Tuesday, March 03, 2020



Unreality Bites
By Susie Felber

Written & performed 3/3/2017at the Signature Theater NYC
as part of the 24 Hour Plays 
Bennington College Alumni Spencer Cox benefit

Writer: Susie Felber
Director: Paul Cello

Brandie Nicole Wilson – Jane
Laurel Johnson – Mindy
Andrew Plimpton – Brandon
Nick DiLeonardi – Count Tackula


Props: Rooster head, Tape roll, Smoking jacket red side out (for Nick), animal claw, clipboard



Stage black. We hear a woman, Jane, yell “NOOOOO!”



Jane
(arrives breathless)
Mindy — stop!

Mindy
(holding a pen and clipboard)
Stop? Jane — what are you doing here?

Jane
Don’t sign. That. Lease. 

Mindy
Oh seriously, sis. It’s not that bad. 

Jane
It is that bad. Put the pen down.

Mindy
What? Is it because this place looks like the piano bar of the damned? Or like Beauty divorced Beast, and she took him for everything, and he hasn’t had a chance to go shopping at Ikea yet?

Jane
Yes, it does… but that’s not it.

Mindy
Bottom line: it’s in Manhattan, and together, Brandon and I can afford it.


Brandon enters. He’s looking around, running his hands on the bar. 

Brandon
(looking around and marveling)
Exposed brick. It’s like the outdoors — is in! 

Mindy
Don’t you love the floors? Oh look, there are outlets! I can dry my hair standing in the middle of the room!

Brandon
Sweet! Oooh, does the chandelier stay? Fan-say!

Jane
I don’t care if the chandelier stays. He must go.

Mindy
Oh please! You’ve never liked any of my boyfriends. 

Jane
No this is different. 
(Jane points)
He. Is. A. Werewolf.

Mindy
(shocked)
A werewolf? 

…I was afraid you’d tell me he was a vegan.

Brandon
I love you, babe.

Jane
I’m serious.

Mindy
How do you know he’s a werewolf?

Jane
His Twitter bio says “I’m a werewolf. Get crazy once a month, but proudly rampage-free for 5 years.”

Brandon
You forgot I also say “retweets are not endorsements.” That’s important.

Mindy
OK, yeah, once a month I tape him down, throw some live chickens in, and – go get a pedicure. No big whoop! 

Jane
You knew!? Knew he was a — werewolf!

Brandon
Well, I prefer the term “lunar-challenged” but… guilty as charged! So what? There’s nothing in the lease that says no werewolves. (He howls long and hard) 

Jane
Look sis, you are putting yourself in grave danger…

Mindy
Sorry but I know Brandon. He’s not like other werewolves. 

Brandon
Aw… That’s right. I’m super careful not to bite or scratch her. 

Jane
Do you like making love to a man who wears mittens?

Mindy
Everyone needs to use protection

Nick enters he’s wearing the red smoking jacket and munching on the rooster head. Wipes his arm across his mouth and chucks the head and says, “Ahhh!”

Count Tackula
Yo, bro, what’s up? 

Jane
Who is this?

Nick and Andrew do a howl and an elaborate hand slap-type greeting




Count Tackula
I’ve known this guy since he was a pup. He headlocks him and affectionately “noogies” his head with his fist. Hey, bro, I saved you the best part.

Nick pulls the claw out of his jacket and offers it to Andrew. Andrew high fives, goes to snack on it like jerky.

Jane
(backing away)
You’re a werewolf too…

Count Tackula
Ha! A werewolf? Seriously? I guess I need a shave. No, no, not a werewolf. 

Jane
Oh. Sorry. I assumed…

Count Tackula
I’m a vampire.

Jane
Ohmygod.

Mindy
When he wears that jacket we call him “Count Tack-ula.”

Everyone but Brandie laughs

Count Tackula
(to Jane)
If Mindy had dated me, she wouldn’t be looking at rentals. (he looks around, does his best Bette Davis) What a dump!  We vampires, if you haven’t noticed, always have sweet pads. 

Mindy
If only I didn’t find satin and velvet a turn off. Jane here though… she’s a real night owl.

Count Tackula
You don’t say? So Jane, I vant to suck your blood. You vant to suck anything of mine?

Jane
You disgust me.

Count Tackula
Your eyes say no, but your neck says yes yes… 

Jane
Ugh. 

Mindy
Leave her alone, Tackula. 

Count Tackula
(angry)
Oh really? She treats me like some common zombie, and I’m supposed to take that? 

Brandon
Man, the undead get no respect!

Mindy
She dated a monster once… 

Brandon
Are you calling my bestie a monster?

Mindy
No, she literally dated a monster. Frankenstein’s monster. 

Jane
(she gets wistful) 
I liked the strong silent type… I could deal with the protesters… the West Villagers showing up at our apartment with flaming torches. I loved him. Supported him. But in the end, every night — “FIRE BAD! TRUMP BAD!” — I mean, of course I agree, but… I needed more…

Count Tackula
That bites. 
(He goes over and hugs Jane with one arm, she is comforted)

Brandon
Oh no…

Jane
What?

Mindy
Honey, is it your time of the month?

Brandon
Not… good… GAH!

Brandon is straining against invisible forces… his hair moves back and forth.


Mindy
Oh no… his hair! (in a low dramatic voice) It begins…

Brandon
Mindy… get the tape… NOW!

Mindy gets tape (from a pocketbook?) begins to try and tape him to the chair.

Count Tackula
Get the tape? What the hell? Looks like Andrew is answering “the call of the mild.” 

Brandon
Shut up! Not. Funny. Want… Blood…

Count Tackula
He wants blood. Funny thing. I’ve got a hankering too.

Brandon rips the tape out of Mindy’s hands.


Count Tackula
(the hug turns into something sinister, he goes for Jane’s neck)
Fasten your seatbelts — it’s going to be a bumpy night.




Jane loses it, screams horror-style. Then they all freeze like a sitcom, and then come out of character to talk to the audience. If the audience starts clapping, then Brandie has to get them to stop.

Brandie
Hi, I’m Brandie, the actress who was about to get eaten by a werewolf and bitten by a vampire. I just want to say that the play you just watched, was highly sexist. The women were portrayed as victims. The men -- blood thirsty animals.

Laurel
And I’m Laurel, the girlfriend of a werewolf. Plays like these only perpetuate stereotypes – a woman overlooking a partner’s fatal flaws because she can’t afford the rent in New York City on her own? Get real …OK it’s real, but, it makes me so angry, I’m going to go home after the show and leave this play a terrible Yelp review.

Brandie
(aside to Laurel)
Is that even possible?

Laurel
I hope so…

Andrew
I’m Andrew. This play offended me as well, because if you were dating a werewolf, you’d know damn well when the full moon was. Amiright?

Nick
I’m Nick. There’s a serious point here: If someone you know is dating a dangerous mythological or folkloric creature, don’t wait until they are about to sign a lease. Speak up. Take action. Silver bullets, wooden crosses, or fire — might just save a life.








Thursday, February 05, 2015

Spring Flung
By Susie Felber

Written & performed 1/19/15 for
The Public Theater Presents The 24 Hour Plays®:

A Bennington Alumni Tribute to Nicky Martin*

Photos taken from the rehearsal and performance of this play can be found here on Bennington College Flickr account. All photos from the day here.

Marion Markham — Julia Powers
Tim Daly — Clint Powers
Lesley McBurney — Grim Reaper
Brandi Nicole Wilson — Summer Autumn Rain

Directed by Lorca Peress
Assistant Director: Deidrea Hamid


Stage black. We hear a woman’s scream. It is Julia. Lights up. Julia is hysterical. She’s on a stage devoid of any furniture.

Julia
Clint!  Clint!  Ohmigawd CLINT WHERE ARE YOU?

Clint enters sleepily

Clint
Julia. I’m here. I’m here. What the hell are you screaming about it’s... the middle of the night.

Julia
Clint. Ohmygod I thought. I thought I smelled smoke. And I couldn’t see you and I was yelling, crawling through flames and…

Clint
How many Klonopin did you take?

Julia
I didn’t… well two. Two. But that isn’t it. I… it seemed so real. Didn’t you hear the alarm?  

Clint
I’m going back to bed.  Hang on… where’s the bed?  Where’s the walls where’s...anything?

Clint is looking into the theater lights using his arm to shield his eyes from the glare when Dr. G.R. enters. She lifts her arm deliberately and slowly and points at them. She turns her arm over and beckons for them slowly with one finger. They look at her stunned and then she drops the gravitas and becomes chirpy.

G. R.
Hi! Howdy.  

Clint
Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?



G.R.
I get that a lot.  So I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’m... the Grim Reaper!

Clint
The grim reaper?  You look like a proctologist.

Julia
Honey, no proctologists are that hot.

G.R.
Well I am a doctor… of DOOM.  (she laughs at her own joke) Ah but seriously, we focus grouped it and found the whole silent bony guy in a black robe thing was kind of a bummer.  Plus most people thought it looked like a bad New Yorker cartoon.  And people tend to trust doctors.

Julia
We’re dead?

Clint
to Julia
We’re not dead.

G.R.
No you’re not “dead” we now refer to you as the “previously living.”



Julia
We’re dead. The smoke. Remember I told you the lights were flickering? And you said it was probably PSE&G.

Clint
And you Googled “lights flickering” and decided we were doomed. So I told you to take a Klonopin and go to bed.

Julia
It said something about power arcing and how that could generate heat and we had to contact an electrician immediately.

G.R.
Bingo.

Clint
Bingo?

G.R.
You died in a house fire.  About six earth weeks ago.  

Julia
Six weeks ago?

G.R.
We’ve been busy. So many more clients than we had a few hundred years ago.

Clint
I don’t believe it. We’re not dead.

G.R.
Check out Facebook.  She looks at a phone.  Julia, you got over 350 comments on your wall.  Those are pretty good metrics.

Julia
Only 350 comments? But I have over 900 friends!

G.R.
The algorithm. People miss a lot. When Zuckerberg gets here... I’m gonna talk to him.

Julia
We’re in a bright room… with columns. Is this ancient Rome?

G.R.
No, not ancient Rome -- we call it The Entrarium!

Julia
“The Entrarium”

G.R.
It’s to die for, right?

Clint
This is nuts. The grim reaper is not a hot proctologist, we are not going to the great beyond from a room that looks like… like friggin Atlantic City because
WE. ARE. NOT. DEAD.
Julia, do something. Stand on your head.

Julia
I don’t think…

Clint
Stand on your goddamn head!

Julia reluctantly complies… stands on her head.


Clint
A HA! See? Not. Dead.

G.R.
Take her pulse.

G.R. takes out a phone and takes a selfie with Clint and Julia as they are taking her pulse.

Clint
Holy crap.

Clint then takes his own pulse.

G.R.
Intake photos. Oh look! Julia, your mom just commented.

Julia
My mother’s been dead for 15 years...

She reads the phone
“You should let your hair go curly already. I can’t believe you’re still with that ukulele-playing hedge fund bum.”
Mom!

G.R.
OK so now that we’re all ready, it’s time to go.

Clint
Go? No. I’m not going. I’m not going anywhere!

G.R.
Oh yes… that is an option. Very old school. Stay on your property and haunt.
Thing about haunting? New people will move in and trust me — it’s like watching the most boring reality show…for all eternity.

Julia
I am so not haunting. I want to see my mom. Besides, Clint, the people who move in here are just going to complain about how their kids are being tested too much…and they’ll be gluten-free… Clint let’s go.

Clint
Go? Where are we going? To heaven? Hell?

G.R.
OK so after the rebrand -- we did away with heaven and hell. We have membership levels.  Let’s see… Julia. Julia Powers...
she checks her phone
Julia, you are going Premiere Elite. And Clint — Clint you’re going coach.  What we call our “frequent liars” program.

Clint
I’ve been married to the same woman for 30 years. I am not leaving her now!

Julia
takes Clints hand
Awww. That’s right. We go together.

 A woman enters wearing a ski helmet.

Summer
Clint!

Clint
Oh my god.

Julia
Who is this?

Summer
removes her helmet and holds out a hand to Julia

Hi, I’m Summer Autumn Rain Schwartz.

Clint
Summer. Summer. I’m so sorry.

Summer
I was Clint’s intern during my FWT.

Julia
What the fuck is an FWT?

Summer
Winter internship.  Bennington College. They make you do it. Great for the resume…
she starts to get angry
...if you live to graduate.

Clint
Summer, it was an accident… you, you fell.

Summer
I didn’t know you had a wife.



Julia
A wife who thought you were skiing with your Williams buddies.

Summer
And when I found out and said I’d tell her, about us… you pushed me.  

Julia
Clint!

Clint
The bar was up…you’d been drinking...

Summer
Goddamnit -- no one over the age of 13 skis sober! Oh but of course the papers jumped on “drunk Bennington co-ed falls off ski lift.” I swear if you weren’t dead I’d kill you.

Clint
Oh -- like the world really needed another interpretive dancer!

Julia
OK, I’m ready.

Summer
You’re going to love premiere class. And your mom is a total hoot.

Julia and Summer link arms and exit together happily.

Clint
So. When…?

G.R.
You’ll be here… a while.  Want your ukulele?

Clint nods. G.R. hands him a ukulele and then exits. He beings to play “Sympathy for the Devil” as lights slowly fade.

Clint
(Singing)
“Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste…pleased to meet you, I hope you guessed my name..."




Me & my director for the eve, Lorca Peress