Nerdtastic
Busy today so this post will be light on my trademark outrageous barbs of hilarity.
But you will get a sneak peek into my ultra glam life.
I have a new favorite site. This is the place I go when not cramming into a bathroom stall at B8 with Lindsay Lohan, Alan Rickman and Buddy Hackett's lifeless corpse.
Hummingbirds.net
It's an incredibly dense site full of all the information a bird nerd like me could want and then some. The Spring 2005 Ruby-throated Hummingbird migration map is what really turns me on -- yes, the talk of Hummers coming is HOT and no, they aren't talking about a car or a sexual act.
The site sells nothing, reaps no benefits from recommending products and seems to be the product of one person's obsession.
So I thank you, Lanny Chambers. Sites like yours make the web a many splendid thing.
Too much sincerity? Too little snark?
Too bad.
If you want to roll with Felber, you best be reportin' your first hummer.
Word to your Archilochus colubris and sporadic Rufous sightings.
Peace and I'm outta here.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
An Open Letter to Showtime and Tara Reid
Dear Showtime,
I see you've been creating a lot of buzz lately! Awesome!
You know, I sometimes think of actually subscribing to your channel.
But then I think, “nahhh.”
What I’m saying is, you either need to make better programs or blow up HBO.
Good luck!
Susie
PS I love Penn & Teller so I bought their DVD. Score one point for you.
Dear Tara Reid,
I know what you look like, I’ve heard of your outrageous party behavior and I’ve seen your infamous “nipple slip” photo. The crazy thing is, I have no idea what you do. As you are a blonde with big gazongas, I’m guessing you are an actress? If so, is there anything I may have seen you in?
Actually, I have no advice for you girlie. You are obviously doing something right.
Keep up the good work!
Your pal,
Susie
Dear Showtime,
I see you've been creating a lot of buzz lately! Awesome!
You know, I sometimes think of actually subscribing to your channel.
But then I think, “nahhh.”
What I’m saying is, you either need to make better programs or blow up HBO.
Good luck!
Susie
PS I love Penn & Teller so I bought their DVD. Score one point for you.
Dear Tara Reid,
I know what you look like, I’ve heard of your outrageous party behavior and I’ve seen your infamous “nipple slip” photo. The crazy thing is, I have no idea what you do. As you are a blonde with big gazongas, I’m guessing you are an actress? If so, is there anything I may have seen you in?
Actually, I have no advice for you girlie. You are obviously doing something right.
Keep up the good work!
Your pal,
Susie
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
A Personal Note to Rich Eccentrics who read this Blog
Dear Rich Eccentric,
Hi! Thanks for stopping by! As you are rich and eccentric, you probably find that it can be difficult to sift through all the things you can drop gobs of cash on in today’s world. So many kooky items, so little time, right? And need I even mention all the wacky/misguided causes campaigning to receive your largesse? I think not!
I’ve never asked for a donation for my blog (Are there no poorhouses?), nor do I have an “Amazon wish list” posted (Are there no libraries?).
No, I find all that very tacky, and I personally don’t think these people aim high enough.
Now you, rich eccentric, know about aiming high.
Because you, rich eccentric, are a go getter who worked your butt off and made a fortune on some crazy scheme, or you were born into money and think the lower classes just aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, you are all about self-reliance and outrageous success!
So, I figure you could relate to my aiming high. I am running a contest for Rich Eccentrics. The winner gets to buy me two tickets to the June 29th Jacques Pepin Dinner Package sponsored by and benefiting WLIW public television.
For a piddling $575 you can support a good cause and I, a very nice person if I do say so myself, can have two tickets to drink wine, eat a five-course meal and meet a cooking genius.
Pepin is a genius? Tell me more!
OK.
Yes, I know that it’s often difficult to cut through the accent and know what Jacques is saying. Why the other day I was shouting at the TV, “What did he just grind up and put on the salmon? It sounded like ‘mrfulefffle’ but it looks like…acorns…maybe?”
And sure, when Pepin pops food into his mouth on camera, it’s the opposite of Nigella Lawson-sexy. And yes, he doesn't mean to hurt but he can say little things that make you feel like an American pig like, "Actually we never make dessert at home, but if I have guests, I might make..." And of course, I know his constantly dirty hands can skeeve you out.
But:
Have you ever seen him show you how to turn all your old moldy cheese into a symphony of flavor? Or watched as he made a cassoulet 1, 2, 3? Or have you seen Pepin segment an orange in two seconds flat? It’s like poetry – except without the annoying feeling that you’re probably missing something.
That's the thing about Jacques . Like fine food and wine, it takes maturity and a love of food to appreciate him. If you would just as easily fling your food in the air than eat it, need a live band or a catch phrase to jazz up your cooking technique or if you are childish enough to "Oooh" and "Ahhh" like guilty little children when someone adds a fattening ingredient, you probably prefer a twinkie-weight TV chef.
Now that I've made my case, I know what you’re thinking… "What will I as a Rich Eccentric get out of this deal other than encouraging your liberal, boring-ass television? I mean, I don't even get to come with you? Sorry, but that sounds worse than a raw food diet."
Oh, you’re not thinking that? You really have way too much money and too little time to spend it? Excellent. Email me and I’ll tell you where to mail the tickets.
Official rules: Offer is limited to one (1) Rich Eccentric. In the event of multiple Rich Eccentrics chomping at the bit to send Susie to the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package, Susie will choose an Alternate Lovely Thing to receive. Every effort will be made to make Alternate Lovely Thing of equal or greater value than the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package. Possible gifts include but are not limited to: iPods, iPod docking stations, fancy digital camera, a new bicycle, or an absurdly indulgent spa treatment. Chances of winning depend upon the number of Rich Eccentrics participating. Good luck!
Dear Rich Eccentric,
Hi! Thanks for stopping by! As you are rich and eccentric, you probably find that it can be difficult to sift through all the things you can drop gobs of cash on in today’s world. So many kooky items, so little time, right? And need I even mention all the wacky/misguided causes campaigning to receive your largesse? I think not!
I’ve never asked for a donation for my blog (Are there no poorhouses?), nor do I have an “Amazon wish list” posted (Are there no libraries?).
No, I find all that very tacky, and I personally don’t think these people aim high enough.
Now you, rich eccentric, know about aiming high.
Because you, rich eccentric, are a go getter who worked your butt off and made a fortune on some crazy scheme, or you were born into money and think the lower classes just aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, you are all about self-reliance and outrageous success!
So, I figure you could relate to my aiming high. I am running a contest for Rich Eccentrics. The winner gets to buy me two tickets to the June 29th Jacques Pepin Dinner Package sponsored by and benefiting WLIW public television.
For a piddling $575 you can support a good cause and I, a very nice person if I do say so myself, can have two tickets to drink wine, eat a five-course meal and meet a cooking genius.
Pepin is a genius? Tell me more!
OK.
Yes, I know that it’s often difficult to cut through the accent and know what Jacques is saying. Why the other day I was shouting at the TV, “What did he just grind up and put on the salmon? It sounded like ‘mrfulefffle’ but it looks like…acorns…maybe?”
And sure, when Pepin pops food into his mouth on camera, it’s the opposite of Nigella Lawson-sexy. And yes, he doesn't mean to hurt but he can say little things that make you feel like an American pig like, "Actually we never make dessert at home, but if I have guests, I might make..." And of course, I know his constantly dirty hands can skeeve you out.
But:
Have you ever seen him show you how to turn all your old moldy cheese into a symphony of flavor? Or watched as he made a cassoulet 1, 2, 3? Or have you seen Pepin segment an orange in two seconds flat? It’s like poetry – except without the annoying feeling that you’re probably missing something.
That's the thing about Jacques . Like fine food and wine, it takes maturity and a love of food to appreciate him. If you would just as easily fling your food in the air than eat it, need a live band or a catch phrase to jazz up your cooking technique or if you are childish enough to "Oooh" and "Ahhh" like guilty little children when someone adds a fattening ingredient, you probably prefer a twinkie-weight TV chef.
Now that I've made my case, I know what you’re thinking… "What will I as a Rich Eccentric get out of this deal other than encouraging your liberal, boring-ass television? I mean, I don't even get to come with you? Sorry, but that sounds worse than a raw food diet."
Oh, you’re not thinking that? You really have way too much money and too little time to spend it? Excellent. Email me and I’ll tell you where to mail the tickets.
Official rules: Offer is limited to one (1) Rich Eccentric. In the event of multiple Rich Eccentrics chomping at the bit to send Susie to the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package, Susie will choose an Alternate Lovely Thing to receive. Every effort will be made to make Alternate Lovely Thing of equal or greater value than the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package. Possible gifts include but are not limited to: iPods, iPod docking stations, fancy digital camera, a new bicycle, or an absurdly indulgent spa treatment. Chances of winning depend upon the number of Rich Eccentrics participating. Good luck!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
An Open Letter to People in NYC who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops
Dear People who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops,
You add a lot of atmosphere! It’s amazing how, in your great numbers, you have made all the nice cafes in the city seem exactly like serving detention in my Jr. High School study hall -- and yet you are too old to be students! I am impressed by how you sit there for ages, taking up a whole table after only buying one coffee and maybe a biscotti.
Personally I would be embarrassed, but you have cahones!
I also think it’s cool how you all seem really into and passionate about your work. Like when I go to a café with a friend, and we start laughing about something, you always look over to scowl at us for disturbing your work. That never fails to make us feel bad -- and make you look like a tortured genius!
But I also like it when y'all form a ring around me at the cafe looking miserable, yet chic, as you use both your laptops and your iPods at once. Nothing says, "I will go to any length to have humanity leave me the fuck alone, so piss off and die" better. Sometimes I imagine the iPod ear buds are actually earmuffs just to have a little taste of what it'd be like being married to Jonathan Franzen!
Anyway, I know that if you ever decided to stop working on your laptop and actually talk to me, you’d tell me all about your screenplay. Then you’d find out that in the world of small-time artists, I’m actually way more successful and connected than you. Then, while you were trying to pump me for information, I’d be nice but make you feel really small for being a desperate, unpublished, unproduced, socially retarded aspiring artist. I’m actually a nice person, but I think this proves the theory that those who are abused (by people with laptops in cafes) become abusers themselves…
Actually, did you know I really like artists? Some of my best friends are artists. Specifically, all of them. And I like places that artists frequent. But as writing, designing, philosphizin' and all that are usually very solitary pursuits, I would think that cafe culture would be a great place for like-minded people to exchange ideas, sing bawdy songs and get jacked up on coffee and/or get shitfaced. Is it that you are not solitary people? Are you performing artists? If so, why do you have laptops? To my mind an actor needs a laptop as much as a fish needs a 401k. But I digress...
I am so perplexed by your taking up every seat in the cafes all day long and leaving no room for others, that I wondered... could it be that you are all homeless? It seemed absurd, especially because you all dress so much better than I do. But then I thought, perhaps you poor things have spent all your rent money on clothes. If so, please forgive me!
Or is it simply that you hate our consumer culture and so you get your kicks by ensuring that each capitalist business will be forced to fold due to your sit-in protests that are silent save for the tapping of your fingers on the computer keys? If this is the case, fine. But would you change your mind if you knew that these cafes are independently owned and operated?
For example, when you go to Jack's, that tall, dark and handsome guy behind the counter? He is named Jack and no, it's not a coincidence. Jack is a former actor who has invested his life savings in a place that seats about 20 people on a good day. He provides you with fresh baked organic excellentness that's either locally bought or from fair trade. He also hangs your art and puts on a variety of entertainment at night, to give artists a venue.
So, if you want to stick it to The Man, why not take your agression out on a chain? Why not join your cheap-ass brothers and sisters who are currently doing the good work by sitting for hours on end and buying nothing at Barnes & Noble?
In any case, I do want to thank you as well, for never going to the beautiful library we have in the nabe. At Jefferson Market I love how, when I want to do work somewhere other than my apartment (BTW did you know them laptops work at home as well? For real!), the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows, there are large tables and there are comfy chairs. And there's usually absolutely no one in the joint other than one or two retired dudes and a librarian.
I'll admit I was worried that this urban oasis would become overrun because it would seem like a natural for you people since it's free, completely peaceful and you don't have to buy that one measly cup of coffee to set up for as long as you want. But no, for the past six years, the library has not occured to you as an option.
Anyway, I was thinking... maybe if you didn’t take your laptop with you every time you went out, you might just meet someone and then you'd have a friend you could laugh with over cup after cup of coffee? Just a crazy thought…
See you at Doma, Jack's, Joe's, etc.!
Susie
Dear People who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops,
You add a lot of atmosphere! It’s amazing how, in your great numbers, you have made all the nice cafes in the city seem exactly like serving detention in my Jr. High School study hall -- and yet you are too old to be students! I am impressed by how you sit there for ages, taking up a whole table after only buying one coffee and maybe a biscotti.
Personally I would be embarrassed, but you have cahones!
I also think it’s cool how you all seem really into and passionate about your work. Like when I go to a café with a friend, and we start laughing about something, you always look over to scowl at us for disturbing your work. That never fails to make us feel bad -- and make you look like a tortured genius!
But I also like it when y'all form a ring around me at the cafe looking miserable, yet chic, as you use both your laptops and your iPods at once. Nothing says, "I will go to any length to have humanity leave me the fuck alone, so piss off and die" better. Sometimes I imagine the iPod ear buds are actually earmuffs just to have a little taste of what it'd be like being married to Jonathan Franzen!
Anyway, I know that if you ever decided to stop working on your laptop and actually talk to me, you’d tell me all about your screenplay. Then you’d find out that in the world of small-time artists, I’m actually way more successful and connected than you. Then, while you were trying to pump me for information, I’d be nice but make you feel really small for being a desperate, unpublished, unproduced, socially retarded aspiring artist. I’m actually a nice person, but I think this proves the theory that those who are abused (by people with laptops in cafes) become abusers themselves…
Actually, did you know I really like artists? Some of my best friends are artists. Specifically, all of them. And I like places that artists frequent. But as writing, designing, philosphizin' and all that are usually very solitary pursuits, I would think that cafe culture would be a great place for like-minded people to exchange ideas, sing bawdy songs and get jacked up on coffee and/or get shitfaced. Is it that you are not solitary people? Are you performing artists? If so, why do you have laptops? To my mind an actor needs a laptop as much as a fish needs a 401k. But I digress...
I am so perplexed by your taking up every seat in the cafes all day long and leaving no room for others, that I wondered... could it be that you are all homeless? It seemed absurd, especially because you all dress so much better than I do. But then I thought, perhaps you poor things have spent all your rent money on clothes. If so, please forgive me!
Or is it simply that you hate our consumer culture and so you get your kicks by ensuring that each capitalist business will be forced to fold due to your sit-in protests that are silent save for the tapping of your fingers on the computer keys? If this is the case, fine. But would you change your mind if you knew that these cafes are independently owned and operated?
For example, when you go to Jack's, that tall, dark and handsome guy behind the counter? He is named Jack and no, it's not a coincidence. Jack is a former actor who has invested his life savings in a place that seats about 20 people on a good day. He provides you with fresh baked organic excellentness that's either locally bought or from fair trade. He also hangs your art and puts on a variety of entertainment at night, to give artists a venue.
So, if you want to stick it to The Man, why not take your agression out on a chain? Why not join your cheap-ass brothers and sisters who are currently doing the good work by sitting for hours on end and buying nothing at Barnes & Noble?
In any case, I do want to thank you as well, for never going to the beautiful library we have in the nabe. At Jefferson Market I love how, when I want to do work somewhere other than my apartment (BTW did you know them laptops work at home as well? For real!), the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows, there are large tables and there are comfy chairs. And there's usually absolutely no one in the joint other than one or two retired dudes and a librarian.
I'll admit I was worried that this urban oasis would become overrun because it would seem like a natural for you people since it's free, completely peaceful and you don't have to buy that one measly cup of coffee to set up for as long as you want. But no, for the past six years, the library has not occured to you as an option.
Anyway, I was thinking... maybe if you didn’t take your laptop with you every time you went out, you might just meet someone and then you'd have a friend you could laugh with over cup after cup of coffee? Just a crazy thought…
See you at Doma, Jack's, Joe's, etc.!
Susie
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Felber’s College Guide
Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.
Harvard University
Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.
Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.
Who gets admitted?
Asians
Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.
University of Virginia
Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.
Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.
Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take
Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!
SUNY Albany
Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.
Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.
Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.
Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.
Bennington College
Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.
Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.
Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.
Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.
Smith College
Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.
Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.
Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+
Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.
Earlham College
Pros:
You won’t intimidate people
Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”
Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream
Did you know?
It really exists.
Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.
Harvard University
Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.
Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.
Who gets admitted?
Asians
Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.
University of Virginia
Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.
Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.
Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take
Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!
SUNY Albany
Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.
Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.
Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.
Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.
Bennington College
Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.
Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.
Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.
Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.
Smith College
Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.
Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.
Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+
Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.
Earlham College
Pros:
You won’t intimidate people
Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”
Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream
Did you know?
It really exists.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Punch up your night
I'm doing a show tonight in what Time Out NY called, "a decidedly upscale comedy venue."
Before the word upscale scares your cheap ass off, you should know that the show is absotootly free.
Yup, it's free as the grass grows, wind blows, free.
The comics should be dee-lightful, the venue's vibe is 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Austin Powers' rumpus room and the joint serves up awesome grub such as tempura string beans with a garlicky dipping sauce.
But with this crap weather, courtesy of Ming the Merciless, and the fact that many of my talented comedy buddies are also doing fab comedy shows tonight, I’m afraid the audience’ll be thinner than Nicholas Cage’s hairline…
Ba. (dumb). bum.
Anywho, come see tonight's show at Punch Lounge if you can.
No, wait, let's make this X-treme... come if you dare.
"Jab"
Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st
TONIGHT, Tuesday
Hosted by Katie McCabe
No Cover
Comedy Starts @ 7:30
This week: Michelle Buteau (VH-1)
Kelli Dunham (Gayety)
Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Insomniac)
Susie Felber (MTV2)
After the show, DJ David Handsome spins eclectic pop and new wave.
Drink and appetizer specials run all night
Hope to see you there.
I'm doing a show tonight in what Time Out NY called, "a decidedly upscale comedy venue."
Before the word upscale scares your cheap ass off, you should know that the show is absotootly free.
Yup, it's free as the grass grows, wind blows, free.
The comics should be dee-lightful, the venue's vibe is 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Austin Powers' rumpus room and the joint serves up awesome grub such as tempura string beans with a garlicky dipping sauce.
But with this crap weather, courtesy of Ming the Merciless, and the fact that many of my talented comedy buddies are also doing fab comedy shows tonight, I’m afraid the audience’ll be thinner than Nicholas Cage’s hairline…
Ba. (dumb). bum.
Anywho, come see tonight's show at Punch Lounge if you can.
No, wait, let's make this X-treme... come if you dare.
"Jab"
Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st
TONIGHT, Tuesday
Hosted by Katie McCabe
No Cover
Comedy Starts @ 7:30
This week: Michelle Buteau (VH-1)
Kelli Dunham (Gayety)
Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Insomniac)
Susie Felber (MTV2)
After the show, DJ David Handsome spins eclectic pop and new wave.
Drink and appetizer specials run all night
Hope to see you there.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Game ON!
Nope, not the NHL -- ME!
I'm doing comedy tonight:
Sweet Paprika
Village Lantern
8:30PM
(click the above for all the 411)
Come on down, and you can see me be funny plus say you saw me before I checked myself into the hospital suffering from exhaustion. Yes exhaustion.
Not "exhaustion". "Exhaustion" is what Hollywood starlets suffer from. Not sure what it is, but it seems to keep them slim...
No, without the quotation marks, it just means I'm just freakin' tired.
Later luvs,
Me
Nope, not the NHL -- ME!
I'm doing comedy tonight:
Sweet Paprika
Village Lantern
8:30PM
(click the above for all the 411)
Come on down, and you can see me be funny plus say you saw me before I checked myself into the hospital suffering from exhaustion. Yes exhaustion.
Not "exhaustion". "Exhaustion" is what Hollywood starlets suffer from. Not sure what it is, but it seems to keep them slim...
No, without the quotation marks, it just means I'm just freakin' tired.
Later luvs,
Me
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Fancy a funny benefit?
I'm going to be part of a benefit show tomorrow night. 100% of the proceeds from this show will go to the Red Cross for tsunami disaster relief. Although it’s out of the headlines, the recovery continues and the scope of the disaster is almost unimaginable.
It's a stellar lineup, so come on down and enjoy yourself while feeling oh-so good about your funky good-deed doing self.
Wednesday, February 9th
The Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St. (1 blk below Ave A. & Houston)
8:30 pm
$15 cover w/ reservation (all of it goes to the Red Cross) 2 drink min.
212.614.2500 for reservations and info
http://laughloungenyc.com
Lineup includes:
Dan Cronin Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Premium Blend
Andres du Bouchet voted one of the funniest comedians of 2004 by Time
Out New York, Nightlife Award Winner 2005
Ritch Duncan Writer Tough Crowd, founding editor of Jest magazine
Susie Felber US Weekly’s Fashion Police, Late Night with Conan O’Brien and of course fab copywriting at Court TV: The Investigation Channel...
Elon James White Improv, Stand Up New York
Rob Paravonian Premium Blend, VH1 & radio across the country
Plus a few special guests.
Brought to you by the lovely people at the Brooklyn Comedy Company
I'm going to be part of a benefit show tomorrow night. 100% of the proceeds from this show will go to the Red Cross for tsunami disaster relief. Although it’s out of the headlines, the recovery continues and the scope of the disaster is almost unimaginable.
It's a stellar lineup, so come on down and enjoy yourself while feeling oh-so good about your funky good-deed doing self.
Wednesday, February 9th
The Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St. (1 blk below Ave A. & Houston)
8:30 pm
$15 cover w/ reservation (all of it goes to the Red Cross) 2 drink min.
212.614.2500 for reservations and info
http://laughloungenyc.com
Lineup includes:
Dan Cronin Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, Premium Blend
Andres du Bouchet voted one of the funniest comedians of 2004 by Time
Out New York, Nightlife Award Winner 2005
Ritch Duncan Writer Tough Crowd, founding editor of Jest magazine
Susie Felber US Weekly’s Fashion Police, Late Night with Conan O’Brien and of course fab copywriting at Court TV: The Investigation Channel...
Elon James White Improv, Stand Up New York
Rob Paravonian Premium Blend, VH1 & radio across the country
Plus a few special guests.
Brought to you by the lovely people at the Brooklyn Comedy Company
Friday, January 21, 2005
Star Mangled Banner
So while watching the National Prayer service live just now, there was a tad of excitement, at least for me.
Everyone was singing the Star Spangled Banner, and it was sounding
grand and inspiring, what with their back up chorus of eunuchs or whatever. The focus was on the President and Vice, of course, and sure it was a bit distracting that Cheney's wife looks exactly like Barbara Walters (if Barbara had just risen from the crypt), but ya know, the 2nd lady looks pretty good for the undead...
Anyway they got to the rousing, "and the home of the Brave!" and then Bush, his peeps and the entire cathedral relaxed, got ready to say "Play ball", pack
it in and all that.
When suddenly, the 2nd verse started rolling over them like a great wave. The collective look of "FUCK" darted around the cathedral faster than Ricochet Rabbit when they realized they were not done. And to add insult to ignorance, no one other than the off-camera eunuchs, had any idea what the next verse was.
The next few seconds CNN panned around as people scrambled for their lyrics sheets and mumbled like guilty children who hadn't done their homework, "On the shore dimly seen?, thro' the mists of the deep?, Where the foe's hau-ghty??? host in dread? sil-ence reposes..."
CNN kept this up for only a few more seconds and then cut away because it was so dismal sounding, looking and anti-climatic.
Plus the people in the control room probably feared Cheney was going to declare war when they got to the 4th verse.
F. Scott Key indeed.*
*This post was originally an honest email to some friends... oh round about five minutes ago. I did not intend to post this here. I don't write emails and then turn them into blog posts. But now, I do. Or I did, just now. But I won't, after this. Anywho, if any of them see this I could, nay I will, be made fun of. Ye Haw!
So while watching the National Prayer service live just now, there was a tad of excitement, at least for me.
Everyone was singing the Star Spangled Banner, and it was sounding
grand and inspiring, what with their back up chorus of eunuchs or whatever. The focus was on the President and Vice, of course, and sure it was a bit distracting that Cheney's wife looks exactly like Barbara Walters (if Barbara had just risen from the crypt), but ya know, the 2nd lady looks pretty good for the undead...
Anyway they got to the rousing, "and the home of the Brave!" and then Bush, his peeps and the entire cathedral relaxed, got ready to say "Play ball", pack
it in and all that.
When suddenly, the 2nd verse started rolling over them like a great wave. The collective look of "FUCK" darted around the cathedral faster than Ricochet Rabbit when they realized they were not done. And to add insult to ignorance, no one other than the off-camera eunuchs, had any idea what the next verse was.
The next few seconds CNN panned around as people scrambled for their lyrics sheets and mumbled like guilty children who hadn't done their homework, "On the shore dimly seen?, thro' the mists of the deep?, Where the foe's hau-ghty??? host in dread? sil-ence reposes..."
CNN kept this up for only a few more seconds and then cut away because it was so dismal sounding, looking and anti-climatic.
Plus the people in the control room probably feared Cheney was going to declare war when they got to the 4th verse.
F. Scott Key indeed.*
*This post was originally an honest email to some friends... oh round about five minutes ago. I did not intend to post this here. I don't write emails and then turn them into blog posts. But now, I do. Or I did, just now. But I won't, after this. Anywho, if any of them see this I could, nay I will, be made fun of. Ye Haw!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Insert clever title here
After a month long blog sabbatical, I'm back chickadees.
There's too much to tell. But here's a shortlist of the most exciting developments in my life.
Snowshoes!
Pros: Walk over snow! Light as a feather! Great Exercise!
Cons: Baffling Bindings! Fingers got stuck to iced aluminum! I resemble a redheaded Yeti!
Living life to the fullest!
Pros: Joy! Productivity! Fuzzy thoughts!
Cons: Eating too much! Working too much! Pushing away thoughts of death gets darn tiring!
Lingerie!
Pros: An old friend created this groovy company called belabumbum and it's taking off! Soon, I will be writing fun stuff for them! FREE lingerie for me!
Cons: Free lingerie? How could there possibly be anything bad about that? That's right, there's nothing bad about that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go snowshoe until my bumbum is bela.
After a month long blog sabbatical, I'm back chickadees.
There's too much to tell. But here's a shortlist of the most exciting developments in my life.
Snowshoes!
Pros: Walk over snow! Light as a feather! Great Exercise!
Cons: Baffling Bindings! Fingers got stuck to iced aluminum! I resemble a redheaded Yeti!
Living life to the fullest!
Pros: Joy! Productivity! Fuzzy thoughts!
Cons: Eating too much! Working too much! Pushing away thoughts of death gets darn tiring!
Lingerie!
Pros: An old friend created this groovy company called belabumbum and it's taking off! Soon, I will be writing fun stuff for them! FREE lingerie for me!
Cons: Free lingerie? How could there possibly be anything bad about that? That's right, there's nothing bad about that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go snowshoe until my bumbum is bela.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Me, LIVE
I saw that someone came to my site searching for Susan Felber. This surprised me. Oh sure, people often come to my site looking for lusty hot & shaved take-out containers and pictures of box turtles in vintage panties doing the nasty with gummy bears. That kind of same old, same old stuff doesn't phase me.
But "Susan Felber" -- now that shocks me.
Although it is my real name, printed plainly on my birth certificate (You'll hafta take my word for it because I haven't seen the birth cert thingy in over a decade...)it was only lightly used when I wanted to be taken seriously as an intellectual (ages 7-10). For "Susan" is a very serious name, capable of very serious stuff.
"Susan" is someone who would do your taxes, singlehandedly plan a successful bake sale aiding legless Landseer's or drown your extra children in a lake.
In fact, if you Google "Susan Felber" right now, the first thing that comes up is a Dr. Susan Felber. This completely confirms my suspicions and fans my guilt: there is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't turned to "Susie" I would now be an M.D.
Then again, the upside is that you don't need insurance to see me.
So without further a-dew...
Tomorrow night I'm doing my 2nd appearance at a little show in a cool lounge.
Tomorrow, Tuesday Nov. 30th
Jab @ Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st, above Punch Restaurant.
Doors Open at 6.
No Cover
Comedy at 7:30.
This week's lineup: Mark Sam Rosenthal, Susie Felber, Sherry Davey, Kelli Dunham, and Rachel Feinstein. Hosted by Katie McCabe At 9, DJ David Handsome spins New Wave/Eclectic Pop/Electro Drink and Appetizer specials run all night. Includes $5 Apple Martinis and $7 Sesame Fried Calimari
This joint features buttery lighting, decor like 2001: A Space Odyssey's rumpus room and tempura stringbeans with garlicky dipping stuff that will make your nipples explode with delight.
I saw that someone came to my site searching for Susan Felber. This surprised me. Oh sure, people often come to my site looking for lusty hot & shaved take-out containers and pictures of box turtles in vintage panties doing the nasty with gummy bears. That kind of same old, same old stuff doesn't phase me.
But "Susan Felber" -- now that shocks me.
Although it is my real name, printed plainly on my birth certificate (You'll hafta take my word for it because I haven't seen the birth cert thingy in over a decade...)it was only lightly used when I wanted to be taken seriously as an intellectual (ages 7-10). For "Susan" is a very serious name, capable of very serious stuff.
"Susan" is someone who would do your taxes, singlehandedly plan a successful bake sale aiding legless Landseer's or drown your extra children in a lake.
In fact, if you Google "Susan Felber" right now, the first thing that comes up is a Dr. Susan Felber. This completely confirms my suspicions and fans my guilt: there is no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't turned to "Susie" I would now be an M.D.
Then again, the upside is that you don't need insurance to see me.
So without further a-dew...
Tomorrow night I'm doing my 2nd appearance at a little show in a cool lounge.
Tomorrow, Tuesday Nov. 30th
Jab @ Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st, above Punch Restaurant.
Doors Open at 6.
No Cover
Comedy at 7:30.
This week's lineup: Mark Sam Rosenthal, Susie Felber, Sherry Davey, Kelli Dunham, and Rachel Feinstein. Hosted by Katie McCabe At 9, DJ David Handsome spins New Wave/Eclectic Pop/Electro Drink and Appetizer specials run all night. Includes $5 Apple Martinis and $7 Sesame Fried Calimari
This joint features buttery lighting, decor like 2001: A Space Odyssey's rumpus room and tempura stringbeans with garlicky dipping stuff that will make your nipples explode with delight.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Normal Like Me
[Note: I wrote this NY Times Lives parody about a year ago. I showed it to two people. I figured one day I'd truly clean it up and maybe submit it. I never did. I am very lazy. But after trudging to work this morning and finding Gawker pointing me to this lovely Media Bistro article by James Rarus who also shares my obsession with the Lives column, I decided to take my dusty, messy "Lives" column piece out of my computer and post it here, on my blog that nobody reads. All of the Lives articles cited in the following piece are 100% real.]
Normal Like Me
You would think having a life without tragedy,
discrimination or addiction would be a good thing, but
it almost destroyed my brother.
By Susie Felber
My brother and I grew up in Indiana playing stick ball
in sun-dappled wheat fields. Our family wasn't rich,
but we never wanted for anything. Our father kept
food on the table; our mother lovingly prepared it. I
picture her rosy-cheeked and smiling as she canned
peaches. At night our father would read to us in
front of a roaring fire.
At school my brother and I were popular enough. We
were both solid B students. Thanks to our country
upbringing, our health has always been pretty good.
In 1985 I had a plantar wart; in 1993 my brother had a
cavity filled. We finished college, moved to
Philadelphia and secured good jobs. Our lives passed
without incident. But for my brother, his happy
existence became a rather big problem.
In 1997, my brother first read the Lives column in
The Sunday New York Times magazine.
Lives is famous for its first-person stories -
heart-rending and inspiring tales of addiction, of
racism, of orphans, of war-torn peoples and a thousand
other handicaps and diseases. And it was this one page
that sowed in my brother the seed of what was to
become a dangerous obsession: he longed to be the
subject of the Lives column.
He tried desperately to find the angle that would help
him realize his dream. Each Sunday he would call me
breathless with the details of the latest column.
"Susie! Did you read "Silent Bond" in today's
magazine? It's about the deep though unspoken bond
the author will always have with his younger sister
whose transplanted stem cells cured him of PNH, a rare
disease! It's so inspiring!! Hey, if I can somehow
develop PNH, will you promise to donate some stem
cells and have a bond with me? Call me! Please!"
Sometimes he'd email me. "Sue, did you see the column
"Black Like Her?" It's about how the author learns to
be black and successful and yet worries if she'll ever
figure out how to be successful and black. It's even
better than the one they did called "Black Unlike Me",
about a white woman who adopts a black kid. It's not
as good as "Getting Under My Skin", about the kid who
had a black father and white mother. Nor is it as
touching as "Primary Colors", about the black woman
with a white husband who has mixed feelings about
their child. Point is, are you absolutely sure no one
in our family is black? Dad certainly seems to tan easily
without burning. Call me!"
In January 1999 my brother went from just thinking and
dreaming to acting his fantasy out. He had read a
column titled "Electroboy" about someone having
electroconvulsive therapy to treat his manic
depression. The call came just as it did every
Sunday.
"Hey Sue! Great news! I'm having electroshock therapy
tomorrow! I can't find a doctor who will diagnose me
with depression. But I'm going to plug in my toaster
and stick a fork in it. One favor, Sue? since I might
have severe burns on my hands, can you write the
column for me in the 'as told to' style?"
Saturday, September 15th, 2001 was possibly the worst
day of my brother's life. Only four days after the
horror of 9/11 - a city in mourning.
"Sue! Help me, I feel so helpless and sad!" he sobbed
into my answering machine.
It seemed 9/11 had gotten to him. I felt a brief
moment of joy. For if my brother had been snapped out
of his obsessive pursuit, maybe something good could
be found in that tragedy.
I picked up the phone. "Bro, I'm here for you. Talk
to me."
"Oh Sue! I don't see the point of going on!"
"It's OK," I said. "Everyone will heal eventually."
"No you don't understand," he said. "This week's
column had a story of a single migrant fruit picker
dad who adopts a Navajo boy with AIDS. "Awee" dies
sleeping on his chest. How can I top that? Even if I
could get, say, someone to give me an HIV positive
Eskimo kid, how can I top being a migrant fruit
picker?"
I was sure he was putting me on. An article by a
migrant fruit picker who adopts an HIV positive Native
American? I told him he had to be kidding. In any
case, as it was a Saturday, how could he have gotten
the magazine?
He told me had quit his job and moved to Manhattan.
This way he could get the Times a day earlier. And
yes, the article was real.
I told him to give up his absurd desire to be the
subject of a hard-luck story. Why didn't he write a
mildly amusing Lives column instead? "Sue, they only
publish about one of those mildly amusing Lives
columns a year," he said. "And they're always by a
known mildly amusing author, such as Nora Ephron or
Calvin Trillin. If you are an unknown writer, the
only way to break in is through something tragic yet
poignant."
Sadly, I saw his point.
After that my brother spiraled out of control. When
the column was full of people who had witnessed bloodshed and war,
he joined the Marines. But during the medical exam,
they discovered his ability to play the saxophone.
They put him in the USO, far from any blood.
When he read "Reckless Entanglement", about a writer's
relationship to his drug and alcohol-addicted brother,
he begged me to write an essay about his chocoholism.
Last year, when he read "Egyptian Like Me", he told
our parents they had ruined his life by not being
Egyptian. Then he read about a woman with a bulimic
father and cursed our dad for not, "effectively
controlling his weight in a way that might benefit his
dreams."
He tried being gay, contracting AIDS and adopting a
kid, all to no avail. He read one column by a man shot
by fellow hunter and implored anyone he met to shoot
him.
And then, tragically, after reading two columns about
the challenges of being blind, he gouged his own eyes
out.
My brother finally had a real disability. And now he
seemed finally to be at peace. Not that he has achieved his dream.
But now, at least, he'll never be able to read the
New York Times Lives column ever again.
[Note: I wrote this NY Times Lives parody about a year ago. I showed it to two people. I figured one day I'd truly clean it up and maybe submit it. I never did. I am very lazy. But after trudging to work this morning and finding Gawker pointing me to this lovely Media Bistro article by James Rarus who also shares my obsession with the Lives column, I decided to take my dusty, messy "Lives" column piece out of my computer and post it here, on my blog that nobody reads. All of the Lives articles cited in the following piece are 100% real.]
Normal Like Me
You would think having a life without tragedy,
discrimination or addiction would be a good thing, but
it almost destroyed my brother.
By Susie Felber
My brother and I grew up in Indiana playing stick ball
in sun-dappled wheat fields. Our family wasn't rich,
but we never wanted for anything. Our father kept
food on the table; our mother lovingly prepared it. I
picture her rosy-cheeked and smiling as she canned
peaches. At night our father would read to us in
front of a roaring fire.
At school my brother and I were popular enough. We
were both solid B students. Thanks to our country
upbringing, our health has always been pretty good.
In 1985 I had a plantar wart; in 1993 my brother had a
cavity filled. We finished college, moved to
Philadelphia and secured good jobs. Our lives passed
without incident. But for my brother, his happy
existence became a rather big problem.
In 1997, my brother first read the Lives column in
The Sunday New York Times magazine.
Lives is famous for its first-person stories -
heart-rending and inspiring tales of addiction, of
racism, of orphans, of war-torn peoples and a thousand
other handicaps and diseases. And it was this one page
that sowed in my brother the seed of what was to
become a dangerous obsession: he longed to be the
subject of the Lives column.
He tried desperately to find the angle that would help
him realize his dream. Each Sunday he would call me
breathless with the details of the latest column.
"Susie! Did you read "Silent Bond" in today's
magazine? It's about the deep though unspoken bond
the author will always have with his younger sister
whose transplanted stem cells cured him of PNH, a rare
disease! It's so inspiring!! Hey, if I can somehow
develop PNH, will you promise to donate some stem
cells and have a bond with me? Call me! Please!"
Sometimes he'd email me. "Sue, did you see the column
"Black Like Her?" It's about how the author learns to
be black and successful and yet worries if she'll ever
figure out how to be successful and black. It's even
better than the one they did called "Black Unlike Me",
about a white woman who adopts a black kid. It's not
as good as "Getting Under My Skin", about the kid who
had a black father and white mother. Nor is it as
touching as "Primary Colors", about the black woman
with a white husband who has mixed feelings about
their child. Point is, are you absolutely sure no one
in our family is black? Dad certainly seems to tan easily
without burning. Call me!"
In January 1999 my brother went from just thinking and
dreaming to acting his fantasy out. He had read a
column titled "Electroboy" about someone having
electroconvulsive therapy to treat his manic
depression. The call came just as it did every
Sunday.
"Hey Sue! Great news! I'm having electroshock therapy
tomorrow! I can't find a doctor who will diagnose me
with depression. But I'm going to plug in my toaster
and stick a fork in it. One favor, Sue? since I might
have severe burns on my hands, can you write the
column for me in the 'as told to' style?"
Saturday, September 15th, 2001 was possibly the worst
day of my brother's life. Only four days after the
horror of 9/11 - a city in mourning.
"Sue! Help me, I feel so helpless and sad!" he sobbed
into my answering machine.
It seemed 9/11 had gotten to him. I felt a brief
moment of joy. For if my brother had been snapped out
of his obsessive pursuit, maybe something good could
be found in that tragedy.
I picked up the phone. "Bro, I'm here for you. Talk
to me."
"Oh Sue! I don't see the point of going on!"
"It's OK," I said. "Everyone will heal eventually."
"No you don't understand," he said. "This week's
column had a story of a single migrant fruit picker
dad who adopts a Navajo boy with AIDS. "Awee" dies
sleeping on his chest. How can I top that? Even if I
could get, say, someone to give me an HIV positive
Eskimo kid, how can I top being a migrant fruit
picker?"
I was sure he was putting me on. An article by a
migrant fruit picker who adopts an HIV positive Native
American? I told him he had to be kidding. In any
case, as it was a Saturday, how could he have gotten
the magazine?
He told me had quit his job and moved to Manhattan.
This way he could get the Times a day earlier. And
yes, the article was real.
I told him to give up his absurd desire to be the
subject of a hard-luck story. Why didn't he write a
mildly amusing Lives column instead? "Sue, they only
publish about one of those mildly amusing Lives
columns a year," he said. "And they're always by a
known mildly amusing author, such as Nora Ephron or
Calvin Trillin. If you are an unknown writer, the
only way to break in is through something tragic yet
poignant."
Sadly, I saw his point.
After that my brother spiraled out of control. When
the column was full of people who had witnessed bloodshed and war,
he joined the Marines. But during the medical exam,
they discovered his ability to play the saxophone.
They put him in the USO, far from any blood.
When he read "Reckless Entanglement", about a writer's
relationship to his drug and alcohol-addicted brother,
he begged me to write an essay about his chocoholism.
Last year, when he read "Egyptian Like Me", he told
our parents they had ruined his life by not being
Egyptian. Then he read about a woman with a bulimic
father and cursed our dad for not, "effectively
controlling his weight in a way that might benefit his
dreams."
He tried being gay, contracting AIDS and adopting a
kid, all to no avail. He read one column by a man shot
by fellow hunter and implored anyone he met to shoot
him.
And then, tragically, after reading two columns about
the challenges of being blind, he gouged his own eyes
out.
My brother finally had a real disability. And now he
seemed finally to be at peace. Not that he has achieved his dream.
But now, at least, he'll never be able to read the
New York Times Lives column ever again.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Flogging my wares
Tonight I'm hosting a little comedy show.
Jack Dempsey's
36 W 33rd Street
b/w 5th and 6th aves
NY, NY
8pm
Yes, it's less than 2 hours from now! All I can plead is that I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to hawk myself.
Why I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to spell check myself!
See the comment I received the other day regarding my previous post:
btw, a warewolf is a person who gets bitten at a flea market or at a mall.
A werewolf on the other hand is a person who gets bit by a werewolf.
Dang hecklers.
I'm telling you, they're everyware.
Tonight I'm hosting a little comedy show.
Jack Dempsey's
36 W 33rd Street
b/w 5th and 6th aves
NY, NY
8pm
Yes, it's less than 2 hours from now! All I can plead is that I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to hawk myself.
Why I've been so busy, I haven't even had time to spell check myself!
See the comment I received the other day regarding my previous post:
btw, a warewolf is a person who gets bitten at a flea market or at a mall.
A werewolf on the other hand is a person who gets bit by a werewolf.
Dang hecklers.
I'm telling you, they're everyware.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Detour
I'm just back from the UK and I seem to have what-might-be-entertaining-to-relate-on-a-blog lag.
So why not:
Read about my friend who was recently bitten by a warewolf?
Or spend a few minutes watching me in the new & exciting trailer for the star-studded movie First Time Caller?
Or worry your neighbors by filling your backyard with birdhouses made to look like old fashioned crappers?
Have a pleasant journey!
I'm just back from the UK and I seem to have what-might-be-entertaining-to-relate-on-a-blog lag.
So why not:
Read about my friend who was recently bitten by a warewolf?
Or spend a few minutes watching me in the new & exciting trailer for the star-studded movie First Time Caller?
Or worry your neighbors by filling your backyard with birdhouses made to look like old fashioned crappers?
Have a pleasant journey!
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Wednesday night, come on down to a hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Here's a show I'm doing that's so good, there is no doubt that it'll be almost as entertaining as The Infinite Cate Project.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
Wednesday, October 6th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one little coffee-type drink
Wednesday's guest comedians are some of NY's finest: Rusty Ward, Alison Castillo & Ophira Eisenberg.
Here's a show I'm doing that's so good, there is no doubt that it'll be almost as entertaining as The Infinite Cate Project.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
Wednesday, October 6th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one little coffee-type drink
Wednesday's guest comedians are some of NY's finest: Rusty Ward, Alison Castillo & Ophira Eisenberg.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Felber tonight
Better late than never, right?
I'm doing a set tonight, so see me, hear me, touch me, feel me*
When: 7:30
Where: Punch Lounge, 913 Broadway between 20th and 21st.
The lounge is above the restaurant.
The entrance is right next to the main one.
Price: No cover
Great drink specials and an awesome New Wave/Electro DJ after the show.
*Offer to touch and feel me may expire without notice.
Better late than never, right?
I'm doing a set tonight, so see me, hear me, touch me, feel me*
When: 7:30
Where: Punch Lounge, 913 Broadway between 20th and 21st.
The lounge is above the restaurant.
The entrance is right next to the main one.
Price: No cover
Great drink specials and an awesome New Wave/Electro DJ after the show.
*Offer to touch and feel me may expire without notice.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Casting Breakdown
I currently have a full time gig and I do comedy at night. Heck I'm doing a tiny show in the West Village tonight(full plugola below).
Gone are the heady days when I ran to casting appointments for the likes of Wendy's, but even though I'm no longer auditioning for stuff, I’m still obessed with the day-old casting breakdowns I receive from a source who shall remain anonymous.
I have my own breakdown everytime I cast an eyeball on them, because I always suspected commercials only want beautiful women and hideous/hilarious men. Having the casting breakdowns in front of me is worse, because it validates my paranoia by laying out the ad industry's bias in black and white.
Many of the funny dudes you see in commercials are good friends of mine. I love that these really talented boys can support their art by making buckets of money doing very little work.
But I'm also permapissed that commercials are practically not an option for the interesting funny women I know in comedy. That's why everytime I see another “wacky dork guy embarrasses himself in front of hot chick who has no sense of humor” commercial, I start foaming at the mouth.
Now here's a special treat! Enjoy REAL highlights from 9/21’s casting breakdown. I have redacted the contact information, but everything else is completely legit.
The first is for the lead in a Citibank commercial. They are looking for... drumroll... yet another ugly-ass dude:
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN:
[MALE] Caucasian, early 30's-mid 40's, a little offbeat and quirky, yet real. Needs to be able to do natural comedy. Ultimately, would love someone with a comb-over; will take someone who is balding, but with enough hair to build a comb-over, if necessary.
OK, I could show you all the many casting opportunities for hot women and dork men, but I've already grown weary of my bitching about the rampant sexism in commercials. I'm annoying even myself.
So, on a completely different tack, some casting notices can be funny themselves. Enjoy this Vincent-Gallo-with-a make-over-is-affable-leading-man-material.
HELZBERG DIAMONDS - Commercial
SAG COMMERCIAL
Conflicts: Jewelry
Director: Jelle Gerlings
Shoots: Oct. 5, 6, 7
Location: NY
Run: Spot, with Chicago as a major. Also runs on cable.
PLEASE SEND PICTURES/RESUMES TO:
[redacted!]
SEEKING:
[LEAD HERO GUY] Contemporary, modern, handsome man with presence who looks 35. Very sure of himself yet affable. Prototypes: John Cusack, Ron Livingston, young George Clooney, Vincent Gallo if he had just left the
barber shop. There will aso be print for this role. We should see scale folks and above.
[LEAD FEMALE HERO GIRL] 28-32 looking. She is sophisticated and beautiful with character and a compelling presence. She's more than just a beautiful woman. We should see scale folks and above.
[FEMALE SALESPERSON] Sells the Helzberg Gift Box to the lead guy. Hip and good-looking with a streetwise
edge. Good hands a plus. Scale.
[BARBER] Older character guy with an interesting Avedon-esque face. Scale.
[MOTHER] A natural beauty in her fifties. Scale.
[STREET MUSICIAN] Male, any age, natural beauty, interesting, compelling face. Should play saxophone or
trumpet. Example: Carl Hancock Rux. Scale.
OR, as a parting gift, enjoy the celebrity shortlist put together for a space exploration PSA.
Non-profit PSA which will promote space exploration, space education & science education.
CASTING DIRECTOR: [redacted]
Director: [redacted]
Contact: Dr. [redacted], Chief Science Advisor, X-Prize Foundation
Location: Flexible - will book recording studio near talent.
Date: Between 9.21-23 (1 hour)
Rate: Payment + Extras
We have a real space launch on the 29th of Sep so our time is extremely short to record a talent voice-over for a PSA that will show at this historical event. Need only 1 hour of time to record 1 minute of narration, will work with your schedule. X-Prize Foundation can pay a nominal fee to record the talent, offers VIP invitations to talent and their representation to attend the September and/or October launches of Paul Allen’s private sub-orbital spacecraft. As an added bonus, we also offer Talent a novel experience once reserved only for Astronauts -a flight in Zero-G airplane. Where talent will experience what it is to float in outer space for about 10 minutes.
Will Accept Actor Notes: yes Roles-Descriptions: X-Prize Foundation seeks a celebrity talent to narrate a PSA that will be shown during the historical launches to win the X-PRIZE. The first launch, will take place on Sept 29, 2004. This is a real space launch, not a TV show. This event is on par with the flight of Charles Lindberg and will be seen by over a billion people world wide.
17
This PSA will be shown at the upcoming X-Prize sub-orbital space ship launch at Mohave on Sept 29, 2004, and then distributed to 500 -1000 media outlets which will attend this launch. Over a billion people will see the launch
(live and recorded).
The space craft was tested on June 21, 2004 with a single pilot. The next flights will take 3 people, which are required to win the X-PRIZE. These launches will mark the beginning of space flight for the general public. XPrize seeks a celebrity with the skills to meet the excitement of these historical space launches.
Example of talent we are seeking to represent this and the future X-Prize Cup event are as follows:
Angelina Jolie
Gwyneth Paltrow
Jennifer Garner
Cameron Diaz
Sharon Stone
Christine Baranski
Halle Berry
Ellen Degeneres
Julia Roberts
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Tom Hanks
Harrison Ford
Tom Cruise
Nicolas Cage
Leonardo DiCaprio
John Goodman
Mike Myers
Sean Connery
Ewan McGregor
Bruce Willis
Jude Law
Brad Pit
Colin Farrell
Anthony Hopkins
Samuel L Jackson
Matt Damon
Liam Neeson
PLEASE CONTACT DR. XXX ASAP XXX TO SUBMIT.
There's "payment + extras" offered. What could those extras be? Launching Ellen so she can finally meet her ex-girlfriends family? OK, that was a stretch. I'm busy right now, give me a break on my lack of funny.
Anyway, who would *you* cast to represent space? Sharon Stone seems a natural to me...
See you tonight at Jack's?
Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
TONIGHT
Wednesday, September 22th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.
Tonight features guest comedian action from NY's finest: Rena Zager, Chris Jurek and Paul Sullivan
I currently have a full time gig and I do comedy at night. Heck I'm doing a tiny show in the West Village tonight(full plugola below).
Gone are the heady days when I ran to casting appointments for the likes of Wendy's, but even though I'm no longer auditioning for stuff, I’m still obessed with the day-old casting breakdowns I receive from a source who shall remain anonymous.
I have my own breakdown everytime I cast an eyeball on them, because I always suspected commercials only want beautiful women and hideous/hilarious men. Having the casting breakdowns in front of me is worse, because it validates my paranoia by laying out the ad industry's bias in black and white.
Many of the funny dudes you see in commercials are good friends of mine. I love that these really talented boys can support their art by making buckets of money doing very little work.
But I'm also permapissed that commercials are practically not an option for the interesting funny women I know in comedy. That's why everytime I see another “wacky dork guy embarrasses himself in front of hot chick who has no sense of humor” commercial, I start foaming at the mouth.
Now here's a special treat! Enjoy REAL highlights from 9/21’s casting breakdown. I have redacted the contact information, but everything else is completely legit.
The first is for the lead in a Citibank commercial. They are looking for... drumroll... yet another ugly-ass dude:
CHARACTER BREAKDOWN:
[MALE] Caucasian, early 30's-mid 40's, a little offbeat and quirky, yet real. Needs to be able to do natural comedy. Ultimately, would love someone with a comb-over; will take someone who is balding, but with enough hair to build a comb-over, if necessary.
OK, I could show you all the many casting opportunities for hot women and dork men, but I've already grown weary of my bitching about the rampant sexism in commercials. I'm annoying even myself.
So, on a completely different tack, some casting notices can be funny themselves. Enjoy this Vincent-Gallo-with-a make-over-is-affable-leading-man-material.
HELZBERG DIAMONDS - Commercial
SAG COMMERCIAL
Conflicts: Jewelry
Director: Jelle Gerlings
Shoots: Oct. 5, 6, 7
Location: NY
Run: Spot, with Chicago as a major. Also runs on cable.
PLEASE SEND PICTURES/RESUMES TO:
[redacted!]
SEEKING:
[LEAD HERO GUY] Contemporary, modern, handsome man with presence who looks 35. Very sure of himself yet affable. Prototypes: John Cusack, Ron Livingston, young George Clooney, Vincent Gallo if he had just left the
barber shop. There will aso be print for this role. We should see scale folks and above.
[LEAD FEMALE HERO GIRL] 28-32 looking. She is sophisticated and beautiful with character and a compelling presence. She's more than just a beautiful woman. We should see scale folks and above.
[FEMALE SALESPERSON] Sells the Helzberg Gift Box to the lead guy. Hip and good-looking with a streetwise
edge. Good hands a plus. Scale.
[BARBER] Older character guy with an interesting Avedon-esque face. Scale.
[MOTHER] A natural beauty in her fifties. Scale.
[STREET MUSICIAN] Male, any age, natural beauty, interesting, compelling face. Should play saxophone or
trumpet. Example: Carl Hancock Rux. Scale.
OR, as a parting gift, enjoy the celebrity shortlist put together for a space exploration PSA.
Non-profit PSA which will promote space exploration, space education & science education.
CASTING DIRECTOR: [redacted]
Director: [redacted]
Contact: Dr. [redacted], Chief Science Advisor, X-Prize Foundation
Location: Flexible - will book recording studio near talent.
Date: Between 9.21-23 (1 hour)
Rate: Payment + Extras
We have a real space launch on the 29th of Sep so our time is extremely short to record a talent voice-over for a PSA that will show at this historical event. Need only 1 hour of time to record 1 minute of narration, will work with your schedule. X-Prize Foundation can pay a nominal fee to record the talent, offers VIP invitations to talent and their representation to attend the September and/or October launches of Paul Allen’s private sub-orbital spacecraft. As an added bonus, we also offer Talent a novel experience once reserved only for Astronauts -a flight in Zero-G airplane. Where talent will experience what it is to float in outer space for about 10 minutes.
Will Accept Actor Notes: yes Roles-Descriptions: X-Prize Foundation seeks a celebrity talent to narrate a PSA that will be shown during the historical launches to win the X-PRIZE. The first launch, will take place on Sept 29, 2004. This is a real space launch, not a TV show. This event is on par with the flight of Charles Lindberg and will be seen by over a billion people world wide.
17
This PSA will be shown at the upcoming X-Prize sub-orbital space ship launch at Mohave on Sept 29, 2004, and then distributed to 500 -1000 media outlets which will attend this launch. Over a billion people will see the launch
(live and recorded).
The space craft was tested on June 21, 2004 with a single pilot. The next flights will take 3 people, which are required to win the X-PRIZE. These launches will mark the beginning of space flight for the general public. XPrize seeks a celebrity with the skills to meet the excitement of these historical space launches.
Example of talent we are seeking to represent this and the future X-Prize Cup event are as follows:
Angelina Jolie
Gwyneth Paltrow
Jennifer Garner
Cameron Diaz
Sharon Stone
Christine Baranski
Halle Berry
Ellen Degeneres
Julia Roberts
Catherine Zeta-Jones
Tom Hanks
Harrison Ford
Tom Cruise
Nicolas Cage
Leonardo DiCaprio
John Goodman
Mike Myers
Sean Connery
Ewan McGregor
Bruce Willis
Jude Law
Brad Pit
Colin Farrell
Anthony Hopkins
Samuel L Jackson
Matt Damon
Liam Neeson
PLEASE CONTACT DR. XXX ASAP XXX TO SUBMIT.
There's "payment + extras" offered. What could those extras be? Launching Ellen so she can finally meet her ex-girlfriends family? OK, that was a stretch. I'm busy right now, give me a break on my lack of funny.
Anyway, who would *you* cast to represent space? Sharon Stone seems a natural to me...
See you tonight at Jack's?
Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
TONIGHT
Wednesday, September 22th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.
Tonight features guest comedian action from NY's finest: Rena Zager, Chris Jurek and Paul Sullivan
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Sunday Night Live -- Get Up, Stand Up
Tomorrow night I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.
Sunday, September 19th
Get Up, Stand Up @ The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm
www.getupcomedy.com
Here's the stellar line up, hand selected by producer Angela Bowers:
HOST:
Bobby Tisdale - Cinema Classics "Invite Them Up", www.blackpeopleloveus.com
WITH:
Seth Herzog - PSNBC, Hamptons Comedy Festival, "Sweet" @ Slipper Room
Jordan Carlos - PSNBC, ECNY Nominee "Best Male Stand-Up 2004"
Susie Felber - US Weekly, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" sketch player
Becky Donahue - "Tough Crown w/Colin Quinn", "Eating It", PSNBC
Chelsea Peretti - VH1 Commentator, Touring Comedian
Tomorrow night I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.
Sunday, September 19th
Get Up, Stand Up @ The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm
www.getupcomedy.com
Here's the stellar line up, hand selected by producer Angela Bowers:
HOST:
Bobby Tisdale - Cinema Classics "Invite Them Up", www.blackpeopleloveus.com
WITH:
Seth Herzog - PSNBC, Hamptons Comedy Festival, "Sweet" @ Slipper Room
Jordan Carlos - PSNBC, ECNY Nominee "Best Male Stand-Up 2004"
Susie Felber - US Weekly, "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" sketch player
Becky Donahue - "Tough Crown w/Colin Quinn", "Eating It", PSNBC
Chelsea Peretti - VH1 Commentator, Touring Comedian
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Fight Tropical Depression
Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
TONIGHT
Wednesday, September 8th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.
Check out 9/8’s impressive guest comedian action!
Todd Levin – writer, comedian, co-producer of HTKP. Here’s Levin in the Onion.
Matt Goldich – Comedy Central Laugh Riots semi-finalist. Here’s his blog.
Tom McCaffery – Comedy Central’s Premium Blend. His Comedy Central profile.
Susie Felber contributes to US Weekly’s Fashion Police, recently appeared on MTV2’s “Not a Good Look” and has played a whore many times on Late Night w/ Conan O’Brien. She’s also written for written and/or appeared on things big and small (but mostly small) for Comedy Central, ABC, MTV, Lifetime, Oxygen and Court TV.
Sara Polon is a stand-up comedian who also produces the always sold out Charity Comedy Jams and has done sketch with quite a few groups, including “The Brothel”.
Amber Tozer performed in front of huge throngs for the Women’s Rights March in D.C. this year, her writing has appeared in The Onion and she’s currently “punching up scripts” for TV...rumor has it she beats the crap out of them.
Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
TONIGHT
Wednesday, September 8th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.
Check out 9/8’s impressive guest comedian action!
Todd Levin – writer, comedian, co-producer of HTKP. Here’s Levin in the Onion.
Matt Goldich – Comedy Central Laugh Riots semi-finalist. Here’s his blog.
Tom McCaffery – Comedy Central’s Premium Blend. His Comedy Central profile.
Susie Felber contributes to US Weekly’s Fashion Police, recently appeared on MTV2’s “Not a Good Look” and has played a whore many times on Late Night w/ Conan O’Brien. She’s also written for written and/or appeared on things big and small (but mostly small) for Comedy Central, ABC, MTV, Lifetime, Oxygen and Court TV.
Sara Polon is a stand-up comedian who also produces the always sold out Charity Comedy Jams and has done sketch with quite a few groups, including “The Brothel”.
Amber Tozer performed in front of huge throngs for the Women’s Rights March in D.C. this year, her writing has appeared in The Onion and she’s currently “punching up scripts” for TV...rumor has it she beats the crap out of them.
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