Friday, December 30, 2005

Wonderfelber

My regular readers may have seen this snap when I posted it in November, but here it is, ever more appropriately, on the new Wonder Woman blog.

Does one need a Wonder Woman blog? The lovely and talented Jen Dzuira explains her desire to create this new blog right here. I am all for niche blogs, whether or not a new pair of undies inspired them. For example, many know I am a fan of (and sometime contributor to) the cupcake blog.

That is why, I have decided to start...

the WONDER WOMAN CUPCAKE BLOG!

Click here to preview the awesomeness of what will be fodder for my first entry.

Yup, get ready, because when we launch in the New Year, the Wonder Woman Cupcake Blog will rock your body with daily entries that reveal the ever-changing, multi-faceted, dynamic world that is created when Wonder Woman and cupcakes intersect.

Send tips to tips@wonderwomancupcakeblog.org

UPDATE: People, please stop sending me pictures of Spiderman Cupcakes! I only accept things like Wonder Woman Cupcakes or pictures of people as Wonder Woman eating cupcakes or vintage Wonder Woman comics with a cupcake on top (lots of great ones of those, keep 'em coming!) or a tasteful headstone engraved with Wonder Woman's lasso of truth encircling a cupcake. You get the idea...

Sorry kid, go away, you bother me.

Photo cred: http://coolest-birthday-cakes.com

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Baby got back. Baby is back. Baby back ribs?*

I was on vacation. Here is a picture:

"You went skiing? How thrilling!"

Yes, t'was.
I managed to avoid the transit strike and the strike at Tremblant.
I love saying "t'was" as it makes me feel all classy and shit.
Writing "shit" is NOT classy. But I couldn't bring myself to write "sh*t" as that is pussy.
I'd rather be not classy than a total wussy. See? I couldn't write "pussy" twice, as I thought that was too vulgar for a classy dame like me. Also, I love the word "classy" because there's nothing classy about it and if call someone classy, it is a sure sign you aint.

Anywho, here's the latest Felber 411, I shan't deny ye any longer!

1. While I was away, an article came out about mommy and me by Dawn Eden. You can read it here. Dawn found me after I gots me some Gawker linkage of some sort. Although my goal was publicity such as this for me mum, I did not contact her. She's really nice and she did a great job. Some have pointed out to me that she's a bit right wing. Well G-d if he exists which I seriously doubt bless her. I mean that sincerely. Being right wing in NYC is about as easy as being a salmon who swims upstream to spawn while studying to be a stenographer. Hell, in my own family I'm considered a right wing nutter because I'm a liberal who gets hives hanging around most liberals and I don't find things like a photoshopped Bush holding a book upside down funny.

2. I was tagged for a book meme. I've never been tagged for a meme before. You never forget your first. But, I'm taking a rain check for I think it's far more important that my tens of tens of readers get to know the cool chick who tagged me. 'Cause you should. Go visit the blog of Margaret Evans Porter. She's an author of many books, she shares excellent photos from her lakeside base in New Hampshire and she's got bats in her belfry. Well, actually they're in her bathtub. Big brown fuzzy bats with fangs! It is bat-tastic. If you don't click here you are insane!

I first met MEP long ago when she had published her first book. I was struck by how young she was, how beautiful she was (like a heroine straight out of a Regency novel) and how such a true lady seemed to take a genuine shine to the whole scrappy Long Island Felber clan back when my bros and I were in the seriously awkward and most-likely annoying phase. In any case, visit and open your circle to include a kick-ass woman who can bust a bat rhyme and show you the miracle that is BONEHENGE! Nope, I'm not linking to her bonehenge post. It is a mysterious occult phenom in NH and, like true enlightenment, one must find it for one's self.

3. I've got to bolt to the dentist soon. My FSA runneth over. and if you don't know what an FSA is, I envy you.


*My blog post-titling brain is still on vacation.

PS I didn't say the picture was of me. But that really is how I dress on the ski slopes. I love the garish 80's ski wear and I rock it while all the cool kids wear their earthtones. Question: When there's an avalanche, Thor forbid, who's going to be found first? You in your "ice" colored Eddie Bauer jacket with subtle "moss" accents? Or me in my hot pink puffy jacket, floro tights and neon yellow headband? Take a wild guess buck-o!

NOTE: I have a screen comedy I would like to sell that was inspired by 80's ski gear and culture. Come on, wouldn't you like to see Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler in a slapstick buddy flick with a Will Ferrel-wearing-80's-ski-gear cameo? Of course you would. High powered agent -- call me! All incredibly lucrative offers considered!

Photo cred: http://www.sunvalleycentral.com/index.php


Saturday, December 24, 2005

ME, TONIGHT @ 8PM
Nice Jewish Girls x-mas eve
http://nicejewishgirlsgonebad.com

NICE JEWISH GIRLS GONE BAD-XMAS EVE IS HERE AGAIN

Saturday, December 24th
@ 8pm and 10pm (Susie in 8PM show only)
Cutting Room
19 W. 24th St.
212-691-1900
$15 in advance
www.inticketing.com
$20 at the door
Also there is a HeBrew Beer Happy Hour from 7-8pm, first 20 people to order HeBrew Beer gets a free pint glass.

This 3rd Annual Extravaganza, includes a refreshing mix of comedy, music, burlesque (nudie girls) and variety from NYC. This holiday season we celebrates the beeyatches who could careless about messing up their manicure and more about getting trashed off the Manschewitz. Bring your beshert, grandma and the atheist who lives down the hall for the hippest hoedown ever, like retro night in the Catskills.

All your favorite yids will be in the house, including comedians Rachel
Feinstein(Comedy Central), Rena Zager (Comedy Central, Al Franken) and
Susie Felber (Comedy Central, Conan, Court TV), singer/songwriters
Michelle Citrin and Athena Reich, the magical burlesque of the Schlep
Sisters (Darlinda Just Darlinda and Minnie Tonka) and Dottie Lux and
many more, hosted by the Ringleader, yours truly, The Goddess Perlman
in a whole slew of new brand new outfits to inspire your holiday
threads. Is it a Robot or a Giant Dreidal? Creative Genius or Too much
time on my hands? You be the judge. Also on hand will be our very
special J-girl band (Tracy Stark on keys and Eve Sicular on drums)
playing the schmaltziest schmaltz this side of the Hudson.

Get your gelt together and come see the broads who thrill everyone but their mother in a campy night of laughs, music, games and prizes.
8PM SHOW
Rena Zager
Susie Felber
Athena Reich
Schlep Sisters (Darlinda and Minnie Tonka)
Tracy Stark
Eve Sicular

10PM SHOW
Rachel Feinstein
(Possibly Jessica Kirson)
Dottie Lux
Michelle Citrin
Schlep Sisters (Darlinda and Minnie Tonka)
Tracy Stark
Eve Sicular

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Gone Skiing!

OK, not yet, but soon...
Susie Felber Ski age 10
Here I am in the 80's, honing my downhill skills in a grassy field behind a Massachusetts Holiday Inn. For reals.

I'm leaving soon enough though, for a freeze-yer-balls-off holiday at Tremblant with my man and our great friends Angie & Steve. So. Psyched. No time to brag about it now... and anyways, nobody is jealous of me going to Canada in December but me. Yes, I am jealous of myself.

Eat it, me!

But some news: In case I can't post while on the slopes, be on the lookout for an article about mommy and me in this Sunday's New York Daily News. The columnist appeared out of the blue Sunday night -- she found me. I swear I didn't pitch the story idea, even though getting this kind of publicity was my dream. Anywho, it should be coming out this weekend, and to me, this is even cooler than putting a glacier down your shorts. If you want to read it, the column should magically appear here, starting this Sunday. If it doesn't come out you'll all think I'm a liar. And I'll be skiing but surely I'll feel your harsh stares north of the border.

Now, I want to leave you with my sincerest holiday wishes...
standeer2
My Wonderpooch Stan, 12/05. A "Stan" can be acquired here.

"May you have happiness, joy and the ability to resist the urge to dress up your dog in the New Year!"

Love,
Susie

UPDATE 12/17: We learned on Friday night Tremblant was going on a 24-hour strike, but only thanks to my man checking the website for snow conditions. Although they seemed to think it was no problem, we got nervous about this lasting longer than 24 hours and thankfully we got a refund before driving 10 hours and spending our hard-earned bucks. We arranged a totally different, and even cheaper holiday at Killington on the fly late on Friday night and we're leaving tomorrow -- Sunday. Now the news is that Tremblant is on an unlimited strike. The workers are taunting people who get on the gondola. Meaning if we had gone, our holiday would've been ruined... and I do not take well to taunting, especdially while wearing my lame-o ski gear. Apparently 1500 workers walked out, so everything from housekeeping to grooming to BARS (!) to snowplowing is compromised.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

We really need to talk about last night...

Indeed, we should 'cause it was the famed WYSIWYG talent show!

As always, there was a lot of talent and a lot of show.

After talking about how I flash my Jew-cred, I read two pieces. The first hee-larious story about holiday trauma I had recently submitted for something else, so I can't really post it here. The other one, titled "The Cantor with the Golden Throat" well, it was awright, but to be honest I just don't think it's strong enough to post -- yet. But even if it was in shape (it's not) truth is I don't blog about personal stuff here. I don't mean it's "personal" as in terribly juicy. It's not at all. It's just that's it's not of the genre of stuff I put on my blog.

If you haven't noticed, this blog is all about, a whole lotta nothing. And I don't really want to break the streak I've got going.

Many thanks to the lovely and talented Chris Hampton, Andy Horwitz and Dan Rhatigan for, once again, making it such a great experience.

Smoochies,

Susie

PS At the last WYSIWYG talent show I did in July, an audience member took a photo of me that wasn't flattering. In fact, that photo made me look like a bloated rhino with Downs. The problem was two fold...

1: when I Googled myself (ladies you really should learn how to do this for yourselves), this hideous photo came up.

2: I would've asked this stranger to take it down, but he said really nice things about how wonderful and hilarious my WYSIWYG piece was, so I felt guilty/torn.

And so, ever since the last WYSIWYG talent show, I've been secretly trying to do damage control. First, I went into flickr and named all the flattering photos I had of myself "Susie Felber". But I found those two photos could not usurp the awesome power the hideous photo seemed to have. So, to be perfectly honest, ever since the WYSIWYG summer show I've been naming all kinds of photos "Susie Felber" even if they are of say, gas tanks or alley cats, men's undies or outdoor puppet shows.

For instance, here's a recent photo of "Susie Felber":
SusieFelber Susie Felber
Wow that Susie Felber is HOT! Photo credit: www.tabletools.com

And still, even with all this, the photo is down but not out. Did this guy blow Google? I think so.

PPS No, I'm not going to link to the hideous frizzy Rhino photo. Are you kidding me?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

ME, TONIGHT
sumthin_jewy_promo
I'll be doing an original thingamahoob at this fabulous show.*

Only $7!
All details can be found on www.wysiwygtalentshow.org

*Yesterday I said "reading" but today I say "doing." What up with that?

Monday, December 12, 2005

ME, TOMORROW
sumthin_jewy_promo
I'll be reading an original thingamahoob at this fabulous show.

All details can be found on www.wysiwygtalentshow.org
HOW TO BLACKMAIL YOUR BROTHER

Adam me
This embarrassing pic of us at the lake house rental in Tanglewood is nothing compared to what I hold in my possession...

Dear Adam,

As you know, thanks to my raiding our mom's photo albums, I have obtained a picture of you from the 70's in which you are wearing a full-on velour Star Trek outfit in a non-Halloween environment.

I posted the above picture so you to know that this is not an idle threat. I have a scanner and I am prepared to use it.

If I do not get a large amount of cash from you, in unmarked bills, I will post it, or sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure a wealthy NPR fan would love an Adam Felber Star Trek photo as a holiday gift...

The clock is ticking buck-o.

Sincerely,

MOO HA HA HA!

Your evil sister,

MOO HA HA HA!

Susie

MWHOO ha ha ha! MOO HA HA HA! MOOOOO HA HA HA!

PS MOO HA HA HA!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Ye Olde Tripple Inn is Closing Forever -- TONIGHT

Here's the Page Six item.

Ye olde wrecking ball, ye know not what ye take...

Liza had her first legal drink at the Tripple. Freddie Prinze started hosting and doing comedy there when he was 16. The Beatles hid out there before their Ed Sullivan appearance. Larry David started there (and then came back with HBO and chickened out and ran before he was supposed to do my show). Rita Rudner & Jeffrey Ross did comedy for the first time there. But really everyone performed there... I couldn't even begin to list all the names. Heck Chairman and CEO of Home Box Office Chris Albrecht and Bob Zmuda performed there. From a google cache I found this:

ALBRECHT: It got 'em rockin'. We, actually, were probably the only act to ever get thrown off stage at the Tripple Inn for obscenity, or as it's called, 'Ye Olde Tripple Inn'.

HIGGINS: Ye Olde Tripple Inn, yes. Oh, I've been there. They don't have comedy there anymore.

ALBRECHT: They don't? Well, there's a reason for it.
(cache here)

But more importantly, for 6 years I produced and hosted a show there. Lewis Black was nice enough to do my first ever Tripple show in 1997. What the Zmuda generation doesn't know is that so many of the young comics who did that little booked show of mine from 1997-2003 (and died a thousand deaths on that little bar stage) are currently Emmy-Award winning TV writers, mega-successful performers and incredible comedians who have gotten better with each year. More importantly, they are my friends. And they always understood that doing a show like the Tripple was better than whoring themselves out to bringer shows at comedy clubs.

Originally the Tripple was slated to close July 1st. So at the end of June I had a huge comedy blowout. I then posted this fabulous original Tripple Elegy that was written and performed by M. Sweeney Lawless. It's so wonderful. So I'm posting it again.

Elegy for Ye Olde Tripple Inn

Followers of my blog know Ye Olde Tripple Inn is being sold to make way for luxury condos. The following was written for and performed on 6/28/05 at my last-ever Tripple Inn comedy show. by the immensley talented (and widely-published) M. Sweeney Lawless.

28 June 2005
Elegy for “Felber’s Frolics” and Ye Olde Tripple Inn
263 West 54th Street New York, New York 10014

by M. Sweeney Lawless

Come, o yellow backhoe

Dig deep the gully along which shall run
The bathwater of bankers
And what becomes of a three-star Michelin dinner.
Here were a thousand comics launched.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Paxton’s Crystal Palace, Ebbets Field,Live on in endless tribute.
But what will become of the hallowed memory of the place
Where once Liza Minelli and the Beatles and Freddie Prinze
All came – not at the same time, of course – and the drink prices were not unreasonable?
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Arise, o infants of professionals, and howl
Vomit and get out of school
The reek of flop sweat gives way to waft of microwave pizza.
The rows of celebrity photos rolled over by Sherman Williams;
I only hope the construction crews are union.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Seek, o denizens of New Jersey and Long Island!
Seek, ye folk of Queens, Brooklyn, and the Bronx!
Wander up and down, swear it was here that time you came to the City with your cousin.
Curse the Google search that told you we would still be here.
Damn the Internet, where advice never dies.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Yankees games on the big screen will give way
To the Yankees games on roughly 40 big screens -- flat screens with High Definition.
But when the men in pinstripes ever score a run,
There will be no back-slapping or clinking of glasses;
Nay, 20 women and 20 men will raise a Lite beer and nod, each in their own blue light.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Let us all meet here in one year’s time to see the empty lot.
In two years’ time we’ll come to watch the flick, flick, flick of all those TV sets.
Ten years from tonight, let us meet outside the condo at midnight, and before the doorman calls the police who used to come here to throw darts,
We will bow our heads and observe a moment of silence
Marred only by the thought of 40 pairs of Yuppies quietly humping.
(Ye Olde Tripple Inn is dead. Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Link to her original posting of this here.

Note: M. or Meg, performed at my 2nd-ever show at the Tripple, in January of 1997. The more I read this, the more I love it.

*The Tripple is closing to the public after tonight. Tomorrow they are having a party for friends and then they are auctioning off everything in the joint on Monday.

UPDATE: At lunchtime I went by there for one last burger and learned there's is a website dedicated to the Tripple's demise, put up by a loyal regular. It's called the "Tripple Inn Refugee Internet Portal" or T.R.I.P. for short.

UPDATE 2: For posterity, here's an article about Kid Rock doing my show at the Tripple, just before anyone knew who Kid Rock was. Limp Bizcit was also there and the Atlantic Records musicans were way nicer than this piece lets on. As for all the celebs who came to my show mostly by accident, (other than Penn of Penn & Teller fame, back when I was a sucky comic and a sucky saw player) I am too tired to mention them. Sure, we had celebrities a plenty at that little divey bar, but mainly, I loved the regulars and the tourists and the tourists who were semi-regulars. Our mixed up audience, who happened to wander in to a totally wonderful crazy scene. If you qualify as one of those, I can truly say I adore you.

Update 3: HOW in the world did I miss this gem? Christian Slater Tripple Inn drama from July '05.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

How one woman, a camera phone and a cold night in Williamsburg made me fall in love with my own legs all over again...
susieafterschooldec5
"Susie wore these amazing legwarmers"

Photo and caption by comedian/model/writer/producer/blogger/entrepreneur Jennifer Dziuria of www.jenisfamous.com

Legwarmers by my friend and neighbor Isabelle who, before moving to Florida, gave me her entire stash of awesome never-worn 80's winter gear.

Note: If you can't tell, the warmers are being worn over faux pink snakeskin boots which are quite sexy and somewhat surprisingly, made by Aerosoles.

Note 2: Adding the word "faux" when describing any pink reptile is probably unnecessary, right?

Update: OK, I admit I only did this post in the first place because my legwarmers suffered an unprovoked attack last night when, upon returning from a hard day at work, my man made it very clear to me that he did not like my legwarmers one bit.

So today I sent him this post with the subject line, "Well someone likes my legwarmers."

OK, to be honest, Jen didn't say she liked my leg-cessories. She just called them "amazing." Perhaps she meant it in the way one would say, "Hitler killed an amazing number of Jews." Or "The legwarmers were just one amazing example of her crashingly bad taste."

In any case, he responded to my email about someone -- anyone -- liking my legwarmers with a link to this photo:

puttee
Photo credit: http://www.gijoeelite.com catalog

Mean! And how was he was able to find such a mean photo?


"I searched under "puttee". The British army used to wear them."

All I have to say is...
Good question, Mo.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

ME, NEXT TUESDAY.
sumthin_jewy_promo
I'll be reading a little sumptin' sumptin' at this show.

All details can be found on www.wysiwygtalentshow.org

Now, enjoy my goyishe pooch, posing for pics

standerbeast
Photo credit: me

...and freezing his bollocks off in the process.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Fake David Cross Update


Last night, after doing Jen's fantastic show in Williamsburg, I went to a West Village bar I hadn't been to in years. And after I had all but forgotten about it; I think I finally found out who fake David Cross is.

It's rather sad.

According to the adorable bartender who's still adorably bartending after all these years, fake David Cross is "no longer welcome" in that bar.

But not because he's prone to being fake David Cross, but simply because now he's a total crazy alchie.

The bartender said the guy had a split personality; said he knew the guy was close to going totally "Skizz-oh." When he said this he illustrated the guy's "crazy" by putting his hands together as in a prayer and then slowly opening them up two thumbs width apart.

He said he was a great guy...half the time. Said he'd been fired from many magazines. New York, Elle and Us Weekly among them. I found it hard to believe. I said, "He told me he was a poet. How do you know this high-powered magazine life of his wasn't just a Zima-fueled fantasy?" He said he was sure. He had even visited him in his office at Elle (How many bartenders show up at your office? And how come cute bartender had never come to my office?).

In any case, I guess psycho magaziners are the new black. And yes I now know fake Cross' name, and what he worked as, but out of respect to the pickled imposter, I'm not going to post it.
But the bartender thinks it's amazing that people mistake him for David Cross (even though he'd seen it happen many times) or care about this dude pretending to be David Cross to score a drink. "What kind of story is that?" he said. "Who cares?"

I thought adorable bartender had a point. Probably because I didn't want to look uncool in his eyes.

So we went back to talking about what we'd talk about in the old days: bird watching. I bragged about the black crowned night heron I saw on 3rd ave. He was amazed. "But is there water there?" Yup, I said, a big ass fountain. We discussed what's going down in midtown bird habitats, the proliferation of hawks in the 'hattan, and then he came at me with a rare northern owl he had spied hiding in a tree uptown. I was jealous. Amazed. After all this time, his bird nerding still trumped mine.

But, you know, the fake David Cross thing...is not without parallel in the bird world. I'm serious. The cuckoo is known for an amazing ability to lay an egg that mimics that of other birds. And then the baby cuckoo will be brought up by clueless birds who will feed and nuture the enormous faker in their nest. The cuckoo, like fake David Cross, is an imposter and a parasite that has the ability to remain undetected by most. But instead of free drinks and sex, the cuckoo scores grubs. And as the cuckoo just happens to be a buzzword for crazy... oh, it's too good.

In any event, from here on in, I resolve to only stalk, identify and bore people about wildlife, not celebrity imposters. Amen.

UPDATE: WTF? I just did a google search on this guy's name... IS IT POSSIBLE A RADAR DUDE IS FAKE DAVID CROSS? Holy crows.

UPDATE 2: I removed the photo I posted of possible fake David Cross out of respect for possible fake David Cross.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Show! Monday! Me!

And others too... I'm performing in Williamsburg this coming Monday at Jen's comedy spectacular:

Monday, December 5th
The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including show & tell, free candy, and Mad Libs. Bring an item for show & tell, or just come watch and have fun. Hosted by Jenisfamous.com
7:30PM
FREE


Come on down!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Untitled #467

How To Kick People was a hot show last night, in both senses of the word.

Here was my intro for Bob.

"I am going to present two truths and one lie about Bob Powers. I not only know which statement is false, but I know the reason why..."

And here are the two truths and one lie Bob Powers sent us. I will read them so you can judge for yourself and then I'll give my expert lie-busting analysis.

1. Bob Powers played the male lead in his middle school's production
of the musical "Plain and Fancy."

2. When he was eight, Bob Powers sent Linville Orchards, a
Pennsylvania Pumpkin Patch, into a brief moment of "Lockdown" when it
was thought that he was missing. It took only a few panicked minutes
to discover that he was hiding in the hayloft.

3. Bob Powers broke his foot while skateboarding at age 23.

I’ll cut to the chase... the skateboard thing is true. Obviously. It makes him look cool. The orchard thing? Trickier. The rich detail makes it ripe to gain your vote for truth, yet as Bob fancies himself as something of a writer one can picture him stroking himself to climax as he concocted this elaborate bit of personal diamonique. So by the power of deduction vested in me, I say that Bob starring in Plain & Fancy is a lie. Also, I know that when Bob’s middle school was performing Plain and Fancy, Bob was in traveling around France, performing the cello opon a faux fur stage (how appropriate for that lying twat) as one-armed musical freak. I even have a picture...


powersplain
Ye Olde Bob Powers

Note on above: Turned out the pumpkin story was Bob's true lie. Rats! I was so close!

Note to self: don't rush so much, don't bail on the new piece, especially when it's going decently.

PS Handy tip for people how have had a little too much pinot grigio after reading at a show on 15th street and don't want to wait for the bus. Steer clear of Apple Bank, they charge huge ATM fees. First time I've gone to a bank that charges more than my local bodega. $2.50!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My mom is funnier than your mom.

Check the email that just landed on me from my mom:

From: (mom)
To: (me)
Cc: (
a nice romance author friend of hers)
Date: Nov 29, 2005 9:55 AM
Subject: well, if this writing career gets too troublesome...

one door closes, another opens, eh, mate?

Yahoo news from Australia...

And all you get from your mom is virus hoaxes.
Plus the occasional cute-kitty-in-a-pint-glass forwards...

Well luckily, I get those from her plus stuff like the above.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Bat Mitzvah arms race continues...
or
How to make that Ashanti Bat Mitzvah look like dog food.

More EXCLUSIVE 411 on the fancy pants Rainbow Room Bat Mitzvah my brother worked on Thanksgiving...

It was for the daughter of David H. Brooks. There's a Daily News bit about it here from the beginning of November:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/363087p-309201c.html

Here's the scoop on who actually performed:
The Eagles
50 Cent
Aerosmith
Nelly
(word was this was last minute)

...and more, but he didn't recall the others.

People were leaving/had left when Aerosmith was on, because it was 3:30AM. Most people didn't see Aerosmith; my brother got to see a bit before breakdown. Rumor had it that Brooks issued death threats if the performers didn't show up.

My brother Mike worked 3 virtually back-to-back shifts on Thanksgiving:

At first he was told they would make $40/hour. So he got some friends to work it with him. But the agency said the client didn't come through. Said the client (Brooks) was being very difficult.* In the end they received $20/hour. He worked one 10 hour shift, one 13½ hour shift, and then an 18 hour shift for the breakdown. He also did 3 hours of unpaid work on top of this because the woman who was hiring them was in a bind. He earned time and a half -- 30 dollars -- when the shift went over 10 hours.

They did not provide food or breaks for food, save one time they all received $10 to eat and one hour. Some workers scrounged in the employee kitchen and found rice and a few other things like canned soup. My brother has an odd habit of always carrying food in his bag, so he was OK.**

The work he did was setting up and breaking down. Some of it, most of it, was very physically demanding. Putting up and taking down heavy rigging for the acts and dealing with the Chihuly thingys. But as my brother's well-earned nickname is Jew Ferrigno, this was no problem.

I, on behalf of my brother, was outraged by how little they were paid and how badly they were treated. My brother admitted the lack of food was not cool, but he wasn't kvetching beyond that. He said he enjoyed "the camaraderie." Oh, but after the 3:30 shift, the workers were allowed to eat the leftovers.

Incidentally, my brother Mike is also a Long Island boy. His own Bar Mitzvah featured ace entertainment: Dominick Esposito's band (Dominick being the husband of my father's secretary), and me singing a showstopper from Annie.

*When describing the money they would not be making, they explained to the workers that Brooks was trying to "Jew them down."

**The habit isn't odd, but what he carries is. My brother has very little money and lifts weights. Hence cheap-ass protein often = mackerel. When he's rocking the mackerel in his bag, and we're going out to visit mom, I won't let him in my car.

Update: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go, coincidentally, to a photo shoot for Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad at the Y. I never mind donning the fishnets and paint to do a shoot, but tonight I'm distracted as I am completely freaking out about reading at HTKP -- all 'cause I saw Time Out use the word "literary" to hawk it. Oi! Oy!

Update II (Tuesday 11/29/05): Lloyd Grove finally picked up the story after Gawker broke it yesterday, causing my sitemeter to go through the roof (I have so few readers compared to the Gawks I don't call my post "breaking" the story). Of course, Lloyd made no mention of the workers being stiffed. And of course, whatever Stever Tyler or 50 Cent got paid doesn't rankle me. I mean, it may be a waste, and sure the orphans could use the millions more, but my brother is not an international superstar. And let's be honest...what have the orphans done for us lately? Squat.

However, if the reports of the giftbags are true (digital cameras and video iPods), that means every guest (over 200) made off with more booty for attending that party (a lotta 13-year-olds) then he made for working 44 and a half hours of back-breaking work. And no, my brother doesn't have health insurance*, and no, this was not, obviously, union work. But still, I'm the only one who's pissed. He's an incredibly nice guy, enjoys using his muscles and has the ability to enjoy the absurdity of it.

*Unless he finally fanagled some medical for being low income. I know he was working on it.

Update III: This is my brother Mike I'm talking about, not to be confused with my brother Adam of NPR fame.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thanksgiving Leftovers

1. On Thanksgiving, my brother Michael worked two 10 hour shifts to help set up and break down a Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room. Entertainment that was slated to appear: The Eagles, Aerosmith and 50 Cent. "Now you are a woman! A very privileged woman." I've got to call him to get the full 411.

2. My man has another article in the FT this weekend, this time about manners and Lynn Truss of Eats, Shoots and Leaves fame. Read it now right here before the subscription veil goes up. Or buy yourself a FT.com subscription. It's about 1/500000th of the price of a star-studded Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room.

3. I myself am spending the weekend in the country and am taking many a brisk bike ride. It's lovely, but I'm literally sweating cranberry bread.

OK, not literally. But close enough.

4. I'm doing a reading thingy at HTKP on Wednesday. Come on down.


Note: Turkey Enchiladas photo courtesy of Google image search and Uncle Bumpy.com

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

FAG HAG EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
This is not a test. I repeat. This is not a test...

karaokebarbie Sound the alarm!*

Comcast has Karaoke On Demand!

The indomitable CableFAX daily alerted me to the fact with this item:

Freebird!!! We knew Karaoke On Demand was popular in Comcast’s Philly system. But we were hoping it was just a fad that would wear off. No chance. After logging 1mln orders in the first 2 weeks (Cfax 11/08), Philly took in 2mln orders for the entire month. All without marketing.
Get on the stick Time Warner! You can call me bitch dog anytime. Just give me some of that hot KOD action!

Oh, I see, you’re trying.

But is Time Warner's offering gonna be 80 songs as stated above or a 15,000 song library?

Whatever. If all you offer is Total Eclipse of the Heart, 24/7, I’m there.

*Woot woot, beep beep, Ughhhh YEAH!

Monday, November 21, 2005

I attempt to dip my toes into Service Journalism.

This morning, thanks to Blogger.com's little subtle scrolling thingy that reveals recently updated blogs, I found this brand new blogger site :

How to write FUNNY IDEAS & make EASY MONEY!!!!! FREE Tips! FREE Advice!
FREE Secrets,Tips and Advice On how to come out with FUNNY IDEAS for Cartoons, Comic-Strips, Gags, TV-Sitcoms, Sketches, Greeting Cards, Speeches, Print Humor & Stand-ups. Just Search and CLICK!!


The blogger profile says the writer is in Malaysia. As a working comedian, I had to wonder, does Malaysia hold advanced comedy money-making technology?

While American comics scrape by, is Malaysia laughing all the way to the comedy bank?

To be honest, I had always thought of Malaysia as a sort of humorless place, what with their flair for comedy censorship and all.

But then I thought, what if these comedy money-making secrets are actually the mythical Malasian "Land of Gold" revealed? To refresh your memory on ancient Malasyian history, see below:

Hindu Kingdoms 100 BC - 1400 AD
Early writings from India speak of a place called Savarnadvipa -- the Land of Gold. This mystical, fantastically wealthly kingdom was said to lie in a far away and unknown land, and legend holds that it was on an odyessy in search of Savarnadvipa that the first Indians were lured to the Malay Peninsula.
-- history lifted from this site.

Was that what the early Indians were seeking? A sure-fire way to rake in bucks writing funny greeting cards and lucrative gags? Pre-morning coffee, it seems entirely plausible!

So, in pursuit of this possible pot of hilarity gold, I have requested an interview with this site's owner.

Details TK. That is, if details do indeed come.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I got something on the illustrious Black Table...

Go here & check out, WAXING OFF: WHEN THANK YOU TURNS TO FUCK YOU.

-- Noelle Hancock, Cathy Hannan, Susie Felber, Katie Seitz and Jen Hubley
11.17.05


And as my bit refers to a Wonder Woman fantasy, here's an extra special appropriate bonus pic of me, living the dream:
Hey Felber groupies! Stay tuned, 'cause if I remember and can be bothered, I might post the bigger, longer and waxier version of my Black Table story. Wow!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Last night's book party for Edith Layton a.k.a. mom. More photos and Snappy Captions TK.

mendel sara
Mendel! Sara!

Rob plus
Rob! Kambri! Andres!

RoseJul
Rose! Julian!

diane sharon
Diane! Sharon!

GardnerRichard
Gardner! Scottish guy! Richard!

gypsy cake
Cake!

Greene Floyd
Floyd! Lori! Chase!

Felbrkbknutmo
A Felber! Knutsen! RKB! Mo!

Books
Books!

Avon friends
Mom 'n Avon!

Bob Amanda
Bob & Amanda!

gypsy family
Wow, Jew Ferrigno showed up!

Susie gold

Monday, November 14, 2005

Book party for Mom -- TONIGHT!

Yup, tonight's the night. After more than two decades, and 30 published novels, my mom is having her second-ever book party. This time in Manhattan, and this time not at her house so she doesn't have to make the Sanka. And yeah, she's worried it'll make her look like an egomaniac. I mean, two book parties in 21 years? Girl, PLEASE! Anywho, blame me, this was all my big idea.

I made a cool-ass slideshow for the party. Scanned like a fiend. Here's a wee preview of some stuff that made me happy.
EdithPLay
Mom wins a play prize & the attention of two dudes drinking out of coffee cups.

Mom75
Mommy & me enjoying a smoke.

maine75write
Mom when she was a journalist & aspiring novelist. Note her patented two cups of wine writing technique.

And finally, enjoy an embarrassing pic of my brother...
Adam Felber 75
Hey mateys! It's NPAAARRRRH's Adam Felber!

Private to Adam: Better be nice to me... 'cause I have recently obtained a picture of you lounging in a velour Star Trek chemise, and I am prepared to use it.

Private PS to Adam: MOO HA HA HA!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Scanner, what hath thou wroth!

Finally, I can share my art with the world...

Subwaycomixs1
By me, created on the D

Saturday, November 12, 2005

PARTY!

I just got a scanner! Scanner! I love you scanner! MmmmmWAH!

But I'm going to a little party right now, so I can't play with it all night.

Speaking of parties, here's a pic of one of my parties:
PARTY!
Older boys?! Barefoot around-the-hat dancing?! CRAZY!

I am 8 years old in this pic.

That's my best friend Yuh Suhn dancing the wild fandango.

And yes, every kid who came to my annual Halloween party got a big sharp steak knife to carve their own pumpkin and matches to light them. Supervision Schmupervision!

I am so ready to scan anything and everything, up to and including my dog's ass. It's a good thing I have plans tonight.

Friday, November 11, 2005

See Me Feel Me Touch Me Heal Me*

Last night at RKB's party:

Completely candid photo by Brian of 485i.com

And tonight performing in Hut Tub with Kurt Braunohler & Kristen Schaal:

TONIGHT Friday, at 9:30 pm
The Peoples Improv Theater
154 W. 29th Street, 2nd Fl (between 6th and 7th aves)
New York, NY 10001
212-563-7488
Buy tix online tix
here

From their site...
Who's in the Hot Tub this week?
Patrick Borelli (Conan, Comedy Central's Premium Blend) will rock you gently.
Susie Felber (MTV2, Conan, US Weekly's Fashion Police) will frolic for you.
Sue Galloway and Julie Klausner (SNL, Conan) will let you be free to be you and me.
Matt Oberg will impress you with his flower pressing skills.


*Offer to touch me, feel me and heal me may expire without notice.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

About Last Night

Headlined at Morisson Motel. Good Times. Although the site is pretty, it hasn't been updated since December 2004. But as I happened to be on that particular show, I don't really mind.

Bought some Latina Spirit hair conditioner, to ya know, foil some marketing person's plans. Let them think they've cracked the Latin market and recoil in horror when they find it's just me -- little ol' Susie sans salsa.

Got home, slipped into something a little more comfortable and put Neosporin on my dog. Caliente!

PS I'm doing a show Friday. Check it out in my glorious sidebar calendar thingy. Or just go here: http://www.hottubvariety.com/

Monday, November 07, 2005

Enjoy Paris Hilton's one facial expression and a bouncing panda game that makes me wish I was unemployed.

Just a little entertainment to see you through until you can come see me perform LIVE tonight at Lolita Bar. All the details can be found by scrolling down, looking at the calendar on my sidebar or going here.

Sincerely hoping it does not burn when you pee,

Susie

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm in a show tonight at Laugh Lounge. I just heard we have 130 reservations.

Cool beans.

Oh, and yeah, the David Cross impersonator thang is totally true. But, I don't think he seals the deal with chicks as often as he sucks down the free drinks from duped bartenders and frat boys.

10-4 good buddies.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dog Cat Radio dot com

Yeah, I'm listening. So's my pooch.


Picture by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

Read all about it.

The DJ just said, "No, we're not freaks..."

I say:
If playing 80's hits for pets is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Monday, October 31, 2005



Thanks Rich for saving my blog with this important, timely and sheeptastic gif.*

*Seriously people, I got nothing... except some fabulous upcoming shows!

Full info below.
Oh and ya got to RSVP for the Kimmel showcase on Wednesday, so please do!

Below you’ll find info for a few of my upcoming comedy shows – five that I’ve handpicked for freshness. They range from my doing short sets to headlining to hosting -- to one where there’s an actual hot tub on the stage. Some shows are free -- others are cheap. And in all of them, you’ll see a variety of really talented comedians you may recognize from Tee Vee and movies.

Wednesday, November 2nd

"The Jimmy Kimmel Live! Audition Showcase"
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St
RESERVATIONS: 212-614-2500
(Please say you are coming to see Susie Felber)
8:00pm - doors8:30pm - showtime
$5.00 cover, two-drink minimum

With:YOUR MC: Craig Baldo ("Premium Blend," Montreal Comedy Festival)FEATURING:* Josh Comers (Comedy Central's Laff Riots)* Dan Cronin ("Premium Blend," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien")* Chris DeLuca (writer for "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," VH1's "Best Week Ever")* Andres DuBouchet (Backstage's "10 Stand Out Stand Ups Worth Watching," Time Out NY's "Best Comedian in NYC")* Ritch Duncan (writer, "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," editor Jest magazine)* Ophira Eisenberg ("Premium Blend," her own half hour special in Canada)* Susie Felber (MTV2, Conan sketch player, US Weekly’s Fashion Police)* Todd Levin ("Premium Blend")* Liam McEneaney ("Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever")* Rob Paravonian (Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," touring headliner)* Victor Varnado ("Premium Blend," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash")AND HEADLINER Tom Shillue, from "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and a "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special

The following is a FREE show at a cool bar and features a great lineup:

Monday, Nov 7
Name: “Tell Your Friends” Comedy show

Location: Lolita Bar, Downstairs
Address: 266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
City/State: New York, NY
Subway: Take the F train to Delancey St.
Price: FREE

Start: 8:00 PM

WITH YOUR MC - Susie Felber

FEATURING: * Brian Kiley, a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has done stand-up on "Late Night" and "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno"* Damion Sammarco, the former co-host/producer of The Tuesday Night Train Wreck (which ran for 7 years) * Todd Hanson, a writer for The Onion * Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"* Andy Blitz, a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "Late Night" and "Late Friday" and "Premium Blend"* The Hazzards, a glockenspiel/ukelele-driven band who have appeared on Comedy Central's "Out on the Edge" hosted by Alan Cumming, and on Comedy Central's "The World Stands Up." Their video "Gay Boyfriend" was an Internet sensation, getting over one million downloads in its first three months live on the InterWeb. WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please." * The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.


I’ll be doing a longer set at this show…

Tuesday, November 8th
“Morrison Motel” a comedy show @ Cornelia Street Cafe
8:30 PM
Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West
4th. A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St.
(212) 989-9319 for reservations. 8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.


Larry Bailey hosts TBD, Jane Condon, Harry Terjanian,
Mike Cotayo, Lauren Rochelle, Tony Spin, John Morrison and Susie Felber.

Friday, November 11th
“Hot Tub” a wet comedy jubilee Hosted by Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler
9:30 p.m.
The PIT 154 W. 29th St. btw 6th and 7th Ave.
212-563-7488 for reservations

http://www.thepit-nyc.com/
http://www.hottubvariety.com/

What is Hot Tub? Hot Tub is the best variety show in the city, nominated for ECNY Best Variety Show in 2005 and featuring comedy, music, animal races, and yes, an actual hot tub.

Tuesday, Nov 15th
“Chicks & Giggles” a comedy show
Location: Mo PitkinsAddress: 34 Avenue ACity/State: New York, NYStart: 7:30 PMPrice: FREE

http://chicksandgiggles.blogspot.com/
http://www.mopitkins.com/MoPitkins_NEW/index.html

The above is an all-female FREE comedy revue, now at the smoking hot venue known as Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Put the pieces together:

My secret passion for Petit Fours...


My obsession with Monster/Frog Cupcakes...

The heart-pounding excitement of certain wedding cakes and black and white cookies.

All my life I chalked it up to a sweet tooth. But no. It's now perfectly clear. I love fondant.

And I don't care who knows it.

Developing...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Weekend Wrap-Up

Friday:
My man's latest article comes out. Go read it before the subscription veil goes up.
http://news.ft.com/cms/s/0fe4c96c-423a-11da-94c2-00000e2511c8.html

Saturday:
Robert Klein should get a shout out for his very funny bit about Larry King hawking an author's book during the Quill Book Awards on NBC. And I should get my head checked for watching the Quill Book Awards, for Klein was the one and only highlight. Unholiest Quill moments: Elmo doing a lengthy turn as a presenter and (a conspicuously absent) Rachel Ray winning over Harold McGee.

Sunday:
While walking my dog and trying to avoid the throngs of foreigners (Italians, Idohoians, Illinoisians) partaking in Magnolia Bakery madness, I met an adorable nerdy kid perched on the steps of his parent's fancy-ass brownstone. He quickly managed to sell me his self-generated map of "haunted Greenwich Village" for a buck. Then he tried to sell me a short story he had written, as he put it, "in the manner of Edgar Allen Poe" but I was out of cash.

Then the kid started to tell me about all the other things he had successfully hawked on his steps --
richierich
and now I think I understand how his parents can afford the mortgage on their sweet pad.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Inside the Felber Hair

When I tell people my hairdresser is a internationally-renowned, globe-trotting CFA cat show judge, they often don't believe me. Well thanks to Google, now I have proof.

waltercat
Walter works the cat thang.

I'm being completely serious here. That there is my hairdresser, Walter. I have known him for over two decades, beginning when I tagged along with my mom to a salon he worked at called Biba on Long Island. Because of cat-show judging, he now only works at a salon about once a month, but I, like most of his clients, now just come see him in his cat-filled apartment on Christopher street.

waltercat2
Hmmm, is this why Snoodles took the blue ribbon?

Walter's a hoot, an opera freak and we argue and laugh like we're related. Speaking of relations, Walter's mom escaped with him in her arms during Kristallnacht and she's still alive -- sharp as a tack, firmly in her 90's and nudging him multiple times a day from her place in Miami.

walterprance
Fun fact: Dog show judges don't get paid, but cat show judges do. Feel the burn dog show judges!

Walter has five or six exotic cats in his pad, so when you get your hair done it's like being inside a catquarium. The most affectionate cat has a sneezing great gobs of snot problem. He does it when he's in your lap, so it's like he's allergic to humans. But as I am allergic to the vibe of NYC salons (Eau de women's insecurity and salon 'tude freaks me out) going to Walter's pad and getting sneezed on is a pleasure.

walter5
Fun fact #2: Cat show judges get paid per cat. For reals. Walter says lifting up zillions of cats in a day is hard on the arms.

I'm partial to Walter's two Maine Coons, although last night I went and saw Ferris had a new haircut. Walter said the groomer messed up the "lion cut" whatever that is. The cat didn't look like a lion, it looked like he was wearing leg warmers.

waltercat3
I think this photo speaks for itself...

Walter was on an Animal Planet documentary special this year called Cat People. I thought he was great. For all his kvetching about how he looked "terrible" (no) and "sounded like Harvey Fierstein" (he didn't), I think he loved it.

One of the things I love about Walter is he's so vibrant. No, that isn't code for flamboyant. I mean, yes he's that too, but he's seriously bold. I guess the best example is that this summer he was pretty knocked up because he suffered a fall. But this wasn't some slip-and-fall in the bathtub people. He injured himself while he was enthusiastically surfing with his grandkids out in California.

But anyways, what about my hair?

I mean forget about the fact that I get my hair done while I enjoy a Chardonnay or a Vodka on the rocks he has poured for me while the opera blasts and the cats jump onto the upright piano (that's decorated with pastel puffy paint because Seventeen magazine did a spread and shoot at his place years ago) causing a mad impromtu concert as they prance across the keys...

How does my hair look when he's done?

Well, why not judge my hair for yourself:

felberhair
Ba dum BUM!

But seriously people, my hair is awesome. Y'all should know that. And now you know it's thanks to a cat show-judging dynamo named Walter.

And in case someone doesn't know my hair, or Walter himself reads this, I leave you with a pic of my fabulous Walter-ized hair...

Thanks Walter!