I am in England.

Imagine my shock to wake up and find some rapscallion has been sketching my cabin!

http://sketchoftheday.blogspot.com/

What's next? Some rogue oil painter will sneak up to my mother's backyard and capture a likeness of my dog? And how will I sleep wondering if, in the night, a sculptor will break in and make a bust of my spoon collection?

OFF TO ENGLAND WITH THE MAN AND THE BAM(BINO).

While I was making this onesie featuring the Holland family coat of arms/crest/whatever you call it, my water broke.

And now exactly 9 months later -- as long as it took to take him from concept to completion -- he's here and playing with the dog, eating bananas and laughing, completely unaware of the trail of destruction he left when he took my hormones on a joyride, busted out of my body a la Alien and then smashed my baby-hardened heart into tiny uneven pieces.


I am really excited to see family and ex-pat friends, very excited to have a full two weeks in England-o (burglars: feel free to break in, but know that I've lent my pad to a pack of vicious pit bulls and the annual Asbestos Fanciers Convention) and I am ready to roll because I haven't had a vacation since 2/2006, skiing down large mountains in Utah and doing all those fun things one can't do with a baby on board.

I may post from the road. No doubt you are all clamouring for hi-res pictures of beans on toast!

What? I GOTTA PACK?!?! OMG! So wait, we've got a coat of arms but no butler? What up with that?

xoxo,

me

How to Stay Thin?

Shun fat people! Lock 'em all up together, on Guac-tonamayo Bay.

OK, that was like, the worst joke ever. I'm a busy woman, people. I'm trying to get my organic earth business off the ground. Organic earth? Tell me more!

Yeah well it's dirt from the Catskill mountains that's certified 100% organic with no added chemicals. That means no nitrates or dirt stablizers! Also we vow never to use child labor.

Baby labor, sure. But no child labor.

But the real difference? We disturb no native plants when we hand-mine our soil. And if we do disturb a native plant -- remember, these are Native American plants, so we do not want to disturb the gods/start feeling guilty about those freakin' Indians again -- yes if we do disturb a native plant, we put it in a little bed. Not a flower bed that's all exposed to the harsh elements, but an actual bed, made with bamboo sheets and comforters made only with the down of ducks who died of natural causes (a doctor is on hand to confirm the ducks were not stressed out at the time of their deaths).

And Felber's Organics will ship this signature heady mineral rich/dog poop rich compost of potential life to you in biodegradable recycled paper and deliver it to you without increasing your carbon footprint by putting it on the backs of our fair trade workers. Fair trade workers? Yeah, they are workers we got fair and square when we traded in bushels of our lard ass Americans for energetic skinny little foreigners who appreciate our open air gluten-free, peanut-free (everything-free because we give them nothing) work environment. Not to mention our commitment to natural health care.

Our all-natural health care? Tincture of Echinacea and "stop whining already."

And finally, here's Felber's Organics brand-new slogan (subject to change):

Because a product should not only work, it should make you feel like a fucking saint.


Shareholders Meeting at Felber's Organics HQ

Neither Rain, Nor Sleet, Nor Streets Blowing Up...

The offices at the network I work for are closed today due to the massive (and scary) pipe burst yesterday. This is why they are showing reruns in daytime and many good worker folk are enjoying the urban, summer equivalent of a snow day -- "a steam day."

But we online folk can not be stopped! We are working from various undisclosed locations and also blogging our buns off.

Oh my undisclosed location? A lovely, sunny Panera with free WiFi that's located within a luxury outdoor shopping mall that overlooks the Husdon river. I can see Grant's tomb (quick, who's buried there?) and I'm right next to a superfund site. Jealous, much?

Susie Felber Fan Art

Yes, Susie Felber fan art, by Victor.

<-- OMG! I'm a monkey! I hate monkeys, but I love this pic. Thanks Vic!

And if you haven't seen it, allow me to flog to a hilarious interview I did with Victor last summer.... read "The Best Albino Code" here.

Where I'm at

I've been taking pictures of gnomes and blogging my buns off here.

Exhibit: Gnomes

Paris Hilton is an ass. So are a lot of other celebrities. OK, now that I've got your attention with a picture of Paris Hilton's ass...

As we approach the holiday weekend, police from coast to coast aim to crack down on drunk driving.

Read my drunk driving roundup/rant, "DUI = Dumb Under the Influence?" here on the Court TV blog.

The only thing I forgot?

This asshat's DUI.

NEW BLOG ALERT!

http://www.thenosebleeds.com/

"A look at the world of sports from the cheap seats."

Disclosure: Everyone writing for this blog is a pro comedian and/or writer/producer/director and is either my friend, my family or my husband, so of course it's going to be awesome.

UPDATE: Read my brother Adam's excellent post about the nosebleeds, here.

Your dog ignored on a Manhattan roof -- only $1000/month!

The Ritzy Canine Carriage House, "New York's city [sic] preeminent luxury quarters, daycare and veterinary facility for dogs and cats," has a rooftoop billed thusly, "Your loved one will revel in the simple pleasure of playing outdoors in the fresh air." Well, my undercover, overhead investigation reveals "play" = bored dogs hoping the guy on the roof will stop texting his girlfriend and throw a ball. All pictures taken on 6/20/07 by me.





"Please pet meeeeeeeeeeeee!"

And finally, fat NYC dogs getting fatter...
<-- Look at the dog stage right... he's dreaming of his rich and overly guilty owner's bed.

A few years ago, I worked briefly at a dog spa in Manhattan (not this one). I didn't last long for a variety of reasons. What I learned could fill a book. And so that's what I'm doing. Stay tuned...

Who dat?


Happy Birthday to me!

Don't miss my good friend Stephen Gardner's ambitious, awesome new blog, Sketch of the Day. Steve is a incredible professional illustrator whose precise and beautiful works I've blogged about before (here too). Partly inspired by the MA in illustration he recently completed (while also working as a pro illustrator), on Sketch of the Day he shares his sketches, and dashed off thoughts, letting himself be more experimental and in the moment.

I personally love his really quick slices of life. they are like poetry. Only someone with so much training could make something so simple, so beautiful. Like this parking pic in Crown Heights Brooklyn...


And this nakedy lady at the Society of Illustrators...


So if I were you, or your were I, I'd check him out everyday, right here.

LIVE BLOGGING HOBOKEN COMEDY EXPERIMENT

To commence live from Hoboken @ approx. 8:45-9pm. Stay tuned...

Note: Photos will be taken and added later. My computer is too slow to handle my photog and lightening fast wit. UPDATE: Photos added!

9:00pm-- It's on! Well, not really, but the music is loud and so it seems like something is going to happen. Ooooh, very exciting.

9:02 -- Music still loud Crowd going wild. If by "wild" you mean, waiting patiently.

Music + milling about = Major Excitement!

9:04 -- Adam Wade introduces Chris Deluca, using all sorts of charm and pounding Deluca's TV cred into the crowd. Crowd going insane. If by insane, you mean listening and sipping drinks.

9:06 -- Deluca introduces me, mentions I am live-blogging. My only credit he announces is that I live in Weehawken. That's awesome. I do comedy for a decade and I get "lives in Weehawken." Deluca = dead.


9:08 -- Deluca going 100 m.p.h. on marriage material. He's too fast for my typing skills. He did punchlines that involved a condor, Stockholm Syndrome, the Hulk. Listen people, if you want the jokes ya gotta come to the show.

9:10 -- Deluca's bomb line about the soundsystem-- "I could almost not hear you laugh" -- kills!

9:12 -- Deluca introduces former Tough Crowd writer, Ritch Duncan -- and he's up!

9:16 -- Enjoy this out-of-context Ritch Duncanism: "All kitten AC/DC cover band."

9:18 -- Duncan expertly "takes the piss out of me" and my live-blogging. I love it.

9:19 -- Duncan scores a hit with his, "The whole ad campaign for Vegas is 'Hey, we've got whores!'" bit.

9:21 -- Duncan doing fab.

9:23 -- His big dismount: The hot dog bit!

9:23 -- Deluca up and presenting the faux survey, "Worst names for describing a blow job." "Thorny, Lack Luster, Capra-esque, Maternal." .And the winner for worst adjective to describe a blow job -- "toothy."

9:25 -- Deluca on Port Authority bus terminal day v. night, "A head on a skateboad tried to sell me batteries" and "I lost my wallet, my identity was stolen by a dragon."

9:28 -- Margot Leitman up!

9:31 -- Margot is talking too fast for my crap typing. People like her a lot! Getting mega laughs. Here's a sample of words I can capture, "genital warts" "hpv" "Nancy Reagan"

I screwed up and didn't get a photo of Margot that was cool, so please forgive and enjoy the photo of Heather (who went up later in the eve).

9:33 -- Thought: Judging from the laughter, and the haircuts, Hoboken has a lot more straight men than Manhattan and Brooklyn. Just saying.

9:35 -- Margot tells us she's from "the town next to the town Bon Jovi is from." This is way beyond my geographical knowledge. Jerseyites seem to dig it.

9:36 -- Adam Cole Kelly, writer for Best Week Ever, is up. Tells ladies not to stare at his legs, that it makes him uncomfortable. Tells his gold "sun wearing sunglasses" joke.

9:40 -- Adam tells fat chick at Applebee's joke. It does so well I am now convinced there are more straight men in Hoboken.

<-- This photo I took of Adam is NOT payback for him making fat chicks joke. But it could be, couldn't it?

9:41 -- Adam, probably sensing the undeniable hetero make-up of the room, launches into his pornography material.

9:43 -- Adam's "Cinderella Man" v. "Cinderella, Man" joke makes me happy. I laugh louder than anyone, me, alone in a bar at my mac. Nerd, party of one!

9:45 -- Deluca, our multi-talented host, asks me, from the stage, how live blogging is going. I am so focused eye of the tiger-style on my blog I make barely any sense. Awesome. But luckily no one outside of this room will ever know I made no sense. Oh. Wait a minute...

9:47 -- Adam Wade is up!

9:49 -- Adam is funny and cute. How cute? He's making hetero buzz cut boys giggle.

9:50 -- Thought: It's possible that only my mom is following this blogging, live. Hi mom!

9:53 -- Did you know... Hoboken411 covered this show two days ago. And Real Hoboken has a funny interview by Adam with Deluca about tonight's show.

9:57 -- Wade's story kills. Too involved to explain. Sorry kids. Now he's doing a final story to lovely music. Aw, sweet.

10:00 -- Deluca on Wade's touching story of young love, "That's a great story Adam, but it reads a lot better on the police report."

10:01 -- Deluca tells us what he was thinking about our audience, "I wish Anne Franks' family were as silent as they are today, maybe they'd be alive today."

10:03 --Heather Fink up! Opens on "Bulimic pony's at a Japanese restaurant" bit and seques into "back fat is the funniest fat."

10:06 -- Oh, before Heather went up Deluca complained saying there were no comments on my blog, so he counld respond. Dude, I haven't had comments ever. Not once since 2002. Maybe you don't know you hired THE Susie Felber: Live-blogger to the non-stars?

10:07 -- Heather is hot and doing odd material. Now the hetero boys are scared. You let your freak flag fly girl!

Heather pre-show. Nice + pretty + comedy = scary


10:09 -- Jake Goldman up!

10:14 -- Jake doing a surreal penis/astronaut bit. He is riding that "freak the crowd out" wave. He ends on, "I was going to put a jar of honey on the stage and have the honey do these same jokes... and I think it would've had the same effect."

10:15 -- Deluca plugging the email list! Thanking everyone! Calls me beautiful. How often is a live-blogger called beautiful? I am clapping and hooting louder than anyone for everyone.

10:17 -- Show over! A good time had by all. My camera battery is dead. That's how rockin' the show was. Broadway Schmoadway! Woodstock Schmouldstock! Ringing Brothers-Schmingling Brothers! This, the Hoboken Comedy Experiment is the greatest show on earth. Until next time Hoboken...

Kisses (g'night mom),

Susie

UPDATE: After the show Deluca told me someone on Hoboken 411 comments called me a great blogger and big fun. Very apt description of me and my fun! Big kisses to the anon person who said that -- mwah!

ME, Tonight

@ The Goldhawk
10th and Park
Hoboken
8:30pm
Free!

Chris Deluca is hosting. Should be a good time. And since I'm live-blogging the show, it goes without saying that you can follow along here at 8:30pm too. It goes without saying, but I said it anyway. I'm crazy like that. See you there. Or here.

Today is my birthday. It's also Father's Day.


Me and my dad.

My dad's been gone almost 9 years. I miss him daily. My mom told me I was born on Father's Day. I just checked an Internet calendar for my year and found I was born right around mid-week. Ah well, sorry everyone I've ever gotten teary-eyed with and told that I was a Father's Day present. I was not.

Anywho, birthday's are good. But good fathers are better. Happy Father's Day to all the good ones. Like this one, the new father who I love more than [really embarrassing personal sop redacted]...


Hey, look what just sprung from my loins!

Re: See ME, Tomorrow

Click the photo above for all the details on my performing at the last Morrison Motel of the season tomorrow eve. I'm not feeling well so there is a small chance I might not bringing the funny. What? Me not hilarious always? Well my throat is on fire. Maybe I'll sign the whole thing. Get Kambri to help me. We shall see. Great line-up though. Not to be missed.

Speeders' Excuses

I wrote and produced a short budget vid with a very talented editor, writer and online development dude. It's a comedy vid. It's all scripted, but it's to promote a pretty funny reality show that follows cops as they pull over real speeders.


Check it out right here. Along with the very funny Andres du Bouchet, my Hugo and my Stan also appear in thrilling, unpaid cameos. And it was shot in Weehawken, home of the stars. Big thanks to the Weehawken P.D. for making sure we filmers weren't up to no good and for giving us two great ideas gleaned from their real-life experience with real-life speeders.


Andres runs showbiz gauntlet: performs with children AND animals in one short vid.

I Love the 70's

Remember no seatbelts or child car seats? Biking without a helmet? Your parents smoking? Unironic, unapologetic wood panelling? Your grandmother reading Playboy?

SFX: record scratch

Grandma reading Playboy?!

Yup, only after I uploaded this family photo-of-a-photo I took yesterday, did I notice that my dear Gran was enjoying a copy of Playboy in plain sight:

Playgran!

And I thought, wow, that's awesome!

Also, I thought it was cool that there is a history in my family of baptism by pooch:


"The son, the son! Tradition!"

NOTE: If you even know what a record scratch is, you're old. See ya at the Early Bird Special.

Yesterday, Felber was rather uppity.

Read my post entitled, "Supreme Court to Women & Minorities: Drop Dead" right here.

WARNING: Rare baby-related post to follow. Those who are not interested in babies, come back tomorrow.

During a recent gmail chat, my old friend Sara told me what I've already heard many times. That my spawn "could be a baby model."

Strike a pose

Honestly, I'm as shocked as anyone. I didn't expect him to be so good-looking. I sort of figured he'd be like mom... ya know, have to work for it.

It seems to me that the writing's on the wall.

If his looks keep pace, there's a chance my boy won't be alone enough to develop an unhealthy interest in dragons, or he won't need to forge an iron-clad sense of humor as a defense or that maybe he'll be one of the popular kids. Yes, scary prospects indeed!


Future head of a frat? Shiver!

Also he's so darn happy and good-natured. I was sure I'd be sharing black nail polish with my son, but sadly, perhaps it is not to be.


My husband swears this happy thing was pulled out of me and that they didn't do a switcheroo behind the sheet.

Anywho, as he's 100% perfect and the world is clamoring for him to be a baby model, I figured I should make it easy and tell all potential future advertisers the things he is prepared to endorse, and what, on principle, he would shun.


Pout!

PRODUCTS HUGO THE WONDER BABY WILL ENDORSE:

1. Puppies

2. Sunsets

3. Bananas

4. The QM2 (contingent upon he and his two adult handlers trying it out on an all-expense paid voyage)

5. Toys

6. A viable Democratic candidate for President (good luck, right?)

7. Luxury cars, luxury couture and luxury sockmonkeys

8. Big pharma (such as Peek-a-boo enhancing drugs and Klonopin)

9. Books (especially ones that are good to eat)

10. Technology & fine wines (send all merchandise to Hugo HQ for testing)

THINGS HUGO BABY WON'T ADVERTISE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:

1. Hitler

2. Toxic waste

3. Cats that look like Hitler

If you represent any products from the "approved" list, have your people call my baby.

Take a Trip Down Mammary Lane...

Read my Memorial Day weekend post about this very special WWII cartoon right here.

To the woman wearing a too-tight shirt spied on my W40th walk to work.

Hey you with the ruined belly.

Yes, I'm looking at you!

Let's be friends.

I've got a ruined belly too.

We can share commiserations,

compare prescriptions.

Hey you with the ruined belly.

I've got a ruined belly too.

Photo cred: My foot by me.