Thursday, August 17, 2006

Riddle me this

Q: What's black and white and read (and red and black and greenish yellow) all over?

A: Two new books by two people I know!

Perhaps I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't come in the same Amazon shipment, but behold my camera phone pic of the spines of Microthrills by comedian Wendy Spero and Schrodinger's Ball by my brother Adam Felber...
microschrodinger
Ladybugs humping; ladies legs crossing...

Yeah, they both feature a sexy little icon next to the author's red and black names. Both books came out this month. Both are very funny, well-reviewed...

schrodingersmicrothrills

Similarities: Colors, style, pub dates of 8/06, both by seasoned comedy performers, both from NY, both now living in LA, both have worked in TV & the fact I know both these people personally and professionally (Adam a tad longer then Wendy).

Differences: Wendy's is non-fiction; Adam's is fiction. Wendy's first name is red, Adam's first name is black. Wendy's last name is black, Adam's last name is red. They are published by different companies.

In conclusion: These books are startlingly similar.

The question I put to you, my readers: Am I right or am I right???

PS I just saw this book, Rejuvenile, on my friend RKB's site. Not as similar, but the red and black type thing plus the colors... well it's all the rage, eh?
Rejuvenile

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

My-hawkin'

Longest_Mile
Below you'll find a fabulous article by my Ed about moving to Weehawken. It recently came out in the FT Weekend Magazine. As the mag is not published in the U.S., I am happy -- no thrilled -- to pimp it here, complete with the excellent, snazzy illustration by Chris Duggan. Note: Click here to see and read the article in its original mag form, or read it below in text sans pic.

The Longest Mile
By Ed Holland
Published: August 5/6 2006
FT Weekend Magazine

Weehawken, land of contrasts! An oasis of residential tranquillity nestling a mere 15 minutes from the throb and hum of Manhattan’s Times Square! A verdant suburban paradise from whose manicured lawns and hedges one gazes awestruck over the most spectacular city skyline in the world!

Thus might run a demented property agent’s description of Weehawken. Thus, in only slightly more restrained terms, ran my own, to anyone who would listen. About Weehawken, where I was moving after years of living in Greenwich Village, I felt I had something to prove. Not only was it not in Manhattan, it wasn’t even in New York. It was - whisper it low - in New Jersey. My socio-geographical difficulty was poignantly reflected in New Yorkers’ reaction to my new address: “Where?”

Most cities, London being an obvious example, are essentially circular, radiating a gradual falling off of social acceptability on all sides. On the whole, the further you live from the centre, the less likely you are to talk about it. Hence the sly geographical elisions whereby, in the course of dinner party chit-chat, a street in, say, Kilburn miraculously finds itself part of St John’s Wood.

New York, up to a point, functions in a similar fashion. The vast outlying reaches of Brooklyn and Queens ascend gently in cachet as they approach the pinnacle of desirability that is Manhattan (no one will ever write I’ll Take Queens). And then. and then, well, nothing. On the west side of Manhattan, New York hits the Hudson River and the city stops dead. On the other side of this brutal escarpment lies a dark and strange-smelling land called “Jersey”, the undiscovered country from whose bourn - unless one is absolutely forced to fly into Newark airport - no traveller returns. Social death.

My move to Weehawken, a sliver of a neighbourhood perched on the cliffs above the Hudson opposite midtown Manhattan, involved a geographical displacement of approximately one mile; but to my New York acquaintances I had fallen off the edge of the world. Many, on hearing the news, would look down in embarrassment as if I had been recently exposed as a bankrupt or bigamist. Others, after consulting the etiquette book on this most delicate of situations, would bravely invite me out for a last dinner, “You know, before you, ah, leave us.” The valedictory tone suggested I was going off to join a monastery in Baja California or to become a lighthouse keeper in the South Sandwich Islands.

The disdain for “bridge and tunnel” types amongst proud Manhattanites - Big Apple veterans who had lived there for as long as, oh, two years after growing up in such impossibly glamorous locales as Michigan or Indiana - was nothing new. More damaging was the attitude of those across the East River. Smarting from years of being taunted themselves by the snobs on the island, people living in laughably obscure parts of Queens - approximately 1.7 miles further from the Empire State Building than Weehawken (I measured it) - sneered with delight at my news. At last somebody lower than them! In the boondocks they might be, but you wouldn’t find them sporting an “NJ” before their ZIP code.

Rather than accept my demise, I came earnestly to the defence of my new home, explaining in fevered detail the frequency of buses from Weehawken to Manhattan (”round the clock, by the way”), the extraordinary speed of the journey, even in rush hour, and the many convenient locations from which one could board this nonpareil of mass transit. This was before I mentioned the possibility of taking the ferry (”only seven minutes shore to shore”), which I portrayed as a uniquely magnificent travel experience whose luxury and speed evoked a rare combination of the Queen Mary and the Orient Express.

To no avail. Many diagnosed a case of protesting too much. “Fifteen minutes to Midtown? Yeah, right. That’s what everyone says when they move out of Manhattan.” Others, feeling themselves in the presence of a delusional maniac, nervously pretended to be impressed so as not to provoke me. Some even said they “couldn’t wait” to come and see the place, although unfortunately prior engagements have so far prevented them from making the journey.

Then, in a plucky attempt at civic rebranding, my wife began referring to Weehawken as “The Hawk”. Surely, under this subversive new soubriquet, we could reignite on the west of the Hudson the bohemian flame we left behind in Greenwich Village: a new Left Bank for the 21st century!

It would appear that this is an artistic movement that needs time to develop. The poets, gallery owners and kinetic sculptors have been oddly reluctant to jump on the 166 bus from Port Authority and feel for themselves the creatively energising experience of being stuck in traffic in the Lincoln Tunnel for 25 minutes. But they will come. The shopping facilities are just too good. We have a Burger King and a McDonald’s. And the library has late opening on Mondays and Wednesdays.

In the meantime, if you happen to be flying into Newark, do drop in on your way to Manhattan. Please.

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

My Brother's Book Reviewed in the New York Times -- today!

For reals! Check it out!
Coming soon:

1. I will tell you about the Schrodinger's Ball cover change SCANDAL! (See Wal-Mart for old cover)

2. AND about how he and a talented funny woman I know both have funny, well-reviewed books out this month whose covers feature mysteriously similar red and black typeface over electric greenish yellow... AND about how they both secured quotes from those in The Daily Show cartel. AND furthermore, I will explore the truth re: are Daily Show veterans writing their own book cover quotes, or are they farming the work out to witty Thai children who are forced to churn out hundreds of amusing book quotes a day?

3. I will attempt to divulge whose hand that is in his author picture!

4. And I will spill ALL the beans about how Adam's life-long habit of dressing like a pirate almost ruined his marriage!*

But for now, go buy his book! Available today wherever fine books are sold! Like here!
schrodingers ball redone

*That last one was a lie. But an entertaining one, right?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Betta + Mirror =

1 Pissed Fish (talk about being at war with one's self...)
Betta to the max01
"Grrr!" "And stay out!" "Talk to the fin!"

Because when you don't have eyelids, a staring contest can provide a lifetime of fun...

Friday, August 11, 2006

You Betta You Betta You Bet
Betta you betta you bet
You ever have one of those days where the summer intern who sits next to you comes to show off his going-away gag gift of a "piranha" and he is seriously disappointed when you tell him it's not a piranha and so the fishes value goes down in his 19-year-old intern eyes and you're sorry you said anything for had you known that he didn't know, you may have let him down easier (or mocked him harder), but anyway he's about to hit the airport and he's certainly not taking the thing (besides, one can assume that if hair gel is banned, large, open, filled tanks with fish miiiiiight be) so the intern tells you the thing is consigned to death by starvation or media company plumbing and you are horrified (but mainly astounded by the fact that people would get a college boy a living thing as a surprise), so you offer to take the thing and he puts it behind your trash can because he liked the gag and his internship and doesn't want his department to know he didn't take his overpriced Manhattan fighting fish and he quickly bolts for a family vacation on the left coast and then you realize -- oh craptastic -- you are going to have to get a small fish in a large bowl across town and there's no way not to look like a freak doing that, especially not when the one carrying the fish is seriously pregnant, but more importantly, how do you transport it without dropping it because that would be bad especially since your care-taking hormones are running on high and if anything happens to the little guy you will have a nervous breakdown, like you need the stress of something else to be responsible for but then you lift the fish up and onto your desk and spy that the fish is watching CNN and happily waving his fronds and fins at the screen as you type and he's wormed his way into your heart and you see the years of water changes and pellet buying spread out in front of you and instead of feeling like you're caught in a bear trap the confinement feels like an embrace and the only worry you have is, "What should we name him?"


You know, one of those days?

FYI He's really pretty but a crap swimmer so I'm thinking of naming him Nat or Titan.*

*As in Natalie Wood or Titanic

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Great Discoveries in History

Fire!


S'mores!
smores

Felber's first camera phone pic!
pic phone 8.9.06
"I kiss you!"

Note: Scientists believe that someday Felberkind may discover how to put on makeup before taking a picture.

(This of course will come after time travel, flying cars, and an electable Democrat for president, but it's possible)

Yeah, those are ponytails I'm sporting today, what of it?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Purple coneflower sunset
Purple Coneflower; Echinacea purpurea
Taken 8/6/06 at my weekend cabin's little garden

Yeah, Echinacea -- the same junk you hippies buy to help boost your immune systems. This year the deer ate 98% of my coneflowers (even though I planted them specifically because deer aint suppos'd to eat 'em). So if you don't see the deer sneezing and holding hankies in their hooves, you know the stuff works.

You want more funny? Scroll down. This post is all about showing off one of the pics I took yesterday and bitching about the fallacy of the "deer resistant" plant...

Friday, August 04, 2006

NYC Real Estate so HOT -- it's throbbing.

I came across this ad for One Hanson Place, a new luxury building in Brookyn:

The current tagline is "Own a Piece of History." But my years as a professional copywriter tell me they really missed a chance to say something special about this unique property.

I humbly suggest they use...

"One Hanson Place: Live in a Giant Penis"

Yes, "Live in a Giant Penis" is short, to the point and really says it all. Plus it's much better than the first tagline I wrote...

"One Hanson Place: Because nothing says you're a dick more than paying over $900,000 for a two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn surrounded by traffic jams, a scuzzy train station and zero greenery."

Hurry, units are going fast!

And this building is REALLY HARD TO BEAT!!! (oh ho ho ho)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Thanks BBC!

Dear BBC.CO.UK,

I am writing in regards to your article about today's heat, Emergency in NY as city swelters !

I particularly liked the illustrative photo you chose: half-naked black children playing in fire hydrants. Was this photo from an episode of Seasame Street circa 1975?

Because I have lived and worked all over Manhattan for over a decade. I have never, EVER seen a black baby, or any baby for that matter, playing in a fire hydrant. I feel cheated.

In any case, thank you for continuing to give my British relations a gritty, stereotyped, outdated impression of Manhattan. It's photos like these that make them thrill to think Serpico still roams the streets and Kojack is on the case!

Yours,
Susie

PS It was a bold choice not to take a picture from any of the parks we've built in the last 20 years to see children playing in beautiful urban sprinklers. Like here. Or here. Or you could've taken this picture featuring topless lesbians with perfect ta tas cooling off in Washington Square fountain. I think people would've enjoyed that one a lot.

UPDATE: A nice co-worker informed me that Gawker linked to this post. Then sometime after 5PM, the BBC changed the photo on the story cited above to this pic of an old man who is too poor to afford an air conditioner, too frightened by the mean streets to venture out and too heterosexual to pick out nice curtains:

Mr. Hooper, is that you?

And so I say bully to you, BBC, for providing the world with an even more depressing, downscale image to represent New York City in the heat!

Now, if you'll excuse me, y'all can play in your fire hydrants and peer nervously out the window, but I'm off to have a beautiful BYOB dinner cooked by Bruce Springstein's former personal chef.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Friday, July 28, 2006

In Manhattan, it's not the heat

...and it's not the humidity neither. It's the smell that the heat brings up. Today 40th street smelled like a melange of pee, corpses and exhaust.

"Oi, did an antelope die in here?"

It makes one long for the kinder, simpler summer smells of my childhood such as:

Eau de Ferret-Filled Apartment

Halal Meat Cart Splash

Chanel # Homeless Guy with Gangrene

Monday, July 24, 2006

Below, check out a don't-miss article by my Ed about the opening night concert we attended at Bethel Woods, which is on the grounds of the original Woodstock site. This was published in the Financial Times Arts & Weekend section with a big pic of the post-concert fireworks. And Ed might be embarrassed by my kvelling about his stuff, but that's what you get for hooking up with an American, boy-o!

No sign of the spirit of '69
By Ed Holland


You had to be there, man. Hurd Road, in the sleepy, blameless town of Bethel in upstate New York, hadn't seen traffic like this for 37 years. Actually it had never seen traffic like this. In 1969 it had funnelled the ragged masses of the long-haired, the tie-dyed, the flowered, the drugged and the defiantly young before they debouched blissfully from their multicoloured VWs into the natural amphitheatre of the greatest happening in the history of the counterculture.

In 2006, by way of contrast, it was a long, sleek armada of Mercedes SUVs and BMW convertibles that, chivvied and channelled by the state traffic police, bore their moneyed, groomed, overwhelmingly middle-aged occupants to the smooth gravel rows of Parking Area South.

At the original Woodstock festival, they sent in army helicopters only when the bedraggled foot soldiers of the Age of Aquarius looked as if they might starve to death. Now, on the night of the inaugural concert at the Bethel Woods Center for the Arts, the spanking new open-air "facility" constructed on the site of the epochal 1960s event, the parking lot hummed with the kind of purposeful movement that suggested one had stumbled upon the staging area for a military invasion years in the planning.

Of course, no one apart from a few hippie veterans was expecting, much less hoping, that the anarchy of Woodstock would be recreated. It was the New York Philharmonic performing at the opening night, not Hendrix. But surely a little of its spirit would endure amid the tasteful landscaping, the paved walkways and the interpretive centre (that essential component of the 21st century cultural venue). Surely, after paying $20 for the privilege of sitting on the lawn, one might feel free to throw off bourgeois restraint for an evening and indulge wildly in a small picnic or, perhaps, a bottle of wine with one's fellow music-lovers underneath the warm summer sky. Isn't that what you're supposed to do at these things, at Tanglewood, at Kenwood House, at Central Park?

Not if the organisers had anything to do with it. Amid the fanfare in the run-up to opening night, Bethel Woods had also laid out, in a depressing little euphemism, its guest policies. A handy primer on how not to enjoy yourself, this turned out to be a long, petty and exhaustive list of prohibitions on what guests - that is to say, paying customers - might bring to the concert or do while at it: no food, no booze, no soft drinks, no drink coolers, no smoking. No nothing. Sit there quietly on your blanket (permitted) and enjoy the show.

In fact it is not quite accurate to say that no drink was allowed. In a concession of bureaucratic and surreal specificity, the organisers had determined that it was acceptable to bring "one bottle of factory-sealed water per person". At Woodstock, famously, the only policy to which guests were subject was not to take the acid if it was brown. At Bethel Woods, the partying hordes were enjoined not to drink the water if it came in a bottle that was not factory-sealed. There were those who complained that this contravened the spirit of '69. It would also have contravened the spirit of the average church bazaar, village fete or knitting circle. Far out.

Thus, as I approached the turnstiles, all thoughts of music had been pushed aside by a single urgent question: would my wife get in with her cunningly concealed block of cheese (not factory-sealed) and plastic knife? (Metal knives were banned, possibly for anti-terrorism reasons, as if we were boarding an airliner rather than entering a large field.) In a victory for hedonists everywhere, she got through without a hitch. Others had not been so lucky. At the foot of each gate lay long, admonitory lines of confiscated bottles, like the rows of guns and knives the police like to display for the cameras after a successful raid. Clearly there were guests who had been unaware of the policies or could not believe they would be enforced. I saw wine, beer, Coca-Cola, champagne and scotch. But the most prized catch must have been the single, incriminating bottle of unopened Perrier that stood there. Either the celebrated French mineral water is not factory-sealed or, more intriguingly, not water.

Once inside, or as inside as it's possible to get in a thousand-acre meadow, I was interested to note the presence, at intervals of about 10 yards, of a string of concession stands, all topped by the familiar Budweiser logo and emitting the universally recognisable aroma of frying fat. A Coors Light in a plastic bottle or a limp hamburger served on a cardboard dish was at all times close at hand. One could have been at any sports stadium. The thinking behind the policies became clear: less puritanical bossiness (although the forbidding of alcohol to "those appearing under 30 years of age" suggested this played a part) than commercial logic: if you must eat and drink during your Tchaikovsky, then you'll have to buy it from us.

Gnawed by thirst and daunted by the prospect of three hours of light classical music without refreshment, I queued to buy a mini-bottle of Chardonnay for $5. When I got back to my blanket I noticed that all my wine had leaked out through a crack in the little plastic beaker. I felt a lowering of the mood and, as darkness fell, took a walk around the astonishingly beautiful grounds.

Then, towards the end of the "1812 Overture", the cannon smoke cleared to reveal, dotted across the immaculate grass, the sight of a hundred picnics being openly consumed. Some reckless, romantic souls had taken on the soulless money men and outwitted them with smuggled camembert, cherries and Sauvignon Blanc. Fight the power! The music ended and a stupendous firework display filled the sky. For a moment, the acrid tang of the gunpowder smelt like victory.

Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2006

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Modern Day Chicken/Egg Dilemma

Do fat men like ATV's?

"Ahhh, I love feeling the wind against my perennial fat man sweat!"

Or do ATV's make men too fat to pursue any other sport?

"I got winded turning on the ignition...is there a remote for that?"

I've no idea. Do you?

Incidentally, I've wondered the same thing about dudes who love jet skis...

"FYI, I haven't seen my genitals since she was conceived!"

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Oh happy day!

Before wrapping up for the day, I wrote a line to be beamed out to thousands that said, in part, "...craves your mail like a panda with PMS craves chocolate-covered bamboo."

And it made me happy. In fact, it suddenly made up for a horrible day, one that began auspiciously when I almost blacked out from the heat on what became a two-hour journey to work.

Just take away the hooves; add a jazzy polyester maternity outfit, and this could be me on my commute this morning.

And so I'm reminded of this bit from "Some Dark Thoughts on Happiness" an article by Jennifer Senior in New York Magazine:

"And from Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less, I come across the most compelling, persuasive, and revolting study of them all: Two separate groups of men, when given colonoscopies, reported less discomfort if the instrument sat in place for a few seconds after the procedure, even though it prolonged the exam. The reason is that the final moment involved less pain. Apparently, we define and remember our experiences by their highs, lows, and how they end."

Susie signing off saying, here's hoping your day ends painlessly, and your end is never in pain.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Untitled #428

Aw, what a cute whittle kitten...

I vant to march on Poland!

Sorry, you what?

You dare question Der Furer?

Apologies to the lovely Flippy and Leigh-Ann for insinuating one of their new kittens might be Hitler reincarnated.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Master Casting
Thinking about being an actor? Before you quit your day job read our look at what casting directors are looking for. Hint: it involves naked women.

by Susie Felber

Read it here and now on Hollywood Heat!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Introducing: The Veri's

I am proud to announce a brand new awards ceremony that will take place in February 2007: The Veri's. The 1st Annual Veri's will honor the best in the art and science of word verification on the Web. They will be hosted by me, and many well-known performers will be on hand to present the awards.

Although most of the awards will be determined by a panel of judges, you can vote in The People's Choice Veri's. For example, vote now for your favorite verification word in the category: SEXINESS. Here are the nominees...

"gkshx" in red cladding is a very classic hot and sexy verification word.

"grrvb" broke the "g" verification word mold with ground-breaking blue.

"dmmizst" is a coy verification word. The "mm" says there's something tasty in this word, while it also seduces Web surfers with a hint of "z" and the "st" leaves one with the promise of something more.

Rules: All verification words are eligible. To be considered for The Veri's, submit your best verification word in gif or jpg format, a written brief of no less than 400 words outlining your word (must include demonstrated results) and a non-refundable $250 deposit.

Note: The Veri's are a wholly-owned trademark of Snooge & Co. All rights reserved. And yes, the Veri's are silly. But we just think we're a tad more interesting and worthy than that scam Web Awards ceremony known as The Webbys.

UPDATE: Will MySpace sweep The Veri's with their trippy Peter Max-esque verification words? See two of their entries below!



Whoa, MySpace, your verification words are blowing MyMind!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

world-cup_header

You can read my "final" thoughts on the World Cup right here on TNR's Goal Post blog.

Germans waving goodbye to the World Cup...


PS In other news the German government has informed me this week that they found my grandfather's assets. Of course, these "registered assets" may be all of two rusty tin spoons, but the point is it was very nice of them to look in all the cupboards after, oh, 70 years. And my father, were he still alive, would have been made glad.

S S MOUZINHO PHOTO  [immigrantships[1].net-v6-picturesv6-mouzinho
This is the ship for orphans that my father and his older sister came to America on. They were on one of three voyages from France that rescued 311 children.

Here are some amazing photos I found of Jewish refugee children waiting to board the Mouzinho. One of the photos shows a child that looks just like my father, but as I can only see his eyes and his height, maybe I am imagining it.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Virtual Postcard from the Catskills

It's HOT during the day.
Far fetched

And cool at night.
Man's best friend
Zzzzz, ZzzZZZzzz, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

We are enjoying the fireworks.

Both natural
Hummingbird Porn
Fireworks au nat
Lily

...and manmade.
firew red
fire w peep
Fireworks Bethel Woods

Wish You Were Here
Bee Balm Jean 'n Sue's view
...and all that jazz.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Now for a public service announcement...
KFlogo

FREE SHIPPING UNTIL MIDNIGHT

Free shipping on all orders until midnight tonight! Enter the coupon code GOKINKY in the discount coupon code at the bottom of the shopping cart, and get FREE SHIPPING on your entire order!

Offer expires tonight at midnight. Help us beat our fundraising goal by the reporting deadline of June 30th and save on shipping on great Kinky Friedman merchandise.

http://www.kinkyfriedman.com/xcart/home.php

Susie says: I've already got a black girlie T for me and one of these, below*, for everyone's favorite NYC sex columnist/erotica writer/cupcake lover, my pal RKB.


It's time to mess with Texas... in a good way

*Can''t get the pic of RKB's shirt now. Will post later.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Enjoy my dog on a picnic table...
6.25.06 David Barkham?
How did mutt from the Bronx become an England fan anyways?

Then enjoy more of me on The New Republic's fabulous World Cup blog...
world-cup_header
My latest post entitled, "The Week in Review" is right here.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

PARTY (not in my pants) !

Hey WWW, why not spend your evening celebrating the launch of HelloHilarious.com?
hellomedhilarious
Fun! Go! Hooray, hoorah!

I can't make it as I have a hot date with my man to run out after a full day of work to purchase a not-unreasonably-priced bed for our cabin from the Ikea in Satan's Anus New Jersey. Jealous much?