Monday, December 29, 2003

How to do Drugs with your Dog

You can leave your dark glasses and cane at home because the Rite Aid on the corner of Hudson & Charles allows dogs. Business here is always booming and barking* because most drug stores in NYC won't let a pooch in unless they are carried.

In this Rite Aid around every corner you see a flash of tail, in every aisle you hear the clean click of 16 nails on linoleum and waiting on line you can zone out as the standard poodle sits and ponders the weird little bat faced dog in front of you.

Tonight Stan and I picked up a prescription, conditioner, toothpaste -- and a lamb infused rawhide, just to show my love and allegiance to both Stan and Rite Aid.

It should be said, so I will, that the Grove street pharmacy on Grove and 7th also allows dogs. The Grove street pharmacy is tiny, very friendly and carries to die for upscale skin stuff like Ahava.

Grove street pharmacy does lack some of the finer things in life that Rite Aid boasts; the miles of discounted canned broth, the oaty goodness of half-price breakfast cereals and the aforementioned rawhides. But if you can afford the down payment required for a jar of Ahava moisturizer, you are no stranger to high maintenance charges and will certainly enjoy TGSP, as no one calls it. I am but a West Village peasant and admire the simple charms of Rite Aid.

Oh Rite Aid on Hudson, of thee I sing!


*See how right there I sounded like a bad Zagat's entry? Best grab the leash and see if Rite Aid has a cream for that.




Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Flu and far between

I personally know of only two people who have gotten the flu. One is a comedy writer and good friend. The other is a Swiss pianist who lives next door with her guitarist boyfriend and two aged mutts. I suspect the comedy writer only has the sniffles and is crying flu, but maybe that's wishful yet uncharitable thinking.

But I am completely afraid of slipping into the clutches of the seemingly inevitable flu.

I even have the buds of symptoms. Achey neck, slightly rough throat, and all I want to do is sleep. Am I coming down with the flu or did I have a late night last night?

I don't need a doctor to tell me. I watch way too much CNN.




Friday, December 12, 2003

Untitled #476

Last night the MTV party was pretty uneventful. I danced on top of some light up platform that probably wasn't intended for dancing. I used chopsticks to eat cooked sushi and mushroom tortellini that tasted as if it was filled with sweet potato.

It was so very crowded. It was loud with decent music and there were three shadow dancers that my branded ass could only think of as a live iPod commercial.

I ran into lots of good people I knew among the throngs, and we screamed in each others ears to catch up. Because everything had to be screamed, people got to the point quickly.

"YOU LOOK GREAT"

"I LOST 40 POUNDS. WORK OUT 5 TIMES A WEEK. FEEL THIS. I HAVE NO ASS."

I went to the bathroom and ran into a comedian I love who happened to be working with catering. As we chatted two headphone decked women dressed in black frantically radioed for a female EMT. Jen said, "Someone's drunk." I did a sweep of my eyes to see what stall contained the PA on a bender, but no luck.

That's when Jen told me some guy had fallen earlier from the balcony. "How did I miss it", I thought. "Did he live?" is what I asked. She said he was so drunk he probably didn't feel a thing as he was on his cell phone telling someone about it as he was carried away on a stretcher.

All this and I left before 11PM.

Waiting for the subway, I find I'm on the wrong platform and I book light speed to the local track. There are four cops chatting. Two very fat and in uniform and two chunky but cute undercover cops. The undercover cops are relating how they were with Bloomberg on a subway journey. They speak of the secret service that were also there. One fat cop says awestruck, "I've seen those guys, they have their shit together." They go on about the secret service the way actresses I know go on about Emma Thompson, or comedians I know go on about Andres du Bouchet.

Then they get to talking about the Republican convention, and what a mess it'll be. Protesters coming out of the woodwork... from Seattle, even. Still, one cop points out how great the money will be, what with all that overtime they'll make. They agreed and this threatened to end the conversation.

One of the undercover cops looks worried. He says very ominously, "Oh but you know it'll be nasty."

What? My hackles went up. Will there be rubber bullets? Horses trampling people? Tear gas? I have great respect for the NYPD, but any hint of planned nastiness and I was ready to send Susan Sarandon packing for a trip to City Hall.

"You know those people. They won't have washed in days. They are going to smell. They are going to smell really really bad. And you know we're the ones who are going to hafta pick 'em up."

At that point I couldn't help but laugh. The undercover guy said, "It's OK, you can laugh. But it's true."

It was so cute.

The RNC at Madison Square Garden: smelly hippies vs. budget busting overtime pay. Tickets are on sale now!


Thursday, December 11, 2003

My sweet patootie is off to the MTV Networks holiday party tonight. Now that Comedy Central has been completely assimilated into the Borg, they can no longer have their own holiday party.

Someone just told me there are going to be upwards of 5,000 people there. Since I work from home, I'm going alone. What if I don't run into anyone I know? I'll be stuck in a corner by the punch bowl quietly ripping apart people's fashion choices with P. Diddy, that's what.

Same old, same old.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Felber Tonight

What: SPLIT ENDS – an all female sketch comedy show.

Who: The Ladies of the Brothel, MEAT, guest comics Jessi Klein and Ohira Eisenberg, hosted by Susie Felber <--- that's me chickadees.

When: Tuesday night, Dec. 9th, 7:30 show

Where: The PIT theater – 154 W. 29th Street, between 6th and 7th avenues.

Why: Why not.

All tix $8

Reservations: 212-229-2726

More info on: www.thebrothelnyc.com

Friday, December 05, 2003

Felber Spreads Message of Hate

A few weeks ago I sent a wonderful woman named Naomi a baby shower gift from her internet registry. The day I put in the order, I happened to visit another friend I haven't seen since she fell into the baby vortex. a.k.a. Park Slope, Brooklyn.

There hanging in her son's crib I spied the very toy I had selected a few hours before, The Fisher-Price Ocean Wonders Aquarium.

Wow! I ask Alyssa about it and she says her son loves the toy, always has, it's incredible. She says all her baby laden friends agree it's a must-have. She tells me the thing plays sounds, the fish waggle, light up and... I need to take her word for it. For as I try to take it for a spin she tells me the batteries are currently dead, further proving how much her son loves it.

Excellent, I think. I am the best present giver ever. I don't know much about babies, but I obviously have an intuitive sense about these things. I really should be a personal shopper or a...

"But you know there's something odd," Alyssa says, "I was reading reviews of the toy on some baby site message board. Some parents claim there's a voice under the ocean sounds that clearly says, 'I hate you' to the baby."

What?

Yes. Apparently this toy aquarium delivers subliminal messages of hate. Amid the controversy, Wal-Mart has pulled it from their shelves. A parent in the article even theorizes this is China's way of getting back at us. Sinister indeed!

So I call my friend Naomi today. She is shocked and amazed to learn of the possible cribside peril she has received from me. Now she's eager to plunk the batteries in and listen for the message of pure baby bile.

Of course like me, if it turns out the aquarium actually says, "I hate you"... she'll be totally thrilled.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Oooh Ah

Once again I will grace the back pages of US Weekly. Next week catch Felber's quips a plenty in "Fashion Police."

Now my glam rump is off to Thanksgiving in the not-so-wilds of Long Island. I'm taking my Scottish pal Angie and my Midwestern pal Eris. I'm hoping I can show them where I was raised, but I fear the holiday crowds mean we may not be able to get near the mall.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Monday, November 17, 2003

Queer Eye for the What Ever the F He Was Guy

In the underground halls of the subway at 14th street I spied with my little eye:

A dude in front of me with gel encrusted faux hawk and a big honking monk's bald spot.

It was like looking directly into a shark's anus.



Friday, November 14, 2003

Feeling Testy

I hate having my blood checked. It's not the needle, it's not the blood. Heck I give blood regularly. Giving blood is one of the few things in this life I don't do just for the cookies.

I hate my blood being tested because you can't excel at it. I'm a very competitive person deep down and it's a drag knowing that deep down under your skin the best you can do is "normal." My dad the Hematologist explained this to me early and I remember the disappointment. I told this to my brand spanking new PCP yesterday when he was doing the blood letting. He said, "Well, I guess you could have exceptionally low cholesterol. That would be good."

I lit up, I was like a flower put in water, my nipples exploded with delight.

I got the call from the doc today. I steeled myself against being merely normal. For some reason I had not one fear that something would be abnormal... This from a gal who thinks she has incurable toe cancer at least twice a day.

My blood was... Normal.

Yeah whatever, get to the goods...

"Your cholesterol however is -"

I'm dying doc, dying I tell ya!

"Great. Really exceptional. Very low."

I let out a hoot and started giggling. Tell me more...

"Well your bad cholesterol is very low and your good cholesterol is high."

He reassured me this was good. Very good. He said I could live to 120 with these numbers, as long as someone seeing one of my shows didn't throw an egg at me.

Yeah, I think he said egg. Don't know if that would be fatal or how exterior egg might raise my LDL but bless him for trying. He was actually funnier than that would lead you to believe. For me a funny doctor is more important than if he tries to cure me with feathers, bull's blood and rattles.

Basking in my stellar bodily fluid performance (especially since weight and other factors I get nagged by my mother about should have raised it by now), I thanked him and told him I would keep up the olive oil IV's.

He probably thought, "What? Oh, she's usually funnier than that. Bless her for trying."


Monday, November 10, 2003

Win 50 Pounds of Lobster!

I'm looking to pitch to mags I'm not familiar with. Like Redbook magazine, for example. So far Redbook seems like Cosmo for housewives. Angelina Jolie is on this month's cover, but dressed in jeans and not pouting. Think Lara Croft goes to the PTA meeting. It boils down to less sex, less slinky dresses, more recipes and room makeovers.

Anywho, while checking out Redbook magazine's website, I saw an animated banner ad that said, "Put the lobster in the pot, and you could win 50 pounds of lobster!"

Of course I knew you didn't have to click and drag the lobsters, because I am a saavy and intelligent web surfer. But who was promising to give away 50 pounds of lobster? Why would anyone want 50 pounds of lobster? Storing 50 pounds of lobster would be very difficult. What kind of schmendrake would actually click on a banner ad for 50 pounds of lobster?

So I clicked.

It's not a company sponsored contest. Not that I can see. It's a whole site dedicated to giving away obscene amounts of lobster. Is it an advertising scheme? To what ends? The only clue on the site is that it looks like hot chicks like to have and win 40-50 pounds of lobster... go to the site, you'll see.

www.lobstersweeps.com

Lobstersweeps? Is it a joke? No, but how can it not be a joke?

Who? What? Why? How? I...

I feel woozy.

help

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Untitled #468

Always trolling for more writing work I found a job listing this morning. A monthly glossy mag looking for full length articles. There were four full paragraphs of requirements. Then at the bottom, it got down to brass tacks:

Compensation: t-shirt, sticker pack +

+! +! What do you think the + might be? Maybe... just maybe...it's a travel mug with the magazine's logo! Oooohhhh! Or UPC symbols from Quaker Oatmeal variety packs? Or even the contents of Zsa Zsa Gabor's bagless vacuum cleaner? I'm so dying to know I'm tempted to write the 2500 word feature for them.

OK, the temptation has passed. But I will always remember the sticker pack that got away.

Stoopid economy.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Me Mum, Me Man & Me Stan

My mom's latest book came out last week and you should buy it. Not only do you get a cracking good read, but it's dedicated to my Stan. Wow! You can find To Tempt a Bride in the stores, or all convenient-like with this direct link to it on Amazon.

Oh and mom a.k.a. Edith Layton, is also once again part of the latest Christmas collection of Regency romances. Here's your super direct-o link to Regency Christmas Wishes.

***

Also my newspaper editing wonder boy Ed takes his 2nd amble into the glamour packed land of showbiz I know all too well by doing all the voices on Bob Shea's latest Brit-puppets-on-Bicardi-bottles short. Watch "The Foreign Exchange Student and His Mysterious Suitcase" here and now.


Not much to report from my end. I've got to get to writing the Spotlight newsletter and then to finding a parka that doesn't make me look like a curly haired hippy marshmallow, a pair of running sneaks that don't give me Brazil shaped blisters and a duvet that has some loft to surround my womanly curves. Since I am a cheapskate who adores quality and hates shopping you can expect these purchases to be made by the summer of 2006.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Tomorrow, Saturday November 1st at Midnight

I'm doing a 30 minute set @ The Albatross Bar in Astoria Queens.

36-19 24th Avenue, on the corner of 37th Street and 24th Ave.
Very convenient to the N/W train (Astoria Blvd stop). It's a lesbian/gay bar and I'm told it's small with a great crowd. The ride on the N/W line is fifteen minutes from midtown Manhattan.

I was also told:
"If your friends want to come we can put them on a VIP list. No cover and two free drinks each! I just have to get their names ahead of time."

Nice. My pal Eris is coming with a posse of midwesterners. If you want to be my midnight comedy & free drinks, queens & Queens friendly friend, just e-mail me.


Thursday, October 23, 2003

Crap!

I'm going out of town and I'm going to miss the Colossal Colon Tour!

From the site in case the link goes bye bye:

What is the Colossal Colon?


The Colossal Colon is a 40-foot long, 4-foot high replica of a human colon. Visitors who crawl through the colon, or look through the viewing windows, will see healthy colon tissue, colon disease, polyps and various stages of colon cancer. The Colon was modeled after a real colon taken from colonoscopy film footage and is extremely lifelike.


Crap!

Or rather, what crap travels in.

Ah well, I would hate to brave the lines and possibly deprive some kid of the once in a lifetime chance to crawl around inside a giant colon.

Also I bet they'll be a lot of poseurs there. You know, those people who go to giant anatomy walk throughs? They think they're so cool. Sorry but just because I haven't sipped cocktails from the Super Size Spleen or partied at Lymphatic-a-Palooza, doesn't mean I'm not cool.

Lots of other things make me uncool, thanks very much.

***Update: 5 minutes after posting this my friend who is a producer on Jimmy Kimmel Live told me they already had the colon on their show, and had guests like Gary Busey and Adam Pena enter through it. It's humbling to learn the colon is totally doing better than me careerwise. Still what a hook! There are tons of assholes in showbiz but very few colons.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Hot Felber Action

TONIGHT kitty cats:

GIANT TUESDAY NIGHT OF AMAZING INVENTIONS AND ALSO
THERE IS A GAME!!!
Tuesdays at 8pm
UNDER St. Marks
94 St. Marks Place (between First Ave. and Ave. A)
tickets are $5 - avail. at the door, on smarttix.com,
or by calling 212-868-444

Tonight, Oct. 21st, notorious mobster Frankie No-Pants (Andres du Bouchet) is being forced to host the show as part of his participation in the Rikers Island
Rehabilitainment Program. He is pleased to welcome:

Susie Felber (c'est moi!)
Mark Giordano
Matt Goldich
The Knuckleheads
Liam McEneaney
Val Kappa

PLUS Jonny Fido, Jamie Greenberg, Deb Rabbai, Michael Reisman
WITH music from The Chairmen of the Board (Mike Birch, Eric Chercover and Randy Soare)!

Monday, October 20, 2003

I don't know

My goals used to be so intense. I'd say to myself, "This year I'm going to earn a few million, get on SNL and do something saucy with actor Jason Patric (from his skeevy yet appealing Rush phase)."

Now that I'm older I find my goals are a bit less lofty.

This year I’m not going to be eaten by jackals. That’s my primary goal.

Not eaten by jackals = success.

Crossed fingers!

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Can't you smell that smell?

The ginko trees of the West Village have started hurling their stink bombs at us. The rotting fruit of the female ginko tree smells like the sidewalks have been dressed with cheese spread made in a Yugoslavian man's crotch.

Good Morning!

In other news I have often passed and considered making a visit to the Museum of Sex. The museum's goal is to educate by telling the story of people doing the nasty in various ways through the ages.

They say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

So no way am I going.

Friday, October 10, 2003

Yesterday I met Arthur Miller's grandchild

I think we really had some chemistry. I love a guy who is in touch with his emotions and not afraid to cry. He smiled at me as he ate pre-torn off pieces of croissant. I didn't get his name, probably because he doesn't know it yet. Some people say flirting with a guy in a stroller is futile. But since he's cute, connected and our age difference is merely Zeta Jones-Douglas sized, I call him a catch.

So hey! Besdies the show I'm doing this Saturday at midnight (see yesterday), I'm hosting a sketch comedy benefit on Tuesday for abused animals! Cool! I am so for abused animals. Slap the pigs and come on down to:

ANIMAL FARM!!
A sketch comedy benefit

Tuesday night, October 14th, 7:30 pm
The PIT Theater, 154 W. 29th Street, between 6th and 7th avenues
New York City
$10

There will be singing and dancing and sketching galore. The Brothel (Ms. Marisa Miller, Ms. Sarah Spill, Ms. Margaret Champagne, Ms. Sara Polon) proudly present this wild night of sketch comedy to benefit Farm Sanctuary. Also featuring sketch performances from The Incontinentals & The Scallywags. Hosted by me, Susie Felber.

I guess I should find out what " farm sanctuary " is. Yoga for sexually abused cows? No clue. Ah, here's a clue... farmsanctuary.org

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I just ate a whole seedless cucumber!


And I also have a small, small part in this exciting show. It's a staged reading, a grand collaboration and it's taking place Saturday @ midnight. I'm also hosting a sketch benefit at the PIT on Tuesday night, but the cucumber says I should post those details tomorrow.

***
July, 2003: thirteen New York comedy writers get together to collaborate on a play
August, 2003: the writers are given a story and each is assigned a scene to pen
September, 2003: the scenes are compiled, a script is completed, copies are assembled with binder clips

Saturday, October 11th, Midnight: The play is put on the stage...

Save The Town Productions presents


Welcome Home Chester Stanley

a play in thirteen scenes
by thirteen New York comedy writers

created by Andres du Bouchet and Bob Powers

story by Bob Powers

written by
* Sean Conroy - Conan O'Brien, Premium Blend
* Andres du Bouchet - Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There Is A Game
* Ritch Duncan - editor, Jest Magazine
* Adam Felber - NPR's "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me"
* Christian Finnegan - Premium Blend, Montreal Comedy Festival
* Susannah Keagle - Jest Magazine
* Todd Levin - McSweeney's, Modern Humorist
* Liam McEneaney - Premium Blend
* Amanda Melson - Jest Magazine, Laugh Riots
* Bob Powers - NY Press, Jest Magazine, girlsarepretty.com
* Chris Regan - 2-time Emmy winning writer, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
* Michael Reisman - Jest Magazine
* Bryan Tucker - writer, Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn, The Chris Rock Show, Mad TV

and starring
Jeff Campbell, Susie Felber, Jonny Fido, Adam Hipschen, Brian Huskey, Eric Kirchberger, Amy Larimer, Liam McEneaney, Amanda Melson, Seth Morris, James Oakes, and Jessica Phillips

a staged reading

Saturday, October 11th, Midnight

at the Jean Cocteau Repertory Theater
Club Cocteau
330 Bowery
(corner of Bowery and Bond/East 2nd St.)
Doors open at 11:00 PM

Tickets are $8.00
Reservation line: 212-677-0060, ext. 19


drinks will be available for suggested donation during the show

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Ow

I've had so many late nights and so much fun, I'm in pain and I've chronically injured that part of my cerebral cortex that controls and regulates trivial blog entries.

Last night I was hanging out post concert with the Fleetwood Mac tour luminaries at the Ritz Carlton.

I could drop more names but I fear I might injure the little dog sleeping at my feet.


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

When Nerds Attack

Look out, she's pissed at having to look at her more ample sistahs.

Her homepage says "Also, this month is all about toned, not fleshy. "

Fashion police giving out tickets isn't new, it's a game we played in the playground. But this isn't about the clothes so much as the extra pound of flesh. This woman oft mentions there is a dearth of women on the techie panels and events she works. Maybe it's because they don't like her.

Me-Yow!

OK I'll admit, she hurt me and my kind and like a wounded animal I scratch back. I live in her nabe. I own a pair or two of those jeans and wear them to death potting around our hood. I am not a model or a child. I jog down the West Side Highway too, but only so that I can fit through the door. I plead that those were the only jeans on offer at Marshall's.

Yes Marshall's... in Middletown, NY no less. My secret shame. Even my beloved Salvation Armani would have more street cred. And I...I...am cheap. I'm not rich and totally cheap when it comes to clothes. Anything I wear that doesn't have holes or someone else's vintage B.O. ingrained in it my mother has bought me. I live in the wrong neighborhood, I know.

So how is it that I've been one of the Fashion Police? Well, I poke fun at celebrities and try to never be mean. Celebrities who are dressed for an event, who also have enough money to do better. And well, I suppose my only defense is that I don't make fun of the clothes or the people so much as make the clothing choice seem funny.

Or maybe it's just that Karma has come back to bite me in the bootylicious ass.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Retarded Inbred Squirrels
or
If I Had Time I'd Write You a Shorter Post

Today I spied my first ever black squirrel on W4th street between Charles and Perry. The tail wasn't very bushy and it was less skittish about being chased by Stan. In fact it was pretty slow getting away and up a tree. Stan tried to climb the tree and made desperate bird like noises at it but only got as far as putting his paws on the cast iron foot tall gate surrounding the tree. The construction workers who are perpetually working on the restaurant formerly known as Anton's laughed at him.

I saw another or the same black squirrel on Charles street on our second walk. This time the black squirrel was just as slow getting up a tree but carrying a whole peanut. Stan just as psyched. I wondered where the squirrel got the peanut. Stan and I were gaping at the squirrel for a good long while, probably because I'm spaced out on cold medicine and he's a dog who loves to hate squirrels. I enjoyed watching Stan watch the squirrel go to the top of the tree because this one didn't blend in with the bark. It was roundabout then that I noticed two happy and well dressed black women with a baby in a carriage were walking down Charles and laughing at us.

I volunteered, "He likes squirrels." They looked at me with one part interest, 3 parts pity. I felt I needed to justify myself more and I said, "Have you ever seen a black squirrel?" They looked at the squirrel and then I worried they thought I was making a racist comment so feeling the need to explain myself more I added, "They are so beautiful, but I've never seen a black squirrel, have you?"

At this point the women think I'm borderline insane. One finally says, "No, I haven't actually" and they politely ran away scooting down the block as fast at those stroller wheels would take them.

I sniffled my way back home and to the bat computer, where I was sure there was a wealth of black squirrel information, or at the very least, other dolts like me declaring they'd seen a black squirrel.

After learning that if you google "black squirrel new york" the first entry you get is a listing for gay bars, I got my answer.

Check this out:

Squirrels are evolving in New York City.

At Riverside Park on the West Side of Manhattan there are cinnamon colored squirrels. At Grammarcy Park and several other parks around the city you'll find black and dark brown squirrels. But these aren't new species but rather variants of the eastern gray squirrel.

According to Robert S. Voss, curator of mammalogy at the American Museum of Natural History, cinnamon and black coloration genes exist in the eastern gray squirrel population, in fact, in all squirrel populations. Through in-breeding, these recessive traits have come out. City parks form islands, because the streets, sidewalks and buildings of New York are too inhospitable to the squirrels to permit them to mix with squirrels elsewhere in the city. Plus, the urban environment has eliminated almost all squirrel predators. Cinnamon and black colored squirrels are usually at a disadvantage because they stand out against gray tree trunks and so are easier targets for predators. But with the predators eliminated the variant colored squirrels are able to survive.


The above taken from Darwin chat.

And then there's a cheap web page filled with crackpot theories that looks like it has been abandoned in cyber space called the Squirrels in Black. I found this page oddly comforting.

And the moral is: no moral, just another page for my fellow New Yorkers to find should they ever doubt their sanity upon encountering a black squirrel while hopped up on cold medicine.


Monday, September 22, 2003

Play it Again, Sus

Thanks to my involvement in "Wonkopera", a Willy Wonka Rock Opera
it turns out Johnny Depp is now interested in taking on the role of Willy Wonka.

Yeah, we're that good.

Wonkopera runs just two more nights. Catch it Tonight* and next Monday the 28th at Chetty Red, 23rd St. betwixt Park and Madison. The show is round about 8PM and is just 5 bucks with no drink minimum. Speaking of drinky drinks, if you're cheap, an alcoholic or both -- know that they there are 2 for 1 until 8PM. Yowsie!

"Wonkopera"
Written by Dave Juskow, arranged by Mark Humble. Every Monday in September at Chetty Red, performed by the Crusaders of Science: Dave Juskow (vocals), Mark Humble (bass, Vocals), Tony Fortuna (Drums), and Karl Wenninger (guitar). Featuring Susie Felber as Veruca Salt and Jeanett Mienert as Boatswain's Mate and sassy Oompa Loompa.


*Tonight will mark our 3rd performance, but my first being sick as a pooch. I've had my annual cold since Wednesday night and I'm finally able to get out of bed and talk. I'm coughing up technicolor stuff and I blame this all on my recent healthy eating, no smoking, jogging plan I've been on. A woman in my building said I'm "detoxing." If this same woman didn't pay to be given cure all hickeys, I might just believe her.

Friday, September 19, 2003

CNN Hyperblowe

Yesterday during Hurricane Isabel CNN reporter Kathleen Koch was seen in a yellow slicker, oft hanging onto a planter . I also remember her interviewing a couple on the beach. She was all fired up and very disappointed that the couple seemed really calm and happy watching the storm roll in. She enjoyed telling them the danger they were in. She told them to take shelter, most likely because they ruined the hysterical tone she was trying to set.

A few minutes ago she was interviewed as part of the CNN hurricane circle jerk. She told of her young daughter being scared for her while watching mommy being batted around in the wind on TV. So she explained to her daughter that her reporting on the hurricane was exactly like the 9-11 firefighters, running into a burning building because they had a job to do.

Oh no she di'n't!

Oh yes, she did.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

The Bottom Line

I myself never found crotchless panties sexy.

Now you won't either.

Friday, September 12, 2003

Untitled #47

On W4th street today I spied a white Subaru Outback wagon with a plate that read:

NANCBOYZ

***

Now if anyone thought my post yesterday was a bit too superficial for the date I suppose it's because September 10 was much more emotional for me than 9/11. For that morning while walking Stan I saw a pretty business woman about my age get run over by a motorcycle. Actually she didn't get run over, she got hit and flew in the air before landing on 7th avenue. She had my ethnic hair but in beautiful glossy black. One not glossy low heeled black pump was in the middle of 7th avenue, one almost on her foot. She had a black calf length skirt on and was wearing grey stockings. Actually if she wasn't on her way to work she could've been on her way to a funeral. The almost blonde woman next to me clutched her child's stroller harder and burst out crying telling no one in particular, "I saw the whole thing! She went flying!" This woman was only a tad less helpful than the man who showed up a few seconds later telling 911, "a woman just fell off her motorcycle." Feeling helpless and not wanting to be one of 100 people calling 911 I ran the block to St. Vincents hospital hating myself for feeling self-conscious about my midriff possibly poking out. I told a doctor outside what had happened. He looked very bored and a bit peeved at me for alerting him to an accident within eyeshot. He said, "Don't worry, I'm sure they'll get her." The fire department did show up a few minutes later. Yes the fire department. I never saw her face, she was wearing a veil of blood. I wish I knew how to find this woman. I want to give her cookies and bath salts and let her tell me for the 1000th time how traumatic it was. I want to do anything and everything for her to plug the hole that is my own gaping uselessness.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Listen Cats, Dogs Should be Allowed at Former Woodstock Site
by Susie

An open letter to the people who now run the Woodstock music festival site which is now known as Bethel Woods:

It was a total bummer man, to go all the way to your beautiful fall harvest festival in the middle of a field only to discover no dogs were allowed. I know the original Woodstock founders have nothing to do with the new owners but I implore y'all to reconsider this totally uncool to canines policy. At the original Woodstock there were lots of dogs and no one got bitten as far as I know. If you are really nervous about liability, maybe you should put up a sign that says, "No Uncool Biting Dogs Allowed."

I also noticed there is now a distinct lack of young nubile naked people and I think you should reconsider that as well. In my experience people like to see young nubile naked people. Just saying.

Thanks in advance for immediately revising your lame no pooch policy because of this letter.

Susie and her dog Stan


For those of you that subscribe, yes, I wrote almost this very thing for the Spotlight newsletter this week.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Really High Society

I'm off to the Society of Illustrators tonight dahhhhhlings.

Me? I have no visual talent other than being able to see where to snag a drink from their open bar. But I do have a good friend with a piece in the show and I adore the Soc of Ill, as all the kids call it. It's like the Friars Club for artists. It's beautiful and a somewhat hidden NYC treasure. And... oh my stars and garters! I must shower and buff and bathe myself in hot oils!

Toodles!

PS For a limited time only, enjoy (or not) the tacky photo/music montage of Stan by scrolling down to the bottom of the page and turning up the music.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Summer Lovin'

Here's to an emerging tradition: The post Labor day break up blog.

Then again, if you like foreshadowing, you can still can find many good summer love logs. Actually I admit I want to adopt the kid whose blog that is.

I myself am fascinated by the blogs of teens who've been recently programmed at a church camp. Because church camp rocks. Especially when you're a guy getting lots of attention from teenage girls in search of HIM. Nah, I like all religious blogs. Especially this woman who realized she was a sinner when she was 8 years old.

The church camp down the road from our Catskill digs just ended. This is good because when not in worship some people from there (counselors probably) tossed their beers on the road, were loudly drunk on our road and finally they threw eggs at cars parked on our road. Point is, they should've invited us along.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Truly, Madly, Directly

I got my 50 bucks worth of free grub from Fresh Direct today and I'm as giddy as a teenage girl.

If they go out of business I will feel really guilty (she said between bites of free pate and French triple creme).

The stuff came wrapped beautifully and in boxes to boot. It was just like Christmas except I got stuff I could actually use. It came smack in the middle of my 2 hour delivery window and you are told they do not accept tips, though I still felt guilty about not offering.

Speaking of giddy teenage girls, if you are disappointed in my sporadic posting and want someone in the mood to share her grand emotions, I recommend this girl.

Scratch that. If you want to know about young love, nothing beats this sweet wiccan who works at Wendy's.

Monday, August 18, 2003

STOP THE PRESSES!

This just in from Paul Sullivan, the director of the film I just shot in Florida. Come on down to catch this very hot off the cameras sneak peek! What follows is from Paul:

On Wednesday, September 10th, come to the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater
during "Hump Night" to see the unveiling of the first teaser trailer for the
feature science fiction comedy "First Time Caller."

The film is my debut as a feature director after several years directing
short films and producing for "The Daily Show", Animal Planet and PBS. The
script is written by Emmy and WGA nominated writer Ted Sullivan, Sean
McPharlin and myself.

The cast features many well known faces from TV and movies:
David Alan Basche ("Three Sisters", "Miss Match")
Patrick Warburton ("The Tick", Puddy from "Seinfeld")
Thomas Gibson (Greg from "Dharma and Greg.")
Siobahn Fallon ("Men in Black", "Saturday Night Live" and "Dancer in the
Dark.")
Chris Elliott ("Get a Life", "Letterman", "Groundhog Day", "There's
Something About Mary")
Ed Helms ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart")
Mo Rocca ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and the new show "Smoking
Gun.")
Doc Dougherty ("One Life to Live")
and
Fred Willard ("This is Spinal Tap", "Fernwood Tonight", "Waiting for
Guffman", "Best in Show" and "A Mighty Wind.")


and also comics and performers known to the New York and L.A. stand up
scene:

Patrick Gallo
CeCe Pleasants
Dan Cronin
Ritch Duncan
Susie Felber
Susannah Keagle
James Oakes
P. J. Marino
Jonathan Corbett
Brody Stevens
Livia Scott

Catch the first public glimpse of the film and also enjoy Hump Night, one of
the best stand up shows in the city, hosted by Sean Conroy

UCB Theater
307 w 26 st just west of 8th ave
New York City
11 PM

212 366 9176 for reservations

Hope to see you there and pass this information along....

Paul Sullivan

Sunday, August 17, 2003

9035 Matches for eating shit in your Personal Network:

I just searched interests on Friendster* and got bored after my first search.

Still when my second search turned up 9035 people connected to me who were interested in "eating shit" I was quite giddy.

Like this guy, an alleged 19 year old from San Francisco.

Update! I am a moron, that link does not work for you outsiders and I'm not the picture posting kind of blog gal. Suffice to say the aforementioned dudes picture was of a small serious looking dog in a monkey costume.

*I only joined Friendster this month, so apologies if this discovery is old chapeau.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Every Monday in September at Chetty Red

I'll be starring as Veruka Salt in a hard rock musical based on Willy Wonka!

Dave Juskow will be singing all the other parts and has written orignal songs as well.

Update 9/3: I've heard then whole sheebang and it's fabulous. The new arrangements for old songs rock and their orignal songs are dreamy. It's about 45 minutes of solid music and good twist.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Free Basil!

Who:

Wouldn't want free basil?

What:

FREE GAWD DANG BASIL!

Where:

Manhattan's West Village

In front of the doorman building, across from the Laundromat, a stone's throw from a new salon called "Sparkle."

Charles street (between Waverly Pl. and Greenwich Aves.)

Around the corner from Waverly on the west side of the street


When:

24-7

Until the first frost or people pick it all, whichever comes first.


How:

Look to the plantings to the left of the door. There your will see yellow rose bushes, badly pruned scrubby bushes and then a few huge basil plants that are almost as big as bushes with glossy, healthy looking leaves.

The plants are not guarded or fenced and the doorman isn't outside. If you just take a few leaves they'll never miss it. Plus, these basil plants are rapidly approaching a flowering, which should be avoided. By pinching them back and snicking some for yourself, you will actually be doing them a favor.


Why:

The basil is part of a raised bed that is far out of reach of even the most talented Great Dane's pee range.

Can you say Brushetta?

It's free.


Thursday, July 31, 2003

I like Gawker. I like the tone of voice, the gossip and the links. But Gawker is beginning to wear on me. Gawker makes a career out of telling you what isn't cool anymore. Trucker hats, Friendster, MOBs that aren't of the original ilk, saying "peeps", etc..

I'm tired of being "over" things. I long for publications that go out on a limb and tell you what is cool. Even though they're usually late, grossly exaggerating the facts or dead wrong, it takes more balls, no?

See the recent overblown New York magazine article on the Catskills for example.

The article claims that the Catskill mountain winds make the bugs not a problem. Please tell that to my spotty inflamed ass. If you don't wear enough Deet to ensure you're certain to have 5-headed babies, you will be bitten to small uneven pieces.

The article also tells of pie in the sky properties for sale. You CAN NOT get a charming farmhouse "fixer-upper" with privacy and land for less then a Manhattan one bedroom... unless it's on a major country highway with screaming traffic, has no plumbing and also features a dog breeder living next door with 50 kennels full of baying huskies.

The article also doesn't tell of bears who overturn your composter for fun. I will.

Oh and the article profiles a journalist I went to college with. I was embarrassed when they claimed he and his girlfriend, "painted the dining room to match an orange Herm├Ęs shopping bag." I wonder, was he?

I love the rustic, homey area of the Catskills I'm in (Not telling! Please don't move there!) but New York magazine needs to put the cap back on the glue.

Since I became a weekender in them there sticks (me a writer and comedian with my British journalist arm candy and our stray dog! So sexy!) long before the article, maybe I am finally a cool trailblazer!

But as I well know and as I imagine Gawker would confirm, once you've made it to cool, you're no longer cool. I worry that, hoist by their own petard, the same may soon apply to Gawker.
As I mentioned, I got a small part in a real live indie feature. I just got back from Melbourne. No, the one in Florida, baby. It was a total blast. I have great faith in everyone associated with this film. The strong script, ace directing and blend of up and coming comedians with established comedy actors will make this film. The crew was great and though I was only there for a week the actors (save me) were great. My acting goal is and always is, "to not suck." Beyond that I can't judge myself.

Now I almost understand why actors do those Thor-awful TV interviews that begin and end with; "It was wonderful. He was wonderful. Oh yeah, so-and-so is really brilliant. It was so great working with X."

See now I know what they're editing out: The 4 AM group swimming, the music and the singing, the fabulous meals, the crew member who gets drunk and tells everyone a sexual tidbit that makes one wonder if it's more disturbing that we all know they did it or that not one other person had ever even thought about doing it.

Or maybe that was just our set.

Read more about the fun, talented bunch in another article about the movie that came out on Sunday.

Sadly the pictures didn't make it to the web, but whateve.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Blogging into the Sunset

Will all of us be blogging 10, 20 years from now? How about 50 years from now? I traveled far into the future just to find out. Here's a piece from a random blog I found. It's not that popular from what I can tell, but it seems fairly representative of the blogs from the mid 21st century. It was titled, "It All Depends." Note: If some of the text seems to have funky characters, it's because it's very hard to cut and paste from future blogs to our modern day ones...

12/3/2065

Sorry I haven't posted in sooooo long. I took my comments system down because I was tired of all the trash talk from the anti-human peeps.

My kid called today. She says, "Hey mom! How's it going?" I'm like, HELLO, I'm in a goddamn nursing home, how do you think I am? I'm served my choice of tuna or egg salad every freakin' day (note: the tuna rocks, actually) and my roommate screams through the night and barks during the day. My daughter's husband is still an asshole (surprise!). He's got eyes that are indistinguishable from the common weasel. Just do an image search on Google for Dave Sheaderbaum and you'll see what I mean. I'm soooooo glad none of the grandkids got his rat-like features. I'd post a photo of him but Brittney down the hall in 3D broke my scanner trying to update her Korn nostalgia site. That woman was born senile. I had something else I wanted to write but I can't remember it...and they've come to change my Depend so sayonara for now!

12/4/2065

Not much today, but check out this link that was sent to me. Looks like Gawker has the dirt on the aliens that took over Earth last week. IMHO the Kzrandish are much better looking and they don't wear those annoying hats. I would love to know how they get their tentacles so shiny! I say if we're going to be ruled by aliens, you just gotta deal, but I've got a terrible feeling that these guys are going to be even more annoying than our Sendok rulers were.

Oh damn. Brittney says she needs the computer and they haven't come to change my personal undergarment. This blows worse than the egg salad. I'm still bummed that everyone 30 years younger than me is immortal thanks to that new fangled alien technology. Not fair! Wahhhh! Ah well, what are you going to do?

12/5/2065

Oh. Mi. Gawd.

Was checking my site meter today. I expect to get hits looking for naked pictures of the Kzrandish leader, but what I didn't expect was someone searching for my asshole son-in-law. So I checked the IP and it's him. He was searching for his own name! I guess he's got nothing better to do since the aliens enslaved him and made him temp on the Mothership. As he's the one who made me go into the nursing home rather than live with him on his huge (but oh-so tacky) digs on Mars all I can say is BURN! The upside is they've probably anally probed him good. Then again, I wouldn't mind being anally probed by a whole Kzrandish platoon, but that's another story! Ah, a gal can dream... Oh! I think I've wet myself. Ciao for now!

12/6/2065

Ha! Check this out. Gawker overheard a Zrreftian at a downtown tourist trap drunkenly boasting that the aliens made the under 65 set immortal just so they can work for them forever. I could just die of happiness! Dave -- jealous much? Hahahahaha!

Rats. Even typing that laughter made me leak pee. Whateve dudes, I recently found I can get my stash way cheaper online.

12/7/2065

It's now the law that the word "snarky" must be printed in every article, everyday. They say it's the aliens way of breaking down our will. I'm sad to say, it's working. Boo aliens. These alien oppressors really are oppressive. I have half a mind to send my used diapers to the Mothership. Naw, I'm too much of a pussy and besides I'm not ready to be vaporized yet! Later. It's MC Tuna time.


Sunday, July 20, 2003

The Real Wizard of Was

I think I saw Michael Musto ride by on his bike a week or so ago. I googled the phrase 'Michael Musto Bike' and found a genuinely sort of cute article from '99 about him and his bike. So now I'm pretty sure I saw Michael Musto ride by on his bike! While walking my little dog too!

I thought that was pretty cool especially since when it comes to fingering celebs in my midst I'm usually as talented as Mister Magoo at an orgy.

Then I found this:

"...I saw Village Voice gossip columnist Michael Musto ride by on his bike, something I've seen many times in the past five years. "

- writer Jami Attenberg, 6/4/03

So...I'm reporting a sighting that's not fresh, totally unremarkable and I'm gossiping about merely seeing a gossip columnist. I would really feel pathetic if I didn't have a red hot sighting to report!

Today I saw Joe Franklin get out of a car on West 4th street, a stone's throw from Stonewall on Christopher street and not 10 feet from my bank!

My bank! Joe was outside of, and not far from Chase. Chase does not charge me fees when I use their bank machines. That's how connected I am!

You want cutting edge? You got it!

Because I obviously don't.
Simpletons

"Everything you ever wanted to know about simplification is in the pages of Janet Luhrs's The Simple Living Guide. It is truly an encyclopedic work."

- Elaine St. James
author of Simplify Your Life and Living the Simple Life.
Source: simpleliving.com

I am obsessed by and am thoroughly suspect of people who make their living through "simplicity."

In the interest of full disclosure I come from a pack rat family that admires the pluck of the Collier brothers (Collyer?) and religiously practices the ancient art of Fucked Shui.

Yeah, I'll admit there may be quite a few skeletons in the Felber family closet. To wit, we haven't seen uncle Herman since he tried to fetch his rain slicker.

Friday, July 18, 2003

I started thinking about how the mass of gossipy New York blogs reminded me of Foucault's panopticon.
So I started re-reading Foucault.
And I remembered why
I'm so glad
to be finished with being a student.

Now you'll excuse me, this former pretentious wanna be intellectual has schlocky horoscopes to write.

Friday, July 11, 2003

I'm Ready For My Close Up

No, not really.

Not really ready, that is. But I thought the following might be more interesting than telling you about my annual morning jog.

Looksie here kids, I'm going to have a small part in a movie.

I'm way psyched and I'll believe it's really happening about 6 years after I've done it.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

When I see an anonymous blog where someone hasn't posted in a good long while, I have wondered and worried, "What if this person has died?" Their blog might just be floating like a silver granola bar wrapper lolling down a dirt road. Ohmigawd what if?"

Then, fearing they are dead I notice that their cute complaining about the lady in line in front of them at Bed Bath & Beyond (who held them up trying to get a price check on glass cookie mix gift jars) suddenly seems a tad less poignant. Seeing as I don't know them and this is what they have left behind for eternity, well it would almost be sadder than their death. Or maybe just embarrassing.

Well I'm alive and I'm too tired and hopped up on Crystal Light cocktails to be deep or to even be trivial in an interesting way. But I am egotistical enough to worry that my 3 loyal readers are worried sick about me and so I find I am able to be a self-promoter. Thank the cocktails and the magic of cut unt paste for this rare Felber plug.

This coming Tuesday I'm appearing in:

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and also there is a game.

GTN as it is known is @ St. Marks Theater
94 St. Marks Place between First Ave. and Avenue A and also it is slightly underground
8PM
$5 at the door only
b.y.o.b. but in a non a-hole way, s'il vous plait.

And I'm be doing something all new kitty cats. Thor willing it won't suck.

Ahhh, but the show won't suck as it's owned and operated by brilliant M. Andres du Bouchet.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Put the Kibosh on it?

I have a tingly feeling that the word "kibosh" has gotten too hot too quickly. I wish to Thor I could tell you more.

Is it Batsense, Spideysense or the fact that yesterday I heard a certain word used enthusiastically by a cut rate DJ and then saw it in Vanity Fair's borderline pedophilia issue the same day? To show it was in the knowsies, Vanity Fair employed the barfy cutesy "kiboshing."

Put on your galoshes because soon we're gonna be up to our armpits in kiboshes.

You've been warned.

PS Tonight I'm going to the Hendrick Goltzius opening at the Met (hope i get to meet him!) and then doing a spot @ The Shark Show.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Question

If someone wore a trucker hat that said, "TRUCKER HATS SUCK" would it then be considered cool again?

Just Wondering.
Jumping their Shark

Hey stalkers of Felber,

This Thursday night I'm pleased to be appearing at The Shark Show.

The Shark Show
Thursday @ 10pm
People's Improv Theater a.k.a. The PIT
154 W 29th Street
$6

Warning: new Felber material may contain traces of...

Garfield, Paul Lombardi and Manhattan Flash Mob's.

I'll try extra hard not to talk about...

Spike vs. Spike TV or my upcoming trial investigating possible improper tips I may or may not have received from Sam Waksal.

I promise I won't talk about...

President Bush slipping on his Segway, an event that was hack fodder before it happened. I don't know how, actually, but I think it's something to do with the space/time continuum.


Monday, June 23, 2003

Friday, June 20, 2003

Dry Humping on the Bandwagon

"One of those jokes that only you and me and Williamsburg hipsters who wear ironic trucker-style baseball hats would get, but so, so true."

- Tricia Romano, The Village Voice, 4/7/2003



Dear New York City Writing Community,

As I'm sure you're aware, dissing "Trucker Hats" and "Williamsburg Hipsters" does not automatically make you cool. Though most people who do write something snarky along those lines do report a nanosecond of feeling "above it" and a fleeting sensation of being "in the know."

However, making fun of this sort of microtrend really just points up the fact that you yourself were probably made fun of as a teenager and have since been desperately scrambling for a semblance of cool your entire adult life, even though your flavor of cool is by necessity a rabid "anti-cool" stance.

So read on because we probably have a lot in common!

That being said, while I have never partaken in wearing a trucker hat or being a Williamsburg hipster, I say you should leave them well enough alone.

I am now painfully aware that my loathing for these things stems from the fact that I am insanely jealous of their youthful joie de vivre and their heaping side order of cluelessness. For it is these very aforementioned traits that not only permit but actually aid their teeming, frothy, almost unchecked sex appeal.

It may suck, but you just gotta deal.

Being a microtrend whiner is the new black. Since everyone is doing it, I am here to tell you being a microtrend whiner is no longer cool.

Thanks for your time and you may now go back to taking notes at Gawker

Smoochies,

Susie

PS I have decided to let you go on believing that all them ultra sexy white inhabitants of Williamsburg we all hate somehow all have trust funds. You're welcome!





Wednesday, June 11, 2003

I Spy Philip Seymour Hoffman

I see as of last night, lots of people are coming here to learn about some of my pals via "Last Comic Standing" searches. Although they as of yet haven't put anyone on their official site and I know a bit about what's to come, I was surprised to find I immediately felt an allegiance to NBC to not reveal their hand. So I won't. Plus, come to think of it, NBC has given me some nice little work and they pay gawd damn residuals.

Do reality shows pay residuals? Like they don't even pay, do they? Probably not on both counts and who the screw replays a reality show? Once you know the outcome it's much less interesting, right? So there's the best reason to leave you people guessing. If you want to know what happens, wait it out and eventually there's bound to be a cable network that only shows reality show re-runs. For now feel the dramatic arc, don't forget to breathe.

I liked what I saw. Still "The Search for the Funniest Person in America" is a truckload of oversell. How about the -- hello! -- esteemed judges? Like even a Quinn set at the Cellar where he's working out new stuff by reading off a sheet of paper, is awesome. Then I've seen him less than a week later, doing the same stuff sans paper polished to a high shine. It's amazing. Anyway, I digress no more...

If you missed last night's 2 hour premiere of Last Comic Standing on NBC, complete with the wonderful Baldo, Pepitone, Kerwin, Vos, and Kahaney and their NY antics it will be replayed Saturday at 8PM E/P on Comedy Central.

Um, cut the promo, what's with Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Oh yeah. Since I leave you in the dark about LCS, I can provide steamy PSH dish -- a SPD exclusive!

Last night I spied Philip Seymour Hoffman. When it comes to picking out celebrities I'm usually as clueless as Mr. Magoo at an orgy, but I recognized him sitting with two friends on the verdant Astroturf at the stunning new bit of Hudson River Park.

I actually never would have noticed him if he hadn't been wearing his LA style, "I'm a celebrity please don't recognize me" cap, that makes celebrities so much more conspicuous. Call it, "Madonna's Toupee"? No, that just sucks. There should be a Sniglet for these caps. Where's Rich Hall when we need him? Oh yeah, he's mainly in England successfully working a whole new exciting comedic persona.

Anywho, as I was just cooing o'er the new plantings and handicapped accessible picnic tables; I spotted PSH when he further pulled down his no-clever-name-as-of-yet cap. He pulled the cap down more when my sweaty ass* got within 20 feet. If you pull the pulling the cap down further trick, and you haven't slept with the person who is approaching, you are either:

1. A surly teenage girl in high-priced workout wear.
2. Someone in a discount FBI witness protection program.
3. A celebrity.

So here's to Philip Seymour Hoffman. The sighting would've been worth more if I hadn't spotted him en cap a few years ago at a goodly local hang.

In other celebrity news, the other night as we ate meat salads, my man spotted Julia Louis-Dreyfus walking down 7th avenue. I didn't recognize her because she wasn't wearing a "don't notice me" cap. If it was her she's mega short, with quite healthy looking hair.

Though normally my burning question would be how she avoided frizz, I was dying to ask JLD what's on the mind of every comedian: Why on earth is your former show mate hawking KFC?

But even if she had been at the next table also downing a meat salad, I never would've bothered her. If I don't respect a celebrity, I leave them alone. And if I do respect a celebrity, I run away twice as fast.****

* My ass is not usually sweaty, but I had actually been jogging. My ass at rest can be merely moist, but usually only on a humid day.**

** Perhaps the whole reason for this entry is to let the world know I have recently partaken in a massive bout of aerobic activity.***

***In the previous sentence, massive = "Hey, I wore my jog bra and bopped down to the educational stack of oyster shells and again hefted myself in a jogging type movement all the way back."

****Here I convenienty forget the time I introduced myself to Mel Brooks when we were both waiting outside of Joe Allen's or actually asked Milton Berle to autograph his 1974 Haskell Frankel book backstage after his set on Comic Relief. I was shaking both times, knew how utterly lame it was to be annoying them, but couldn't help myself. It's bizarre even for me to put them together, but it should be said they were both amazingly kind to this shaking four bit comedian nerd. And if you've read this far, my guess is that you are a SFBCN too. Welcome.


Thursday, June 05, 2003

I'm Away

Drinking Beaujolais.

Today's excitement was seeing a Sacagawea-sized top soil colored frog, a fuzzy caterpillar with a white racing stripe and what I think is called a yellow swallowtail butterfly on a maple sapling.

See? I've got nothing I need to say.

I'm so chill.

I'm Away.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

They Like Me? They Really Might Possibly Sort of Kind of Like Me?

Just learned I was nominated for an award!*

Up for best host of a comedy or variety thingy!

An award I didn't know existed!

The Emerging Comics of New York Awards

And people are voting for me (maybe)!

And people aren't voting for me (certainly)!

All of my loyal readers can vote for me now!

Yeah, all four of you!


*I found out about this gala through comedian pals who were also nominated but didn't know about it. Still I am truly honored, especially since my over 6 year run ended in March. Also happy as someone who knows me well obviously didn't nominate me as they got the name of my show wrong. But since I'm not looking nor expecting to win, I'm not sending an e-mail about this to anyone... other than my mom. Honest.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Ode to Oyako Don
or
Japanese Lunch (not so) Special
by Susie

To myself, I says,
"Try something new!"

"Loo ah ee icture," the harried waiter begs,
hoping to narrow choices a few...

"Oooh yes," thinks I, "how nice!"
I happily point to the neatly sliced,
white meat with veg
over rice!

I whisk back to the office on my little legs,
Only to find dark chicken meat
with plenty organs,
atop scrambled eggs!

And even including fairy tale lore,
not one vegetable is one
I have ever seen before.

Am I unworldly or just plain dense?
Or is detection impossible,
when vitamins are food-colored
into florescence?

OK fine, thinks I,
not wanting to seem effete...
But there's no sauce so why
is it all terribly sticky and SWEET!

So, fair reader,
I did not tuck.
For I could not down,
my Egg Foo Yuck.

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Changing Sides

Lately I had been getting down on religion, thinking it caused more trouble in the world than it was worth.

But today I have seen the light. I am filled with love in my heart for all the world's faiths.

Amen.


Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Felber's Frolics est Mort
1/97-3/03


or

They Didn't Know They were Writing a Eulogy

Felber's Frolics, my comedy variety show in midtown Manhattan, ran for over 6 years. My brother came along a bit later to join in and he made the show...oh, what's the word I'm looking for? None. He made the show.

As some know, I had to end it and it is no more. I could never tell you how special it was for it would be tacky and terribly biased. But the ever-changing cavalcade tourists, the regulars, and yes, the celebrities who watched and stayed until the wee hours knew how special the show was. And I don't mean special as in retarded. We had a killer comedy show in midtown, in a bar, that was free and there were always new acts and the old acts got better and more successful and it didn't have that bad comedy show stink and... see? I'm biased.

Someday I'll tell these stories and tell them right. For now, wanted to share a letter. This is from one of those excellent tourists we'd get. The kind of people who'd read about our show or just find it by accident and they soon became regulars and newly found long-lost friends... at least on the rare occasions they were in town. The cool, smart tourists who came back were the people who showed me more than any review could, that I was doing something right.

These particular people found me through an internet search and so this arrived in an e-mail account I check very infrequently. It came in mid March, almost exactly when the show was singing its last. It was cool because it reminded me that the whole Frolics thing wasn't a dream. Thanks y'all.

***

Hey, Susie!

Just wanted to let you know that one night a year or so ago, on one of our weekends in NYC, we sought out Ye Olde Tripple Inn because it sounded like Felber's Frolics would be a hoot. From the minute we walked in the door, we were hooked. We snagged a table in the back and fell in love --first with you--then Adam--then the whole experience. That night you happened to be auctioning off a jacket from the touring company of Starlight Express (or something equally as stellar) in order to raise money for paying off the huge phone,bill left behind by a roommate from hell. No matter that we saw Madonna on the 30 row at MSG or got Producer tickets for $30-- or stumped the band on David Letterman, YOTI and the Felbers were all we could talk about all the way home and when we got home.

Since that time, each time we come to NYC we try to add a different experience, but we always return to the scene of the crime. Most recently we were in town for Valentine's weekend and ended up staying a couple extra days because of Mother Nature's cruel joke. But thank God, we had been to the Inn on Saturday night; this time the two blonde kids from Tennessee bravely seating ourselves right up front, making ourselves at home, sucking back suds and laughing right in your face. You are a goddess to us both and it is entirely our pleasure to pay homage to you each time we visit. Really just wanted to drop you a line and do what you so often say while hosting the comic antics -
--Let her know....

Todd and Mary Ellen Murphy


p.s. Guess my socks!



***
Note: If this seems totally egotistical of me, know that my show wasn't a "bringer" and I certainly didn't do it for the money or the glory or fame or... OK, look people, this is my blog, of course it's totally egotistical.

Less Important Note: The Tripple show jacket auction raised about 40 bucks? The phone bill auction money did not go to me, it was a surprise for and went to actress and friend Eris Migliorini, whose old roommate skipped out on the bill. This would be merely crappy if it wasn't for the fact that she knew Eris is a semi-starving actress and the roommate is a very successful actress. Though they remained friendly and in touch and very successful actress oft mentioned the phone bill she was remiss in paying, but she has to this day never ponied up the money owed.

The jacket was given to me by aforementioned roommate and was a Fiddler on the Roof touring jacket emblazoned with her name. This is important for you to know because no matter how much I love my friends, you'd have to pry a Starlight Express jacket out of my cold, dead hands.

Least Important Note: Although I give big ups to Adam, I must say that my other occasional freelance sidekicks, "Peggy's" Steve Rosenthal and Rob Paravonian also made the show excellent. The few sidekicks I got in desperation off the subway and in the shelters made the show too... but usually only made it dang odd.

Thursday, March 20, 2003

I've Been Remiss

This is not about my lack of posting lately, toots.

I never promised you an update garden.

No, I've been remiss for not recommending to my loyal no readers, the site of a brilliant, nice, almost annoyingly well-rounded comedian.

Laurie Kilmartin shares her poolspertise, her historic headshots and her weekly trials and successes. And unlike you and me, pussy blog people, she's been doing it since most people thought broadband was an engagement ring for fat chicks.

Note to self: make appointment to get analogies brought in for servicing.

Laurie is a working comedian and has it together. Speaking of rare, she's currently writing for TV and how the screw rare is a woman comedy writer? Quite rare. Every comedy show I know of in NY has a none to one rule. OK, of course it's not a rule. There are lots of reasons for the lack of women. The reasons won't be gone into here and before you peg me as a bitter psycho feminist (I am only one or two of those things) the reasons don't necessarily reflect badly on the shows. It just is.

Back to Laurie.

She's done lots of TV, but she's not household-name famous. Still, more than most anyone, she's someone I look up to. She's got the talent, but she also consistently works dang hard. She gots the looks, but she also works out darn hard. I hope someday she sneezes on me so I can catch some more of that action.

Check her out.


Wednesday, March 05, 2003

The Fault, Dear Brutus, Is HERS

As you didn't know, I got another astrology gig. This one is for a fabulous glossy called Women Who Rock Magazine.

My first column is coming to a newsstand near you, March 11th.

They asked for "edgy", they got "edgy."

But here's the cool part... when they got it, they didn't puss out and ask me to tone it down.

Score!

Pick up a copy at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Tower, Target, Virgin, WalMart, etc.. Etc. includes where I found it, at that coffee chicken wrap dessert place with the amorous foreign cashier on 8th ave. between 57th and 58th.

You'll find the magazine has quality content, you'll support the Felber, and most importantly you'll find out if Saturn's orbit has totally screwed you.
I Da Jury

I knew it. As of tomorrow I'm on the jury. Oi squared, baby.

No! I can not talk about the case (I think?)! Don't push me to! It would be wrong! So no, I can't reveal the nitty gritty detai...

Huh? What? You don't care? But you know nothing about it! Sure this case is not likely to make the papers. Well by "not likely", I mean it won't but it's an interesting civil case at least from the point of view of...

Huh? Where ya going? Hey! Come back! THERE'S AN AMUSING ANECDOTE ABOUT THE WWII NURSE WHO'S ON THE JURY!

Rats.

Whateve. I have my nights and it's not a criminal trial so it should be quick and all I need is someone to walk my pooch.

Any takers? Seriously, my Stan is a babe magnet.

With Stan on your lead, and spring on the wing, you're sure to pick up more than poo. Seriously my Stan is...

Huh? Where ya going? Hey! Come back! I HAVE A CUTE DOG ANECDOTE ABOUT UH,

Oh, ferget it.


PS This blog template is hideous. It must be stopped. Give me a decade or two and I'll have this fixed up pretty.



Sunday, March 02, 2003

Reporting for Jury Duty, Tomorrow 8:30am...
Five reasons I think I will be picked to serve:

My KKK outfit is at the cleaners.

Medical exemption doesn't cover "a case of the frizzies."

Lacking pesky Secret Service detail.

"Primary caregiver" excuse probably won't fly when applied to orchid.

I smell great.

Saturday, March 01, 2003

Felber's Frolics
Every Saturday @ 10:30 PM
Ye Old Tripple Inn
West 54th Street Between Broadway & 8th Ave.
NY, NY
212-245-9849
FREE, no minimum

Here's the line up for tonight in no order:

Ben Morrison: Boston Baked, also preparing for some Caroline's thingamajig
Jane Campell: lovely, talented, bonded & insured
Becky Donahue: From Comedy Central, B3 & co-founder, editor, Girlcomic.net
Bob Powers: Also writes for NY Press. Feel the burn, don't forget to breathe.
Bryan Tucker: Comedy Central & current writer for Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. Former writer MadTV, Chris Rock show.
Chris Regan: Writer, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Props to Comedian Larry Miller
or
No One Other Than Me Will Give a Crap About This.

Thanks to the Ali G lead in, I caught Larry on a re-run of the new Bill Maher thingamahoobie last night.

Maher's new HBO show is called Real Time. "Real Time" is a good name and an even better idea than their working title, "Politically Incorrect with Cursing Allowed also Attempts to be The Daily Show with a reconditioned Dennis Miller Live Set." Whatever. It's brand new. Shouldn't and can't judge yet.

There was a panel of three guests plus Bill. Politically Incorrect had four guests plus Bill.

This stands to reason as back when Maher created PI, he was a comedian and host, not a political pundit.

[insert 1 pissed cat noise here]

As I was not saying and to make a short story not long...

Larry impressed me. When he could get a word in edgewise, he was intelligent, strong, yet never resorted to cheap attention getting tactics. If aliens dropped in from another planet (a planet that also liked to watch premium cable channels after a few glasses of wine) and you asked them who the comedian on that panel was, betcha Larry would be their last choice. And aliens have superior intelligence, as we all know, so go know.

For Miller was neither loud nor zany. When he was giving his views on Iraq, I turned to my man and said, "That's really brave for a guy in Hollywood." I've noticed people in entertainment are either dead against any action towards Iraq or they are dead silent for fear they will be labelled Bush-lovers (me?), war-mongers (what?!) and the like. Sure enough, a few minutes later Miller made a joke saying something to the effect of, "I'd say more, but the people speaking out against the war are making the movies I want to be in."

If you don't know Larry, you know Larry but you just don't know it. He's been in and voiced a bazillion different things. Had he a website, I'd link to it, but I couldn't find one. But thanks to searching around today, I found he also writes really interesting articles for The Standard.

I know, "interesting" is such a flaccid word. Do I agree with him? Totally disagree with him? Neither one?

Well this ain't a political blog. In a pathetic little venue like this here thingamayab, I just can't get it up to spew my opinions on any one of the world's manifold horrors. There are so many people dying to tell you what they believe on their blogs and I delight in the fact that they do.

I'm not one of them. OK? Can we still be friends?

But check this: share a glass of grog with me and maybe a plate of wings. Then if you're very unlucky, between bawdy banter I'll bore your socks off with what I think.

No this is about the fact that I've always respected Larry as a comedian -- especially as a comedian who turned his talent into a diverse and long-lived career. Right on. And so herein are my props to Larry Miller for taking chances and showing off more of them there fancy multi-facets.

Hey, I warned ya you wouldn't be interested.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

My Mom

Her latest book came out yesterday. If you don't buy one, I'll hold my breath until I turn blue. Or not, depending on which annoys you more.

But seriously my mom's a really fabulous writer of amazing historical romances and I'm not just saying that because I still feel guilty for giving her a varicose vein or two. Oh yeah, haven't you heard? Both my older brothers left her veins pristine. But me? I'm the one who made them go all kablooey. Or Ka-blue-y as the case may be... as the case is... anywho...

Here are some FAQ about my mother's novels:

1. Are they dirty?

Do you find love dirty?

2. No, you know, are they dirty?

No! They are well-written, literate -- they aren't "inch by inch" novels.

3. Yeah right.

Hey, that's not even a question!

4. Whatever. Your mommy writes smut.

Shut up! Her books are not smut! Not smutty at all! Hey, have you ever actually read a romance novel?

5. What? Like a Harlequin?

My mom doesn't write Harlequins. Hers are different, but fine, yes. Like a Harlequin? Ever read one?

6. Excuse me while I get a smirky and sniffy look on my face?

If you must.

7. Me? Read a Romance novel?

Yeah, you.

8. No way! I read real literature! I read what the NY Times tells me to! Or I read historical adventures that are really thinly-veiled romances but they're marketed to men so my intelligence doesn't feel threatened!

Your intelligence?

9. Actually so my penis doesn't feel threatened.

I thought so.

10. Did you know I usually buy books just to look cool reading them?

You mean just to have them displayed on your coffee table, right?

11. Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

12. Listen, to be honest I fear that if I'm caught reading a romance, my manhood might shrivel up and fall off...

Actually, if you read her, you might learn something in that area.

13. Ah HA! So she DOES write dirty books! I knew it!!!

sigh.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Lazy Blogger Technique #27: The Link

Brody Stevens

Fabulous comedian, friend (at least last time he was on the right coast), and a guy who has been close enough to smell many of my fave baseball players. Instead of smelling them, he entertains them, gives them friendship... or so he says.

I think Brody is also doing warm-up for Jimmy Kimmel Live, these days. If I'm wrong about this Brody, return the unused portion of this blog for a full refund.

Something about the layout of Brody's site makes him look like a total lunatic.

He's not.

He's a stark raving lunatic.

Ah but he's the taste sensation sweeping the nation.

And he's a nice boy. So go. Just the pictures alone are worth the price of admission.

Correction: I learned Brody is mostly doing warm-up for a sports show on FOX, but sometimes pinch hits for Kimmel. Actually, not a correction, as no misinformation was conveyed in the first. But Sweet Juno! Imagine if I got this warm-up comic info wrong! We'd all be goners!

Friday, February 14, 2003

Stray Pride!

My Stan has just won a national photo contest from a left coast outfit called Dog Remedy. Even more impressive than the photo is the way he set up the tripod and got the exposure just right. Still, some of the credit must go to my mother, who told Stan numerous times, "No, bad dog! Put down the 400 asa!"

So check it out. Supposedly 150 bucks of dog goodies are on the way. Boxes of kibble? Mink dog coat? Or just a pair of Marc Jacobs shoes for me so I look good enough to walk such a glam dog?* Stay tuned for all the late-breaking developments!

*Actually, the Marc Jacobs shoes I have coveted cost as much as a computer. But I would never look a gift dog box in the mouth. Probably because it doesn't have one.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

My Ed (yes I own him) is an ed. for a major newspaper. He is not in showbiz. He does not crave the spotlight.
Thank Thor for that.

Ah but here... here he is starring in his very first feature film. Go and crank up the volume. This secret link was written and brought to you by Bob and the letter M.*

*Actually the letter M had nothing to do with it, but is always trying to take credit for stuff it hasn't even come to rehersals for.**

**Wha?
It's Fashion Week in New York City!

But with the current threat level upped, it's kind of scary.
I mean, does this terror alert go with my eyes?

Ba dum BUM!
I'm a riot.
Back to work.

*Interesting how the fashion people chose the same pre-fab blog template as me, i'nit?
This means that I am either a very cutting edge fashionista
or
they also know jack about designing pages.



Monday, February 10, 2003

Amazingly Compact Reviews
if you find a shorter review anywhere, return the unused portion for a full refund.

GOOD

Rufus Sewell

George Elliot's Middlemarch

Spooning

BAD

Too much street salt and dog's paws.

Not returning Middlemarch to library on time.

Kevin Costner*

*It must be noted I disliked Costner way before Waterworld, The Postman and even pre-Madonna's classic retching gesture.





Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Last Comic Standing -- update-a-roo!

Hope yet...found out Eddie Pepitone, my pal and boy comedy genius, was selected as one of the final 10 from NYC. Now he and 9 others face off against the 10 west coasters to see who's LCS.

And ah... no other news, really. Going in a mo to do a quick spot at the Duplex. Venerable mainly gay bar down the street, but everyone is made welcome there, even Stan. Love the crowd (when there is one) and Poppi Kramer, your host and bartender, works her magic and overcomes the early hour of 7PM to make it a good time Wednesday show. 2 for 1 drinks don't hurt either...

What I'm saying is they help... but you, gentle blog reader, knew that, didn't ya? Ya.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Monologue Challenge.

My way of forcing myself to write topical material, the likes of which you'd find an audience yelping and yipping for on a late night show, but groaning at in any other medium. Note the outrageous barbs of hilarity and multiple cheap punch lines on a topic.* :

Critics of Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair are calling him "America's Poodle." He got this name of course, because of his support for President Bush. But his ability to balance a ball on his nose didn't’ hurt.

Critics of Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair are calling him "America's Poodle." Poodle breeders are angered by this stereotype. One said, « Not all poodles promise to devote military resources to a unpopular and sketchy war. If brought up properly, the poodle will heed UN recommendations. »

The World Health Organization has warned that terrorist groups could try to contaminate food supplies. The idea of tampering with food on American soil came recently when terrorists saw it would be more cost effective than their previous method, namely, giving Americans free trips to Mexico.

Study released this week said about 1.5 million people die each year due to diarrhea-related illnesses caught from eating contaminated food. Yeah, true. Taco Bell could not be reached for comment.

The World Health Organization has warned that terrorist groups could try to contaminate food supplies. Steps are being taken to guard against truly dangerous foodstuff. One official said, « What we fear is the formula for McDonald’s Extra Value Meal to falling into the wrong hands. »

Actor Peter O’Toole is rejecting an honorary Oscar. Yeah, Peter has never won an Oscar despite seven nominations but he said he’s « still in the game and might win the lovely bugger outright". Academy Awards ceremony producer Gil Cates was quoted as saying it’s « awfully silly » of Peter not to accept the award. The honorary Oscar used to go by another, longer name. It was called « The-best-actor-most-likely-to-die-this-year-and-make-us-feel-guilty-we-didn’t-give-him-one-before » award.

This year we celebrate the Year of the Goat. With this gentle Sign guiding most of our 2003, the Chinese say we can expect a time of harmony, tranquility and understanding. The Goat encourages us to be more easygoing and and for the next year, we'll pledge to live our lives in a quiet, peaceful manner. To this President Bush responded, « Yeah, right! »

Thousands of Mexican farmers are protesting saying the North American Free Trade Agreement or (Nafta) has led to a flood of cheaper imports from the United States and Canada. The farmers have already warned that unless their demands are met, they will step up their actions by blocking ports and border crossings with the US. This would be dire news for the US and Canada. One US farmer said, « If I can’t get a fresh supply of Mexican labor, I’ll never be able to compete with Mexico. »

Thousands of Mexican farmers are protesting saying the North American Free Trade Agreement or (Nafta) has led to a flood of cheaper imports from the United States and Canada. The farmers have already warned that unless their demands are met, they will step up their actions by blocking ports and border crossings with the US. The INS and US border patrol agents, currently strapped because of budget cuts said, « OH NO! Please don’t block the borders so that no one can get through! »

*Please don't be afraid... I mercifully only did 3 of these last night, during monologue challenge. Also, the whole Mexican bashing theme is just a co-inky-dink. I heart Mexicans. Seriously, if you're Mexican my door is always open. Mexicans and I have a symbiotic relationship much like the shark and the remora fish. I am really pushing this too far, no? Yes.

Saturday, February 01, 2003

Last night's Gershwin Hotel show was hopping... my octopus material, hatched over Korean BBQ went swimmingly. I would venture to say no comedian has ever done such brilliant octopus material after Korean BBQ -- ever. Man I adore Korean food. The kim chee brings me back to happy childhood memories of eating the insanely spicy pickled cabagge at my best friend Yuh Suhn's house. But wow, Korean joints have cornered the market on condiments of excitement! Plus, how can you not love asking about what a sidedish is and getting the response, "Like a snail."

I said, "Like a snail?"

The waiter said, "Yeah. Like a snail. But not snail. Like a snail. Seafood... Like a snail."

I ended up not trying the like a snail and I almost regret it.

But tonight is no time for lingering in the past over Korean-meals-gone-by! No! Tonight is the big shoe...

Felber's Frolics
Every Saturday @ 10:30 PM
Ye Old Tripple Inn
West 54th Street Between Broadway & 8th Ave.
NY, NY
212-245-9849
FREE, no minimum

Here's the line up:

The music of Bob Powers
The slapstick of Debbie Shea
Andre DuBouchet and his magic lantern show
Ben Morrison and his trained satin dancing birds
and...
as always, a performer who is new to me. Ye Old Tripple virgin: William Lewis Wexler.

with the wonderful sidekickery of my more talented brother, Adam Felber. And the hilarity and drama of Monologue Challenge.

Join us, wont you?

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Felber Tonight! Catch me at:

"Hump Night"
11PM
Chelsea Playhouse
125 W22nd street
FREE

This is a fantastic stand-up show hosted by Sean Conroy and Eddie Pepitone. Formerlly at UCB theater, now at their temporary digs down the street. Here's a review of Hump Night on Citysearch.

Yesterday the New York Times had an article about the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater.

The article was about the fantastic work that has happened there and the sad story of losing their permanent home.

Glad they got the press, wish for their speedy success in finding a new home, but I can't help but be peeved once again that the Times doesn't cover comedy. They almost don't have a right to talk about the great shows that have been there, because they'd never review them. Bah. Feh. And in conclusion, Harumph.