Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Oooh Ah

Once again I will grace the back pages of US Weekly. Next week catch Felber's quips a plenty in "Fashion Police."

Now my glam rump is off to Thanksgiving in the not-so-wilds of Long Island. I'm taking my Scottish pal Angie and my Midwestern pal Eris. I'm hoping I can show them where I was raised, but I fear the holiday crowds mean we may not be able to get near the mall.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Monday, November 17, 2003

Queer Eye for the What Ever the F He Was Guy

In the underground halls of the subway at 14th street I spied with my little eye:

A dude in front of me with gel encrusted faux hawk and a big honking monk's bald spot.

It was like looking directly into a shark's anus.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Feeling Testy

I hate having my blood checked. It's not the needle, it's not the blood. Heck I give blood regularly. Giving blood is one of the few things in this life I don't do just for the cookies.

I hate my blood being tested because you can't excel at it. I'm a very competitive person deep down and it's a drag knowing that deep down under your skin the best you can do is "normal." My dad the Hematologist explained this to me early and I remember the disappointment. I told this to my brand spanking new PCP yesterday when he was doing the blood letting. He said, "Well, I guess you could have exceptionally low cholesterol. That would be good."

I lit up, I was like a flower put in water, my nipples exploded with delight.

I got the call from the doc today. I steeled myself against being merely normal. For some reason I had not one fear that something would be abnormal... This from a gal who thinks she has incurable toe cancer at least twice a day.

My blood was... Normal.

Yeah whatever, get to the goods...

"Your cholesterol however is -"

I'm dying doc, dying I tell ya!

"Great. Really exceptional. Very low."

I let out a hoot and started giggling. Tell me more...

"Well your bad cholesterol is very low and your good cholesterol is high."

He reassured me this was good. Very good. He said I could live to 120 with these numbers, as long as someone seeing one of my shows didn't throw an egg at me.

Yeah, I think he said egg. Don't know if that would be fatal or how exterior egg might raise my LDL but bless him for trying. He was actually funnier than that would lead you to believe. For me a funny doctor is more important than if he tries to cure me with feathers, bull's blood and rattles.

Basking in my stellar bodily fluid performance (especially since weight and other factors I get nagged by my mother about should have raised it by now), I thanked him and told him I would keep up the olive oil IV's.

He probably thought, "What? Oh, she's usually funnier than that. Bless her for trying."

Monday, November 10, 2003

Win 50 Pounds of Lobster!

I'm looking to pitch to mags I'm not familiar with. Like Redbook magazine, for example. So far Redbook seems like Cosmo for housewives. Angelina Jolie is on this month's cover, but dressed in jeans and not pouting. Think Lara Croft goes to the PTA meeting. It boils down to less sex, less slinky dresses, more recipes and room makeovers.

Anywho, while checking out Redbook magazine's website, I saw an animated banner ad that said, "Put the lobster in the pot, and you could win 50 pounds of lobster!"

Of course I knew you didn't have to click and drag the lobsters, because I am a saavy and intelligent web surfer. But who was promising to give away 50 pounds of lobster? Why would anyone want 50 pounds of lobster? Storing 50 pounds of lobster would be very difficult. What kind of schmendrake would actually click on a banner ad for 50 pounds of lobster?

So I clicked.

It's not a company sponsored contest. Not that I can see. It's a whole site dedicated to giving away obscene amounts of lobster. Is it an advertising scheme? To what ends? The only clue on the site is that it looks like hot chicks like to have and win 40-50 pounds of lobster... go to the site, you'll see.

Lobstersweeps? Is it a joke? No, but how can it not be a joke?

Who? What? Why? How? I...

I feel woozy.


Thursday, November 06, 2003

Untitled #468

Always trolling for more writing work I found a job listing this morning. A monthly glossy mag looking for full length articles. There were four full paragraphs of requirements. Then at the bottom, it got down to brass tacks:

Compensation: t-shirt, sticker pack +

+! +! What do you think the + might be? Maybe... just's a travel mug with the magazine's logo! Oooohhhh! Or UPC symbols from Quaker Oatmeal variety packs? Or even the contents of Zsa Zsa Gabor's bagless vacuum cleaner? I'm so dying to know I'm tempted to write the 2500 word feature for them.

OK, the temptation has passed. But I will always remember the sticker pack that got away.

Stoopid economy.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Me Mum, Me Man & Me Stan

My mom's latest book came out last week and you should buy it. Not only do you get a cracking good read, but it's dedicated to my Stan. Wow! You can find To Tempt a Bride in the stores, or all convenient-like with this direct link to it on Amazon.

Oh and mom a.k.a. Edith Layton, is also once again part of the latest Christmas collection of Regency romances. Here's your super direct-o link to Regency Christmas Wishes.


Also my newspaper editing wonder boy Ed takes his 2nd amble into the glamour packed land of showbiz I know all too well by doing all the voices on Bob Shea's latest Brit-puppets-on-Bicardi-bottles short. Watch "The Foreign Exchange Student and His Mysterious Suitcase" here and now.

Not much to report from my end. I've got to get to writing the Spotlight newsletter and then to finding a parka that doesn't make me look like a curly haired hippy marshmallow, a pair of running sneaks that don't give me Brazil shaped blisters and a duvet that has some loft to surround my womanly curves. Since I am a cheapskate who adores quality and hates shopping you can expect these purchases to be made by the summer of 2006.