Fluent in Corpobullglish
Today I came across an amazingly long and incredibly unfun Web producer job listing. The job listing ended with a wrap up of some skills a potential hire should possess. Below, check out a few of those skills, and my handy dandy guide to what they mean...
•Set expectations for deliverables and timing and motivate to deliver against them
TRANSLATION: MAKE OTHERS DO YOUR BIDDING -- FAST. CRACK THE WHIP.
•Manage team members through clear objective setting
TRANSLATION: REMIND UNDERLINGS THEIR ASS IS ON THE LINE.
•Promote teamwork and coordination across team members
TRANSLATION: TRY TO KEEP A LID ON THE BITCHING, YA DIG?
•Provide formal evaluations of team members at the close of project
TRANSLATION: YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO BE A JUDGEMENTAL CORPORATE TOOL. A PART OF YOUR SOUL WILL ATROPHY AND DIE. REMEMBER TO LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOW, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
•Ability to pro-actively anticipate obstacles and create solutions
TRANSLATION: DON'T F UP.
•Experienced with managing multiple projects simultaneously
TRANSLATION: WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU DO THE WORK OF FOUR PEOPLE. THE FOUR WE JUST FIRED AND/OR THE FOUR WHO JUST QUIT.
•Able to work effectively and collaboratively with other clients and vendors
TRANSLATION: YOUR JOB IS MAKING THESE LOONS WE WORK FOR HAPPY. YOU WILL HAVE TO KISS MORE ASS THAN SOMEONE WHO MAKES A LIVING MAKING OUT WITH DONKEYS.
•Able to bring structure to ambiguous situations
TRANSLATION: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING. HELP!
•Solid understanding of various development processes
TRANSLATION: MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? WE HAVE NO CLUE! HELP! HEEEEEELLLLLLLP!
•Ability to proactively manage risk
TRANSLATION: CUT DOWN ON FATTY FOODS AS THIS JOB WILL LIKELY GIVE YOU A STRESS-INDUCED HEART ATTACK.
•Ability to maintain and develop positive client relationships
TRANSLATION: PLEASE DON'T QUIT AND SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS BREAKING.
•Solution based problem solving
TRANSLATION: YOUR FUTURE BOSS IS SO CLUELESS YOU MUST DO HIS JOB. HE WILL GET THE BIG SALARY AND ALL THE CREDIT. ALSO, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE HYPHENS, DO YOU?
NOTE: No loyal fans, I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking for a F/T babysitter, 'member?