I currently have a full time gig and I do comedy at night. Heck I'm doing a tiny show in the West Village tonight(full plugola below).
Gone are the heady days when I ran to casting appointments for the likes of Wendy's, but even though I'm no longer auditioning for stuff, I’m still obessed with the day-old casting breakdowns I receive from a source who shall remain anonymous.
I have my own breakdown everytime I cast an eyeball on them, because I always suspected commercials only want beautiful women and hideous/hilarious men. Having the casting breakdowns in front of me is worse, because it validates my paranoia by laying out the ad industry's bias in black and white.
Many of the funny dudes you see in commercials are good friends of mine. I love that these really talented boys can support their art by making buckets of money doing very little work.
But I'm also permapissed that commercials are practically not an option for the interesting funny women I know in comedy. That's why everytime I see another “wacky dork guy embarrasses himself in front of hot chick who has no sense of humor” commercial, I start foaming at the mouth.
Now here's a special treat! Enjoy REAL highlights from 9/21’s casting breakdown. I have redacted the contact information, but everything else is completely legit.
The first is for the lead in a Citibank commercial. They are looking for... drumroll... yet another ugly-ass dude:
[MALE] Caucasian, early 30's-mid 40's, a little offbeat and quirky, yet real. Needs to be able to do natural comedy. Ultimately, would love someone with a comb-over; will take someone who is balding, but with enough hair to build a comb-over, if necessary.
OK, I could show you all the many casting opportunities for hot women and dork men, but I've already grown weary of my bitching about the rampant sexism in commercials. I'm annoying even myself.
So, on a completely different tack, some casting notices can be funny themselves. Enjoy this Vincent-Gallo-with-a make-over-is-affable-leading-man-material.
HELZBERG DIAMONDS - Commercial
Director: Jelle Gerlings
Shoots: Oct. 5, 6, 7
Run: Spot, with Chicago as a major. Also runs on cable.
PLEASE SEND PICTURES/RESUMES TO:
[LEAD HERO GUY] Contemporary, modern, handsome man with presence who looks 35. Very sure of himself yet affable. Prototypes: John Cusack, Ron Livingston, young George Clooney, Vincent Gallo if he had just left the
barber shop. There will aso be print for this role. We should see scale folks and above.
[LEAD FEMALE HERO GIRL] 28-32 looking. She is sophisticated and beautiful with character and a compelling presence. She's more than just a beautiful woman. We should see scale folks and above.
[FEMALE SALESPERSON] Sells the Helzberg Gift Box to the lead guy. Hip and good-looking with a streetwise
edge. Good hands a plus. Scale.
[BARBER] Older character guy with an interesting Avedon-esque face. Scale.
[MOTHER] A natural beauty in her fifties. Scale.
[STREET MUSICIAN] Male, any age, natural beauty, interesting, compelling face. Should play saxophone or
trumpet. Example: Carl Hancock Rux. Scale.
OR, as a parting gift, enjoy the celebrity shortlist put together for a space exploration PSA.
Non-profit PSA which will promote space exploration, space education & science education.
CASTING DIRECTOR: [redacted]
Contact: Dr. [redacted], Chief Science Advisor, X-Prize Foundation
Location: Flexible - will book recording studio near talent.
Date: Between 9.21-23 (1 hour)
Rate: Payment + Extras
We have a real space launch on the 29th of Sep so our time is extremely short to record a talent voice-over for a PSA that will show at this historical event. Need only 1 hour of time to record 1 minute of narration, will work with your schedule. X-Prize Foundation can pay a nominal fee to record the talent, offers VIP invitations to talent and their representation to attend the September and/or October launches of Paul Allen’s private sub-orbital spacecraft. As an added bonus, we also offer Talent a novel experience once reserved only for Astronauts -a flight in Zero-G airplane. Where talent will experience what it is to float in outer space for about 10 minutes.
Will Accept Actor Notes: yes Roles-Descriptions: X-Prize Foundation seeks a celebrity talent to narrate a PSA that will be shown during the historical launches to win the X-PRIZE. The first launch, will take place on Sept 29, 2004. This is a real space launch, not a TV show. This event is on par with the flight of Charles Lindberg and will be seen by over a billion people world wide.
This PSA will be shown at the upcoming X-Prize sub-orbital space ship launch at Mohave on Sept 29, 2004, and then distributed to 500 -1000 media outlets which will attend this launch. Over a billion people will see the launch
(live and recorded).
The space craft was tested on June 21, 2004 with a single pilot. The next flights will take 3 people, which are required to win the X-PRIZE. These launches will mark the beginning of space flight for the general public. XPrize seeks a celebrity with the skills to meet the excitement of these historical space launches.
Example of talent we are seeking to represent this and the future X-Prize Cup event are as follows:
Samuel L Jackson
PLEASE CONTACT DR. XXX ASAP XXX TO SUBMIT.
There's "payment + extras" offered. What could those extras be? Launching Ellen so she can finally meet her ex-girlfriends family? OK, that was a stretch. I'm busy right now, give me a break on my lack of funny.
Anyway, who would *you* cast to represent space? Sharon Stone seems a natural to me...
See you tonight at Jack's?
Tonight come on down to a wet and wild, hot and tiny comedy show in the West Village.
Susie Felber, Sara Polon, and Amber Tozer present:
Happy Perineum Comedy: Very Small. Very Funny. Surprisingly Sexy.
Featuring very impressive guests, in a very intimate setting.
Wednesday, September 22th @ 8:00 p.m.
Where: Jack's -- 136 West 10th Street, between Greenwich Avenue and Waverly Place, (212) 929-0821Nearest Subway: A/C/E/F/V to West 4th Street or 1/9 to Christopher Street
Cost: $5 and one coffee-type drinkNote: The venue has a maximum capacity of 27 people.
Tonight features guest comedian action from NY's finest: Rena Zager, Chris Jurek and Paul Sullivan