Thursday, April 27, 2006

TODAY

My man saw Joe Torre lunching at Michael's.

Me? I got nothing.

Man 1
Me 0

But wait!

Today while on a walk on the east side of the 'hattan I had an overwhelming urge for a vanilla cream-filled Dunkin Donut, and three -- THREE -- different opportunities to fulfill this. I think Satan was building Dunkin Donuts faster than I was walking.

But I bought an orange instead.

Tie game.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Who says there are no good parts for women?
Part of my continuing series on casting opportunities for women.

From this week's casting breakdowns, I found that the boys behind Law & Order: SUV currently have three -- count 'em THREE -- parts for women available: a two-time rape victim, a three-time rape victim or a two-time "rape/murder victim". I have excerpted these awesome New York casting opportunities below. Good luck!

LAW & ORDER: SVU
UNIVERSAL NETWORK TV
EPISODE: "Confrontation"
ONE HOUR DRAMA/ NBC
Exec.: Dick Wolf, Ted Kotcheff, Neal Baer
Director: David Platt
Shoots: 5.3-5.16.06
Location: NYC
PICTURES & RESUMES ASAP TO:
[REDACTED]


[MEGAN CARLISLE] Female, Caucasian, mid-late 30's; Middle class. Rape Victim. 6 months pregnant. Our only victim of this rapist not to have been attacked at least a second time - or so we think…

[GINA MILLER] Female, Caucasian, late 20's; 3 time rape victim by the same rapist. […]She details the events of her crime to our Detectives in all its emotional detail.

[ELIZABETH HASSENBACK] Female, Caucasian, 30 yrs; Rape/Murder Victim. She's a take charge, courageous and determined woman who is unwilling to remain a victim. After being raped twice by the same man she takes the law into her own hands...


***
Me? I don't think I could rape-it-up properly. And anyways, I want this part in this film:

TENDERNESS (Additional Roles) Feature Film
Greene Street Films
Union
Producers: John Penotti, Charles Randolph, Howard Meltzer
Director: John Polson
Writer: Emil Stern
Based on the novel by Robert Cormier
Location: New York
Start Date: May 22, 2006


[SMOKING CARNY] 30s-40s. This carny smoking a cigarette at a carnival answers Eric when he asks if they have one of those jumping castles for kids...1 line, 1 scene

OMG YES! I want to be a smoking carny! Please! I will start smoking again if I get this role! Vote Felber for smoking carny!

I want to live the dream!


I would say, "Look chump, you want jumping castles? Go to F@#$in' Disney."


Or I'd say, "Jumping castles? My grandpappy was killed by a jumping castle..."


Or maybe I'd say, "Jump this, buck-o" while smoking and pointing at my too-tight shorts. Then I'd cackle at Eric. Then I'd have a coughing fit.


Just remember, the casting sheet does not say it's got to be a man. A gal can dream.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My Brother the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey

My brother Adam of NPR fame cuts his finger while helping himself to a cheese plate at a baby shower and finds a way to blame America.


Only in LA kids, only in LA.

Read "Blood on the Brie" here.

But seriously, it's a hilarious post. And I totally agree with him 100% on the health care thing. Yeah, totally AND 100%. That's a lot.


Here's Adam, bravely accepting blog donations from his sickbed.

Bwah!

But seriously, feel better bro. We're all pulling for you.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Flotsam

1. My Stan made it onto Modern Pooch. For those of you that don't know, this is the dog equivalent of getting into Harvard. And it means your dog is a loser. *

2. My friend Chris Regan started a funny blog. You should click 'n see.

3. My mom got a great new review in PW and blogged about it here. I bet my mom can blog up your mom.

4. Speaking of mom, once again, without consulting her, I entered her in Regis and Kelly's "Mom's Dream Come True Contest." RKB (a brilliant woman who enters contests) would understand. I wrote about entering it last year, right here. In short: the dream was to have one of mom's books featured and selected by Kelly as a beach read. As mom's new well-reviewed book is coming out in June, how perfect would that be? So perfect.

Sure last year I heard nothing but nothing from Regis and Kelly, and Mother's Day passed with her 'n her dog coming upstate to hang with me and w/o her dream coming true... so why subject myself to the silent Regis rejection yet again? Because this year I had a newer and cuter photo of us to send that was taken in February at a family friend's wedding:

me mom 2[1].26.06
Yes, to answer your question, we do get better looking with every year. It's a family curse. By the time I hit 65, I'll be so hot the sun will look chilly by comparison. (And yes, I realize mommy and me are patternaholics. It's a disease, people!)


5. Now, not to be a bummer but it's rare you read something more disturbing than a stomach-turning expose on Darfur... yet this article about Iran is the scariest thing I've read, maybe ever.

6. No, that's it, there is no #6.


*Of course your dog isn't a loser. That was a joke, dawgs. Look, to prove it, here's my co-worker Shannon's dog Dr. Z...

Dr. Z -- OMG so cute!
FREE CANDY AND WINE FOR UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE --
TODAY!

winecandy
No, not wine candy, wine AND candy!

Word of this awesome Shakespeare, wine and candy extravaganza comes from actor, cantor, musical director, Justice of the Peace, & my old Perry Street nabe Daniel. It's at 4:30 today so I can't attend, but I encourage all unemployed, underage and elderly people to go.

You are cordially invited to a musical reading of
William Shakespeare's
The Tempest
Music and Lyrics by Daniel Neiden
The Public Theater
425 Lafayette

Manhattan
TODAY, Monday, April 24th, 4:30-5:30pm
children welcome
wine and candy will be served
RSVP via email appreciated

bozofish [at] aol.com*

*If you don't know to remove the brackets, substitute an ampersand and smoosh the email addy together to make sense, you are dead to me.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Me in the NY Post!

OK, so my hairdresser isn't the only one getting ink. Phew!

I was a contributing writer to today's little parody feature:
PAGE SIX 2026 A FRIGHTENING LOOK INTO OUR FUTURE
Page Six 2026

You can check it out right here.

Or not.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Felber ...'s hairdresser is on TV TONIGHT!

Yup, my hairdresser, Walter (who I've known since the earth was still cooling), is on PBS tonight @ 8PM in a special called Show Cats.

This is Walter. Do I really need to add that he's the one on the right?

And here's more about Walter, the international cat show judge/hairdresser in a little blog piece I wrote called "Inside the Felber Hair."

Here's more on the show from PBS.

Here's the NY Times take on the special.

Here's an article that quotes Walter in The Seattle Times.

My hairdresser getting more on-camera work and press than me? Only in New York kids.

But seriously, Walter rocks. Go Walter!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Felber's 2nd Annual Extreme Makeover Dog Edition!

Just like Extreme Dog Makeover '05, EMDE 2006 does not disappoint.

Here is my Stan before...

stan old man couch
Lookin' homeless and hideous in the Hawk!

And here is my Stan after (his yearly visit to Groomingdale's in Port Jervis, NY)...

Stan makeover big
Who is that sexy dog?

stan 4.8.06
Stan, looking like an extra from Brokeback Maltese

Note: Groomingdale's gave him the bandanna and feather 'n rhinestone hair doohickey. While I wouldn't choose this for him, I must say that now I would pay double to enjoy the surprise and the laughs at his expense. Oh, and he smelled like a Moldavian whore to boot. Good times.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

FREE slogan for WKTU from Felber!

As I fell into a brisket coma last night (that even the fresh chrain fumes couldnt wake me from), this morning I had to drag my matzoh-filled ass from my mom's on Long Island to Manhattan via the Sueb (my sexy white ((if I bothered to wash it)) little Subaru wagon).

I put on the radio and scanned until 103.5 caught my ear. It was delightful. Zooming past the riot of forsythia on the Hell.I.E., I forgot my hatred of suburbia as I enjoyed song after song...

Vintage Madonna! She's learned her lesson well, she has a tale to teh-eh-ell!

"I'm every woman! It's all in meeeeeeeee!"

And loads mo' pumping disco complete with whistles so that when I saw the Manhattan skyline, framed at the top by a graffitti-covered BQE overpass, I was transported back to the 70's, when a gal like me could've joyfully, bralessly played a new bathhouse everynight.

Dream a little dream of me.

Amazingly, in this 9-10AM block there was no annoying DJ, and no talking, save for when they hawked their contest -- to win super 'spensive designer shoes.

And so, I offer up my copywriting services (normally $500-800/hour, suckas) to my new fave radio station, WKTU.

The current slogan is WKTU: The Beat of New York

New, improved, FREE, Felber slogan is...

WKTU: A Gay Bar for Your Car!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

TODAY I spied: The first flip flops of the season!

Spotted on?

The $2 gypsy bus from NJ to Manhattan.

What's the gypsy bus?

It's a good way to inhale the fumes from the Lincoln Tunnel, and a great way to watch fellow passengers feverishly read their well-thumbed copies of the Koran.

Worn by?

A woman with a schmancy pedicure who looked like Mini-Me to J-Lo.

Who knew?

Apparently flip flops in cold temps are a Jersey thing? I thought I'd get by with my big hair, but no, I've got so much to learn...


Pic cred: http://www.jerseygirlusa.com

Friday, April 07, 2006

Page Six Scandal
JPS scandal
As seen on (and photo stolen from) Gawker.

I am SHOCKED! SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

I mean, I went to college with this guy and I can't help but wonder...
<--- Pic of JPS stolen from the Daily News Exclusive

Do I look that old?

:::shiver!:::

PS This is the same guy who made many a simple (read: poor) Catskills weekender like me cringe when he revealed in a New York Magazine article that he and his wife painted their Catskills dining room "to match an orange Herm├Ęs shopping bag."

UPDATE: OK so if the Daily News article has his age right, he's a few years older than me, which I didn't expect because he graduated a year after me. Phew!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

SNOW!?

Don't panic!

Remember what Prince sang,

"Sometimes it snows in April. Sometimes I feel so bad. So bad."

So true Prince. So true.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Live blogging C-SPAN

After taking in "Ellen" from Orlando, I decided to turn up the fun by tuning into C-SPAN

11:50PM
Immigration Cases in Federal Court
Senate Judiciary Committee

Starring...

Jonathan Cohn
Deputy Assistant Attorney

Senator Arlen Specter
R-Pennsylvania

Senator Jeff Sessions
R- Somewhere in the South

A Professor wearing glasses
UVA

I can't concentrate on "title 7-B" and "AWO's" because the cameraman behind Jonathan is wearing a blue golf shirt, chatting into his headset and swinging/pacing from side to side.

I can't grasp what they are talking about because I have zero knowledge of this stuff, so I listen without understanding, and can only entertain myself by comparing the men's eyebrows and ties. It's soothing, a bit like watching Korean soap operas.

Watching this debate makes me long for political blogs, where you know how people feel before you get there, so you can come in smug and knowing, without actually knowing anything.

Arlen looks awesome. Has he had work done?

No women here. I wonder what would happen if we gave them the right to vote?

The blue shirted cameraman is chewing gum.

12:17
BREAK!

Milling around and coughing take centerstage!

Fat blonde in need of a bra has no one to chat with.

Bald creepy man comes to talk with fat blonde. Score!

Wait, they just said that the Capitol has been evacuated because of power outages. They seem very calm about this. Is this common? Is this a C-SPAN sweeps week stunt?

I scooped CNN on the Capitol story by about 5 minutes. I can die happy.