Monologue Challenge.
My way of forcing myself to write topical material, the likes of which you'd find an audience yelping and yipping for on a late night show, but groaning at in any other medium. Note the outrageous barbs of hilarity and multiple cheap punch lines on a topic.* :
Critics of Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair are calling him "America's Poodle." He got this name of course, because of his support for President Bush. But his ability to balance a ball on his nose didn't’ hurt.
Critics of Britain’s Prime Minister Tony Blair are calling him "America's Poodle." Poodle breeders are angered by this stereotype. One said, « Not all poodles promise to devote military resources to a unpopular and sketchy war. If brought up properly, the poodle will heed UN recommendations. »
The World Health Organization has warned that terrorist groups could try to contaminate food supplies. The idea of tampering with food on American soil came recently when terrorists saw it would be more cost effective than their previous method, namely, giving Americans free trips to Mexico.
Study released this week said about 1.5 million people die each year due to diarrhea-related illnesses caught from eating contaminated food. Yeah, true. Taco Bell could not be reached for comment.
The World Health Organization has warned that terrorist groups could try to contaminate food supplies. Steps are being taken to guard against truly dangerous foodstuff. One official said, « What we fear is the formula for McDonald’s Extra Value Meal to falling into the wrong hands. »
Actor Peter O’Toole is rejecting an honorary Oscar. Yeah, Peter has never won an Oscar despite seven nominations but he said he’s « still in the game and might win the lovely bugger outright". Academy Awards ceremony producer Gil Cates was quoted as saying it’s « awfully silly » of Peter not to accept the award. The honorary Oscar used to go by another, longer name. It was called « The-best-actor-most-likely-to-die-this-year-and-make-us-feel-guilty-we-didn’t-give-him-one-before » award.
This year we celebrate the Year of the Goat. With this gentle Sign guiding most of our 2003, the Chinese say we can expect a time of harmony, tranquility and understanding. The Goat encourages us to be more easygoing and and for the next year, we'll pledge to live our lives in a quiet, peaceful manner. To this President Bush responded, « Yeah, right! »
Thousands of Mexican farmers are protesting saying the North American Free Trade Agreement or (Nafta) has led to a flood of cheaper imports from the United States and Canada. The farmers have already warned that unless their demands are met, they will step up their actions by blocking ports and border crossings with the US. This would be dire news for the US and Canada. One US farmer said, « If I can’t get a fresh supply of Mexican labor, I’ll never be able to compete with Mexico. »
Thousands of Mexican farmers are protesting saying the North American Free Trade Agreement or (Nafta) has led to a flood of cheaper imports from the United States and Canada. The farmers have already warned that unless their demands are met, they will step up their actions by blocking ports and border crossings with the US. The INS and US border patrol agents, currently strapped because of budget cuts said, « OH NO! Please don’t block the borders so that no one can get through! »
*Please don't be afraid... I mercifully only did 3 of these last night, during monologue challenge. Also, the whole Mexican bashing theme is just a co-inky-dink. I heart Mexicans. Seriously, if you're Mexican my door is always open. Mexicans and I have a symbiotic relationship much like the shark and the remora fish. I am really pushing this too far, no? Yes.
