Felber’s College Guide
Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.
Harvard University
Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.
Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.
Who gets admitted?
Asians
Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.
University of Virginia
Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.
Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.
Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take
Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!
SUNY Albany
Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.
Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.
Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.
Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.
Bennington College
Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.
Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.
Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.
Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.
Smith College
Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.
Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.
Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+
Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.
Earlham College
Pros:
You won’t intimidate people
Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”
Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream
Did you know?
It really exists.
