UPCOMING SHOWS:

They call me Big Red, because everybody wants a piece.

So, on that bombshell...
On Monday, go see Susie in:

"The Big Sell" -- a one time only comedy event!
Date: Oct 3, 2005 (Mon)
Location: Otto's Shrunken Head
Address: 538 E 14 (Between A/B)
Start: 8:00 PM
Admission: FREE

Susie Felber and Lianne Stokes host an evening featuring professional comedians. The catch? All comics have (or have had) a secret double life -- "day jobs" in advertising. Did you know many of the comics you see on TV, in print and on the comedy circuit are also Art Directors, Creative Directors & Copy Jockeys whose work is all around you? From writing for the Aflac duck, to writing coffee cup sleeves, billboards, buses, and selling taxi cab tops -- these comedians work as "creatives" in-house or in-agency or in their underpants, drunk from home.

Taglines all day. Punchlines all night. This is not some "funniest guy in the ad agency" show. This is a show featuring working comedians who also happen to have a flair for schilling wares...

This show features comedians Susie Felber, Lianne Stokes, Rob Paravonian, Amanda Melson, Joe DeVito, Josh Comers, Jordan Carlos, John Morrison, Anthony DeVito and some very special surprise guests.

This show is also a part of the NYC Underground Comedy Festival.

On Wednesday see Susie in:

Nice Jewish girls Gone Bad – comedy, music and burlesque.
A Time Out NY pick of the week!
Date: Oct 5, 2005 (Wed)
Location: Joe’s Pub
Address: 425 Lafayette street
Start: 8:00 PM
Also features: the release of "Modern Jewish Guide to Guilt" By Ruthie Andrew Ellenson
URL: http://www.nicejewishgirlsgonebad.com

Giant Squid Obscures Giant Scandal?

8-meter (25-foot) long Architeuthis a.k.a. fucking huge squid

"Wow, a giant squid photographed in the wild -- that's awesome!", say some.

But others say there's a mystery that's deeper and darker than a giant squid's linen closet.

For while Japanese scientists hooked the press with amazing tales of the red and purplish squid colors and tales of its handling of prey, astute media watchers could not help but notice one fact that seemed a bit fishy; namely why is this footage only now being made available to the world? Kyoichi Mori, a marine researcher, let this bit of information slip:

The camera was operated by remote control during research at the end of October 2004, Mori told The Associated Press on Wednesday.

This had led some to question Japan's motives and fear that the small island nation may have used this time to develop squid-like weaponry based on the animal's newly-discovered aggressive qualities.

Concerned Americans are calling for a full independent investigation. Said one, "Holding on to exclusive giant squid footage for a year? I'm sorry but this smells like week-old calamari to me." He then added, "What I'm saying is it stinks. Ya get it?"

We said, "Yeah, we get it."

My mom alerted me to the squid this morning, and then I helped her post her squideriffic musings to her blog this afternoon. Check it out here.

Pancakes on a lamp

Just what the title says. Crank up the speakers and watch Brit co-eds go pancake crazy:
http://www.thomasscott.net/iron/pancakes/

via: b3ta


UPDATE on illness: Oi -- I'm still sick. But 5,000 x better than last night and going to work. Last night in front of the Yankee game I was in pain, sweating and mumbling/croaking, "thanks for the soup and Theraflu. mmmf argh muble mumble ahhhrgh" to my man.

Live Blogging: Sick Day

8:44 AM EDT: I feel craptastic.

9:27 AM EDT: I write an email to work (work being the basic cable network I never ever talk about on this blog so don't even) telling them I feel "craptastic".

10:04 AM EDT: Dog walked. Think about all the fun things I could do on a day off if I didn't genuinely feel craptastic: Museums, shops, and sipping a 5 dollar coffee at the adorable little cafe on the corner where all the patrons seem to be on permanent sick day.

10:19 AM EDT: Decide against moving my car to a Mon/Thurs spot because I feel horrible. Now 2nd guess myself and wonder if I should join all the unemployed rent control West Village boomers in the alternate side parking dance. But if you're not on the street by 10AM, reading your New York Times and exercising eye of the tiger-like concentration, it's too late. Verdict: it's too late.

10:29 AM EDT: TWO ROLL UP PIANOS FOR ONLY 2 EASY PAYMENTS OF 29.95?! NY1 I love you and your craptastic commercials.

10:30 AM EDT: Wonder how long it'll be before mom reads my blog and calls me full of concern.

10:32 AM EDT: Mom gets on the bat phone and the first words out of her mouth are, "what feels bad?" I say throat and head. Asks what I'm taking (nothing). Inscrutably suggests antihistamine. Offers sympathy and then launches into a kvetch-a-thon. Ten minutes later I beg off the phone because I have a new symptom that makes me need to run to the bathroom and gives weight to "craptastic" self-diagnosis.

11:20 AM EDT: Did dishes and started to clean apartment. Add depressed by dust to list of symptoms.

11:27 AM EDT: Think about posting pithy stuff on Gawker comments re: Katie Couric being happy. Decide I'm too fragile today to be hated by fellow nerds for my coveted access to nerdtopia. Going back to my dusting.

11:58 AM EDT: OH NO I DIDN'T!

12:40 PM EDT: My throat hurts but only on one side. Tonsil, stage left. Ow.

2:47 PM EDT: Asked to read at HTKP on November 30th. Accepted. Psyched.

2:48 PM EDT: Dog has not come out from behind futon since morning walk. Cursing every wasted hour I have felt guilty for leaving his furry rump when I go to work.

I'm home and this is what he's doing behind the couch. Ungrateful mutt.

3:30 PM EDT:Via email from a comedian pal I learn Don Adams of Get Smart has died. It's a great show. But you know that. What you don't know is that my uncle -- my mother's sister's husband -- wrote for it. I never met him, and he passed away years ago. This connection has never helped my career and never will. Once at the Friars Club I talked to Pvt. Zimmerman from Sgt. Bilko, and he was almost impressed. In short: no one is as impressed by this as I am.


Oh yeah, I have been known to party with the Friars. Jealous much?

4:22 PM EDT:Feel so horrible/Look even worse. Walked dog while trying not to puke or run into anyone I know. Didn't puke; did run into someone I know. Fully aware that I will most likely be going to work sick tomorrow. Falling into a well of self-sorrow, a deep and perilous madness. And now it's raining to boot.

My dog as the Gordon's fisherman. No, I didn't buy this for him.

4:45 PM EDT: My man calls to see how I'm feeling. Complain. Sound pathetic. Asks what I'm taking and yells at me for not taking anything. Say I don't know what to take given the symptoms. Refuse to go to drug store on grounds I feel too horrible. Promise to look for something to take in medicine cabinet. Says he's going to call back in a half hour and if I haven't taken something he is going to pick something up for me. Some threat. What's next? I swear that if you don't take care of yourself I'm coming over there to massage your temples, bring you banana marshmallow ice cream and force you to watch old episodes of The Muppet Show.

4:48 PM EDT: Scour medicine cabinet and find: 1 packet expired Theraflu, 1 box expired Benadryl, 10 expired Kaopectate caplets, 1 expired box of Severe Allergy and Sinus Headache, 1 expired CVS extra moisturizing nasal spray, and half a bottle of Tums. The Tums are good until 2008. Well that's just ducky.

Good Cause

There's an Ebay auction of my mom's books going on right now. It's to benefit a mother/daughter romance writing team who lost everything in the hurricane.

All details and links here.

This auction is the brainchild of a group of amazing romance writers who blog together at (the inscrutably named) Squawk Radio.

Good cause? More like great super fabu-awesome cause.

When I saw myself in this photo, I suddenly understood why I had been asked to play a whore on Conan so many times...

Above, another promo photo for an upcoming show I'm in at Joe's Pub on October 5th called Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad.

And before that, on October 3rd, I'm co-producing a show with Lianne Stokes called "The Big Sell" featuring professional comedians who work in or have worked in advertising. It's part of the New York City Underground Comedy Festival.

One nice bit of news: one fabulous comedian I know qualified for our show with her job at a company that sells ads on taxi cab tops. Sure it was a stretch, but she's funny and she wasn't happy with the job and longed for a real comedy writing job, or barring that, a swish advertising job -- anything that would make use of her talents.

Just this week she got a great job, writing for a show on Comedy Central. She quit the taxi top job with half a day's notice.

Now if that isn't the bee's knees, I don't know what is.

I'll link to her once I find out if it's no longer a super secret project.


Comedy gossip? Bee's knees? Who do I think I am, The Apiary?

UPDATE: Thanks to The Apiary, I see they outed my newly minted professional TV comedy writer friend. But I have a feeling my friend probably didn't mind being outed in the first place. I mean, this isn't like Kate Moss caught hoovering up cocaine, this is a chick getting a dream job.

Worst post ever

I like banana marshmallow ice cream.

Make of that what you will.

Going to sleep.

Night night.

wuv,
me

First looks

I just finished reading Dr. Cap Lesesne's upcoming book Confessions of a Park Avenue Plastic Surgeon. Ate it up like cat fish. More on this later. Later being tomorrow. Heck, the book isn't even out yet, so you people who are clamoring for my book review can wait. You are also probably a figment of my imagination. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve a book review.

And I just received the new flyer for the show I'm doing October 5th at Joe's Pub. It features me in a wig and enough eyeshadow to make-up a small country... also, I'm doing a silly pout for the camera and the effect is such that my lips look filled with a good amount of squirrel bum fat. Ah well. Anywho, the idea for the apple bong was mine and totally last minute, but the execution, by Perlman, couldn't not have been more brilliant.

The days of awe just got awesome

FEELING GUILTY
with "Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad" and
The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt (Dutton, 2005)

Wednesday, Oct. 5th @9:30pm
joe's pub
425 Lafayette
NEW YORK
212.539.8778
$15

Before the leaves fall and the holidays get too high, "Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad" returns to give ya one mo' guilty pleasure before you repent. Blowing like a shofar in Vegas, these Chosen Chicks have been playing sold-out houses from California to the Catskills. Come spend another night with the sexiest yids around.

"Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad" is a refreshing mix of comedy, music, spoken-word and show-stopping burlesque, told by the girls your mother warned you about. The girls are gearing up for another busy year, first, they will be returning to California (thanks to a generous grant from the Mazal Foundation), then they return to Boston, Pittsburgh and Baltimore and hopefully hit New Orleans and Houston. This scrappy little show from the East Village keeps on spreading the nuevo schmaltz and the wayward girls. Now they are teaming up with the author of "The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt" to present a terrific show back where they started, joe's pub for the The NYC Underground Comedy Festival, featuring the very best of J-girl scribes, comics and spoken word artists,such as Emmy Award Winner Judy Gold (HBO, Comedy Central, etc.) Ophira Eisenberg (Comedy Central), Susie Felber (Comedy Central/Conan), spoken word artist, Vanessa Hidary (HBO), Cory Kahaney (Last Comic Standing), authors Wendy Shanker (Fat Girl's Guide to Life), Sheryl Zohn ("Penn & Teller: Bullshit!"), Ruthie Ellenson and Elisa Albert, hosted by the Goddess Perlman (TLC/MTV) with a whole slew of new outfits to inspire your high holiday look.

FT Hotties?

Yeah, I was sent this blog post about FT hotties.

But they omit one...my FT hottie.

Doesn't the badminton net show off how nicely editing can hone one's arms?
Photo by Lisa Whiteman


Wow! Even with a crudely-drawn lobster claw for a hand, he is still smokin'!
Photo by Wendy Shanker, silly lobster claw + by me


What woman wouldn't want a man who'd agree to splay a dead luna moth in his hands so your nerdy ass could take a picture with a disposable camera?
Photo by me, Luna moth (died on the lawn in front of my eyes) by chance.

And since I'm amazingly busy, you can check out the article my FT Hottie wrote for the FT on the recent Galloway/Hitchens ideological smackdown.

HOLY ROLLING CROWS!

I donated to the Red Cross before 9/9, so my donation would be eligible for company matching (at the cable network I work at but never talk about for fear I'll be dooced). I donated through a link on Jack-FM because they had a contest that if you donated through a link on their page you were entered to win tix to see The Rolling Stones. I think the promotion was called: Give 'em Shelter. Yeah, now that I've googled it, it was called that: Jack FM (WCBS, 101.1) has announced a fundraising effort, "Give `Em Shelter!", which will help Katrina victims. Donating listeners will qualify to win a pair of tickets to the Rolling Stones show at Giant Stadium on September 15th.

And lookie what happened!

Rolling Stones Tickets
from: JACK-FM
to: me

I left you a phone message, but I wanted to let you know that because of your generous donation to the Red Cross, you have won a pair of tickets to see The Rolling Stones this Thursday, September 15th at Giants Stadium from JACK-FM!
You need to pick up your tickets here at JACK-FM.
[info redacted so you Internet rapscaillions won't pick them up]
Congratulations from 101.1 JACK-FM!

PS I haven't decided if I'm going to the concert, or giving the tix away, perhaps at NORTHERN HOSPITALITY, the hurricane benefit I'm performing in tomorrow night.

Come see me in this fabulous benefit tomorrow night.

Anywho, I heart winning contests, especially while doing good deeds.

Happy happy joy joy!

Come see Susie perform -- tonight!


Be naughty & see a show on a school night.

TONIGHT
Date: Sep 12, 2005 (Mon)
Name: "Tell Your Friends!"
Location: Lolita Bar
Address: 266 Broome St, at Allen St.
City/State: New York, NY
Start: 8:00 PM
Price: FREE

FEATURING: Host Susie Felber * Jesse Joyce * Bob Powers * Liam McEneaney* Tom Shillue * Demetri Martin AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play. PRESS: "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY SunWHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!" * Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and 'workout comedy room is sure to please." * The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day. * AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section. * "Editor's pick!" - clubfreetime.com

It's a Time Out pick of the week. I’m guest hosting for one night only. It's free. What could be better?

Certainly not this:

Remember: not all free entertainment is created equal.

“Damn sounds like fun but…”

PRESENTING FELBER'S 1ST ANNUAL

Evite Can’t Attend/Can Brag Awards

When people respond to an Evite, if they can come or if they are a “maybe” they usually reply enthusiastically or rather plainly.

But I’ve noticed that often, when people can’t make it to a party or a show they are compelled to turn down the event while also giving people a taste of their jetsetting life in the process.

As in, “I’d love to come, but I’ll be having sex with Paris Hilton at that time!” Or, “Oh shoot! That night happens to be the date I’ll be shopping for a dress to collect my Nobel Prize in. But have fun!”

Below, are 100% real examples of Evite RSVP brags that I have collected for your reading pleasure.

NOMINEES FOR BEST USE OF BRAGS WHILE DECLINING AN EVITE

Rats! I'm going to be in the recording studio cutting tracks for the 2005 Cast of APATHY that night, but have a wonderful B-Day and I'll get you a coupla drinks some other time. Cheers! :)

I'll be in China at that time. Have a great time!

Sadly, I have another show opening that night, and will be attending post-show festivities with that cast. Happy Birthday!

Still in Europe rcovering from Cannes - will see you next time again...

Greg, I'm sorry I can not atttend. I'm in Bolgaria working on a film.

Arrgggh! I forgot that need to go watch my friend Lon strip down to a thong tonight at the duplex...rats! Have fun without me:O(

Thanks so much for the invite. I am in Poland this summer producing my thesis film. A documentary. Stay in touch.

sounds like fun but i've already committed to 2 other parties that night. happy b-day! cheers....

Hi, Greg! I'm here in LA, doing a kitchen remodel in our house, so I can't make it out to NYC. Have a GREAT time, though!

And the winner is:
Eurotrash Bragger!

Still in Europe rcovering from Cannes - will see you next time again...

This is a brilliant Evite brag. What an economy of words! He is “recovering” from Cannes. That alone says it all. It says, “I went somewhere swank and I partied harder than your little party could ever know with people who are much cooler than anyone who might be showing up to your little event.”

This Evite RSVP shows an uncanny ability to brag in brief, combined with awesome disregard for spelling and adorable euro grammar. Its brilliance can not be denied.

Runner up:
The Busy A-hole!

sounds like fun but i've already committed to 2 other parties that night. happy b-day! cheers....

Nice! With this response, the dude quickly reveals that the person's birthday party (it was a birthday party Evite) is but a speck of annoying lint on his whirlwind social calendar.

Congratulations to the winners!

Now scroll below to check out where I'll be performing...

Victor sent me the most amazing thing...

Subject: Wouldn't it be neat if Kayane West's words spawned a new song?


George Bush Don't Like Black People -- the song.
UPDATE: You people use too much bandwith. OK, here's a mirror.
Mirror: George Bush Don't Like Black People -- the song.

Found credit and post here.

A Trifecta of Shame

I watched the Tonight Show?
I enjoyed Michael Bolton’s singing?
I’m prepared to share this info with the world?

Yes, yes and...I guess so.

To clarify: I saw about 10 minutes of the Tonight Show, after my DVD ended.* I was shocked and worried when I found I enjoyed Michael Bolton’s rendition of “Georgia” and thought, “Wow, he beats anyone who’s ever been on American Idol.” Although I’ve never watched more than 10 minutes of American Idol, I know this is true. Call me psychic…Now see me in a comedy show. Full 411 below:

Plugs!

Susie's selection of upcoming shows YOU can attend!

Date: Sep 11, 2005 (Sun)
Name: Comedy Pro Shop
Location: Sin Sin bar and lounge
Address: Corner of 2nd Ave. and 5th St.
City/State: New York, NY
Start: 8:30 PM
Price: No Cover, No Minimum!
347-866-8266 for info
http://www.robprocks.com/proshop/

This I-can’t-believe-it’s free show, hosted by the lovely and talent Rob Paravonian, features awesome comedians in an intimate space. It’s a Time Out New York Pick of the week.
PS Rob recently performed for our troops in Afghanistan. See his blog http://paravonia.blogspot.com/ for details and cool pictures.

Date: Sep 12, 2005 (Mon)
Name: "Tell Your Friends!"
Location: Lolita Bar
Address: 266 Broome St, at Allen St.
City/State: New York, NY
Start: 8:00 PM
Price: Free Admission

FEATURING: Host Susie Felber * Jesse Joyce * Bob Powers * Liam McEneaney* Tom Shillue * Demetri Martin AND OUR HOUSE BAND - A Brief View of the Hudson, a folk-rock duo that blows away audiences at every show they play. PRESS: "It is not often that a band sounds like nothing you've ever heard & still sounds good. That's what you get from A Brief View of the Hudson." - The NY Sun
WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!" * Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS," and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show and 'workout comedy room is sure to please." * The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day. * AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section. * "Editor's pick!" - clubfreetime.com

Another Time Out pick of the week, another awesome show produced by Mike Collins – with expert advice from Liam McEneaney. I’m guest hosting for one night only. And it’s free dawgs!


Date: Sep 14, 2005 (Wed)
Name: Northern Hospitality – a benefit for victims of Hurricane Katrina
Location: Kraine Theater
Address: 84 E4th street between 2nd & 3rd Aves.
City/State: New York, NY
Country: United States
Start: 8:00 PM
Price: $20

*** Special Guest Headliner COLIN QUINN! ***
(Saturday Night Live, Tough Crowd with...Himself!)
Also Appearing:
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN
(VH1's Best Week Ever, Chappelle's Show)
ANTHONY DeVITO
(VH1, A&E, Discovery Channel, Us Weekly Fashion Police)
ANDRES DU BOUCHET
(Giant Tuesday Night Of Amazing Inventions And Also
There Is A Game!)
Hosted by SUSIE FELBER
(Comedy Central, Conan, MTV2)
This show was mentioned in today’s NY Post and Daily News. Stay tuned for more updates! http://www.anthonydevito.com/benefit.html
Sneak peek at early October Highlights – two shows I’m doing within the NYC Underground Comedy Festival.

Name: The Big Sell
Date: Oct 3, 2005 (Mon)
Location: Otto's Shrunken Head
Address: 538 E 14(A/B)
Start: 8:00 PM
Price: FREE

Susie Felber and Lianne Stokes host and produce an evening featuring professional comedians. The catch? All comics have (or have had before comedy superstardom) a secret double life -- "day jobs" in advertising.

Did you know many of the comics you see on TV, in print and on the comedy circuit are also Art Directors, Creative Directors & Copy Jockeys whose work is all around you? From writing for the Aflac duck, to writing coffee cup sleeves, billboards, buses, and taxi cabs -- these comedians work as "creatives" in-house or in-agency or in their underpants, drunk from home.

Taglines all day. Punchlines all night. This is not some amature "funniest guy in the ad agency" show. This is a show featuring working comedians who also happen to have a flair for schilling wares...


Name: Nice Jewish girls Gone Bad – comedy, music and burlesque.
Date: Oct 5, 2005 (Wed)
Location: Joe’s Pub
Address: 425 Lafayette street
Start: 8:00 PM
Also features: the release of "Modern Jewish Guide to Guilt" By Ruthie Andrew Ellenson)
http://www.nicejewishgirlsgonebad.com


*The DVD I watched last night was Brit-based comedy Calendar Girls and the admission that it made me teary multiple times is, perhaps, the most embarrassing revelation of all. But luckily, my psychic powers tell me no one will read this far. Seriously, I adore any of those British Isles comedies where UK people in a bucolic setting band together for a wacky purpose and overcome amazing, and amazingly contrived, obstacles. More please.

Upcoming Shows



I'm doing three great shows. Sunday 9/11, Monday 9/12 & Wednesday 9/14

The first two are free, the third is a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina called Northern Hospitality.

I'll post more soon, but for now, check out the link above and my calendar in the sidebar for the full 411 on all the shows.

It's late. You people should be in bed. Smoochies. -s

Bush says, "Don't buy gas if you don't need it."

I have to say I agree with that.

But walking down Broadway the other night, and I saw the cutest pair of gas cans in the window

and I just had to have them.

Like Soccer? Or what the rest of the world calls Football?
Like a well-designed, well-written magazine with pictures of really hot men?

Then I humbly suggest you try this:

GreenPitch, the best little mag you never heard of.

A talented designer pal of mine named Christopher Cooper designs this entire mag in his spare time, else I probably never would've found it. It's beautiful, fascinating and yeah, I appreciate the pics of hot soccer-playing types.

The current issue's highlights include an interview (and hot pics) of Survivor, soccer player and do-gooder Ethan Zohn,* an introduction to the game of beach soccer (who knew?), a good roundup of movies with soccer in them, and a great article and pics on how crap the MetroStars are at building a following. As the MetroStars are a primary advertiser in this bold little mag, it's pretty brave.

From the magazine's website:

What Is GreenPitch Magazine?

GreenPitch is a bi-monthly soccer lifestyle magazine for amateur and professional soccer players, coaches and enthusiasts in the New York, New Jersey and Connecticut metropolitan areas. Published since mid-2003, GreenPitch aims to fill the gap in the great demand for soccer news and information focused, not on international soccer, but on the Metropolitan Soccer Scene.

Why ‘GreenPitch’?

In keeping with our unique editorial and commentary we created a name that highlights our mission. While the Pitch (common term for soccer field) is typically Green, the color is also synonymous with ‘freshness’, ‘youth’ and ‘optimism’. That is how we view our approach to soccer in the metropolitan area and in America.

Why Subscribe To GreenPitch?

GreenPitch Magazine offers content not found anywhere else. It’s your game and we write to improve it. We provide our readers with the latest training tips, coaching advice, travel guides, and a wide variety of articles and features to keep you entertained, informed and a step ahead of the competition.

Go ahead, subscribe to GreenPitch here.

I did.

*Ethan is an old friend of fabulous comedian and comedy writer Julius Sharpe.**

**Perhaps that's not very interesting to you, but Sharpe's site is worth checking out. His link has been hanging out in my sidebar for years and yet I've never pointed you people directly to it. My bad.