Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tobacco Industry Targets Women, Almost Offers Them Fondest Wish

Be the first on your block to wear this ironically!

Story from CNN:

Study: Cigarette makers targeted women

My, the word "targeted" seems so sinister!

Study: Internal documents reveal stuffed animal industry targets babies

Study: Leaked memo indicates icing industry aware of/targeting users who eat straight from the can

Study: Coffee shops nationwide target unemployed hipsters with laptops

But the CNN article contains one truly damning bit of information:

The firms also considered putting appetite suppressants into cigarettes so they could promote them as weight control products, they said.

Bad bad cigarette industry!

How could you come up with such a brilliant idea and not follow through on it?

I honestly don't know how you people sleep at night.

Photo cred: smokingsection.com

Friday, May 27, 2005

Werewolf Blog Ends, Unmasks
& Makes Other Bloggers Jealous

And *I'm* still cater-waitering?

I originally posted the werewolf blog link in November '04.

Linked to it again when my spelling error was called out.

And always kept it on my sidebar.

Today the werewolf announces:

1. The blog is over

2. He is a writer, comedian and real-life Williamsburg video clerk

3. He got a chunk of change when the blog was optioned and...

Well, it's not for me to tell his story, especially when he does it much better.

Go here for the final chapter and link to his full explanation:

Way to go my wolfy friend.

Inside the Bloggers Studio: I met Mr. Werewolf years ago through my very good friend Eris Migliorini. She doesn't have a website. But here's a picture of her, acting n' shit.

Eris acting n' shit.

And here's a review of a short film I was in with Eris:


Boo Film Threat for getting my name wrong.

Susie Ferber? Heaven forefend!

PS Now, if I could only dump this hideous new "what can brown do for you" Victorian UPS blog template, life would be perfect.

Thursday, May 26, 2005



I'm hosting day two of the Home Film Festival tonight. I think it's like Sundance without the skiing, tiresome stars or fear of Redford getting handsy with ya.

Wanna come? There's an after party, but don't know the free food free booze 411. If you do decide to come, just mention my name at the door.

Nyc Home Film Festival
Location: Spider Club
6th ave, at 20th St,Nyc,NY

When: Thursday, May 26, 7:00pm
Event Producer: Dawn C. 917-406-3005

The 6th Semi-Annual NYC Home Film Festival
Presented by Greg Segal

We are Proud to Present a 2-Day Series of Short Films
Including "Acting Class", John Gallagher (Pilot)
Director & Producer, "Cupidity"; Director, "Blue Moon", "The Deli"

The winners from Day 1 and Day 2 will be announced before the after-party on Day 2.
Day 2 - Thursday, May 26

Spider Club (212) 807-7780
Address: 622 6th Ave, corner of 20th St., NYC

7pm Screening begins, showing 11 short Films
Followed by Closing Awards Ceremony & After-Party!

Non-competitive viewing of "The Package", & "Acting Class".
Film Nominees:
“How to Stand In Line for Star Wars”, “Salute”, “Six Floor of Pure Glass”, “Two Men”, “The Melding”, “The Last Laugh”, “Twitch”, “Winning Yesterday”, “Weights and Measures”, “The Day of the Grackle”, “A Twist of Comfort”

PS what it says on the Spider Club write up on the NYT web:

For the more sedate and chosen few, there is also the members-only Spider Club which, according to the blurb, is located "somewhere between the first smile ever recorded on a human face and your last laugh," but can be reached through a private entrance on 20th Street. This sharp space, featuring a cozy back-lit lounge and small dance floor, is a second home to models and high rollers, but manages to maintain the intimate feel of a fun and slightly rowdy lounge bar.

High rollers? Models? I should fit right in.

PPS I'm aware this NYC hot spot review might be from 50 BC

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Fabulous new blog

Check out this fabulous new blog!

It's so hilarious, savvy and other good things.

And it's new!

Did I mention hilarious?

How about savvy?

OK then.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

PS Will blogger ever get the memo to include the word "blog" in their spell check? Or even, if only for self-serving marketing purposes, the word "blogger"? Just wondering.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

War, UH, what is it good for?

It's good for this:


But my Stan is not doing very well.

Could it be my Stan is not very cute? That he is, in fact, ugly?

Or is it that all other internet users are, in fact, blind?

The latter. For sure. Yep.

UPDATE: Sometimes I hate the web, especially when it points out how unoriginal I am. After posting this, I checked Technorati for stats on linkage to Puppy War and found this post with an eerily familiar title.

Great minds think alike? Small minds think alike? Place your bets.

Monday, May 23, 2005

An Open Letter to Food & Wine Magazine

Dear Food & Wine Magazine,

Your recent article on kitchen garden goddess, Seen Lipart, disturbed me.

If she is a goddess, why would she need her "parterre shaped by laser"?

I would think that as a goddess, she could harness the power of Zeus. I mean, even a demigod should have the ability to trim hedges, no?

There were other things that seem to not jibe with her being a goddess:

She lives in Greenwich, Connecticut -- not on Mount Olympus!

Her vast powers seem to stem not from a divine birth, but from an advantageous 2nd marriage to a former president and CEO of a global commercial satellite company.

But then again, maybe she IS a goddess. Check this:

"Her vegetables were picked only an hour ago, a hundred yards from the table, but their journey began last winter, when Lippert combed through seed catalogs, tracking down heirloom varieties, like French Breakfast radishes, for her gardens."

Wow. She ordered seeds. From many different catalogs... Now I feel bad that I took her for a stinking filthy rich blonde second wife who had her 9 acre estate LANDSCAPED DESIGNED AND MAINTAINED WITH A FREAKIN' LASER.

But maybe I'm just not a fan of fawning profiles of goddesses. Maybe I'm crazy-ass jealous? Maybe I'm scared that when the revolution comes, they're going to take her type down first?

In any event, please cancel my subscription.

Oh, I don't have a subscription?

Then, I dunno... have a nice day!


Your Pal,


PS I liked that the photo with your feature "Chefs Gone Wild" featured the hottest young chef's ass squarely in the middle of the photo.

Now Serving: Young Tender Chef Meat

But I felt bad for the other chef's who look miserable on their ATV's, because they weren't deemed hot enough to show off their rumps. Maybe next time you should have these chefs do an activity that involves some exercise? Or maybe tell the hot chef to tone it down a bit?

"Hey, Mr. thinks-he's-so-hot Chef -- if I wanted cheesecake, I woulda ordered it!"

"Save it for yer centerfold in Bon Appetit, sweet cheeks!"


Thursday, May 19, 2005



So sorry I haven't had the chance to explain that pic of Paris Hilton's rump. Been busy. Tonight I'm doing comedy and doing good, all at once. Great line-up. Tix are only $15, $12 if you buy them online. Come on down if you can.

11th Charity Comedy Jam on Behalf of Art Start!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
8:00 - 10:00 pm
The Zipper Theater
336 West 37th Street between 8th & 9th Avenues
****Doors Open at 7:30pm****

The event will feature New York’s hottest comedians including:

Judy Gold: Gregarious host of HBO’s “At the Multiplex with Judy Gold” and a regular on Comedy Central’s “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn” and “ Hollywood Squares.” Also hosted “100 Greatest Stand-ups of all time” on Comedy Central and often seen gabbing with the girls on “The View.”

Erin Foley: Featured comic on Comedy Central’s “Premium Blend” and appeared in the movie “Almost Famous.”

Rusty Ward: Seen on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend and currently getting ready for a second run of his highly lauded one-man show Brawl - a history of every fight he’s ever been in.

Leo Allen: Writer for "Saturday Night Live," and "Late Night with Conan O' Brien."

Susie Felber: Copy jockey for Court TV and contributor to US Weekly's Fashion Police. She has written and produced for ComedyCentral.com, Lifetime and ABC Development. Felber has also appeared on MTV2, Oxygen and multiples times on “Late Night with Conan O'Brien.”

Andres DuBouchet: Featured on “Late Night With Conan O'Brien" and "Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn."

***$3 Beer Specials Available All Evening***

Tickets are $12 in advance; $15 at the door, so buy yours NOW at http://www.acteva.com/go/oyfp

About Art Start
The purpose of Art Start is to value and nurture the voices of hearts and minds of under-served children and teenagers and help them transform their lives through the creative process. Art Start uses a multi-disciplined approach to arts education that is centered on the kids and their interests, and equips them with learning, creating and communicating skills. Art Start instills in our kids the confidence to pursue meaningful opportunities to share their ideas and dreams. Offered in a nurturing environment, Art Start’s programs challenge each child to develop his or her inner gifts and acquire tools to succeed in life. Go to www.art-start.org for more details.

About On Your Feet Project
On Your Feet Project (OYFP) is a national nonprofit organization dedicated to engaging people in community service and activism by educating them about diverse organizations and creating opportunities for direct community involvement. To learn more, go to www.oyfp.org.

Monday, May 16, 2005

I hate begonias

There. I said it.

Walking today on 39th street I saw a patch of begonias and thought, "I hate begonias."

To find a picture of a begonia I found the American begonia Society. Let's take a look at the aims and purposes of the American Begonia Society:

Aims and Purposes

To stimulate and promote interest in begonias and other shade-loving plants.

No. But I'll admit you almost got me with the enticing "other shade-loving plants" jazz.

To encourage the introduction and development of new types of these plants.

No. Although I'll admit I'm often impressed with the ability of begonias to look like they're fake, yet dying. Waxy leaves, pitiful little blooms -- I say to hell with 'em!

To standardize the nomenclature of begonias.

Go crazy, but I'll not have any part of it.

To gather and publish information in regard to kinds, propagation, and culture of begonias and companion plants.

Oh I get it, the first one is free, right? Well luckily begonias are too hideous to hook even the most far gone plant addict.

To issue a bulletin that will be mailed to all members of the society.

Whoa whoa whoa! Are you aware that'll set you back nearly 80 cents?!

To bring into friendly contact all who love and grow begonias.

Bad idea, ABS. Studies have shown that if people have friendly contact with other humans, they cease to love and grow begonias.

So in conclusion, screw begonias.


What the? What the hell is that?

Find out tomorrow...

Is that Paris Hilton's ass?

Not telling.

It is, I think that's Paris Hilton's ass!

Oh come on, don't give it away.

OK. I won't give away that that is most certainly Paris Hilton and her ass in House of Wax.


No problem. Just explain this tomorrow, K?

No doubt my imaginary muchacho!

You have imaginary friends... are you sure you don't like begonias?

What are you implying???

I was just... nevermind.

I mean, it is nice that they grow in the shade and... oh no! Am I a closeted begonia lover?

What? Sorry, wasn't listening. I'm distracted by Paris Hilton's bum.

OK then, find out tomorrow... when Stray Pride will have less ABS, and more PHB!


Paris Hilton's Bum.

Oh, right. Fabu.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Extreme Makeover: Dog Edition

"Hi, I'm Stan. My turn ons are rolling in bear crap, rolling in deer crap, and rolling in bear crap. My turn offs are people who don't like me to roll in bear crap."

"It's Stanley, dahling. And thank you, I love my new look. I feel like Mini-Me to a pit bull. But I'll tell you the cut is merciless dahling...it shows off every extra Snausage! Time to get back on the Science Diet, but my owner gives me liverwurst, sweetie, and try as I may (but I don't) I can not resist. Yes, my owner... she has a charming quality of insouciance, no? And by insouciance, I mean she should really dress a little bit less like Punky Brewster on a bender. I'm sorry dahling, but in this world we are judged by what is on the other side of the leash! If my owner is going to flounce around in Salvation Armani, Hilary Swank's dog will talk and we all know she can be a bee-yotch. And furthermore, woof. Woof to infinity dahling, and there's nothing higher than infinity. Not even infinity plus woof."

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

New Yorker Caption Contest Part Deux

Another week, another caption of mine that didn't make it to the semi finals...


"I really think this company is going places. Specifically, Brooklyn."

That was mine.

Go here and see the ones that made it.

Oh poo.

This is very bad for my ego. I've gone from having a super enormous giant teflon mega ego, to merely having a very large yet shapely ego.


Friday, May 06, 2005

Hawk it to me!

Felber's picture hint of the day: If you really want to look like
a hunchback, simply outstretch your arm and take a pic of yourself while
atop a tower.

I'm hosting this lovely little show in midtown:

No Relation Comedy
Friday, MAY 6 @ 8PM
Jack Demsey's
36 W. 33rd Street (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
MC Susie Felber plus Dave Konig, Jamie Roberts, Garry Leavy, Jane Campbell, Blaine, Christian Finnegan <-- from VH1’s BWE, Comedy Central Presents:Christian Finnegan & Chapelle’s Show!

Then, I am off to a party filled with celebrities.

Then tomorrow morn I am going upstate to buy shrubbery such as viburnum and then plant stuff and get covered in mud and go snooping for antiques with my mom and cook rustic cassoulet's and... hey, where are you going?

Next time I'll just stick to the part about the celebrities, eh?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Susie de Mayo

Can you believe I made this whimsical photo montage all by myself?

Come see me perform live tonight at a great downtown spot:
No Hitting Comedy Show - Cinco de Mayo!
Mickey's Blue Room
171 Ave C (bet. 10th & 11th)
Take the F to second ave
or the L to 1st
Only a measley 3 bucks!

Con los talentos de Pat Candaras, Bobby Tisdale, Susie Felber, Jack Kukoda, Nick Stevens, Y sus favoritos manejando todo esa mierda, Becky Donohue y Jeff Mac.

I'll be MC'ing at this lovely little show in midtown:

No Relation Comedy
Friday, MAY 6 @ 8PM
Jack Demsey's
36 W. 33rd Street (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.)
MC Susie Felber plus Dave Konig, Jamie Roberts, Garry Leavy, Jane Campbell, Blaine, Christian Finnegan
<-- from VH1’s BWE, Comedy Central Presents:Christian Finnegan & Chapelle’s Show!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

My Stan.

No Photoshop. No retouching. 100% pure Muttastic.


"Bad dog! Put down my femur!"

Monday, May 02, 2005

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

I entered this two weeks running thanks to a heads up from a friend and fellow comedian.

This was the first week's cartoon.


I had two captions.

The one I sent in:

"I love science Jenkins, and love makes you do stupid, crazy things"

The one I almost sent in, but did not:

"I was tired of living a lie."

Today, they have the semi-finalists up from the first contest and you can vote for your favorite.

As you can see, I was not among the chosen people.

With all due respect, I think both of mine were 100% funnier.* Feel free to start a letter writing campaign on my behalf.

Or simply check back every week as this professional writer and comedian shares her losing entries with you. What better way is there to wile away the time than seeing her enormous ego being battered? I think the best part will be the progress of my downward spiral as I become disturbingly more bitter as a parade of lame captions are selected. Fun!

*To be honest, I think mine were funnier to infinity. And as we all know, there's nothing higher than infinity, not even infinity plus one.**

**I am aware that mathematicians might get all up in my jock about my take on this infinity business. Yet another reason I'm glad I don't have a comments section.***

***And anyway, I think marine biologists and physicists are way hotter than mathematicians. That's why you'll never see me getting all cocky about the burn point of whale blubber or waxing sarky about the whipping up of particles. Um... particle whipping. sexy.****

****To me, people, to me!*****

*****Drat it all! All the fantasizing in the world about hot physicists -- and I will need to fantasize because I could not find any pics of hot scientists -- will not dull the pain of losing the New Yorker caption contest. Oh the humanity!******

******Who's more bored with this post, you or me?*******

*******No idea. It's a lose/lose situation really.********

********I would buy an iPod today if iTunes had a recording of Irene Cara singing "Here's to the Losers" at The 58th Annual Academy Awards (1986). Just saying.