Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Fake David Cross Update

Last night, after doing Jen's fantastic show in Williamsburg, I went to a West Village bar I hadn't been to in years. And after I had all but forgotten about it; I think I finally found out who fake David Cross is.

It's rather sad.

According to the adorable bartender who's still adorably bartending after all these years, fake David Cross is "no longer welcome" in that bar.

But not because he's prone to being fake David Cross, but simply because now he's a total crazy alchie.

The bartender said the guy had a split personality; said he knew the guy was close to going totally "Skizz-oh." When he said this he illustrated the guy's "crazy" by putting his hands together as in a prayer and then slowly opening them up two thumbs width apart.

He said he was a great guy...half the time. Said he'd been fired from many magazines. New York, Elle and Us Weekly among them. I found it hard to believe. I said, "He told me he was a poet. How do you know this high-powered magazine life of his wasn't just a Zima-fueled fantasy?" He said he was sure. He had even visited him in his office at Elle (How many bartenders show up at your office? And how come cute bartender had never come to my office?).

In any case, I guess psycho magaziners are the new black. And yes I now know fake Cross' name, and what he worked as, but out of respect to the pickled imposter, I'm not going to post it.
But the bartender thinks it's amazing that people mistake him for David Cross (even though he'd seen it happen many times) or care about this dude pretending to be David Cross to score a drink. "What kind of story is that?" he said. "Who cares?"

I thought adorable bartender had a point. Probably because I didn't want to look uncool in his eyes.

So we went back to talking about what we'd talk about in the old days: bird watching. I bragged about the black crowned night heron I saw on 3rd ave. He was amazed. "But is there water there?" Yup, I said, a big ass fountain. We discussed what's going down in midtown bird habitats, the proliferation of hawks in the 'hattan, and then he came at me with a rare northern owl he had spied hiding in a tree uptown. I was jealous. Amazed. After all this time, his bird nerding still trumped mine.

But, you know, the fake David Cross thing...is not without parallel in the bird world. I'm serious. The cuckoo is known for an amazing ability to lay an egg that mimics that of other birds. And then the baby cuckoo will be brought up by clueless birds who will feed and nuture the enormous faker in their nest. The cuckoo, like fake David Cross, is an imposter and a parasite that has the ability to remain undetected by most. But instead of free drinks and sex, the cuckoo scores grubs. And as the cuckoo just happens to be a buzzword for crazy... oh, it's too good.

In any event, from here on in, I resolve to only stalk, identify and bore people about wildlife, not celebrity imposters. Amen.

UPDATE: WTF? I just did a google search on this guy's name... IS IT POSSIBLE A RADAR DUDE IS FAKE DAVID CROSS? Holy crows.

UPDATE 2: I removed the photo I posted of possible fake David Cross out of respect for possible fake David Cross.