Saturday, March 27, 2004

Felber Tonight

Fresh off slaying them at Soho House, I'm performing tonight in a wonderful show. Since life is a cabaret, why not come to a carbaret and feel welcome? That sounded cheesy, must working on my selling it... Anyway, it is a good show in an intimate yet hopping venue. The lighting is nice too, so there.

Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from US Weekly and MTV2!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Ahead of the (pathetic) Curve

Last Monday, fresh off my gig writing copy for a chain restaurant I accepted a pretty cool in-house writing job with a TV network that shall remain nameless. I start next Monday.

Today Neal Pollack confessed that even as a hot young author stud, he wrote copy for the likes of Weight Watchers and 1-800 Flowers.

I love this. I love him for saying it.

Oh hey, did you hear that? That's the sound of all the aspiring young things who want to live the life of an artist clawing and scratching their way out of the cafes and into a copywriting gig.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Enough with the bragging already!

Instead of rubbing in the fact that I'm performing at the SoHo House tomorrow night and all you huddled masses aren't allowed to attend... allow me to show you a link to my wonderful friend's short film that is about the huddled masses, yearning to rock free.

Check out this little labor of love by comedian Rob Paravonian on his home town of Waukegan, Illonois.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I'm a big (So)Ho

This Wednesday night I'm performing at Soho House. The infamous NY Soho House, dahlings.

Thing is, it's a members-only affair. I'm allowed one guest, and that's it.

I'm not a member, but still able to perform. Groucho Marx said something like, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

I say, "I refuse to join any club that I can't afford to become a member of."

And I add, "But I'm totally psyched to snarf down dinner and drinks and get to perform my comic stylings for very possibly wealthy, or at least probably media-connected others who will all try to act like they aren't looking for celebrities or they don't think it's awesome to be so very lucky to be drinking and dining in the ultra-cool spot of the moment."

Will my appearance and my dorkiness that can't be scraped off mark the end of Soho House's cool quotient? Or will my appearance ignite a Felber-induced burning hot hotness that will crown it the coolest place ever from now to eternity?

Let's be honest here people...most likely the latter.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Clever Takes a Holiday

I'm sleepy today. So very sleepy that even after 5 cups of instant coffee all I can bring myself to do is promote some of my upcoming shows in a bland copy and paste manner.

Could it be someone is pumping gas under the door? Or is it just that on this, the first day of spring, it's currently snowing and the snow that is dropping has the weight and heft of rat pellets and I'm so pissed off I've decided to hibernate straight through to Memorial Day? Yeah, that could be it. See you next summer!

Or, if I decide to amble out of my cave to get in a few comedy sets, you can see me at one of the following shows:

This Wednesday @ 7pm I'm doing Poppi Hour.

Poppi Hour is at The Duplex
61 Christopher Street
(at 7th Ave.)
NYC, NY 10014

From the site:
Featuring comics seen on Letterman, E! and Comedy Central, this wild evening is certain to get you over that Hump Day! There's NO COVER, two-for-one drink specials, and tons o' laughs...

Then on Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from Comedy Central...'s website!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Felber today, Felber tonight

Felber today: I've received many a forwarded joke and one e-mail virus warning from good friends.

I completed the Spotlight newsletter for this week, had steamed broccoli marinara and two cups of instant coffee.

I planned a nice dinner with my family so we can also fill out an application to possibly finally get compensation for the property my grandparents had swiped by the Nazi's. That kind of fun always helps a dinner go down, IMHO!

I will soon take a shower and walk the dog again. I'll probably have another cup of instant coffee and add awesome vanilla chemicals.

Felber tonight is much more glamorous:

I am appearing live at B3 tonight, Wednesday, March 17th.

The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Ave B at Third St.
Weds @ 8pm sharp
Take the f train to second Ave
$4 cover buys your first drink -- Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water.

With your host, Becky Donohue (kinda Irish, kinda Spanish, kinda Welsh, annoyingly American)

Sean Crespo ~ I don't think he's Irish
Josh Spear ~ Jewish and muscle bound
Jodi Young ~ Black Irish
Michele Balan ~ Let's just say they won't let her march...
Susie Felber ~ Irish lookin' with the red hair, but Jewish underneath it all.
Will Mckinley ~ The Mick is in the name, need I say more? He will get extra time.
Leigh Kessler ~ Sounds Irish, the Leigh, and the Irish tend to spell things funny, but not, maybe Jewish, maybe figure it out.

Come on down and let's act all Irish and poop.

I am also appearing not live!

Tonight, I can be seen on TV. I'm on MTV2 in a show called, "That's Not A Good Look."

"Not A Good Look"; is a no-holds-barred inspection of fashion styles seen in music videos and on the red carpet. Enjoy unfortunate fashion disaster moments from Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, R Kelly, Brittney Spears, J Lo and NSync. Featuring comments by comedians Robert Schimmel, Nick DiPaolo, Rich Vos, Jim Norton, Rain Prior -- and that red hot vixen who writes stuff about how awesome she is -- Susie Felber!

Below, are all the upcoming dates and times you can see me being oh-so hilarious in this show (if you gots the MTV2):

Wed 03/17
9:00 PM

Thu 03/18
1:30 PM

Fri 03/19
4:30 PM

Sat 03/20
7:00 PM

Sun 03/21
10:30 AM

Wed 03/24
2:00 PM

Thu 03/25
10:00 AM

Sat 03/27
4:00 PM

Mon 03/29
10:30 AM

Tue 03/30
9:00 PM


Now, who would you rather know? Felber today? Or super sexy Felber tonight?

Yeah, me too!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

The Deli Lama

He is a smiley Korean man who works at the bodega on 7th Ave. and Charles street. He mainly works at night. His name is hard to pronounce, something like "Un" or "Eun."

But he calls himself the Deli Lama.

He makes colorful hats for each day out of paper plates using a scissors and magic markers and he wears one every time he works.

Sometimes he makes hats for others.

He made me a hat on December 19th, 2003.

I know that because the hat was dated.

It has wonderful things written on it. On each of a cut out animal's legs it says: Peace, Love, Health, Prosperity. This unidentifiable animal has a round head, a tail and he is smiling.

In the middle of the animal is a round design wishing a merry x-mas and a happy new year. The circle also says, "Life is sweet."

Smack in the middle of this is my name, done in green marker with red accents. On the back the writing is in black, blue, green and red. It says, "Susie is the center of the universe, surrounded by lots of love and luck."

He pre-writes many of the hat elements when business at the deli is slow. This way he can simply just write your name in.

At the bottom he wrote, "www.BEAUTYQUEENSUSIE.COM/NO.1"

Under that it says, "The Deli Lama"

I love my paper plate hat.

I am wearing it now.

Monday, March 15, 2004


Very quickly because I'm a very busy, very important person...

Tonight I'm appearing at Luna!

And I'm doing something or other that will be very funny, Thor willing. Where on earth did they get that braided hair pic of me that's on the site? What other embarrassing pics might they have? In my preemptive defense, that horse totally wanted it. Anyway, here's all the 411:

"Eating It" at Luna Lounge is every Monday night at 8:30PM sharp. Doors open at 7:30 PM. Admission is $8 (includes one free drink). Valid photo ID required to enter. 21 & over only.

Luna Lounge is located at 171 Ludlow Street which is between Houston & Stanton streets.

This coming Wednesday I'm doing this show:

“Becky and Friends at B3”
The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Avenue B & 3rd Street NYC
Hotline: 212-971-118
Every Wednesday at 8PM
$4 cover buys your first drink (Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water)

And then on Friday, I get to host backstage video interviews for Comedy Central's web thang at Comedy Central's Bar Mitzvah Bash. Sounds like a blast to me.

Who knew a Hebrew school drop out could achieve such greatness?

Monday, March 08, 2004

Felber Tonight

I'm appearing at Luna Lounge for "50 in 50" -- 50 comics in 50 minutes.

Tonight at 8:30 Sharp!

The past 2 years it has been 60 comics in 60 minutes, with the 20 best given a spot at Irving Plaza for a segment called, you guessed it, "20 in 20."

The past 2 years, I immodestly submit that I have made the cut and been one of the 20 in 20. You can even watch me in action at Irving Plaza.

Click here and see me perform my original song, "Pay Per View Doesn't Show Cock." I played the autoharp I had bought at a junk shop and then smashed it, having no clue I was partially ruining an authentic "3rd Man" junior autoharp. After the show it was pointed out to me and I searched the stage for the pieces that had been chipped off in my passion. I recovered most all of them -- the stagehands who had almost been hit by flying bits of autoharp were very nice and remembered where they were.

The next year I did a flute and song tribute to my hero after September 11th, Kelly Osbourne. Here I learned that wearing a pink wig and sticking a cigarette in your flute like a rock guitarist is fun.

This year there will be no "winners" chosen, it's just a show for the crazy fun of it.

Here's the info from the site:

EATING IT PRESENTS 50 in 50 (50 comics in 50 minutes) Hosted by Colette Hawley
You think 7 comics is a bargain at $8 (including a free drink)? How about 50 for the price of 7? It’s the return of one of the most popular, diverse and eclectic comedy events in New York! Come see 50 comics perform in 50 minutes (give or take a few). 50 in 50 will feature many of our Eating It regulars along with several newcomers condensing the best of what they do in 60 seconds, with plenty of creative twists and outrageous surprises. Past editions of the show featured a celebrity all-star elderly tap dancing revue; a comic’s mother telling dirty jokes; the compete Enron scandal in 60 seconds; bad magic tricks, raunchy mad libs; a musical concert on a saw; Phil Collins Junior, and a 60 second reverse strip tease.

Host: Host: comedian Colette Hawley, creator and host of “Confessing It”, “Dating It”, “C Sharp: Comedy and Music with an Edge” and “Box of Sadness”


Craig Baldo, Sara Barron, Becky & Noelle, Clara Bijl, Jordan Carlos, Adam Cole-Kelly, Josh Comers, Jane Condon, Jonathan Corbett, Jessica Delfino, Pete Dominick, Becky Donohue, Andres duBouchet, Peter Dutton, Ophira Eisenberg, Susie Felber, Jon Fisch & James Patterson, Kimmy Gatewood, Bayne Gibby, Mike Gold, Matt Goldich, Josh Haness, The Hazzards, Seth Herzog, Tim Homayoon, Peter Hyman, Dan Kennedy, Leigh Kessler, Eric Kirchberger, Nick Kroll Andrea Rosen Chelsea Peretti & Roger Hailes, Shauna Lane, Nasry Malak, Moody McCarthy, Liam McEneaney, Veronica Mosey, Sara Polon, Dan Powell, Susan Prekel, Stacey Prussman, The Rob and Mark Show, Kristen Schaal, Debbie Shea, Dave Siegel, Bricken Sparacino, Rebecca Tingley, Amber Tozer, Adam Wade, Jessica Wood, Florence Yoo, & Rena Zager.

Now, here it is 1:20 PM on the day of the show and I have no clue what I'm doing for my minute.

Come on down and find out!

PS Next Monday at Luna I'm doing a "real" longer than 1-minute spot.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Purim Passion Play

At the last minute I was drafted for a one-night only opportunity to be in a couple of really funny oft Purim-themed sketches. It is a fundraiser. Well-written by Rob Kutner, a writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Congregation Shaare Zedek
93rd btw B'way and Amsterdam
10PM (but show up around 9ish for tix)
...and I am told there will be food and booze aplenty.

Only problem is that I have no idea how much it is. It's for a good cause though, so fill your pockets.

I'm psyched. Purim is a fun holiday and a rare chance to let your hair down in the congregation. My friend Eric told me that on Purim, "One is supposed to drink until one can no longer tell good from evil."

Same old, same old, eh?

Friday, March 05, 2004

Hang on a Polyester-Pickin' Second!

Oh feck, I almost always forget to plug myself.

Ah! I remembered!

I'm performing tonight!

Come to: The No Relation Comedy Show

Awesome but unrelated, Joe DeVito and Anthony DeVito perform and host an excellent show just a stone's throw from The Emprie State Building.

No Relation Comedy
36 W. 33rd St. (b/w 5th & 6th)
1, 2, 3, 9 to 34 St./7th Ave.
B, D ,F, N, Q, R, V, W to 34 St./Herald Sq.


Tonight's show features the hot & writerly Todd Levin, the hot & visiting Brit sensation Jo Caulfield & wonderful ol' me!

See you there!

Or not.



Say No More

Damn I was tempted to hang it all and name the name of the place I dissed in yesterday's post. But hey, it's not just bad karma I fear as I said. You see it is an Italian restaurant after all. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. Eh? Eh?*

* Actually it's not that kind of Italian place and to be honest I'm not really scared of Mafia-type revenge for some crap I write on my blog that is only read by 5 people/year.**

**OK, maybe I'm just the tiniest bit apprehensive, even though I know it's insane. You know, they might be connected, you never know.***

*** OK that is insane. They are probably not Mafia. That is a terrible cliche and you Susie are a bad person for even thinking it. Shame shame on you!****

**** Still, it might be dangerous to publically humiliate them. Any restaurant has sharp knives and they are right down the block and... Wait, who is that knocking on the door now? It's only 8:20 am. Funny, I'm not expecting anyone... Let me go see and...."Why hello man in white jacket with cleaver and blood stains on his apron, how can I help y..AAAAAAARGHHH!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!! YAA!! Ow! ARGH!! Gurgle gurgle, ARGHHH!!!!!"*****

***** That cartoon-like "AAARGH!" was supposed to imply I had been attacked by the chef and that I was screaming for my life. Anyone who has a better way to represent screaming bloody murder in a more realistic way, please feel free to contact me. Thanks!

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Spin City

An upscale Italian joint opened recently on my corner in the West Village. Actually, since the one time I went there lunch for two came to just shy of 100 bucks, I suppose "joint" is not the right word. My lunch for two included no appetizer, no dessert and just 3 glasses of the cheapest wine possible. Oh, and one of us ordered vegetable soup as an entree. What I'm getting at is that it's expensive. In other words, I mean to say that when the bill came, I almost plotzed. The price included entertainment such as lots of indeterminate European accents, beautiful young women with ugly old men and one extremely loud gay lawyer who I know tons more about because he was so loud.

Our food was dull and standard. There was nothing offensive, but nothing particularly good. The wine was nothing to e-mail home about. The waiters, however, all look awesome in their candy pink shirts and the tall drink of water who is the host is considered hot by all the middle-aged ladies in the hood.

In the interest of not wooing bad karma I will not reveal the name of the restaurant.

Sure I was predisposed to not like it because I was a regular at the previous restaurant that lived there. The previous restaurant, Anton's, was forced out when the landlord more than doubled the rent. Anton was the chef/owner and employed only 2 waiters & one Hispanic sous chef. With the rent set to skyrocket, he said there was no way he could turn even a modest profit... As if that little fact ever stopped a NYC restaurant from opening.

Lemme get to the point.

I just saw the listing for this restaurant on NY Citysearch. I was curious about what it would say because the place had recently gotten the most devastatingly bad review I think I've ever seen in the New York Times. I think "Snow Dogs" got a better review than this place. The Times review basically said that the restaurant was overpriced, tasteless. The reviewer said the food was as pretty and vapid as the clientele. The reviewer concluded that this place could only attract and was made for beautiful, stupid rich people who were themselves tasteless people. Ouch. Wait, did he call me beautiful? Aw.

The Times ripped this place a new one to the point I felt sorry for them. It can't be that bad, I thought. And I'm not that razor thin and jaw-droppingly beautiful (close but no cigar) so maybe my presence will prove it wrong. So in part to support them and in part because I had a very sick relative visiting who hadn't been out in two days and couldn't go farther than a block, I went. I also went because sadly my imagination was impoverished -- before that day I could not conceive of a lunch that expensive at a little village cafe.

Surprisingly on Citysearch it was a recommended restaurant(!), $$$$ explained the high prices, and it gushed over the food.

But the best part was that it contained this snippet of a review, "Everything looks good at (name deleted)" -- Marian Burros, New York Times.

They just seemed to forget to include the rest of the review which was something like, "Everything looks good here and yet tastes like crap." The review even compared the gelati to supermarket sherberts. I suppose this gimmick is old hat for movies but it surprised me in the food arena. I say this place should cut out the middleman, pull an all-out Sony and just create their own reviewer.

Here, I'll get them started:

"A culinary delight, every dish a winner, you'll wish you were even more ridiculously wealthy than you are so that you could just throw hundred dollar bills at their feet when they serve the panini. Speaking of the panini, it is so orgasmically delicious, that you may forget you just dropped a twenty on what is basically an under-stuffed mediocre sandwich on stale yet exquisitely oily bread. The delicious selection of wines can be paired perfectly with your 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. After the second glass you may even forget she is only with you because her acting career never panned out and she's really wildly attracted to your pad in the Hamptons. Speaking of the Hamptons, you can enjoy the same vibe at their other two locations. With one in the Hamptons and the other on the Upper East Side, you can relax with others who share your tax bracket, if not your accent." -- Ima Sheetengyou, The Times Herald News Examiner Daily Standard Weekly.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Why pay retail?

When you can get your hands on a fully refurbished blood and fluid warmer?

See how happy this woman in the Gendron Millennium Bariatric Patient Lift is?

That's because her fluids were warmed.

Order now and get 10 percent off a snazzy like-new binocular colposcope!

This coloposcope features:

13.5x magnification (optional 10x, 18x)
Working distance of 275mm
Green filter for clear visualization of vascular patterns*
3 illumination settings
4-legged base with locking caster wheels
35mm or video camera documentation

Act now and we'll throw in a Gomco 6000/6003 GI Drainage Unit absolutely free!

As always, we will beat any competitors price on Sigmoidoscopes & Choledochoscopes. We will not be undersold on Tuttnauer Compact Valueklaves! We are the best in the business for all your Ross Flexiflo Quantum needs.

*Now we know how Paris Hilton shot her video, eh?

Monday, March 01, 2004


Hot off Janet Jackson's fan-tacky-stic waving boobie and recent scathing tabloid features focused on pointing out Anna Nicole-like racks, Hollywood decided to bare all -- their shoulders.

To wit:

Liv Tyler and many of those blonde actresses I can't tell apart were in tops that looked like racer-back Speedo swimsuits. High to the neck but with no arms and ample full frontal shoulder.

Annie Lennox wore a white peek-a-boo shoulder #.

Susan Sarandon's shoulders begged for attention as she had one strap up and the other devil-may-care down. As it was never adjusted I was left to believe this was intentional. She is beautiful but her dress made her look drunk.

To prove how risque shoulders have become, one need only look at nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes, aged 13, whose white gauze type thing was worn only to cover her shoulders.

Even Nicole Kidman did not have cleavage in a strapless #. Yes her gown jutted out brazenly as if supported by flying buttresses, but while they were obviously invited to the dress, her boobs were not in attendance.

Best (and only) Boobs

This was a tie.

1. A Queen Latifah-esque pair worn by Marcia Gay Harden. But Marica had the excuse of being so extremely pregnant I was worried her possible stunt would've trumped that of Blake Edwards.

2. Billy Crystal's (shiver!)

Added bonus Oscar fashion award from me!

Worst Dress

This was also a two-way tie.

1. UMA in her enormous but starchy white layers with yodeller trim totally Swiss Missed the mark.

2. OPRAH actually wore a gown with a huge bow on her butt. She looked like a bridesmaid on that episode of A Different World where Whitley, a.k.a. Jasmine Guy, gets married. With her huge 80's bustle, baby got back... to the future!