Thursday, September 28, 2006

What Doesn't Suck

For your consideration, here are two things that don't suck...

1. Mariah Carey
I was listening to her this morning (on a cutting edge device called a "radio" -- it's like an iPod on Shuffle but the amazing thing is you don't have to buy, download or pick the music)! Anywho, I decided Mariah's so talented she has earned herself a "get out of crazy free" card. So go ahead Mariah, root around bald and toothless in a woodpile -- you've earned it!
Hey talented nutjob, I toast to YOU!

2. What Sucks

That's right, the brand new blog from writer/comedian Chris Deluca called "What Sucks" -- does not suck! I think his mission statement is pure poetry:

With so much around us that blows, let this blog help you keep things sorted out. Let's face it - suckiness evelopes us, gripping us in a vice-like hold like a bear trap made of shit. Every day we face an overwhelming, deluge of crap and while the torrent of bullshit is unyielding in its advance, at least here it can be called it out for what it is- a lot of shit that really sucks. Everyday we'll shine a light on something that sucks. And your comments, until you weird me out, are welcome.

So check out What Sucks now!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Remember way back when, when I told you about my illustrator friend Steve? Yeah, misty water colored memories light the corners of my mind too!

Well now Steve is doing illustration for the Fluorescent Justice sketchbook, an illustrated, animated, New York City night court blog experience! And, even better, these short original vids are available as a free video podcast from Court TV. And even better than that? I won a brand new shiny video iPod recently... from the same company that does these podcasts.
Fluorescent Justice podcast
Holla! It's Steve's art on my Pod.

And the moral of the story is...

I have an iPod! Woo! Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!

Sorry, that is not the moral. That is very immature. The moral is...

Man, it's hard to spell "Fluorescent." Smoke darn near comes out of my ears everytime I do.

No, that is not a moral, neither! The moral of the story is...

Oh please, there's no moral. Just check out the FJ night court blog and the FJ audio/video sketchbook. 10-4 good buddies.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

This Day in Sustory

September 23rd, 2001: I marry in a beautiful ceremony that tells the world, "He's mine! Back da @#*% up! I'll cut ya!"
Me entering the cocoon of wedded bliss with a vodka on the rocks.

Keen readers of history might note that this date is strikingly close to another event that happened round about then.

And those who know me well know that my entire wedding was re-planned in a week, from soup to nuts. Or, more like, from cake to nuts. Everything but the dress, and the people getting married, changed. We pulled it off, thanks to a massive effort on the part of my family and friends. It's a great story for another time. I mean, heck, it's taken me five years to even mention my wedding, let alone show you people pictures. Be patient lambs!

Although many of our guests cancelled, the one with the whitest hair there is a 90-something year old relation who drove into Manhattan with her husband. She said, "We survived Hitler, lived through the Blitz in London...this wasn't going to stop us."

wed clap
All in Fort Tryon Park agreed: this event's trauma < 9/11.

Of course last night I was on the phone with my mother who -- after relating how many people she knew seemed to be losing their grasp of dates -- asked of my marriage, "How long has it been now? Three years?"

This post has been a blatant ripoff, er, I mean hommage to Chris Regan's This Day in Mythstory.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Eric's Really Good Idea

A celebration of design innovation. Hot off the video presses TODAY. Third in a rocking series. By Bob Shea with all voices by Ed Holland.

NOTE: Yeah, I posted this already by using the code because when I blogged it from YouTube it didn't show up... well as you can see it did, but two days late. Is this bug usual?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Hot off the video presses!

Watch A celebration of design innovation by Bob Shea.
With all voices by my Ed.

OMG! Bloody Brilliant! Share 'n spread!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Cops Pay This Guy to Act Up
By Susie Felber

Playing rapists, victims and witnesses, LA-based actor James Elliott makes a living out of helping police hone their interrogation and sleuthing skills.

Read my hot off the virt-presses interview with James right here!

Behind the story, story: So recently a great friend of mine tells me about the man she's dating, who is, in her opinion, really wonderful. She didn't want to tell me when the relationship was new because she knows my well-known (and well-performed) bias against hooking up with actors. She's never gushed about a guy to me like this one. Of course, as soon as she tells me one of his jobs is acting for the LAPD, my interest in her happy love life suddenly went out da flipping window as I pump her for details on how I can interview him. "You've finally met a man who adores and respects you, blah blah, whatever... so, ooooh, tell me again about the wild detective training unit thingy he works for?" Yeah, I'm a great friend.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Battle of the Network Affiliate Pooch Stars
A don’t-miss blog post that includes the premiere of...
Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!

From Comedy Central’s Insider comes this important news item about Stormy, the Rockin' Weather Dog!
Stormy from CBS 19, "The East Eye of Texas"

"During the 5pm newscast . . . If the weather dog is wearing a sweater viewers will know they are in store for a cool weather forecast. If Stormy is dressed in a parka, those tuning in will know it is time to bundle up . . . At 6 and 10pm, Stormy will emerge from his doghouse to push a button to activate his evening 'Dog Walking Forecast'. This will inform viewers graphically what the weather will be like as they take an evening stroll with their own pampered pet. "

Thanks to Comedy Central for the link… I love Stormy, even though he has the miserable look of an extra in a Triumph sketch. But wait! Comedy Central neglects to mention that Stormy is a blatant, albeit cuter, rip off of another Texas Weather dog – Radar!radarfat
Radar knows the camera adds ten pounds… the fur, 20.

It seems Radar came about in 2004.

Radar has a bio, multiple videos, and a slow-loading 122 picture photo gallery (!) that includes pictures of his pimped out pet bed…
Don't Radar's digs look a bit like the set for Paris Hilton’s next stolen video?

Here we see Radar choking news director Nancy Shafran for not copyrighting that weather dog shit...

"I'll kill you! Get me my agent!"

And so, in the spirit of new and improved rip offs, may I proudly present:

Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!

So, what's the weather gonna be today, boy?

Stan Weather dog 1
Here Stan shows us that today will be rainy and slightly gay with a chance of rats and fashion week.

Good dog!!!!!

Tune in next time for more awesome predictions from Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Arbitrary, schmarbitrary...

Check it: I am the 30th most popular comedy blog. Behold ye mortals and despair!

Although even the creator of this list cautions that technorati is fickle and sure, the methods are not scientific, I've decided to take this statistic very seriously.

Interestingly, almost half the people on this Top 40 list are my friends. Correction: were my friends. From here on out I will do whatever it takes to get to the top. I will be ruthless. I will destroy anyone who gets in my way. I will even purchase one of those roller bags the contestants on the Apprentice use.

Just watch me.

Brody might work out and have muscles, but he betcha doesn't have one of these...

Trash talk!!!!

Powers: #5 get ready to take a dive

Todd: Think you'll ever raise higher than 11? No way dude, from here on out consider your stat un-levined.

Liam: FYI #15 can't keep his underwear clean and Castiglia sold off her young to become #21...

Regan, Bastion and Vaughn: Everyone know you only got where you are today because your names end in "n".

Peace and I'm outta here...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


I found a beautiful new site because it had sent me traffic and then learned that I have stylish friends! I have no clue who they are, but still... OMG! This is so very exciting!

If you know who this "Little Splurge" is, running that there site -- don't tell me. My life sorely needs more drama and intrigue. Lately I've been running on fumes.

Thing is that when one has a job, a relationship and no alcohol, one's only thrills come from trying to figure out the mysterious logic behind online v. in-store rug sales at Pottery Barn.

Here's a good rule of thumb for Pottery Barn rugs: If rug is on sale for $200 cheaper online, it's $300 more in the store, but if it's on sale for $300 off in the store, it's $400 more expensive online, unless it's Thursday, in which case it might be $600 dollars less at either, but they can't tell you which except if it is a full moon and then you can call a Pottery Barn manager in Paramus and she will order it for you and give you any price you claim you saw online just to make the sale. Then when you actually hoof it to Paramus they will claim not to have the rug you already paid a bundle for and they look at you like you are a crazy person and just when you are about to cry and wet your leggings and they are about to call the cops the manager will suddenly "find" your rug and all will be well.

PS When the moderately attractive short guy with a headset at the Manhattan Pottery Barn on 59th comes over and asks if he can help you, he really doesn't expect you are going to take him up on this. Even if you have a burning question like, "How much is this rug?" don't ask or you will cause him to blow a circuit. He will leave you standing there as your precious childbearing years tick by and then when you are ready to beg for a IVF smoothie* he will come back with no answer and then send you to "the desk" with a flip of his hand because he really "needs to be on the floor." In short, his job is to look pretty and waft around the store with a headset, ya dig?

*"IVF smoothie" means nothing, but seemed funny at the time. The time being about one sentence ago.

Monday, September 11, 2006

What a beautiful day.

Manhattan is sunny and clear with just a pinch of fall snap and sass.

It's the first 9/11 since 9/11 that feels exactly like 9/11.

[insert favorite expletive here]

Friday, September 08, 2006

Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey

Goodbye dahlings! I'm off to the country for the weekend. If it's anything like last weekend, I will...

Snap a celebrity...
(I'm referring to Musto, not Burt Lahr stage left)

See a truly scary scarecrow...

Enjoy the last of my garden...


Pick wildflowers and make a dinner with my man that's so awesome I just have to take a picture of it so that later I can post it and make even myself jealous...
Ahhh...Brontosaurus, my favorite!

This has been a rare sincere post. I apologize for any lack of entertainment I may have caused.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Hey WWW, it's Stephen Gardner Online!

I'm always excited when a friend finally launches a home on the Web. But I'm even more excited about this good pal's new site as he's a visual artist, and, unlike most of my friends, there's no bothersome reading before your socks are knocked off. Check out these three from the just hatched

When I met Steve way back in the 1990's, it was when he was performing comedy downtown, as part of a duo called Dirty & Cheeky. He was a really talented comedian and I remember asking him what he did -- which in comedian speak at the time meant 1. Moan about the crappy day job you have until you "make it" or 2. Launch into describing the other thing you do that is very exciting (Read: doesn't pay) that will certainly help you "make it." He modestly said he was an artist and didn't elaborate. So naturally, I took that to mean he 1. had a trust fund and 2. lit bags of his excrement on stage. Ya know, like the other "artists" I knew.

gardner illustration 2

And so, when I finally saw what he did... book covers, movies posters, baseball cards and all sorts of mind-blowing professional illustrations, I was dumbfounded. Turned out that unlike the rest of us desperate performers, comedy was just a lark for him, something he did for fun as he happened to have a lot of friends in comedy.

gardner illustration

In short, Stephen is a funny funny guy, a fantastic person and he has a genuine passion for what he does. And to top it off he ever so kindly met and married someone I adore and quickly poached as a close friend. But when I look at his work, I still can't believe I know someone who has this amazing talent.

Check out more of his sock-knocking work at right now.

Here is my homie Stevie G. makin' art 'n stuff.

One last thought: It's not like Steve's not working -- he IS (he does jewelry design, illustration his agent calls with and, heck, I just helped him get a little gig with the network I work at), but if you have a wad of spare cash that you don't know what to do with, you should totally hire him to do a portrait. I think that's a very cool indulgence that the well-off should partake in more these days. You get a beautiful lasting portrait of someone you love (maybe yourself, whatever...) and an artist gets payola for doing, um, art. Win/win IMHO.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Me, LIVE, Tonight!

Hey you people who have the hots for a craggy/crazy fictional doc... TIVO that House and then come on down to see me at Mo's House.

Tonight! Tuesday, September 5

Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A New York City, 10009 (212) 777-5660

Wik: Comedian Andy Vastola

Comedian and Writer Susie Felber

Palestinian-Israeli Improv Duo West Prank

Ron Collins. The scholar-in-residence at the First Amendment Center in Arlington, VA, is the lawyer who secured the successful pardon of Lenny Bruce in 2004. Collins’ book, The Trials of Lenny Bruce, examines Bruce’s life and battles onstage and in the courtroom. ALL THIS FOR ONLY 5 BUCKS AND ONE MEASLEY DRINK!

For the offical Warp & Woof site click here.