Last night I watched a few minutes of a few network programs for the first time. Here are my reviews.
"Wow, these people are hot. Really hot. Annoying reality-show hot. Oh, there's the hispanic fat guy. Even he has fabulous hair that isn't frizzy after a crash. Almost all the guys are hot. Shoot, I can't tell them apart. And it's a mystery drama? It'll take me weeks just to figure out which buff hot guy is which. Short hair, dirty blonde hair, toned jaw clenching types. They even have similar adorable little plane crash scrapes on their cheeks. Why are all the ugly people minorities? Where's the screaming baby? I've never taken a flight without one. No. Won't be watching this again. "
CSI: NEW YORK
"Wow, cool rock intro theme. Is that The Who? Nice. That's network money for ya. Oh look, it's Gary Sinese. He's a famous movie actor, right? And on TV now? Guess that's because he's not hot. Look! A hot female scientist! Oh, there's another hot female scientist with perfect makeup! And another hot female investigator, but this one has an accent. Wow, the labs look like hot clubs -- nice buttery lighting -- and hot music plays as they do stuff in gloves and lab coats. See how that magnifying glass shot just shows in full relief how perfect her makeup is? Oh, back to the mystery. Bored. Oh look! More test tubes and music and great lipstick! OK, I'm bored."
LAW AND ORDER
"BANG CLANG. I love how they go from scene to scene with that BANG CLANG. You get a tiny bit of information from a witness and then BANG CLANG. The story is really good. Possible evil plastic surgeon. Why are all the female lawyers so much younger than the male lawyers and cops? BANG CLANG. I don't care if I ever see this again. BANG CLANG. GULITY -- he didn't get off and neither did I --BANG CLANG."