Monday, May 23, 2005

An Open Letter to Food & Wine Magazine

Dear Food & Wine Magazine,

Your recent article on kitchen garden goddess, Seen Lipart, disturbed me.

If she is a goddess, why would she need her "parterre shaped by laser"?

I would think that as a goddess, she could harness the power of Zeus. I mean, even a demigod should have the ability to trim hedges, no?

There were other things that seem to not jibe with her being a goddess:

She lives in Greenwich, Connecticut -- not on Mount Olympus!

Her vast powers seem to stem not from a divine birth, but from an advantageous 2nd marriage to a former president and CEO of a global commercial satellite company.

But then again, maybe she IS a goddess. Check this:

"Her vegetables were picked only an hour ago, a hundred yards from the table, but their journey began last winter, when Lippert combed through seed catalogs, tracking down heirloom varieties, like French Breakfast radishes, for her gardens."

Wow. She ordered seeds. From many different catalogs... Now I feel bad that I took her for a stinking filthy rich blonde second wife who had her 9 acre estate LANDSCAPED DESIGNED AND MAINTAINED WITH A FREAKIN' LASER.

But maybe I'm just not a fan of fawning profiles of goddesses. Maybe I'm crazy-ass jealous? Maybe I'm scared that when the revolution comes, they're going to take her type down first?

In any event, please cancel my subscription.

Oh, I don't have a subscription?

Then, I dunno... have a nice day!


Your Pal,


PS I liked that the photo with your feature "Chefs Gone Wild" featured the hottest young chef's ass squarely in the middle of the photo.

Now Serving: Young Tender Chef Meat

But I felt bad for the other chef's who look miserable on their ATV's, because they weren't deemed hot enough to show off their rumps. Maybe next time you should have these chefs do an activity that involves some exercise? Or maybe tell the hot chef to tone it down a bit?

"Hey, Mr. thinks-he's-so-hot Chef -- if I wanted cheesecake, I woulda ordered it!"

"Save it for yer centerfold in Bon Appetit, sweet cheeks!"