columns a year," he said. "And they're always by a
known mildly amusing author, such as Nora Ephron or
Calvin Trillin. If you are an unknown writer, the
only way to break in is through something tragic yet
poignant."

Sadly, I saw his point.

After that my brother spiraled out of control. When
the column was full of people who had witnessed bloodshed and war,
he joined the Marines. But during the medical exam,
they discovered his ability to play the saxophone.
They put him in the USO, far from any blood.

When he read "Reckless Entanglement", about a writer's
relationship to his drug and alcohol-addicted brother,
he begged me to write an essay about his chocoholism.
Last year, when he read "Egyptian Like Me", he told
our parents they had ruined his life by not being
Egyptian. Then he read about a woman with a bulimic
father and cursed our dad for not, "effectively
controlling his weight in a way that might benefit his
dreams."

He tried being gay, contracting AIDS and adopting a
kid, all to no avail. He read one column by a man shot
by fellow hunter and implored anyone he met to shoot
him.

And then, tragically, after reading two columns about
the challenges of being blind, he gouged his own eyes
out.

My brother finally had a real disability. And now he
seemed finally to be at peace. Not that he has achieved his dream.
But now, at least, he'll never be able to read the
New York Times Lives column ever again.

Flogging my wares

Tonight I'm hosting a little comedy show.
Jack Dempsey's
36 W 33rd Street
b/w 5th and 6th aves
NY, NY
8pm

Yes, it's less than 2 hours from now! All I can plead is that I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to hawk myself.

Why I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to spell check myself!

See the comment I received the other day regarding my previous post:

btw, a warewolf is a person who gets bitten at a flea market or at a mall.

A werewolf on the other hand is a person who gets bit by a werewolf.

Dang hecklers.

I'm telling you, they're everyware.

Detour

I'm just back from the UK and I seem to have what-might-be-entertaining-to-relate-on-a-blog lag.

So why not:

Read about my friend who was recently bitten by a warewolf?

Or spend a few minutes watching me in the new & exciting trailer for the star-studded movie First Time Caller?

Or worry your neighbors by filling your backyard with birdhouses made to look like old fashioned crappers?

Have a pleasant journey!

Wednesday night, come on down to a hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.

Here's a show I'm doing that's so good, there is no doubt that it'll be almost as entertaining as The Infinite Cate Project.

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:

Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

Wednesday, October 6th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one little coffee-type drink

Wednesday's guest comedians are some of NY's finest: Rusty Ward, Alison Castillo & Ophira Eisenberg.