Today at the Vet
a sorta poem by Susie

When Stan his tapeworm shot did take,
he screamed
like a cockatoo
being burned at the stake.

The New Bait & Switch
by Susie

Blogs with clever names
That turn out to be written in Spanish
or Welsh
or anything other than English,
Are even more annoying
Than the Finnish.

Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeeze Me
a love poem for Ed
by Susie

My heart is soft
But not like a sieve.
See how it fills up
When you use Palmolive?

My heart you have eternally won,
but it swells when you've dishes done.

About to Do Laundry
a pseudo poem, by Susie

Hope I don't
run into a neighbor.

All of whose names
I can never remember.

Guy Parked on Perry.*
a poemy thing by Susie

Right now, still, I'm sure.
Taking up two spots.

You with your sun shade in the window,
You who refused to move your car up or back a few inches,
You with the unplaceable accent.
You who said, "I move up, I might get bumped,
I move back, I might get bumped.
Eeet is not worth it to me."

I dream of picking up the fire hydrant,
moving it to your driver's side door.
Painting the curb yellow as the water spurts.
Laughing as the police ticket you.

Or putting Golden Blossom honey
on your door handle,
Because I was too pussy to
Imagine using dog poop.
For more than a few minutes.

Your Karma is worse
Than your mustache.

Your woman was embarrassed.
Your car was crappy.
I will take action.
I will glare at your car
a few more times today.

Don't even try and stop me.

*Printed and posted on the guy's windshield. I live on the edge!

Last Night
a poem of sorts, by Susie

Performed massively hung over.
They gave us performers free beers,
but with what I drank the night before,
the beers didn't make the bugs go away,
it just made them kinda cute.

"Oh look, the bugs crawling all over me
are wearing little hand knit scarves!"

I know I drank a lot the night before.
For I reeked of smoke,
I felt far from fine,
and when I woke
the mosquitoes in my pad
couldn't fly a straight line.

Ode to the Travel Agency's Bushes on 7th Ave. South

by Stan, The West Village's Poet Lauremutt

Dig FLING FLING!

Dig FLING FLING!

Dig dig FLINGITY FLINGITY FLING!

I LOVE DIRT!
Damn!
OH join me DO!

You don't get it do you?

Dirt rocks.

The Birth of the Blog
a timeline

2356 BC
The first nerd crawls out of the sea.

19-who-knows-what
The web is invented.

1995
Roger Somethingorother and his wife go on AOL and are amazed by this bold new technology.

Ten minutes later
The Somethingorother's realize AOL is only good for porno chat and e-mailing fake virus alerts.

Soon after that
Baby McBoomer decides there's gold in them thar web hills.

1999
Pat McGroin becomes the world's first liberal arts graduate to make a living.

2 Nanoseconds later
Everyone expects to be and is paid for "content." "Content" is the code name for Baby McBoomer's desire to be in on a site as cutting edge, intelligent and potentially profitable as the Hamster Dance. Talented people eat well, drink a lot and do tons of no work for pay.

2001
Game over. Content schmontent. Piss off.

2002
Liberal Arts majors, geeks and people who share way too many details about their personal life realize, we can provide tons of content! The personal, loving, real, balls-to-the-windscreen content we always wanted on our big corporate sites, but were forbidden to enact! Ye Haw! No more clueless VC's! No more web B.S.! No more pay! No more pay? Oh, yeah, well, so... link to me! love me! Leave a comment for me!

Today
The New York air is filled with smoke imported from Canada. Expect Frogs, vermin and slaying of the first born. For Susie jumping on the blogwagon hath made the Lord sayeth, "Enough already!"

LOVE that the new blog spell checker doesn't approve of the word "blog" or "blogger."

I'm up. So who's complaining? Not me.

I need some water.

Now I'm whining.

Dinner Tonight was Bordeaux and chili. Make your own punchline. I'm beat.

Dramatis Personae

STANLEY a mutt
SUSIE a city wench

ADAM brother to Susie

DON EDWARDO DE ALYESBURYO a fantastical Brit

DORKS, ATTENDANTS, etc.

BLOG I, SCENE 2346567

Enter Susie

Susie Herk! No, shoot... I mean, Hark! (Aside) Dang regular blogger hath no spell check!

Stan doth sleep curled up like a boiled shrimp atop my bed.

Don Edwardo is forced to toil today. Rats-o-rama.

Still, 'tis an auspicious day to start a blog. Except all fancy blog stuff will need to wait until Adam returns from fair Woodstock (aside) Hippy freak land...

I dream of comments! Links to far flung sites! Posts less pretentious than this! Oh yeah baby, this is going to be a blog for your whiskers! Bow down to this new blog of wonder! FEEL THE AWESOME POWER OF THIS, THE WORLD'S MOST SOON TO BE PERHAPS A BIT IMPORTANT BLOG!

Stan ZZZzzzzzzzzz zZZ Zzz ZZZ. ZZZzzz.

Exeunt Susie

Enter Susie

9 hours, an upgrade to Blogger pro and 4 dog walks later, this has still not published. I'd have better luck penning this on a still lake.