Even More Shameless Self Promo!

Felber's Frolics
Every Saturday @ 10:30 PM
Ye Old Tripple Inn
West 54th Street Between Broadway & 8th Ave.
NY, NY
212-245-9849
FREE, no minimum

Tonight Felber's Frolics welcomes yet another cavalcade of ever-changing always impressive comedians:

Jane Campell
Rob Paravonian
Ritch Duncan
Andrew Donnelly
Clara Bijl

Plus will also feature Magic Star Ramon!
Actually, his levitating cigarette trick is awesome.

also also wik: the thrills of Monologue Challenge!

The above comedians credits are quite impressive and include:
National TV, College and club circuit, writing for Colin Quinn's "Tough Crowd", contributing jokes for Kilborn and SNL, running a hot show in NYC, co-founding Jest magazine, appearing on a zillion commercials and being French.

Check what flavorpill said about us:

What happens when you take a historic Irish Bar, add some of New York City's best comics, and throw in a host who's the love child of Bette Midler, Janis Joplin and Lenny Bruce? Well, of course, it's Felber's Frolics. The weekly comedy cavalcade is back with all the inappropriate jokes, bawdy musical nuggets, and, once again, the all star line-up. Susie Felber, with the help of her brother Adam (comedian, screenwriter and NPR personality), bring their one-of-a-kind style to the local bar which has witnessed many a star be born over the years. So come down for the cheap drinks, killer chicken fingers, and rowdy local hecklers for a night that comes straight out of a B movie.

Below, you'll find my rant about Last Comic Standing auditions. After sleeping on it, and hearing the horror stories of others, I see my lot wasn't that bad. I didn't have my camera smashed, I didn't have to wait in the cold, I didn't end up having a nervous b on stage and I didn't have to endure any barbs of hilarity from the guys auditioning me.

So what of those guys? I've since put myself in the shoes of The Tonight Show dudes, and found I felt quite sorry for them. What a special kind of torture it must have been for them. To be forced to sit through thousands of comics and even more "comics" must have been draining and dull and depressing.

Still, I would do their job in a minute for little more than a turkey burger with a side of mash.

Last Comic Standing
or
Susie Will Sit This One Out

I just auditioned for a Jay Mohr NBC show-to-be called "Last Comic Standing." It's set to be a reality show and competition that Mohr is hosting and producing. Comics live in a house in Las Vegas as they perform and get tossed off. By audience vote? Panel? No clue.

Cattle call was two days ago, booked auditions today. Reality shows frighten me to no end. They seem they are a great way to become a national joke and perhaps because maybe they help writers like me starve (still, I could stand to lose a few...). But I do have friends who have been employed as producers with reality shows. I have watched and even enjoyed them. So though I don't want to be in one, I'm not someone who thinks they're the work of the devil or even something to sneer at.

In all, fame for fame's sake is not important to me. If it was, there's lots of things I would do for my career other than self-sabotage. But I digress. I got the op to audition and decided to go because:

1. Convinced they would never ever pick me. I don't fit into the kooky standard categories. e.g. 12 white guys, 3 black guys, 5 hot chicks, 1 older/fat crazy chick and someone apt to get naked in the house...

2. I hoped someone new from NBC would see me. The few who do know me at NBC here like me (say you do!) I think, but LA doesn't know me from Adam. Actually, they probably don't know Adam either.

So I asked and found out beforehand someone new will be there. The two dudes who cast The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Now that didn't fill my panties with egg whites, but yeah, I did think that was pretty cool.

The Audition, She Is Near
Just got done with the audition ... in short...
Many lovely and accomplished comics there I knew, a few I didn't. A comedian I knew said he was very excited to make the "semi-finals" so I guess that was what they were calling today. Today was the booked auditions plus the few they carried over from the cattle call.

Before the audition backstage, a camera was stuck in my face, but I didn't mind because the cameraman was quite sweet, interestingly handsome and wearing a Yankee cap. Cam man looked a bit like a younger Father Ted and was with a nice chick who was something important. I knew she was important, because she had a clipboard. Anywho, he and the chick asked me questions. At this, I was hilarious. I wasn't trying, but I was totally calm and even enjoyed it.

Oh I was cracking them up. Yeah, I was a STAR! Well, the jokes were cheap. Judge for yourself. Only remember a few...

Camera dude: Do you want to live in a house with a bunch of comics?
Me: I'm not convinced I do actually... suppose it depends on what snack foods will be provided."

Clip Chick: Some people say women aren't funny, what do you say?
Me: I say tell me who they are and I'll mess them up bad.

Camera dude: How do you feel doing this audition?
Me: It beats hooking. No, kidding. Doesn't beat hooking at all. Hooking pays.

You get the gist...

The Audition Cometh!
Almost immediately I'm onstage. Two Tonight Show dudes up front in light, sitting at an elevated desk. Then in the dark, I use my bat sense and detect a zillion people milling around or sitting in the club. The Comedy Garden is large. Empty of most chairs and tables it was like a hip cavern. Holy crap-ola, thinks I! How many people are working on this show? There were about 7 upfront plus all them network children of the night in the club.

How'd You Do Already, Susie?
I was not horrible, but not very good. I'm pretty honest about that stuff. Like I didn't do wonderfully at CCL last Thursday, but I killed at the Charity Jam on Saturday. See? I can say both about myself.

A joke or two made them laugh, but the general impression I gave was someone who was nervous.

Damn. All I wanted was a fabulous impression on The LA peeps and I don't think that happened. After two jokes, I saw the guys at the table make a check mark on the paper. One looked back to someone for a nanosecond and then gave the "we're politely listening but let's hope she ends it" face. OK, Maybe I'm imagining that, but I don't think so. I wrapped it up quick, but know, we were asked to do 2-3 minutes of stand-up. That's it. No More. NEXT!

I got off the stage and cute camera dude asks me, "So was it fun?." I can't remember for the life of me if he was holding the camera when he did, though I hope he wasn't. I smiled and said, "If your definition of fun is a living nightmare, than yes. Yes, I had fun. Thanks."

In Conclusion
I blame no one but myself. But I have almost always done poorly doing comedy without an audience.

I can perform for 3 people, I can perform for 300. And I have. I love the rowdy crowds and I love the quiet "convince me" crowds. I hardly ever get nervous doing comedy. But I do lack the ability to get it up comedywise, to slay people who are not there to see a show. There, that IS my biggest fault. You know my weak spot, now you may fire at the little vent and blow up my comedy Death Star. But please don't

Still, I think auditioning, doing comedy without an audience, is torture. It's like making love to the dead. You might be able to get off if you can ignore the cold flesh and work really hard, but it's definitely nasty.

My, Is That Your Bitterness Showing?
OK, meant what I said in defense of reality shows.

Then again, anything and everything that was filmed there today on stage and backstage can be used in perpituity throught the universe without paying me or any other comic one red cent. Get it? NBC can use our embarrassing moments in every promo, during the show and the people on Alpha Centuri may watch our auditions and air it again and again and we get no dosh. Silly me didn't realize that before agreeing to the audition. Ah the humanity!

Years ago, please forgive me if I get this wrong as I can't find where I first read it, a comic whose name escapes me threw himself off a club's roof in LA and dies. A note attached to him says, "I played the Improv." Jay Leno then led a protest because the comedy clubs weren't paying comics. Or perhaps the protest came first? But still, WOW. Comics stuck up for themselves and there was a change.

Flash ahead to today. Comics who appear on TV and get paid to headline out of town or who write for major TV comedies can't get booked into the clubs unless they do a "bringer show." A bringer show is where a comic must bring paying audience members, or else. Or else they don't go up. Hence, the quality at the clubs, other than the headliners is often crap. No working self-respecting comic does "bringers." Or once in a blue moon they do, but for a tape.

And so the new talent rarely mixes with the old, unless they do Luna Lounge or the well known have a very bold spirit to branch out. The older stand-ups, most of them, have no idea about the healthy comedy scene that thrives here in NYC outside the clubs. Seeing the movie "Comedian" I thought, Orny Adams? This is who Seinfeld was exposed to? This is who is warming up for him? Oi.

There is an amazing, talented, huge, tight knit group of comedians right now. They know what good comedy is. They know why they are doing it. They are artists (no snickering). They are below the radar. Sometimes, but not often they get press. But since most newspapers regard stand-up and comedy in general is if it smell's like old 80's fish, it ain't often.

Open the weekend section of The New York Times. Dance! Opera! Jazz! Classical! Heck, right now if you dance around in your apartment long enough, they'll review you. But comedy? No sir.

(Don't get me started on papers that have an article where the journalist goes to try out stand-up at an open mic. The Times did one with a grotesque picture. Basically these articles come out all the time. All the boys who are too pussy to perform without ironic distance, do it. Then the article admits they weren't brilliant, but talks about how horrible all the acts were. I said don't get me started...)

Sadly, The New York Times doesn't carry the comics, either kind.

Well, there's one exception... the Times will review comedy films. so there's dance reviews up the wazoo next to long tracts about fare like "Snow Dogs" and "Kangaroo Jack." Double oi.

So from the days of a bold Leno sticking up for comedian's rights to now: most young working comics have given up on the clubs, make their way in obscurity and once in awhile do an audition that might exploit them just to say, "We are here!"

It reminds me of "Horton Hears a Who." Maybe if we comedians could be pursuaded by or heard by someone powerful... If we collectively make as much noise as possible we will prove our existence. I'm holding out for a Horton till the morning light.

*Fun fact about Jay Mohr! Years ago he venutred forth and played the Ye Olde Tripple Inn back when it was a really rough open mic. Forget Jerry McGuire, he had me at "Tripple Inn."

Decorate a Canadian dude's Apartment with Your Propaganda!

Go ahead, you won't regret it.

Ferber? I Hardly Know 'er!

So here's a glowing review of the short film I was in called Room Tone. Since I like praise, I'll let the fact that he calls me Susie Ferber slide. I personally thought I was pretty shite in this. Oh, I know what you're thinking, "You Susie? Bringer of levity and joy to tens of tens of people? How can this be?"

I don't know...sure I'm normally a brilliant and finely nuanced actress. Why one need only look at my multiple appearances on Late Night with Conan O'Brien to see my breadth and range! On Conan I have not only played a whore, but also a prostitute, a hooker, a lady of the night and a ho. My brother says that if I take a few more acting classes and study hard I may someday snag the role of streetwalker. A gal can dream.

In this case, however, I think maybe the reviewer needs to put the cap back on the glue.

Where Are You Now?
or
Google for Good, not Evil

Scientists spend oodles of money broadcasting radio waves into space, hoping another planet says "Yo!" back. This is a much more effective and likely way to find signs of intelligent life. Here I list people who knew as a nerdy lass and liked. People who now and again float across my consciousness and am still curious about. Hopefully they, or someone they know, will be bored at work one day and find their most honorable mentions here and I will find out where in heck and what in heck they are now.

Important caveat: the people I list here are not "old flames" by any means, nor are the recollections particularly interesting. It's an experiment. As such it is probably of no interest to you, casual anonymous blog reader, who only came here searching for some quality goat porn.

Glen Shor
Valedictorian of our high school class. Serious, smart but always ready for a laugh. Making Glen laugh was one of the most satisfying feelings. I did a report on Ralph Nader for AP something or other - government? I don't remember. But I do remember bringing in a boom box and after the wind up, hitting play and praising Ralph Nader to the Hallelujah chorus.

Now hang on a pot pickin' second, I need you to know that this was long before Ralph ran for president with the Green Party. Not that I still don't admire Ralph Nader for his good works, but these days one is apt to imagine a woman praising Ralph while blogging in her hemp underoos as she dries her snow-covered Birk's by the fire. No sir. Je suis not one of those Ralph fans.

In any case, it made him laugh and that was always way more important to me than a grade. We were both voted Class Thespian. Though I acted in most every production, the honor was probably bestowed upon me because they thought I liked women. Glen Shor , where are you now?

Howard Delman, Howie Delman
I seem to remember we had very little interaction in high school. How it came to be that one summer we were pen pals, I have no clue. That summer he wrote lengthy letters to me about nothing in particular and I ate them up like catfish. I would say that he was not on my radar as someone who was particularly clever and I mean no offense by that. In person he seemed shy and spoke slowly in a very deep but low voice. Howie's letters revealed brilliant humor, energy and maturity I had not imagined. Being friends so quickly and closely may have scared me? I'm not sure. In any case, our friendship fizzled once the summer ended. The connection was lost in person and amidst the horror that Jericho High School was to me. Most of my close friends lived in other towns and I spent most of my energies getting myself over the wall. So Howie Delman , where are you now?

Well, laundry waits for no woman. Or it does, but neighbor's don't wait to pounce on it and fling it about. And so I must away.

What a Big Famous Comedian Does on a Sunday.

A rare glimpse into the glamour stuffed world of Susie.

1. Consider shower. Dog needing walk asap in freezing temps, makes me forgo shower as I am putting myself at risk for developing hairsicicles.

2. Walk dog. It's so cold I contract gonorrhea just for the burning sensation.* Decide to hoof it over to McNulty's coffee emporium, so as to cleverly save money and bask at how clever I am by making my own latte. Learn McNulty's is closed until 1PM on Sunday.

3. Stroll over to Original Espresso Bar and plunk down 4 bucks for a latte. My mutt gives me the hairy eyeball as I do.

4. Come home, decide shower must wait until after laundry. Previous night's 2 comedy shows plus extra curricular festivities are coming home to roost. Must find out who filled my head with marshmallow fluff. That's not nice. Still, proud I didn't go in for the comedians 4-7:30AM karaoke and diner shift. Clever girl.

5. Defrost freezer! A good idea, but an even better way to avoid working on new script.

6. Laundry has been in dryer for past 3 hours and is probably done. I can hear all my whimsical socks calling my name.

7. It's only 3PM and I eagerly await the bold challenges and adventures that are sure to ensnare me!

Tune in next time to Susie's Sunday... the day when anything can happen, but usually doesn't.

*I know, this is one of the oldest jokes on the planet. In fact, it was first told way back when the earth was still cooling and dinosaurs ruled the earth. What cracked them up in the caves, still gets me.**

**Yeah, I KNOW dinos and man didn't live at the same time, but cut me a little slack, OK? I don't come to your blog and knock the dick out of your hand.***

***Sorry, that was uncalled for. You know I love you, baby. Who's the cutest blog reader? YOU ARE! Yes. you. are.

Shameless Self Promo: Part the Second*

3rd Annual Charity Comedy Jam
Saturday night, January 18th, 10:00pm
Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery between Bleeker and Houston.
Proceeds to benefit HELP USA (www.helpusa.org).
This show has sold out both times before - so get your tickets in advance at www.onyourfeetproject.org

*What? You want maybe to hear about my mundane life? OK fine. My dog is currently sleeping upside down on the couch, sunning his balls on an heirloom quilt.


The lineup:

Craig Baldo: From Comedy Central's Premium Blend and NBC's Late Friday

Bridget Smith and Amy Crossfield: From Comedy Central's Laugh Riots

Jen Kirwin: From the Montreal Comedy Festival

Rebecca Tingley: From Comedy Central's Laugh Riots

Demetri Martin: From Letterman and Conan

Eugene Mirman: From Conan and NBC's Late Friday

Susie Felber: From Conan and Caroline's on Broadway

Shameless Self-Promo
I'm performing in the Ha! Comedy Festival, twice this January.
I'm hosting a fabulous stand-up show:
Thursday, Jan 30, 8pm @ The St. Marks Theater / $7 ($5, students/seniors) Susie Felber hosts, with comics Becky Donahue, John Mooney, Leo Allen and Andrew Donnelly.
and then I'm doing a Staged Reading I'm writing called "Staged Reading." That's January 28th at 7PM in the Red Room (E4th Street between 2nd and 3rd, upstairs above KGB bar) & it's Free.

Right now I'd much rather give you the links to the Ha! Fest's site, than actually work on my script. So here you go*...

Ha! Comedy Festival

*yeah, that's a picture of me in a cage. shaddup.

Award For Most Popular Thing to Post on all Personal Blogs

Winner: The post in which the blog owner shares all the wacky searches that led people to his/her blog.

Runner up: The post in which the person tells you about their mundane life convinced that they're cool because they freely admit that they're a sad lame nerd-o.

Congratulations to all the Winners!*

*See Irene Cara's song in the 1986-ish Academy Awards in which she sings "Here's To The Losers" during a montage of non-Oscar winning films. Contains the classic line, "Losers can be winners after all."

I Hope

I hope the artist who wrote,
"If assholes could fly,
this place would be an airport"
isn't starving.

I Hate

I hate everyone at the coffee bar,
especially,
the people with notebooks and laptops
because they remind me of myself.

I Think

I think men over 35
should only be seen sporting really long hair
in the ID picture they keep in their wallet
to show people they were once cool.

Greeting Cards Waiting to be Made

Friend,
I really appreciate you and you brighten my day
(open card)
Now stop forwarding me internet jokes!

Congratulations on your new baby!
(open card)
Please send me a picture when it no longer resembles a squid.

You Are Very Special
(open card)
But I don't tip at coffee bars

Mid Term Elections
A pal of mine co-wrote this. It does rock. From The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Watch it. Now.
http://www.comedycentral.com/includes/rpmdirect.jhtml?ram=dailyshow%2Findy2002%2Ftdsrocks_300.rm

The Daily Show Rocks the Mid Term Elections
Amazing Schoolhouse Rock parody. My pal Eric worked on it, to boot! No, I did not work on it, just adore it.
Watch it now

My Guy: a newspaper man
Me: bad at confrontation
The result

Wednesday, 23 October, 2002, 14:58 GMT 15:58 UK
Men's Undies Found on Bed

A pair of undies mysteriously appeared yet again on a bed at 42 Perry
Street. In a shocking development, the undies appear to have been used
recently.

A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous said, "What kind of monster would
leave their sweaty boxer shorts on a bed? I am really frightened that this
could spread very quickly to my floor."
A source close to the underwear said, "woof. yuck. woof. I woof, sleep here
woof."

Although no one knows how or why this has happened, police are speculating
wildly as to the identity of the undie-owner, now known world-wide as "The
Flinger." The chief of police said, "Sadly, we can not rule out terrorist
activity. The underwear may be a tactic by some rogue nation to beat down
the spirit of the American people." CNN has devoted round the clock
coverage to The Flinger. News leaked this morning revealed the pair of
men's panties were black, leaving police to fear that this perhaps signaled
an even more sinister turn to The Flinger's actions. To try and crack the
case, experts have been called to try and find out why each individual
undergarment is dubbed "a pair."

The woman who discovered the underwear on her bed is trying to recover, but
is said to be in "very pissed off" condition.

I am a known Terrierist.
As I harbor Stan,
a member of the Al Cutea network.

(apologies to everyone everywhere)

You
or
Strolling on 7th avenue
by Susie

Through the pizza place window
sticking your pinky in your ear,
wielding it like a corkscrew
I see you.

At the West Village dog boutique
by Susie

The definition of a total bummer,
is to find that dog sweaters
are not on sale
even in the height of summer.

I don't like people who, to prove how large something is,
tell you how many times these things laid end-to-end would go around the earth.
If I ever meet someone who does that,
I will snub them.

Do this search on Google, "laid end to end would circle the earth"
and you will find out:

More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured in the US annually. If these
were laid end to end, they would circle the earth nine times.

If 75 billion tortillas were laid end to end, they would stretch across
the US 1178 times or circle the earth 338 times.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions
each year which, if laid end to end, would circle the earth 28 times.

YKK corp. annually produces fasteners for jeans which, if laid end to end, would stretch 480,000 kilometers, sufficient to circle the Earth 12 times.

If every Barbie doll ever manufactured were laid end to end, they would circle the earth three-and-one-half times.

Laid end-to-end, California's unrecycled beverage containers would circle the earth nearly seven times.

The length of the cables used in the Akashi Kaikyo Bridge bridge totals 300,000 kilometers. That's enough to circle the earth 7.5 times!

The international beer market will soon use more than 302 billion containers a year, which - if laid end-to-end - would circle the earth more than 1,050 times!

If all of the strands that make up the cables of the George Washington Bridge were laid end to end, they would circle the earth four times.

Trex co. estimates that it takes 2.7 billion plastic grocery bags out of the waste stream each year, which if laid end to end, would circle the earth about 22 times.

A billion dollar bills laid end to end would circle the globe at the equator four times.

If you laid down a trillion dollars end to end, it would circle the earth 3,882 times!

If all the glass bottles and jars that get recycled in Canada each year were laid end to end, they would circle the earth more than four times

Since 1917, U.S. Gypsum Co. has produced enough Sheetrock to circle the equator 551 times.

All the Spam cans ever produced would circle the earth almost 13 times.

Laid end to end, the sheets of paper used in personal computers each year would circle the Earth over 800 times.

Not much bigger than a fist, the human heart beats 100,000 times each day, sending about 2,000 gallons of blood coursing through vessels, which, laid end-to-end, would be long enough to circle the earth more than twice.

BUT another site says "If the blood vessels of an adult were lined up end to end, they would circle the
equator four times!"

Who's right? I want to stretch these end-to-end people end from end to find out.

IN CONCLUSION
The claims are too dull to check their veracity.
The recycling business is most prone to use this gimmick. I spared you so many finds! Recyclers want you to picture garbage and feel really awed and guilty. But the end-to-end bit is tired.
The people who make these stats really need to get laid end to end.

Trivial things I've read that effect my day to day routine in some small way. 1st in a series.

1. Rasberries have more fiber than any other berry.
2. Blueberries have more cancer fighting stuff than any other berry.
3. In a public bathroom, the stall closest to the door is the least used and it is usually the cleanest.
4. A cup of coffee will boost your metabolism and you will burn more calories for a few hours afterwards.
5. Caffine does not boost your metabolism.