Walter, my hairdresser (and internationally-renowned cat show judge who is currently getting way more TV work than me) has a new baby. She's 3 months old. She's a Maine Coon named Ann Richards. I met her on Sunday and went wild for the name.

"Walter, that's brilliant! I love it! Wow! Genius!"

He said, "Well since Huey is named after a politician..."

"It's awesome." I said, interrupting.

"And I wanted the name of a strong woman..."

"Oh yes, even better!"

"And Cruella seemed --"

"No, Cruella is too over-the-top mean. Ann Richards is SO amazing -- I love it!" I said.

"Then you suggested I name her Ann Richards."

Yes, that's right. I went crazy for the kitten's name, having no recollection that I am the one who had suggested that name.


Huey & Ann wonder why the Felber chick can't remember anything


Ann Richards lives on!

PS Speaking of Cats and politicians, did y'all know that Dick Cheney is not only our vice President, but a CFA judge? Yeah, me neither! See below:

Hey, nice rack!
Magazine rack, that is...

Usually when Fitness magazine gets racy, it's all about 5K's. But I found a coffee shop on Hudson street that makes their subscription look muy sexy!

OK this is absurd but... my babe was blogged about again today. First cupcakes and now check him out on the New Socks blog!

Click here to see my sweet babe on the world's finest cupcake blog.

Warning: Babies, cupcakes. NSFWW!*


*Sickeningly sweet stuff -- Not Safe For Weight Watchers

Felber's Bloggin' is Smokin' Hot!

I'm just smouldering elsewheres...

Check out this post entitled, Proof that Hollywood Movies Reallly Stink.

Or this one about drunken Scots on cycles.

Or maybe you'd enjoy this post on my brothers blog in which he cleverly blogs about yet another genius post I did on that other blog.

Come on people: Dance into the Felber fire!

Hate Care Bears?
Then you'll love this post of mine today on Court TV's Informer.

QUICK! LOOK! OVER THERE!*

Unless you're a Baby Boomer, you should check out my latest post on Informer by clicking here.

If you are a Baby Boomer, then you might not like it so much.

But fear not Boomers! For you I present this dude's post entitled "Dig the Sweet Potato" about how groovy sweet potatoes are because of their anti-Cancer properties.

Yeah man.

*I'm trying to distract y'all from the fact that I've got little time right now to post something very original here. Except for that tie dyed sweet potato graphic you see here. I made that special just for YOU!

Covering all the bases.

This post of mine today on Informer, raises a Yankees/Sox question only my writer/director/baseball blogging friend Paul Sullivan could answer.

Well, only he could answer it in a wholly satisfying informative and entertaining Sullyesque way.

So whaddya say P.S.? Lemme know and I'll add a P.S. here, or maybe there.

The Rumors are True.

I'm seeing another blog. A corporate blog. Meaning, I'm contributing to a blog owned by a corporation. Have I sold out? No. First of all I've written professionally for lots of TV, mags, CD-ROMs, casual dining establishments, etc..

And second of all, I think "selling out" should, by definition, net one lots and lots of money, don't you? When I sell out, you will know as my dog will be wearing a mink and I'll be wearing a Seal coat. Yes, a coat made out of Heidi Klum's husband. And they'll fight over the designing it for me on a very special episode of Project Runway.

So, join me, won't you? Check out my post today about Hillary Clinton's relation to an unrelated, but awesome video of a speeding limo entitled, "It's a Stretch."

Cartoon by Hugh at Gapingvoid.com

Yay! Bob Shea! Yay!

My old friend Bob Shea.

His first book came out

the day before yesterday.

He wrote it! He illustrated it!

I think you'll agree with me when I say,

"Yay Bob! Hip hurrah, huzzah, hooray!"

Check out Bob's site to view his awesome short video that's airing on Noggin now. The best part is that he made the vid, the whole dang vid. From the pics to the movement to the music to the fab copy. Bob is one friggin' talented dude.

Also see: Bob's blog here; One of the original vids Bob made that my man did all the voices for here.

And Buy the Book already!!

It's a beautiful NYC day.

But I am in an office so I could give a rat's ass.

No really, I could. And here you go. A rat's ass.

Taken this morn @ 10AM, E40th street, Manhattan.

Love,

Susie, giver of rat's asses

Ask a stupid question...

Get me to answer!

"Askville" is a new Amazon-owned site. They emailed me to join. It's a dynamic new community of real people who ask and answer questions on every topic under the sun.

I jumped in to selflessly help a woman with her urgent need to make a "simple, creative, inexpensive bird costume for 40 kindergarten students."

My answer to her is the one titled "Kids Canary Costume -- Cheep!" from SusietheMaven.

Read it here:

But wait! The link above doesn't let you view without signing in. So here's the question and my answer...

"Need simple, creative, inexpensive ideas for bird costume" Topics: education, parenting, elementary school, arts & crafts, children Asked by: newmommy15 - 10 hours ago

Do you have any ideas for a simple, creative, inexpensive bird costume for 40 kindergarten students. It's for a spring assembly. Don't need a head-to-toe costume. Just some ideas for maybe something to put on their heads or wings for their arms, etc.

"Kids Canary Costume -- "Cheep"!"

Answered by: SusietheMaven
Date: Mar 30 2007 (9 hours ago)

Paint the children with yellow frosting. Then get some old pillows and allow children to put handfuls of the innards on themselves. The frosting should make them sticky enough to attach feathers, but know that if it's cold, buttercream can harden. But shortening is cheaper and more pliant at any temperature.

The best part is it's non-toxic and really hands on.

Picture credit up top: Costume Craze Toddler Big Bird Costume, which is currently out of stock. Apparently, making your baby look like a giant yellow penis is all the rage.

Chicken Tartare Update!

It seems my recent blog post about visiting McDonald's and being served an uncooked chicken sandwich went viral.

The Apiary caught it first with this adorable post. Then Gawker linked to it, and then tons of blogs (including the good folk at the Comedy Central Insider) and popular link roundup sites, some of which I'd never heard of. Uniquedaily.com brought tons o' traffic.

And even though some sites posted the story but didn't link back to me or my original photos (tsk tsk!), I am amazed by the number of people who did find and click-thru to my pics on Flickr. Currently this one photo alone has been viewed over 18 thousand times. Yes, that's 18 thousand.

In short, y'all should think twice before giving this redheaded girl blogger a raw deal.

Note: I know, the word "viral" in terms of Web stuff is so overused it is nearly as icky as a raw chicken lozenge. OK, not that icky, but you know what I mean.

Crossroads

Fumbling in my bag
on the corner of 40th and something
trying to find and apply lipstick
nonchalantly,
before the light changes.

WALK

I am off.
Before I’ve found the tube
or a mirror
or the courage.
I instinctively roll my eyes.

Such a pathetic ambition,
and aborted to boot!

I scold myself for managing to look like somebody’s nervous mom,
come into Manhattan for the day.

Then I realize
I am.

News


"Ah, what's this? Sez here mom is going back to work tomorrow and leaving me with a stranger who costs more than our rent. Early estimates show that she'll only see me awake for two hours a day. It also says that compared to other working moms, she's lucky."


"Say what?"

Susie says: Wish me luck. He's the best thing I've ever done, he's the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen and he's getting more fun by the day. Leaving him makes me feel ill. Yes, it's even harder than eating raw chicken from McDonald's. I'm ga ga head over heels for my Hugo. This from someone who really liked kids but was definitely not a baby person. I know. The pre-baby me is rolling her eyes too.

Susie also says: Maternity leave has been no party. It's actually been the hardest time I've ever had. First I was dealing with an infected open c-section wound (less said the better) and then finding a way to go back to work in the middle of winter (with post-partum hormone wonkiness) has been about as easy as (and as unexpected as) coming back from the dead. This is why most companies are like a bad zombie film, for as you see women disappearing from the workforce you think, "Ohmigawd! They got another comrade!" And this is why families can't help but slip into debt. Heck at least I got some maternity leave and some was with pay. In this country, that's rare.

But half a paycheck is better than no paycheck. Part time work? Sounds great -- Hey you don't go crazy doing baby care all day! You keep a toe in the workforce -- until you do the math and find it would be equal to or less than no paycheck, once you pay for P/T childcare and the commute. Oh and no benefits, natch. Sorry baby, it's St. John's Wort for your cold or nothing.

Oh and that little fantasy you as-of-yet non-moms have about working while the baby is sleeping? Ha! I mean, how nice for you. I had it too. My baby sleeps all night (brag) so that I'm well rested to go all day. He only naps long enough to eat anything that doesn't run away fast enough and regret you didn't do the laundry. That's it. If your baby doesn't sleep all night (unlike my pillar of babydom), enjoy trying to fire up your brain to work when he or she decides to conk out for a brief snooze. If you're able to do more than drool while you watch Oprah, and upload some baby photos, I'll give you a hundred bucks.

Speaking of money, did you know that only $600 of childcare/year is tax deductible and that this amount hasn't changed in about 30 years? I didn't. For my childless and far flung friends: in the NY-area $600 = less than one week to as much as three weeks of childcare. Understand that when I say "childcare" I mean all the possibilities: from nanny/babysitter to decent daycare (4 infants to one adult, and a minimum 12 month waiting list to get in so you have to sign up before conception) to the crappiest daycare where you will want to suicide after you see it. Thanks Republicans! I'll see you in hell.

Disclaimer: Yeah, life is hard. But I've got the most wonderful baby daddy in the world and he has a job. Save your sympathy for chicks with jerks or single moms. How they manage, I've no idea.

For hope or a healthy way to funnel your anger into action, check out momsrising.org

Note: Some of this post written pre-dawn, and the rest with one hand while feeding a baby.

NEW! McDonalds Chicken Sushi Sandwich!

If you thought rats in a NYC Taco Bell / KFC were unappetizing, whaddya think of the McDonalds I just visited in Windsor, Connecticut?

I found my first meal at McDonalds in over 15 years to be very memorable... I even took photos for posterity:

And the service was just as scary.

Moral: Never order the "healthy" items at McDonalds, as no one ever orders them and they have no idea how to make them. Oh, and never go to a McDonalds, ever, even though it's the only thing you can get when on or off the highway on a long haul car trip in America.

See all the photos here.

UPDATE: Wowsie! Check out The Apiary's adorable post on this and linkage from Gawker. Oh and somebody submitted this to Digg, so if you want to digg it click here. Thanks dudes. I like my revenge like I don't like my grilled chicken sandwiches -- cold!

Set your DVR's!

...for cancer, autism and dementia.

TV is very dangerous, sez scientist (who calls himself a Dr. even though he's only got a PhD).

Cute Westie? Or Autism-Causing Nightmare Hound????

Lovely news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just apply for a job at Phillip Morris, so I can feel good about what I do.

Private to scientist: Dude, why the hatin'? Did Sanjay Gupta key your car?


4 out of 5 Americans agree: "If watching a hunky South Asian neurosurgeon is wrong, I don't wanna be right."

Happy Valentine's Day


[ I'm suffering from a crippling case of V-Day sincerity, so you'll hafta insert your own tasteless joke about hot bitches here.]

UPDATE: My mom the romance writer has, understandably, more Valentine's Day eloquence than I. Check it!

UPDATE 2: I am trapped in the house today. I am drinking a cup of tea and wishing I had a cookie, or anything remotely tasty. But I never keep nice tasty things in the house because if I did, I would eat them. So I just reheated and chowed down on leftover cauliflower. Tea and mushy cauliflower during a nor'easter. How romantic.

Fluent in Corpobullglish

Today I came across an amazingly long and incredibly unfun Web producer job listing. The job listing ended with a wrap up of some skills a potential hire should possess. Below, check out a few of those skills, and my handy dandy guide to what they mean...
***

•Set expectations for deliverables and timing and motivate to deliver against them

TRANSLATION: MAKE OTHERS DO YOUR BIDDING -- FAST. CRACK THE WHIP.

•Manage team members through clear objective setting

TRANSLATION: REMIND UNDERLINGS THEIR ASS IS ON THE LINE.

•Promote teamwork and coordination across team members

TRANSLATION: TRY TO KEEP A LID ON THE BITCHING, YA DIG?

•Provide formal evaluations of team members at the close of project

TRANSLATION: YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO BE A JUDGEMENTAL CORPORATE TOOL. A PART OF YOUR SOUL WILL ATROPHY AND DIE. REMEMBER TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOW, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

•Ability to pro-actively anticipate obstacles and create solutions

TRANSLATION: DON'T F UP.

•Experienced with managing multiple projects simultaneously

TRANSLATION: WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU DO THE WORK OF FOUR PEOPLE. THE FOUR WE JUST FIRED AND/OR THE FOUR WHO JUST QUIT.

•Able to work effectively and collaboratively with other clients and vendors

TRANSLATION: YOUR JOB IS MAKING THESE LOONS WE WORK FOR HAPPY. YOU WILL HAVE TO KISS MORE ASS THAN SOMEONE WHO MAKES A LIVING MAKING OUT WITH DONKEYS.

•Able to bring structure to ambiguous situations

TRANSLATION: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING. HELP!

•Solid understanding of various development processes

TRANSLATION: MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? WE HAVE NO CLUE! HELP! HEEEEEELLLLLLLP!

•Ability to proactively manage risk

TRANSLATION: CUT DOWN ON FATTY FOODS AS THIS JOB WILL LIKELY GIVE YOU A STRESS-INDUCED HEART ATTACK.

•Ability to maintain and develop positive client relationships

TRANSLATION: PLEASE DON'T QUIT AND SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS BREAKING.

•Solution based problem solving

TRANSLATION: YOUR FUTURE BOSS IS SO CLUELESS YOU MUST DO HIS JOB. HE WILL GET THE BIG SALARY AND ALL THE CREDIT. ALSO, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE HYPHENS, DO YOU?


NOTE: No loyal fans, I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a F/T babysitter, 'member?

I am experiencing operating difficulties* -- please stand by!

But in the meantime, enjoy my Ed's fabulous take on ski movies in the FT's Arts and Weekend section. Read it here!

Oh and here's one he wrote last week on getting away to the Catskills. Hurrah for my man! Boo to my creative slack!

*Still desperately, actively seeking F/T babysitter/nanny type person, for I return to F/T work shortly. Apply within!

Christ: 1, Duck: 2

Duck comes back from dead, again.

My guess is that The Quackers are psyched.

Whatever you do...

Don't say, "the pen is mightier than the sword" to this guy.

Confession: I laughed when I read his lips had to be stitched back together. Is that a sin? "Thou shalt not laugh at the thought of thy neighbor's cougar-attacked lips being stitched back together, even if the photo that thou seest that accompanies thy story makes the entire thing hysterically funny"?

Yes, I've Fallen Down the Rabbit Hole
(Photos by my bestest pal S. Silverman)

Fact is I'm desperately searching for childcare. I'm going back to the network that shall remain nameless March 15th, and have no idea who will be caring for my baby. I've been contacting daycare centers up the wazoo. The main problem is that they violate the law in terms of # of babes per adult and/or they don't speak any English and/or they are madhouses where the babies are ignored. The one where the director was nasty, didn't speak English and the babies were in cribs that had torn black garbage bags loosely covering the bottom almost sent me over the edge... especially since that was the nicest place I'd seen.

I had post-partum elation, but ever since looking into childcare options in my area, I've fallen into that aforementioned k-hole. Rabbit hole. Same diff. I've been in touch with multiple agencies, the state's licensing board and had a corporate sponsored agency looking. Yesterday, after finding the umpteenth place that was violating the law, I went on a crying jag so long I thought my apartment would sink.

I live in Weehawken, which is a lovely town. The problem is it's the size of a lentil, and surrounded by not-so-nice areas. We're not far from Hoboken, but as that has 5 zillion children, I hear the waiting lists for childcare are so long your kid is already at Harvard by the time your # is called. But I am open to any situation in the NY area anywhere. And I would love to talk to anyone who can offer advice.

DAMNIT I WOULD EVEN CONSIDER MY BOY BEING RAISED BY WOLVES!

Why not? He'd be cared for. Licked throughly, taught pack skills... But this is the NY-area. Even wolves do not come cheap. Plus a live-in wolf always wants full moon nights off.

Here's what I posted on MySpace. If you, Internet community, know anything, please be in touch. I beg of you. Muchas Grassyass. If you can help me, I'll give you my first born... come to think of it, that'd solve my problem, wouldn't it?

Date: Jan 23, 2007 6:57 AM
Subject Help! Childcare: puttin' it out there
Body: Hey y'all. I know, most of you friends are single or childless -- LET ME SAY THAT WAS VERY CLEVER OF YOU! However, I have a new spawn. He is awesome, thanks. But I'm going back to work March 15th and I have no childcare. I desperately need advice, a nanny, info on acceptable daycare (ho ho ho!) or for one of you boys to be my Manny. But seriously, if you know of anything, or anyone wonderful or if you have a friend who might be up for a nanny share... or a wonderful woman who has a baby and who would like to consider an arrangement... or if you just have friends with kids in Hoboken I could talk to. Or something. Anything. I really need help, and would appreciate it bigtime. I live in Weehawken, NJ, a lovely town that's mega small.

Thanks in advance if you have read this entire long boring post!

xoxo,
Susie
(Yes, I know, Myspace is for pervs, not ladies looking for childcare. My apologies!)

Things you mightn't know...

1. Kettle corn is sweetened popcorn. Sometimes, it's made wiith sucrose and tastes like styrofoam with a baby asprin chaser. It makes one think they are being poisoned by Orville Redenbacher, or that there is no god, or both.

2. I have one very small mole, in an adorable place. Jealous much?

3. Eric Drysdale of The Colbert Report, gives a great interview. Especially when I'm the one dishing it.

Want a free iPhone?

Well tough tortillas, sweetheart, they aren't out until June and you can't afford one. However, you can get a cheap thrill by clicking here to read my scintillating interview with writer/comedian Chris Deluca!

yes, we smell the gas in weehawken.

mark my words: if it's a bad smell, it's coming from jersey.

Click here to check out my hot off the non-existent presses online exclusive chat with Jimmy Kimmel Live Producer Adam Spiegelman!

Aren't you dying to know what's on his mind? Clickez ici!

Things to do when you're crushingly lonely.

Check out the first image that comes up when you Google "naked elk." Pervy pervy elk!

Notice that when you Google "gardening in space", the results are rather thrilling, n'est pas?

But be warned that search results for "Spaz Casserole" are way less exciting than you'd think... much too dull for a link, I'm afraid. Honestly, I implore you not to Google this phrase yourself. Life is precious and should not be wasted in fruitless searches.

Oh and hey, this little snazzy icon of my mug is here to entice you to read part two of my sizzling interview with Satuurday Night Live writer Bryan Tucker. Click here to read it now and ward off soul-crushing lonliness.

Interview #2 Part the First Est Ici!

You can read part one of my interview with SNL writer Bryan Tucker right here.

Baby's first PR

What's pink and soft in the morning? This awesome profile of my spawn in the New York Observer's "Born Yesterday" column.

Note: Yeah, I'm not a copy editor, but who cares? Look at the baaaaaby! Baby baby baby!

UPDATE: Thanks to writer/editor/hot chick RKB for the linkage.

ALSO: Private to all those people who, after reading the Observer, are currently finding this site by googling "Susie Felber Weehawken." Thanks for your interest! But if you are a Weehawkenite, introduce yourselves, yo? Seriously. Especially if you're a mom. I needs me some mom friends, as just about all of mine were smart enough to leave the NY-area.*

*Smart enough = decided not to raise the baby in a closet cared for by an illegal nanny who costs more than that closet's monthly rent.

Read the first of my weekly conversations with comedy writers, producers, losers, etc. right here. All interviews are like this blog: a hobby, done for love and no money.* However, being made into a groovy logo by a groovy designer is totally groovy.

*Actually, I have made some coin from this blog. For example, I made $10.23 from back when I accepted blog ads. I have yet to collect it as I am too lazy/paranoid to set up a PayPal thingamahoob.

6 weeks ago to the day, I had a baby.

I am not complaining about stretch marks (check), exhaustion (check) or extra weight (check check check).

For I've also endured extreme fevers that made me do a St. Vitus dance, an infection that had me shooting pus and blood clear across a room and a nasty open wound that still needs tending.

But that hasn't stopped countless friends and family from asking, "Will you have more?"

As if I could think about going through what I am going through... again!

But after seeing this, I know the answer...














Yes, yes a thousand times YES!

Thanks for sending that link Wyatt, it was just the reproductive nudge I needed. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go.... try and have a bassist.

Speaking of nudges, y'all should buy the Girl Boss Guerilla DVD, a rolicking 1972 cult flick featuring expert commentary by my pal Wyatt.

HOT OFF THE ONLINE PRESSES!

Fur-ensic Files
By Susie Felber
You're familiar with famous critters like Benji and Toto but what about Niner, the cybernetic robodog? Weve ranked the top 10 crime fighting pets who protect, serve and pee on the carpet.

Read it now!

Note: This article was so heavily rewritten while I was on leave that I hardly recognise it. Still, it's not bad, eh?

UPDATE: The blog pound linked to this story! Love the write up. Thanks Leigh-Ann!

Update #2: Thanks to Miss C and Gina at Pet Connection for the linkage!

Believe You Me

All I've done in the past 3 weeks is sit on my duff*, yet my unstoppable showbiz career can not be stopped. Because it is unstoppable. To wit: a movie I am in got a new title and is set to be released this spring.

And thanks to the magic of MySpace, you can be friends with my movie. Or you could just watch the new trailer. This one even features me in a scene with Mo Rocca. Ha cha!

I'll Believe You: Internet trailer



*Sit on my infected, feverish, baby delirious duff.

I may be busy, exhausted and suffering from a raging infection...

But I can always find time to file a blog post.

We interrupt this blog's regularly-scheduled hilarious, insightful content...

for a ridiculous amount of adorable baby pictures.











Happy one-week birthday, Hugo!

Yes sir, that's my baby.

No sir, I don't mean maybe.

Hugo Norbert Holland, 10/28/06, 6 lbs. 13 oz.