Sunday, November 24, 2002

I Hope

I hope the artist who wrote,
"If assholes could fly,
this place would be an airport"
isn't starving.

I Hate

I hate everyone at the coffee bar,
the people with notebooks and laptops
because they remind me of myself.

I Think

I think men over 35
should only be seen sporting really long hair
in the ID picture they keep in their wallet
to show people they were once cool.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Greeting Cards Waiting to be Made

I really appreciate you and you brighten my day
(open card)
Now stop forwarding me internet jokes!

Congratulations on your new baby!
(open card)
Please send me a picture when it no longer resembles a squid.

You Are Very Special
(open card)
But I don't tip at coffee bars

Sunday, November 03, 2002

Mid Term Elections
A pal of mine co-wrote this. It does rock. From The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Watch it. Now.
The Daily Show Rocks the Mid Term Elections
Amazing Schoolhouse Rock parody. My pal Eric worked on it, to boot! No, I did not work on it, just adore it.
Watch it now

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

My Guy: a newspaper man
Me: bad at confrontation
The result

Wednesday, 23 October, 2002, 14:58 GMT 15:58 UK
Men's Undies Found on Bed

A pair of undies mysteriously appeared yet again on a bed at 42 Perry
Street. In a shocking development, the undies appear to have been used

A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous said, "What kind of monster would
leave their sweaty boxer shorts on a bed? I am really frightened that this
could spread very quickly to my floor."
A source close to the underwear said, "woof. yuck. woof. I woof, sleep here

Although no one knows how or why this has happened, police are speculating
wildly as to the identity of the undie-owner, now known world-wide as "The
Flinger." The chief of police said, "Sadly, we can not rule out terrorist
activity. The underwear may be a tactic by some rogue nation to beat down
the spirit of the American people." CNN has devoted round the clock
coverage to The Flinger. News leaked this morning revealed the pair of
men's panties were black, leaving police to fear that this perhaps signaled
an even more sinister turn to The Flinger's actions. To try and crack the
case, experts have been called to try and find out why each individual
undergarment is dubbed "a pair."

The woman who discovered the underwear on her bed is trying to recover, but
is said to be in "very pissed off" condition.

Friday, August 30, 2002

I am a known Terrierist.
As I harbor Stan,
a member of the Al Cutea network.

(apologies to everyone everywhere)

Thursday, August 22, 2002

Strolling on 7th avenue
by Susie

Through the pizza place window
sticking your pinky in your ear,
wielding it like a corkscrew
I see you.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

At the West Village dog boutique
by Susie

The definition of a total bummer,
is to find that dog sweaters
are not on sale
even in the height of summer.
I don't like people who, to prove how large something is,
tell you how many times these things laid end-to-end would go around the earth.
If I ever meet someone who does that,
I will snub them.

Do this search on Google, "laid end to end would circle the earth"
and you will find out:

More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured in the US annually. If these
were laid end to end, they would circle the earth nine times.

If 75 billion tortillas were laid end to end, they would stretch across
the US 1178 times or circle the earth 338 times.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions
each year which, if laid end to end, would circle the earth 28 times.

YKK corp. annually produces fasteners for jeans which, if laid end to end, would stretch 480,000 kilometers, sufficient to circle the Earth 12 times.

If every Barbie doll ever manufactured were laid end to end, they would circle the earth three-and-one-half times.

Laid end-to-end, California's unrecycled beverage containers would circle the earth nearly seven times.

The length of the cables used in the Akashi Kaikyo Bridge bridge totals 300,000 kilometers. That's enough to circle the earth 7.5 times!

The international beer market will soon use more than 302 billion containers a year, which - if laid end-to-end - would circle the earth more than 1,050 times!

If all of the strands that make up the cables of the George Washington Bridge were laid end to end, they would circle the earth four times.

Trex co. estimates that it takes 2.7 billion plastic grocery bags out of the waste stream each year, which if laid end to end, would circle the earth about 22 times.

A billion dollar bills laid end to end would circle the globe at the equator four times.

If you laid down a trillion dollars end to end, it would circle the earth 3,882 times!

If all the glass bottles and jars that get recycled in Canada each year were laid end to end, they would circle the earth more than four times

Since 1917, U.S. Gypsum Co. has produced enough Sheetrock to circle the equator 551 times.

All the Spam cans ever produced would circle the earth almost 13 times.

Laid end to end, the sheets of paper used in personal computers each year would circle the Earth over 800 times.

Not much bigger than a fist, the human heart beats 100,000 times each day, sending about 2,000 gallons of blood coursing through vessels, which, laid end-to-end, would be long enough to circle the earth more than twice.

BUT another site says "If the blood vessels of an adult were lined up end to end, they would circle the
equator four times!"

Who's right? I want to stretch these end-to-end people end from end to find out.

The claims are too dull to check their veracity.
The recycling business is most prone to use this gimmick. I spared you so many finds! Recyclers want you to picture garbage and feel really awed and guilty. But the end-to-end bit is tired.
The people who make these stats really need to get laid end to end.
Trivial things I've read that effect my day to day routine in some small way. 1st in a series.

1. Rasberries have more fiber than any other berry.
2. Blueberries have more cancer fighting stuff than any other berry.
3. In a public bathroom, the stall closest to the door is the least used and it is usually the cleanest.
4. A cup of coffee will boost your metabolism and you will burn more calories for a few hours afterwards.
5. Caffine does not boost your metabolism.

Monday, August 12, 2002

Recently uncovered notes from Proust's editor. 1st in a series.

Yo, Marcel. What up?

Look dude, I'm all for you wanting to "Remember things past" and all, but I think you're getting a bit long-winded. I know you're going to fight me on this one, but let's lose the chapters about how good you were at "shave the ballon." Capice?



PS The stuff about the Madeline made me LOL! It's a keeper!
West Side Hwy., 8PM
a "seemed-deep-at-the-time" by Susie

Flung high in the
still light sky,
The moon resembles
one of my cast off toenails.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

About a Dog
"Something You Never Thought You'd Hear"

a obscure memory masquerading as a poem by Susie

We'll know he's gained some weight
if his lederhosen
start to get tight.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Untitled #1
a piece of crap by Susie

Last summer it was sharks.
This summer abductions.
Next summer put your marks
on black tie optional satanic functions.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Today at the Vet
a sorta poem by Susie

When Stan his tapeworm shot did take,
he screamed
like a cockatoo
being burned at the stake.

Monday, July 29, 2002

The New Bait & Switch
by Susie

Blogs with clever names
That turn out to be written in Spanish
or Welsh
or anything other than English,
Are even more annoying
Than the Finnish.
Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeeze Me
a love poem for Ed
by Susie

My heart is soft
But not like a sieve.
See how it fills up
When you use Palmolive?

My heart you have eternally won,
but it swells when you've dishes done.

Friday, July 26, 2002

About to Do Laundry
a pseudo poem, by Susie

Hope I don't
run into a neighbor.

All of whose names
I can never remember.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Guy Parked on Perry.*
a poemy thing by Susie

Right now, still, I'm sure.
Taking up two spots.

You with your sun shade in the window,
You who refused to move your car up or back a few inches,
You with the unplaceable accent.
You who said, "I move up, I might get bumped,
I move back, I might get bumped.
Eeet is not worth it to me."

I dream of picking up the fire hydrant,
moving it to your driver's side door.
Painting the curb yellow as the water spurts.
Laughing as the police ticket you.

Or putting Golden Blossom honey
on your door handle,
Because I was too pussy to
Imagine using dog poop.
For more than a few minutes.

Your Karma is worse
Than your mustache.

Your woman was embarrassed.
Your car was crappy.
I will take action.
I will glare at your car
a few more times today.

Don't even try and stop me.

*Printed and posted on the guy's windshield. I live on the edge!

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Last Night
a poem of sorts, by Susie

Performed massively hung over.
They gave us performers free beers,
but with what I drank the night before,
the beers didn't make the bugs go away,
it just made them kinda cute.

"Oh look, the bugs crawling all over me
are wearing little hand knit scarves!"

I know I drank a lot the night before.
For I reeked of smoke,
I felt far from fine,
and when I woke
the mosquitoes in my pad
couldn't fly a straight line.

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

Ode to the Travel Agency's Bushes on 7th Ave. South

by Stan, The West Village's Poet Lauremutt




OH join me DO!

You don't get it do you?

Dirt rocks.

Sunday, July 07, 2002

The Birth of the Blog
a timeline

2356 BC
The first nerd crawls out of the sea.

The web is invented.

Roger Somethingorother and his wife go on AOL and are amazed by this bold new technology.

Ten minutes later
The Somethingorother's realize AOL is only good for porno chat and e-mailing fake virus alerts.

Soon after that
Baby McBoomer decides there's gold in them thar web hills.

Pat McGroin becomes the world's first liberal arts graduate to make a living.

2 Nanoseconds later
Everyone expects to be and is paid for "content." "Content" is the code name for Baby McBoomer's desire to be in on a site as cutting edge, intelligent and potentially profitable as the Hamster Dance. Talented people eat well, drink a lot and do tons of no work for pay.

Game over. Content schmontent. Piss off.

Liberal Arts majors, geeks and people who share way too many details about their personal life realize, we can provide tons of content! The personal, loving, real, balls-to-the-windscreen content we always wanted on our big corporate sites, but were forbidden to enact! Ye Haw! No more clueless VC's! No more web B.S.! No more pay! No more pay? Oh, yeah, well, so... link to me! love me! Leave a comment for me!

The New York air is filled with smoke imported from Canada. Expect Frogs, vermin and slaying of the first born. For Susie jumping on the blogwagon hath made the Lord sayeth, "Enough already!"

Friday, July 05, 2002

LOVE that the new blog spell checker doesn't approve of the word "blog" or "blogger."

I'm up. So who's complaining? Not me.

I need some water.

Now I'm whining.

Dinner Tonight was Bordeaux and chili. Make your own punchline. I'm beat.
Dramatis Personae

STANLEY a mutt
SUSIE a city wench

ADAM brother to Susie



BLOG I, SCENE 2346567

Enter Susie

Susie Herk! No, shoot... I mean, Hark! (Aside) Dang regular blogger hath no spell check!

Stan doth sleep curled up like a boiled shrimp atop my bed.

Don Edwardo is forced to toil today. Rats-o-rama.

Still, 'tis an auspicious day to start a blog. Except all fancy blog stuff will need to wait until Adam returns from fair Woodstock (aside) Hippy freak land...

I dream of comments! Links to far flung sites! Posts less pretentious than this! Oh yeah baby, this is going to be a blog for your whiskers! Bow down to this new blog of wonder! FEEL THE AWESOME POWER OF THIS, THE WORLD'S MOST SOON TO BE PERHAPS A BIT IMPORTANT BLOG!

Stan ZZZzzzzzzzzz zZZ Zzz ZZZ. ZZZzzz.

Exeunt Susie

Enter Susie

9 hours, an upgrade to Blogger pro and 4 dog walks later, this has still not published. I'd have better luck penning this on a still lake.