Thursday, January 08, 2004

Get Back to Where you Once Belonged

Mr. Tremble himself clued me into this anti-Dean ad called Back To Vermont.

The ad contains 11 insults hurled by 2 very old very white people. This should help the Republican image as way too many people think of Repulicans as young, hip and inclusive. Only 2 insults in the ad can be called policy-related and they get no more weight than the other barbs. The rest are a series of supposedly bad elements attributed to Dean that the country shouldn't be hoodwinked by. Below I've listed the 9 non-political insults made political and how I stack up.

As we go, why not play along and see how many ugly Dean qualities you have? At the end, we can compare totals. Fun!

Latte drinking
When I'm feeling flush. They go for 60 dollars a pound in my neighborhood. Still that's probably because most good-looking youngish laptop-toting cafe drones deduct their latte as office rent.

Sushi Eating
Sake to me & Maki mine a double! I had a cool Japanese sister-in-law. Faking not going to vomit + something called Chu sours gave me bravery and an addiction to the stuff. I ate and adored sushi for years before I'd even touch a smat of cooked fish.

Volvo Driving
A 1972 Volvo was my first car. I wanted a VW Bug so badly. I looked and looked with my parents and saw and saw a bazillion mini rust buckets. My parents had generously agreed to match any contribution I worked and saved up for. Perhaps this was because unlike my brother, 4 years down the line they didn't have a smoking hot sexy car* sitting right in the drive to give me absolutely free. So sure, I worked the guilt angle.

With my less than 1000 bucks saved up and burning a hole in my pocket I hadn't given up the dream of a VW Bug. So when asked to look at this tank-sized monstrosity of a Volvo I was none too happy. As a teenage surl (and girl) I hated that I had to be polite because the Long Island mechanic who owned the thing was from a nice foreign family my father had treated.

I went to see the car silently fuming at my father for subjecting me to looking at a big, fat loser mobile and forcing me to go through a fruitless charade. "A Volvo!" I thought, "That's what those 30-something "Baby on Board" yenta a-holes drive." "And this one is how old?" With my internal snarl turned all the way up, I got behind the wheel and instantly fell helplessly and truly in love for the first time. It was like Fozzie Bear's car in the Muppet Movie, but with the added glamour of Miss Piggy.

It had a lovely curved front, not unlike an old Mercedes. I love a car with cleavage. Oh it looked like this and this!

It had a lot of miles on it when I bought it because the mechanic said he often drove it to go skiing in Vermont (Vermont!). When I got it there were exactly 119,863 miles on it. Of that I'm sure, because once I bought it, I noticed the odometer never once moved. I joked one too many times that it got, "No miles to a gallon." My precious drove us to high school and later up and down to college in Vermont (Vermont!) and almost never faltered. It merely complained loudly when as a 17-year-old, I didn't know you had to give a car oil and it plum ran out.

Years later I sold it to another mechanic, my man in Vermont (indeed!). He looked a lot like the cuddly main troll in LOTR, dubbed it "pre-classic" and for years I'd get reports from friends who lingered in Vermont of him being seen driving my metallic sand colored beaut to the dog races. I sold it only because I was poor after college, too poor to afford the repairs she started to need. Baby, if you're out there still, maybe waiting for your owner at the track, I'm sorry. At the time I was scared of the commitment. I'll take you back, I'll pay your insurance, I... I'm wiser now in the ways of caring for a car. I now own a chamois cloth and I know how to use it. Didn't we have good times? Oh Baby I miss you.

NY Times Reading
Guilty as Charged!
Damn, this reminds me I totally forgot to give the delivery dude a holiday tip. Thank you hate ad!

Body Piercing
Not even pierced ears. It might be because my family has a tendency to develop cysts. More likely however I'm too lazy. Plus my burning desire for a nose stud in the late 80's and early 90's faded when others, who I deemed uncool, beat me to the punch hole.

Hollywood Loving

Left Wing
Yet for some reason a certain family member of mine tells people she knows I'm going to vote for Bush. It's probably because we don't agree on certain war-related issues. Still, it's great to have a debate with someone who recently proved they had no clue who Tarik Aziz was.

Freak Show
My life and career, welcome to it.

Back to Vermont
I'd be delighted!
Home of my sometimes scary never boring freak show Alma Mater -- where Jojo was often a man who thought he was a woman -- and Bernie, the first Independent elected to congress in 40 years. Vermont is a beautiful state & the place I might very well live now if my Hollywood-loving career permitted.

My Score: 8 out of a possible 9!

Wow! Who knew? Maybe this Dean dude is the candidate for me!

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I'm an East Coast Jew.

I'd bet my boots the first draft of the ad was called "Back to Israel."

*My brother might try to convince you his first and free smoking hot car was less than perfect. Not true! Sure, it literally was smoking a good deal, but it was cool. It was a sporty** long 2-door number that even had faux leather on the outside -- and it was FREE! It even drove, sometimes.

**"Sporty" here being defined as pimps cruising for business.