Paris Hilton is an ass. So are a lot of other celebrities. OK, now that I've got your attention with a picture of Paris Hilton's ass...

As we approach the holiday weekend, police from coast to coast aim to crack down on drunk driving.

Read my drunk driving roundup/rant, "DUI = Dumb Under the Influence?" here on the Court TV blog.

The only thing I forgot?

This asshat's DUI.

NEW BLOG ALERT!

http://www.thenosebleeds.com/

"A look at the world of sports from the cheap seats."

Disclosure: Everyone writing for this blog is a pro comedian and/or writer/producer/director and is either my friend, my family or my husband, so of course it's going to be awesome.

UPDATE: Read my brother Adam's excellent post about the nosebleeds, here.

Your dog ignored on a Manhattan roof -- only $1000/month!

The Ritzy Canine Carriage House, "New York's city [sic] preeminent luxury quarters, daycare and veterinary facility for dogs and cats," has a rooftoop billed thusly, "Your loved one will revel in the simple pleasure of playing outdoors in the fresh air." Well, my undercover, overhead investigation reveals "play" = bored dogs hoping the guy on the roof will stop texting his girlfriend and throw a ball. All pictures taken on 6/20/07 by me.





"Please pet meeeeeeeeeeeee!"

And finally, fat NYC dogs getting fatter...
<-- Look at the dog stage right... he's dreaming of his rich and overly guilty owner's bed.

A few years ago, I worked briefly at a dog spa in Manhattan (not this one). I didn't last long for a variety of reasons. What I learned could fill a book. And so that's what I'm doing. Stay tuned...

Who dat?


Happy Birthday to me!

Don't miss my good friend Stephen Gardner's ambitious, awesome new blog, Sketch of the Day. Steve is a incredible professional illustrator whose precise and beautiful works I've blogged about before (here too). Partly inspired by the MA in illustration he recently completed (while also working as a pro illustrator), on Sketch of the Day he shares his sketches, and dashed off thoughts, letting himself be more experimental and in the moment.

I personally love his really quick slices of life. they are like poetry. Only someone with so much training could make something so simple, so beautiful. Like this parking pic in Crown Heights Brooklyn...


And this nakedy lady at the Society of Illustrators...


So if I were you, or your were I, I'd check him out everyday, right here.

LIVE BLOGGING HOBOKEN COMEDY EXPERIMENT

To commence live from Hoboken @ approx. 8:45-9pm. Stay tuned...

Note: Photos will be taken and added later. My computer is too slow to handle my photog and lightening fast wit. UPDATE: Photos added!

9:00pm-- It's on! Well, not really, but the music is loud and so it seems like something is going to happen. Ooooh, very exciting.

9:02 -- Music still loud Crowd going wild. If by "wild" you mean, waiting patiently.

Music + milling about = Major Excitement!

9:04 -- Adam Wade introduces Chris Deluca, using all sorts of charm and pounding Deluca's TV cred into the crowd. Crowd going insane. If by insane, you mean listening and sipping drinks.

9:06 -- Deluca introduces me, mentions I am live-blogging. My only credit he announces is that I live in Weehawken. That's awesome. I do comedy for a decade and I get "lives in Weehawken." Deluca = dead.


9:08 -- Deluca going 100 m.p.h. on marriage material. He's too fast for my typing skills. He did punchlines that involved a condor, Stockholm Syndrome, the Hulk. Listen people, if you want the jokes ya gotta come to the show.

9:10 -- Deluca's bomb line about the soundsystem-- "I could almost not hear you laugh" -- kills!

9:12 -- Deluca introduces former Tough Crowd writer, Ritch Duncan -- and he's up!

9:16 -- Enjoy this out-of-context Ritch Duncanism: "All kitten AC/DC cover band."

9:18 -- Duncan expertly "takes the piss out of me" and my live-blogging. I love it.

9:19 -- Duncan scores a hit with his, "The whole ad campaign for Vegas is 'Hey, we've got whores!'" bit.

9:21 -- Duncan doing fab.

9:23 -- His big dismount: The hot dog bit!

9:23 -- Deluca up and presenting the faux survey, "Worst names for describing a blow job." "Thorny, Lack Luster, Capra-esque, Maternal." .And the winner for worst adjective to describe a blow job -- "toothy."

9:25 -- Deluca on Port Authority bus terminal day v. night, "A head on a skateboad tried to sell me batteries" and "I lost my wallet, my identity was stolen by a dragon."

9:28 -- Margot Leitman up!

9:31 -- Margot is talking too fast for my crap typing. People like her a lot! Getting mega laughs. Here's a sample of words I can capture, "genital warts" "hpv" "Nancy Reagan"

I screwed up and didn't get a photo of Margot that was cool, so please forgive and enjoy the photo of Heather (who went up later in the eve).

9:33 -- Thought: Judging from the laughter, and the haircuts, Hoboken has a lot more straight men than Manhattan and Brooklyn. Just saying.

9:35 -- Margot tells us she's from "the town next to the town Bon Jovi is from." This is way beyond my geographical knowledge. Jerseyites seem to dig it.

9:36 -- Adam Cole Kelly, writer for Best Week Ever, is up. Tells ladies not to stare at his legs, that it makes him uncomfortable. Tells his gold "sun wearing sunglasses" joke.

9:40 -- Adam tells fat chick at Applebee's joke. It does so well I am now convinced there are more straight men in Hoboken.

<-- This photo I took of Adam is NOT payback for him making fat chicks joke. But it could be, couldn't it?

9:41 -- Adam, probably sensing the undeniable hetero make-up of the room, launches into his pornography material.

9:43 -- Adam's "Cinderella Man" v. "Cinderella, Man" joke makes me happy. I laugh louder than anyone, me, alone in a bar at my mac. Nerd, party of one!

9:45 -- Deluca, our multi-talented host, asks me, from the stage, how live blogging is going. I am so focused eye of the tiger-style on my blog I make barely any sense. Awesome. But luckily no one outside of this room will ever know I made no sense. Oh. Wait a minute...

9:47 -- Adam Wade is up!

9:49 -- Adam is funny and cute. How cute? He's making hetero buzz cut boys giggle.

9:50 -- Thought: It's possible that only my mom is following this blogging, live. Hi mom!

9:53 -- Did you know... Hoboken411 covered this show two days ago. And Real Hoboken has a funny interview by Adam with Deluca about tonight's show.

9:57 -- Wade's story kills. Too involved to explain. Sorry kids. Now he's doing a final story to lovely music. Aw, sweet.

10:00 -- Deluca on Wade's touching story of young love, "That's a great story Adam, but it reads a lot better on the police report."

10:01 -- Deluca tells us what he was thinking about our audience, "I wish Anne Franks' family were as silent as they are today, maybe they'd be alive today."

10:03 --Heather Fink up! Opens on "Bulimic pony's at a Japanese restaurant" bit and seques into "back fat is the funniest fat."

10:06 -- Oh, before Heather went up Deluca complained saying there were no comments on my blog, so he counld respond. Dude, I haven't had comments ever. Not once since 2002. Maybe you don't know you hired THE Susie Felber: Live-blogger to the non-stars?

10:07 -- Heather is hot and doing odd material. Now the hetero boys are scared. You let your freak flag fly girl!

Heather pre-show. Nice + pretty + comedy = scary


10:09 -- Jake Goldman up!

10:14 -- Jake doing a surreal penis/astronaut bit. He is riding that "freak the crowd out" wave. He ends on, "I was going to put a jar of honey on the stage and have the honey do these same jokes... and I think it would've had the same effect."

10:15 -- Deluca plugging the email list! Thanking everyone! Calls me beautiful. How often is a live-blogger called beautiful? I am clapping and hooting louder than anyone for everyone.

10:17 -- Show over! A good time had by all. My camera battery is dead. That's how rockin' the show was. Broadway Schmoadway! Woodstock Schmouldstock! Ringing Brothers-Schmingling Brothers! This, the Hoboken Comedy Experiment is the greatest show on earth. Until next time Hoboken...

Kisses (g'night mom),

Susie

UPDATE: After the show Deluca told me someone on Hoboken 411 comments called me a great blogger and big fun. Very apt description of me and my fun! Big kisses to the anon person who said that -- mwah!

ME, Tonight

@ The Goldhawk
10th and Park
Hoboken
8:30pm
Free!

Chris Deluca is hosting. Should be a good time. And since I'm live-blogging the show, it goes without saying that you can follow along here at 8:30pm too. It goes without saying, but I said it anyway. I'm crazy like that. See you there. Or here.

Today is my birthday. It's also Father's Day.


Me and my dad.

My dad's been gone almost 9 years. I miss him daily. My mom told me I was born on Father's Day. I just checked an Internet calendar for my year and found I was born right around mid-week. Ah well, sorry everyone I've ever gotten teary-eyed with and told that I was a Father's Day present. I was not.

Anywho, birthday's are good. But good fathers are better. Happy Father's Day to all the good ones. Like this one, the new father who I love more than [really embarrassing personal sop redacted]...


Hey, look what just sprung from my loins!

Re: See ME, Tomorrow

Click the photo above for all the details on my performing at the last Morrison Motel of the season tomorrow eve. I'm not feeling well so there is a small chance I might not bringing the funny. What? Me not hilarious always? Well my throat is on fire. Maybe I'll sign the whole thing. Get Kambri to help me. We shall see. Great line-up though. Not to be missed.

Speeders' Excuses

I wrote and produced a short budget vid with a very talented editor, writer and online development dude. It's a comedy vid. It's all scripted, but it's to promote a pretty funny reality show that follows cops as they pull over real speeders.


Check it out right here. Along with the very funny Andres du Bouchet, my Hugo and my Stan also appear in thrilling, unpaid cameos. And it was shot in Weehawken, home of the stars. Big thanks to the Weehawken P.D. for making sure we filmers weren't up to no good and for giving us two great ideas gleaned from their real-life experience with real-life speeders.


Andres runs showbiz gauntlet: performs with children AND animals in one short vid.

I Love the 70's

Remember no seatbelts or child car seats? Biking without a helmet? Your parents smoking? Unironic, unapologetic wood panelling? Your grandmother reading Playboy?

SFX: record scratch

Grandma reading Playboy?!

Yup, only after I uploaded this family photo-of-a-photo I took yesterday, did I notice that my dear Gran was enjoying a copy of Playboy in plain sight:

Playgran!

And I thought, wow, that's awesome!

Also, I thought it was cool that there is a history in my family of baptism by pooch:


"The son, the son! Tradition!"

NOTE: If you even know what a record scratch is, you're old. See ya at the Early Bird Special.

Yesterday, Felber was rather uppity.

Read my post entitled, "Supreme Court to Women & Minorities: Drop Dead" right here.

WARNING: Rare baby-related post to follow. Those who are not interested in babies, come back tomorrow.

During a recent gmail chat, my old friend Sara told me what I've already heard many times. That my spawn "could be a baby model."

Strike a pose

Honestly, I'm as shocked as anyone. I didn't expect him to be so good-looking. I sort of figured he'd be like mom... ya know, have to work for it.

It seems to me that the writing's on the wall.

If his looks keep pace, there's a chance my boy won't be alone enough to develop an unhealthy interest in dragons, or he won't need to forge an iron-clad sense of humor as a defense or that maybe he'll be one of the popular kids. Yes, scary prospects indeed!


Future head of a frat? Shiver!

Also he's so darn happy and good-natured. I was sure I'd be sharing black nail polish with my son, but sadly, perhaps it is not to be.


My husband swears this happy thing was pulled out of me and that they didn't do a switcheroo behind the sheet.

Anywho, as he's 100% perfect and the world is clamoring for him to be a baby model, I figured I should make it easy and tell all potential future advertisers the things he is prepared to endorse, and what, on principle, he would shun.


Pout!

PRODUCTS HUGO THE WONDER BABY WILL ENDORSE:

1. Puppies

2. Sunsets

3. Bananas

4. The QM2 (contingent upon he and his two adult handlers trying it out on an all-expense paid voyage)

5. Toys

6. A viable Democratic candidate for President (good luck, right?)

7. Luxury cars, luxury couture and luxury sockmonkeys

8. Big pharma (such as Peek-a-boo enhancing drugs and Klonopin)

9. Books (especially ones that are good to eat)

10. Technology & fine wines (send all merchandise to Hugo HQ for testing)

THINGS HUGO BABY WON'T ADVERTISE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:

1. Hitler

2. Toxic waste

3. Cats that look like Hitler

If you represent any products from the "approved" list, have your people call my baby.

Take a Trip Down Mammary Lane...

Read my Memorial Day weekend post about this very special WWII cartoon right here.

To the woman wearing a too-tight shirt spied on my W40th walk to work.

Hey you with the ruined belly.

Yes, I'm looking at you!

Let's be friends.

I've got a ruined belly too.

We can share commiserations,

compare prescriptions.

Hey you with the ruined belly.

I've got a ruined belly too.

Photo cred: My foot by me.

Mad Manhattan Morning
Walking to work,

working out my worries.

The old adage,

"If you hear hoof beats,

think horses, not zebras"

gives little comfort

to those who squint and see zebras.

LIVE from HOBOKEN -- Live Blogging! How exciting! Anything can happen, but probably won't!

9:07 Comedian Ritch Duncan takes a call from Paul Sullivan. Sully, who is currently driving on the left coast, needs to know if Andres the Giant played Bigfoot on the 6 Million Dollar Man. My Google oracle says yes. As you can see, the show has not started yet.

9:15 GAME ON! Adam Wade introduces Chris Deluca. Deluca wowing the massive crowd with his "wife doesn't have a tattoo on the small of her back" material. Here "massive" = 10.

9:20 Deluca does "Lost" material. I don't watch the show so I am truly lost. But the crowd she is getting bigger!

9:26 Deluca sexual fantasies material. The crowd is going crazy. It's like /Woodstock, Jamestown and a rave, all in one.

9:27 GAME!!! Deluca introduces a game in which the audience can win free drinks. Oooooh.... very exciting! Game is called, "Is Wade Right?" Sound man is doing a cracking good job with the groovy effects.

9:29 An audience member wins three drinks just for having two brain cells to scrape together. Well, after the drinks maybe he'll only have one. New audience has been filing in. From where? Have they been hooked by this entrancing live-blogging? No doubt!

9:30 Duncan has been introduced. Everyone was very excited to hear his SNL and Tough Crowd credits. Then Deluca mentioned Duncan's hockey blog and the life was sucked out of the room. A couple of audience members hung themselves.

9:36 Duncan is killing! Some joke about "7-grain toast" and a prayer breakfast. I have no idea. I can't listen and live blog. No. Especially not when I've had a Stoli on the rocks with a lemon, my first real drink since the earth was still cooling.

9:39 Duncan is discussing a bad neighborhood of heaven. OH! He just mentioned I was live-blogging. The crowd looked at me and clapped, giving Duncan an opportunity to take a swig of his drink. I made a face to express how lame it is to be the live-blogger, which it is.

9:44 Duncan is finishing up. I want another drink but have no money. I'm on next. How can I live blog myself?

9:57 I'm off. I was very flustered. An actual Hoboken mom showed up with husband. She's super cute. I was too busy blogging to focus on my set and couldn't go all eye of the tiger on the audience with my usual outrageous laser-like comedy death ray of hilarity. Next time.

9:58 Adam Cole-Kelly up. Introduced as a writer for "Best Week Ever". All I can think of is how I was only introduced as a blogger. The cute Hoboken mom probably thinks I'm a loser! Oh -- Adam's "sun wearing glasses" joke is gold. Adam CK is cute and funny. If this were a panty-throwing crowd, panties would be thrown.

10:05Deluca introduces Adam Wade. Describes him as, "This American Life but retarded." Wade is adorable talking about a women he had a crush on as a boy. Women who walked in late are saying "awww" a lot to his brand of hilar-a-cute comedy, Wade calls his brother Matt on stage for confirmation for a bathroom story. We can hear the phone through the mic. Wade asks his brother to say something nice about him to the assembled crowd.

10:21 I'm posting a picture of the jukebox I took when I showed up. I don't know. I can not express the hilarity of the comedians on stage! Notice how Frankie Avalon is featured on the jukebox. It's like telling Frank Sinatra, Hoboken's most famous son, we don't care that you never came back. We found another Frank.

10:24 Deluca says Wade is more like "This American Life with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome." Now everyone is clapping. Wade is passing the email list, forced to apologise to everyone.

10:30Show over. Going to ignore my long time friends (they'll always be there, no biggie) to chat with hot, smart looking Hoboken mom. 10-4 good buddies.

Felber Live: In-Person and Live-Blogging Tonight

TONIGHT: Monday 5/21 @ 8:30PM

I'll be performing in at the Gold Hawk in Hoboken, NJ.

And blogging the goings-on that are going on, right here on this blog.

The Gold Hawk is at:

936 Park Ave, at 10th

Hoboken.

The show is arranged by master storyteller Adam Wade and hosted by comedian Chris Deluca.

See you there or see you here. -- Susie

Read my latest post regarding Sylvester Stallone and his recent Aussie hormone scandal called, "Actually, Laws Can Stop Him" right here on the Informer blog.

While you're at it you can read another post of mine today about an oversexed Disney character doin' his patriotic duty and getting down and dirty in WWII. It's called "Re: Donald's Yankee Doodle" and it's right here.

Like Donald I'm "over there" right now, but I'm keeping the blog homefires burning.

PS Speaking of the above, check out this Canadian WWII poster I just found which saucily commands says, "Lick them over there! Come on Canada!"

On Mother's Day, My Boy Wore Phyllis

I remember seeing an interview with comedy pioneer Phyllis Diller about her inspiration for performing comedy. She said, "I had five children. I had to feed my babies!"

It stuck with me because it was so impressively plain compared to the motivators of other comedy heroes. Not the art of personal expression, fame to get back at people who didn't understand you in high school or big money. Just. feed. the. babies.

Rock on Phyllis. Me and my boy salute you. And Happy 90th if I don't see you before July.

Note: This awesome one-of-a-kind baby wear you see above is from a set of custom comedy onesies made for Hugo by pal Beth -- yes made with her own hands! The whole set includes Ernie Kovacs, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and Carol Channing. The coolest shower gift ever. And yes, you should be jealous.

The Unbelievable Truth

Read my bittersweet Mother's Day tribute to writer, director and actress Adrienne Shelly right here.