Thursday, February 05, 2015

Spring Flung
By Susie Felber

Written & performed 1/19/15 for
The Public Theater Presents The 24 Hour Plays®:

A Bennington Alumni Tribute to Nicky Martin*

Photos taken from the rehearsal and performance of this play can be found here on Bennington College Flickr account. All photos from the day here.

Marion Markham — Julia Powers
Tim Daly — Clint Powers
Lesley McBurney — Grim Reaper
Brandi Nicole Wilson — Summer Autumn Rain

Directed by Lorca Peress
Assistant Director: Deidrea Hamid


Stage black. We hear a woman’s scream. It is Julia. Lights up. Julia is hysterical. She’s on a stage devoid of any furniture.

Julia
Clint!  Clint!  Ohmigawd CLINT WHERE ARE YOU?

Clint enters sleepily

Clint
Julia. I’m here. I’m here. What the hell are you screaming about it’s... the middle of the night.

Julia
Clint. Ohmygod I thought. I thought I smelled smoke. And I couldn’t see you and I was yelling, crawling through flames and…

Clint
How many Klonopin did you take?

Julia
I didn’t… well two. Two. But that isn’t it. I… it seemed so real. Didn’t you hear the alarm?  

Clint
I’m going back to bed.  Hang on… where’s the bed?  Where’s the walls where’s...anything?

Clint is looking into the theater lights using his arm to shield his eyes from the glare when Dr. G.R. enters. She lifts her arm deliberately and slowly and points at them. She turns her arm over and beckons for them slowly with one finger. They look at her stunned and then she drops the gravitas and becomes chirpy.

G. R.
Hi! Howdy.  

Clint
Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?



G.R.
I get that a lot.  So I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’m... the Grim Reaper!

Clint
The grim reaper?  You look like a proctologist.

Julia
Honey, no proctologists are that hot.

G.R.
Well I am a doctor… of DOOM.  (she laughs at her own joke) Ah but seriously, we focus grouped it and found the whole silent bony guy in a black robe thing was kind of a bummer.  Plus most people thought it looked like a bad New Yorker cartoon.  And people tend to trust doctors.

Julia
We’re dead?

Clint
to Julia
We’re not dead.

G.R.
No you’re not “dead” we now refer to you as the “previously living.”



Julia
We’re dead. The smoke. Remember I told you the lights were flickering? And you said it was probably PSE&G.

Clint
And you Googled “lights flickering” and decided we were doomed. So I told you to take a Klonopin and go to bed.

Julia
It said something about power arcing and how that could generate heat and we had to contact an electrician immediately.

G.R.
Bingo.

Clint
Bingo?

G.R.
You died in a house fire.  About six earth weeks ago.  

Julia
Six weeks ago?

G.R.
We’ve been busy. So many more clients than we had a few hundred years ago.

Clint
I don’t believe it. We’re not dead.

G.R.
Check out Facebook.  She looks at a phone.  Julia, you got over 350 comments on your wall.  Those are pretty good metrics.

Julia
Only 350 comments? But I have over 900 friends!

G.R.
The algorithm. People miss a lot. When Zuckerberg gets here... I’m gonna talk to him.

Julia
We’re in a bright room… with columns. Is this ancient Rome?

G.R.
No, not ancient Rome -- we call it The Entrarium!

Julia
“The Entrarium”

G.R.
It’s to die for, right?

Clint
This is nuts. The grim reaper is not a hot proctologist, we are not going to the great beyond from a room that looks like… like friggin Atlantic City because
WE. ARE. NOT. DEAD.
Julia, do something. Stand on your head.

Julia
I don’t think…

Clint
Stand on your goddamn head!

Julia reluctantly complies… stands on her head.


Clint
A HA! See? Not. Dead.

G.R.
Take her pulse.

G.R. takes out a phone and takes a selfie with Clint and Julia as they are taking her pulse.

Clint
Holy crap.

Clint then takes his own pulse.

G.R.
Intake photos. Oh look! Julia, your mom just commented.

Julia
My mother’s been dead for 15 years...

She reads the phone
“You should let your hair go curly already. I can’t believe you’re still with that ukulele-playing hedge fund bum.”
Mom!

G.R.
OK so now that we’re all ready, it’s time to go.

Clint
Go? No. I’m not going. I’m not going anywhere!

G.R.
Oh yes… that is an option. Very old school. Stay on your property and haunt.
Thing about haunting? New people will move in and trust me — it’s like watching the most boring reality show…for all eternity.

Julia
I am so not haunting. I want to see my mom. Besides, Clint, the people who move in here are just going to complain about how their kids are being tested too much…and they’ll be gluten-free… Clint let’s go.

Clint
Go? Where are we going? To heaven? Hell?

G.R.
OK so after the rebrand -- we did away with heaven and hell. We have membership levels.  Let’s see… Julia. Julia Powers...
she checks her phone
Julia, you are going Premiere Elite. And Clint — Clint you’re going coach.  What we call our “frequent liars” program.

Clint
I’ve been married to the same woman for 30 years. I am not leaving her now!

Julia
takes Clints hand
Awww. That’s right. We go together.

 A woman enters wearing a ski helmet.

Summer
Clint!

Clint
Oh my god.

Julia
Who is this?

Summer
removes her helmet and holds out a hand to Julia

Hi, I’m Summer Autumn Rain Schwartz.

Clint
Summer. Summer. I’m so sorry.

Summer
I was Clint’s intern during my FWT.

Julia
What the fuck is an FWT?

Summer
Winter internship.  Bennington College. They make you do it. Great for the resume…
she starts to get angry
...if you live to graduate.

Clint
Summer, it was an accident… you, you fell.

Summer
I didn’t know you had a wife.



Julia
A wife who thought you were skiing with your Williams buddies.

Summer
And when I found out and said I’d tell her, about us… you pushed me.  

Julia
Clint!

Clint
The bar was up…you’d been drinking...

Summer
Goddamnit -- no one over the age of 13 skis sober! Oh but of course the papers jumped on “drunk Bennington co-ed falls off ski lift.” I swear if you weren’t dead I’d kill you.

Clint
Oh -- like the world really needed another interpretive dancer!

Julia
OK, I’m ready.

Summer
You’re going to love premiere class. And your mom is a total hoot.

Julia and Summer link arms and exit together happily.

Clint
So. When…?

G.R.
You’ll be here… a while.  Want your ukulele?

Clint nods. G.R. hands him a ukulele and then exits. He beings to play “Sympathy for the Devil” as lights slowly fade.

Clint
(Singing)
“Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste…pleased to meet you, I hope you guessed my name..."




Me & my director for the eve, Lorca Peress


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Quick post to show I'm alive if you don't already follow me on Twitter or any of the other venues I post on more regularly.

I'm performing (this pic from December's hurricane Sandy benefit), I'm writing for many and I'm enjoying my life with the smalls.  Below are some links to prove it.

All my recent blogging for truTV

One of my many new photo galleries for truTV -- Kama Stupid: New Sex Positions for 2013.  I got to hire pal Stephen Gardner to illustrate which was neat-o.

Scope more of my recent writing about Gardening.

And finally, one of my spawn having a crazy wild time at chess club

I'm also doing all copy for a another business -- a website redesign/rebrand -- will get sharey with that when it's all done and dusted.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I'm hosting a comedy benefit for the Hoboken Relief fund 12/14 at the historic Hoboken Elks lodge.  Oh-so pretty posters below. Click to enlarge, hope to see you, etc.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I haven't updated this since August mainly because I'm on Twitter -- where I'm @susiefelber -- Tumblr, Facebook, Google+, Flickr ,StumbleUpon and -- and I'll stop now.

But I've also been not here because I've been up to new stuff.  I'm editing and writing for the truTV dumb blog.  That link will whisk you to all the posts by me.  I'm also writing and editing the dumb photo galleries.  Faves I've written are Dumb Pinterest Obsessions, Crazy Sexy Halloween Costumes and Inappropriate Photos of Candy Corn.  I expect my Pulitzer to arrive any day now.

I'm also still getting my garden geek on writing for the Bentley Seeds gardening blog.

Pretty soon I'm hosting what will be a monthly comedy benefit show at the Hoboken Elks -- first show is Dec. 14 -- pretty poster and info to come.

I'm still doing the fill-in radio co-hosting thing when asked and when free.  The pic there is a super psyched me with Carol Burnett and Freewheelin' host Chris Tsakis after we did in October. The being free thing isn't very often these days but December 4th is my next appearance. Details to come if I have time after updating all the other social sharing venues.

I've also got other exciting writing projects in the hopper that I can't talk about yet and occasional V/O.  Oh and my Sesame Street Oprah impression aired again last week.

Add to this plate two kids who are so cute I must not devote every daylight hour to work -- and stick a fork in me -- I'm done.

So really, same old same old.

xoxo,
Susie

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


New newness: I am now writing on this gardening blog for an upstate NY company with roots that go back over 100 years: Bentley Seeds.

Yes I'm still doing V/O, still writing for funny stuff a plenty, still working the social media beat.  This job was taken on because it's with a company my best friend now works for -- not just fun but we're both web experts in different areas and we've tons to learn from each other.  And it's also because I am -- or have been until now -- a closet garden nerd.

Lots of original photos by me and blather on seed stuff -- what more could one want?

Here's my first three posts by topic, if not title:

Gardening with (or in spite of) Kids

Bragging 'Bout Beans

Upcycled Planters -- Holy Grail of Silly Pinterest Obsessions

Image credit: Me! Me! Me! And it's a Columbine in the Catskills doncha know.

Update 8/24: check out my interview with UK Landscape Architect Robyn Butcher.

Friday, August 03, 2012


 Hooray for my Husband and his Secret Showbiz Life

Ed, who is an editor by trade, narrated these funny Olympic highlight videos for the Wall Street Journal.  The best WSJ puppet videos you've seen all century.  Check 'em out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EoeyXiYy5E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLPvDIM8Q4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Gm80vDa1C4

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

See me, hear me:

Radio!

I'm filling in co-hosting on Sirius XM 106 for four weekdays starting Friday 4/27. Tune-in 11a-2p ET. Go ahead and like the show's Facebook page here: Freewheelin' on Facebook.  I love love doing radio and this show has a great host and we'll have some fab guests. More on this later...

Stage!

I'm performing live Fri. 5/18 at a fantastic show called Kevin Geeks Out. It's at 8p and it's in NYC so I don't have to tell you it's ET.  At least I hope I don't.  Show is a measly $10.  Get tickets and mucho more info here.  At this show I'll be telling the story of how I came to write a video game back in ye olde late 90's.  Tina Fey is involved, seedy bars and more!  See how I piqued your interest by implying Tina Fey has some relation to the seedy bars? Well she doesn't.  Or not that I know of.  Anywho, it's a fun show, so if you're not a crazy stalker, do come.

That's it.  I'm sleepy.  And I just remembered no one blogs anymore. 

So, I gotta go tweet the above in less than 136 characters... why not 140 characters?  I always leave room for someone to RT and add "Ha!" 

Hope springs eternal.

Toodles!

@susiefelber