Things to do when you're crushingly lonely.

Check out the first image that comes up when you Google "naked elk." Pervy pervy elk!

Notice that when you Google "gardening in space", the results are rather thrilling, n'est pas?

But be warned that search results for "Spaz Casserole" are way less exciting than you'd think... much too dull for a link, I'm afraid. Honestly, I implore you not to Google this phrase yourself. Life is precious and should not be wasted in fruitless searches.

Oh and hey, this little snazzy icon of my mug is here to entice you to read part two of my sizzling interview with Satuurday Night Live writer Bryan Tucker. Click here to read it now and ward off soul-crushing lonliness.

Interview #2 Part the First Est Ici!

You can read part one of my interview with SNL writer Bryan Tucker right here.

Baby's first PR

What's pink and soft in the morning? This awesome profile of my spawn in the New York Observer's "Born Yesterday" column.

Note: Yeah, I'm not a copy editor, but who cares? Look at the baaaaaby! Baby baby baby!

UPDATE: Thanks to writer/editor/hot chick RKB for the linkage.

ALSO: Private to all those people who, after reading the Observer, are currently finding this site by googling "Susie Felber Weehawken." Thanks for your interest! But if you are a Weehawkenite, introduce yourselves, yo? Seriously. Especially if you're a mom. I needs me some mom friends, as just about all of mine were smart enough to leave the NY-area.*

*Smart enough = decided not to raise the baby in a closet cared for by an illegal nanny who costs more than that closet's monthly rent.

Read the first of my weekly conversations with comedy writers, producers, losers, etc. right here. All interviews are like this blog: a hobby, done for love and no money.* However, being made into a groovy logo by a groovy designer is totally groovy.

*Actually, I have made some coin from this blog. For example, I made $10.23 from back when I accepted blog ads. I have yet to collect it as I am too lazy/paranoid to set up a PayPal thingamahoob.

6 weeks ago to the day, I had a baby.

I am not complaining about stretch marks (check), exhaustion (check) or extra weight (check check check).

For I've also endured extreme fevers that made me do a St. Vitus dance, an infection that had me shooting pus and blood clear across a room and a nasty open wound that still needs tending.

But that hasn't stopped countless friends and family from asking, "Will you have more?"

As if I could think about going through what I am going through... again!

But after seeing this, I know the answer...














Yes, yes a thousand times YES!

Thanks for sending that link Wyatt, it was just the reproductive nudge I needed. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go.... try and have a bassist.

Speaking of nudges, y'all should buy the Girl Boss Guerilla DVD, a rolicking 1972 cult flick featuring expert commentary by my pal Wyatt.

HOT OFF THE ONLINE PRESSES!

Fur-ensic Files
By Susie Felber
You're familiar with famous critters like Benji and Toto but what about Niner, the cybernetic robodog? Weve ranked the top 10 crime fighting pets who protect, serve and pee on the carpet.

Read it now!

Note: This article was so heavily rewritten while I was on leave that I hardly recognise it. Still, it's not bad, eh?

UPDATE: The blog pound linked to this story! Love the write up. Thanks Leigh-Ann!

Update #2: Thanks to Miss C and Gina at Pet Connection for the linkage!

Believe You Me

All I've done in the past 3 weeks is sit on my duff*, yet my unstoppable showbiz career can not be stopped. Because it is unstoppable. To wit: a movie I am in got a new title and is set to be released this spring.

And thanks to the magic of MySpace, you can be friends with my movie. Or you could just watch the new trailer. This one even features me in a scene with Mo Rocca. Ha cha!

I'll Believe You: Internet trailer



*Sit on my infected, feverish, baby delirious duff.

I may be busy, exhausted and suffering from a raging infection...

But I can always find time to file a blog post.

We interrupt this blog's regularly-scheduled hilarious, insightful content...

for a ridiculous amount of adorable baby pictures.











Happy one-week birthday, Hugo!

Yes sir, that's my baby.

No sir, I don't mean maybe.

Hugo Norbert Holland, 10/28/06, 6 lbs. 13 oz.

Felber presents: Battle of the Corporate Organic Food Blogs!

This week:

Stonyfield Farm's "The Bovine Bugle" V. Amy's Organic "Amy's Journal"

Here are two adorable "get to know us" folksy organic corporate food blogs. But which one rules and which one organically drools? Find out as Felber takes them head to head in 3 thrilling rounds. This is THE corporate organic blog cage match you don't wanna miss!

ROUND 1 -- ding ding ding!

PRESENTATION

Amy's hot.

Wolf whistle!

Jonathan, the organic dairy farmer, is not.

Looks like a wolf...

Advantage: Amy.

Amy wins this round

ROUND TWO --

CONTENT

Amy might not post very often, but heck, she's a busy college Freshman who was born into the organic biz. She also mentions her dog has one eye. (50 karma points for letting us know you're a good liberal who takes in rescue dogs! We are assuming you didn't poke out his eye yourself)

Jonathan the Dairy farmer totally trumps Amy by including video -- narrated videos of butterflies and flowers from his farm on YouTube. (50 karma points for adorable flakey Vermont farm action on the Web!) But Jonathan has lovely content about the actual workings of his farm. Based on the shifting fonts and styles within each entry, it's clear someone at corporate HQ is heavily rewriting his entries to jazz them up (like the paragraph that specifically mentions cows in a poetic manner), but they are still lovingly crafted ...for a corporate food blog.

Advantage: Jonathan

Jonathan: Round 2 winner

ROUND 3 --

HOW KOOKY ARE YOU?

Amy shows off her hybrid car, touts Al Gore's movie and reveals that she and her dog Stormy are vegetarians.

Jonath...

What?

Hang on... her dog is forced to be a vegetarian?

(And this is metioned in the sidebar and elsewhere on the site, so it's like, important you know.)

Holy crow.

That's...

so...

KOOKY!

Kooky-in-Chief: Amy

Amy wins!

Congratulations to Amy, the hot liberal cliche! Your kooky organic corporate food blog WINS!

Stan says:

"Vegetarian dogs? Blimey! The poor sod."

NERD OF THE DAY


Today when I woke my first thought was, "What is the derivation of the word finial? Does it come from finish? Final? Probably. Right? OK but if so, what language? I've got to look that up. Dictionary? Web. Bed warm. Maybe Ed will look it up. Oh, he's asleep. It's chilly in here and I doubt he wants to Zzz zzz Zzzz ZZZzzzzzz..."

Note: I found the answer. But don't worry! I will not spoil the fun you will surely have finding the answer out for yourself. Also, if you came here via an Internet search, because you too were haunted by the root of the word finial, welcome. There is no doubt in my mind this word is going to be very hot in 2007. I strongly encourage those with entrepreneurial spirit to snatch up finial.com, finial.net and finial.org.

OK, this post is finito.

Happy Display Gratuitous Pictures of your Pet Day!


Gratuitous!


Gratuitous!


What as a close up too? Gratuitous!!!


Unnecessary! Unwarranted! Unjustified! = GRATUITOUS!

Stan says,

"This is an extremely silly post..."


"I am not amused."

Act now!

No, seriously act NOW before these two fabulous articles by my Ed slip behind their coy $ubscription veils.

(These are from a special annual FT ski thingymahoob they publish called "Pink Snow")

Those little beauties on the rack
By Ed Holland
Oct 20 2006


Frolic, Caper and Dipsy Doodle. . .
By Ed Holland
Oct 20 2006

Mini-Me

Today I came across a publicity photo for a upcoming comedy perf and found I was in the photo (if not in the actual show). As its a long-running show and the performers rotate, that's totally cool.

This photo of me, taken last year, seems really neat and I've never seen it before.

And the problem is?

I can hardly see it now:


Man I'm beautiful when I'm barely visible!

Do you think it would be ultra vain of me to ask the show's producer to send me the photo in non-molecule sized form? Or is that bad form?

This is a rhetorical question because I don't have comments.

And, come on, I'm so going to ask.

Project Uglyway

Remember the ugliest pillow contest I entered?

Well my ratty pillow didn't even make the finals.

I don't know, but to judge from the competition, I feel my ugly pillow wasn't "hip" ugly enough.

Ugly? More like a puffy Ebay goldmine !

I'm so peeved my ugly pillow didn't make it, I have half a mind to sic a gangsta stringray on their asses.*

*Read: Stingray Leaps Into Boat, Stabs Man in Chest - AOL News

Today I was home and watched TLC. The network formerly known as "The Learning Channel".

What did I learn? Tons!

1. Really stupid people have babies all the time and love to be filmed when looking their worst.

2. Your friends secretly hate the way you dress and relish showing the nation how lame you are by taking secret videos of you.

3. Gay men are cruel, but they want nothing more than to make homely women look good. (And I thought they were gay to have sex with men? Duh. No way!)

I wasted a whole day with this dreck.

"Live and Learn" indeed...

I don't usually recommend books on this here blog.

(unless they are written by friends and relations)

I don't usually read enormous door stopper-sized biographies.

And big-ass biographies don't usually make me bawl at the end, making me dissolve in great heaving sobs.

But this one did.

Especially if you are, or have ever been, a New Yorker, pick up this enormous mother.

Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. It's unsually good.

Wish me luck!

In America's ugliest pillow contest.

What this sad-ass pillow lacks in fugly, it makes up for in heart-wrenching story...

Fingers crossed!

My brother is an idiot.

You heard me. Oh which brother? Surprise! It's not the one who usually seems a little bit 'tarded.

My brother Adam is an idiot.

Exhibit: Adam

Why?

He recently got a full page review in the Sunday New York Times Book Review and didn't even mention it on his blog.

Why?

Well maybe because his novel had already been reviewed in the NY Times two weeks before and he felt an embarrassment of riches.

Or maybe, he's busy working on that TV show he's doing. Or maybe he feels his NPR-addled* fans only want to hear about how Bush is an idiot (for the umpteenth time in every flavor).

Or maaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeee...

HE'S JUST AN IDIOT!

(I report, you decide.)

In other novelists-I-know news, Kiran Desai, a woman I went to college with, just won the Man Booker prize. She is the youngest woman ever to do so.

Exhibit: Kiran

Holy crap, right?

Kiran and I spent the most time together when we were the two Bennington students lucky enough to land two overpaid jobs at the Getty Center in Santa Monica. During the two months I spent in Los Angeles I was mugged (the guy got about 5 dollars), carjacked at gunpoint (a friend's car, and they almost drove away with me still cowering in the back seat) and I found myself living with a crack-addicted Bennington alum in a rat-infested crack house before a call to my mother that merely hinted that my surroundings weren't perfect led to my being swiftly taken in by my Beverly Hills Aunt who I had met about three times in my life during her brief sweeps into NYC.

Back to Kiran...

I have not been in touch with her since college. But I can say she was truly one of the nicest people you could ever know, very bright (but unlike the rest of Bennington kind, she didn't feel the need to wear a sandwich board declaring it) and lurking behind the nice introverted girl with impeccable manners was a wicked sharp sense of humor.

So successful, so young... you wish she was a female Franzen, right?

Sorry, but no. I couldn't be happier for her. Incredible and inspiring.


*I really enjoy NPR. I went to an ultra-liberal college in Vermont with no TV reception, no desire for TV reception and NPR was my constant companion. That being said, I think people who listen to too much NPR have their brains rotted as nicely as those who watch too much Fear Factor. The only sticky difference is that the TV addict knows it's junk, but the NPR addict comes away from their 'tainment feeling superior. And when the NPR listener is separated from their radio for too long they start composting anything within arms reach and their version of the DT's is repeatedly scratching their scabies and snottily telling you they don't watch TV. I know because that was me. So when I encounter a NPR freak I go all NRA and want to invade lots of countries just to see them sweat.

In the Catskills for some much needed R & R.

You understand...

I'm fresh
...and gooey too. And no, no one ever told me. Berti my globe-trotting superfriend, you rock!

From: berti p.
Sent: Thursday, October 05, 2006 10:48 AM
To: Susie Felber
Subject: You were thought of...

Susie!!

I am sure this has been brought to your attention many, many times before...but in the (very) off chance that it has not, did you know that all over Vienna, they have these incredibly tempting stands selling fresh, gooey pastries named Felber (the stands, not the gooey pastries). I'm happy to report that the fact that these stands shared a name with the Fabulous Felbers was all the excuse I needed to stuff myself with goodies every chance I could.

[rest of personal email redacted...use your imaginations]

Smiles,
Berti


Check it out, I just found the Felber bakery site! And I found they make an adorable rhino horn pastry that benefits an Indian rhino! The best part is that they are sold at the zoo and are filled with real rum so kids can get as large as rhinos and drunk. Now THAT'S a Felber.

Note: the preceeding message only interesting to Felbers.

New York's Natural History Museum introduces sleepovers

Ever wonder what it would be like to be homeless in the Arctic, surrounded by vicious polar bears and a gaggle of annoying upwardly mobile New Yorkers -- knowing that soon you'll be sleeping under a blue whale's balls?

Well wonder no more!!!

You can be among the very first to spend: A Night at the Natural History Museum!
(For reals y'all... check the link)
http://www.amnh.org/kids/sleepovers/

It's only $79 dollars per person. And what''s more, after hours with the lights dimmed and your flashlight in hand you can explore the museum and you'll notice 40% less dust on the crusty old exhibits than you would during the day! That will surely jazz up the upstate NY orchard dioramas!

There's no doubt about it: Locking your children in a museum for the night is a great way to get them to learn. Or, maybe you just want to molest some kids in front of penguins or giant sea sponges?


So come on down to the American Museum of Natural History's brand new Night at the Museum!

Sleepovers at the AMNH: Because for over 100 years, we have excelled at putting people to sleep.


Note: I kid because I love the Nat History Museum -- the blue whale, sea sponges and the crusty old diorama's in particular. The cross-section of a chipmunk's digs RULES!

Bugaboo: The most appropriately-named stroller in the world...

bug·a·boo (bug'e-bu)
n., pl. -boos

1. An object of obsessive, usually exaggerated fear or anxiety
2. A recurring or persistent problem

There are some things I wish I could erase from my brain. Namely, images of Holocaust victims and learning the name & price of the omnipresent Bugaboo stroller. Check out this Sporty Young Couple I spied this weekend in Manhattan. On Park Avenue and 59th to be exact...

This stroller retails for $729 dollars.* For another $100, they could've gotten it in yellow. Cheapskates.

*Actually, they were sporting the Bugaboo parasol and the Bugaboo diaperbag, bringing this strollers total to $869.

Speaking of the Holocaust and Bugaboos, I like to imagine this sporty young couple (SYC) will have a Schindler's List moment:

SYC: We could've got more...We could've got more, if we'd just...we could've got more...

Stern: Sporty Young Couple, forget the orphans of Darfur...there are eleven hundred people who strive to have a luxury stroller because of you. Look at them.

SYC: If we'd made more money...we threw away so much money, you have no idea. If we'd just...

Stern: There will be generations of stylish couples because of what you did.

SYC: We didn't do enough.

Stern: You did so much. Imagine if you'd had a Graco. Like, ewwww. So tacky. For the 'burbs dahling.

SYC: This Bugaboo Cameleon breezy canopy. Goeth would've bought this Bugaboo Cameleon breezy canopy. Why did we keep the Bugaboo Cameleon breezy canopy? Ten people, right there. Ten people, ten more people... (He rips the Bugaboo Transport Bag from his shoulder) This Bugaboo Transport Bag, two people. This is $121! Two more people. He would've given us two for it. At least one. He would've given us one. One more. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. We could've gotten one more person and we didn't.

They break down in Stern's arms, convulsing in remorse and guilt - some of the workers step forward and comfort him in their arms. Mrs. Dresner picks up one of the Bugaboo footmuffs from the ground. The Sporty Young Couple and their driver wear the easily-identifiable, deceptively-casual expensive uniforms of Upper East Side parents - the Sporty Young Couple's tortured faces are reflected on the car window, superimposed over the face of the illegal nanny as she slowly tries to get their notoriously difficult-to-fold Bugaboo into the car.


Update: Thanks for the linkage, Gawker.

What Doesn't Suck

For your consideration, here are two things that don't suck...

1. Mariah Carey
I was listening to her this morning (on a cutting edge device called a "radio" -- it's like an iPod on Shuffle but the amazing thing is you don't have to buy, download or pick the music)! Anywho, I decided Mariah's so talented she has earned herself a "get out of crazy free" card. So go ahead Mariah, root around bald and toothless in a woodpile -- you've earned it!
Hey talented nutjob, I toast to YOU!

2. What Sucks

That's right, the brand new blog from writer/comedian Chris Deluca called "What Sucks" -- does not suck! I think his mission statement is pure poetry:

With so much around us that blows, let this blog help you keep things sorted out. Let's face it - suckiness evelopes us, gripping us in a vice-like hold like a bear trap made of shit. Every day we face an overwhelming, deluge of crap and while the torrent of bullshit is unyielding in its advance, at least here it can be called it out for what it is- a lot of shit that really sucks. Everyday we'll shine a light on something that sucks. And your comments, until you weird me out, are welcome.

So check out What Sucks now!

Remember way back when, when I told you about my illustrator friend Steve? Yeah, misty water colored memories light the corners of my mind too!

Well now Steve is doing illustration for the Fluorescent Justice sketchbook, an illustrated, animated, New York City night court blog experience! And, even better, these short original vids are available as a free video podcast from Court TV. And even better than that? I won a brand new shiny video iPod recently... from the same company that does these podcasts.

Holla! It's Steve's art on my Pod.

And the moral of the story is...

I have an iPod! Woo! Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!

Sorry, that is not the moral. That is very immature. The moral is...

Man, it's hard to spell "Fluorescent." Smoke darn near comes out of my ears everytime I do.

No, that is not a moral, neither! The moral of the story is...

Oh please, there's no moral. Just check out the FJ night court blog and the FJ audio/video sketchbook. 10-4 good buddies.

This Day in Sustory

September 23rd, 2001: I marry in a beautiful ceremony that tells the world, "He's mine! Back da @#*% up! I'll cut ya!"

Me entering the cocoon of wedded bliss with a vodka on the rocks.

Keen readers of history might note that this date is strikingly close to another event that happened round about then.

And those who know me well know that my entire wedding was re-planned in a week, from soup to nuts. Or, more like, from cake to nuts. Everything but the dress, and the people getting married, changed. We pulled it off, thanks to a massive effort on the part of my family and friends. It's a great story for another time. I mean, heck, it's taken me five years to even mention my wedding, let alone show you people pictures. Be patient lambs!


Although many of our guests cancelled, the one with the whitest hair there is a 90-something year old relation who drove into Manhattan with her husband. She said, "We survived Hitler, lived through the Blitz in London...this wasn't going to stop us."


All in Fort Tryon Park agreed: this event's trauma < 9/11.

Of course last night I was on the phone with my mother who -- after relating how many people she knew seemed to be losing their grasp of dates -- asked of my marriage, "How long has it been now? Three years?"

This post has been a blatant ripoff, er, I mean hommage to Chris Regan's This Day in Mythstory.

Eric's Really Good Idea

A celebration of design innovation. Hot off the video presses TODAY. Third in a rocking series. By Bob Shea with all voices by Ed Holland.

NOTE: Yeah, I posted this already by using the code because when I blogged it from YouTube it didn't show up... well as you can see it did, but two days late. Is this bug usual?

Hot off the video presses!

Watch A celebration of design innovation by Bob Shea.
With all voices by my Ed.


OMG! Bloody Brilliant! Share 'n spread!

Cops Pay This Guy to Act Up
By Susie Felber

Playing rapists, victims and witnesses, LA-based actor James Elliott makes a living out of helping police hone their interrogation and sleuthing skills.

Read my hot off the virt-presses interview with James right here!

Behind the story, story: So recently a great friend of mine tells me about the man she's dating, who is, in her opinion, really wonderful. She didn't want to tell me when the relationship was new because she knows my well-known (and well-performed) bias against hooking up with actors. She's never gushed about a guy to me like this one. Of course, as soon as she tells me one of his jobs is acting for the LAPD, my interest in her happy love life suddenly went out da flipping window as I pump her for details on how I can interview him. "You've finally met a man who adores and respects you, blah blah, whatever... so, ooooh, tell me again about the wild detective training unit thingy he works for?" Yeah, I'm a great friend.

Battle of the Network Affiliate Pooch Stars
A don’t-miss blog post that includes the premiere of...
Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!

From Comedy Central’s Insider comes this important news item about Stormy, the Rockin' Weather Dog!

Stormy from CBS 19, "The East Eye of Texas"

"During the 5pm newscast . . . If the weather dog is wearing a sweater viewers will know they are in store for a cool weather forecast. If Stormy is dressed in a parka, those tuning in will know it is time to bundle up . . . At 6 and 10pm, Stormy will emerge from his doghouse to push a button to activate his evening 'Dog Walking Forecast'. This will inform viewers graphically what the weather will be like as they take an evening stroll with their own pampered pet. "

Thanks to Comedy Central for the link… I love Stormy, even though he has the miserable look of an extra in a Triumph sketch. But wait! Comedy Central neglects to mention that Stormy is a blatant, albeit cuter, rip off of another Texas Weather dog – Radar!
Radar knows the camera adds ten pounds… the fur, 20.

It seems Radar came about in 2004.

Radar has a bio, multiple videos, and a slow-loading 122 picture photo gallery (!) that includes pictures of his pimped out pet bed…

Don't Radar's digs look a bit like the set for Paris Hilton’s next stolen video?

Here we see Radar choking news director Nancy Shafran for not copyrighting that weather dog shit...

"I'll kill you! Get me my agent!"

And so, in the spirit of new and improved rip offs, may I proudly present:

Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!

So, what's the weather gonna be today, boy?

Here Stan shows us that today will be rainy and slightly gay with a chance of rats and fashion week.

Good dog!!!!!

Tune in next time for more awesome predictions from Stan, the Manhattan Weather Mutt!