ME, TOMORROW

I'll be reading an original thingamahoob at this fabulous show.

All details can be found on www.wysiwygtalentshow.org

HOW TO BLACKMAIL YOUR BROTHER


This embarrassing pic of us at the lake house rental in Tanglewood is nothing compared to what I hold in my possession...

Dear Adam,

As you know, thanks to my raiding our mom's photo albums, I have obtained a picture of you from the 70's in which you are wearing a full-on velour Star Trek outfit in a non-Halloween environment.

I posted the above picture so you to know that this is not an idle threat. I have a scanner and I am prepared to use it.

If I do not get a large amount of cash from you, in unmarked bills, I will post it, or sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure a wealthy NPR fan would love an Adam Felber Star Trek photo as a holiday gift...

The clock is ticking buck-o.

Sincerely,

MOO HA HA HA!

Your evil sister,

MOO HA HA HA!

Susie

MWHOO ha ha ha! MOO HA HA HA! MOOOOO HA HA HA!

PS MOO HA HA HA!

Ye Olde Tripple Inn is Closing Forever -- TONIGHT

Here's the Page Six item.

Ye olde wrecking ball, ye know not what ye take...

Liza had her first legal drink at the Tripple. Freddie Prinze started hosting and doing comedy there when he was 16. The Beatles hid out there before their Ed Sullivan appearance. Larry David started there (and then came back with HBO and chickened out and ran before he was supposed to do my show). Rita Rudner & Jeffrey Ross did comedy for the first time there. But really everyone performed there... I couldn't even begin to list all the names. Heck Chairman and CEO of Home Box Office Chris Albrecht and Bob Zmuda performed there. From a google cache I found this:

ALBRECHT: It got 'em rockin'. We, actually, were probably the only act to ever get thrown off stage at the Tripple Inn for obscenity, or as it's called, 'Ye Olde Tripple Inn'.

HIGGINS: Ye Olde Tripple Inn, yes. Oh, I've been there. They don't have comedy there anymore.

ALBRECHT: They don't? Well, there's a reason for it.
(cache here)

But more importantly, for 6 years I produced and hosted a show there. Lewis Black was nice enough to do my first ever Tripple show in 1997. What the Zmuda generation doesn't know is that so many of the young comics who did that little booked show of mine from 1997-2003 (and died a thousand deaths on that little bar stage) are currently Emmy-Award winning TV writers, mega-successful performers and incredible comedians who have gotten better with each year. More importantly, they are my friends. And they always understood that doing a show like the Tripple was better than whoring themselves out to bringer shows at comedy clubs.

Originally the Tripple was slated to close July 1st. So at the end of June I had a huge comedy blowout. I then posted this fabulous original Tripple Elegy that was written and performed by M. Sweeney Lawless. It's so wonderful. So I'm posting it again.

Elegy for Ye Olde Tripple Inn

Followers of my blog know Ye Olde Tripple Inn is being sold to make way for luxury condos. The following was written for and performed on 6/28/05 at my last-ever Tripple Inn comedy show. by the immensley talented (and widely-published) M. Sweeney Lawless.

28 June 2005
Elegy for “Felber’s Frolics” and Ye Olde Tripple Inn
263 West 54th Street New York, New York 10014

by M. Sweeney Lawless

Come, o yellow backhoe
Dig deep the gully along which shall run
The bathwater of bankers
And what becomes of a three-star Michelin dinner.
Here were a thousand comics launched.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Paxton’s Crystal Palace, Ebbets Field,Live on in endless tribute.
But what will become of the hallowed memory of the place
Where once Liza Minelli and the Beatles and Freddie Prinze
All came – not at the same time, of course – and the drink prices were not unreasonable?
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Arise, o infants of professionals, and howl
Vomit and get out of school
The reek of flop sweat gives way to waft of microwave pizza.
The rows of celebrity photos rolled over by Sherman Williams;
I only hope the construction crews are union.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Seek, o denizens of New Jersey and Long Island!
Seek, ye folk of Queens, Brooklyn, and the Bronx!
Wander up and down, swear it was here that time you came to the City with your cousin.
Curse the Google search that told you we would still be here.
Damn the Internet, where advice never dies.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Yankees games on the big screen will give way
To the Yankees games on roughly 40 big screens -- flat screens with High Definition.
But when the men in pinstripes ever score a run,
There will be no back-slapping or clinking of glasses;
Nay, 20 women and 20 men will raise a Lite beer and nod, each in their own blue light.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Let us all meet here in one year’s time to see the empty lot.
In two years’ time we’ll come to watch the flick, flick, flick of all those TV sets.
Ten years from tonight, let us meet outside the condo at midnight, and before the doorman calls the police who used to come here to throw darts,
We will bow our heads and observe a moment of silence
Marred only by the thought of 40 pairs of Yuppies quietly humping.
(Ye Olde Tripple Inn is dead. Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)

Link to her original posting of this here.

Note: M. or Meg, performed at my 2nd-ever show at the Tripple, in January of 1997. The more I read this, the more I love it.

*The Tripple is closing to the public after tonight. Tomorrow they are having a party for friends and then they are auctioning off everything in the joint on Monday.

UPDATE: At lunchtime I went by there for one last burger and learned there's is a website dedicated to the Tripple's demise, put up by a loyal regular. It's called the "Tripple Inn Refugee Internet Portal" or T.R.I.P. for short.

UPDATE 2: For posterity, here's an article about Kid Rock doing my show at the Tripple, just before anyone knew who Kid Rock was. Limp Bizcit was also there and the Atlantic Records musicans were way nicer than this piece lets on. As for all the celebs who came to my show mostly by accident, (other than Penn of Penn & Teller fame, back when I was a sucky comic and a sucky saw player) I am too tired to mention them. Sure, we had celebrities a plenty at that little divey bar, but mainly, I loved the regulars and the tourists and the tourists who were semi-regulars. Our mixed up audience, who happened to wander in to a totally wonderful crazy scene. If you qualify as one of those, I can truly say I adore you.

Update 3: HOW in the world did I miss this gem? Christian Slater Tripple Inn drama from July '05.

How one woman, a camera phone and a cold night in Williamsburg made me fall in love with my own legs all over again...

"Susie wore these amazing legwarmers"

Photo and caption by comedian/model/writer/producer/blogger/entrepreneur Jennifer Dziuria of www.jenisfamous.com

Legwarmers by my friend and neighbor Isabelle who, before moving to Florida, gave me her entire stash of awesome never-worn 80's winter gear.

Note: If you can't tell, the warmers are being worn over faux pink snakeskin boots which are quite sexy and somewhat surprisingly, made by Aerosoles.

Note 2: Adding the word "faux" when describing any pink reptile is probably unnecessary, right?

Update: OK, I admit I only did this post in the first place because my legwarmers suffered an unprovoked attack last night when, upon returning from a hard day at work, my man made it very clear to me that he did not like my legwarmers one bit.

So today I sent him this post with the subject line, "Well someone likes my legwarmers."

OK, to be honest, Jen didn't say she liked my leg-cessories. She just called them "amazing." Perhaps she meant it in the way one would say, "Hitler killed an amazing number of Jews." Or "The legwarmers were just one amazing example of her crashingly bad taste."

In any case, he responded to my email about someone -- anyone -- liking my legwarmers with a link to this photo:


Photo credit: http://www.gijoeelite.com catalog

Mean! And how was he was able to find such a mean photo?

"I searched under "puttee". The British army used to wear them."

All I have to say is...
Good question, Mo.

ME, NEXT TUESDAY.

I'll be reading a little sumptin' sumptin' at this show.

All details can be found on www.wysiwygtalentshow.org

Now, enjoy my goyishe pooch, posing for pics


Photo credit: me

...and freezing his bollocks off in the process.

Fake David Cross Update

Last night, after doing Jen's fantastic show in Williamsburg, I went to a West Village bar I hadn't been to in years. And after I had all but forgotten about it; I think I finally found out who fake David Cross is.

It's rather sad.

According to the adorable bartender who's still adorably bartending after all these years, fake David Cross is "no longer welcome" in that bar.

But not because he's prone to being fake David Cross, but simply because now he's a total crazy alchie.

The bartender said the guy had a split personality; said he knew the guy was close to going totally "Skizz-oh." When he said this he illustrated the guy's "crazy" by putting his hands together as in a prayer and then slowly opening them up two thumbs width apart.

He said he was a great guy...half the time. Said he'd been fired from many magazines. New York, Elle and Us Weekly among them. I found it hard to believe. I said, "He told me he was a poet. How do you know this high-powered magazine life of his wasn't just a Zima-fueled fantasy?" He said he was sure. He had even visited him in his office at Elle (How many bartenders show up at your office? And how come cute bartender had never come to my office?).

In any case, I guess psycho magaziners are the new black. And yes I now know fake Cross' name, and what he worked as, but out of respect to the pickled imposter, I'm not going to post it.
But the bartender thinks it's amazing that people mistake him for David Cross (even though he'd seen it happen many times) or care about this dude pretending to be David Cross to score a drink. "What kind of story is that?" he said. "Who cares?"

I thought adorable bartender had a point. Probably because I didn't want to look uncool in his eyes.

So we went back to talking about what we'd talk about in the old days: bird watching. I bragged about the black crowned night heron I saw on 3rd ave. He was amazed. "But is there water there?" Yup, I said, a big ass fountain. We discussed what's going down in midtown bird habitats, the proliferation of hawks in the 'hattan, and then he came at me with a rare northern owl he had spied hiding in a tree uptown. I was jealous. Amazed. After all this time, his bird nerding still trumped mine.

But, you know, the fake David Cross thing...is not without parallel in the bird world. I'm serious. The cuckoo is known for an amazing ability to lay an egg that mimics that of other birds. And then the baby cuckoo will be brought up by clueless birds who will feed and nuture the enormous faker in their nest. The cuckoo, like fake David Cross, is an imposter and a parasite that has the ability to remain undetected by most. But instead of free drinks and sex, the cuckoo scores grubs. And as the cuckoo just happens to be a buzzword for crazy... oh, it's too good.

In any event, from here on in, I resolve to only stalk, identify and bore people about wildlife, not celebrity imposters. Amen.

UPDATE: WTF? I just did a google search on this guy's name... IS IT POSSIBLE A RADAR DUDE IS FAKE DAVID CROSS? Holy crows.

UPDATE 2: I removed the photo I posted of possible fake David Cross out of respect for possible fake David Cross.

Show! Monday! Me!

And others too... I'm performing in Williamsburg this coming Monday at Jen's comedy spectacular:

Monday, December 5th
The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including show & tell, free candy, and Mad Libs. Bring an item for show & tell, or just come watch and have fun. Hosted by Jenisfamous.com
7:30PM
FREE

Come on down!

Untitled #467

How To Kick People was a hot show last night, in both senses of the word.

Here was my intro for Bob.

"I am going to present two truths and one lie about Bob Powers. I not only know which statement is false, but I know the reason why..."

And here are the two truths and one lie Bob Powers sent us. I will read them so you can judge for yourself and then I'll give my expert lie-busting analysis.

1. Bob Powers played the male lead in his middle school's production
of the musical "Plain and Fancy."

2. When he was eight, Bob Powers sent Linville Orchards, a
Pennsylvania Pumpkin Patch, into a brief moment of "Lockdown" when it
was thought that he was missing. It took only a few panicked minutes
to discover that he was hiding in the hayloft.

3. Bob Powers broke his foot while skateboarding at age 23.

I’ll cut to the chase... the skateboard thing is true. Obviously. It makes him look cool. The orchard thing? Trickier. The rich detail makes it ripe to gain your vote for truth, yet as Bob fancies himself as something of a writer one can picture him stroking himself to climax as he concocted this elaborate bit of personal diamonique. So by the power of deduction vested in me, I say that Bob starring in Plain & Fancy is a lie. Also, I know that when Bob’s middle school was performing Plain and Fancy, Bob was in traveling around France, performing the cello opon a faux fur stage (how appropriate for that lying twat) as one-armed musical freak. I even have a picture...


Ye Olde Bob Powers

Note on above: Turned out the pumpkin story was Bob's true lie. Rats! I was so close!

Note to self: don't rush so much, don't bail on the new piece, especially when it's going decently.

PS Handy tip for people how have had a little too much pinot grigio after reading at a show on 15th street and don't want to wait for the bus. Steer clear of Apple Bank, they charge huge ATM fees. First time I've gone to a bank that charges more than my local bodega. $2.50!

My mom is funnier than your mom.

Check the email that just landed on me from my mom:

From: (mom)
To: (me)
Cc: (a nice romance author friend of hers)
Date: Nov 29, 2005 9:55 AM
Subject: well, if this writing career gets too troublesome...

one door closes, another opens, eh, mate?
Yahoo news from Australia...

And all you get from your mom is virus hoaxes.

Plus the occasional cute-kitty-in-a-pint-glass forwards...

Well luckily, I get those from her plus stuff like the above.

The Bat Mitzvah arms race continues...
or
How to make that Ashanti Bat Mitzvah look like dog food.

More EXCLUSIVE 411 on the fancy pants Rainbow Room Bat Mitzvah my brother worked on Thanksgiving...

It was for the daughter of David H. Brooks. There's a Daily News bit about it here from the beginning of November:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/363087p-309201c.html

Here's the scoop on who actually performed:
The Eagles
50 Cent
Aerosmith
Nelly (word was this was last minute)

...and more, but he didn't recall the others.

People were leaving/had left when Aerosmith was on, because it was 3:30AM. Most people didn't see Aerosmith; my brother got to see a bit before breakdown. Rumor had it that Brooks issued death threats if the performers didn't show up.

My brother Mike worked 3 virtually back-to-back shifts on Thanksgiving:

At first he was told they would make $40/hour. So he got some friends to work it with him. But the agency said the client didn't come through. Said the client (Brooks) was being very difficult.* In the end they received $20/hour. He worked one 10 hour shift, one 13½ hour shift, and then an 18 hour shift for the breakdown. He also did 3 hours of unpaid work on top of this because the woman who was hiring them was in a bind. He earned time and a half -- 30 dollars -- when the shift went over 10 hours.

They did not provide food or breaks for food, save one time they all received $10 to eat and one hour. Some workers scrounged in the employee kitchen and found rice and a few other things like canned soup. My brother has an odd habit of always carrying food in his bag, so he was OK.**

The work he did was setting up and breaking down. Some of it, most of it, was very physically demanding. Putting up and taking down heavy rigging for the acts and dealing with the Chihuly thingys. But as my brother's well-earned nickname is Jew Ferrigno, this was no problem.

I, on behalf of my brother, was outraged by how little they were paid and how badly they were treated. My brother admitted the lack of food was not cool, but he wasn't kvetching beyond that. He said he enjoyed "the camaraderie." Oh, but after the 3:30 shift, the workers were allowed to eat the leftovers.

Incidentally, my brother Mike is also a Long Island boy. His own Bar Mitzvah featured ace entertainment: Dominick Esposito's band (Dominick being the husband of my father's secretary), and me singing a showstopper from Annie.

*When describing the money they would not be making, they explained to the workers that Brooks was trying to "Jew them down."

**The habit isn't odd, but what he carries is. My brother has very little money and lifts weights. Hence cheap-ass protein often = mackerel. When he's rocking the mackerel in his bag, and we're going out to visit mom, I won't let him in my car.

Update: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go, coincidentally, to a photo shoot for Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad at the Y. I never mind donning the fishnets and paint to do a shoot, but tonight I'm distracted as I am completely freaking out about reading at HTKP -- all 'cause I saw Time Out use the word "literary" to hawk it. Oi! Oy!

Update II (Tuesday 11/29/05): Lloyd Grove finally picked up the story after Gawker broke it yesterday, causing my sitemeter to go through the roof (I have so few readers compared to the Gawks I don't call my post "breaking" the story). Of course, Lloyd made no mention of the workers being stiffed. And of course, whatever Stever Tyler or 50 Cent got paid doesn't rankle me. I mean, it may be a waste, and sure the orphans could use the millions more, but my brother is not an international superstar. And let's be honest...what have the orphans done for us lately? Squat.

However, if the reports of the giftbags are true (digital cameras and video iPods), that means every guest (over 200) made off with more booty for attending that party (a lotta 13-year-olds) then he made for working 44 and a half hours of back-breaking work. And no, my brother doesn't have health insurance*, and no, this was not, obviously, union work. But still, I'm the only one who's pissed. He's an incredibly nice guy, enjoys using his muscles and has the ability to enjoy the absurdity of it.

*Unless he finally fanagled some medical for being low income. I know he was working on it.

Update III: This is my brother Mike I'm talking about, not to be confused with my brother Adam of NPR fame.

Thanksgiving Leftovers

1. On Thanksgiving, my brother Michael worked two 10 hour shifts to help set up and break down a Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room. Entertainment that was slated to appear: The Eagles, Aerosmith and 50 Cent. "Now you are a woman! A very privileged woman." I've got to call him to get the full 411.

2. My man has another article in the FT this weekend, this time about manners and Lynn Truss of Eats, Shoots and Leaves fame. Read it now right here before the subscription veil goes up. Or buy yourself a FT.com subscription. It's about 1/500000th of the price of a star-studded Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room.

3. I myself am spending the weekend in the country and am taking many a brisk bike ride. It's lovely, but I'm literally sweating cranberry bread.

OK, not literally. But close enough.

4. I'm doing a reading thingy at HTKP on Wednesday. Come on down.


Note: Turkey Enchiladas photo courtesy of Google image search and Uncle Bumpy.com

FAG HAG EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
This is not a test. I repeat. This is not a test...

Sound the alarm!*

Comcast has Karaoke On Demand!

The indomitable CableFAX daily alerted me to the fact with this item:

Freebird!!! We knew Karaoke On Demand was popular in Comcast’s Philly system. But we were hoping it was just a fad that would wear off. No chance. After logging 1mln orders in the first 2 weeks (Cfax 11/08), Philly took in 2mln orders for the entire month. All without marketing.

Get on the stick Time Warner! You can call me bitch dog anytime. Just give me some of that hot KOD action!

Oh, I see, you’re trying.

But is Time Warner's offering gonna be 80 songs as stated above or a 15,000 song library?

Whatever. If all you offer is Total Eclipse of the Heart, 24/7, I’m there.

*Woot woot, beep beep, Ughhhh YEAH!

I attempt to dip my toes into Service Journalism.

This morning, thanks to Blogger.com's little subtle scrolling thingy that reveals recently updated blogs, I found this brand new blogger site :

How to write FUNNY IDEAS & make EASY MONEY!!!!! FREE Tips! FREE Advice!
FREE Secrets,Tips and Advice On how to come out with FUNNY IDEAS for Cartoons, Comic-Strips, Gags, TV-Sitcoms, Sketches, Greeting Cards, Speeches, Print Humor & Stand-ups. Just Search and CLICK!!

The blogger profile says the writer is in Malaysia. As a working comedian, I had to wonder, does Malaysia hold advanced comedy money-making technology?

While American comics scrape by, is Malaysia laughing all the way to the comedy bank?

To be honest, I had always thought of Malaysia as a sort of humorless place, what with their flair for comedy censorship and all.

But then I thought, what if these comedy money-making secrets are actually the mythical Malasian "Land of Gold" revealed? To refresh your memory on ancient Malasyian history, see below:

Hindu Kingdoms 100 BC - 1400 AD
Early writings from India speak of a place called Savarnadvipa -- the Land of Gold. This mystical, fantastically wealthly kingdom was said to lie in a far away and unknown land, and legend holds that it was on an odyessy in search of Savarnadvipa that the first Indians were lured to the Malay Peninsula. -- history lifted from this site.

Was that what the early Indians were seeking? A sure-fire way to rake in bucks writing funny greeting cards and lucrative gags? Pre-morning coffee, it seems entirely plausible!

So, in pursuit of this possible pot of hilarity gold, I have requested an interview with this site's owner.

Details TK. That is, if details do indeed come.

I got something on the illustrious Black Table...

Go here & check out, WAXING OFF: WHEN THANK YOU TURNS TO FUCK YOU.

-- Noelle Hancock, Cathy Hannan, Susie Felber, Katie Seitz and Jen Hubley
11.17.05

And as my bit refers to a Wonder Woman fantasy, here's an extra special appropriate bonus pic of me, living the dream:
Hey Felber groupies! Stay tuned, 'cause if I remember and can be bothered, I might post the bigger, longer and waxier version of my Black Table story. Wow!

Last night's book party for Edith Layton a.k.a. mom. More photos and Snappy Captions TK.


Mendel! Sara!


Rob! Kambri! Andres!


Rose! Julian!


Diane! Sharon!


Gardner! Scottish guy! Richard!


Cake!


Floyd! Lori! Chase!


A Felber! Knutsen! RKB! Mo!


Books!


Mom 'n Avon!


Bob & Amanda!


Wow, Jew Ferrigno showed up!

Book party for Mom -- TONIGHT!

Yup, tonight's the night. After more than two decades, and 30 published novels, my mom is having her second-ever book party. This time in Manhattan, and this time not at her house so she doesn't have to make the Sanka. And yeah, she's worried it'll make her look like an egomaniac. I mean, two book parties in 21 years? Girl, PLEASE! Anywho, blame me, this was all my big idea.

I made a cool-ass slideshow for the party. Scanned like a fiend. Here's a wee preview of some stuff that made me happy.

Mom wins a play prize & the attention of two dudes drinking out of coffee cups.


Mommy & me enjoying a smoke.


Mom when she was a journalist & aspiring novelist. Note her patented two cups of wine writing technique.

And finally, enjoy an embarrassing pic of my brother...

Hey mateys! It's NPAAARRRRH's Adam Felber!

Private to Adam: Better be nice to me... 'cause I have recently obtained a picture of you lounging in a velour Star Trek chemise, and I am prepared to use it.

Private PS to Adam: MOO HA HA HA!

Scanner, what hath thou wroth!

Finally, I can share my art with the world...


By me, created on the D