Unreality Bites
By Susie Felber
Written & performed 3/3/2017at the Signature Theater NYC
as part of the 24 Hour Plays
Bennington College Alumni Spencer Cox benefit
Writer: Susie Felber
as part of the 24 Hour Plays
Bennington College Alumni Spencer Cox benefit
Writer: Susie Felber
Director: Paul Cello
Brandie Nicole Wilson – Jane
Laurel Johnson – Mindy
Andrew Plimpton – Brandon
Nick DiLeonardi – Count Tackula
Props: Rooster head, Tape roll, Smoking jacket red side out (for Nick), animal claw, clipboard
Stage black. We hear a woman, Jane, yell “NOOOOO!”
Jane
(arrives breathless)
Mindy — stop!
Mindy
(holding a pen and clipboard)
Stop? Jane — what are you doing here?
Jane
Don’t sign. That. Lease.
Mindy
Oh seriously, sis. It’s not that bad.
Jane
It is that bad. Put the pen down.
Mindy
What? Is it because this place looks like the piano bar of the damned? Or like Beauty divorced Beast, and she took him for everything, and he hasn’t had a chance to go shopping at Ikea yet?
Jane
Yes, it does… but that’s not it.
Mindy
Bottom line: it’s in Manhattan, and together, Brandon and I can afford it.
Brandon enters. He’s looking around, running his hands on the bar.
Brandon
(looking around and marveling)
Exposed brick. It’s like the outdoors — is in!
Mindy
Don’t you love the floors? Oh look, there are outlets! I can dry my hair standing in the middle of the room!
Brandon
Sweet! Oooh, does the chandelier stay? Fan-say!
Jane
I don’t care if the chandelier stays. He must go.
Mindy
Oh please! You’ve never liked any of my boyfriends.
Jane
No this is different.
(Jane points)
He. Is. A. Werewolf.
Mindy
(shocked)
A werewolf?
…I was afraid you’d tell me he was a vegan.
Brandon
I love you, babe.
Jane
I’m serious.
Mindy
How do you know he’s a werewolf?
Jane
His Twitter bio says “I’m a werewolf. Get crazy once a month, but proudly rampage-free for 5 years.”
Brandon
You forgot I also say “retweets are not endorsements.” That’s important.
Mindy
OK, yeah, once a month I tape him down, throw some live chickens in, and – go get a pedicure. No big whoop!
Jane
You knew!? Knew he was a — werewolf!
Brandon
Well, I prefer the term “lunar-challenged” but… guilty as charged! So what? There’s nothing in the lease that says no werewolves. (He howls long and hard)
Jane
Look sis, you are putting yourself in grave danger…
Mindy
Sorry but I know Brandon. He’s not like other werewolves.
Brandon
Aw… That’s right. I’m super careful not to bite or scratch her.
Jane
Do you like making love to a man who wears mittens?
Mindy
Everyone needs to use protection
Nick enters he’s wearing the red smoking jacket and munching on the rooster head. Wipes his arm across his mouth and chucks the head and says, “Ahhh!”
Count Tackula
Yo, bro, what’s up?
Jane
Who is this?
Nick and Andrew do a howl and an elaborate hand slap-type greeting
Count Tackula
I’ve known this guy since he was a pup. He headlocks him and affectionately “noogies” his head with his fist. Hey, bro, I saved you the best part.
Nick pulls the claw out of his jacket and offers it to Andrew. Andrew high fives, goes to snack on it like jerky.
Jane
(backing away)
You’re a werewolf too…
Count Tackula
Ha! A werewolf? Seriously? I guess I need a shave. No, no, not a werewolf.
Jane
Oh. Sorry. I assumed…
Count Tackula
I’m a vampire.
Jane
Ohmygod.
Mindy
When he wears that jacket we call him “Count Tack-ula.”
Everyone but Brandie laughs
Count Tackula
(to Jane)
If Mindy had dated me, she wouldn’t be looking at rentals. (he looks around, does his best Bette Davis) What a dump! We vampires, if you haven’t noticed, always have sweet pads.
Mindy
If only I didn’t find satin and velvet a turn off. Jane here though… she’s a real night owl.
Count Tackula
You don’t say? So Jane, I vant to suck your blood. You vant to suck anything of mine?
Jane
You disgust me.
Count Tackula
Your eyes say no, but your neck says yes yes…
Jane
Ugh.
Mindy
Leave her alone, Tackula.
Count Tackula
(angry)
Oh really? She treats me like some common zombie, and I’m supposed to take that?
Brandon
Man, the undead get no respect!
Mindy
She dated a monster once…
Brandon
Are you calling my bestie a monster?
Mindy
No, she literally dated a monster. Frankenstein’s monster.
Jane
(she gets wistful)
I liked the strong silent type… I could deal with the protesters… the West Villagers showing up at our apartment with flaming torches. I loved him. Supported him. But in the end, every night — “FIRE BAD! TRUMP BAD!” — I mean, of course I agree, but… I needed more…
Count Tackula
That bites.
(He goes over and hugs Jane with one arm, she is comforted)
Brandon
Oh no…
Jane
What?
Mindy
Honey, is it your time of the month?
Brandon
Not… good… GAH!
Brandon is straining against invisible forces… his hair moves back and forth.
Mindy
Oh no… his hair! (in a low dramatic voice) It begins…
Brandon
Mindy… get the tape… NOW!
Mindy gets tape (from a pocketbook?) begins to try and tape him to the chair.
Count Tackula
Get the tape? What the hell? Looks like Andrew is answering “the call of the mild.”
Brandon
Shut up! Not. Funny. Want… Blood…
Count Tackula
He wants blood. Funny thing. I’ve got a hankering too.
Brandon rips the tape out of Mindy’s hands.
Count Tackula
(the hug turns into something sinister, he goes for Jane’s neck)
Fasten your seatbelts — it’s going to be a bumpy night.
Jane loses it, screams horror-style. Then they all freeze like a sitcom, and then come out of character to talk to the audience. If the audience starts clapping, then Brandie has to get them to stop.
Brandie
Hi, I’m Brandie, the actress who was about to get eaten by a werewolf and bitten by a vampire. I just want to say that the play you just watched, was highly sexist. The women were portrayed as victims. The men -- blood thirsty animals.
Laurel
And I’m Laurel, the girlfriend of a werewolf. Plays like these only perpetuate stereotypes – a woman overlooking a partner’s fatal flaws because she can’t afford the rent in New York City on her own? Get real …OK it’s real, but, it makes me so angry, I’m going to go home after the show and leave this play a terrible Yelp review.
Brandie
(aside to Laurel)
Is that even possible?
Laurel
I hope so…
Andrew
I’m Andrew. This play offended me as well, because if you were dating a werewolf, you’d know damn well when the full moon was. Amiright?
Nick
I’m Nick. There’s a serious point here: If someone you know is dating a dangerous mythological or folkloric creature, don’t wait until they are about to sign a lease. Speak up. Take action. Silver bullets, wooden crosses, or fire — might just save a life.
