Thursday, February 26, 2004

White Girl Plays that Funky Music

I'm totally hooked on iTunes radio.

As I work today I'm listening to the amazing stylings of the trance-groove-techno-downbeat-urban-bass-jungle-old school-Euro-progressive-psychedelic-hardcore-penguin-electronica-underground-ambient-coq au vin-garage-house-dance Greatest Hits station.

My pad sounds like an expensive scented boutique and gay bar in one!

I adore it.

And the best part is, it's all free!


Yesterday I wondered why Scarlett Johansson was pantless for roughly most of Lost in Translation. What was the larger significance of her peek-a-boo panties in cinematic terms?

In one late scene she rises out of bed wearing naught more than a wife beater and panties. She is chilly and she puts on a long-sleeved cardigan... but she does not make a move to put on pants.

One can only suppose that in Japan, heat does not rise. In Tokyo heat falls and one's nether regions are continually burning hot. This is why they have the tradition of community bathing. It is very important to dip one's squidy bits into water to avoid possible pubic fires. Yes, this is also the reason why Asian peoples evolved to have less body hair.

Well now that I've figured it out, I'll be off now.


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Lost in Translation

I finally saw this movie last night.

Spoiler warning!

I'll tell you what was lost in translation: Scarlett Johansson's pants in almost every scene.

That's it, I must scoot out now to a meeting! Toodles to you poodles!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

The Economy is Improving

From Craigslist, a site I have secured work from many times:

*Job Alert* Get Paid To Kick A Guy In The Balls!

Reply to:
Date: 2004-02-22, 3:28PM EST

Female models wanted in the New York City/Long Island area, for a Jackass
style comedy website. Minimum pay is ten dollars an hour to kick a man in
the balls. Average wages much higher. Schedule is very flexible. Email us at This is not a joke.

Please email us a photo (optional), contact info, and/or general bio, for
1. Tell us a little about yourself? (your height, age, do you have a sense
of humor...)
2. What interests you in the site? (express any ideas, curiosities...)
3. Your physical activity background? (sports, dance, defense, yoga...)
4. You can send a resume, but we prefer non-academic info in relation to
yourself and the site

Leave a day and time that is best to reach you, so that we can set up an

Compensation: $10 -$20 per hour
This is a part-time job.
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
You may contact job poster about other services, products or commercial
Reposting this message elsewhere is OK.
this is in or around Manhattan/Long Island

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Going Dutch

Whenever I go out with someone, I feel most comfortable if we go Dutch.

Clogs, tulips, Oliebollen -- the whole megillah!

Yeah, I got nothing today. Unfortunately the sqrat recently emerged from his trash can in Central Park & saw his shadow. This bodes for 6 more weeks of very little funny.

In other news, I'm appearing at the UCB theater for Hump Night this Wednesday (tomorrow) at 11PM. It's usually a stellar show and it's free as the wind blows, grass grows, FREE.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My Little Piece of Heaven

Some of you know that when I need to shake off the showbiz stink and avoid the flash bulbs of the pappyratsy, I head to my little get away in the country.

But I didn't say which country, did I?

Well here it is, Felber Ranch.

Come visit anytime!

Ever since the Janet Jackson scandal, this blog has been forced to run on a five second delay. Refresh your screen in 5 seconds and witness my stunning off-the-cuff commentary.

If when you refresh you don't see anything new, chances are it was censored because it was deemed too shockingly funny.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Me and my hilarity will be appearing on MTV2

The show tapes this Thursday, but that's all I can say.

Stay tuned for all the exciting details, including a 6-week tutorial on how to actually find MTV2 on your dial.

Dial? What? Isn't that soap?*

*As I want even more on-camera work, I am attempting to create the impression I am not old enough to remember TV's with dials, Teddy Ruxpin or Pac Man Fever. Thanks for your help in this grand deception! Shh!

Thursday, February 05, 2004


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

If you don't have anything to say at all, blog.

Sorry my kitty cat lambiekins, but knee-slapping blog-larity is currently taking a backseat to freelance writing contracts.

I'll be back with my regularly scheduled witty bon mots toot sweet.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Super Bowl Half-Time Show Highlight

Forget Janet's boob, the most surprising and thrilling surprise was Shirley Hemphill back from the dead and going to town on the drums.