Monday, February 19, 2007

Set your DVR's!

...for cancer, autism and dementia.

TV is very dangerous, sez scientist (who calls himself a Dr. even though he's only got a PhD).

Cute Westie? Or Autism-Causing Nightmare Hound????

Lovely news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just apply for a job at Phillip Morris, so I can feel good about what I do.

Private to scientist: Dude, why the hatin'? Did Sanjay Gupta key your car?


4 out of 5 Americans agree: "If watching a hunky South Asian neurosurgeon is wrong, I don't wanna be right."

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day
[ I'm suffering from a crippling case of V-Day sincerity, so you'll hafta insert your own tasteless joke about hot bitches here.]

UPDATE: My mom the romance writer has, understandably, more Valentine's Day eloquence than I. Check it!

UPDATE 2: I am trapped in the house today. I am drinking a cup of tea and wishing I had a cookie, or anything remotely tasty. But I never keep nice tasty things in the house because if I did, I would eat them. So I just reheated and chowed down on leftover cauliflower. Tea and mushy cauliflower during a nor'easter. How romantic.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Fluent in Corpobullglish

Today I came across an amazingly long and incredibly unfun Web producer job listing. The job listing ended with a wrap up of some skills a potential hire should possess. Below, check out a few of those skills, and my handy dandy guide to what they mean...
***

•Set expectations for deliverables and timing and motivate to deliver against them

TRANSLATION: MAKE OTHERS DO YOUR BIDDING -- FAST. CRACK THE WHIP.

•Manage team members through clear objective setting

TRANSLATION: REMIND UNDERLINGS THEIR ASS IS ON THE LINE.

•Promote teamwork and coordination across team members

TRANSLATION: TRY TO KEEP A LID ON THE BITCHING, YA DIG?

•Provide formal evaluations of team members at the close of project

TRANSLATION: YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO BE A JUDGEMENTAL CORPORATE TOOL. A PART OF YOUR SOUL WILL ATROPHY AND DIE. REMEMBER TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOW, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

•Ability to pro-actively anticipate obstacles and create solutions

TRANSLATION: DON'T F UP.

•Experienced with managing multiple projects simultaneously

TRANSLATION: WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU DO THE WORK OF FOUR PEOPLE. THE FOUR WE JUST FIRED AND/OR THE FOUR WHO JUST QUIT.

•Able to work effectively and collaboratively with other clients and vendors

TRANSLATION: YOUR JOB IS MAKING THESE LOONS WE WORK FOR HAPPY. YOU WILL HAVE TO KISS MORE ASS THAN SOMEONE WHO MAKES A LIVING MAKING OUT WITH DONKEYS.

•Able to bring structure to ambiguous situations

TRANSLATION: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING. HELP!

•Solid understanding of various development processes

TRANSLATION: MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? WE HAVE NO CLUE! HELP! HEEEEEELLLLLLLP!

•Ability to proactively manage risk

TRANSLATION: CUT DOWN ON FATTY FOODS AS THIS JOB WILL LIKELY GIVE YOU A STRESS-INDUCED HEART ATTACK.

•Ability to maintain and develop positive client relationships

TRANSLATION: PLEASE DON'T QUIT AND SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS BREAKING.

•Solution based problem solving

TRANSLATION: YOUR FUTURE BOSS IS SO CLUELESS YOU MUST DO HIS JOB. HE WILL GET THE BIG SALARY AND ALL THE CREDIT. ALSO, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE HYPHENS, DO YOU?


NOTE: No loyal fans, I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a F/T babysitter, 'member?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I am experiencing operating difficulties* -- please stand by!

But in the meantime, enjoy my Ed's fabulous take on ski movies in the FT's Arts and Weekend section. Read it here!

Oh and here's one he wrote last week on getting away to the Catskills. Hurrah for my man! Boo to my creative slack!

*Still desperately, actively seeking F/T babysitter/nanny type person, for I return to F/T work shortly. Apply within!