Thursday, August 26, 2004

Republican Convention (Found) Poetry

This is an actual transcript of a conversation I overheard at around 6pm yesterday at a drug store on 3rd avenue and 41st street.

I call this poem:

What the woman behind me at Duane Reade said while talking on her cell phone.

If they want to
Fuckin'
Blow that fuckin' shit up,

I don't care.

I'm not
coming in.

I told them,

"I am not gettin' a fuckin' asthma or a panic attack."

I'm leaving
from tomorrow.

I'm takin'
a car
right after work.

I'm not
comin' back
till September 7th.

I'm not
coming into Manhattan.

No way.

I'm going
to the Bronx.

(Spanish word, Spanish word, Spanish word)

They can fire my ass.

***

PS See below for info on the Red Cross Benefit I'm performing in tonight and my other upcoming shows.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Summer Reruns

It's hotter than a clam's crotch out there today. You can actually see the smell lines coming up from the pavement. Sorry but as I'm currently off sunning myself in an air-conditioned office, I can't be bothered to be clever.

Instead, here's a re-listing of jazzy upcoming shows I'm doing where I will be incredibly clever, Thor willing.

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present --

Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Check out the impressive guest comedian action!

Jen Kerwin, Becky Donahue, Eric Kirchberger

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm
Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
P: (201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!

Update!
Tix are $10 and there's a 2 drink minimum.
All door money goes to the Red Cross; all drinks go down your throat.

Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm
The Village Lantern167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)
Featured comics:Dan Cronin, Bryan Olsen, and me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to MC it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).


*A globe of the greater NY area

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Dog (Walker) Eat Dog World

A woman in my nabe recently tried to sell me on her new dog walking service.

Along with her vitals (and a hot photo of her blissfully getting smooched by a pug and a large pooch) the colorful flyer stated that she was a "13-year vegetarian."

This is a selling point?

It's true that until that moment I had never worried that a dog walker might eat my dog.

But now, I guess I do.

There is little doubt that someone who hasn't had hard core protein in 13 years is the one most prone to snap and suddenly see my Stan at the end of the leash as a starving cartoon character might see him.

So no thanks, I'll pass.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Get Up, Stand Up

On Monday I'm doing a little show in a lovely swank bar that features a great line-up. At 5 bucks, this is a steal.

Monday, August 16th
Get Up, Stand Up
The Flat Lounge
16 1st Ave.
(between 1st & 2nd)
East Village, NYC
Only $5!
Doors 8pm, Show 8:30pm


Here's the ace line-up:

Host : Liam McEneaney (Premium Blend, Luna Lounge)

w/

Tom Shillue: (Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart)
Neal Brennan: (writer; Chappelle's Show, writer; "Half Baked")
Eddie Brill: (Late Show w/ David Letterman, Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn, Comedy Central Presents)
Jon Corbett: Comedy Central's Premium Blend
Becky Donahue: (Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn)
Craig Baldo: (Last Comic Standing, VH1 All Access, Premium Blend)
Susie Felber: ("First Time Caller", US Weekly)

This show is brought to you by
Angela Bowers, Liam McEneaney & the letter M.



Monday, August 09, 2004

Felber Block

Modern Pentathalon & Rhythmic Gymnastics not your thing? Nip that Olympic malaise in the bud -- I'm doing comedy shows August 25th-28th that span the globe* and run the gamut.

Wednesday, August 25th

Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.

Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.

First show: Wednesday, August 25th @ 8:00 p.m.
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drink
Where: Jack's --136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821
Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street

Note: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people. It's either going to be exclusive as hell or funny-because-it's-pathetic. I hope it's a tasty melange of both.

Thursday, August 26th

Red Cross Benefit
Thursday, Aug. 26th @8:00 pm

Rascal's Comedy Club
(Rascals on the Hudson)
360 Marin Blvd
Jersey City, New Jersey 07305
(201) 217-8900

Susie says: Sadly I have no idea how much tix are as of yet. I'm hosting and I've been told the audience will most likely be all firemen. Hot!


Friday, August 27th

Sweet Paprika
Fri., August 27th @ 8:30pm

The Village Lantern
167 Bleeker Street (@ Sullivan St.)

Featured comics:

Dan Cronin
Bryan Olsen
And me, Susie Felber

Hosted by the powerhouse talents of Allison Castillo and Opheria Eisenberg, this is a big little show -- picked a best bet by Backstage Magazine.

Saturday, August 28th

Bold O'Donahue's
Sat., August 27th @ 9pm
East Rockaway

I have no idea how to get to this show or what it will be like... but I'm definitely booked to do it. In fact, I'm not even sure of the name of the place. Details to come (I hope).



*A globe of the greater NY area


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I'm not dead, I'm doing gigs on Long Island

OK, so maybe this is a sort of death, but I have actually found doing shows on Long Island can really be quite exciting.

First there's the fear. I don't just have issues with Long Island -- I have a whole subscription.

I grew up on Long Island. It's the only place that still scares the poop out of me. Since I conquered stage fright way back when dinos ruled the land, but I'd sooner put poisonous snakes in my panties than face the past, Long Island really delivers a potent cocktail of white hot fear. Iraq might be no picnic, but have you ever been deployed to Islip? I didn't think so. Performing on the soil of my ancestral homeland is the only way to really up the stakes.

Then there's the pay. Shows in the sticks (read: anywhere outside of Manhattan), actually pay you. That's not why I perform, but it's nice.

Then there's the people. For the most part, they like me. Each time I hit the L.I.E. I expect my mind-numbingly awful Jr. High experience to be repeated and I brace for it. Doing these shows is like getting in a time-machine, going back and finding that magically everything on Long Island has changed for the better. How is this possible? Did someone tinker with the space/time continuum, severely altering everything in the future? Yes. Go back a whole bunch of years and you'll see: I sneakily picked myself up a wheelbarrow full of confidence, and it changed Long Island forever.

Tonight I'll be performing at The Rare Olive Lounge in Huntington. If anyone who reads this actually shows up, I will buy you a drink and an elk. That's my promise. Free drink/ free elk. Hell, I'll even throw in a year's supply of colored plastic wrap to jazz up your leftovers if you actually show up. See you there!