Unreality Bites

By Susie Felber

Written & performed 3/3/2017at the Signature Theater NYC
as part of the 24 Hour Plays 
Bennington College Alumni Spencer Cox benefit

Writer: Susie Felber

Director: Paul Cello

Brandie Nicole Wilson – Jane

Laurel Johnson – Mindy

Andrew Plimpton – Brandon

Nick DiLeonardi – Count Tackula

Props: Rooster head, Tape roll, Smoking jacket red side out (for Nick), animal claw, clipboard

Stage black. We hear a woman, Jane, yell “NOOOOO!”

Jane

(arrives breathless)

Mindy — stop!

Mindy

(holding a pen and clipboard)

Stop? Jane — what are you doing here?

Jane

Don’t sign. That. Lease. 

Mindy

Oh seriously, sis. It’s not that bad. 

Jane

It is that bad. Put the pen down.

Mindy

What? Is it because this place looks like the piano bar of the damned? Or like Beauty divorced Beast, and she took him for everything, and he hasn’t had a chance to go shopping at Ikea yet?

Jane

Yes, it does… but that’s not it.

Mindy

Bottom line: it’s in Manhattan, and together, Brandon and I can afford it.

Brandon enters. He’s looking around, running his hands on the bar. 

Brandon

(looking around and marveling)

Exposed brick. It’s like the outdoors — is in! 

Mindy

Don’t you love the floors? Oh look, there are outlets! I can dry my hair standing in the middle of the room!

Brandon

Sweet! Oooh, does the chandelier stay? Fan-say!

Jane

I don’t care if the chandelier stays. He must go.

Mindy

Oh please! You’ve never liked any of my boyfriends. 

Jane

No this is different. 

(Jane points)

He. Is. A. Werewolf.

Mindy

(shocked)

A werewolf? 

…I was afraid you’d tell me he was a vegan.

Brandon

I love you, babe.

Jane

I’m serious.

Mindy

How do you know he’s a werewolf?

Jane

His Twitter bio says “I’m a werewolf. Get crazy once a month, but proudly rampage-free for 5 years.”

Brandon

You forgot I also say “retweets are not endorsements.” That’s important.

Mindy

OK, yeah, once a month I tape him down, throw some live chickens in, and – go get a pedicure. No big whoop! 

Jane

You knew!? Knew he was a — werewolf!

Brandon

Well, I prefer the term “lunar-challenged” but… guilty as charged! So what? There’s nothing in the lease that says no werewolves. (He howls long and hard) 

Jane

Look sis, you are putting yourself in grave danger…

Mindy

Sorry but I know Brandon. He’s not like other werewolves. 

Brandon

Aw… That’s right. I’m super careful not to bite or scratch her. 

Jane

Do you like making love to a man who wears mittens?

Mindy

Everyone needs to use protection

Nick enters he’s wearing the red smoking jacket and munching on the rooster head. Wipes his arm across his mouth and chucks the head and says, “Ahhh!”

Count Tackula

Yo, bro, what’s up? 

Jane

Who is this?

Nick and Andrew do a howl and an elaborate hand slap-type greeting

Count Tackula

I’ve known this guy since he was a pup. He headlocks him and affectionately “noogies” his head with his fist. Hey, bro, I saved you the best part.

Nick pulls the claw out of his jacket and offers it to Andrew. Andrew high fives, goes to snack on it like jerky.

Jane

(backing away)

You’re a werewolf too…

Count Tackula

Ha! A werewolf? Seriously? I guess I need a shave. No, no, not a werewolf. 

Jane

Oh. Sorry. I assumed…

Count Tackula

I’m a vampire.

Jane

Ohmygod.

Mindy

When he wears that jacket we call him “Count Tack-ula.”

Everyone but Brandie laughs

Count Tackula

(to Jane)

If Mindy had dated me, she wouldn’t be looking at rentals. (he looks around, does his best Bette Davis) What a dump!  We vampires, if you haven’t noticed, always have sweet pads. 

Mindy

If only I didn’t find satin and velvet a turn off. Jane here though… she’s a real night owl.

Count Tackula

You don’t say? So Jane, I vant to suck your blood. You vant to suck anything of mine?

Jane

You disgust me.

Count Tackula

Your eyes say no, but your neck says yes yes… 

Jane

Ugh. 

Mindy

Leave her alone, Tackula. 

Count Tackula

(angry)

Oh really? She treats me like some common zombie, and I’m supposed to take that? 

Brandon

Man, the undead get no respect!

Mindy

She dated a monster once… 

Brandon

Are you calling my bestie a monster?

Mindy

No, she literally dated a monster. Frankenstein’s monster. 

Jane

(she gets wistful) 

I liked the strong silent type… I could deal with the protesters… the West Villagers showing up at our apartment with flaming torches. I loved him. Supported him. But in the end, every night — “FIRE BAD! TRUMP BAD!” — I mean, of course I agree, but… I needed more…

Count Tackula

That bites. 

(He goes over and hugs Jane with one arm, she is comforted)

Brandon

Oh no…

Jane

What?

Mindy

Honey, is it your time of the month?

Brandon

Not… good… GAH!

Brandon is straining against invisible forces… his hair moves back and forth.

Mindy

Oh no… his hair! (in a low dramatic voice) It begins…

Brandon

Mindy… get the tape… NOW!

Mindy gets tape (from a pocketbook?) begins to try and tape him to the chair.

Count Tackula

Get the tape? What the hell? Looks like Andrew is answering “the call of the mild.” 

Brandon

Shut up! Not. Funny. Want… Blood…

Count Tackula

He wants blood. Funny thing. I’ve got a hankering too.

Brandon rips the tape out of Mindy’s hands.

Count Tackula

(the hug turns into something sinister, he goes for Jane’s neck)

Fasten your seatbelts — it’s going to be a bumpy night.

Jane loses it, screams horror-style. Then they all freeze like a sitcom, and then come out of character to talk to the audience. If the audience starts clapping, then Brandie has to get them to stop.

Brandie

Hi, I’m Brandie, the actress who was about to get eaten by a werewolf and bitten by a vampire. I just want to say that the play you just watched, was highly sexist. The women were portrayed as victims. The men -- blood thirsty animals.

Laurel

And I’m Laurel, the girlfriend of a werewolf. Plays like these only perpetuate stereotypes – a woman overlooking a partner’s fatal flaws because she can’t afford the rent in New York City on her own? Get real …OK it’s real, but, it makes me so angry, I’m going to go home after the show and leave this play a terrible Yelp review.

Brandie

(aside to Laurel)

Is that even possible?

Laurel

I hope so…

Andrew

I’m Andrew. This play offended me as well, because if you were dating a werewolf, you’d know damn well when the full moon was. Amiright?

Nick

I’m Nick. There’s a serious point here: If someone you know is dating a dangerous mythological or folkloric creature, don’t wait until they are about to sign a lease. Speak up. Take action. Silver bullets, wooden crosses, or fire — might just save a life.

Spring Flung

By Susie Felber

Written & performed 1/19/15 for

The Public Theater Presents The 24 Hour Plays®:

A Bennington Alumni Tribute to Nicky Martin*

Photos taken from the rehearsal and performance of this play can be found here on Bennington College Flickr account. All photos from the day here.

Marion Markham — Julia Powers

Tim Daly — Clint Powers

Lesley McBurney — Grim Reaper

Brandi Nicole Wilson — Summer Autumn Rain

Directed by Lorca Peress
Assistant Director: Deidrea Hamid

Stage black. We hear a woman’s scream. It is Julia. Lights up. Julia is hysterical. She’s on a stage devoid of any furniture.

Julia

Clint!  Clint!  Ohmigawd CLINT WHERE ARE YOU?

Clint enters sleepily

Clint

Julia. I’m here. I’m here. What the hell are you screaming about it’s... the middle of the night.

Julia

Clint. Ohmygod I thought. I thought I smelled smoke. And I couldn’t see you and I was yelling, crawling through flames and…

Clint

How many Klonopin did you take?

Julia

I didn’t… well two. Two. But that isn’t it. I… it seemed so real. Didn’t you hear the alarm?  

Clint

I’m going back to bed.  Hang on… where’s the bed?  Where’s the walls where’s...anything?

Clint is looking into the theater lights using his arm to shield his eyes from the glare when Dr. G.R. enters. She lifts her arm deliberately and slowly and points at them. She turns her arm over and beckons for them slowly with one finger. They look at her stunned and then she drops the gravitas and becomes chirpy.

G. R.

Hi! Howdy.  

Clint

Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?

G.R.

I get that a lot.  So I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’m... the Grim Reaper!

Clint

The grim reaper?  You look like a proctologist.

Julia

Honey, no proctologists are that hot.

G.R.

Well I am a doctor… of DOOM.  (she laughs at her own joke) Ah but seriously, we focus grouped it and found the whole silent bony guy in a black robe thing was kind of a bummer.  Plus most people thought it looked like a bad New Yorker cartoon.  And people tend to trust doctors.

Julia

We’re dead?

Clint

to Julia

We’re not dead.

G.R.

No you’re not “dead” we now refer to you as the “previously living.”

Julia

We’re dead. The smoke. Remember I told you the lights were flickering? And you said it was probably PSE&G.

Clint

And you Googled “lights flickering” and decided we were doomed. So I told you to take a Klonopin and go to bed.

Julia

It said something about power arcing and how that could generate heat and we had to contact an electrician immediately.

G.R.

Bingo.

Clint

Bingo?

G.R.

You died in a house fire.  About six earth weeks ago.  

Julia

Six weeks ago?

G.R.

We’ve been busy. So many more clients than we had a few hundred years ago.

Clint

I don’t believe it. We’re not dead.

G.R.

Check out Facebook.  She looks at a phone.  Julia, you got over 350 comments on your wall.  Those are pretty good metrics.

Julia

Only 350 comments? But I have over 900 friends!

G.R.

The algorithm. People miss a lot. When Zuckerberg gets here... I’m gonna talk to him.

Julia

We’re in a bright room… with columns. Is this ancient Rome?

G.R.

No, not ancient Rome -- we call it The Entrarium!

Julia

“The Entrarium”

G.R.

It’s to die for, right?

Clint

This is nuts. The grim reaper is not a hot proctologist, we are not going to the great beyond from a room that looks like… like friggin Atlantic City because

WE. ARE. NOT. DEAD.

Julia, do something. Stand on your head.

Julia

I don’t think…

Clint

Stand on your goddamn head!

Julia reluctantly complies… stands on her head.

Clint

A HA! See? Not. Dead.

G.R.

Take her pulse.

G.R. takes out a phone and takes a selfie with Clint and Julia as they are taking her pulse.

Clint

Holy crap.

Clint then takes his own pulse.

G.R.

Intake photos. Oh look! Julia, your mom just commented.

Julia

My mother’s been dead for 15 years...

She reads the phone

“You should let your hair go curly already. I can’t believe you’re still with that ukulele-playing hedge fund bum.”

Mom!

G.R.

OK so now that we’re all ready, it’s time to go.

Clint

Go? No. I’m not going. I’m not going anywhere!

G.R.

Oh yes… that is an option. Very old school. Stay on your property and haunt.

Thing about haunting? New people will move in and trust me — it’s like watching the most boring reality show…for all eternity.

Julia

I am so not haunting. I want to see my mom. Besides, Clint, the people who move in here are just going to complain about how their kids are being tested too much…and they’ll be gluten-free… Clint let’s go.

Clint

Go? Where are we going? To heaven? Hell?

G.R.

OK so after the rebrand -- we did away with heaven and hell. We have membership levels.  Let’s see… Julia. Julia Powers...

she checks her phone

Julia, you are going Premiere Elite. And Clint — Clint you’re going coach.  What we call our “frequent liars” program.

Clint

I’ve been married to the same woman for 30 years. I am not leaving her now!

Julia

takes Clints hand

Awww. That’s right. We go together.

 A woman enters wearing a ski helmet.

Summer

Clint!

Clint

Oh my god.

Julia

Who is this?

Summer

removes her helmet and holds out a hand to Julia

Hi, I’m Summer Autumn Rain Schwartz.

Clint

Summer. Summer. I’m so sorry.

Summer

I was Clint’s intern during my FWT.

Julia

What the fuck is an FWT?

Summer

Winter internship.  Bennington College. They make you do it. Great for the resume…

she starts to get angry

...if you live to graduate.

Clint

Summer, it was an accident… you, you fell.

Summer

I didn’t know you had a wife.

Julia

A wife who thought you were skiing with your Williams buddies.

Summer

And when I found out and said I’d tell her, about us… you pushed me.  

Julia

Clint!

Clint

The bar was up…you’d been drinking...

Summer

Goddamnit -- no one over the age of 13 skis sober! Oh but of course the papers jumped on “drunk Bennington co-ed falls off ski lift.” I swear if you weren’t dead I’d kill you.

Clint

Oh -- like the world really needed another interpretive dancer!

Julia

OK, I’m ready.

Summer

You’re going to love premiere class. And your mom is a total hoot.

Julia and Summer link arms and exit together happily.

Clint

So. When…?

G.R.

You’ll be here… a while.  Want your ukulele?

Clint nods. G.R. hands him a ukulele and then exits. He beings to play “Sympathy for the Devil” as lights slowly fade.

Clint

(Singing)

“Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste…pleased to meet you, I hope you guessed my name..."

Me & my director for the eve, Lorca Peress