Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My mom is funnier than your mom.

Check the email that just landed on me from my mom:

From: (mom)
To: (me)
Cc: (
a nice romance author friend of hers)
Date: Nov 29, 2005 9:55 AM
Subject: well, if this writing career gets too troublesome...

one door closes, another opens, eh, mate?

Yahoo news from Australia...

And all you get from your mom is virus hoaxes.
Plus the occasional cute-kitty-in-a-pint-glass forwards...

Well luckily, I get those from her plus stuff like the above.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Bat Mitzvah arms race continues...
or
How to make that Ashanti Bat Mitzvah look like dog food.

More EXCLUSIVE 411 on the fancy pants Rainbow Room Bat Mitzvah my brother worked on Thanksgiving...

It was for the daughter of David H. Brooks. There's a Daily News bit about it here from the beginning of November:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/363087p-309201c.html

Here's the scoop on who actually performed:
The Eagles
50 Cent
Aerosmith
Nelly
(word was this was last minute)

...and more, but he didn't recall the others.

People were leaving/had left when Aerosmith was on, because it was 3:30AM. Most people didn't see Aerosmith; my brother got to see a bit before breakdown. Rumor had it that Brooks issued death threats if the performers didn't show up.

My brother Mike worked 3 virtually back-to-back shifts on Thanksgiving:

At first he was told they would make $40/hour. So he got some friends to work it with him. But the agency said the client didn't come through. Said the client (Brooks) was being very difficult.* In the end they received $20/hour. He worked one 10 hour shift, one 13½ hour shift, and then an 18 hour shift for the breakdown. He also did 3 hours of unpaid work on top of this because the woman who was hiring them was in a bind. He earned time and a half -- 30 dollars -- when the shift went over 10 hours.

They did not provide food or breaks for food, save one time they all received $10 to eat and one hour. Some workers scrounged in the employee kitchen and found rice and a few other things like canned soup. My brother has an odd habit of always carrying food in his bag, so he was OK.**

The work he did was setting up and breaking down. Some of it, most of it, was very physically demanding. Putting up and taking down heavy rigging for the acts and dealing with the Chihuly thingys. But as my brother's well-earned nickname is Jew Ferrigno, this was no problem.

I, on behalf of my brother, was outraged by how little they were paid and how badly they were treated. My brother admitted the lack of food was not cool, but he wasn't kvetching beyond that. He said he enjoyed "the camaraderie." Oh, but after the 3:30 shift, the workers were allowed to eat the leftovers.

Incidentally, my brother Mike is also a Long Island boy. His own Bar Mitzvah featured ace entertainment: Dominick Esposito's band (Dominick being the husband of my father's secretary), and me singing a showstopper from Annie.

*When describing the money they would not be making, they explained to the workers that Brooks was trying to "Jew them down."

**The habit isn't odd, but what he carries is. My brother has very little money and lifts weights. Hence cheap-ass protein often = mackerel. When he's rocking the mackerel in his bag, and we're going out to visit mom, I won't let him in my car.

Update: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go, coincidentally, to a photo shoot for Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad at the Y. I never mind donning the fishnets and paint to do a shoot, but tonight I'm distracted as I am completely freaking out about reading at HTKP -- all 'cause I saw Time Out use the word "literary" to hawk it. Oi! Oy!

Update II (Tuesday 11/29/05): Lloyd Grove finally picked up the story after Gawker broke it yesterday, causing my sitemeter to go through the roof (I have so few readers compared to the Gawks I don't call my post "breaking" the story). Of course, Lloyd made no mention of the workers being stiffed. And of course, whatever Stever Tyler or 50 Cent got paid doesn't rankle me. I mean, it may be a waste, and sure the orphans could use the millions more, but my brother is not an international superstar. And let's be honest...what have the orphans done for us lately? Squat.

However, if the reports of the giftbags are true (digital cameras and video iPods), that means every guest (over 200) made off with more booty for attending that party (a lotta 13-year-olds) then he made for working 44 and a half hours of back-breaking work. And no, my brother doesn't have health insurance*, and no, this was not, obviously, union work. But still, I'm the only one who's pissed. He's an incredibly nice guy, enjoys using his muscles and has the ability to enjoy the absurdity of it.

*Unless he finally fanagled some medical for being low income. I know he was working on it.

Update III: This is my brother Mike I'm talking about, not to be confused with my brother Adam of NPR fame.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thanksgiving Leftovers

1. On Thanksgiving, my brother Michael worked two 10 hour shifts to help set up and break down a Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room. Entertainment that was slated to appear: The Eagles, Aerosmith and 50 Cent. "Now you are a woman! A very privileged woman." I've got to call him to get the full 411.

2. My man has another article in the FT this weekend, this time about manners and Lynn Truss of Eats, Shoots and Leaves fame. Read it now right here before the subscription veil goes up. Or buy yourself a FT.com subscription. It's about 1/500000th of the price of a star-studded Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room.

3. I myself am spending the weekend in the country and am taking many a brisk bike ride. It's lovely, but I'm literally sweating cranberry bread.

OK, not literally. But close enough.

4. I'm doing a reading thingy at HTKP on Wednesday. Come on down.


Note: Turkey Enchiladas photo courtesy of Google image search and Uncle Bumpy.com

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

FAG HAG EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
This is not a test. I repeat. This is not a test...

karaokebarbie Sound the alarm!*

Comcast has Karaoke On Demand!

The indomitable CableFAX daily alerted me to the fact with this item:

Freebird!!! We knew Karaoke On Demand was popular in Comcast’s Philly system. But we were hoping it was just a fad that would wear off. No chance. After logging 1mln orders in the first 2 weeks (Cfax 11/08), Philly took in 2mln orders for the entire month. All without marketing.
Get on the stick Time Warner! You can call me bitch dog anytime. Just give me some of that hot KOD action!

Oh, I see, you’re trying.

But is Time Warner's offering gonna be 80 songs as stated above or a 15,000 song library?

Whatever. If all you offer is Total Eclipse of the Heart, 24/7, I’m there.

*Woot woot, beep beep, Ughhhh YEAH!

Monday, November 21, 2005

I attempt to dip my toes into Service Journalism.

This morning, thanks to Blogger.com's little subtle scrolling thingy that reveals recently updated blogs, I found this brand new blogger site :

How to write FUNNY IDEAS & make EASY MONEY!!!!! FREE Tips! FREE Advice!
FREE Secrets,Tips and Advice On how to come out with FUNNY IDEAS for Cartoons, Comic-Strips, Gags, TV-Sitcoms, Sketches, Greeting Cards, Speeches, Print Humor & Stand-ups. Just Search and CLICK!!


The blogger profile says the writer is in Malaysia. As a working comedian, I had to wonder, does Malaysia hold advanced comedy money-making technology?

While American comics scrape by, is Malaysia laughing all the way to the comedy bank?

To be honest, I had always thought of Malaysia as a sort of humorless place, what with their flair for comedy censorship and all.

But then I thought, what if these comedy money-making secrets are actually the mythical Malasian "Land of Gold" revealed? To refresh your memory on ancient Malasyian history, see below:

Hindu Kingdoms 100 BC - 1400 AD
Early writings from India speak of a place called Savarnadvipa -- the Land of Gold. This mystical, fantastically wealthly kingdom was said to lie in a far away and unknown land, and legend holds that it was on an odyessy in search of Savarnadvipa that the first Indians were lured to the Malay Peninsula.
-- history lifted from this site.

Was that what the early Indians were seeking? A sure-fire way to rake in bucks writing funny greeting cards and lucrative gags? Pre-morning coffee, it seems entirely plausible!

So, in pursuit of this possible pot of hilarity gold, I have requested an interview with this site's owner.

Details TK. That is, if details do indeed come.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I got something on the illustrious Black Table...

Go here & check out, WAXING OFF: WHEN THANK YOU TURNS TO FUCK YOU.

-- Noelle Hancock, Cathy Hannan, Susie Felber, Katie Seitz and Jen Hubley
11.17.05


And as my bit refers to a Wonder Woman fantasy, here's an extra special appropriate bonus pic of me, living the dream:
Hey Felber groupies! Stay tuned, 'cause if I remember and can be bothered, I might post the bigger, longer and waxier version of my Black Table story. Wow!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Book party for Mom -- TONIGHT!

Yup, tonight's the night. After more than two decades, and 30 published novels, my mom is having her second-ever book party. This time in Manhattan, and this time not at her house so she doesn't have to make the Sanka. And yeah, she's worried it'll make her look like an egomaniac. I mean, two book parties in 21 years? Girl, PLEASE! Anywho, blame me, this was all my big idea.

I made a cool-ass slideshow for the party. Scanned like a fiend. Here's a wee preview of some stuff that made me happy.
EdithPLay
Mom wins a play prize & the attention of two dudes drinking out of coffee cups.

Mom75
Mommy & me enjoying a smoke.

maine75write
Mom when she was a journalist & aspiring novelist. Note her patented two cups of wine writing technique.

And finally, enjoy an embarrassing pic of my brother...
Adam Felber 75
Hey mateys! It's NPAAARRRRH's Adam Felber!

Private to Adam: Better be nice to me... 'cause I have recently obtained a picture of you lounging in a velour Star Trek chemise, and I am prepared to use it.

Private PS to Adam: MOO HA HA HA!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Scanner, what hath thou wroth!

Finally, I can share my art with the world...

Subwaycomixs1
By me, created on the D

Saturday, November 12, 2005

PARTY!

I just got a scanner! Scanner! I love you scanner! MmmmmWAH!

But I'm going to a little party right now, so I can't play with it all night.

Speaking of parties, here's a pic of one of my parties:
PARTY!
Older boys?! Barefoot around-the-hat dancing?! CRAZY!

I am 8 years old in this pic.

That's my best friend Yuh Suhn dancing the wild fandango.

And yes, every kid who came to my annual Halloween party got a big sharp steak knife to carve their own pumpkin and matches to light them. Supervision Schmupervision!

I am so ready to scan anything and everything, up to and including my dog's ass. It's a good thing I have plans tonight.

Friday, November 11, 2005

See Me Feel Me Touch Me Heal Me*

Last night at RKB's party:

Completely candid photo by Brian of 485i.com

And tonight performing in Hut Tub with Kurt Braunohler & Kristen Schaal:

TONIGHT Friday, at 9:30 pm
The Peoples Improv Theater
154 W. 29th Street, 2nd Fl (between 6th and 7th aves)
New York, NY 10001
212-563-7488
Buy tix online tix
here

From their site...
Who's in the Hot Tub this week?
Patrick Borelli (Conan, Comedy Central's Premium Blend) will rock you gently.
Susie Felber (MTV2, Conan, US Weekly's Fashion Police) will frolic for you.
Sue Galloway and Julie Klausner (SNL, Conan) will let you be free to be you and me.
Matt Oberg will impress you with his flower pressing skills.


*Offer to touch me, feel me and heal me may expire without notice.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

About Last Night

Headlined at Morisson Motel. Good Times. Although the site is pretty, it hasn't been updated since December 2004. But as I happened to be on that particular show, I don't really mind.

Bought some Latina Spirit hair conditioner, to ya know, foil some marketing person's plans. Let them think they've cracked the Latin market and recoil in horror when they find it's just me -- little ol' Susie sans salsa.

Got home, slipped into something a little more comfortable and put Neosporin on my dog. Caliente!

PS I'm doing a show Friday. Check it out in my glorious sidebar calendar thingy. Or just go here: http://www.hottubvariety.com/

Monday, November 07, 2005

Enjoy Paris Hilton's one facial expression and a bouncing panda game that makes me wish I was unemployed.

Just a little entertainment to see you through until you can come see me perform LIVE tonight at Lolita Bar. All the details can be found by scrolling down, looking at the calendar on my sidebar or going here.

Sincerely hoping it does not burn when you pee,

Susie

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm in a show tonight at Laugh Lounge. I just heard we have 130 reservations.

Cool beans.

Oh, and yeah, the David Cross impersonator thang is totally true. But, I don't think he seals the deal with chicks as often as he sucks down the free drinks from duped bartenders and frat boys.

10-4 good buddies.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dog Cat Radio dot com

Yeah, I'm listening. So's my pooch.


Picture by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

Read all about it.

The DJ just said, "No, we're not freaks..."

I say:
If playing 80's hits for pets is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Monday, October 31, 2005



Thanks Rich for saving my blog with this important, timely and sheeptastic gif.*

*Seriously people, I got nothing... except some fabulous upcoming shows!

Full info below.
Oh and ya got to RSVP for the Kimmel showcase on Wednesday, so please do!

Below you’ll find info for a few of my upcoming comedy shows – five that I’ve handpicked for freshness. They range from my doing short sets to headlining to hosting -- to one where there’s an actual hot tub on the stage. Some shows are free -- others are cheap. And in all of them, you’ll see a variety of really talented comedians you may recognize from Tee Vee and movies.

Wednesday, November 2nd

"The Jimmy Kimmel Live! Audition Showcase"
Laugh Lounge
151 Essex St
RESERVATIONS: 212-614-2500
(Please say you are coming to see Susie Felber)
8:00pm - doors8:30pm - showtime
$5.00 cover, two-drink minimum

With:YOUR MC: Craig Baldo ("Premium Blend," Montreal Comedy Festival)FEATURING:* Josh Comers (Comedy Central's Laff Riots)* Dan Cronin ("Premium Blend," "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien")* Chris DeLuca (writer for "The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn," VH1's "Best Week Ever")* Andres DuBouchet (Backstage's "10 Stand Out Stand Ups Worth Watching," Time Out NY's "Best Comedian in NYC")* Ritch Duncan (writer, "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn," editor Jest magazine)* Ophira Eisenberg ("Premium Blend," her own half hour special in Canada)* Susie Felber (MTV2, Conan sketch player, US Weekly’s Fashion Police)* Todd Levin ("Premium Blend")* Liam McEneaney ("Premium Blend," "Best Week Ever")* Rob Paravonian (Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," touring headliner)* Victor Varnado ("Premium Blend," "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash")AND HEADLINER Tom Shillue, from "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" and a "Comedy Central Presents" 1/2-hour special

The following is a FREE show at a cool bar and features a great lineup:

Monday, Nov 7
Name: “Tell Your Friends” Comedy show

Location: Lolita Bar, Downstairs
Address: 266 Broome St., off of Allen St.
City/State: New York, NY
Subway: Take the F train to Delancey St.
Price: FREE

Start: 8:00 PM

WITH YOUR MC - Susie Felber

FEATURING: * Brian Kiley, a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has done stand-up on "Late Night" and "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno"* Damion Sammarco, the former co-host/producer of The Tuesday Night Train Wreck (which ran for 7 years) * Todd Hanson, a writer for The Onion * Liam McEneaney, from "Premium Blend" and VH1's "Best Week Ever"* Andy Blitz, a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "Late Night" and "Late Friday" and "Premium Blend"* The Hazzards, a glockenspiel/ukelele-driven band who have appeared on Comedy Central's "Out on the Edge" hosted by Alan Cumming, and on Comedy Central's "The World Stands Up." Their video "Gay Boyfriend" was an Internet sensation, getting over one million downloads in its first three months live on the InterWeb. WHAT THE PRESS HAS SAID ABOUT "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"* Time Out New York called it a "DON'T MISS" twice now, and said: "With a slew of talented stand-ups . . . and folk-rock duo 'A Brief View of the Hudson,' Liam McEneaney's new show—and 'workout comedy room'—is sure to please." * The NY Daily News made it a Monday pick of the day.* AM New York put it in their "Best Bets" section.


I’ll be doing a longer set at this show…

Tuesday, November 8th
“Morrison Motel” a comedy show @ Cornelia Street Cafe
8:30 PM
Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West
4th. A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St.
(212) 989-9319 for reservations. 8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.


Larry Bailey hosts TBD, Jane Condon, Harry Terjanian,
Mike Cotayo, Lauren Rochelle, Tony Spin, John Morrison and Susie Felber.

Friday, November 11th
“Hot Tub” a wet comedy jubilee Hosted by Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler
9:30 p.m.
The PIT 154 W. 29th St. btw 6th and 7th Ave.
212-563-7488 for reservations

http://www.thepit-nyc.com/
http://www.hottubvariety.com/

What is Hot Tub? Hot Tub is the best variety show in the city, nominated for ECNY Best Variety Show in 2005 and featuring comedy, music, animal races, and yes, an actual hot tub.

Tuesday, Nov 15th
“Chicks & Giggles” a comedy show
Location: Mo PitkinsAddress: 34 Avenue ACity/State: New York, NYStart: 7:30 PMPrice: FREE

http://chicksandgiggles.blogspot.com/
http://www.mopitkins.com/MoPitkins_NEW/index.html

The above is an all-female FREE comedy revue, now at the smoking hot venue known as Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Put the pieces together:

My secret passion for Petit Fours...


My obsession with Monster/Frog Cupcakes...

The heart-pounding excitement of certain wedding cakes and black and white cookies.

All my life I chalked it up to a sweet tooth. But no. It's now perfectly clear. I love fondant.

And I don't care who knows it.

Developing...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Weekend Wrap-Up

Friday:
My man's latest article comes out. Go read it before the subscription veil goes up.
http://news.ft.com/cms/s/0fe4c96c-423a-11da-94c2-00000e2511c8.html

Saturday:
Robert Klein should get a shout out for his very funny bit about Larry King hawking an author's book during the Quill Book Awards on NBC. And I should get my head checked for watching the Quill Book Awards, for Klein was the one and only highlight. Unholiest Quill moments: Elmo doing a lengthy turn as a presenter and (a conspicuously absent) Rachel Ray winning over Harold McGee.

Sunday:
While walking my dog and trying to avoid the throngs of foreigners (Italians, Idohoians, Illinoisians) partaking in Magnolia Bakery madness, I met an adorable nerdy kid perched on the steps of his parent's fancy-ass brownstone. He quickly managed to sell me his self-generated map of "haunted Greenwich Village" for a buck. Then he tried to sell me a short story he had written, as he put it, "in the manner of Edgar Allen Poe" but I was out of cash.

Then the kid started to tell me about all the other things he had successfully hawked on his steps --
richierich
and now I think I understand how his parents can afford the mortgage on their sweet pad.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Inside the Felber Hair

When I tell people my hairdresser is a internationally-renowned, globe-trotting CFA cat show judge, they often don't believe me. Well thanks to Google, now I have proof.

waltercat
Walter works the cat thang.

I'm being completely serious here. That there is my hairdresser, Walter. I have known him for over two decades, beginning when I tagged along with my mom to a salon he worked at called Biba on Long Island. Because of cat-show judging, he now only works at a salon about once a month, but I, like most of his clients, now just come see him in his cat-filled apartment on Christopher street.

waltercat2
Hmmm, is this why Snoodles took the blue ribbon?

Walter's a hoot, an opera freak and we argue and laugh like we're related. Speaking of relations, Walter's mom escaped with him in her arms during Kristallnacht and she's still alive -- sharp as a tack, firmly in her 90's and nudging him multiple times a day from her place in Miami.

walterprance
Fun fact: Dog show judges don't get paid, but cat show judges do. Feel the burn dog show judges!

Walter has five or six exotic cats in his pad, so when you get your hair done it's like being inside a catquarium. The most affectionate cat has a sneezing great gobs of snot problem. He does it when he's in your lap, so it's like he's allergic to humans. But as I am allergic to the vibe of NYC salons (Eau de women's insecurity and salon 'tude freaks me out) going to Walter's pad and getting sneezed on is a pleasure.

walter5
Fun fact #2: Cat show judges get paid per cat. For reals. Walter says lifting up zillions of cats in a day is hard on the arms.

I'm partial to Walter's two Maine Coons, although last night I went and saw Ferris had a new haircut. Walter said the groomer messed up the "lion cut" whatever that is. The cat didn't look like a lion, it looked like he was wearing leg warmers.

waltercat3
I think this photo speaks for itself...

Walter was on an Animal Planet documentary special this year called Cat People. I thought he was great. For all his kvetching about how he looked "terrible" (no) and "sounded like Harvey Fierstein" (he didn't), I think he loved it.

One of the things I love about Walter is he's so vibrant. No, that isn't code for flamboyant. I mean, yes he's that too, but he's seriously bold. I guess the best example is that this summer he was pretty knocked up because he suffered a fall. But this wasn't some slip-and-fall in the bathtub people. He injured himself while he was enthusiastically surfing with his grandkids out in California.

But anyways, what about my hair?

I mean forget about the fact that I get my hair done while I enjoy a Chardonnay or a Vodka on the rocks he has poured for me while the opera blasts and the cats jump onto the upright piano (that's decorated with pastel puffy paint because Seventeen magazine did a spread and shoot at his place years ago) causing a mad impromtu concert as they prance across the keys...

How does my hair look when he's done?

Well, why not judge my hair for yourself:

felberhair
Ba dum BUM!

But seriously people, my hair is awesome. Y'all should know that. And now you know it's thanks to a cat show-judging dynamo named Walter.

And in case someone doesn't know my hair, or Walter himself reads this, I leave you with a pic of my fabulous Walter-ized hair...

Thanks Walter!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

There's an art
to giving security guards a thrill...


Enjoy my schmutz-covered work ID:
SusieFelber
...with company info redacted, of course.

UPDATE: Use Gawker's evil for good... Check out my brother's blog. He's on NPR, writes for TV and recently sold his first novel. Then check out my mom's site, she's a historical romance author with over 20 novels to her credit.* Then come see me perform in person to witness hilarity incarnate.

UPDATE #2: No people, I don't think Gawker is "evil" -- in fact they've been berry berry good to me -- so stop asking. Is a cat evil for scratching? No. I can take a little love swipe just fine.

*I'm currently trying to wrangle a book party for my mom as she hasn't had one since 1984. Got a Manhattan venue recommendation for me? Let's talk.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Felber weekends -- REVEALED!

A lot of people ask why I don't blog on the weekend.

They want to know where I go and what I do.

Now for the very first time, I'm ready to share these private moments with you.

Every weekend, I go to the country, and put my feet up...

Hanging out
Here I am, relaxing in the country

Then, when the sun goes down, the bear dresses come out!

bear dress
Who's the prettiest bear -- YOU ARE!

crapchet
Crochet all day; enjoy your bear all night!

bear dress two
Goldilocks can kiss my bear's ass!

randypandy
Oh Randy Pandy you so crazy!


So that's really it. I'm exhausted come Monday. Why today alone I dressed up 46 of my bears in brand new outfits and took pictures of each one. So, if you're also into dressing up your bears and photographing them while topless and wearing a snorkle, let me know. I'd love the company.

No freaks.