Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Things I want very badly

...that can not be put on my Amazon Wishlist

Time Warner available in Weehawken.
The worst part of moving to Weehawken (aside from the looks of pity I get from friends who live in the West Village, Crown Heights and Astoria) is Cablevision. Cablevision means no NY1, which means mornings with no temperature and weather together and no Roger Clark. No Roger Clark means that I must slow down and gawk at traffic accidents to get the same fix. Cablevision also means a channel guide that seems as advanced as an Atari 2600, and the choice of colors make your eyes bleed. Plus for some reason, unlike Time Warner, Cablevision service is not smart enough to remember the last channel you were tuned into and instead always defaults to Channel 2 when you turn it on. The worst part? I have been watching 7000% more CBS programming because of this.

Someone to tell me
...if CBS ratings are indeed better in markets where the cable box defaults to channel 2 and lazy people like me tune in because of this.

To not be a victim of

..the inevitable Zombie Holocaust

Buckets of money
From winning the lottery.

A brain that
...is smart enough to never buy a lottery ticket.

A vaccine to ensure that my love of nature

...never convinces me to purchase a tacky ass T-shirt.

Universal Health care for all Americans.
The "all" might be redundant, no?

Americans that cared about universal health care.
I don't get you people at all.

To have everyone come join me as I host this upcoming book release party next Monday.
Monday, March 6th
Tell Your Friends! at The Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
Take the F train to Delancey St.
Only $5 !!

This week, an eclectic group of performers helps us celebrate the release of the critically acclaimed comics anthology, True Porn 2. A sequel to the anthology that sold out its first two printings, it's a collection of autobiographical sex stories from some of the underground comix scene's best artists. Tonight we celebrate the happy ending of its manual release by cranking out an evening of debauchery, depravation, and quiet nerd lust.

WITH YOUR MC - Ms. Susie Felber

AND: Belly-dancer Leela Corman! Burlesque dancer Nasty Canasta! Comedian/TP2 contributor Liam McEneaney! Author/porn enthusiast Bob Powers! Comedian/cartoonist/TP2 contributor Karen Sneider! And rock n' roll music from the cartoonist band Flaming Fire! And house band - A Brief View of the Hudson.

Susie says: Yet another old friend of mine not listed above contributed to TP2. If you haven't seen it, check out (and buy) Sharon Lintz's original comic Pornhounds.

Pornhounds was written by the amazingly talented Sharon Lintz (soon off to grad school for creative writing) and illustrated by Mark McMurray, Ed Piskor, Matthew Shultz, Robin Bougie, Jim Rugg, and Sophie Crumb. Covers by Joe Simko.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Woman vs. Bus
A series of matches between Me (the Woman) and the M42 (the Manhattan crosstown bus).

Oooh ahh, not-so-magic bus!

Usually when you take a bus in Manhattan you start inwardly cursing the bus and you think, "It would probably be faster to walk." But you really don't believe it, because if you did, you'd never have gotten on the bus in the first place. The bus stops a lot, but it has to be faster than walking, right? We shall see...

This morning's match 2.27.06: 9th Avenue to 3rd Avenue. Me Vs. M42
Distance: 1 mile

I was walking in sturdy black tundra waterpoof Merrell's.* Bus was presumably wearing big wheels. Why presumably? Because no crosstown bus was visible behind me when I set out, and none passed me along the way.

Outcome: Woman walking WINS over bus. Big time.

Current stats: I am 7 for 8 in beating the crosstown bus via walking.

NOTE: Manhattan buses that run along routes already serviced by subways are for the infirm and the unemployed only and any delays incurred are your own fault for being stupid enough to get on a bus.

*Do these shoes make me look gay or retired or both? Just a little, right? Awesome!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Today I am resting on my laurels.


"And don't that Felber have some fiiiine laurels! MMmm HMM!"
- The chick from the 1900 William Bouguereau painting Branche de Laurier (Laurel Branch).

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Olympics not your cup of tea? Well let's rewind and check out this week's Felber highlights, so far:

MONDAY: A German woman woke me up at 3AM loudly asking to speak to my father, who passed away about 7 years ago. She spoke almost no English and muttered to someone else in German between shouting things at me like, "OOH AH EWW?" "SPEAK CHERMAN?" "ANYONE SPEAK CHERMANN DERE? I LETTER NOR-BEARDT FELD-AIR!" I said, "Who are you?" many times and her reply was always, "CHERMANY!" After this call I had nightmares, that is, after a few hours past and I could finally get back to sleep. No idea what it was about. I told her to send the letter. If she understood, then I’m sure there’s excitement to come. What kind of idiot calls America at 3AM expecting someone will be happy and ready for a chit chat in German?


TUESDAY: I accidentally was served, and enthusiastically ate, a baked potato with year-old sour cream. Actually it had expired Feb 19, 2005. So the dairy had celebrated its first birthday long before it got to my plate. After Googling "sour cream food poisoning" and finding evidence of multiple soft-cheese fatalities, I freaked out and called poison control. Once on the phone with poison control I found it hard not to laugh. For some reason it was suddenly totally hilarious but I didn’t want the very serious woman on the other end of the line to think it was a hoax and hang up on me leaving me to die of some rare borsht-topping disease. She told me about staying hydrated after the poisoning set in. Told me to go to the emergency room if I was throwing up and having diarrhea for longer than 24 hours. I steadied myself for a fun-filled night but amazingly, my iron constitution remained unscathed. There's more to the story, but if I reveal the dinner hostess who almost poisoned us both on this blog, she'll kill me for real.


WEDNESDAY: I had a rare night in, alone and wonderfully all to myself. I did the only thing sexier than lighting candles, taking a bath and changing into a peek-a-boo teddy... I watched a Vaudeville/Radio/TV doc on PBS, popped frozen soy wheat pizza munchies and drank Bokbunjajoo (very alcoholic Korean raspberry wine) on the rocks. SEHX-HHHHHHAY!


THURSDAY: All I’ll say is that when you audition for something at a big agency, don’t accidentally swoop up their sides, stick them in your folder and walk out the door with them. Because when you find that you did it, you’ll feel like a total redheaded asshat.


Now, if you made it this far, here's a very special bonus link for you... Get ready for the motherload of dogs-and-cats-wearing-caps pictures. Are you ready for the cuteness? Can you handle the cuteness? Dear Thor I hope so.

Here's three pics to test your constitution:


Have you been overcome by the adorability? If you don't feel woozy from going "awww" try this:


And this:

Warning: This picture has been known to cause cute-induced seizures

OK, that was only the tip of the dog in caps-burg. See if you can handle the Classy Caps Gallery

PS For some reason the Classy Caps Gallery reminded me of my friend Eric Drysdale.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Greg Gutfeld's secret blog on Huffpo

...is really very funny.

Here's an excerpt:
It's weird - i think that these people on the HUFFPO have now lived in their own agreeable snowglobe for so long, that making fun of a woman's dress = hilarity. At the Huffpo, they've got some form of Tourrette's syndrome, where they are unable to control their spontaneous outbursts of stupid Cheney Bush bumpersticker jokes. it's like a whole group of idiots crashing open mike night at a crap comedy club. Anyway, i am wearing a very silly hat right now. it gets me in the mood to post!

To read GREG'S DOUBLE SECRET HIDDEN BLOG!!! just go here, and then click on his bio.
Welcome to the Internet, desperate corporate stab at a demo!

Sometimes I wish I hailed from a country that drowned female babies at birth, because at least then, as a woman, I'd have no illusions about where my place was in the world, that is, if I ever made it into the world.

Office Pirates is a new Time, Inc. site. It's a comedy site hoping to lure bored office workers, but the content (and the recent Post article) makes it clear it's trying to lure boys, right down to the skull-wearing-a-tie logo. And no, I don't think that's a graphic representation of a dead Annie Hall.

sexy office pirate lady
Susie, ready to fire off a rant about sexism in comedy

Why? Do women not want funny, edgy sites to share with their mateys? Do we not toil in offices all day long to earn a few doubloons? Do we not then bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and serve it in a hot rum reduction sauce?

Listen Office Pirates, I'm pissed at you for making your new comedy site have everything but a badly-painted "No Girls Allowed" sign on your new web playhouse.

Sexist bears suck

And I'd tell you to get bent, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you're probably giving jobs to some funny boys I know and like and giving jobs to funny people is good. And I work in the biz and know you only got your little project off the ground because you had to dangle the carrot to advertisers that you'd reach the only people who matter to them: young men.

Am I angry? You bet your ass I am. It's not because I think the comedy is sexist --'cause I like sexist comedy, if it's funny, that is.

It's your faulty pandering/sexist business model that makes my labia itch. I wish the business world woke up to the fact that casting your net in this old-fashioned way just looks like stupid Boomer marketing crap. You're trying to reach young men but doing it in such a forced manner gives your site that old guy smell. Don't you want as many hits as possible? Because without the lad angle it could be a huge hit.

In conclusion, I'm down with OPP. But I'm not down with OP.

But the best part? They don't care. Obviously, I just don't get it.
How could I? I'm a chick.

Note: After four years of blogging, this is my first-ever rant. I won't make a habit of it, promise.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Felber's late-breaking thoughts on Brokeback Mountain

Finally saw Brokeback Mountain last night. There's very little dialogue, and when they do speak, all their jaws are locked in a Western death grip and you can't understand a word of it. I missed many key plot points, like why they were sent to the mountain and what they were supposed to be doing there.

Here are my thoughts while watching:

"When are they going to go gay? Now? Now? Now? How about now? OK NOW is a perfect time to go gay. No? Would y’all go gay already? Oi, the suspense is killing me!"

"Gee the theme music is catchy. Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow."

"Cowboys, but no cows? They don't write any good parts for women in Hollywood, especially larger ones."

"Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow."

"Women who make the first move are doomed to end up with a gay man."

"Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow."

"Gay men don’t age, they just get slightly dryer skin, bad haircuts and mustaches."

"Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow."

"So. Slow. Need more gay sex… to stay… awake. Where’s the gay sezzzz Zzz Zzz…"

"Zzz Zzz Zzzz. Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow. Oh, look, it’s an actress with REAL BOOBS. Now THAT is shocking. If they aren't real, then her boobs deserve an Oscar, cause they acted real, right down to not pointing north at all times."

"Being gay is OK. But being gay outdoors is awesome."

"So bored. I wish I could quit this movie. Bow, bow, ba Bow Bow. "

"In the old days people kept their sexuality in the closet. No like, literally, in the closet."

Monday, February 20, 2006

MySpace, MyWay

Do you like all the world's teenagers? Half-naked women of which half are porn stars and half are teenagers? A buggy, garish, ad-filled website that often looks like 1995 threw up on it? If you answered yes, then you'll love MySpace! But don't answer yet, as a member, you'll also get countless bands and even a few real people you've never heard of wanting to be your friend!

For example, here's my recent MySpace friend requests. As is often the case, the MySpace "Server is too busy" so I can't actually see these people's profiles, so I must rely on my batsense to figure out who they are.

The World wants to be your friend!
Feb 19, 2006 2:46 PM

Wow, the World wants to be my friend! Oh wait, is that a band? Not sure. It's such a crappy graphic something tells me it might be a comedy show. Better wait and see.

Keaton Simons wants to be your friend!
Feb 17, 2006 12:21 PM

Who? Oh, his profile pic is obviously an album cover. Verdict, musician.

Champagne wants to be your friend!
Feb 17, 2006 6:42 AM

Oh, finally, someone I know. Well, not really a someone, but these are two lovely comedians I know, and I'm guessing they are running a new show. Awright, that's cool! PS Is anyone better in the outstretched arm take-your-own-glamour-shot genre than comedians? No, no one is.

Greg Connors wants to be your friend!
Feb 16, 2006 5:11 PM

From your picture you look like an ultra moody Hugh Laurie what with your face against chain link. I'm going to take a wild guess: you're an emo/folk rock musician? How did you find me? Is there a computer monitor on the other side of that fence?

i'm not claudia wants to be your friend!
Feb 15, 2006 12:51 PM

Claudia! Yes, an actual person, who is not a band, who is a comedian, and who is a actual friend of mine! Score!

Crazy wants to be your friend!
Feb 17, 2006

Crazy... can't remember having the pleasure of meeting a Crazy. Ah, it's crappy pic of a dude with a guitar. Lemme take a wild guess -- musican? OK, I've got to try again and check this profile. OK, it's working... Yes, he's a 44-year-old dude named crazy John, who counts Pamela Anderson and Howard Stern as his closest friends. Wow, he has over 560 "friends" most of whom are mostly nakedy women. He is a dad, he works for the state government and he's a member of Playboy model Mandy Lynn's fanclub. OH and he's a published author! Well, a self-published author. Go to Amazon and you too can download one of the "books" he co-authored, "Releasing Stress, Through The Positive Teachings Of Christ And Christianity." Note to self: Forget the content of the book, his use of the comma after the word "Stress" is the the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

In conclusion, MySpace creeps me out. I normally like shameless promo, but unlike my other comedy superfriends, I am not driven enough to be connected in any way with the likes of Middleaged guys who have never heard of me who write Christian screeds, play guitar in acid-washed jean jackets and collect fake-boobed women like virtual trading cards.

Most everyone who is my friend on MySpace, is my friend in real life. If they aren't it's either because someone who had less then 100 friends asked to be my friend, I met them and we hit it off or I am waiting a few weeks before deleting them in a stealthy manner. Most performers say yes to everyone. I've decided to have standards. Call me hard to get. Call me bad at self-promotion. Call me old. Mainly, call me paranoid, as I'm convinced that if I say yes to everyone, odds are that one of these people will murder someone. Then I will be "friends" with a murderer. And then I will be scared they will come and hack me up when they get out of prison, as they systematically work their way through their "friends" list. "The MySpace Murders" has too catchy a ring to it to not become reality. Of course for a long time no one will know that the the murders are connected. A bunch of strippers get knocked off, some manga fans, some middleaged pervs, teens from rat's ass nowhere... BUT NOT SMART OLD SUSIE FELBER! They called her paranoid, and now they are fertillizing crocuses. Ha! Ha I say to the imaginary people who challenge my hatred of MySpace!

So if you know me, or you've ever seen me perform or if you aren't just a creepy desperate musician who wants to use me as a promo receptacle, go ahead and join the elite online halls of nerdom: try and become my MySpace friend. You'll be glad you did. http://www.myspace.com/susiefelber.

UPDATE: 6/2006
I left MySpace.
MyReasons here.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

What you should do tonight.

Here's me hawking a comedy show that has no trace of me. Yeah, I'm a saint. But seriously, this show's a winner. What I can't figure out though is why it aint being promo'd by the comic himself.

"Liam Does A Half-Hour"
at Mo Pitkins
34 Ave. A, off of E. 3rd St.
Take the F train to 2nd Ave.
7:00pm - $5.00

Liam McEneaney headlines this show, doing a half-hour. His friends The Domestics will be the house band, and his opening acts include Baron Vaughn (who will be heading to the Aspen Comedy Festival) and warm-up by national (and internaltional when you count his recent gigs in Afghanistan) headliner Rob Paravonian from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend."
Liam's blog

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Renee Ritter

These are some of her paintings.
garden of earthly pleasures

Beautiful, no?
garden of the redmoon


I've known Renee a long time. Since I was in utero, in fact. And it's thanks to Renee's kindness that I'm in Utah now, staying in her fab octagonal ski house that's two stone's throws from the Park City lifts. Renee is an artist, a college professor on Long Island, and a friend of the family since mom was preggers with Adam, and Renee was preggers with Jen. Incidentially, Jen is getting married in less than two weeks. Jen's one of those do-gooder lawyers that us Jews are so good at producing. You know, one of those crazy "everyone is entitled to a fair trial" nut jobs. But seriously folks, Jen made me think; maybe a sister would've been cool. The Ritter family has always been a part of my family. And as I have have no memories of grandparents (thanks to the mega evils of illness, a drunk driver and Hitler), and having had no aunts, uncles or cousins nearby, family-that's-not-family has always been more important to me than my family knows.
twilight garden large
Twilight Garden

I'm a very lucky woman. I can't thank Renee enough. And the moral of the story is...

Make sure you make friends with good people now, so that your future spawn may benefit.

All images by Renee Ritter and stolen from www.reneeritter.com.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Win a big bunch of crazy!

Enter the Left Behind Sweepstakes.

Hurry, because you only have until March 1st (or the End of Times, whichever comes first) to enter!

Monday, February 06, 2006

Woman vs. Bus
First in a possible series of matches between Me (the Woman) and the M42 (the Manhattan crosstown bus).

Usually when you take a bus in Manhattan you start inwardly cursing the bus for its slowitude and you get bloody minded and think, "It would probably be faster to walk." But you really don't believe it, because if you did, you'd never have gotten on the bus in the first place. The bus stops a lot, but it has to be faster than walking, right? We shall see...

This morning's match: 8th Avenue to 3rd Avenue. Me Vs. M42 #9664, which had pulled up to the stop at Port Authority as I set off.

Woman walking WINS over bus by a 1/4 of a block.

NOTE: Manhattan buses that run along routes already serviced by subways are for the infirm and the unemployed only and any delays incurred are your own fault for being stupid enough to get on a bus.

UPDATE: Here are the latest Woman vs. Bus stats... As of 2/10, I am 5 for 6, in beating the crosstown bus. My walking to beat the bus matches took place in the day and in the evening. And did I mention the woman (me) taking on the bus was walking in heels? Nope, but I was.

I am currently in Park City, Utah skiing and panning for leftover Sundance fest swag bags. The excitement of Woman vs. Bus will resume 2/21.
Aahh vs. Cute

This morning, my b3ta digest directed me to a site called thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com, which to my experienced-in-trivial-web-matters eye seemed like an an obvious cuteoverload.com rip off.

Only, it seems thingsthatmakeyougoaahh has been around since January 2004, while cuteoverload set up shop in September 2005.

Cuteoverload is currently nominated for 4 Bloggies (big whoop, I know) and is ranked a top 100 blog by technorati. But as thingsthatmakeyougoaahh links to cuteoverload as a "cute site they like", I doubt I can incite a blogger war. Pity, that. I was hoping to see them meet at dawn, Hello Kitty lunch boxes drawn.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I dined last night at The National Arts Club on Gramercy Park South. It's very beautiful and exceedingly quiet. Think The Friars Club on Quaaludes or The Society of Illustrators but with rich people instead of real artists or Soho House with history, good taste and far fewer Brits.

Oh how I love being invited to private clubs! I can judge, marvel and not pay dues! I've interloped on all of the above -- The Friars and Society of Ill being my faves -- so what am I missing? Let me know. I'm on a mission to get sauced at, er, I mean visit, all private clubs in New York.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I just received an invitation -- in the mail -- to a Gold Medal Award Dinner honoring Jeff Zucker, CEO of NBC Universal Television Group from the International Radio and Televison Society! I am a paying member if IRTS, as it's called, and have been for many months. I adore NBC! How lovely it will be to meet, network and dine with my distinguished colleagues and peers at the Waldorf Astoria!

Oh whatever shall I wear?!?! I must comb the racks of Salvation Armani and Bergdof Goodwill!

OK, don't panic Felber, for you have almost a month to pick out the perfect frock for this grand fete! Oh but I'd best let them know I'm coming, lest they'll think I'm rude for not responding to their gracious invite!

Let's see. I'll just use the enclosed RSVP card and envelope... ah, it's on the web as well, how convenient...

Thursday, March 9, 2006 ~ The Waldorf Astoria, Grand Ballroom ~ Black Tie Preferred
6:30 PM Reception ~ 7:30 PM Program and Dinner

Please reserve the following:

______ GOLD SPONSOR at $100,000 which includes premier seating for 30, 4-color congratulatory page on inside front cover of the Dinner Journal*, plus signage and acknowledgement at the Dinner

______ SILVER SPONSOR at $50,000 which includes premier seating for 10, 4-color congratulatory two-page spread in the Dinner Journal*, plus signage and acknowledgement at the Dinner

______ PREMIER TABLE at $25,000 which includes premier seating for 10 and a 4-color congratulatory page in the Dinner Journal*

______ PATRON TABLE at $17,500 which includes prime seating for 10 and a black and white congratulatory page in the Dinner Journal*

______ SPONSOR TABLE at $12,500 which includes seating for 10

______ INDIVIDUAL TICKETS at $1,250 each

______ 4-COLOR JOURNAL PAGE at $7,500*

______ BLACK & WHITE JOURNAL PAGE at $6,500*

______ BLACK & WHITE JOURNAL HALF PAGE (horizontal) at $3,500*

______ I/We cannot attend but wish to contribute $____________

What? Tickets? The cheapest one being $1,250? The cost of the dental work I've been saving up for since 1995? Where is the option that I, a paying member of this esteemed society can afford? Where is this option...

_____ I can attend and wish to but I can't afford to. I mean, I can certainly bring a bottle of wine, something French, no Thunderbird or "Yellowtail Chardonnay" or something crass like that. Can I come? Please? You see, the thing is...I spent all my disposable income on a IRTS membership, a WICT membership and many other media organization memberships and I am tapped out. I am so hungry. I...I...feel dizzy. Everything is going black. I --
Always happy to help...

I am flattered when my mom the historical romance author asks for my help naming her latest book. Thing is when she's really stuck for a title she canvasses a select group of family, friends, other writers who are friends, her dry cleaner, postman and all Wal-Mart greeters within a 50 mile radius.

In any case, she needed a title for one she just finished and according to my Gmail, she started asking us all for title suggestions on this one in November.

In her words, this is what the book is about: The hero is a prig, his father was a highwayman, and his greatgrandfather a pirate. The hero looks like them, and the heroine is halfway in love with him because of that...

On December 1st, the best title they had was "Shady Lady" (yikes!) and I suggested these:

A Pirate's Heart

To Love a Proper Pirate

Gentleman Pirate

Pirate's Promise

Pirate Heart

Pirate Past

A Pirate's Past

Son of a Pirate Man

Dude, Where's My Parrot?

You're a Prig, But I Love You Anyway

Flash ahead to yesterday. Still no title. Her editor had some good ones, but they were still searching. When asked, I provided these... if there are repeats, it's because I have a day job and two damn months had past. Cut me some slack:

Pirate's Heart

Pirate's Pride

Pirate's Past

Treasured Love

Doubloons in my Pants

Parrot in my Past

The best part? I just found out Mom sent all my suggestions along to her editor. Yeah, including the 'tarded ones. Because she knows her editor is cool like that.

Anyway, they decided on a final title yesterday. The book will be called:

For the Love of a Pirate

I really like that one. I think it was her editors suggestion. My only regret? I didn't think of the perfect title until it was too late:

Brokeback Parrot

Sexy, no? Yes! Admit it, saying Brokeback Parrot is fun.