From the archives: Susie Felber interviews brewmaster Garret Oliver

I wrote up this interview as part of the promotion for the video game I co-wrote called Last Call. It was a CD-ROM and you can read about it on Wikipedia: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Last_Call_(video_game)

This interview is a snapshot in the WayBack Machine here. As part of my quest to see how much of I've written still exists — answer, not that much, maybe 5% of my total output? You'll see some of my dead wood links at the top of this article like Digital Cities... forgot I wrote for that — I'm bringing it back here. And yes, Oliver is the one who introduced me to the term "slow food" — either it wasn't well known in 2000, or I was just plum ignorant. I wish there were more pics of the inside. It was so basic. We spoke in a raw concrete tasting room space with some long crappy plastic tables, but maybe my memory is dim.

I've cleaned up two typos that were in the original, and added contextual links, but other than that, it's straight copy/paste. I'm sure Last Call creator John Cutler wouldn't mind, and actually, from this I looked to see what he's up to and I didn't realize he has a product dev Substack with over 60K subscribers called The Beautiful Mess. You go, Cutler!

Anyway, enjoy you people I'm imagining might find this! —Susie

Shooting the Hops with Brooklyn Brewery's famed brewmaster Garret Oliver by Susie Felber Check Susie out at: >digital city >Comedy Central w/The Kids in the Hall >Comedy Central - Karma Central >Mr. Showbiz >Oxygen
	One recent rainy afternoon, Last Call creator John Cutler and I sloshed over to The Brooklyn Brewery. “The” Brooklyn Brewery, indeed. Once upon a time there were many breweries in Brooklyn, now, it’s the only one. We went to talk with brewmaster Garrett Oliver. As brewmaster, Garrett creates and oversees the production of all of Brooklyn’s beer. Garrett has written about beer for All About Beer, Cigar Afficionado and other publications. He judges beers, founded the New York Area Small Brewers’ Guild, and is also co-author of The Good Beer Book, published by Berkeley Press.
As if that weren’t enough, Garrett joined the Brooklyn Brewery in 1994 and designed the brewhouse we were sitting in. The brewhouse was unexpectedly beautiful. The outside is a pale yellow, with some seriously charming brick exposure. We entered and met Garrett in their party room, which can hold up to 300 people. We were surrounded by bags of malt from all over the world, neatly lining the walls. What really surprised us was how clean the place was. We were a stone’s throw from where all the beer is made; yet it smelled less like beer than your average bar. Before the interview commenced, Garrett poured John and I large cups of Blanche De Brooklyn. This is their Belgian white beer that uses coriander seed, Curacao orange peel, and Garrett’s secret blend of spices. After one sip we forgot all about the rain outside, and were warmed to the gills inside. Garrett is enthusiastic, knowledgeable, and way eloquent. We learned a lot and we got tipsy. So why not join in? Pour yourself a tall one right now while you get to know Garrett Oliver, brewmaster extraordinaire. LC: Wow! This is lovely. Give us an idea of what goes on here. GO: We have tours on Sat, Friday night happy hour from 6 to 10pm, and this space is used for everything. Weddings, concerts, serious dinners. We also have art exhibits here. This is the largest arts community in the United States. We have about 8,000 artists within the square mile around here. Or at least people who file their tax returns as “artist” - LC Instead of “waitress”…. GO: (laughs) Yeah, exactly. LC: So are you originally from Brooklyn? GO: I’m originally from Hollis, Queens. But I live in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn LC: And how long have you been with Brooklyn Brewery? GO: Since 1994. The brewery actually started in 1988, but it started out as what is called a “contract brewery”, which means you have your own recipes, etc.. But you have someone else produce the beer because you don’t have a brewery. People here always wanted to have a brewery but they’d seen what had happened to New Amsterdam. You might not remember, but they opened up a brewery in 1985, and it went out of business in six months. LC: Why do you think that happened? Was there not a lot of interest at that point? Was it poorly run? GO: No, a combination of things. But it was too much too soon. The equipment is extremely expensive. If you try to build a brewery first and then get the brand off the ground, it takes a long time to build up enough sales so that you can start to pay for the equipment. Contract brewing started as a way for people to get their beer out there, and then once they had the wherewithal to build their own brewery, they could do it in a prudent fashion. Which is what happened here. LC: So the Brooklyn brewery was started in 1994? GO: They brought me on to built it, and bring out all the new beers. When I came there were only two beers. Brooklyn Lager and Brooklyn Brown Ale. So I redeveloped those two and… LC: Isn’t it exciting to have been here from the beginning of the brewery? GO: Yeah it is. I wouldn’t say it was a ground floor kind of thing. I mean, they were around for six years before I was here. LC: When, or how did you become a brewmaster? GO: At the Manhattan Brewing Company, I started as an apprentice and worked my way up to brewmaster in a few years. That was a fun place. LC: And we read you left a law firm to become the apprentice? GO: Yeah, it was a cushy job! I had a window office on the 52nd floor of what was then the Pan Am Building. In fact, a bunch of people who are here now left good jobs to do this. LC: So what made you leave the law firm? What happened? You’re too young for a mid-life crisis… GO: Ha! I wouldn’t be too sure about that! Well, I WAS too young then, anyway. Basically, brewing is what I wanted to do. My degree is in film, actually. I did that for awhile, but I figured out I didn’t have the fire in the belly to max out 200 credit cards to make my magnum opus… and that’s the kind of drive it takes to do that. LC: Right, but how does that lead to brewing? GO: I came to home brewing as a hobby. I lived in England for a year. That is when I really got to love beer. In England beer had flavor and personality. Your average English person gets to the pub, and even if they never think of themselves as a beer fan, the first thing they talk about is how the beer was today; “Oh, that’s a nice pint in’it?” LC: We have a lot of friends who are English, and we’ve got to tell you, this is the beer they like to drink when they come to town. You guys got some cred with all our European friends. Sorry, go on… GO: No, it’s always nice to hear! I hadn’t paid attention to beer before England. And when I got back, in 1984, there was nothing to drink. You went to your average deli and it was: Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light. Maybe there would be some stale Bass and some dusty bottles of Guinness in a corner and that was it. LC: You’ve got the art space here, the events. Was being involved with the community one of the things you all envisioned at first? GO: Yeah because we want to be a part of the community, not just something that sets down here and feeds off the community. I don’t know if you’ve been to any of our block parties… LC: No! You have them here in Williamsburg? GO: There’s one coming up May 20th. Right out in front of the brewery. We have thousands of people here. We put up a big stage. We have bands. It’s solid people from one end of the block to the other. People out with their kids… it’s a great atmosphere. Very Local. This whole thing harkens back to the turn of the century when there were 48 breweries in Brooklyn. Prohibition shut down the breweries, and when they came back, they thought people were willing to drink anything. LC: Now you’re the only one in Brooklyn. GO: Yup. And back in the old days everybody knew their guy who made the bread, their guy who roasted the coffee, and they knew their brewers. What’s cool is now when I walk down the street, and everybody knows, I’m their brewer! If I see a place that has a Brooklyn light, I walk in and introduce myself and ask how they like it. LC: You’re working on a very local level, and yet, you guys are a rather large operation. GO: We’re as far north as Massachusetts and as far South as North Carolina. If I go somewhere they don’t have us, I go in there and – LC: convince them, right? GO: Right. LC: When did you write The Good Beer Book? GO: I wrote the book at about the same time we were building this. Which was not a fun thing. The two things just happened to fall together at the same time. Someone talked me into doing another book. It’ll be about how beer goes with fine food and travel. I’m involved with Slow Food International. LC: Slow food? GO: As opposed to fast food. LC: Got it. GO: It’s a big thing. 60,000 members worldwide. They’re looking to preserve world wide food culture. Today people say they don’t have time to make good food, and yet they’ll plunk down and snack in front of the TV for hours. Slow Food kind of a hedonistic pleasure based organization. And you know, Beer is food. And we’re bringing back styles of beer that haven’t been brewed in ages. LC: Very nice. So how much beer is brewed here? GO: We’re adding equipment right over there that will increase our production by 50 percent. We’re growing at a rapid pace, by about 25 percent a year. Now we’re turning out 1000 kegs a month. Last year Brooklyn Brewery turned out about 32,000 barrels of beer. To give you some idea: a barrel is 31 gallons, a standard keg is a half-barrel. LC: Wow! GO: But actually that’s pretty small compared to say, Anheuser-Bush. They put out about 90 million barrels a year. But the famous Peter Luger Steak House goes through a large amount of our beer, as do the ESPN Sports Zone guys - who were here just before you came. Columbia business school goes through a HUGE amount of Brooklyn Beer, which I think they’re quite proud of (laughs). LC: Was there a time when it was tough going? GO: Oh yeah. It never stops being tough going, to a certain extent. There’s not a huge amount of money for advertising. We sell on word of mouth and the quality of the product. All of the money goes into making a superior product, which hopefully, people will buy because they like it. We don’t sell by saturation advertising… LC: Like most beers with their girls in bikini’s… GO: Though we did make Baby Tee’s last year, so — LC: Alright! Woo! GO: It wasn’t even our idea. It was because a lot of bartenders were asking for them. LC: Well, your logo IS cool. Other than pure reputation, how do you get your beers into bars? (Fun fact: Brooklyn’s label was done by world renowned designer, Milton Glaser, best known for the "I Love NY" logo.) GO: We have a sales force, and actually there’s two parts to Brooklyn Brewery. There are the Brooklyn brands, and then there’s the Craft Brewers Guild, which is our distribution arm. We started distributing our own beer back in 1990 because nobody else would distribute it. You went to the major distribution houses who have Heineken and whatever else, and they were like, “What the hell is this? We don’t know what it is and we don’t want it.” So we started distributing our own beer. Then other microbrewers started coming to us saying “we’re having the same problem, could you please distribute us too?”. It kind of snowballed from there. We now carry 300 plus brands available through us. LC: So what’s a typical day like? You’re not creating a new beer every single day, though that would be cool. GO: Recipes are the fun creative part. But another part is getting the recipes where you want them and keeping them there. It’s a natural process. You have natural ingredients, and natural ingredients change. You’ve got to have an idea in your mind what the beer is supposed to taste like and go with it. Of course, in your mind, no beer is ever “perfect”, unless you’re an idiot. Everyday is your new attempt to make it perfect. Things are always being tweaked, so it never gets boring. When I come in the morning, my two assistants and I start the brewing process – the mash – we mill in the grains for the next day, we’re filtering another beer, we’re cleaning tanks. We’re all doing three or four things at once. I’m doing Lab work. LC: Lab work? GO: Lab work. Making sure there’s nothing in there but our yeast, so that the beer doesn’t spoil. It’s hard work. You’re getting burned, you’re getting wet, we’re carrying hoses… but it has to be done. A lot of the work isn’t glamorous. LC: So what’s your favorite beer you make? You can reveal it… GO: I don’t have a single favorite. It depends on what mood I’m in, where I am. If I were at the beach it’d be something like this (pointing to our Blanche). In front of a fire in wintertime it would be Black Chocolate Stout or a Monster. If I’m just out sitting in the grass I might like to have a German style Wheat beer. It depends. LC: Did you ever make a beer where the minute you created it you were like, “ohmigawd”, this is IT. GO: Well, Black Chocolate Stout was pretty exciting. It’s still, in some ways, our most famous beer. I think people hadn’t encountered anything like it. It’s stout at eight and a half- percent alcohol, but people really liked it. Standard beer is four and half to five percent alcohol. It was a real gamble, but it was almost like my resume for coming to Brooklyn Brewery. LC: So what does your family think of the course you’ve taken – from big law firm to brewmaster? GO: Oh they think it’s great – now. When I was still living in my mom’s house covering her stove with a sticky mess, she might’ve thought differently. Now the only thing my mom wouldn’t like is if I’m on TV and forget to tell her. LC: Any previews of your upcoming beers? GO: Our first new beer will be Octoberfest. It’s the first time we’re doing that. We’re using all German malt, all German hops. It’s a great style of beer and even the Germans have dumbed down their Octoberfest a bit. We want to make it the way I tasted it 15 years ago. LC: It seems to us you like your job. GO: I LOVE my job! Most days… Copyright ©2000 CutlerCreative, LLC. All rights reserved. Click here for an Important Notice.

24 Plays Hoboken script from 2024

I'm just putting up my produced plays since this ancient blog still exists, might as well put them here. This one from 2024.

Bidding War by Susie Felber

Directed by Michael Schriralli

Written for the 24 Hour Plays Hoboken

Performed April 7, 2024 at the Mile Square Theatre in Hoboken, NJ

Article about the first-ever 24 Hour Plays in NJ here on newjerseystage.com. Note: The earthquake struck April 5, 2024. The play was written overnight on April 6 and performed the next day.

JAY is played by JASON YANTO

NADIA is played by STEPHANIE KURTZUBA

CLAIRE is played by DANIELIA COTTON

BEN is played by ROSS COWAN

Bidding War

By Susie Felber

Stage black. Jay enters from the audience yelling/freaking out... running

down the stairs.

Jay

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

We see Claire pause and stop — just about to enter from the side doorway onstage

Claire

No! It can’t be...

Jay

AHHHHHH LOVE IT!

Nadia follows from the back of the theater...

Nadia

I knew you would, Jay!

Jay

Nadia you are the realtor of my dreams! Oh! Does the living room convert into a pickleball court!?

Nadia

Yes! New law in Hoboken — all rooms must double as pickleball court — or

dog run.

Jay

(takes out phone)

I’m going on Petfinder right now to get a dog!

Nadia

(to Claire)

Sorry Miss....?

Claire

Claire!

Nadia

Yes Claire you have been outbid on this luxury condo. Bye bye!

Jay

Ooooh! “Sparky” is a Jack Russell mix only 1.5 miles from Hoboken...

Claire

Outbid? What? He just got here.

Nadia

He’s clearly about to bid. I am realtor. Long time. I can smell bids.

Claire

(completely falling apart, crying in anguish)

No!! No no noooo!! I love this condo! Nooooo!

Jay

(rolling on the carpet and/or getting up to lovingly touch the contents of the

room, he’s super chirpy)

You know what I love about this place?

Nadia

My little commission flower...tell me.

Jay

It’s new. So new! You don’t need to worry about other people’s disgusting

germs or think about decay and death. NEW.

(Ben enters wearing a robe from the side door quite fast)

Ben

What the hell is going on here?

Nadia

(to Ben)

They about to have bidding war.

Claire

Vano è l'amorese non c'è fortuna! Love is in vain if luck isn't there!

I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

(Claire produces a wooden sword from her coat/pants/wherever. And starts

to get a crazed look to go after Jay. Jay is frightened and freezes. Nadia

produces a sword and throws it to Jay. They start to circle each other and

maybe jab.)

Ben

Hang on! There’s got to be a mistake. My name’s Ben. And If I look

familiar...

Claire

(still focused on Jay but glances to Ben)

You do look very familiar...

Ben

— well I’m a finance bro, but you may know my work — I often appear on

the “Are We Dating the Same Guy Jersey City/Hoboken” Facebook group.

Claire

You’re — the ghost king!

Ben

Currently “dating” 43 women, yep!

Jay

I love your work. It’s an honor to meet you.

Ben

Well anyway I bought this place. Bought it back when it was — just an

empty lot. Before it went up.

Nadia

When was that?

Ben

Yesterday!

Jay

They go up so fast! There’s no problematic or creepy history! I loooooove it!

Everyone freezes and shakes/grabs onto furniture but Ben loses his

balance and falls flat.

Nadia

That is the Ramapo fault simulator.

Ben

Yeah — that was a big draw for me. I was driving in Weehawken on

Friday... thought it was just potholes... totally missed the earthquake.

Claire

So you bought this condo.

Ben

Yes... I bought this condo — apartment 2D in the —

Claire & Jay

HOBOKEN GRAND LUXURY TEA BAGGING COVE LOFTS

Ben & Claire & Jay

(together reciting the marketing materials as if in a trance maybe all with

similar/mirror hand motions)

COME EXPERIENCE LIFE ON THE HUDSON AS YOU HAVE NEVER

DONE BEFORE.

HOBOKEN GRAND LUXURY TEA BAGGING COVE LOFTS! TOTALLY

NOT LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER BORING-ASS BUILDINGS THAT IT

LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE. BECAUSE NEW! NEW! NEW!

Nadia

(to audience)

Personally, not for me. I call them “sky coffins” — but “luxury condos”

seems to sell better.

Ben

Yes. And I am not. moving. out. I already have my two curling irons and my

disco mushroom here.

Claire

Oh yeah? Well the ghost king may become a real ghost real fast...

Ben has the curling irons on him or nearby to grab. A wonderful absurd

fight scene of three people ensues, maybe in slow motion? Between Ben

with his curling irons, Claire, and Jay. At some point the disco mushroom is

picked up and used as a weapon. Weapons fall and get recovered... Pick is

Nessun Dorma from Pucchini.... Nadia is bored, just looking at her nails and clipboard

while they fight. But then they all suddenly freeze and shake but more than before.

Jay

The Ramapo fault simulator!

Nadia

That no simulator! That real Ramapo fault!

All

EARTHQUAKE!

(Ben tumbles forward and stabs Nadia, accidentally, Nadia goes into a wild

big comedic death spiral holding the sword to wherever she is stabbed.

When she does, the others stop fighting, to watch. She dies. They all stare

at her lifeless body)

Claire

You know. This is a big place.

Jay

And NEW...

Ben

Roommates?

Claire

Jay, you go pick up Sparky...

Jay

Yas! BRB. Start pickleball without me!

(They high five/whatever)

(Lights out)

FIN

Tech notes from Susie:

Props: Disco mushroom, the two curling irons, the two wooden swords, one of the

fancier robes for a man (long maybe red velvet or the blue one?), cellphone (the

actors?), clipboard or folder with papers for the realtor to consult. For Nadia: black

leather mid length coat with black fur collar and cuffs. Maybe the Red Perry Ferrel

Hat for Nadia too? And the Leopard slippers for Ben if not too small for him.

Lights/Sounds:

Sound: Music for slow motion fight scene - I would LOVE Nessun Dorma – Puccini

I went to the opera alone this week... saw it live at the Met and that aria is quite

meaningful to me now!

Lights: Simple lights up/down and some sort of shift / effects for big fight scene.

Then dramatic for end scene.

Note for director: Nadia has a Russian accent.

If the line in Italian is too hard, just cut the Italian and use the English.

“In the Cards” 

24 Hour Plays Viral Monologues

A remote performance on YouTube

February 16, 2021

Written by Susie Felber

Performed by Julia Prud'homme

Onscreen text:  Jenny D. LIVE Tarot | SEE yr FUTURE

Hey guys! Welcome to my live tarot cast. I’m Jenny—a psychic medium and intuitive life coach. You guys send questions, I pull cards and tell you what’s what. Readings are free, but tips are always appreciated. 

OK lots of questions coming in… Vera from Florida. Love it there by the way… Maybe it’s the sunshine. Or that hot boat tour guy I pulled into a porta potty by the docks, but that was life pre-COVID, amiright? OK. 

Vera asks, “Why does my husband seem disinterested in me these days?” OK good question, Vera. Let’s pull the cards, honey. Did you send a PayPal tip? No? OK. 

Card numero uno… the Strength card. Now the Strength card means you are going to need all of your resources to get through a tough time. How tough? Like he might have a secret family, tough. Let's pull another card… oh the Page of Pentacles… The page has a dish… like he’s bringing bad news on a platter. Let’s pull one final card, shall we? OK so now it’s… oh my god… it’s THE THREE OF SWORDS. Yeah that’s heartbreak, suffering, and an extra big helping of grief. Now I keep two swords with me right here, see? See these swords? Just to show you how very serious they are. Imagine these babies raining down on you, now imagine them plus one more heading straight for your tits. Yeah, it’s that bad. I’m thinking maybe he has 3 secret families. I’m not saying you should divorce him… I’m strongly implying it. 

OK let’s shuffle the deck. Besides the swords here, I have pentacles too, but last time I showed my pentacles I got kicked off Facebook for a good long while if you know what I mean. 

OK next question from Charles. Thank you honey for sending me the PayPal. OK Charles has a husband who died and he wants to know if he'll find love again. Let’s pull the card and… the Queen of swords! Oh Charles, you won’t just find love, it will hit you so hard it’ll be like the queen’s sword just shaves the grief off your dick like a cheese plane. A cheese plane… it’s like a peeler, but for cheese. 

OK there’s time for one more reading. Who’s up? OK Aliecia. Hi sweetheart. OK Alecia says, “My boyfriend kept trying to come back but you told me not to let him back thank you so much.” Oh honey that’s great. Now Alecia asks, “Will I find happiness this year?” OK, Alecia didn’t send a PalPal tip, that’s ok. But let’s see... I pulled the cards and we have: the Hermit. The Fool. And the 10 of Swords. So Alecia honey. You are gonna be alone, forever, because you’re insane, and there will be so many swords, plunged into your back. Oh hang on, Alecia, thanks for the Venmo. I missed that before and—OH OK see, the Hermit, Fool and 10 of swords were actually reversed. Yeah so reversed? Cards say you’re never gonna be alone, and you’re nobody’s fool, and all those swords? BOOM! It’s like the clouds have these ultra powerful sword magnets and they are pulling them up away from your bloodied back… wow. That’s great.

OK my Christmas cactus is telling me it’s time to wrap it up. Those who know me know I not only communicate with the dead, but with plants (succulents, mostly) and small dogs, so hit me up for a private reading, smash that subscribe button, and remember—cards don’t lie!

Unreality Bites

By Susie Felber

Written & performed 3/3/2017at the Signature Theater NYC
as part of the 24 Hour Plays 
Bennington College Alumni Spencer Cox benefit

Writer: Susie Felber

Director: Paul Cello

Brandie Nicole Wilson – Jane

Laurel Johnson – Mindy

Andrew Plimpton – Brandon

Nick DiLeonardi – Count Tackula

Props: Rooster head, Tape roll, Smoking jacket red side out (for Nick), animal claw, clipboard

Stage black. We hear a woman, Jane, yell “NOOOOO!”

Jane

(arrives breathless)

Mindy — stop!

Mindy

(holding a pen and clipboard)

Stop? Jane — what are you doing here?

Jane

Don’t sign. That. Lease. 

Mindy

Oh seriously, sis. It’s not that bad. 

Jane

It is that bad. Put the pen down.

Mindy

What? Is it because this place looks like the piano bar of the damned? Or like Beauty divorced Beast, and she took him for everything, and he hasn’t had a chance to go shopping at Ikea yet?

Jane

Yes, it does… but that’s not it.

Mindy

Bottom line: it’s in Manhattan, and together, Brandon and I can afford it.

Brandon enters. He’s looking around, running his hands on the bar. 

Brandon

(looking around and marveling)

Exposed brick. It’s like the outdoors — is in! 

Mindy

Don’t you love the floors? Oh look, there are outlets! I can dry my hair standing in the middle of the room!

Brandon

Sweet! Oooh, does the chandelier stay? Fan-say!

Jane

I don’t care if the chandelier stays. He must go.

Mindy

Oh please! You’ve never liked any of my boyfriends. 

Jane

No this is different. 

(Jane points)

He. Is. A. Werewolf.

Mindy

(shocked)

A werewolf? 

…I was afraid you’d tell me he was a vegan.

Brandon

I love you, babe.

Jane

I’m serious.

Mindy

How do you know he’s a werewolf?

Jane

His Twitter bio says “I’m a werewolf. Get crazy once a month, but proudly rampage-free for 5 years.”

Brandon

You forgot I also say “retweets are not endorsements.” That’s important.

Mindy

OK, yeah, once a month I tape him down, throw some live chickens in, and – go get a pedicure. No big whoop! 

Jane

You knew!? Knew he was a — werewolf!

Brandon

Well, I prefer the term “lunar-challenged” but… guilty as charged! So what? There’s nothing in the lease that says no werewolves. (He howls long and hard) 

Jane

Look sis, you are putting yourself in grave danger…

Mindy

Sorry but I know Brandon. He’s not like other werewolves. 

Brandon

Aw… That’s right. I’m super careful not to bite or scratch her. 

Jane

Do you like making love to a man who wears mittens?

Mindy

Everyone needs to use protection

Nick enters he’s wearing the red smoking jacket and munching on the rooster head. Wipes his arm across his mouth and chucks the head and says, “Ahhh!”

Count Tackula

Yo, bro, what’s up? 

Jane

Who is this?

Nick and Andrew do a howl and an elaborate hand slap-type greeting

Count Tackula

I’ve known this guy since he was a pup. He headlocks him and affectionately “noogies” his head with his fist. Hey, bro, I saved you the best part.

Nick pulls the claw out of his jacket and offers it to Andrew. Andrew high fives, goes to snack on it like jerky.

Jane

(backing away)

You’re a werewolf too…

Count Tackula

Ha! A werewolf? Seriously? I guess I need a shave. No, no, not a werewolf. 

Jane

Oh. Sorry. I assumed…

Count Tackula

I’m a vampire.

Jane

Ohmygod.

Mindy

When he wears that jacket we call him “Count Tack-ula.”

Everyone but Brandie laughs

Count Tackula

(to Jane)

If Mindy had dated me, she wouldn’t be looking at rentals. (he looks around, does his best Bette Davis) What a dump!  We vampires, if you haven’t noticed, always have sweet pads. 

Mindy

If only I didn’t find satin and velvet a turn off. Jane here though… she’s a real night owl.

Count Tackula

You don’t say? So Jane, I vant to suck your blood. You vant to suck anything of mine?

Jane

You disgust me.

Count Tackula

Your eyes say no, but your neck says yes yes… 

Jane

Ugh. 

Mindy

Leave her alone, Tackula. 

Count Tackula

(angry)

Oh really? She treats me like some common zombie, and I’m supposed to take that? 

Brandon

Man, the undead get no respect!

Mindy

She dated a monster once… 

Brandon

Are you calling my bestie a monster?

Mindy

No, she literally dated a monster. Frankenstein’s monster. 

Jane

(she gets wistful) 

I liked the strong silent type… I could deal with the protesters… the West Villagers showing up at our apartment with flaming torches. I loved him. Supported him. But in the end, every night — “FIRE BAD! TRUMP BAD!” — I mean, of course I agree, but… I needed more…

Count Tackula

That bites. 

(He goes over and hugs Jane with one arm, she is comforted)

Brandon

Oh no…

Jane

What?

Mindy

Honey, is it your time of the month?

Brandon

Not… good… GAH!

Brandon is straining against invisible forces… his hair moves back and forth.

Mindy

Oh no… his hair! (in a low dramatic voice) It begins…

Brandon

Mindy… get the tape… NOW!

Mindy gets tape (from a pocketbook?) begins to try and tape him to the chair.

Count Tackula

Get the tape? What the hell? Looks like Andrew is answering “the call of the mild.” 

Brandon

Shut up! Not. Funny. Want… Blood…

Count Tackula

He wants blood. Funny thing. I’ve got a hankering too.

Brandon rips the tape out of Mindy’s hands.

Count Tackula

(the hug turns into something sinister, he goes for Jane’s neck)

Fasten your seatbelts — it’s going to be a bumpy night.

Jane loses it, screams horror-style. Then they all freeze like a sitcom, and then come out of character to talk to the audience. If the audience starts clapping, then Brandie has to get them to stop.

Brandie

Hi, I’m Brandie, the actress who was about to get eaten by a werewolf and bitten by a vampire. I just want to say that the play you just watched, was highly sexist. The women were portrayed as victims. The men -- blood thirsty animals.

Laurel

And I’m Laurel, the girlfriend of a werewolf. Plays like these only perpetuate stereotypes – a woman overlooking a partner’s fatal flaws because she can’t afford the rent in New York City on her own? Get real …OK it’s real, but, it makes me so angry, I’m going to go home after the show and leave this play a terrible Yelp review.

Brandie

(aside to Laurel)

Is that even possible?

Laurel

I hope so…

Andrew

I’m Andrew. This play offended me as well, because if you were dating a werewolf, you’d know damn well when the full moon was. Amiright?

Nick

I’m Nick. There’s a serious point here: If someone you know is dating a dangerous mythological or folkloric creature, don’t wait until they are about to sign a lease. Speak up. Take action. Silver bullets, wooden crosses, or fire — might just save a life.