Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Insert clever title here

After a month long blog sabbatical, I'm back chickadees.

There's too much to tell. But here's a shortlist of the most exciting developments in my life.

Pros: Walk over snow! Light as a feather! Great Exercise!
Cons: Baffling Bindings! Fingers got stuck to iced aluminum! I resemble a redheaded Yeti!

Living life to the fullest!
Pros: Joy! Productivity! Fuzzy thoughts!
Cons: Eating too much! Working too much! Pushing away thoughts of death gets darn tiring!

Pros: An old friend created this groovy company called belabumbum and it's taking off! Soon, I will be writing fun stuff for them! FREE lingerie for me!
Cons: Free lingerie? How could there possibly be anything bad about that? That's right, there's nothing bad about that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go snowshoe until my bumbum is bela.

Monday, November 29, 2004


I saw that someone came to my site searching for Susan Felber. This surprised me. Oh sure, people often come to my site looking for lusty hot & shaved take-out containers and pictures of box turtles in vintage panties doing the nasty with gummy bears. That kind of same old, same old stuff doesn't phase me.

But "Susan Felber" -- now that shocks me.

Although it is my real name, printed plainly on my birth certificate (You'll hafta take my word for it because I haven't seen the birth cert thingy in over a decade...)it was only lightly used when I wanted to be taken seriously as an intellectual (ages 7-10). For "Susan" is a very serious name, capable of very serious stuff.

"Susan" is someone who would do your taxes, singlehandedly plan a successful bake sale aiding legless Landseer's or drown your extra children in a lake.

In fact, if you Google "Susan Felber" right now, the first thing that comes up is a Dr. Susan Felber. This completely confirms my suspicions and fans my guilt: there is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't turned to "Susie" I would now be an M.D.

Then again, the upside is that you don't need insurance to see me.

So without further a-dew...

Tomorrow night I'm doing my 2nd appearance at a little show in a cool lounge.

Tomorrow, Tuesday Nov. 30th
Jab @ Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st, above Punch Restaurant.
Doors Open at 6.
No Cover
Comedy at 7:30.
This week's lineup: Mark Sam Rosenthal, Susie Felber, Sherry Davey, Kelli Dunham, and Rachel Feinstein. Hosted by Katie McCabe At 9, DJ David Handsome spins New Wave/Eclectic Pop/Electro Drink and Appetizer specials run all night. Includes $5 Apple Martinis and $7 Sesame Fried Calimari

This joint features buttery lighting, decor like 2001: A Space Odyssey's rumpus room and tempura stringbeans with garlicky dipping stuff that will make your nipples explode with delight.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Normal Like Me

[Note: I wrote this NY Times Lives parody about a year ago. I showed it to two people. I figured one day I'd truly clean it up and maybe submit it. I never did. I am very lazy. But after trudging to work this morning and finding Gawker pointing me to this lovely Media Bistro article by James Rarus who also shares my obsession with the Lives column, I decided to take my dusty, messy "Lives" column piece out of my computer and post it here, on my blog that nobody reads. All of the Lives articles cited in the following piece are 100% real.]

Normal Like Me

You would think having a life without tragedy,
discrimination or addiction would be a good thing, but
it almost destroyed my brother.

By Susie Felber

My brother and I grew up in Indiana playing stick ball
in sun-dappled wheat fields. Our family wasn't rich,
but we never wanted for anything. Our father kept
food on the table; our mother lovingly prepared it. I
picture her rosy-cheeked and smiling as she canned
peaches. At night our father would read to us in
front of a roaring fire.

At school my brother and I were popular enough. We
were both solid B students. Thanks to our country
upbringing, our health has always been pretty good.
In 1985 I had a plantar wart; in 1993 my brother had a
cavity filled. We finished college, moved to
Philadelphia and secured good jobs. Our lives passed
without incident. But for my brother, his happy
existence became a rather big problem.

In 1997, my brother first read the Lives column in
The Sunday New York Times magazine.

Lives is famous for its first-person stories -
heart-rending and inspiring tales of addiction, of
racism, of orphans, of war-torn peoples and a thousand
other handicaps and diseases. And it was this one page
that sowed in my brother the seed of what was to
become a dangerous obsession: he longed to be the
subject of the Lives column.

He tried desperately to find the angle that would help
him realize his dream. Each Sunday he would call me
breathless with the details of the latest column.
"Susie! Did you read "Silent Bond" in today's
magazine? It's about the deep though unspoken bond
the author will always have with his younger sister
whose transplanted stem cells cured him of PNH, a rare
disease! It's so inspiring!! Hey, if I can somehow
develop PNH, will you promise to donate some stem
cells and have a bond with me? Call me! Please!"

Sometimes he'd email me. "Sue, did you see the column
"Black Like Her?" It's about how the author learns to
be black and successful and yet worries if she'll ever
figure out how to be successful and black. It's even
better than the one they did called "Black Unlike Me",
about a white woman who adopts a black kid. It's not
as good as "Getting Under My Skin", about the kid who
had a black father and white mother. Nor is it as
touching as "Primary Colors", about the black woman
with a white husband who has mixed feelings about
their child. Point is, are you absolutely sure no one
in our family is black? Dad certainly seems to tan easily
without burning. Call me!"

In January 1999 my brother went from just thinking and
dreaming to acting his fantasy out. He had read a
column titled "Electroboy" about someone having
electroconvulsive therapy to treat his manic
depression. The call came just as it did every

"Hey Sue! Great news! I'm having electroshock therapy
tomorrow! I can't find a doctor who will diagnose me
with depression. But I'm going to plug in my toaster
and stick a fork in it. One favor, Sue? since I might
have severe burns on my hands, can you write the
column for me in the 'as told to' style?"

Saturday, September 15th, 2001 was possibly the worst
day of my brother's life. Only four days after the
horror of 9/11 - a city in mourning.

"Sue! Help me, I feel so helpless and sad!" he sobbed
into my answering machine.

It seemed 9/11 had gotten to him. I felt a brief
moment of joy. For if my brother had been snapped out
of his obsessive pursuit, maybe something good could
be found in that tragedy.

I picked up the phone. "Bro, I'm here for you. Talk
to me."

"Oh Sue! I don't see the point of going on!"

"It's OK," I said. "Everyone will heal eventually."

"No you don't understand," he said. "This week's
column had a story of a single migrant fruit picker
dad who adopts a Navajo boy with AIDS. "Awee" dies
sleeping on his chest. How can I top that? Even if I
could get, say, someone to give me an HIV positive
Eskimo kid, how can I top being a migrant fruit

I was sure he was putting me on. An article by a
migrant fruit picker who adopts an HIV positive Native
American? I told him he had to be kidding. In any
case, as it was a Saturday, how could he have gotten
the magazine?

He told me had quit his job and moved to Manhattan.
This way he could get the Times a day earlier. And
yes, the article was real.

I told him to give up his absurd desire to be the
subject of a hard-luck story. Why didn't he write a
mildly amusing Lives column instead? "Sue, they only
publish about one of those mildly amusing Lives
columns a year," he said. "And they're always by a
known mildly amusing author, such as Nora Ephron or
Calvin Trillin. If you are an unknown writer, the
only way to break in is through something tragic yet

Sadly, I saw his point.

After that my brother spiraled out of control. When
the column was full of people who had witnessed bloodshed and war,
he joined the Marines. But during the medical exam,
they discovered his ability to play the saxophone.
They put him in the USO, far from any blood.

When he read "Reckless Entanglement", about a writer's
relationship to his drug and alcohol-addicted brother,
he begged me to write an essay about his chocoholism.
Last year, when he read "Egyptian Like Me", he told
our parents they had ruined his life by not being
Egyptian. Then he read about a woman with a bulimic
father and cursed our dad for not, "effectively
controlling his weight in a way that might benefit his

He tried being gay, contracting AIDS and adopting a
kid, all to no avail. He read one column by a man shot
by fellow hunter and implored anyone he met to shoot

And then, tragically, after reading two columns about
the challenges of being blind, he gouged his own eyes

My brother finally had a real disability. And now he
seemed finally to be at peace. Not that he has achieved his dream.
But now, at least, he'll never be able to read the
New York Times Lives column ever again.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Flogging my wares

Tonight I'm hosting a little comedy show.
Jack Dempsey's
36 W 33rd Street
b/w 5th and 6th aves

Yes, it's less than 2 hours from now! All I can plead is that I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to hawk myself.

Why I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to spell check myself!

See the comment I received the other day regarding my previous post:

btw, a warewolf is a person who gets bitten at a flea market or at a mall.

A werewolf on the other hand is a person who gets bit by a werewolf.

Dang hecklers.

I'm telling you, they're everyware.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


I'm just back from the UK and I seem to have what-might-be-entertaining-to-relate-on-a-blog lag.

So why not:

Read about my friend who was recently bitten by a warewolf?

Or spend a few minutes watching me in the new & exciting trailer for the star-studded movie First Time Caller?

Or worry your neighbors by filling your backyard with birdhouses made to look like old fashioned crappers?

Have a pleasant journey!

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Wednesday night, come on down to a hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.

Here's a show I'm doing that's so good, there is no doubt that it'll be almost as entertaining as The Infinite Cate Project.

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:

Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

Wednesday, October 6th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one little coffee-type drink

Wednesday's guest comedians are some of NY's finest: Rusty Ward, Alison Castillo & Ophira Eisenberg.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Felber tonight

Better late than never, right?

I'm doing a set tonight, so see me, hear me, touch me, feel me*

When: 7:30
Where: Punch Lounge, 913 Broadway between 20th and 21st.
The lounge is above the restaurant.
The entrance is right next to the main one.
Price: No cover
Great drink specials and an awesome New Wave/Electro DJ after the show.

*Offer to touch and feel me may expire without notice.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Casting Breakdown

I currently have a full time gig and I do comedy at night. Heck I'm doing a tiny show in the West Village tonight(full plugola below).

Gone are the heady days when I ran to casting appointments for the likes of Wendy's, but even though I'm no longer auditioning for stuff, I’m still obessed with the day-old casting breakdowns I receive from a source who shall remain anonymous.

I have my own breakdown everytime I cast an eyeball on them, because I always suspected commercials only want beautiful women and hideous/hilarious men. Having the casting breakdowns in front of me is worse, because it validates my paranoia by laying out the ad industry's bias in black and white.

Many of the funny dudes you see in commercials are good friends of mine. I love that these really talented boys can support their art by making buckets of money doing very little work.

But I'm also permapissed that commercials are practically not an option for the interesting funny women I know in comedy. That's why everytime I see another “wacky dork guy embarrasses himself in front of hot chick who has no sense of humor” commercial, I start foaming at the mouth.

Now here's a special treat! Enjoy REAL highlights from 9/21’s casting breakdown. I have redacted the contact information, but everything else is completely legit.

The first is for the lead in a Citibank commercial. They are looking for... drumroll... yet another ugly-ass dude:

[MALE] Caucasian, early 30's-mid 40's, a little offbeat and quirky, yet real. Needs to be able to do natural comedy. Ultimately, would love someone with a comb-over; will take someone who is balding, but with enough hair to build a comb-over, if necessary.

OK, I could show you all the many casting opportunities for hot women and dork men, but I've already grown weary of my bitching about the rampant sexism in commercials. I'm annoying even myself.

So, on a completely different tack, some casting notices can be funny themselves. Enjoy this Vincent-Gallo-with-a make-over-is-affable-leading-man-material.

Conflicts: Jewelry
Director: Jelle Gerlings
Shoots: Oct. 5, 6, 7
Location: NY
Run: Spot, with Chicago as a major. Also runs on cable.
[LEAD HERO GUY] Contemporary, modern, handsome man with presence who looks 35. Very sure of himself yet affable. Prototypes: John Cusack, Ron Livingston, young George Clooney, Vincent Gallo if he had just left the
barber shop. There will aso be print for this role. We should see scale folks and above.
[LEAD FEMALE HERO GIRL] 28-32 looking. She is sophisticated and beautiful with character and a compelling presence. She's more than just a beautiful woman. We should see scale folks and above.
[FEMALE SALESPERSON] Sells the Helzberg Gift Box to the lead guy. Hip and good-looking with a streetwise
edge. Good hands a plus. Scale.
[BARBER] Older character guy with an interesting Avedon-esque face. Scale.
[MOTHER] A natural beauty in her fifties. Scale.
[STREET MUSICIAN] Male, any age, natural beauty, interesting, compelling face. Should play saxophone or
trumpet. Example: Carl Hancock Rux. Scale.

OR, as a parting gift, enjoy the celebrity shortlist put together for a space exploration PSA.

Non-profit PSA which will promote space exploration, space education & science education.
Director: [redacted]
Contact: Dr. [redacted], Chief Science Advisor, X-Prize Foundation
Location: Flexible - will book recording studio near talent.
Date: Between 9.21-23 (1 hour)
Rate: Payment + Extras
We have a real space launch on the 29th of Sep so our time is extremely short to record a talent voice-over for a PSA that will show at this historical event. Need only 1 hour of time to record 1 minute of narration, will work with your schedule. X-Prize Foundation can pay a nominal fee to record the talent, offers VIP invitations to talent and their representation to attend the September and/or October launches of Paul Allen’s private sub-orbital spacecraft. As an added bonus, we also offer Talent a novel experience once reserved only for Astronauts -a flight in Zero-G airplane. Where talent will experience what it is to float in outer space for about 10 minutes.

Will Accept Actor Notes: yes Roles-Descriptions: X-Prize Foundation seeks a celebrity talent to narrate a PSA that will be shown during the historical launches to win the X-PRIZE. The first launch, will take place on Sept 29, 2004. This is a real space launch, not a TV show. This event is on par with the flight of Charles Lindberg and will be seen by over a billion people world wide.
This PSA will be shown at the upcoming X-Prize sub-orbital space ship launch at Mohave on Sept 29, 2004, and then distributed to 500 -1000 media outlets which will attend this launch. Over a billion people will see the launch
(live and recorded).
The space craft was tested on June 21, 2004 with a single pilot. The next flights will take 3 people, which are required to win the X-PRIZE. These launches will mark the beginning of space flight for the general public. XPrize seeks a celebrity with the skills to meet the excitement of these historical space launches.
Example of talent we are seeking to represent this and the future X-Prize Cup event are as follows:
Angelina Jolie
Gwyneth Paltrow
Jennifer Garner
Cameron Diaz
Sharon Stone
Christine Baranski
Halle Berry
Ellen Degeneres
Julia Roberts
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Tom Hanks
Harrison Ford
Tom Cruise
Nicolas Cage
Leonardo DiCaprio
John Goodman
Mike Myers
Sean Connery
Ewan McGregor
Bruce Willis
Jude Law
Brad Pit
Colin Farrell
Anthony Hopkins
Samuel L Jackson
Matt Damon
Liam Neeson

There's "payment + extras" offered. What could those extras be? Launching Ellen so she can finally meet her ex-girlfriends family? OK, that was a stretch. I'm busy right now, give me a break on my lack of funny.

Anyway, who would *you* cast to represent space? Sharon Stone seems a natural to me...

See you tonight at Jack's?

Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

Wednesday, September 22th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.

Tonight features guest comedian action from NY's finest: Rena Zager, Chris Jurek and Paul Sullivan

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Sunday Night Live -- Get Up, Stand Up

Tomorrow night I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.

Sunday, September 19th
Get Up, Stand Up @ The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm

Here's the stellar line up, hand selected by producer Angela Bowers:

Bobby Tisdale - Cinema Classics "Invite Them Up",
Seth Herzog - PSNBC, Hamptons Comedy Festival, "Sweet" @ Slipper Room
Jordan Carlos - PSNBC, ECNY Nominee "Best Male Stand-Up 2004"
Susie Felber - US Weekly, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" sketch player
Becky Donahue - "Tough Crown w/Colin Quinn", "Eating It", PSNBC
Chelsea Peretti - VH1 Commentator, Touring Comedian

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Fight Tropical Depression

Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

Wednesday, September 8th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.

Check out 9/8’s impressive guest comedian action!

Todd Levin – writer, comedian, co-producer of HTKP. Here’s Levin in the Onion.

Matt Goldich – Comedy Central Laugh Riots semi-finalist. Here’s his blog.

Tom McCaffery – Comedy Central’s Premium Blend. His Comedy Central profile.

Susie Felber contributes to US Weekly’s Fashion Police, recently appeared on MTV2’s “Not a Good Look” and has played a whore many times on Late Night w/ Conan O’Brien. She’s also written for written and/or appeared on things big and small (but mostly small) for Comedy Central, ABC, MTV, Lifetime, Oxygen and Court TV.

Sara Polon is a stand-up comedian who also produces the always sold out Charity Comedy Jams and has done sketch with quite a few groups, including “The Brothel”.

Amber Tozer performed in front of huge throngs for the Women’s Rights March in D.C. this year, her writing has appeared in The Onion and she’s currently “punching up scripts” for TV...rumor has it she beats the crap out of them.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Republican Convention (Found) Poetry

This is an actual transcript of a conversation I overheard at around 6pm yesterday at a drug store on 3rd avenue and 41st street.

I call this poem:

What the woman behind me at Duane Reade said while talking on her cell phone.

If they want to
Blow that fuckin' shit up,

I don't care.

I'm not
coming in.

I told them,

"I am not gettin' a fuckin' asthma or a panic attack."

I'm leaving
from tomorrow.

I'm takin'
a car
right after work.

I'm not
comin' back
till September 7th.

I'm not
coming into Manhattan.

No way.

I'm going
to the Bronx.

(Spanish word, Spanish word, Spanish word)

They can fire my ass.


PS See below for info on the Red Cross Benefit I'm performing in tonight and my other upcoming shows.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Summer Reruns

It's hotter than a clam's crotch out there today. You can actually see the smell lines coming up from the pavement. Sorry but as I'm currently off sunning myself in an air-conditioned office, I can't be bothered to be clever.

Instead, here's a re-listing of jazzy upcoming shows I'm doing where I will be incredibly clever, Thor willing.

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present --

Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Check out the impressive guest comedian action!

Jen Kerwin, Becky Donahue, Eric Kirchberger

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm
Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
P: (201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!

Tix are $10 and there's a 2 drink minimum.
All door money goes to the Red Cross; all drinks go down your throat.

Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm
The Village Lantern167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)
Featured comics:Dan Cronin, Bryan Olsen, and me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to MC it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).

*A globe of the greater NY area

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Dog (Walker) Eat Dog World

A woman in my nabe recently tried to sell me on her new dog walking service.

Along with her vitals (and a hot photo of her blissfully getting smooched by a pug and a large pooch) the colorful flyer stated that she was a "13-year vegetarian."

This is a selling point?

It's true that until that moment I had never worried that a dog walker might eat my dog.

But now, I guess I do.

There is little doubt that someone who hasn't had hard core protein in 13 years is the one most prone to snap and suddenly see my Stan at the end of the leash as a starving cartoon character might see him.

So no thanks, I'll pass.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Get Up, Stand Up

On Monday I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.

Monday, August 16th
Get Up, Stand Up
The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm

Here's the ace line-up:

Host : Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Luna Lounge)


Tom Shillue: (Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart)
Neal Brennan: (writer; Chappelle's Show, writer; "Half Baked")
Eddie Brill: (Late Show w/ David Letterman, Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn, Comedy Central Presents)
Jon Corbett: Comedy Central's Premium Blend
Becky Donahue: (Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn)
Craig Baldo: (Last Comic Standing, VH1 All Access, Premium Blend)
Susie Felber: ("First Time Caller", US Weekly)

This show is brought to you by
Angela Bowers, Liam McEneaney & the letter M.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm

Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd
Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
(201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!

Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm

The Village Lantern
167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)

Featured comics:

Dan Cronin
Bryan Olsen
And me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to do it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).

*A globe of the greater NY area

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I'm not dead, I'm doing gigs on Long Island

OK, so maybe this is a sort of death, but I have actually found doing shows on Long Island can really be quite exciting.

First there's the fear. I don't just have issues with Long Island -- I have a whole subscription.

I grew up on Long Island. It's the only place that still scares the poop out of me. Since I conquered stage fright way back when dinos ruled the land, but I'd sooner put poisonous snakes in my panties than face the past, Long Island really delivers a potent cocktail of white hot fear. Iraq might be no picnic, but have you ever been deployed to Islip? I didn't think so. Performing on the soil of my ancestral homeland is the only way to really up the stakes.

Then there's the pay. Shows in the sticks (read: anywhere outside of Manhattan), actually pay you. That's not why I perform, but it's nice.

Then there's the people. For the most part, they like me. Each time I hit the L.I.E. I expect my mind-numbingly awful Jr. High experience to be repeated and I brace for it. Doing these shows is like getting in a time-machine, going back and finding that magically everything on Long Island has changed for the better. How is this possible? Did someone tinker with the space/time continuum, severely altering everything in the future? Yes. Go back a whole bunch of years and you'll see: I sneakily picked myself up a wheelbarrow full of confidence, and it changed Long Island forever.

Tonight I'll be performing at The Rare Olive Lounge in Huntington. If anyone who reads this actually shows up, I will buy you a drink and an elk. That's my promise. Free drink/ free elk. Hell, I'll even throw in a year's supply of colored plastic wrap to jazz up your leftovers if you actually show up. See you there!

Monday, June 14, 2004

I'm not dead, I'm in US Weekly

Once again you can see me and my hilarious comments on page 106-107 of US Weekly in this week's Fashion Police.

Also in the same issue, notice that Britney Spears is 22 years old on page 44, and then 23 years old on page 50.

The camera may add 10 pounds, but the column inches sure can pack on the years...

This issue is brilliant and not only has the skinny on J-Lo's suspected shotgun wedding, but it also has:

Info on Julia Roberts and her twins-to-be and then info and pics from Julia's husband's pregnant ex.

Courtney Cox and her pregnancy

The first sigthing of Helen Hunt and her baby w/stars bring their spawn to school.

A 2-page feature on Denise Richerds entitled, "How I Lost the Baby Weight" followed by a feature on "More Mommy Makeovers"

A little piece called "Battle of the Celebrity Strollers" featuring Kate Hudson and Gwyneth

Pics of Angelina Jolie romping in a bikini with her baby and an exclusive on her plans to adopt another baby

A bit piece called "Hank Azaria Honors Gwyneth's baby"

And more baby news including, 5,000 pictures of Lindsay Lohan (zing!)

"Oh, now I get it" credit goes to Gawker for pointing me to this little item.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Coq au Vin

I don't just want to hawk a show I'm doing this Sunday becuase that would make today's entry way too spamy. So I'll tell you two interesting tidbits first:

I performed for thousands of people last weekend in DC. I hung with members of Congress, met a very nice former member of SNL (one I had always had a wee little comedy groupie crush on), and partied down at the house of an infamous former president's wife's brother. Why do I put it that way? It is so the poor sap isn't associated with me via a Google search... that couldn't be good for either of us.

In other news, the BBC has just announced they are adding even more breakthrough programming to their line-up - cool!

Now on to the spam-a-riffic info on how to see me in a big little show:

"Friends and Family"
Sunday, May 2nd @8pm
Beauty Bar
231 E. 14th Street, between 2nd & 3rd Aves.

Hosted by Josh Haness, this fun show with mod stage also features the comic stylings of Matt Gitlin, Seth Morris and me, Susie Felber.

PS You might've noticed this post has nothing to do with coq au vin. I noticed that too. Freakin' weird, right? It must be a Blogger bug because I always write pithy titles.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Journalism Piss up

When I was a little ringlet-haired thing riding in our faux wood-trimmed Ford station wagon, I got very upset as we passed a cemetery.

When asked what was wrong, it was with bitter jealousy that I remarked, "Dead people always get the best flowers. It's not fair!"

Yeah, I would've forgotten that if not for the fact that each time my family drove by a graveyard they seemed to slow down as they recounted the hilarity of that moment for eveyone's pleasure but mine.

I'm happy to report that at this great age I am not jealous of dead people's flowers...

I'm insanely jealous of the glowing and extended obits that always seem to be reserved for journalists.

Still, this one in The Washionton Post was very cool.

Yes, it's another long-winded eulogy to a journalist, but I truly liked this one for long, long time Washington Post columnist Mary McGrory.

Since the Post requires annoying yet free registration, I've excerpted my favorite part here, for you:

"Gailey talked of the heyday of the Star, when a bottle of booze might one day pop up in the newsroom and lead to an inevitable song-filled gathering outside McGrory's office. She never could get accustomed to The Post's sober newsroom events centered around a ceremonial cake, Gailey said. Even when the paper won three Pulitzers, everyone just ate cake. She thought of retiring, but couldn't. "She simply could not bring herself to face the cake."

Yes, please bring back the booze and the flasks in the drawers of the hardened old newsmen, the green glass-shaded desk lamps, the smoke-filled newsrooms, the little leather visors and all the other things that would make me run, not walk, to go work at a newspaper.


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Awesome show tonight

Here I am busy/lazy, mostly just cutting and pasting from the lovely Becky D's spam. Join us if you can...

TONIGHT -- Wednesday, April 21st

The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Ave B at Third St.
Weds @ 8pm sharp
Take the f train to second Ave
$5 cover buys your first drink
(rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water)

With your host, Becky Donohue
Featuring: Credits:
Jess Wood ~ Got Wood? And a new solo show coming down the pike
Abby Scott ~ Her parents make their own grandkids
Susan Prekel ~ Montreal
Nikko ~ Man about town
Dani Cohen ~ Premium Blend/ Chapelle Show
Amber Tozer ~ Tues night show at the Laugh Lounge
Susie Felber ~ On her way to the march for women in DC to perform outdoors in the middle of the city and party down with funny feminists a plenty!

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Alive and Kicking, Kicking for Your Love

It's true I've never updated my blog religiously, but that's only because I didn't want to go through all the trouble to get a blog-friendly prayer mat, blog-scented incense, & cyber-silver blog offering plate (e.g. the ever-popular "Donate to me via Pay Pal" crap).

But there has been a rip in the blog space/time fabric since I last bragged, er, I mean, blogged here.

See I got me a shiny new job. I'm the in-house writer for a TV network that shall remain nameless.

The bad of it was that I had to quit my Comedy Central freelance stuff. You'd better check out the links to my stuff on before they go all Felber-free.

The good of it is I'm working with wonderful people, I dig the new challenges and frankly, having been a freelance writer/performer since I left Comedy Central's staff in '98, having a regular gig is appreciated. There are lots of excellent perks to being staff in TV that I had forgotten about.

Some of the perks may not seem so great to you. On my first day when I went to the supply closet and the guy loaded me up with pens -- FREE PENS!-- why I almost cried with happiness. I'm serious. Easily pleased, I guess.

Still I wouldn't trade my freelance carving-out-a-life experience for anything. Although I didn't rake in the money (except that full year I wrote and produced promos for Lifetime and was still able to hold down a bunch of other jobs... ah, those were the days) I never had a day job, I didn't have to carry office politics around my neck, I did what I pleased and I never had a job that wasn't writing or performing.*

The freelance artist life is good. I recommend it highly. If being a freelancer doesn't kill you, it might just make you stronger.

And even if it doesn't make you stronger, it will certainly make you appreciate the free pens.

Love 4 and to my 4 loyal readers,


*I am leaving out my brief stint this December as a Tarot-reading psychic at Cornell medical school's HR department's Christmas party that took place at an Upper East Side Mexican Restaurant. I also neglected to mention the talent agency that booked me into a few weeks of taking surveys at both Harlem and Ozone Park Citibank's while giving away shitty water bottles while wearing an embarrassing, huge Citibank polo shirt. I do not mention these in my artist pep talk because they are too embarrassing to share and would certainly ruin my glamorous queen of all media/sexpot image.**

** I am also leaving out the horror of having no health insurance and I must therefore thank the cab drivers of NYC for not running me over during those years and my body for only giving me ailments that could be either painfully endured yet neglected for long periods of time or ailments that, in lieu of anti-biotics could be effectively treated by consuming enough Nyquil to kill a Kodiack bear.***

***I'm not sure if I spelled "Kodiack" right. You see I just read an article in Vanity Fair on some bear nut guy who travelled to Alaska only to get mauled in the end but I was sleepy and/or on the subway when I read it.****

****Oh, nothing more to say, I've simply gone asterisk-happy.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Felber Tonight

Fresh off slaying them at Soho House, I'm performing tonight in a wonderful show. Since life is a cabaret, why not come to a carbaret and feel welcome? That sounded cheesy, must working on my selling it... Anyway, it is a good show in an intimate yet hopping venue. The lighting is nice too, so there.

Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from US Weekly and MTV2!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Ahead of the (pathetic) Curve

Last Monday, fresh off my gig writing copy for a chain restaurant I accepted a pretty cool in-house writing job with a TV network that shall remain nameless. I start next Monday.

Today Neal Pollack confessed that even as a hot young author stud, he wrote copy for the likes of Weight Watchers and 1-800 Flowers.

I love this. I love him for saying it.

Oh hey, did you hear that? That's the sound of all the aspiring young things who want to live the life of an artist clawing and scratching their way out of the cafes and into a copywriting gig.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Enough with the bragging already!

Instead of rubbing in the fact that I'm performing at the SoHo House tomorrow night and all you huddled masses aren't allowed to attend... allow me to show you a link to my wonderful friend's short film that is about the huddled masses, yearning to rock free.

Check out this little labor of love by comedian Rob Paravonian on his home town of Waukegan, Illonois.

Monday, March 22, 2004

I'm a big (So)Ho

This Wednesday night I'm performing at Soho House. The infamous NY Soho House, dahlings.

Thing is, it's a members-only affair. I'm allowed one guest, and that's it.

I'm not a member, but still able to perform. Groucho Marx said something like, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

I say, "I refuse to join any club that I can't afford to become a member of."

And I add, "But I'm totally psyched to snarf down dinner and drinks and get to perform my comic stylings for very possibly wealthy, or at least probably media-connected others who will all try to act like they aren't looking for celebrities or they don't think it's awesome to be so very lucky to be drinking and dining in the ultra-cool spot of the moment."

Will my appearance and my dorkiness that can't be scraped off mark the end of Soho House's cool quotient? Or will my appearance ignite a Felber-induced burning hot hotness that will crown it the coolest place ever from now to eternity?

Let's be honest here people...most likely the latter.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Clever Takes a Holiday

I'm sleepy today. So very sleepy that even after 5 cups of instant coffee all I can bring myself to do is promote some of my upcoming shows in a bland copy and paste manner.

Could it be someone is pumping gas under the door? Or is it just that on this, the first day of spring, it's currently snowing and the snow that is dropping has the weight and heft of rat pellets and I'm so pissed off I've decided to hibernate straight through to Memorial Day? Yeah, that could be it. See you next summer!

Or, if I decide to amble out of my cave to get in a few comedy sets, you can see me at one of the following shows:

This Wednesday @ 7pm I'm doing Poppi Hour.

Poppi Hour is at The Duplex
61 Christopher Street
(at 7th Ave.)
NYC, NY 10014

From the site:
Featuring comics seen on Letterman, E! and Comedy Central, this wild evening is certain to get you over that Hump Day! There's NO COVER, two-for-one drink specials, and tons o' laughs...

Then on Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from Comedy Central...'s website!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Felber today, Felber tonight

Felber today: I've received many a forwarded joke and one e-mail virus warning from good friends.

I completed the Spotlight newsletter for this week, had steamed broccoli marinara and two cups of instant coffee.

I planned a nice dinner with my family so we can also fill out an application to possibly finally get compensation for the property my grandparents had swiped by the Nazi's. That kind of fun always helps a dinner go down, IMHO!

I will soon take a shower and walk the dog again. I'll probably have another cup of instant coffee and add awesome vanilla chemicals.

Felber tonight is much more glamorous:

I am appearing live at B3 tonight, Wednesday, March 17th.

The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Ave B at Third St.
Weds @ 8pm sharp
Take the f train to second Ave
$4 cover buys your first drink -- Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water.

With your host, Becky Donohue (kinda Irish, kinda Spanish, kinda Welsh, annoyingly American)

Sean Crespo ~ I don't think he's Irish
Josh Spear ~ Jewish and muscle bound
Jodi Young ~ Black Irish
Michele Balan ~ Let's just say they won't let her march...
Susie Felber ~ Irish lookin' with the red hair, but Jewish underneath it all.
Will Mckinley ~ The Mick is in the name, need I say more? He will get extra time.
Leigh Kessler ~ Sounds Irish, the Leigh, and the Irish tend to spell things funny, but not, maybe Jewish, maybe figure it out.

Come on down and let's act all Irish and poop.

I am also appearing not live!

Tonight, I can be seen on TV. I'm on MTV2 in a show called, "That's Not A Good Look."

"Not A Good Look"; is a no-holds-barred inspection of fashion styles seen in music videos and on the red carpet. Enjoy unfortunate fashion disaster moments from Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, R Kelly, Brittney Spears, J Lo and NSync. Featuring comments by comedians Robert Schimmel, Nick DiPaolo, Rich Vos, Jim Norton, Rain Prior -- and that red hot vixen who writes stuff about how awesome she is -- Susie Felber!

Below, are all the upcoming dates and times you can see me being oh-so hilarious in this show (if you gots the MTV2):

Wed 03/17
9:00 PM

Thu 03/18
1:30 PM

Fri 03/19
4:30 PM

Sat 03/20
7:00 PM

Sun 03/21
10:30 AM

Wed 03/24
2:00 PM

Thu 03/25
10:00 AM

Sat 03/27
4:00 PM

Mon 03/29
10:30 AM

Tue 03/30
9:00 PM


Now, who would you rather know? Felber today? Or super sexy Felber tonight?

Yeah, me too!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

The Deli Lama

He is a smiley Korean man who works at the bodega on 7th Ave. and Charles street. He mainly works at night. His name is hard to pronounce, something like "Un" or "Eun."

But he calls himself the Deli Lama.

He makes colorful hats for each day out of paper plates using a scissors and magic markers and he wears one every time he works.

Sometimes he makes hats for others.

He made me a hat on December 19th, 2003.

I know that because the hat was dated.

It has wonderful things written on it. On each of a cut out animal's legs it says: Peace, Love, Health, Prosperity. This unidentifiable animal has a round head, a tail and he is smiling.

In the middle of the animal is a round design wishing a merry x-mas and a happy new year. The circle also says, "Life is sweet."

Smack in the middle of this is my name, done in green marker with red accents. On the back the writing is in black, blue, green and red. It says, "Susie is the center of the universe, surrounded by lots of love and luck."

He pre-writes many of the hat elements when business at the deli is slow. This way he can simply just write your name in.

At the bottom he wrote, "www.BEAUTYQUEENSUSIE.COM/NO.1"

Under that it says, "The Deli Lama"

I love my paper plate hat.

I am wearing it now.

Monday, March 15, 2004


Very quickly because I'm a very busy, very important person...

Tonight I'm appearing at Luna!

And I'm doing something or other that will be very funny, Thor willing. Where on earth did they get that braided hair pic of me that's on the site? What other embarrassing pics might they have? In my preemptive defense, that horse totally wanted it. Anyway, here's all the 411:

"Eating It" at Luna Lounge is every Monday night at 8:30PM sharp. Doors open at 7:30 PM. Admission is $8 (includes one free drink). Valid photo ID required to enter. 21 & over only.

Luna Lounge is located at 171 Ludlow Street which is between Houston & Stanton streets.

This coming Wednesday I'm doing this show:

“Becky and Friends at B3”
The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Avenue B & 3rd Street NYC
Hotline: 212-971-118
Every Wednesday at 8PM
$4 cover buys your first drink (Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water)

And then on Friday, I get to host backstage video interviews for Comedy Central's web thang at Comedy Central's Bar Mitzvah Bash. Sounds like a blast to me.

Who knew a Hebrew school drop out could achieve such greatness?

Monday, March 08, 2004

Felber Tonight

I'm appearing at Luna Lounge for "50 in 50" -- 50 comics in 50 minutes.

Tonight at 8:30 Sharp!

The past 2 years it has been 60 comics in 60 minutes, with the 20 best given a spot at Irving Plaza for a segment called, you guessed it, "20 in 20."

The past 2 years, I immodestly submit that I have made the cut and been one of the 20 in 20. You can even watch me in action at Irving Plaza.

Click here and see me perform my original song, "Pay Per View Doesn't Show Cock." I played the autoharp I had bought at a junk shop and then smashed it, having no clue I was partially ruining an authentic "3rd Man" junior autoharp. After the show it was pointed out to me and I searched the stage for the pieces that had been chipped off in my passion. I recovered most all of them -- the stagehands who had almost been hit by flying bits of autoharp were very nice and remembered where they were.

The next year I did a flute and song tribute to my hero after September 11th, Kelly Osbourne. Here I learned that wearing a pink wig and sticking a cigarette in your flute like a rock guitarist is fun.

This year there will be no "winners" chosen, it's just a show for the crazy fun of it.

Here's the info from the site:

EATING IT PRESENTS 50 in 50 (50 comics in 50 minutes) Hosted by Colette Hawley
You think 7 comics is a bargain at $8 (including a free drink)? How about 50 for the price of 7? It’s the return of one of the most popular, diverse and eclectic comedy events in New York! Come see 50 comics perform in 50 minutes (give or take a few). 50 in 50 will feature many of our Eating It regulars along with several newcomers condensing the best of what they do in 60 seconds, with plenty of creative twists and outrageous surprises. Past editions of the show featured a celebrity all-star elderly tap dancing revue; a comic’s mother telling dirty jokes; the compete Enron scandal in 60 seconds; bad magic tricks, raunchy mad libs; a musical concert on a saw; Phil Collins Junior, and a 60 second reverse strip tease.

Host: Host: comedian Colette Hawley, creator and host of “Confessing It”, “Dating It”, “C Sharp: Comedy and Music with an Edge” and “Box of Sadness”


Craig Baldo, Sara Barron, Becky & Noelle, Clara Bijl, Jordan Carlos, Adam Cole-Kelly, Josh Comers, Jane Condon, Jonathan Corbett, Jessica Delfino, Pete Dominick, Becky Donohue, Andres duBouchet, Peter Dutton, Ophira Eisenberg, Susie Felber, Jon Fisch & James Patterson, Kimmy Gatewood, Bayne Gibby, Mike Gold, Matt Goldich, Josh Haness, The Hazzards, Seth Herzog, Tim Homayoon, Peter Hyman, Dan Kennedy, Leigh Kessler, Eric Kirchberger, Nick Kroll Andrea Rosen Chelsea Peretti & Roger Hailes, Shauna Lane, Nasry Malak, Moody McCarthy, Liam McEneaney, Veronica Mosey, Sara Polon, Dan Powell, Susan Prekel, Stacey Prussman, The Rob and Mark Show, Kristen Schaal, Debbie Shea, Dave Siegel, Bricken Sparacino, Rebecca Tingley, Amber Tozer, Adam Wade, Jessica Wood, Florence Yoo, & Rena Zager.

Now, here it is 1:20 PM on the day of the show and I have no clue what I'm doing for my minute.

Come on down and find out!

PS Next Monday at Luna I'm doing a "real" longer than 1-minute spot.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Purim Passion Play

At the last minute I was drafted for a one-night only opportunity to be in a couple of really funny oft Purim-themed sketches. It is a fundraiser. Well-written by Rob Kutner, a writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Congregation Shaare Zedek
93rd btw B'way and Amsterdam
10PM (but show up around 9ish for tix)
...and I am told there will be food and booze aplenty.

Only problem is that I have no idea how much it is. It's for a good cause though, so fill your pockets.

I'm psyched. Purim is a fun holiday and a rare chance to let your hair down in the congregation. My friend Eric told me that on Purim, "One is supposed to drink until one can no longer tell good from evil."

Same old, same old, eh?

Friday, March 05, 2004

Hang on a Polyester-Pickin' Second!

Oh feck, I almost always forget to plug myself.

Ah! I remembered!

I'm performing tonight!

Come to: The No Relation Comedy Show

Awesome but unrelated, Joe DeVito and Anthony DeVito perform and host an excellent show just a stone's throw from The Emprie State Building.

No Relation Comedy
36 W. 33rd St. (b/w 5th & 6th)
1, 2, 3, 9 to 34 St./7th Ave.
B, D ,F, N, Q, R, V, W to 34 St./Herald Sq.


Tonight's show features the hot & writerly Todd Levin, the hot & visiting Brit sensation Jo Caulfield & wonderful ol' me!

See you there!

Or not.



Say No More

Damn I was tempted to hang it all and name the name of the place I dissed in yesterday's post. But hey, it's not just bad karma I fear as I said. You see it is an Italian restaurant after all. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. Eh? Eh?*

* Actually it's not that kind of Italian place and to be honest I'm not really scared of Mafia-type revenge for some crap I write on my blog that is only read by 5 people/year.**

**OK, maybe I'm just the tiniest bit apprehensive, even though I know it's insane. You know, they might be connected, you never know.***

*** OK that is insane. They are probably not Mafia. That is a terrible cliche and you Susie are a bad person for even thinking it. Shame shame on you!****

**** Still, it might be dangerous to publically humiliate them. Any restaurant has sharp knives and they are right down the block and... Wait, who is that knocking on the door now? It's only 8:20 am. Funny, I'm not expecting anyone... Let me go see and...."Why hello man in white jacket with cleaver and blood stains on his apron, how can I help y..AAAAAAARGHHH!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!! YAA!! Ow! ARGH!! Gurgle gurgle, ARGHHH!!!!!"*****

***** That cartoon-like "AAARGH!" was supposed to imply I had been attacked by the chef and that I was screaming for my life. Anyone who has a better way to represent screaming bloody murder in a more realistic way, please feel free to contact me. Thanks!

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Spin City

An upscale Italian joint opened recently on my corner in the West Village. Actually, since the one time I went there lunch for two came to just shy of 100 bucks, I suppose "joint" is not the right word. My lunch for two included no appetizer, no dessert and just 3 glasses of the cheapest wine possible. Oh, and one of us ordered vegetable soup as an entree. What I'm getting at is that it's expensive. In other words, I mean to say that when the bill came, I almost plotzed. The price included entertainment such as lots of indeterminate European accents, beautiful young women with ugly old men and one extremely loud gay lawyer who I know tons more about because he was so loud.

Our food was dull and standard. There was nothing offensive, but nothing particularly good. The wine was nothing to e-mail home about. The waiters, however, all look awesome in their candy pink shirts and the tall drink of water who is the host is considered hot by all the middle-aged ladies in the hood.

In the interest of not wooing bad karma I will not reveal the name of the restaurant.

Sure I was predisposed to not like it because I was a regular at the previous restaurant that lived there. The previous restaurant, Anton's, was forced out when the landlord more than doubled the rent. Anton was the chef/owner and employed only 2 waiters & one Hispanic sous chef. With the rent set to skyrocket, he said there was no way he could turn even a modest profit... As if that little fact ever stopped a NYC restaurant from opening.

Lemme get to the point.

I just saw the listing for this restaurant on NY Citysearch. I was curious about what it would say because the place had recently gotten the most devastatingly bad review I think I've ever seen in the New York Times. I think "Snow Dogs" got a better review than this place. The Times review basically said that the restaurant was overpriced, tasteless. The reviewer said the food was as pretty and vapid as the clientele. The reviewer concluded that this place could only attract and was made for beautiful, stupid rich people who were themselves tasteless people. Ouch. Wait, did he call me beautiful? Aw.

The Times ripped this place a new one to the point I felt sorry for them. It can't be that bad, I thought. And I'm not that razor thin and jaw-droppingly beautiful (close but no cigar) so maybe my presence will prove it wrong. So in part to support them and in part because I had a very sick relative visiting who hadn't been out in two days and couldn't go farther than a block, I went. I also went because sadly my imagination was impoverished -- before that day I could not conceive of a lunch that expensive at a little village cafe.

Surprisingly on Citysearch it was a recommended restaurant(!), $$$$ explained the high prices, and it gushed over the food.

But the best part was that it contained this snippet of a review, "Everything looks good at (name deleted)" -- Marian Burros, New York Times.

They just seemed to forget to include the rest of the review which was something like, "Everything looks good here and yet tastes like crap." The review even compared the gelati to supermarket sherberts. I suppose this gimmick is old hat for movies but it surprised me in the food arena. I say this place should cut out the middleman, pull an all-out Sony and just create their own reviewer.

Here, I'll get them started:

"A culinary delight, every dish a winner, you'll wish you were even more ridiculously wealthy than you are so that you could just throw hundred dollar bills at their feet when they serve the panini. Speaking of the panini, it is so orgasmically delicious, that you may forget you just dropped a twenty on what is basically an under-stuffed mediocre sandwich on stale yet exquisitely oily bread. The delicious selection of wines can be paired perfectly with your 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. After the second glass you may even forget she is only with you because her acting career never panned out and she's really wildly attracted to your pad in the Hamptons. Speaking of the Hamptons, you can enjoy the same vibe at their other two locations. With one in the Hamptons and the other on the Upper East Side, you can relax with others who share your tax bracket, if not your accent." -- Ima Sheetengyou, The Times Herald News Examiner Daily Standard Weekly.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Why pay retail?

When you can get your hands on a fully refurbished blood and fluid warmer?

See how happy this woman in the Gendron Millennium Bariatric Patient Lift is?

That's because her fluids were warmed.

Order now and get 10 percent off a snazzy like-new binocular colposcope!

This coloposcope features:

13.5x magnification (optional 10x, 18x)
Working distance of 275mm
Green filter for clear visualization of vascular patterns*
3 illumination settings
4-legged base with locking caster wheels
35mm or video camera documentation

Act now and we'll throw in a Gomco 6000/6003 GI Drainage Unit absolutely free!

As always, we will beat any competitors price on Sigmoidoscopes & Choledochoscopes. We will not be undersold on Tuttnauer Compact Valueklaves! We are the best in the business for all your Ross Flexiflo Quantum needs.

*Now we know how Paris Hilton shot her video, eh?

Monday, March 01, 2004


Hot off Janet Jackson's fan-tacky-stic waving boobie and recent scathing tabloid features focused on pointing out Anna Nicole-like racks, Hollywood decided to bare all -- their shoulders.

To wit:

Liv Tyler and many of those blonde actresses I can't tell apart were in tops that looked like racer-back Speedo swimsuits. High to the neck but with no arms and ample full frontal shoulder.

Annie Lennox wore a white peek-a-boo shoulder #.

Susan Sarandon's shoulders begged for attention as she had one strap up and the other devil-may-care down. As it was never adjusted I was left to believe this was intentional. She is beautiful but her dress made her look drunk.

To prove how risque shoulders have become, one need only look at nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes, aged 13, whose white gauze type thing was worn only to cover her shoulders.

Even Nicole Kidman did not have cleavage in a strapless #. Yes her gown jutted out brazenly as if supported by flying buttresses, but while they were obviously invited to the dress, her boobs were not in attendance.

Best (and only) Boobs

This was a tie.

1. A Queen Latifah-esque pair worn by Marcia Gay Harden. But Marica had the excuse of being so extremely pregnant I was worried her possible stunt would've trumped that of Blake Edwards.

2. Billy Crystal's (shiver!)

Added bonus Oscar fashion award from me!

Worst Dress

This was also a two-way tie.

1. UMA in her enormous but starchy white layers with yodeller trim totally Swiss Missed the mark.

2. OPRAH actually wore a gown with a huge bow on her butt. She looked like a bridesmaid on that episode of A Different World where Whitley, a.k.a. Jasmine Guy, gets married. With her huge 80's bustle, baby got back... to the future!

Thursday, February 26, 2004

White Girl Plays that Funky Music

I'm totally hooked on iTunes radio.

As I work today I'm listening to the amazing stylings of the trance-groove-techno-downbeat-urban-bass-jungle-old school-Euro-progressive-psychedelic-hardcore-penguin-electronica-underground-ambient-coq au vin-garage-house-dance Greatest Hits station.

My pad sounds like an expensive scented boutique and gay bar in one!

I adore it.

And the best part is, it's all free!


Yesterday I wondered why Scarlett Johansson was pantless for roughly most of Lost in Translation. What was the larger significance of her peek-a-boo panties in cinematic terms?

In one late scene she rises out of bed wearing naught more than a wife beater and panties. She is chilly and she puts on a long-sleeved cardigan... but she does not make a move to put on pants.

One can only suppose that in Japan, heat does not rise. In Tokyo heat falls and one's nether regions are continually burning hot. This is why they have the tradition of community bathing. It is very important to dip one's squidy bits into water to avoid possible pubic fires. Yes, this is also the reason why Asian peoples evolved to have less body hair.

Well now that I've figured it out, I'll be off now.


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Lost in Translation

I finally saw this movie last night.

Spoiler warning!

I'll tell you what was lost in translation: Scarlett Johansson's pants in almost every scene.

That's it, I must scoot out now to a meeting! Toodles to you poodles!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

The Economy is Improving

From Craigslist, a site I have secured work from many times:

*Job Alert* Get Paid To Kick A Guy In The Balls!

Reply to:
Date: 2004-02-22, 3:28PM EST

Female models wanted in the New York City/Long Island area, for a Jackass
style comedy website. Minimum pay is ten dollars an hour to kick a man in
the balls. Average wages much higher. Schedule is very flexible. Email us at This is not a joke.

Please email us a photo (optional), contact info, and/or general bio, for
1. Tell us a little about yourself? (your height, age, do you have a sense
of humor...)
2. What interests you in the site? (express any ideas, curiosities...)
3. Your physical activity background? (sports, dance, defense, yoga...)
4. You can send a resume, but we prefer non-academic info in relation to
yourself and the site

Leave a day and time that is best to reach you, so that we can set up an

Compensation: $10 -$20 per hour
This is a part-time job.
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
You may contact job poster about other services, products or commercial
Reposting this message elsewhere is OK.
this is in or around Manhattan/Long Island

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Going Dutch

Whenever I go out with someone, I feel most comfortable if we go Dutch.

Clogs, tulips, Oliebollen -- the whole megillah!

Yeah, I got nothing today. Unfortunately the sqrat recently emerged from his trash can in Central Park & saw his shadow. This bodes for 6 more weeks of very little funny.

In other news, I'm appearing at the UCB theater for Hump Night this Wednesday (tomorrow) at 11PM. It's usually a stellar show and it's free as the wind blows, grass grows, FREE.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My Little Piece of Heaven

Some of you know that when I need to shake off the showbiz stink and avoid the flash bulbs of the pappyratsy, I head to my little get away in the country.

But I didn't say which country, did I?

Well here it is, Felber Ranch.

Come visit anytime!

Ever since the Janet Jackson scandal, this blog has been forced to run on a five second delay. Refresh your screen in 5 seconds and witness my stunning off-the-cuff commentary.

If when you refresh you don't see anything new, chances are it was censored because it was deemed too shockingly funny.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Me and my hilarity will be appearing on MTV2

The show tapes this Thursday, but that's all I can say.

Stay tuned for all the exciting details, including a 6-week tutorial on how to actually find MTV2 on your dial.

Dial? What? Isn't that soap?*

*As I want even more on-camera work, I am attempting to create the impression I am not old enough to remember TV's with dials, Teddy Ruxpin or Pac Man Fever. Thanks for your help in this grand deception! Shh!

Thursday, February 05, 2004


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

If you don't have anything to say at all, blog.

Sorry my kitty cat lambiekins, but knee-slapping blog-larity is currently taking a backseat to freelance writing contracts.

I'll be back with my regularly scheduled witty bon mots toot sweet.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Super Bowl Half-Time Show Highlight

Forget Janet's boob, the most surprising and thrilling surprise was Shirley Hemphill back from the dead and going to town on the drums.

Friday, January 30, 2004

I Have Big Issues

Close to my heart is the Hubble space telescope. Screw going to the moon, Hubble is an extremely important research tool that should not be abandoned.

Here's a petition for the Hubble with links to more on the issue:

This has been a self-important plea for flossy space flotsom I have nothing to do with. Now back to my really important job: making cheap jokes...

I'm a Woman of Mystery

Tonight I'm doing this lovely show. It's cheap & cheerful. It's an intimate room, but not in a creepy way.

Sweet Paprika
Friday Night comedy with Ophira Eisenberg, Allison Castillo & Guests
Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St., between Thompson and Sullivan,
A, C, E, F and V trains to West 4th Street, 6 train to Bleecker/Lafayette
Show starts at 8:30 PM

Gary Welz
Todd Levin
Greg Walloch
Mystery Guest - ???

Mystery Solved. It's me, La Felber.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Thar She Blows Up!

The funniest thing I've seen in ages. Funny 'cause it's true.

Decomposing whale explodes on Taiwan street

TAIPEI, Jan 29 (Reuters) - The decomposing remains of a
60-tonne sperm whale exploded on a busy Taiwan street,
showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and
stopping traffic for hours, local newspapers said.
The 17 metre (56 foot) dead whale had been on a truck
headed for an autopsy at a university earlier this week, when
gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the
southern city of Tainan.
The whale had died after it was beached on the southwestern
coast of the island.

Copyright (c) 2004 Reuters

Picture can be found here.

Don't ask, Do tell

My new fancy doctor on the Upper East Side is currently treating my long-standing, horribly painful, and possibly-cancerous-if-left-untreated medical condition.

The previous doctor I saw for this had tried many extreme and extremely painful cures such as surgery, freezing and powerful anti-cancer drugs -- "Whatever you do," he said, "do not even think about getting pregnant while on this." The toxic drug was in a strength that was so potent it had to be specially ordered. It was all to no avail. After months and many visits I was no better, possibly worse. Before seeing this doc I had been in freelancer land. I didn't have any health insurance and I just had to suffer. The let down that having health insurance did diddly was awful.

As I sat on the paper-lined puffy examination couch or table or whatever it is,
I looked out the window at the Metropolitan Museum and steeled myself for the terrible treatment this new doctor would put in motion. It had taken me a year to get up the guts to give another doctor a shot.

He said, "Well, before we start anything, you should know that there currently is no cure for this that works 100 percent of the time."

Yes, I knew that. I've read everything available on it, on the internet. I tried to imagine what hospital I'd be booked into.

He continued, "Yours is possibly the worst case I've ever seen, so of course surgery will be very painful..."

I think, "Thank goodness I have health insurance, so I can afford this."

Then he says, "But I have had success with..."

I think, "Get out the knife, do your worst, I must be rid of this!"

"...duct tape."

Duct tape. Duct tape? Duct tape and...?

"No," he says, "just duct tape. Slap it on and leave it on for days at a time."

I am being treated with duct tape. The roll was purchased at Rite Aid.

Here's the weird part: it's working.

It's working like a charm.

Thor almighty, it's working!

Here's the best part: my insurance covers my visits to this UES Warlock with an MD.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Totally Fly

A rare movie rental recommendation from moi:

Winged Migration

This wacky French creation about migrating birds is not exactly a documentary nor is it wholly fiction; it stunning and it is both. You don't need to be a bird nerd to enjoy it and dahling, you must get it on DVD for the behind-the-scenes poop.

It was beyond beautiful and done without any special effects. The only distraction was the male Enya-type music, the ugly yellow chyron titles on the screen, and the voice in your head that demands to know how on earth they filmed it. Then the "making of" bit was mind-blowing. The filming was more bizarre than I could've guessed, and it left me wanting to know even more.

The website is cool-looking but a bit shoddy. For example, in flash it shows the migratory pattern of the ruby-throated hummingbird. It shows them traveling no farther north than Georgia. Tell that to my hummingbirds who arrived in upstate NY soon after Memorial Day and left with their suitcases packed full of perky pet instant nectar immediately after Labor Day.

Last May was the first time I'd ever seen a real live hummingbird.

I was up in the country doing who-knows-what on the log cabin's screened-in porch. Maybe I was cleaning up? It's very possible I was barefoot. It is almost certain I was mostly just happily spacing out on a warm sunny day.

Then I heard a motorcycle in the distance, which was odd because the area was usually so quiet. I craned my ear towards the screen to figure out where it was coming from. The motorcycle seemed to be going back and forth on a distant road, but if the road was distant, why did it sound so clear? Anyone who knows me knows my lousy hearing is a constant source of frustration for me and anyone trying to tell me something. Figuring my bum ears would never crack the mystery, I gave up trying to listen.

I turned my head to get on to thinking something even slightly useful and suddenly I saw the most enormous bumble bee flying to and fro, right on the other side of the screen.

The bee stopped and hovered in mid air, his motorcycle engine noise chugging away as he idled. He stared straight at me and I saw this obese bee was wearing metallic green and red coat.

Clear as a bell I heard him say,

"Hey lady, I'm a hummin' boid, a.k.a. Archilochus colubris. Look I've been flying like a crazy person. I'm friggin' exhausted. The trip from Central America was a nightmare... I'm getting too old for dis stuff... you know that dis place is da one I come to every year. Now what say you get that feeder out? Oh stop with da innocent act, would ya? Wait a sec... you're new here, ain't ya... OK toots, I'm only gonna tell you dis once. Go move your pretty little ass and fetch the feeder -- yeah it's the tacky plastic thing you found under the sink. Clean it up nice, fill it with that delicious red sauce and try to make it snappy. My people are all coming to dis here establishment and I's don't want anything to go screwy. Oh you're a comedian, eh? Well from now on in you is humming bird craft services. Whaddya lookin' at me like dat for? We provide an important service, ya know? Yeah we provide...ah... wonder 'n da beauty of nature and all that shit. We've got an understanding, yes? Good. Don't make me go all Hitchcock on your ass."

Thanks to the extortionist hummingbirds who mostly ignored us as they dive bombed the feeder and one another in true thug style, it was a summer full of wonder, the beauty of nature and all that.

Oh summer summer summer. Type it enough and maybe it will come faster...

Oh, right... the movie... well the movie's site has them but the movie doesn't show even one hummingbird, so don't get your hopes up. But if the albatross, the puffin or the stork turn you on as much as they turn me on, you will go crazy for this fine feathered flick.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Resolutions Schmezzolutions

I'm moving to sunny Mauritania!

From the article:

"They are proud and show off their good size to make men dribble... Once they are fat and beautiful they can serve their men well..."

The only hitch to my plan is wondering how long it will take for me to believe that causing male "dribble" is somehow sexy.

Think Felbsy think!

Monday, January 26, 2004

Tin Pan Susie

This coming Saturday night I'm taking the whole dog & pony show to my ancestral homeland, a.k.a. Lawn Giland. I'm not sure who's on the bill other than the lovely and talented Joe Devito and myself.

Saturday, January 31st
Tin Alley Grill
630 Stewart Ave.
Garden City, Long Island
$5 cover, no drink minimum
No reservations -- get there early to get a good seat.

I bet my groupies are camping out at the LIRR ticket window right now.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Mix it Up

Lazy/busy blogger technique: the link.

Dean going nuts in musical form may already be old hat, but here's a site that has them all.

Some are funnier than others, probably because the amount of copycatting has diluted the funny. Still, some of the remixes reminded me how much I liked the original tunes. Oz-zy! Oz-zy! Oz-zy!

Actually my favorite part of the Iowa jazz was watching a home-based caucus do their thang on C-Span without any commentary. I was cooking a beautiful pasta of excitement for dinner and hanging out with Ed and my friend Eris. The highlights of peeking into this Iowa caucus (held in Elmira, I think?) were honestly thrilling:

The bottles of blush wine and the brownies.

Hearing a woman say, "Mr. Wilson you've been a very good boy" and then having the camera pan all the way down to a ratty-looking, clueless poodle sporting rust colored eye crust.

Hearing another woman say, "I haven't been able to open my door since I hit that deer."

Watching a head of the meeting crack everyone up when she said, "OK we need an alternate for this committee, in case Joe* gets his foot caught in the lawnmower again."

*I don't actually remember what the accident prone guy's name was, but I am 100 percent sure of that scruffy poodle's name.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

You Better Work It Girl

I hafta admit it's getting better, getting better all the time -- I've secured good work of late and after a long slog, there seems to be more on the horizon.

So of course I'm very busy. Too busy to write a clever blog entry. Someday soon my freelance butt will be paid for all this work (about 6 months from now) and I'll need to go out and paint the town fuschia with other folks as flush as I am.

Here then, is a job listing I found for y'all. No need to thank me, just buy me a bottle of bubbly when you get the gig!

Poultry Times and Poultry Egg & Marketing
P.O. Box 1338, 345 Green Street,
NW, Gainesville, GA 30503. P(770)536-2476. F(770)532-4894. Email: chill (at) Website: Chris
Hill, Publisher & Editor. Minimal freelance percentage. "Poultry Times is a
bi-weekly poultry trade newspaper covering the entire poultry industry, from
production to processing and marketing." Welcomes new writers. Circ. 10K
each publication. Poultry Times: Biweekly. Pays on publication. Buys FNASR.
Accepts reprints. Sample by phone, mail or fax. Subscription Poultry Times:
$12 surface mail; $122 airmail; Canada surface mail $28; surface mail other

CURRENT NEEDS: "Poultry farming/processing issues and local government
action affecting poultry production/processing. Read online editions to get
a flavor of style." Pays flat fee of $150 for first item, $75 for second
item on same assignment to new writers to Poultry Times, "upon negotiation
for recurring use of writer." Submit query to publisher & editor.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

This is not an ex-parrot!

I love this story: Winston Churchill's parrot is still alive & kicking... & cursing.

Oh no! Maybe he isn't! Maybe he wasn't!

This is worse than last week, when I found about the whole Easter bunny sham.

Oh but do clap if you believe in Tinkerbell & foul mouthed anti-Nazi birds!

Monday, January 19, 2004

An Open Letter to Rosie O'Donnell

Dear Rosie,

Sorry to hear about Taboo closing. That must totally suck.

Even with a financial loss that trumps what most people make in a lifetime, you are reportedly ready to saddle up the ol' Broadway horse again. As always, I genuinely admire your pluck.

But while I do enjoy theater and do appreciate all you've done for the overall health of Broadway, I can't help but wonder why you've abandoned your roots.

You made it as a sassy L.I. comedian. Not as a singing comedian and not as a dancing comedian. Not as a comedian who needed a full orchestra or a union crew. Not as a comedian with a stage manager or the need for a rehearsal space other than your bedroom.

Rather you were a very talented stand-up comedian, playing in all the rat holes comedians are forced to play in.

Your generation boomed with comedy. Back in the 80's you all had paying spots but the boom went bust and you left us with a sick and dying comedy club scene.

Now you've made your money and you've ran off and left us for the more glamorous world of tourists and turn turn kick turn, two, three, kick turn!

Have any successful comedians of your generation looked back and then taken an interest in ameliorating what is happening now?

How about our own NY treasure, Jerry Seinfeld? He, not unlike other comedy legends, is known to run into a NY comedy club bringer show, do a spot and run out. In this way he validates the clubs. Seinfeld makes the poor, exploited, and crap bringer show comics believe the club's hype: that all an inexperienced comedian needs is bought stagetime. The club lures shows full of these inexperienced comedians buying stage time because they are told it is a career trajectory. It also keeps the usually miserable but long-suffering audiences in the dark as to their involvement in the whole "bringer show" sham.

I admit that as a working comedian it's very hard every time I hear someone say, "Oh, you're a comedian? My sister-in-law's brother's wife's dental hygienist is a comedian too. She's only been doing it for a few months. Personally, I didn't think she was very funny... but we saw her perform at (insert big comedy club name here) with Jerry Seinfeld, so she's obviously doing really well. So where do you perform?"

Or what about a certain NY-based late night talk show host who once featured cutting edge acts he had an appreciation for. But this man, whom I will only refer to as "Schmettermon" hasn't physically stepped out into the NY comedy world in decades. This is why his more recent comedy acts seem to be the choice of a partially labotomized man.

You see, your generation took the money and ran.

When the comedy boom went bust you all ran as fast as you could from the shoulder pads, the skinny ties and the hair mousse. You ran to sitcoms, to talk shows, to HBO and to Broadway shows. You ran from nothing less than the rotting stink of the over-exposed stand-up comedy carcass.

I can't say I wouldn't have done exactly the same thing in your position. But at some point I would've come back to clean up after I'd cleaned up.

Speaking as another sassy comedian originally from the fetid seagull pooped on strip mall full of ignorance that is known as Lawn Giland, I know how loathe you must be to go back.

Rosie you are much more than a grumpy do-gooder producer who currently has a bad haircut: You are a comedian. If you come to terms with this I think you and your check book will be a lot happier. If you could stop faking a crush on Tom Cruise, you can stop faking being legit. Embrace the freak comedian within, for your comedy is the well spring of your talents and that from which you were sprung.

Outside of the rotten core of the comedy clubs there is amazing comedy happening all over the city. Sure it can be argued that maybe the comedy clubs are beyond saving... that maybe without the throngs of cocaine addled audiences it's a no hoper. But no! There are are ways to contribute to the health of comedy, even if you don't go whole hog like those amazing young visionaries at UCB did.

Look, Rosie, The New York Times will review you if you dance around barefoot in your loft for long enough, but they do not even give a nod to comedy outside of a theater.* What I'm getting at is that we obviously need the publicity a helluva lot more than Broadway does.

You can drop the elaborate song and dance with me. You had me at, "Where ya from?" Help us Obi Wan, you and yours are our only hope.


A. Comic

*For some reason The New York Times does review cabaret, another art form often performed in tiny sticky-floored bars and clubs. All I can think is it's because the Times has a thing for tame whimsy and all the trimmings. e.g. middle-aged people who often over dress in crushed velvet & people who usually like their publicity shots to be photographed in a coy manner using a vaseline-coated lens.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Slow News Sunday

Wesley Clark is auctioning off his new argyle sweater on ebay, and donating the proceeds to charity.

This is the very same sweater I made fun of.

No joke here: just providing a resource for all you fabulously wealthy eccentric do-gooders who read my blog.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Ice, Ice Baby

The last time it was this temperature in NYC someone wrote,

"It's so cold I developed gonorrhea just for the burning sensation."

I salute the author of this brilliant joke. I would like to properly honor him by visiting The Tomb of the Unknown Comedian.

At the April 1st ceremonies, people who love comedy gather to throw tomatoes at the coffin of the Unknown Comedian, listen to a spirited rendition of taps played by an orchestra of kazoos and leave bouquets of rubber chickens on the site.

See you there.