Sunday, July 30, 2006

Friday, July 28, 2006

In Manhattan, it's not the heat

...and it's not the humidity neither. It's the smell that the heat brings up. Today 40th street smelled like a melange of pee, corpses and exhaust.

"Oi, did an antelope die in here?"

It makes one long for the kinder, simpler summer smells of my childhood such as:

Eau de Ferret-Filled Apartment

Halal Meat Cart Splash

Chanel # Homeless Guy with Gangrene

Monday, July 24, 2006

Below, check out a don't-miss article by my Ed about the opening night concert we attended at Bethel Woods, which is on the grounds of the original Woodstock site. This was published in the Financial Times Arts & Weekend section with a big pic of the post-concert fireworks. And Ed might be embarrassed by my kvelling about his stuff, but that's what you get for hooking up with an American, boy-o!

No sign of the spirit of '69
By Ed Holland

You had to be there, man. Hurd Road, in the sleepy, blameless town of Bethel in upstate New York, hadn't seen traffic like this for 37 years. Actually it had never seen traffic like this. In 1969 it had funnelled the ragged masses of the long-haired, the tie-dyed, the flowered, the drugged and the defiantly young before they debouched blissfully from their multicoloured VWs into the natural amphitheatre of the greatest happening in the history of the counterculture.

In 2006, by way of contrast, it was a long, sleek armada of Mercedes SUVs and BMW convertibles that, chivvied and channelled by the state traffic police, bore their moneyed, groomed, overwhelmingly middle-aged occupants to the smooth gravel rows of Parking Area South.

At the original Woodstock festival, they sent in army helicopters only when the bedraggled foot soldiers of the Age of Aquarius looked as if they might starve to death. Now, on the night of the inaugural concert at the Bethel Woods Center for the Arts, the spanking new open-air "facility" constructed on the site of the epochal 1960s event, the parking lot hummed with the kind of purposeful movement that suggested one had stumbled upon the staging area for a military invasion years in the planning.

Of course, no one apart from a few hippie veterans was expecting, much less hoping, that the anarchy of Woodstock would be recreated. It was the New York Philharmonic performing at the opening night, not Hendrix. But surely a little of its spirit would endure amid the tasteful landscaping, the paved walkways and the interpretive centre (that essential component of the 21st century cultural venue). Surely, after paying $20 for the privilege of sitting on the lawn, one might feel free to throw off bourgeois restraint for an evening and indulge wildly in a small picnic or, perhaps, a bottle of wine with one's fellow music-lovers underneath the warm summer sky. Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things, at Tanglewood, at Kenwood House, at Central Park?

Not if the organisers had anything to do with it. Amid the fanfare in the run-up to opening night, Bethel Woods had also laid out, in a depressing little euphemism, its guest policies. A handy primer on how not to enjoy yourself, this turned out to be a long, petty and exhaustive list of prohibitions on what guests - that is to say, paying customers - might bring to the concert or do while at it: no food, no booze, no soft drinks, no drink coolers, no smoking. No nothing. Sit there quietly on your blanket (permitted) and enjoy the show.

In fact it is not quite accurate to say that no drink was allowed. In a concession of bureaucratic and surreal specificity, the organisers had determined that it was acceptable to bring "one bottle of factory-sealed water per person". At Woodstock, famously, the only policy to which guests were subject was not to take the acid if it was brown. At Bethel Woods, the partying hordes were enjoined not to drink the water if it came in a bottle that was not factory-sealed. There were those who complained that this contravened the spirit of '69. It would also have contravened the spirit of the average church bazaar, village fete or knitting circle. Far out.

Thus, as I approached the turnstiles, all thoughts of music had been pushed aside by a single urgent question: would my wife get in with her cunningly concealed block of cheese (not factory-sealed) and plastic knife? (Metal knives were banned, possibly for anti-terrorism reasons, as if we were boarding an airliner rather than entering a large field.) In a victory for hedonists everywhere, she got through without a hitch. Others had not been so lucky. At the foot of each gate lay long, admonitory lines of confiscated bottles, like the rows of guns and knives the police like to display for the cameras after a successful raid. Clearly there were guests who had been unaware of the policies or could not believe they would be enforced. I saw wine, beer, Coca-Cola, champagne and scotch. But the most prized catch must have been the single, incriminating bottle of unopened Perrier that stood there. Either the celebrated French mineral water is not factory-sealed or, more intriguingly, not water.

Once inside, or as inside as it's possible to get in a thousand-acre meadow, I was interested to note the presence, at intervals of about 10 yards, of a string of concession stands, all topped by the familiar Budweiser logo and emitting the universally recognisable aroma of frying fat. A Coors Light in a plastic bottle or a limp hamburger served on a cardboard dish was at all times close at hand. One could have been at any sports stadium. The thinking behind the policies became clear: less puritanical bossiness (although the forbidding of alcohol to "those appearing under 30 years of age" suggested this played a part) than commercial logic: if you must eat and drink during your Tchaikovsky, then you'll have to buy it from us.

Gnawed by thirst and daunted by the prospect of three hours of light classical music without refreshment, I queued to buy a mini-bottle of Chardonnay for $5. When I got back to my blanket I noticed that all my wine had leaked out through a crack in the little plastic beaker. I felt a lowering of the mood and, as darkness fell, took a walk around the astonishingly beautiful grounds.

Then, towards the end of the "1812 Overture", the cannon smoke cleared to reveal, dotted across the immaculate grass, the sight of a hundred picnics being openly consumed. Some reckless, romantic souls had taken on the soulless money men and outwitted them with smuggled camembert, cherries and Sauvignon Blanc. Fight the power! The music ended and a stupendous firework display filled the sky. For a moment, the acrid tang of the gunpowder smelt like victory.

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2006

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Modern Day Chicken/Egg Dilemma

Do fat men like ATV's?

"Ahhh, I love feeling the wind against my perennial fat man sweat!"

Or do ATV's make men too fat to pursue any other sport?

"I got winded turning on the there a remote for that?"

I've no idea. Do you?

Incidentally, I've wondered the same thing about dudes who love jet skis...

"FYI, I haven't seen my genitals since she was conceived!"

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Oh happy day!

Before wrapping up for the day, I wrote a line to be beamed out to thousands that said, in part, "...craves your mail like a panda with PMS craves chocolate-covered bamboo."

And it made me happy. In fact, it suddenly made up for a horrible day, one that began auspiciously when I almost blacked out from the heat on what became a two-hour journey to work.

Just take away the hooves; add a jazzy polyester maternity outfit, and this could be me on my commute this morning.

And so I'm reminded of this bit from "Some Dark Thoughts on Happiness" an article by Jennifer Senior in New York Magazine:

"And from Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, I come across the most compelling, persuasive, and revolting study of them all: Two separate groups of men, when given colonoscopies, reported less discomfort if the instrument sat in place for a few seconds after the procedure, even though it prolonged the exam. The reason is that the final moment involved less pain. Apparently, we define and remember our experiences by their highs, lows, and how they end."

Susie signing off saying, here's hoping your day ends painlessly, and your end is never in pain.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Untitled #428

Aw, what a cute whittle kitten...

I vant to march on Poland!

Sorry, you what?

You dare question Der Furer?

Apologies to the lovely Flippy and Leigh-Ann for insinuating one of their new kittens might be Hitler reincarnated.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Master Casting
Thinking about being an actor? Before you quit your day job read our look at what casting directors are looking for. Hint: it involves naked women.

by Susie Felber

Read it here and now on Hollywood Heat!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Introducing: The Veri's

I am proud to announce a brand new awards ceremony that will take place in February 2007: The Veri's. The 1st Annual Veri's will honor the best in the art and science of word verification on the Web. They will be hosted by me, and many well-known performers will be on hand to present the awards.

Although most of the awards will be determined by a panel of judges, you can vote in The People's Choice Veri's. For example, vote now for your favorite verification word in the category: SEXINESS. Here are the nominees...

"gkshx" in red cladding is a very classic hot and sexy verification word.

"grrvb" broke the "g" verification word mold with ground-breaking blue.

"dmmizst" is a coy verification word. The "mm" says there's something tasty in this word, while it also seduces Web surfers with a hint of "z" and the "st" leaves one with the promise of something more.

Rules: All verification words are eligible. To be considered for The Veri's, submit your best verification word in gif or jpg format, a written brief of no less than 400 words outlining your word (must include demonstrated results) and a non-refundable $250 deposit.

Note: The Veri's are a wholly-owned trademark of Snooge & Co. All rights reserved. And yes, the Veri's are silly. But we just think we're a tad more interesting and worthy than that scam Web Awards ceremony known as The Webbys.

UPDATE: Will MySpace sweep The Veri's with their trippy Peter Max-esque verification words? See two of their entries below!

Whoa, MySpace, your verification words are blowing MyMind!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


You can read my "final" thoughts on the World Cup right here on TNR's Goal Post blog.

Germans waving goodbye to the World Cup...

PS In other news the German government has informed me this week that they found my grandfather's assets. Of course, these "registered assets" may be all of two rusty tin spoons, but the point is it was very nice of them to look in all the cupboards after, oh, 70 years. And my father, were he still alive, would have been made glad.

S S MOUZINHO PHOTO  [immigrantships[1].net-v6-picturesv6-mouzinho
This is the ship for orphans that my father and his older sister came to America on. They were on one of three voyages from France that rescued 311 children.

Here are some amazing photos I found of Jewish refugee children waiting to board the Mouzinho. One of the photos shows a child that looks just like my father, but as I can only see his eyes and his height, maybe I am imagining it.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Virtual Postcard from the Catskills

It's HOT during the day.
Far fetched

And cool at night.
Man's best friend

We are enjoying the fireworks.

Both natural
Hummingbird Porn
Fireworks au nat

...and manmade.
firew red
fire w peep
Fireworks Bethel Woods

Wish You Were Here
Bee Balm Jean 'n Sue's view
...and all that jazz.