Nerdtastic
Busy today so this post will be light on my trademark outrageous barbs of hilarity.
But you will get a sneak peek into my ultra glam life.
I have a new favorite site. This is the place I go when not cramming into a bathroom stall at B8 with Lindsay Lohan, Alan Rickman and Buddy Hackett's lifeless corpse.
Hummingbirds.net
It's an incredibly dense site full of all the information a bird nerd like me could want and then some. The Spring 2005 Ruby-throated Hummingbird migration map is what really turns me on -- yes, the talk of Hummers coming is HOT and no, they aren't talking about a car or a sexual act.
The site sells nothing, reaps no benefits from recommending products and seems to be the product of one person's obsession.
So I thank you, Lanny Chambers. Sites like yours make the web a many splendid thing.
Too much sincerity? Too little snark?
Too bad.
If you want to roll with Felber, you best be reportin' your first hummer.
Word to your Archilochus colubris and sporadic Rufous sightings.
Peace and I'm outta here.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
An Open Letter to Showtime and Tara Reid
Dear Showtime,
I see you've been creating a lot of buzz lately! Awesome!
You know, I sometimes think of actually subscribing to your channel.
But then I think, “nahhh.”
What I’m saying is, you either need to make better programs or blow up HBO.
Good luck!
Susie
PS I love Penn & Teller so I bought their DVD. Score one point for you.
Dear Tara Reid,
I know what you look like, I’ve heard of your outrageous party behavior and I’ve seen your infamous “nipple slip” photo. The crazy thing is, I have no idea what you do. As you are a blonde with big gazongas, I’m guessing you are an actress? If so, is there anything I may have seen you in?
Actually, I have no advice for you girlie. You are obviously doing something right.
Keep up the good work!
Your pal,
Susie
Dear Showtime,
I see you've been creating a lot of buzz lately! Awesome!
You know, I sometimes think of actually subscribing to your channel.
But then I think, “nahhh.”
What I’m saying is, you either need to make better programs or blow up HBO.
Good luck!
Susie
PS I love Penn & Teller so I bought their DVD. Score one point for you.
Dear Tara Reid,
I know what you look like, I’ve heard of your outrageous party behavior and I’ve seen your infamous “nipple slip” photo. The crazy thing is, I have no idea what you do. As you are a blonde with big gazongas, I’m guessing you are an actress? If so, is there anything I may have seen you in?
Actually, I have no advice for you girlie. You are obviously doing something right.
Keep up the good work!
Your pal,
Susie
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
A Personal Note to Rich Eccentrics who read this Blog
Dear Rich Eccentric,
Hi! Thanks for stopping by! As you are rich and eccentric, you probably find that it can be difficult to sift through all the things you can drop gobs of cash on in today’s world. So many kooky items, so little time, right? And need I even mention all the wacky/misguided causes campaigning to receive your largesse? I think not!
I’ve never asked for a donation for my blog (Are there no poorhouses?), nor do I have an “Amazon wish list” posted (Are there no libraries?).
No, I find all that very tacky, and I personally don’t think these people aim high enough.
Now you, rich eccentric, know about aiming high.
Because you, rich eccentric, are a go getter who worked your butt off and made a fortune on some crazy scheme, or you were born into money and think the lower classes just aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, you are all about self-reliance and outrageous success!
So, I figure you could relate to my aiming high. I am running a contest for Rich Eccentrics. The winner gets to buy me two tickets to the June 29th Jacques Pepin Dinner Package sponsored by and benefiting WLIW public television.
For a piddling $575 you can support a good cause and I, a very nice person if I do say so myself, can have two tickets to drink wine, eat a five-course meal and meet a cooking genius.
Pepin is a genius? Tell me more!
OK.
Yes, I know that it’s often difficult to cut through the accent and know what Jacques is saying. Why the other day I was shouting at the TV, “What did he just grind up and put on the salmon? It sounded like ‘mrfulefffle’ but it looks like…acorns…maybe?”
And sure, when Pepin pops food into his mouth on camera, it’s the opposite of Nigella Lawson-sexy. And yes, he doesn't mean to hurt but he can say little things that make you feel like an American pig like, "Actually we never make dessert at home, but if I have guests, I might make..." And of course, I know his constantly dirty hands can skeeve you out.
But:
Have you ever seen him show you how to turn all your old moldy cheese into a symphony of flavor? Or watched as he made a cassoulet 1, 2, 3? Or have you seen Pepin segment an orange in two seconds flat? It’s like poetry – except without the annoying feeling that you’re probably missing something.
That's the thing about Jacques . Like fine food and wine, it takes maturity and a love of food to appreciate him. If you would just as easily fling your food in the air than eat it, need a live band or a catch phrase to jazz up your cooking technique or if you are childish enough to "Oooh" and "Ahhh" like guilty little children when someone adds a fattening ingredient, you probably prefer a twinkie-weight TV chef.
Now that I've made my case, I know what you’re thinking… "What will I as a Rich Eccentric get out of this deal other than encouraging your liberal, boring-ass television? I mean, I don't even get to come with you? Sorry, but that sounds worse than a raw food diet."
Oh, you’re not thinking that? You really have way too much money and too little time to spend it? Excellent. Email me and I’ll tell you where to mail the tickets.
Official rules: Offer is limited to one (1) Rich Eccentric. In the event of multiple Rich Eccentrics chomping at the bit to send Susie to the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package, Susie will choose an Alternate Lovely Thing to receive. Every effort will be made to make Alternate Lovely Thing of equal or greater value than the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package. Possible gifts include but are not limited to: iPods, iPod docking stations, fancy digital camera, a new bicycle, or an absurdly indulgent spa treatment. Chances of winning depend upon the number of Rich Eccentrics participating. Good luck!
Dear Rich Eccentric,
Hi! Thanks for stopping by! As you are rich and eccentric, you probably find that it can be difficult to sift through all the things you can drop gobs of cash on in today’s world. So many kooky items, so little time, right? And need I even mention all the wacky/misguided causes campaigning to receive your largesse? I think not!
I’ve never asked for a donation for my blog (Are there no poorhouses?), nor do I have an “Amazon wish list” posted (Are there no libraries?).
No, I find all that very tacky, and I personally don’t think these people aim high enough.
Now you, rich eccentric, know about aiming high.
Because you, rich eccentric, are a go getter who worked your butt off and made a fortune on some crazy scheme, or you were born into money and think the lower classes just aren’t trying hard enough. Either way, you are all about self-reliance and outrageous success!
So, I figure you could relate to my aiming high. I am running a contest for Rich Eccentrics. The winner gets to buy me two tickets to the June 29th Jacques Pepin Dinner Package sponsored by and benefiting WLIW public television.
For a piddling $575 you can support a good cause and I, a very nice person if I do say so myself, can have two tickets to drink wine, eat a five-course meal and meet a cooking genius.
Pepin is a genius? Tell me more!
OK.
Yes, I know that it’s often difficult to cut through the accent and know what Jacques is saying. Why the other day I was shouting at the TV, “What did he just grind up and put on the salmon? It sounded like ‘mrfulefffle’ but it looks like…acorns…maybe?”
And sure, when Pepin pops food into his mouth on camera, it’s the opposite of Nigella Lawson-sexy. And yes, he doesn't mean to hurt but he can say little things that make you feel like an American pig like, "Actually we never make dessert at home, but if I have guests, I might make..." And of course, I know his constantly dirty hands can skeeve you out.
But:
Have you ever seen him show you how to turn all your old moldy cheese into a symphony of flavor? Or watched as he made a cassoulet 1, 2, 3? Or have you seen Pepin segment an orange in two seconds flat? It’s like poetry – except without the annoying feeling that you’re probably missing something.
That's the thing about Jacques . Like fine food and wine, it takes maturity and a love of food to appreciate him. If you would just as easily fling your food in the air than eat it, need a live band or a catch phrase to jazz up your cooking technique or if you are childish enough to "Oooh" and "Ahhh" like guilty little children when someone adds a fattening ingredient, you probably prefer a twinkie-weight TV chef.
Now that I've made my case, I know what you’re thinking… "What will I as a Rich Eccentric get out of this deal other than encouraging your liberal, boring-ass television? I mean, I don't even get to come with you? Sorry, but that sounds worse than a raw food diet."
Oh, you’re not thinking that? You really have way too much money and too little time to spend it? Excellent. Email me and I’ll tell you where to mail the tickets.
Official rules: Offer is limited to one (1) Rich Eccentric. In the event of multiple Rich Eccentrics chomping at the bit to send Susie to the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package, Susie will choose an Alternate Lovely Thing to receive. Every effort will be made to make Alternate Lovely Thing of equal or greater value than the Jacques Pepin Dinner Package. Possible gifts include but are not limited to: iPods, iPod docking stations, fancy digital camera, a new bicycle, or an absurdly indulgent spa treatment. Chances of winning depend upon the number of Rich Eccentrics participating. Good luck!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
An Open Letter to People in NYC who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops
Dear People who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops,
You add a lot of atmosphere! It’s amazing how, in your great numbers, you have made all the nice cafes in the city seem exactly like serving detention in my Jr. High School study hall -- and yet you are too old to be students! I am impressed by how you sit there for ages, taking up a whole table after only buying one coffee and maybe a biscotti.
Personally I would be embarrassed, but you have cahones!
I also think it’s cool how you all seem really into and passionate about your work. Like when I go to a café with a friend, and we start laughing about something, you always look over to scowl at us for disturbing your work. That never fails to make us feel bad -- and make you look like a tortured genius!
But I also like it when y'all form a ring around me at the cafe looking miserable, yet chic, as you use both your laptops and your iPods at once. Nothing says, "I will go to any length to have humanity leave me the fuck alone, so piss off and die" better. Sometimes I imagine the iPod ear buds are actually earmuffs just to have a little taste of what it'd be like being married to Jonathan Franzen!
Anyway, I know that if you ever decided to stop working on your laptop and actually talk to me, you’d tell me all about your screenplay. Then you’d find out that in the world of small-time artists, I’m actually way more successful and connected than you. Then, while you were trying to pump me for information, I’d be nice but make you feel really small for being a desperate, unpublished, unproduced, socially retarded aspiring artist. I’m actually a nice person, but I think this proves the theory that those who are abused (by people with laptops in cafes) become abusers themselves…
Actually, did you know I really like artists? Some of my best friends are artists. Specifically, all of them. And I like places that artists frequent. But as writing, designing, philosphizin' and all that are usually very solitary pursuits, I would think that cafe culture would be a great place for like-minded people to exchange ideas, sing bawdy songs and get jacked up on coffee and/or get shitfaced. Is it that you are not solitary people? Are you performing artists? If so, why do you have laptops? To my mind an actor needs a laptop as much as a fish needs a 401k. But I digress...
I am so perplexed by your taking up every seat in the cafes all day long and leaving no room for others, that I wondered... could it be that you are all homeless? It seemed absurd, especially because you all dress so much better than I do. But then I thought, perhaps you poor things have spent all your rent money on clothes. If so, please forgive me!
Or is it simply that you hate our consumer culture and so you get your kicks by ensuring that each capitalist business will be forced to fold due to your sit-in protests that are silent save for the tapping of your fingers on the computer keys? If this is the case, fine. But would you change your mind if you knew that these cafes are independently owned and operated?
For example, when you go to Jack's, that tall, dark and handsome guy behind the counter? He is named Jack and no, it's not a coincidence. Jack is a former actor who has invested his life savings in a place that seats about 20 people on a good day. He provides you with fresh baked organic excellentness that's either locally bought or from fair trade. He also hangs your art and puts on a variety of entertainment at night, to give artists a venue.
So, if you want to stick it to The Man, why not take your agression out on a chain? Why not join your cheap-ass brothers and sisters who are currently doing the good work by sitting for hours on end and buying nothing at Barnes & Noble?
In any case, I do want to thank you as well, for never going to the beautiful library we have in the nabe. At Jefferson Market I love how, when I want to do work somewhere other than my apartment (BTW did you know them laptops work at home as well? For real!), the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows, there are large tables and there are comfy chairs. And there's usually absolutely no one in the joint other than one or two retired dudes and a librarian.
I'll admit I was worried that this urban oasis would become overrun because it would seem like a natural for you people since it's free, completely peaceful and you don't have to buy that one measly cup of coffee to set up for as long as you want. But no, for the past six years, the library has not occured to you as an option.
Anyway, I was thinking... maybe if you didn’t take your laptop with you every time you went out, you might just meet someone and then you'd have a friend you could laugh with over cup after cup of coffee? Just a crazy thought…
See you at Doma, Jack's, Joe's, etc.!
Susie
Dear People who Bring Laptops to My Favorite Coffee Shops,
You add a lot of atmosphere! It’s amazing how, in your great numbers, you have made all the nice cafes in the city seem exactly like serving detention in my Jr. High School study hall -- and yet you are too old to be students! I am impressed by how you sit there for ages, taking up a whole table after only buying one coffee and maybe a biscotti.
Personally I would be embarrassed, but you have cahones!
I also think it’s cool how you all seem really into and passionate about your work. Like when I go to a café with a friend, and we start laughing about something, you always look over to scowl at us for disturbing your work. That never fails to make us feel bad -- and make you look like a tortured genius!
But I also like it when y'all form a ring around me at the cafe looking miserable, yet chic, as you use both your laptops and your iPods at once. Nothing says, "I will go to any length to have humanity leave me the fuck alone, so piss off and die" better. Sometimes I imagine the iPod ear buds are actually earmuffs just to have a little taste of what it'd be like being married to Jonathan Franzen!
Anyway, I know that if you ever decided to stop working on your laptop and actually talk to me, you’d tell me all about your screenplay. Then you’d find out that in the world of small-time artists, I’m actually way more successful and connected than you. Then, while you were trying to pump me for information, I’d be nice but make you feel really small for being a desperate, unpublished, unproduced, socially retarded aspiring artist. I’m actually a nice person, but I think this proves the theory that those who are abused (by people with laptops in cafes) become abusers themselves…
Actually, did you know I really like artists? Some of my best friends are artists. Specifically, all of them. And I like places that artists frequent. But as writing, designing, philosphizin' and all that are usually very solitary pursuits, I would think that cafe culture would be a great place for like-minded people to exchange ideas, sing bawdy songs and get jacked up on coffee and/or get shitfaced. Is it that you are not solitary people? Are you performing artists? If so, why do you have laptops? To my mind an actor needs a laptop as much as a fish needs a 401k. But I digress...
I am so perplexed by your taking up every seat in the cafes all day long and leaving no room for others, that I wondered... could it be that you are all homeless? It seemed absurd, especially because you all dress so much better than I do. But then I thought, perhaps you poor things have spent all your rent money on clothes. If so, please forgive me!
Or is it simply that you hate our consumer culture and so you get your kicks by ensuring that each capitalist business will be forced to fold due to your sit-in protests that are silent save for the tapping of your fingers on the computer keys? If this is the case, fine. But would you change your mind if you knew that these cafes are independently owned and operated?
For example, when you go to Jack's, that tall, dark and handsome guy behind the counter? He is named Jack and no, it's not a coincidence. Jack is a former actor who has invested his life savings in a place that seats about 20 people on a good day. He provides you with fresh baked organic excellentness that's either locally bought or from fair trade. He also hangs your art and puts on a variety of entertainment at night, to give artists a venue.
So, if you want to stick it to The Man, why not take your agression out on a chain? Why not join your cheap-ass brothers and sisters who are currently doing the good work by sitting for hours on end and buying nothing at Barnes & Noble?
In any case, I do want to thank you as well, for never going to the beautiful library we have in the nabe. At Jefferson Market I love how, when I want to do work somewhere other than my apartment (BTW did you know them laptops work at home as well? For real!), the sun is streaming through the stained glass windows, there are large tables and there are comfy chairs. And there's usually absolutely no one in the joint other than one or two retired dudes and a librarian.
I'll admit I was worried that this urban oasis would become overrun because it would seem like a natural for you people since it's free, completely peaceful and you don't have to buy that one measly cup of coffee to set up for as long as you want. But no, for the past six years, the library has not occured to you as an option.
Anyway, I was thinking... maybe if you didn’t take your laptop with you every time you went out, you might just meet someone and then you'd have a friend you could laugh with over cup after cup of coffee? Just a crazy thought…
See you at Doma, Jack's, Joe's, etc.!
Susie
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Felber’s College Guide
Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.
Harvard University
Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.
Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.
Who gets admitted?
Asians
Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.
University of Virginia
Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.
Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.
Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take
Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!
SUNY Albany
Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.
Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.
Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.
Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.
Bennington College
Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.
Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.
Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.
Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.
Smith College
Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.
Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.
Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+
Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.
Earlham College
Pros:
You won’t intimidate people
Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”
Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream
Did you know?
It really exists.
Here’s a new public service I’m providing for young minds that are eager to cut through the clutter and find the right school for them. You’re welcome.
Harvard University
Pros:
Your parents can now die happy.
Cons:
This will likely be the most interesting thing that ever happens to you.
Who gets admitted?
Asians
Did you know?
All Harvard graduates are offered a highly-paid comedy writing job upon graduation – they simply roll the contracts into the diplomas.
University of Virginia
Pros:
Better weather than most schools for smarty pants.
Cons:
Keep telling yourself it’s “The Harvard of the South” and maybe the pangs of disappointment will go away.
Who gets admitted?
People that Harvard wouldn’t take
Did you know?
Joining UVA’s numerous Frats, Sororities and sports can help erase those traumatic high school memories!
SUNY Albany
Pros:
You won’t leave here with a crushing student debt.
Cons:
You only came here because your parents didn’t know how to budget.
Who gets admitted?
Anyone from NY who is not retarded.
Did you know?
The circular, soul-crushing concrete campus was designed specifically to help control violent student riots. I'm serious.
Bennington College
Pros:
A creative environment with wonderful professors on a charming Vermont campus appeals to the student who thrives on independent study.
Cons:
You won’t learn a fucking thing.
Who gets admitted?
Idiot savants, rich kids, guys who tour the campus and realize they can get laid every night of the week with their choice of gender or species.
Did you know?
Like an obsessive mate, you will spend all four years at Bennington College, talking about Bennington College.
Smith College
Pros:
Smart, supportive student body in the heart of east coast college life.
Cons:
If you’re not a lesbian, just give it a week or two.
Who gets admitted?
Brainy women from good families. Once touched inappropriately A+
Did you know?
Your future high-powered husband will ask to hear about your Smith experiences over and over and over again.
Earlham College
Pros:
You won’t intimidate people
Cons:
That funny look people get after you explain you didn’t say, “Emerson.”
Who gets admitted?
People with an application, a crayon and a dream
Did you know?
It really exists.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Punch up your night
I'm doing a show tonight in what Time Out NY called, "a decidedly upscale comedy venue."
Before the word upscale scares your cheap ass off, you should know that the show is absotootly free.
Yup, it's free as the grass grows, wind blows, free.
The comics should be dee-lightful, the venue's vibe is 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Austin Powers' rumpus room and the joint serves up awesome grub such as tempura string beans with a garlicky dipping sauce.
But with this crap weather, courtesy of Ming the Merciless, and the fact that many of my talented comedy buddies are also doing fab comedy shows tonight, I’m afraid the audience’ll be thinner than Nicholas Cage’s hairline…
Ba. (dumb). bum.
Anywho, come see tonight's show at Punch Lounge if you can.
No, wait, let's make this X-treme... come if you dare.
"Jab"
Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st
TONIGHT, Tuesday
Hosted by Katie McCabe
No Cover
Comedy Starts @ 7:30
This week: Michelle Buteau (VH-1)
Kelli Dunham (Gayety)
Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Insomniac)
Susie Felber (MTV2)
After the show, DJ David Handsome spins eclectic pop and new wave.
Drink and appetizer specials run all night
Hope to see you there.
I'm doing a show tonight in what Time Out NY called, "a decidedly upscale comedy venue."
Before the word upscale scares your cheap ass off, you should know that the show is absotootly free.
Yup, it's free as the grass grows, wind blows, free.
The comics should be dee-lightful, the venue's vibe is 2001: A Space Odyssey meets Austin Powers' rumpus room and the joint serves up awesome grub such as tempura string beans with a garlicky dipping sauce.
But with this crap weather, courtesy of Ming the Merciless, and the fact that many of my talented comedy buddies are also doing fab comedy shows tonight, I’m afraid the audience’ll be thinner than Nicholas Cage’s hairline…
Ba. (dumb). bum.
Anywho, come see tonight's show at Punch Lounge if you can.
No, wait, let's make this X-treme... come if you dare.
"Jab"
Punch Lounge
913 Broadway btwn 20th and 21st
TONIGHT, Tuesday
Hosted by Katie McCabe
No Cover
Comedy Starts @ 7:30
This week: Michelle Buteau (VH-1)
Kelli Dunham (Gayety)
Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend)
Rachel Feinstein (Premium Blend, Insomniac)
Susie Felber (MTV2)
After the show, DJ David Handsome spins eclectic pop and new wave.
Drink and appetizer specials run all night
Hope to see you there.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Game ON!
Nope, not the NHL -- ME!
I'm doing comedy tonight:
Sweet Paprika
Village Lantern
8:30PM
(click the above for all the 411)
Come on down, and you can see me be funny plus say you saw me before I checked myself into the hospital suffering from exhaustion. Yes exhaustion.
Not "exhaustion". "Exhaustion" is what Hollywood starlets suffer from. Not sure what it is, but it seems to keep them slim...
No, without the quotation marks, it just means I'm just freakin' tired.
Later luvs,
Me
Nope, not the NHL -- ME!
I'm doing comedy tonight:
Sweet Paprika
Village Lantern
8:30PM
(click the above for all the 411)
Come on down, and you can see me be funny plus say you saw me before I checked myself into the hospital suffering from exhaustion. Yes exhaustion.
Not "exhaustion". "Exhaustion" is what Hollywood starlets suffer from. Not sure what it is, but it seems to keep them slim...
No, without the quotation marks, it just means I'm just freakin' tired.
Later luvs,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)