Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
During a recent gmail chat, my old friend Sara told me what I've already heard many times. That my spawn "could be a baby model."
Strike a pose
Honestly, I'm as shocked as anyone. I didn't expect him to be so good-looking. I sort of figured he'd be like mom... ya know, have to work for it.
It seems to me that the writing's on the wall.
If his looks keep pace, there's a chance my boy won't be alone enough to develop an unhealthy interest in dragons, or he won't need to forge an iron-clad sense of humor as a defense or that maybe he'll be one of the popular kids. Yes, scary prospects indeed!
Future head of a frat? Shiver!
Also he's so darn happy and good-natured. I was sure I'd be sharing black nail polish with my son, but sadly, perhaps it is not to be.
My husband swears this happy thing was pulled out of me and that they didn't do a switcheroo behind the sheet.
Anywho, as he's 100% perfect and the world is clamoring for him to be a baby model, I figured I should make it easy and tell all potential future advertisers the things he is prepared to endorse, and what, on principle, he would shun.
PRODUCTS HUGO THE WONDER BABY WILL ENDORSE:
4. The QM2 (contingent upon he and his two adult handlers trying it out on an all-expense paid voyage)
6. A viable Democratic candidate for President (good luck, right?)
7. Luxury cars, luxury couture and luxury sockmonkeys
8. Big pharma (such as Peek-a-boo enhancing drugs and Klonopin)
9. Books (especially ones that are good to eat)
10. Technology & fine wines (send all merchandise to Hugo HQ for testing)
THINGS HUGO BABY WON'T ADVERTISE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
2. Toxic waste
If you represent any products from the "approved" list, have your people call my baby.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Hey you with the ruined belly.
Yes, I'm looking at you!
Let's be friends.
I've got a ruined belly too.
We can share commiserations,
Hey you with the ruined belly.
I've got a ruined belly too.
Photo cred: My foot by me.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
9:07 Comedian Ritch Duncan takes a call from Paul Sullivan. Sully, who is currently driving on the left coast, needs to know if Andres the Giant played Bigfoot on the 6 Million Dollar Man. My Google oracle says yes. As you can see, the show has not started yet.
9:15 GAME ON! Adam Wade introduces Chris Deluca. Deluca wowing the massive crowd with his "wife doesn't have a tattoo on the small of her back" material. Here "massive" = 10.
9:20 Deluca does "Lost" material. I don't watch the show so I am truly lost. But the crowd she is getting bigger!
9:26 Deluca sexual fantasies material. The crowd is going crazy. It's like /Woodstock, Jamestown and a rave, all in one.
9:27 GAME!!! Deluca introduces a game in which the audience can win free drinks. Oooooh.... very exciting! Game is called, "Is Wade Right?" Sound man is doing a cracking good job with the groovy effects.
9:29 An audience member wins three drinks just for having two brain cells to scrape together. Well, after the drinks maybe he'll only have one. New audience has been filing in. From where? Have they been hooked by this entrancing live-blogging? No doubt!
9:30 Duncan has been introduced. Everyone was very excited to hear his SNL and Tough Crowd credits. Then Deluca mentioned Duncan's hockey blog and the life was sucked out of the room. A couple of audience members hung themselves.
9:36 Duncan is killing! Some joke about "7-grain toast" and a prayer breakfast. I have no idea. I can't listen and live blog. No. Especially not when I've had a Stoli on the rocks with a lemon, my first real drink since the earth was still cooling.
9:39 Duncan is discussing a bad neighborhood of heaven. OH! He just mentioned I was live-blogging. The crowd looked at me and clapped, giving Duncan an opportunity to take a swig of his drink. I made a face to express how lame it is to be the live-blogger, which it is.
9:44 Duncan is finishing up. I want another drink but have no money. I'm on next. How can I live blog myself?
9:57 I'm off. I was very flustered. An actual Hoboken mom showed up with husband. She's super cute. I was too busy blogging to focus on my set and couldn't go all eye of the tiger on the audience with my usual outrageous laser-like comedy death ray of hilarity. Next time.
9:58 Adam Cole-Kelly up. Introduced as a writer for "Best Week Ever". All I can think of is how I was only introduced as a blogger. The cute Hoboken mom probably thinks I'm a loser! Oh -- Adam's "sun wearing glasses" joke is gold. Adam CK is cute and funny. If this were a panty-throwing crowd, panties would be thrown.
10:05Deluca introduces Adam Wade. Describes him as, "This American Life but retarded." Wade is adorable talking about a women he had a crush on as a boy. Women who walked in late are saying "awww" a lot to his brand of hilar-a-cute comedy, Wade calls his brother Matt on stage for confirmation for a bathroom story. We can hear the phone through the mic. Wade asks his brother to say something nice about him to the assembled crowd.
10:21 I'm posting a picture of the jukebox I took when I showed up. I don't know. I can not express the hilarity of the comedians on stage! Notice how Frankie Avalon is featured on the jukebox. It's like telling Frank Sinatra, Hoboken's most famous son, we don't care that you never came back. We found another Frank.
10:24 Deluca says Wade is more like "This American Life with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome." Now everyone is clapping. Wade is passing the email list, forced to apologise to everyone.
10:30Show over. Going to ignore my long time friends (they'll always be there, no biggie) to chat with hot, smart looking Hoboken mom. 10-4 good buddies.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
While you're at it you can read another post of mine today about an oversexed Disney character doin' his patriotic duty and getting down and dirty in WWII. It's called "Re: Donald's Yankee Doodle" and it's right here.
Like Donald I'm "over there" right now, but I'm keeping the blog homefires burning.
PS Speaking of the above, check out this Canadian WWII poster I just found which
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I remember seeing an interview with comedy pioneer Phyllis Diller about her inspiration for performing comedy. She said, "I had five children. I had to feed my babies!"
It stuck with me because it was so impressively plain compared to the motivators of other comedy heroes. Not the art of personal expression, fame to get back at people who didn't understand you in high school or big money. Just. feed. the. babies.
Rock on Phyllis. Me and my boy salute you. And Happy 90th if I don't see you before July.
Note: This awesome one-of-a-kind baby wear you see above is from a set of custom comedy onesies made for Hugo by pal Beth -- yes made with her own hands! The whole set includes Ernie Kovacs, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and Carol Channing. The coolest shower gift ever. And yes, you should be jealous.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Read my "Prison Survival Tips" for bad girl Paris Hilton right here on the Court TV blog.
Felber comedy rule #43: The word "spork" is always funny. Always. You can funny bank on it.
Related: My letter to Paris Hilton w/ Jack La Lanne vid.
Semi-related: My pervy spider post, handicapped guy on a rampage post and the much-blogged about Jailhouse Naughtiness post.
BOK FROM THE DEAD!
Two months ago, McDonald's served me a raw chicken sandwich and I blogged about it here. The meat was so fresh, it's still flipping out the Web, and the story just won't die.
Get inside the true story of one chick, one chicken sandwich, conspiracy theorists and cursing.
Two months after the Apiary, Gawker, Comedy Central's Insider and others wrote about my being served a raw chicken sandwich (all based on my original 3/9 blog post) a food blog posted about it yesterday and then I got Boing-Boing'd.
As Boing Boing is the 2nd most popular blog in the world (according to Technorati) that's a lot of people seeing my sandwich. Add to that the copycat effect, and now others such as VH1's BWE have blogged it anew.
But now, the picture and the story are disconnected from the source and people are commenting about how the whole thing is a hoax perpetrated by me. From the comments it's clear that they've only seen the close-up shot, not my whole set of pics from that day that have been sitting there since this began. I even found and posted the receipt last night. Why? Because my honor was besmirtched by anonymous losers? Yes! And now I know how Buzz Aldrin feels, dammit!
The people trying to bust me for a hoax post comments that range from "the pictures are too pretty" (translation: you are a talented photographer... liar) to "that's obviously a whole wheat bun" (translation: your photos are so high-res I can actually see the bread molecules). Some of the comments are really nasty and take a "gotcha" tone like they're The Smoking Gun, party of one. My favorite? One commenter called me "worse than Hitler."
So before I only suffered from a raw deal. Now, however, I'm suffering from irrational fears.
Walking home from work yesterday I started to wonder if McDonald's was angry about this. Maybe very angry. Were they the ones trying to spread the word it was a hoax? OMG! I started to wonder if McDonald's had henchmen that were going to take me out. My walk across Manhattan every weeknight is so predictable -- too predictable! Like they could be sitting in a car on 41st, with a laser sight trained on my ass, just waiting for me to come by... Breathe, Felber, breathe!
THE UPSIDE: This flood of people has drawn new people to my Flickr site. One woman saw a photo of my babe and commented, "Ok this child must be made in a lab somewhere! No way that this much cuteness occurs in nature!(Seriously, OMG. He's just achingly adorable!)." Now that's a conspiracy theory I can get into.
NOTE: "Poultrygeist" is a real zombie chicken movie as is "Zombeak." "Bok From The Dead" is mine, but aspiring zombie chicken cinematographer's can take it with my blessing. You can even buy a zombie chicken T-Shirt here.
UPDATE: I love Boing Boing. They are cool and kind to set the record straight. Check it out.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Is this baby trying to ruin author Edith Layton's illustrous career?
In the second installment of "Ask Edith Layton" on romancenovel.tv, Ms. Layton is showing off her book collection when suddenly, and quite without warning, a woeful wail is heard. Layton tries to keep it together, but watching the video, you can tell her blood is boiling!
One baby quickly emerged as the prime suspect in the library vid scandal. A baby who thinks if he can't read, no one shall. A baby who doesn't know how to spell CAT, yet has tricks that are dirtier than his diapers:
Are other historical authors at risk?
Watch it now right here and see if you don't agree with fans worldwide that this mini mite merits a muzzle!
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007