Thursday, July 26, 2007

How to Stay Thin?

Shun fat people! Lock 'em all up together, on Guac-tonamayo Bay.

OK, that was like, the worst joke ever. I'm a busy woman, people. I'm trying to get my organic earth business off the ground. Organic earth? Tell me more!

Yeah well it's dirt from the Catskill mountains that's certified 100% organic with no added chemicals. That means no nitrates or dirt stablizers! Also we vow never to use child labor.
They like to weed
Baby labor, sure. But no child labor.

But the real difference? We disturb no native plants when we hand-mine our soil. And if we do disturb a native plant -- remember, these are Native American plants, so we do not want to disturb the gods/start feeling guilty about those freakin' Indians again -- yes if we do disturb a native plant, we put it in a little bed. Not a flower bed that's all exposed to the harsh elements, but an actual bed, made with bamboo sheets and comforters made only with the down of ducks who died of natural causes (a doctor is on hand to confirm the ducks were not stressed out at the time of their deaths).

And Felber's Organics will ship this signature heady mineral rich/dog poop rich compost of potential life to you in biodegradable recycled paper and deliver it to you without increasing your carbon footprint by putting it on the backs of our fair trade workers. Fair trade workers? Yeah, they are workers we got fair and square when we traded in bushels of our lard ass Americans for energetic skinny little foreigners who appreciate our open air gluten-free, peanut-free (everything-free because we give them nothing) work environment. Not to mention our commitment to natural health care.
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Our all-natural health care? Tincture of Echinacea and "stop whining already."

And finally, here's Felber's Organics brand-new slogan (subject to change):

Because a product should not only work, it should make you feel like a fucking saint.

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Shareholders Meeting at Felber's Organics HQ