Wednesday, September 24, 2003

When Nerds Attack

Look out, she's pissed at having to look at her more ample sistahs.

Her homepage says "Also, this month is all about toned, not fleshy. "

Fashion police giving out tickets isn't new, it's a game we played in the playground. But this isn't about the clothes so much as the extra pound of flesh. This woman oft mentions there is a dearth of women on the techie panels and events she works. Maybe it's because they don't like her.


OK I'll admit, she hurt me and my kind and like a wounded animal I scratch back. I live in her nabe. I own a pair or two of those jeans and wear them to death potting around our hood. I am not a model or a child. I jog down the West Side Highway too, but only so that I can fit through the door. I plead that those were the only jeans on offer at Marshall's.

Yes Marshall's... in Middletown, NY no less. My secret shame. Even my beloved Salvation Armani would have more street cred. And cheap. I'm not rich and totally cheap when it comes to clothes. Anything I wear that doesn't have holes or someone else's vintage B.O. ingrained in it my mother has bought me. I live in the wrong neighborhood, I know.

So how is it that I've been one of the Fashion Police? Well, I poke fun at celebrities and try to never be mean. Celebrities who are dressed for an event, who also have enough money to do better. And well, I suppose my only defense is that I don't make fun of the clothes or the people so much as make the clothing choice seem funny.

Or maybe it's just that Karma has come back to bite me in the bootylicious ass.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Retarded Inbred Squirrels
If I Had Time I'd Write You a Shorter Post

Today I spied my first ever black squirrel on W4th street between Charles and Perry. The tail wasn't very bushy and it was less skittish about being chased by Stan. In fact it was pretty slow getting away and up a tree. Stan tried to climb the tree and made desperate bird like noises at it but only got as far as putting his paws on the cast iron foot tall gate surrounding the tree. The construction workers who are perpetually working on the restaurant formerly known as Anton's laughed at him.

I saw another or the same black squirrel on Charles street on our second walk. This time the black squirrel was just as slow getting up a tree but carrying a whole peanut. Stan just as psyched. I wondered where the squirrel got the peanut. Stan and I were gaping at the squirrel for a good long while, probably because I'm spaced out on cold medicine and he's a dog who loves to hate squirrels. I enjoyed watching Stan watch the squirrel go to the top of the tree because this one didn't blend in with the bark. It was roundabout then that I noticed two happy and well dressed black women with a baby in a carriage were walking down Charles and laughing at us.

I volunteered, "He likes squirrels." They looked at me with one part interest, 3 parts pity. I felt I needed to justify myself more and I said, "Have you ever seen a black squirrel?" They looked at the squirrel and then I worried they thought I was making a racist comment so feeling the need to explain myself more I added, "They are so beautiful, but I've never seen a black squirrel, have you?"

At this point the women think I'm borderline insane. One finally says, "No, I haven't actually" and they politely ran away scooting down the block as fast at those stroller wheels would take them.

I sniffled my way back home and to the bat computer, where I was sure there was a wealth of black squirrel information, or at the very least, other dolts like me declaring they'd seen a black squirrel.

After learning that if you google "black squirrel new york" the first entry you get is a listing for gay bars, I got my answer.

Check this out:

Squirrels are evolving in New York City.

At Riverside Park on the West Side of Manhattan there are cinnamon colored squirrels. At Grammarcy Park and several other parks around the city you'll find black and dark brown squirrels. But these aren't new species but rather variants of the eastern gray squirrel.

According to Robert S. Voss, curator of mammalogy at the American Museum of Natural History, cinnamon and black coloration genes exist in the eastern gray squirrel population, in fact, in all squirrel populations. Through in-breeding, these recessive traits have come out. City parks form islands, because the streets, sidewalks and buildings of New York are too inhospitable to the squirrels to permit them to mix with squirrels elsewhere in the city. Plus, the urban environment has eliminated almost all squirrel predators. Cinnamon and black colored squirrels are usually at a disadvantage because they stand out against gray tree trunks and so are easier targets for predators. But with the predators eliminated the variant colored squirrels are able to survive.

The above taken from Darwin chat.

And then there's a cheap web page filled with crackpot theories that looks like it has been abandoned in cyber space called the Squirrels in Black. I found this page oddly comforting.

And the moral is: no moral, just another page for my fellow New Yorkers to find should they ever doubt their sanity upon encountering a black squirrel while hopped up on cold medicine.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Play it Again, Sus

Thanks to my involvement in "Wonkopera", a Willy Wonka Rock Opera
it turns out Johnny Depp is now interested in taking on the role of Willy Wonka.

Yeah, we're that good.

Wonkopera runs just two more nights. Catch it Tonight* and next Monday the 28th at Chetty Red, 23rd St. betwixt Park and Madison. The show is round about 8PM and is just 5 bucks with no drink minimum. Speaking of drinky drinks, if you're cheap, an alcoholic or both -- know that they there are 2 for 1 until 8PM. Yowsie!

Written by Dave Juskow, arranged by Mark Humble. Every Monday in September at Chetty Red, performed by the Crusaders of Science: Dave Juskow (vocals), Mark Humble (bass, Vocals), Tony Fortuna (Drums), and Karl Wenninger (guitar). Featuring Susie Felber as Veruca Salt and Jeanett Mienert as Boatswain's Mate and sassy Oompa Loompa.

*Tonight will mark our 3rd performance, but my first being sick as a pooch. I've had my annual cold since Wednesday night and I'm finally able to get out of bed and talk. I'm coughing up technicolor stuff and I blame this all on my recent healthy eating, no smoking, jogging plan I've been on. A woman in my building said I'm "detoxing." If this same woman didn't pay to be given cure all hickeys, I might just believe her.

Friday, September 19, 2003

CNN Hyperblowe

Yesterday during Hurricane Isabel CNN reporter Kathleen Koch was seen in a yellow slicker, oft hanging onto a planter . I also remember her interviewing a couple on the beach. She was all fired up and very disappointed that the couple seemed really calm and happy watching the storm roll in. She enjoyed telling them the danger they were in. She told them to take shelter, most likely because they ruined the hysterical tone she was trying to set.

A few minutes ago she was interviewed as part of the CNN hurricane circle jerk. She told of her young daughter being scared for her while watching mommy being batted around in the wind on TV. So she explained to her daughter that her reporting on the hurricane was exactly like the 9-11 firefighters, running into a burning building because they had a job to do.

Oh no she di'n't!

Oh yes, she did.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

The Bottom Line

I myself never found crotchless panties sexy.

Now you won't either.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Untitled #47

On W4th street today I spied a white Subaru Outback wagon with a plate that read:



Now if anyone thought my post yesterday was a bit too superficial for the date I suppose it's because September 10 was much more emotional for me than 9/11. For that morning while walking Stan I saw a pretty business woman about my age get run over by a motorcycle. Actually she didn't get run over, she got hit and flew in the air before landing on 7th avenue. She had my ethnic hair but in beautiful glossy black. One not glossy low heeled black pump was in the middle of 7th avenue, one almost on her foot. She had a black calf length skirt on and was wearing grey stockings. Actually if she wasn't on her way to work she could've been on her way to a funeral. The almost blonde woman next to me clutched her child's stroller harder and burst out crying telling no one in particular, "I saw the whole thing! She went flying!" This woman was only a tad less helpful than the man who showed up a few seconds later telling 911, "a woman just fell off her motorcycle." Feeling helpless and not wanting to be one of 100 people calling 911 I ran the block to St. Vincents hospital hating myself for feeling self-conscious about my midriff possibly poking out. I told a doctor outside what had happened. He looked very bored and a bit peeved at me for alerting him to an accident within eyeshot. He said, "Don't worry, I'm sure they'll get her." The fire department did show up a few minutes later. Yes the fire department. I never saw her face, she was wearing a veil of blood. I wish I knew how to find this woman. I want to give her cookies and bath salts and let her tell me for the 1000th time how traumatic it was. I want to do anything and everything for her to plug the hole that is my own gaping uselessness.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Listen Cats, Dogs Should be Allowed at Former Woodstock Site
by Susie

An open letter to the people who now run the Woodstock music festival site which is now known as Bethel Woods:

It was a total bummer man, to go all the way to your beautiful fall harvest festival in the middle of a field only to discover no dogs were allowed. I know the original Woodstock founders have nothing to do with the new owners but I implore y'all to reconsider this totally uncool to canines policy. At the original Woodstock there were lots of dogs and no one got bitten as far as I know. If you are really nervous about liability, maybe you should put up a sign that says, "No Uncool Biting Dogs Allowed."

I also noticed there is now a distinct lack of young nubile naked people and I think you should reconsider that as well. In my experience people like to see young nubile naked people. Just saying.

Thanks in advance for immediately revising your lame no pooch policy because of this letter.

Susie and her dog Stan

For those of you that subscribe, yes, I wrote almost this very thing for the Spotlight newsletter this week.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Really High Society

I'm off to the Society of Illustrators tonight dahhhhhlings.

Me? I have no visual talent other than being able to see where to snag a drink from their open bar. But I do have a good friend with a piece in the show and I adore the Soc of Ill, as all the kids call it. It's like the Friars Club for artists. It's beautiful and a somewhat hidden NYC treasure. And... oh my stars and garters! I must shower and buff and bathe myself in hot oils!


PS For a limited time only, enjoy (or not) the tacky photo/music montage of Stan by scrolling down to the bottom of the page and turning up the music.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Summer Lovin'

Here's to an emerging tradition: The post Labor day break up blog.

Then again, if you like foreshadowing, you can still can find many good summer love logs. Actually I admit I want to adopt the kid whose blog that is.

I myself am fascinated by the blogs of teens who've been recently programmed at a church camp. Because church camp rocks. Especially when you're a guy getting lots of attention from teenage girls in search of HIM. Nah, I like all religious blogs. Especially this woman who realized she was a sinner when she was 8 years old.

The church camp down the road from our Catskill digs just ended. This is good because when not in worship some people from there (counselors probably) tossed their beers on the road, were loudly drunk on our road and finally they threw eggs at cars parked on our road. Point is, they should've invited us along.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Truly, Madly, Directly

I got my 50 bucks worth of free grub from Fresh Direct today and I'm as giddy as a teenage girl.

If they go out of business I will feel really guilty (she said between bites of free pate and French triple creme).

The stuff came wrapped beautifully and in boxes to boot. It was just like Christmas except I got stuff I could actually use. It came smack in the middle of my 2 hour delivery window and you are told they do not accept tips, though I still felt guilty about not offering.

Speaking of giddy teenage girls, if you are disappointed in my sporadic posting and want someone in the mood to share her grand emotions, I recommend this girl.

Scratch that. If you want to know about young love, nothing beats this sweet wiccan who works at Wendy's.