Republican Convention (Found) Poetry

This is an actual transcript of a conversation I overheard at around 6pm yesterday at a drug store on 3rd avenue and 41st street.

I call this poem:

What the woman behind me at Duane Reade said while talking on her cell phone.

If they want to
Fuckin'
Blow that fuckin' shit up,

I don't care.

I'm not
coming in.

I told them,

"I am not gettin' a fuckin' asthma or a panic attack."

I'm leaving
from tomorrow.

I'm takin'
a car
right after work.

I'm not
comin' back
till September 7th.

I'm not
coming into Manhattan.

No way.

I'm going
to the Bronx.

(Spanish word, Spanish word, Spanish word)

They can fire my ass.

***

PS See below for info on the Red Cross Benefit I'm performing in tonight and my other upcoming shows.

Summer Reruns

It's hotter than a clam's crotch out there today. You can actually see the smell lines coming up from the pavement. Sorry but as I'm currently off sunning myself in an air-conditioned office, I can't be bothered to be clever.

Instead, here's a re-listing of jazzy upcoming shows I'm doing where I will be incredibly clever, Thor willing.

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present --

Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Check out the impressive guest comedian action!

Jen Kerwin, Becky Donahue, Eric Kirchberger

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm
Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
P: (201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!

Update!
Tix are $10 and there's a 2 drink minimum.
All door money goes to the Red Cross; all drinks go down your throat.

Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm
The Village Lantern167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)
Featured comics:Dan Cronin, Bryan Olsen, and me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to MC it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).


*A globe of the greater NY area

Dog (Walker) Eat Dog World

A woman in my nabe recently tried to sell me on her new dog walking service.

Along with her vitals (and a hot photo of her blissfully getting smooched by a pug and a large pooch) the colorful flyer stated that she was a "13-year vegetarian."

This is a selling point?

It's true that until that moment I had never worried that a dog walker might eat my dog.

But now, I guess I do.

There is little doubt that someone who hasn't had hard core protein in 13 years is the one most prone to snap and suddenly see my Stan at the end of the leash as a starving cartoon character might see him.

So no thanks, I'll pass.

Get Up, Stand Up

On Monday I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.

Monday, August 16th
Get Up, Stand Up
The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm


Here's the ace line-up:

Host : Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Luna Lounge)

w/
Tom Shillue: (Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart)
Neal Brennan: (writer; Chappelle's Show, writer; "Half Baked")
Eddie Brill: (Late Show w/ David Letterman, Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn, Comedy Central Presents)
Jon Corbett: Comedy Central's Premium Blend
Becky Donahue: (Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn)
Craig Baldo: (Last Comic Standing, VH1 All Access, Premium Blend)
Susie Felber: ("First Time Caller", US Weekly)

This show is brought to you by Angela Bowers, Liam McEneaney & the letter M.

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm

Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd
Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
(201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!


Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm

The Village Lantern
167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)

Featured comics:

Dan Cronin
Bryan Olsen
And me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to do it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).



*A globe of the greater NY area

I'm not dead, I'm doing gigs on Long Island

OK, so maybe this is a sort of death, but I have actually found doing shows on Long Island can really be quite exciting.

First there's the fear. I don't just have issues with Long Island -- I have a whole subscription.

I grew up on Long Island. It's the only place that still scares the poop out of me. Since I conquered stage fright way back when dinos ruled the land, but I'd sooner put poisonous snakes in my panties than face the past, Long Island really delivers a potent cocktail of white hot fear. Iraq might be no picnic, but have you ever been deployed to Islip? I didn't think so. Performing on the soil of my ancestral homeland is the only way to really up the stakes.

Then there's the pay. Shows in the sticks (read: anywhere outside of Manhattan), actually pay you. That's not why I perform, but it's nice.

Then there's the people. For the most part, they like me. Each time I hit the L.I.E. I expect my mind-numbingly awful Jr. High experience to be repeated and I brace for it. Doing these shows is like getting in a time-machine, going back and finding that magically everything on Long Island has changed for the better. How is this possible? Did someone tinker with the space/time continuum, severely altering everything in the future? Yes. Go back a whole bunch of years and you'll see: I sneakily picked myself up a wheelbarrow full of confidence, and it changed Long Island forever.

Tonight I'll be performing at The Rare Olive Lounge in Huntington. If anyone who reads this actually shows up, I will buy you a drink and an elk. That's my promise. Free drink/ free elk. Hell, I'll even throw in a year's supply of colored plastic wrap to jazz up your leftovers if you actually show up. See you there!

I'm not dead, I'm in US Weekly

Once again you can see me and my hilarious comments on page 106-107 of US Weekly in this week's Fashion Police.

Also in the same issue, notice that Britney Spears is 22 years old on page 44, and then 23 years old on page 50.

The camera may add 10 pounds, but the column inches sure can pack on the years...

This issue is brilliant and not only has the skinny on J-Lo's suspected shotgun wedding, but it also has:

Info on Julia Roberts and her twins-to-be and then info and pics from Julia's husband's pregnant ex.

Courtney Cox and her pregnancy

The first sigthing of Helen Hunt and her baby w/stars bring their spawn to school.

A 2-page feature on Denise Richerds entitled, "How I Lost the Baby Weight" followed by a feature on "More Mommy Makeovers"

A little piece called "Battle of the Celebrity Strollers" featuring Kate Hudson and Gwyneth

Pics of Angelina Jolie romping in a bikini with her baby and an exclusive on her plans to adopt another baby

A bit piece called "Hank Azaria Honors Gwyneth's baby"

And more baby news including, 5,000 pictures of Lindsay Lohan (zing!)


"Oh, now I get it" credit goes to Gawker for pointing me to this little item.

File it under: Someday I hope to be this funny

Listen to the songs of Sam and you too can know true joy.

Coq au Vin

I don't just want to hawk a show I'm doing this Sunday becuase that would make today's entry way too spamy. So I'll tell you two interesting tidbits first:

I performed for thousands of people last weekend in DC. I hung with members of Congress, met a very nice former member of SNL (one I had always had a wee little comedy groupie crush on), and partied down at the house of an infamous former president's wife's brother. Why do I put it that way? It is so the poor sap isn't associated with me via a Google search... that couldn't be good for either of us.

In other news, the BBC has just announced they are adding even more breakthrough programming to their line-up - cool!

Now on to the spam-a-riffic info on how to see me in a big little show:

"Friends and Family"
Sunday, May 2nd @8pm
Beauty Bar
231 E. 14th Street, between 2nd & 3rd Aves.
FREE

Hosted by Josh Haness, this fun show with mod stage also features the comic stylings of Matt Gitlin, Seth Morris and me, Susie Felber.

PS You might've noticed this post has nothing to do with coq au vin. I noticed that too. Freakin' weird, right? It must be a Blogger bug because I always write pithy titles.

Journalism Piss up

When I was a little ringlet-haired thing riding in our faux wood-trimmed Ford station wagon, I got very upset as we passed a cemetery.

When asked what was wrong, it was with bitter jealousy that I remarked, "Dead people always get the best flowers. It's not fair!"

Yeah, I would've forgotten that if not for the fact that each time my family drove by a graveyard they seemed to slow down as they recounted the hilarity of that moment for eveyone's pleasure but mine.

I'm happy to report that at this great age I am not jealous of dead people's flowers...

I'm insanely jealous of the glowing and extended obits that always seem to be reserved for journalists.

Still, this one in The Washionton Post was very cool.

Yes, it's another long-winded eulogy to a journalist, but I truly liked this one for long, long time Washington Post columnist Mary McGrory.

Since the Post requires annoying yet free registration, I've excerpted my favorite part here, for you:

"Gailey talked of the heyday of the Star, when a bottle of booze might one day pop up in the newsroom and lead to an inevitable song-filled gathering outside McGrory's office. She never could get accustomed to The Post's sober newsroom events centered around a ceremonial cake, Gailey said. Even when the paper won three Pulitzers, everyone just ate cake. She thought of retiring, but couldn't. "She simply could not bring herself to face the cake."

Yes, please bring back the booze and the flasks in the drawers of the hardened old newsmen, the green glass-shaded desk lamps, the smoke-filled newsrooms, the little leather visors and all the other things that would make me run, not walk, to go work at a newspaper.

Please?

Awesome show tonight

Here I am busy/lazy, mostly just cutting and pasting from the lovely Becky D's spam. Join us if you can...

TONIGHT -- Wednesday, April 21st

The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Ave B at Third St.
Weds @ 8pm sharp
Take the f train to second Ave
$5 cover buys your first drink
(rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water)

With your host, Becky Donohue
Featuring: Credits:
Jess Wood ~ Got Wood? And a new solo show coming down the pike
Abby Scott ~ Her parents make their own grandkids
Susan Prekel ~ Montreal
Nikko ~ Man about town
Dani Cohen ~ Premium Blend/ Chapelle Show
Amber Tozer ~ Tues night show at the Laugh Lounge
Susie Felber ~ On her way to the march for women in DC to perform outdoors in the middle of the city and party down with funny feminists a plenty!

Alive and Kicking, Kicking for Your Love

It's true I've never updated my blog religiously, but that's only because I didn't want to go through all the trouble to get a blog-friendly prayer mat, blog-scented incense, & cyber-silver blog offering plate (e.g. the ever-popular "Donate to me via Pay Pal" crap).

But there has been a rip in the blog space/time fabric since I last bragged, er, I mean, blogged here.

See I got me a shiny new job. I'm the in-house writer for a TV network that shall remain nameless.

The bad of it was that I had to quit my Comedy Central freelance stuff. You'd better check out the links to my stuff on ComedyCentral.com before they go all Felber-free.

The good of it is I'm working with wonderful people, I dig the new challenges and frankly, having been a freelance writer/performer since I left Comedy Central's staff in '98, having a regular gig is appreciated. There are lots of excellent perks to being staff in TV that I had forgotten about.

Some of the perks may not seem so great to you. On my first day when I went to the supply closet and the guy loaded me up with pens -- FREE PENS!-- why I almost cried with happiness. I'm serious. Easily pleased, I guess.

Still I wouldn't trade my freelance carving-out-a-life experience for anything. Although I didn't rake in the money (except that full year I wrote and produced promos for Lifetime and was still able to hold down a bunch of other jobs... ah, those were the days) I never had a day job, I didn't have to carry office politics around my neck, I did what I pleased and I never had a job that wasn't writing or performing.*

The freelance artist life is good. I recommend it highly. If being a freelancer doesn't kill you, it might just make you stronger.

And even if it doesn't make you stronger, it will certainly make you appreciate the free pens.

Love 4 and to my 4 loyal readers,

me

*I am leaving out my brief stint this December as a Tarot-reading psychic at Cornell medical school's HR department's Christmas party that took place at an Upper East Side Mexican Restaurant. I also neglected to mention the talent agency that booked me into a few weeks of taking surveys at both Harlem and Ozone Park Citibank's while giving away shitty water bottles while wearing an embarrassing, huge Citibank polo shirt. I do not mention these in my artist pep talk because they are too embarrassing to share and would certainly ruin my glamorous queen of all media/sexpot image.**

** I am also leaving out the horror of having no health insurance and I must therefore thank the cab drivers of NYC for not running me over during those years and my body for only giving me ailments that could be either painfully endured yet neglected for long periods of time or ailments that, in lieu of anti-biotics could be effectively treated by consuming enough Nyquil to kill a Kodiack bear.***

***I'm not sure if I spelled "Kodiack" right. You see I just read an article in Vanity Fair on some bear nut guy who travelled to Alaska only to get mauled in the end but I was sleepy and/or on the subway when I read it.****

****Oh, nothing more to say, I've simply gone asterisk-happy.

Felber Tonight

Fresh off slaying them at Soho House, I'm performing tonight in a wonderful show. Since life is a cabaret, why not come to a carbaret and feel welcome? That sounded cheesy, must working on my selling it... Anyway, it is a good show in an intimate yet hopping venue. The lighting is nice too, so there.

Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

It's POOLE PARTY!
Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from US Weekly and MTV2!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Ahead of the (pathetic) Curve

Last Monday, fresh off my gig writing copy for a chain restaurant I accepted a pretty cool in-house writing job with a TV network that shall remain nameless. I start next Monday.

Today Neal Pollack confessed that even as a hot young author stud, he wrote copy for the likes of Weight Watchers and 1-800 Flowers.

I love this. I love him for saying it.

Oh hey, did you hear that? That's the sound of all the aspiring young things who want to live the life of an artist clawing and scratching their way out of the cafes and into a copywriting gig.

Enough with the bragging already!

Instead of rubbing in the fact that I'm performing at the SoHo House tomorrow night and all you huddled masses aren't allowed to attend... allow me to show you a link to my wonderful friend's short film that is about the huddled masses, yearning to rock free.

Check out this little labor of love by comedian Rob Paravonian on his home town of Waukegan, Illonois.

I'm a big (So)Ho

This Wednesday night I'm performing at Soho House. The infamous NY Soho House, dahlings.

Thing is, it's a members-only affair. I'm allowed one guest, and that's it.

I'm not a member, but still able to perform. Groucho Marx said something like, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

I say, "I refuse to join any club that I can't afford to become a member of."

And I add, "But I'm totally psyched to snarf down dinner and drinks and get to perform my comic stylings for very possibly wealthy, or at least probably media-connected others who will all try to act like they aren't looking for celebrities or they don't think it's awesome to be so very lucky to be drinking and dining in the ultra-cool spot of the moment."

Will my appearance and my dorkiness that can't be scraped off mark the end of Soho House's cool quotient? Or will my appearance ignite a Felber-induced burning hot hotness that will crown it the coolest place ever from now to eternity?

Let's be honest here people...most likely the latter.

Clever Takes a Holiday

I'm sleepy today. So very sleepy that even after 5 cups of instant coffee all I can bring myself to do is promote some of my upcoming shows in a bland copy and paste manner.

Could it be someone is pumping gas under the door? Or is it just that on this, the first day of spring, it's currently snowing and the snow that is dropping has the weight and heft of rat pellets and I'm so pissed off I've decided to hibernate straight through to Memorial Day? Yeah, that could be it. See you next summer!

Or, if I decide to amble out of my cave to get in a few comedy sets, you can see me at one of the following shows:

This Wednesday @ 7pm I'm doing Poppi Hour.

Poppi Hour is at The Duplex
61 Christopher Street
(at 7th Ave.)
NYC, NY 10014

From the site:
Featuring comics seen on Letterman, E! and Comedy Central, this wild evening is certain to get you over that Hump Day! There's NO COVER, two-for-one drink specials, and tons o' laughs...

Then on Saturday, March 27th @ 8:30pm...

It's POOLE PARTY!
Award-Winning Stand-Up
& Musical Comedy
Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th Street
(between 8th & 9th Aves.)
$10 cover, 2 drink min.
Reservations at (212)757-0788

Hosted by the wonderful MAC award-winning RON POOLE

And starring:

Joe Caulfield from The Graham Norton Show!
Susie Felber from Comedy Central...'s website!
Eris Migliorini from The 52nd Street Project!
Shelagh Ratner from Gotham Comedy Club!
Michael Clark from Stand-Up New York!
Vicki Van Tassel from Carolines On Broadway!
Gabe Waldman from Boston Comedy Club!
Sidney Myer from Grandma Sylvia's Funeral!
Nancy Witter MAC Award Winning Comedienne!

Felber today, Felber tonight

Felber today: I've received many a forwarded joke and one e-mail virus warning from good friends.

I completed the Spotlight newsletter for this week, had steamed broccoli marinara and two cups of instant coffee.

I planned a nice dinner with my family so we can also fill out an application to possibly finally get compensation for the property my grandparents had swiped by the Nazi's. That kind of fun always helps a dinner go down, IMHO!

I will soon take a shower and walk the dog again. I'll probably have another cup of instant coffee and add awesome vanilla chemicals.

Felber tonight is much more glamorous:

I am appearing live at B3 tonight, Wednesday, March 17th.

The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Ave B at Third St.
Weds @ 8pm sharp
Take the f train to second Ave
$4 cover buys your first drink -- Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water.

With your host, Becky Donohue (kinda Irish, kinda Spanish, kinda Welsh, annoyingly American)

Featuring:
Sean Crespo ~ I don't think he's Irish
Josh Spear ~ Jewish and muscle bound
Jodi Young ~ Black Irish
Michele Balan ~ Let's just say they won't let her march...
Susie Felber ~ Irish lookin' with the red hair, but Jewish underneath it all.
Will Mckinley ~ The Mick is in the name, need I say more? He will get extra time.
Leigh Kessler ~ Sounds Irish, the Leigh, and the Irish tend to spell things funny, but not, maybe Jewish, maybe Buddhist...you figure it out.

Come on down and let's act all Irish and poop.

I am also appearing not live!

Tonight, I can be seen on TV. I'm on MTV2 in a show called, "That's Not A Good Look."

"Not A Good Look"; is a no-holds-barred inspection of fashion styles seen in music videos and on the red carpet. Enjoy unfortunate fashion disaster moments from Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, R Kelly, Brittney Spears, J Lo and NSync. Featuring comments by comedians Robert Schimmel, Nick DiPaolo, Rich Vos, Jim Norton, Rain Prior -- and that red hot vixen who writes stuff about how awesome she is -- Susie Felber!

Below, are all the upcoming dates and times you can see me being oh-so hilarious in this show (if you gots the MTV2):

Wed 03/17
9:00 PM

Thu 03/18
1:30 PM

Fri 03/19
4:30 PM

Sat 03/20
7:00 PM

Sun 03/21
10:30 AM

Wed 03/24
2:00 PM

Thu 03/25
10:00 AM

Sat 03/27
4:00 PM

Mon 03/29
10:30 AM

Tue 03/30
9:00 PM

***

Now, who would you rather know? Felber today? Or super sexy Felber tonight?

Yeah, me too!

The Deli Lama

He is a smiley Korean man who works at the bodega on 7th Ave. and Charles street. He mainly works at night. His name is hard to pronounce, something like "Un" or "Eun."

But he calls himself the Deli Lama.

He makes colorful hats for each day out of paper plates using a scissors and magic markers and he wears one every time he works.

Sometimes he makes hats for others.

He made me a hat on December 19th, 2003.

I know that because the hat was dated.

It has wonderful things written on it. On each of a cut out animal's legs it says: Peace, Love, Health, Prosperity. This unidentifiable animal has a round head, a tail and he is smiling.

In the middle of the animal is a round design wishing a merry x-mas and a happy new year. The circle also says, "Life is sweet."

Smack in the middle of this is my name, done in green marker with red accents. On the back the writing is in black, blue, green and red. It says, "Susie is the center of the universe, surrounded by lots of love and luck."

He pre-writes many of the hat elements when business at the deli is slow. This way he can simply just write your name in.

At the bottom he wrote, "www.BEAUTYQUEENSUSIE.COM/NO.1"

Under that it says, "The Deli Lama"

I love my paper plate hat.

I am wearing it now.

Plug-o-Rama!

Very quickly because I'm a very busy, very important person...

Tonight I'm appearing at Luna!

And I'm doing something or other that will be very funny, Thor willing. Where on earth did they get that braided hair pic of me that's on the site? What other embarrassing pics might they have? In my preemptive defense, that horse totally wanted it. Anyway, here's all the 411:

"Eating It" at Luna Lounge is every Monday night at 8:30PM sharp. Doors open at 7:30 PM. Admission is $8 (includes one free drink). Valid photo ID required to enter. 21 & over only.

Luna Lounge is located at 171 Ludlow Street which is between Houston & Stanton streets.

This coming Wednesday I'm doing this show:

“Becky and Friends at B3”
The B3 Comedy Lounge
33 Avenue B & 3rd Street NYC
Hotline: 212-971-118
Every Wednesday at 8PM
$4 cover buys your first drink (Rheingold, bud, wine, soda, or bottled water)

And then on Friday, I get to host backstage video interviews for Comedy Central's web thang at Comedy Central's Bar Mitzvah Bash. Sounds like a blast to me.

Who knew a Hebrew school drop out could achieve such greatness?