Friday, July 22, 2005

Studies Show Golf Shirts as Effective as Condoms

Looking for an effective method of birth control?

One that's safe, easy and non-systemic?

Look no further than golf shirts!

"Our family was growing way too fast. Then we tried golf shirts."

As a practicing Catholic, this man did not want to be identified. But he has used golf shirts as contraception for over a decade.

The Pope is, understandably, very much against golf shirts.

The following shirt is called "Blue Balls" because obviously, if you're wearing it, you're not gettin' any...

I did not make up the deliciously perfect title to this shirt. Buy it here.

Some golf shirts can multi-task. Here we see birth control and a convenient way to convey current terror alert levels in one breathable garment:

Scientists even tested golf shirts on the very sexy:
The control: a sexy sexy man in the sexiest golf shirt possible

They found that even among the incredibly sexy, golf shirts provided 99.9%* effective protection against getting laid. And because of this, unlike the pill, golf shirts also protect against sexually transmitted diseases.

Hurrah hurrah for these modern day chastity belts --


* Tiger Woods represents .1% of golf shirt users who may get action in spite of the hideous shirt. Scientists think women may be able to overlook the hideous shirt if the user has gobs and gobs of money. People with zillions of dollars are strongly urged to consult their physician and accountant before using golf shirts to prevent unwanted pregnancies.