Word Wenches: Serving up saucy verbage since 2006!

Not content with producing one fabulous blog (where you really should go), my mother has recently teamed up with 6 other best-selling romance and historical author pals to produce the fabulousness that is wordwenches.com.

As mom describes it on her blog,

"We have seven authors blogging -- one for everyday of the week! And what a crew: Mary Jo Putney, Patricia Rice, Jo Beverley, Loretta Chase, Sarah Gabriel, Susan Holloway Scott, and me! Please do come visit us!"

I really enjoy Word Wenches because it mixes the personal (like how one author has been known to write her books in the car while her children are at ice hockey practice) with serious musings on the three R's: research, writing and romance. Oh and when these authors do trivial, it's so well-written and clever, there's nothing trivial about it.

So go on already! Visit the wenches here.

IMHO required reading of me mum on the Wenches includes: Her take on Bad Cover Art, and for purely egotistical reasons, her post about my delicate condition.

Foer your consideration... a blog review in 3 Snippets
by Susie

The New Republic has decided to cover the World Cup with a blog called, GOAL POST: Franklin Foer and friends on the World Cup.

UPDATE! Tuesday 6.20.06
Less than 24 hours after Gawker picked up this post you see below, I opened an email this morning from Franklin Foer hisownself and I am now blogging for the very blog I mocked. And very happily I might add. In the words of Cat Stevens, "Ooooh baby it's a wild world." Read the post that follows and then don't miss my hot-off-the-virtual-presses debut post on tnr.com's GOAL POST right here.

Here are my thoughts in 3 digestable snippets:

Snippet #1

So who reads this stuff?

Well in this post, Franklin Foer (someone who I think is related to that rich Brooklyn writer who is married to a writer, both of whom I’ve never read) writes,

"It turns out that we're not the only opinion journal/literary review with a World Cup blog. The great John Lanchester is doing the job for the LRB. It's terrific stuff. For you reading pleasure, a small sample:"

For you pleasure, Frank? Allow me to borrow from World Cup mania when I say, "TYYYPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Of course the answer to who reads this stuff is obvious – other writers of opinion/literary journals. …and people like me who clicked because they were confused as to how we got the spam for tnr's website in the first place. I'm pregnant and haven’t had a tipple since winter, so I don’t think I blacked out and registered, but who knows?

Snippet #2

A post by one Glen Luchford is titled:

I HAVE A GENUINE QUESTION, NOT RHETORICAL

Because when a literary type asks a real question, it's headline news.

Glen is proposing something about England’s team and he ends with, "What do you think?... Anyone? Anyone?"

And no one leaves a comment. Poor lamb.

I wanted to leave a comment for him but found it's only open to subscribers. Of course a brief look at the comments shows most subscribers are men who only comment to add something pedantic and/or scolding. But this is cool as scolding pedants = their target demo.

However, I saw that Glen is a QPR supporter, so luckily he has developed a keen immunity to disappointment. (Private to EH: zing!)

Snippet #3

The email spam I got touts the blog thusly,

"At the TNR website, we have a World Cup blog that features some top writers--including the memoirist Sean Wilsey and the novelist Aleksandar Hemon--as well as cameos from film directors, TV writers, and other friends of the magazine."

Here’s how *I* would describe it,

"At the TNR website, we have a World Cup blog that features an all-male revue (11 male contributors -- Foer even calls his contributors gents, how adorable and wanna be Brity!) including a memoirist you never heard of and a novelist with a very exotic, sexy literary sounding name -- as well as cameos from a lot of other boys Franklin knows. Come on by and catch up on your sleep or join all the writer's relatives in wondering if the contributors are getting paid for this. In short, if you don’t like photos, levity, a woman’s input or if you don’t mind that they don't update with news when a game happens (UKRAINE TODAY, HELLO?), but rather stick to a majority of talk about England*, you’ll love it!"

Note: Of course I am aware that I probably know/admire or should know/admire some of the contributors and that by making fun I am ruining my chances of ever being invited to some Brooklyn/DC literary-type BBQ where everyone is balding, wearing snazzy glasses and trying to out-facial hair and erudite each other while they also try to figure out how most of them begged, borrowed or stole the downpayment on their real estate, but them's the breaks.

*Full disclosure: My man is from England and to be honest, I too am primarily interested in England. Happy now?

More of me on Soccer here. Other places too, but whateve.

In conclusion:

GO ARROWS!

Hubba hubba! A buffet of USDA prime manliness.

Before I had a digital camera...

I took photos like this:

Dog Eat Dog World, 4/2005

Ye olde diposable camera, served me well.

But now that I have a digital camera...

I take photos like this:

Not in Kansas Anymore, 6/2006

Stan however, notices no difference, and still happily does battle with the wicked bitch of the West.

Happy Birthday


...to me!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to blow out my catalpas.


Note: The photo above that was not taken on my 6th birthday, was taken today by me with my amazing birthday present. Amazing birthday present happens to be my first-ever digital camera. It's exactly the one I wanted, but didn't know anyone knew I wanted and even if I did know that they knew I wanted it, I would've never expected to get it. Oh and it's thanks to my man and mom and even my Brit relations plotting behind my back. Hurrah hurrah for secret scheming!

My Reel

...is now online. Filled with highlights from my TV, movie and original comedy hilarity, write to me if you are incredibly important in the business we call show and I will send you the link.

This hilarity and more is available on my reel.

PS I cut and spiked that wig myself and FYI, only once did I don a pink wig onstage. Well twice if you count the onstage audition in Brooklyn to make it to Irving Plaza with my flute rock tribute to Kelly Osbourne.

YourSpace

I have left MySpace.

Meaning I cancelled my MySpace account.

Why?

Some of MyBeefs here.

And also?

Although they have millions of users,
and the service is free,
I started to feel I did not need them
as much as they needed me.

And?

Feh. Just feh. That's what I say to MySpace.

And by leaving while I'm still in the desirable demo, I hope to stick it to the man. The man that is lording the huge #'s of MySpacers over advertisers and possible media partners. I am that fickle Internet audience you fear. But I'm not really fickle so much as not grooving to your horrible design, your garish ads and that moldy did-a-mouse-die-in-here smell I encountered everytime I checked in. In short, yes, I would say that MySpace sucks.

Felber's Blind Items -- contest edition!

I'm meeting an old pal for lunch today. This person is not only supah cool, she is an editor at a magazine here in Manhattan.

Here is an image from the cover of this month's issue. Can you guess what magazine it is she works at?



First one to guess the magazine correctly wins!
Rules: Winner will receive an all-expense paid shout out and link of their choice right here on this blog entry. Contest not open to Felber's immediate family (not like they'd know, but whateve) and residents of Canada, anyone who has ever lived in Canada or anyone who has ever visited Canada.

Hint: Silly goose, The Atlantic is based out of D.C.!

Update: No one guessed correctly, hence no one wins. I'm ashamed of you people. Don't you read magazines with pictures of smoking dogs on the cover? Well, you should. Well here's the answer, but only because this nice chick requested it. It's Shock magazine! Their website here.

I LOVE THE HAMPTONS

...I just don't like the people, the prices or the traffic.

Yup, once again, I'm off to the catskills, dawgs!

We are cool cats, no?

What we lack in restaurants and services,

...we make up for in large buckets and MOXIE!

Some wonderful city friends are coming with us,

...to hang out on the veranda, get drunk and watch the World Cup!

So see ya (wouldn't want to be ya) Hamptons peeps,

Toot toot, beep beep, CIAO!

I've been tabloidized!

I don't have bodyguards, the paparazzi isn't after me and "tabloidized" isn't a word. However don't miss:

Shocking Baby Bump Shockers! Read it here!

The Apiary has really been letting their freak flag fly lately. I love it.

And Friday will be Clara and Hot...

From NY1 news this morning:



Link here.

My bro in The New York Times!

Radio and Television
NPR's 'Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!' You Can't Make This Stuff Up. Or Can You?
By SUSAN BRENNA
Published: June 4, 2006

My brother second from right in a rare photo… rare in that he’s not mugging for camera.
Photo by: William Zbaren for the New York Times

Read the article here!

Things to know:

Not mentioned in the article is that my brother will soon be writing for and performing on a FOX comedy show to air directly after Mad TV. Wow, right?!

Speaking of you can't make this stuff up, yes Virginia, there really is going to be a Felberpalooza.
No I'm not going.

You see, I've already had years of communing with kooky liberal NPR fans in the great outdoors.

...it was called college.

But seriously folks, I bet it'll be a hoot and who wouldn't want to tell their grandkids they attended Felberpalooza?

Speaking of grandkids, I put in for some of those with the universe.

I'm pregnant.

(What?!?! A Felber is pregnant! Is it summer sweeps week?)

Well and truly.
Knocked up.
In the family way.

(You may have noticed the blind item on The Apiary? C'est moi!)

Launch scheduled for 10.31.06

(So if the kid is ugly, we can say it's a costume!)

Me and the husband -- known only as "my man" on this blog -- are very excited.

(You need not be excited, but if you are, that's nice.)

More on this as it develops...

(And it is developing... suddenly looks like I'm attempting to smuggle a keg.)

Golden Girl

I'm going to the 7th Annual Golden Trailer Awards tonight. Jim Gaffigan is hosting. Actually I'm covering the Golden Trailer Awards tonight. What's the difference between going and covering?

If I was merely going to the awards:

* I'd feel guilty about my man having to walk wonderpooch after work when that's normally my shift.


Exhibit wonderpooch, wonderman

* I'd worry my pretty dress wasn't pretty enough, especially since as of this afternoon there's not one, but two salad dressing stains on it in the boobal area.

* I wouldn't be schlepping a camera, a steno pad and a tape recorder.

* I might feel silly about being on the wagon and not sucking down free drinks at the pre-party, show and post party, but as I am covering the awards I can pretend it's me being a professional. (Forget that fact that once I was so in the bag while hosting backstage video for Comedy Central that by the end of the night my celebrity interviews were one sweaty slur. Someday if I'm bored and brave I'll digitize the clip of me interviewing Vincent Pastore. "Interviewing" is a perhaps not the right term for trying not to pass out on him at 4AM while holding a microphone.)

* And finally, if I was merely going to the awards, the probing questions I always like to ask people might make me seem annoying or crazy or hot to trot. Instead, as I am covering the awards my kooky questions will be flattering, heady as champagne bubbles and will seem to float in the air with an ineffable insouciance.

At least, that's what I'm hoping.

Just had a tasty and cheap lunch with an old friend from college. So much to catch up on.

She works in publishing. The best way to describe it is that she's an "inspirational ghostwriter." And the best part is, she loves it. Oh and she's an ordained minister and works with the homeless, but who isn't/doesn't?

We ate beans, kababs and things that have the prefix "baba" as we gossiped about mutual friends like the English guy who lives in Park Slope and is still unemployed/able to pay his rent after more than a decade.

The guy whose photo spread is currently featured in New York magazine.

The woman who famously dated the cashew vendor at Rockefeller Center.

The guy who is a New Age composer who also gives "satsang energy transfers" for money from his base in New Zealand.

The guy who changed his name to something very silly, the guy who teaches body performance art movement at a college in England, the guy who is having his gay marriage in Montreal and the guy who legally separated from his parents after his recovered memories of sexual abuse. Oh, and all the guys in this paragraph? They are the same guy.

Oh and we talked about so many other friends, including all the people we know from college who had identical recovered memories of sexual abuse, who, incidentally, all went to the same therapist in Bennington.

But mainly we talked about us. For we are oh-so fascinating.

One mo thang...

Watch comedian David Wain giving a tour of his hometown of Shaker Heights Ohio... in 1978.

It's so adorable, your pituitary gland might explode.

Note: Post being kicked out of Germany by some dude named Hitler, my Dad grew up in Shaker Heights.

Found via: Comedy Central Blog

UPDATE: I sent this to my Ohio peeps and check what my cousin Edith wrote back.

Thanks Susie. Hope everyone is well and enjoying end of spring-beginning of summer soon. I didn't know David Wain but I always hear a lot about his Dad, Norman Wain, growing up, some info about him is here: clevelandjewishnews.com

<-- So is this really David Wain's dad? Adorable to the 10th powah!

Post Tempest in a Teapot

After the flap I caused with yesterday's post, this story is hilarious.

And part of the funny? Me bravely defending the valiant IT guy from being called a lowly cabbie when he's really...an illegal immigrant.

I mean, some of my best friends are illegal immigrants, but please!

I will now don the ass hat, as I am a bit of an asshat.

Thanks to Ed for the tip.

AOL Perpetuates Racist Stereotype
UPDATE 5.24.06: AOL is not racist. Nor uncaring. And I like the damn blog I'm dissing, OK? Read this entry, but see important note that follows. Oh, and I just noticed they added a note about their error. Well done, y'all.

In the following feature on the AOL viral blog someone (or a group) known only as aolcomedy writes this entry:

BBC Interviews Wrong Guy!

The BBC recently mistook a cab driver waiting in their lobby for an IT Expert. Please enjoy the awkward pain on his face as he is the only one who knows.
>>> Watch Now

Ha Ha! Dumb cabbie taken for expert! Ha! Oh, wait...

I did a quick Google check and learned that according to the Toronto Star he's NOT a cabbie but a university graduate who "walked into the lobby of the British Broadcasting Corp. this month to apply for an IT job, and instead found himself being interviewed as an expert on music and copyright law."

Well I guess him being a cabbie is funnier because one assumes a cabbie is dumb (is that careerist?), but although he is a black man with a funny accent, he is not a cabbie.

And here's what I say: if you are writing comedy, go crazy. Make the most racist outlandish characters in the world. But if the comedy you're peddling comes from a real-life incident, you've got to get the real-life part right. Because that's a real person. And he's not playing a part, and he's really not getting paid for this.

Sure, I see that the AOL blogger only grabbed what another site had written, but like, if it's your site, wouldn't you check into it? Sure you would. But that's the problem with this AOL comedy blog. WHO is AOL comedy? Who cares? There's no way to find out on the site, and if you made an asshat of yourself so what, you are "aolcomedy." You can hide behind that. You are some lucky young dude who is thrilled to have a paying job where he can post pics of boobs.

Yeah, it was this AOL page that led me to the "cabbie" entry and it has gratuitous boobs.

Are these boobs hilarious? I think not.

Which is fine, I'm not anti-boob, but I don't really get why these very sexy almost NSFW boobs are there. The copy that goes under those boobs is to hawk the Viral Blog I mentioned above and the copy under the boobs reads "The 'breast of what's going around' ... in tasty new blog format!" Which I guess is hilarious because the tagline above it says "The best of what's going around in tasty blog format."

Basically, to paraphrase an old comedy saying, if you are going to work boob, you have to be twice as funny.

NOTE: I came to the AOL site via a wonderful comedy site known as The Apiary, and yeah, I will probably never be featured by AOL comedy now. Them's the brakes.

THE AFOREMENTIONED UPDATE: So the Sr. Programming dude from aolcomedy wrote to me and I'll explain all later if I ever get a chance, but he admitted the error (he saw multiple stories behind the clip and choose the cabbie one because it was funnier) and he wrote a nice note and made me feel like a dog for calling them out and for assuming it was some cold, unfeeling corporate blog. Oh and he didn't touch on the boobs. Just FYI.

Here's the note I wrote back to him:

Hey [redacted], thanks for the note.

I still hold that if you weren't sure what the guy was after hearing conflicting stories, you should say exactly that and not choose one because it's funnier.

Also, was the breast joke yours? Pretty lame, but then again already I have found people coming to my little blog because of it so maybe you've got something there.

So, now that I seem totally obnox, let me tell you something else straight from the hip: I applaud what AOL comedy is trying to do. I'm glad I found it. And I think the portal is very cool, and I think y'all have, bad breast puns aside, great content and I hope it takes off. Truly. I don't know you, but I'm sure we have many friends in common, and I'm sure we are both obsessive and passionate about good comedy. I'll be reading and linking from here on out.

I am amazed you found my entry and had the balls to respond. And since you revealed yourself, I do apologize for assuming AOL comedy was not a personally tended site. I was wrong.

And I don't think you or yours are racist (I have AOL friends who work at AOL, really!). I was just uppity about the error.

I'll amend the entry somehow (damn blogger doesn't have strike throughs) and thanks for your response.

Best,
Susie

So nothing to see here, move along. While you're moving along, I suggest you visit AOL Comedy. Yep, see how we can all get along? Even uppity chicks like me?

Best,

me

The Best Albino Code
By Susie Felber


Victor Varnado is an actor, director, comedian and albino. So why didn't he get the role of the albino killer in "The Da Vinci Code?"

Now read my whole exclusive interview with Victor right here!

Go! Now! Wow!

It's very funny, because Victor is very funny. And it got up in less than 24 hours from my pitch to publish thanks to many talented people who are not me. Thanks people who aren't me! You rock.

Update: Awesome. And I think Gawker scooped me. Woo!

Update 2: Awesome X 2 -- Whoa, Comedy Central's blog linked to this too!.

Honestly, I'm in nerd heaven.

Update 3: OK, yes, for those of you who asked I am dying to respond to the two Gawker anon people who wrote comments that show they obviously didn't read the piece they were commenting on and/or just wanted to show off their indy film knowledge, but I will control myself! Or I will try. I am now writing "I will not comment on a Gawker post that is about me" 100 times on the blackboard.

The Website for my brother's first novel just launched!

Be the first on your block to check it out. http://www.schrodingersball.com

Ooooh, pretty.

Coming soon I'll post some QIFAM's (questions I frequently ask myself) about the book.

Big props to Russell of http://www.frostimaging.com/ for designing the site.

What I did on my pre-summer weekend, by Susie

This weekend I went to my secluded little cabin in upstate NY.


Lilacs in bloom at Snooge Manor

And here is my adorable little dog. What are you looking at so intently boy?


Dog of adorableness. Notice how his tail has stopped mid-wag.

Why, it’s only the man who wanders through the woods looking for people to hack up...


He has large clippers and is prepared to use them.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

THE END

Mother's Day 2006

I take ONE day offa work and look what happens...

Dow tumbles more than 100 points

Sorry dudes.

In other news, I went to Wal-Mart today in Monticello, NY. The prices are such a steal the elderly greeters should give everyone a ski mask and a gun just so it feels right.

Pick a Peck of Six Pack Picks!

Joe, a real live AOL employee, gave me a great excuse to do some blog hawking with his "Six Pack Picks." Don't know what that is? Check out Joe's post here. I'm going to keep adding to this, so check back for more six packs.

The theme to my first Six Pack is "Individuals with awesome blogs that if you don't know, well then I pity you."

1. Victor Varnado and his bestalbino.com
The blog is on the front page. As you can see Victor is camera phone ka-razy. But it's infectiously joyous. Or maybe it's just infectious. In any case, Victor has lots of online original shorts to check out and he's usually directing a big movie, acting in a big movie or writing a big movie. At the moment, he might be doing all three. Check out his site for the brag bits he throws down. Victor is also my friend. Someday, I hope to be featured in one of his camera phone pictures that makes everyone he knows look greasy and green.

2. Robyn and The Girl Who Ate Everything
This has long been my fave food blog, and it's based in NYC. Now, having reached the ripe old age of 20, Robyn has stepped up her entries to include MORE photos of MORE food and MORE good stuff like her Poofy "Gimmie Pancakes" shirts for sale and sharing things like her "Asian" questionaire. But mainly, she's my favorite food writer. She's funny, genuine and passionate. She is simply the best food blogger PERIOD.


OK, I am way too busy today. So just like a juicy episode of The Facts of Life, this post is:

To be continued...

OK, I'm back! #3, drum roll please...

3. Bob and his Campzine
Bob doesn't update his blog thing very often, and I'm not sure he expects anyone to find it, but it's funnnnnnnnny. Bob, incidentally has a kids book out soon from a real publisher that he designed and wrote. He is also the one who made those two groovy puppet movies my man the journalist did the V/O for you can watch right here. Rumor has it anothereven more fabulous puppet movie has been voiced and Bob is currently being animated for entry into a festival. Oh and Bob and his Colleen are the ones who designed my mom's new logo and website. Now you know a lot about Bob. Lucky you!

4. Laurie and her recently updated kilmartin.com
Actually, instead of trying to describe it, here's something I wrote to another site recently regarding my favorite comedian blog.

"She's been at it since 1996 long before you or I blogged. She calls them "hoaxes", and they are awesome. Her recent blogging about being pregnant and trying to get ready for Montreal are awesome.
http://www.kilmartin.com/current.html

And she recently added a lot of video to her site, including Tough Crowd, Shorties Watching Shorties, and even an amazing documentary film made about her life as a comic in the 80's. It's a don't miss.
http://www.kilmartin.com/tvstar.html

And her "Comedy Yearbook" -- headshots and captions throughout the ages, is priceless.
http://www.kilmartin.com/yearbook.html

See, I know Laurie, and she knows me, but we are not close friends by any stretch. But I admire her heaps, as she is so f'ing funny, sage about comedy, and one of the few women who has been a working comedy writer, on both network and cable TV.

Anywho, hope the tip is interesting, and if you've featured this before, ignore me!"

4. Michelle and her not making it up
Always fresh, funny, photo heavy and very childish. I like it. You will too.

5. Hugh and his Gaping Void
Consistant, passionate, original cartoons and commentary. More focused on marketing theory these days, but I'm into it plus he's stepped up the cartoons to compensate. He's from the UK but lived in NYC long enought that he's got bi-pondal bite. Bipondal. I just made that up. I'm a bloody teriffic genius, I am.

6. Chris and his Mythstory
How often do you get a multiple Emmy Award-winning comedy writer doing a freebie turn just for you Internerds? It's shiny and new and he's updating daily. Go lest he gets the crazy idea to go back to writing for fame and fortune.

And that's my Six Pack Picks for now!

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

I am spending some time cleaning up my links here, even though I'm in the process of building a whole new website (sort of like locking the barn after the horse has already closed on a brand new 3-bedroom 2-bath barn).

So here are some of the links we can say farewell to from Felber's Frolics sidebar, and why...

1. Jestmag.com

It had some real good stuff in it. Many of my friends wrote for it. And when the New York Times wrote about it, my dog and I ended up in the photo. It went from newsprint, to glossy to "web only" and finally, I know not when, to that Bizarre German clown placeholder. RIP Jest.

Note: Incidentally, the original editor of Jest Magazine (and the dude who created the famed Williamsburg werewolf blog) has just started a new blog. It's about hockey. And the cool thing is he knows most of you don't give a hoot, but his heart must go on. Check it out right here!

2. Eatingit.net

Luna Lounge is gone, and now so is the site that indexed all the performers who did this always-being-accused-of-being-overrated by jealous comedians yet always totally awesome show. I was lucky to perform there many times, and host as well. Some of my best performing experiences in NYC were doing Luna, because you knew if you took a chance, and went balls out, the unusually hip yet happy audience would catch you. Also fun if you weren't doing the show as you could always count on Monday as a perfect night to have a drink and a late night bite with your other comedy friends.

3. ToddWomack.com

OK this one is odd for a number of reasons. First of all, I don't really know this comedian very well, yet I linked to him. He has a fancy website (for a comic people, for a comic) but he hasn't updated his blog since 10/05 and he hasn't updated his performance dates since 12/13/05. As the last gig he has listed was GTN, I have to ask Andre, "What did you do with the body?!" Todd: I hope you're alright. Really. If you are not OK, I'll feel guilty.

4. Salon.com

Sorry Salon, but you're getting my dander up. From the "you give liberals a bad name" file comes this article by the typical older New York mom overreacting to her 5-year-old son getting patriotic when in upstate NY. It was too much for me.

Check out what she and her husband played with their son when he came home from kindergarten:

"...to counteract any God-and-country indoctrination he received in school, we began our own informal in-home instruction about Bush, Iraq and Washington over the evening news. "

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But seriously, I wish I could be a fly on the wall for the "instruction...over the evening news." Brainwashing a 5-year-old. Nice!

And before I ramble on, Narrowsburg is not, as the author claims, "a red dot in a blue" state. There's red all over upstate New York, it's just that the population of the New York Metro area is a bit heftier, eh? So yeah, I took the link to Salon away, but maybe I will check in now and again, just so I can learn how to not become THAT.

Tune in next time for some good blog vibes with my Six-Pack Picks!

SCANDAL!

Here's a very recent shot of tulips from my mother's little garden on Long Island...


Now here's a photo from comedian Carolyn Castiglia from her recent trip to "Holland"...

Photo originally uploaded by and owned by Carolyn on Flickr

Why do I put "Holland" in quotes? Because it's plain she never went! Do you see any windmills or wooden shoes in that photo? I do not. Shame, SHAME Carolyn, for duping America like that!

My blogging philosophy:

If you've got lemons, make lemonade.

If you don't have lemons? Make hay.

The sun is shining people, make hay, better make hay!
(And marvel at how clever I am with this hay-colored typeface!)

TRENDY PHRASE ALERT!!!
Whoop! Whoop! Sound the alarm! 'Cause Felber knows what's going down.

What's the phase on everybody's lips?
"... a bit of a disconnect"

Really?
Oh yeah.

How is it used?
It can be used almost anywhere! Let's say you are in an office meeting and somebody presents an idea. You can respond, "I think that's a bit of a disconnect."

What does it mean?
Well, it can mean many things! In the example above it means "Your idea is crap. I mean, where do you get ideas like that?" But by saying "a bit of a disconnect" you make yourself sound smarter, the other person gets confused and it's more polite than saying "you're talking apples and oranges" or "wow, you are a moron." Plus, HR can't fire your ass for saying it.

Here, to help you are 100% real and really recent sentences I pulled off the web containing the trendy phrase "a bit of a disconnect." Read them, and then I will tell you what they mean.

"The initial lag time on the “live” search as you type creates a bit of a disconnect, as does having to wait to hit the enter key to preview the results. "

Translation: I am a nerd. A very smart nerd who will now bore you with the nerdy peeves I have.

"Secondly, and I think this presents a bigger issue, there's a bit of a disconnect between low low prices and the sorts of folks who will go to Wal-Mart for a commercial loan instead of a more established bank. "

Translation: People who go to Wal-Mart are asshats.

"I realize that, at least on the surface, there's a bit of a disconnect between why I blog and why I read blogs. "

Translation: I only "seem" crazy. Let me explain. Please?

"Recently I have been noticing a bit of a disconnect between agencies and interactive partners."

Translation: And now I'm going to show you how the people I don't like are asshats. Also, please hire me, I'm so tired of being unemployed.

"Unfortunately, there was a bit of a disconnect between the way the class was described in the course catalogue and the way it was described to me by the department chair."

Translation: My department chair is an asshat. Or the people who wrote the catalog are asshats. Man I'm so smart! PS I lost my favorite undies leaving the kegger last night, so if you see them on the shrubbery, call me!

"Just suffering a bit of a disconnect with everything going on in her family. Princess is progressing with the potty, 2 days in a row. Didn't make it today, but still a good thing overall."

Translation: God she's such a moron. Not like me and my brilliant spawn the potty savant.

"There are so many weight loss bloggers out there and I've always felt, despite us having the same end goal, being linked on each others blogroll and even frequently commenting, there's a bit of a disconnect."

Translation: Ugh! Why can't I be the only fatty fat blogger! Not FAIR! Also, I gained 5 pounds last night. Back to the drawing board.

"I guess there was a bit of a disconnect there, because Peter's most recent avatar of himself doesn't look much like him."

Translation: I finally saw this dude's picture and he is a beast. From now on I'm not falling for a guy based on his avatar!

"There's a bit of a disconnect between what you expect to read and what I want to post about."

Translation: I have feelings, damnit, and you, my loyal blog readers, are asshats! All five of you!

"i just feel a bit of a disconnect between the person i am in uniform and the person i am otherwise."

Translation: Corpses in my backyard? Check!

"It is also curious to note a bit of a disconnect in how the author of this poem mathematically defines women as purely time and money."

Translation: This author is a sexist asshat. So are all men.

"so then there's a bit of a disconnect - my professor tells me something in chinese, i understand in chinese, and then i have to write it down in english while she's still going on in chinese. "

Translation: I can totally relate to the dude whose department chair is an asshat. Also, I think I found his undies. They smell nice.

***

WOW! That was a long post! I'd recommend you take a break from the computer about now...

Behold, the danger of long posts!

Photo cred: Reuters/Luis Reyes -- story here.

Felber & the Tribeca Film Festival

Sexy cops. Celebs. And the real reason De Niro started the festival...

Check out my exclusive photo tour of the 2006 Tribeca Film Festival. All stunning photos and mediocre content by moi!*


TRIBECA SPECIAL: A Tour of Downtown
What does the triangle below Canal look like before the stars arrive? Here's a hint: fewer diamonds, more graffiti.



Behold! the coveted swag bags!

Click on the link below for the whole fantabulous photo tour!
http://www.courttv.com/onair/shows/hollywood_heat/photos.html

*If you are a close friend or family, you may have already gotten an email just like this. Lucky you!

TODAY

My man saw Joe Torre lunching at Michael's.

Me? I got nothing.

Man 1
Me 0

But wait!

Today while on a walk on the east side of the 'hattan I had an overwhelming urge for a vanilla cream-filled Dunkin Donut, and three -- THREE -- different opportunities to fulfill this. I think Satan was building Dunkin Donuts faster than I was walking.

But I bought an orange instead.

Tie game.

Who says there are no good parts for women?
Part of my continuing series on casting opportunities for women.

From this week's casting breakdowns, I found that the boys behind Law & Order: SUV currently have three -- count 'em THREE -- parts for women available: a two-time rape victim, a three-time rape victim or a two-time "rape/murder victim". I have excerpted these awesome New York casting opportunities below. Good luck!

LAW & ORDER: SVU
UNIVERSAL NETWORK TV
EPISODE: "Confrontation"
ONE HOUR DRAMA/ NBC
Exec.: Dick Wolf, Ted Kotcheff, Neal Baer
Director: David Platt
Shoots: 5.3-5.16.06
Location: NYC
PICTURES & RESUMES ASAP TO:
[REDACTED]

[MEGAN CARLISLE] Female, Caucasian, mid-late 30's; Middle class. Rape Victim. 6 months pregnant. Our only victim of this rapist not to have been attacked at least a second time - or so we think…

[GINA MILLER] Female, Caucasian, late 20's; 3 time rape victim by the same rapist. […]She details the events of her crime to our Detectives in all its emotional detail.

[ELIZABETH HASSENBACK] Female, Caucasian, 30 yrs; Rape/Murder Victim. She's a take charge, courageous and determined woman who is unwilling to remain a victim. After being raped twice by the same man she takes the law into her own hands...

***
Me? I don't think I could rape-it-up properly. And anyways, I want this part in this film:

TENDERNESS (Additional Roles) Feature Film
Greene Street Films
Union
Producers: John Penotti, Charles Randolph, Howard Meltzer
Director: John Polson
Writer: Emil Stern
Based on the novel by Robert Cormier
Location: New York
Start Date: May 22, 2006

[SMOKING CARNY] 30s-40s. This carny smoking a cigarette at a carnival answers Eric when he asks if they have one of those jumping castles for kids...1 line, 1 scene

OMG YES! I want to be a smoking carny! Please! I will start smoking again if I get this role! Vote Felber for smoking carny!

I want to live the dream!


I would say, "Look chump, you want jumping castles? Go to F@#$in' Disney."


Or I'd say, "Jumping castles? My grandpappy was killed by a jumping castle..."


Or maybe I'd say, "Jump this, buck-o" while smoking and pointing at my too-tight shorts. Then I'd cackle at Eric. Then I'd have a coughing fit.


Just remember, the casting sheet does not say it's got to be a man. A gal can dream.

My Brother the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey

My brother Adam of NPR fame cuts his finger while helping himself to a cheese plate at a baby shower and finds a way to blame America.


Only in LA kids, only in LA.

Read "Blood on the Brie" here.

But seriously, it's a hilarious post. And I totally agree with him 100% on the health care thing. Yeah, totally AND 100%. That's a lot.


Here's Adam, bravely accepting blog donations from his sickbed.

Bwah!

But seriously, feel better bro. We're all pulling for you.

Flotsam

1. My Stan made it onto Modern Pooch. For those of you that don't know, this is the dog equivalent of getting into Harvard. And it means your dog is a loser. *

2. My friend Chris Regan started a funny blog. You should click 'n see.

3. My mom got a great new review in PW and blogged about it here. I bet my mom can blog up your mom.

4. Speaking of mom, once again, without consulting her, I entered her in Regis and Kelly's "Mom's Dream Come True Contest." RKB (a brilliant woman who enters contests) would understand. I wrote about entering it last year, right here. In short: the dream was to have one of mom's books featured and selected by Kelly as a beach read. As mom's new well-reviewed book is coming out in June, how perfect would that be? So perfect.

Sure last year I heard nothing but nothing from Regis and Kelly, and Mother's Day passed with her 'n her dog coming upstate to hang with me and w/o her dream coming true... so why subject myself to the silent Regis rejection yet again? Because this year I had a newer and cuter photo of us to send that was taken in February at a family friend's wedding:


Yes, to answer your question, we do get better looking with every year. It's a family curse. By the time I hit 65, I'll be so hot the sun will look chilly by comparison. (And yes, I realize mommy and me are patternaholics. It's a disease, people!)


5. Now, not to be a bummer but it's rare you read something more disturbing than a stomach-turning expose on Darfur... yet this article about Iran is the scariest thing I've read, maybe ever.

6. No, that's it, there is no #6.


*Of course your dog isn't a loser. That was a joke, dawgs. Look, to prove it, here's my co-worker Shannon's dog Dr. Z...

Dr. Z -- OMG so cute!

FREE CANDY AND WINE FOR UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE --
TODAY!


No, not wine candy, wine AND candy!

Word of this awesome Shakespeare, wine and candy extravaganza comes from actor, cantor, musical director, Justice of the Peace, & my old Perry Street nabe Daniel. It's at 4:30 today so I can't attend, but I encourage all unemployed, underage and elderly people to go.

You are cordially invited to a musical reading of
William Shakespeare's
The Tempest
Music and Lyrics by Daniel Neiden
The Public Theater
425 Lafayette
Manhattan
TODAY, Monday, April 24th, 4:30-5:30pm
children welcome
wine and candy will be served
RSVP via email appreciated
bozofish [at] aol.com*

*If you don't know to remove the brackets, substitute an ampersand and smoosh the email addy together to make sense, you are dead to me.

Me in the NY Post!

OK, so my hairdresser isn't the only one getting ink. Phew!

I was a contributing writer to today's little parody feature:
PAGE SIX 2026 A FRIGHTENING LOOK INTO OUR FUTURE


You can check it out right here.

Or not.

Felber ...'s hairdresser is on TV TONIGHT!

Yup, my hairdresser, Walter (who I've known since the earth was still cooling), is on PBS tonight @ 8PM in a special called Show Cats.

This is Walter. Do I really need to add that he's the one on the right?

And here's more about Walter, the international cat show judge/hairdresser in a little blog piece I wrote called "Inside the Felber Hair."

Here's more on the show from PBS.

Here's the NY Times take on the special.

Here's an article that quotes Walter in The Seattle Times.

My hairdresser getting more on-camera work and press than me? Only in New York kids.

But seriously, Walter rocks. Go Walter!

Felber's 2nd Annual Extreme Makeover Dog Edition!

Just like Extreme Dog Makeover '05, EMDE 2006 does not disappoint.

Here is my Stan before...


Lookin' homeless and hideous in the Hawk!

And here is my Stan after (his yearly visit to Groomingdale's in Port Jervis, NY)...


Who is that sexy dog?


Stan, looking like an extra from Brokeback Maltese

Note: Groomingdale's gave him the bandanna and feather 'n rhinestone hair doohickey. While I wouldn't choose this for him, I must say that now I would pay double to enjoy the surprise and the laughs at his expense. Oh, and he smelled like a Moldavian whore to boot. Good times.

FREE slogan for WKTU from Felber!

As I fell into a brisket coma last night (that even the fresh chrain fumes couldnt wake me from), this morning I had to drag my matzoh-filled ass from my mom's on Long Island to Manhattan via the Sueb (my sexy white ((if I bothered to wash it)) little Subaru wagon).

I put on the radio and scanned until 103.5 caught my ear. It was delightful. Zooming past the riot of forsythia on the Hell.I.E., I forgot my hatred of suburbia as I enjoyed song after song...

Vintage Madonna! She's learned her lesson well, she has a tale to teh-eh-ell!

"I'm every woman! It's all in meeeeeeeee!"

And loads mo' pumping disco complete with whistles so that when I saw the Manhattan skyline, framed at the top by a graffitti-covered BQE overpass, I was transported back to the 70's, when a gal like me could've joyfully, bralessly played a new bathhouse everynight.

Dream a little dream of me.

Amazingly, in this 9-10AM block there was no annoying DJ, and no talking, save for when they hawked their contest -- to win super 'spensive designer shoes.

And so, I offer up my copywriting services (normally $500-800/hour, suckas) to my new fave radio station, WKTU.

The current slogan is WKTU: The Beat of New York

New, improved, FREE, Felber slogan is...

WKTU: A Gay Bar for Your Car!

TODAY I spied: The first flip flops of the season!

Spotted on?

The $2 gypsy bus from NJ to Manhattan.

What's the gypsy bus?

It's a good way to inhale the fumes from the Lincoln Tunnel, and a great way to watch fellow passengers feverishly read their well-thumbed copies of the Koran.

Worn by?

A woman with a schmancy pedicure who looked like Mini-Me to J-Lo.

Who knew?

Apparently flip flops in cold temps are a Jersey thing? I thought I'd get by with my big hair, but no, I've got so much to learn...


Pic cred: http://www.jerseygirlusa.com

Page Six Scandal

As seen on (and photo stolen from) Gawker.

I am SHOCKED! SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

I mean, I went to college with this guy and I can't help but wonder...
<--- Pic of JPS stolen from the Daily News Exclusive

Do I look that old?

:::shiver!:::

PS This is the same guy who made many a simple (read: poor) Catskills weekender like me cringe when he revealed in a New York Magazine article that he and his wife painted their Catskills dining room "to match an orange Hermès shopping bag."

UPDATE: OK so if the Daily News article has his age right, he's a few years older than me, which I didn't expect because he graduated a year after me. Phew!

SNOW!?

Don't panic!

Remember what Prince sang,

"Sometimes it snows in April. Sometimes I feel so bad. So bad."

So true Prince. So true.

Live blogging C-SPAN

After taking in "Ellen" from Orlando, I decided to turn up the fun by tuning into C-SPAN

11:50PM
Immigration Cases in Federal Court
Senate Judiciary Committee

Starring...

Jonathan Cohn
Deputy Assistant Attorney

Senator Arlen Specter
R-Pennsylvania

Senator Jeff Sessions
R- Somewhere in the South

A Professor wearing glasses
UVA

I can't concentrate on "title 7-B" and "AWO's" because the cameraman behind Jonathan is wearing a blue golf shirt, chatting into his headset and swinging/pacing from side to side.

I can't grasp what they are talking about because I have zero knowledge of this stuff, so I listen without understanding, and can only entertain myself by comparing the men's eyebrows and ties. It's soothing, a bit like watching Korean soap operas.

Watching this debate makes me long for political blogs, where you know how people feel before you get there, so you can come in smug and knowing, without actually knowing anything.

Arlen looks awesome. Has he had work done?

No women here. I wonder what would happen if we gave them the right to vote?

The blue shirted cameraman is chewing gum.

12:17
BREAK!

Milling around and coughing take centerstage!

Fat blonde in need of a bra has no one to chat with.

Bald creepy man comes to talk with fat blonde. Score!

Wait, they just said that the Capitol has been evacuated because of power outages. They seem very calm about this. Is this common? Is this a C-SPAN sweeps week stunt?

I scooped CNN on the Capitol story by about 5 minutes. I can die happy.