Friday, December 30, 2005
My regular readers may have seen this snap when I posted it in November, but here it is, ever more appropriately, on the new Wonder Woman blog.
Does one need a Wonder Woman blog? The lovely and talented Jen Dzuira explains her desire to create this new blog right here. I am all for niche blogs, whether or not a new pair of undies inspired them. For example, many know I am a fan of (and sometime contributor to) the cupcake blog.
That is why, I have decided to start...
the WONDER WOMAN CUPCAKE BLOG!
Click here to preview the awesomeness of what will be fodder for my first entry.
Yup, get ready, because when we launch in the New Year, the Wonder Woman Cupcake Blog will rock your body with daily entries that reveal the ever-changing, multi-faceted, dynamic world that is created when Wonder Woman and cupcakes intersect.
Send tips to firstname.lastname@example.org
UPDATE: People, please stop sending me pictures of Spiderman Cupcakes! I only accept things like Wonder Woman Cupcakes or pictures of people as Wonder Woman eating cupcakes or vintage Wonder Woman comics with a cupcake on top (lots of great ones of those, keep 'em coming!) or a tasteful headstone engraved with Wonder Woman's lasso of truth encircling a cupcake. You get the idea...
Sorry kid, go away, you bother me.
Photo cred: http://coolest-birthday-cakes.com
Thursday, December 29, 2005
I was on vacation. Here is a picture:
"You went skiing? How thrilling!"
I managed to avoid the transit strike and the strike at Tremblant.
I love saying "t'was" as it makes me feel all classy and shit.
Writing "shit" is NOT classy. But I couldn't bring myself to write "sh*t" as that is pussy.
I'd rather be not classy than a total wussy. See? I couldn't write "pussy" twice, as I thought that was too vulgar for a classy dame like me. Also, I love the word "classy" because there's nothing classy about it and if call someone classy, it is a sure sign you aint.
Anywho, here's the latest Felber 411, I shan't deny ye any longer!
1. While I was away, an article came out about mommy and me by Dawn Eden. You can read it here. Dawn found me after I gots me some Gawker linkage of some sort. Although my goal was publicity such as this for me mum, I did not contact her. She's really nice and she did a great job. Some have pointed out to me that she's a bit right wing. Well G-d if he exists which I seriously doubt bless her. I mean that sincerely. Being right wing in NYC is about as easy as being a salmon who swims upstream to spawn while studying to be a stenographer. Hell, in my own family I'm considered a right wing nutter because I'm a liberal who gets hives hanging around most liberals and I don't find things like a photoshopped Bush holding a book upside down funny.
2. I was tagged for a book meme. I've never been tagged for a meme before. You never forget your first. But, I'm taking a rain check for I think it's far more important that my tens of tens of readers get to know the cool chick who tagged me. 'Cause you should. Go visit the blog of Margaret Evans Porter. She's an author of many books, she shares excellent photos from her lakeside base in New Hampshire and she's got bats in her belfry. Well, actually they're in her bathtub. Big brown fuzzy bats with fangs! It is bat-tastic. If you don't click here you are insane!
I first met MEP long ago when she had published her first book. I was struck by how young she was, how beautiful she was (like a heroine straight out of a Regency novel) and how such a true lady seemed to take a genuine shine to the whole scrappy Long Island Felber clan back when my bros and I were in the seriously awkward and most-likely annoying phase. In any case, visit and open your circle to include a kick-ass woman who can bust a bat rhyme and show you the miracle that is BONEHENGE! Nope, I'm not linking to her bonehenge post. It is a mysterious occult phenom in NH and, like true enlightenment, one must find it for one's self.
3. I've got to bolt to the dentist soon. My FSA runneth over. and if you don't know what an FSA is, I envy you.
*My blog post-titling brain is still on vacation.
PS I didn't say the picture was of me. But that really is how I dress on the ski slopes. I love the garish 80's ski wear and I rock it while all the cool kids wear their earthtones. Question: When there's an avalanche, Thor forbid, who's going to be found first? You in your "ice" colored Eddie Bauer jacket with subtle "moss" accents? Or me in my hot pink puffy jacket, floro tights and neon yellow headband? Take a wild guess buck-o!
NOTE: I have a screen comedy I would like to sell that was inspired by 80's ski gear and culture. Come on, wouldn't you like to see Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler in a slapstick buddy flick with a Will Ferrel-wearing-80's-ski-gear cameo? Of course you would. High powered agent -- call me! All incredibly lucrative offers considered!
Photo cred: http://www.sunvalleycentral.com/index.php
Saturday, December 24, 2005
NICE JEWISH GIRLS GONE BAD-XMAS EVE IS HERE AGAIN
Saturday, December 24th
@ 8pm and 10pm (Susie in 8PM show only)
19 W. 24th St.
$15 in advance
$20 at the door
Also there is a HeBrew Beer Happy Hour from 7-8pm, first 20 people to order HeBrew Beer gets a free pint glass.
This 3rd Annual Extravaganza, includes a refreshing mix of comedy, music, burlesque (nudie girls) and variety from NYC. This holiday season we celebrates the beeyatches who could careless about messing up their manicure and more about getting trashed off the Manschewitz. Bring your beshert, grandma and the atheist who lives down the hall for the hippest hoedown ever, like retro night in the Catskills.
All your favorite yids will be in the house, including comedians Rachel
Feinstein(Comedy Central), Rena Zager (Comedy Central, Al Franken) and
Susie Felber (Comedy Central, Conan, Court TV), singer/songwriters
Michelle Citrin and Athena Reich, the magical burlesque of the Schlep
Sisters (Darlinda Just Darlinda and Minnie Tonka) and Dottie Lux and
many more, hosted by the Ringleader, yours truly, The Goddess Perlman
in a whole slew of new brand new outfits to inspire your holiday
threads. Is it a Robot or a Giant Dreidal? Creative Genius or Too much
time on my hands? You be the judge. Also on hand will be our very
special J-girl band (Tracy Stark on keys and Eve Sicular on drums)
playing the schmaltziest schmaltz this side of the Hudson.
Get your gelt together and come see the broads who thrill everyone but their mother in a campy night of laughs, music, games and prizes.
Schlep Sisters (Darlinda and Minnie Tonka)
(Possibly Jessica Kirson)
Schlep Sisters (Darlinda and Minnie Tonka)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
OK, not yet, but soon...
Here I am in the 80's, honing my downhill skills in a grassy field behind a Massachusetts Holiday Inn. For reals.
I'm leaving soon enough though, for a freeze-yer-balls-off holiday at Tremblant with my man and our great friends Angie & Steve. So. Psyched. No time to brag about it now... and anyways, nobody is jealous of me going to Canada in December but me. Yes, I am jealous of myself.
Eat it, me!
But some news: In case I can't post while on the slopes, be on the lookout for an article about mommy and me in this Sunday's New York Daily News. The columnist appeared out of the blue Sunday night -- she found me. I swear I didn't pitch the story idea, even though getting this kind of publicity was my dream. Anywho, it should be coming out this weekend, and to me, this is even cooler than putting a glacier down your shorts. If you want to read it, the column should magically appear here, starting this Sunday. If it doesn't come out you'll all think I'm a liar. And I'll be skiing but surely I'll feel your harsh stares north of the border.
Now, I want to leave you with my sincerest holiday wishes...
My Wonderpooch Stan, 12/05. A "Stan" can be acquired here.
"May you have happiness, joy and the ability to resist the urge to dress up your dog in the New Year!"
UPDATE 12/17: We learned on Friday night Tremblant was going on a 24-hour strike, but only thanks to my man checking the website for snow conditions. Although they seemed to think it was no problem, we got nervous about this lasting longer than 24 hours and thankfully we got a refund before driving 10 hours and spending our hard-earned bucks. We arranged a totally different, and even cheaper holiday at Killington on the fly late on Friday night and we're leaving tomorrow -- Sunday. Now the news is that Tremblant is on an unlimited strike. The workers are taunting people who get on the gondola. Meaning if we had gone, our holiday would've been ruined... and I do not take well to taunting, especdially while wearing my lame-o ski gear. Apparently 1500 workers walked out, so everything from housekeeping to grooming to BARS (!) to snowplowing is compromised.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Indeed, we should 'cause it was the famed WYSIWYG talent show!
As always, there was a lot of talent and a lot of show.
After talking about how I flash my Jew-cred, I read two pieces. The first hee-larious story about holiday trauma I had recently submitted for something else, so I can't really post it here. The other one, titled "The Cantor with the Golden Throat" well, it was awright, but to be honest I just don't think it's strong enough to post -- yet. But even if it was in shape (it's not) truth is I don't blog about personal stuff here. I don't mean it's "personal" as in terribly juicy. It's not at all. It's just that's it's not of the genre of stuff I put on my blog.
If you haven't noticed, this blog is all about, a whole lotta nothing. And I don't really want to break the streak I've got going.
Many thanks to the lovely and talented Chris Hampton, Andy Horwitz and Dan Rhatigan for, once again, making it such a great experience.
PS At the last WYSIWYG talent show I did in July, an audience member took a photo of me that wasn't flattering. In fact, that photo made me look like a bloated rhino with Downs. The problem was two fold...
1: when I Googled myself (ladies you really should learn how to do this for yourselves), this hideous photo came up.
2: I would've asked this stranger to take it down, but he said really nice things about how wonderful and hilarious my WYSIWYG piece was, so I felt guilty/torn.
And so, ever since the last WYSIWYG talent show, I've been secretly trying to do damage control. First, I went into flickr and named all the flattering photos I had of myself "Susie Felber". But I found those two photos could not usurp the awesome power the hideous photo seemed to have. So, to be perfectly honest, ever since the WYSIWYG summer show I've been naming all kinds of photos "Susie Felber" even if they are of say, gas tanks or alley cats, men's undies or outdoor puppet shows.
For instance, here's a recent photo of "Susie Felber":
Wow that Susie Felber is HOT! Photo credit: www.tabletools.com
And still, even with all this, the photo is down but not out. Did this guy blow Google? I think so.
PPS No, I'm not going to link to the hideous frizzy Rhino photo. Are you kidding me?
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
This embarrassing pic of us at the lake house rental in Tanglewood is nothing compared to what I hold in my possession...
As you know, thanks to my raiding our mom's photo albums, I have obtained a picture of you from the 70's in which you are wearing a full-on velour Star Trek outfit in a non-Halloween environment.
I posted the above picture so you to know that this is not an idle threat. I have a scanner and I am prepared to use it.
If I do not get a large amount of cash from you, in unmarked bills, I will post it, or sell it to the highest bidder. I'm sure a wealthy NPR fan would love an Adam Felber Star Trek photo as a holiday gift...
The clock is ticking buck-o.
MOO HA HA HA!
Your evil sister,
MOO HA HA HA!
MWHOO ha ha ha! MOO HA HA HA! MOOOOO HA HA HA!
PS MOO HA HA HA!
Friday, December 09, 2005
Here's the Page Six item.
Ye olde wrecking ball, ye know not what ye take...
Liza had her first legal drink at the Tripple. Freddie Prinze started hosting and doing comedy there when he was 16. The Beatles hid out there before their Ed Sullivan appearance. Larry David started there (and then came back with HBO and chickened out and ran before he was supposed to do my show). Rita Rudner & Jeffrey Ross did comedy for the first time there. But really everyone performed there... I couldn't even begin to list all the names. Heck Chairman and CEO of Home Box Office Chris Albrecht and Bob Zmuda performed there. From a google cache I found this:
ALBRECHT: It got 'em rockin'. We, actually, were probably the only act to ever get thrown off stage at the Tripple Inn for obscenity, or as it's called, 'Ye Olde Tripple Inn'.
HIGGINS: Ye Olde Tripple Inn, yes. Oh, I've been there. They don't have comedy there anymore.
ALBRECHT: They don't? Well, there's a reason for it.
But more importantly, for 6 years I produced and hosted a show there. Lewis Black was nice enough to do my first ever Tripple show in 1997. What the Zmuda generation doesn't know is that so many of the young comics who did that little booked show of mine from 1997-2003 (and died a thousand deaths on that little bar stage) are currently Emmy-Award winning TV writers, mega-successful performers and incredible comedians who have gotten better with each year. More importantly, they are my friends. And they always understood that doing a show like the Tripple was better than whoring themselves out to bringer shows at comedy clubs.
Originally the Tripple was slated to close July 1st. So at the end of June I had a huge comedy blowout. I then posted this fabulous original Tripple Elegy that was written and performed by M. Sweeney Lawless. It's so wonderful. So I'm posting it again.
Elegy for Ye Olde Tripple Inn
Followers of my blog know Ye Olde Tripple Inn is being sold to make way for luxury condos. The following was written for and performed on 6/28/05 at my last-ever Tripple Inn comedy show. by the immensley talented (and widely-published) M. Sweeney Lawless.
28 June 2005
Elegy for “Felber’s Frolics” and Ye Olde Tripple Inn
263 West 54th Street New York, New York 10014
by M. Sweeney Lawless
Come, o yellow backhoe
Dig deep the gully along which shall run
The bathwater of bankers
And what becomes of a three-star Michelin dinner.
Here were a thousand comics launched.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Paxton’s Crystal Palace, Ebbets Field,Live on in endless tribute.
But what will become of the hallowed memory of the place
Where once Liza Minelli and the Beatles and Freddie Prinze
All came – not at the same time, of course – and the drink prices were not unreasonable?
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Arise, o infants of professionals, and howl
Vomit and get out of school
The reek of flop sweat gives way to waft of microwave pizza.
The rows of celebrity photos rolled over by Sherman Williams;
I only hope the construction crews are union.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Seek, o denizens of New Jersey and Long Island!
Seek, ye folk of Queens, Brooklyn, and the Bronx!
Wander up and down, swear it was here that time you came to the City with your cousin.
Curse the Google search that told you we would still be here.
Damn the Internet, where advice never dies.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Yankees games on the big screen will give way
To the Yankees games on roughly 40 big screens -- flat screens with High Definition.
But when the men in pinstripes ever score a run,
There will be no back-slapping or clinking of glasses;
Nay, 20 women and 20 men will raise a Lite beer and nod, each in their own blue light.
(Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Let us all meet here in one year’s time to see the empty lot.
In two years’ time we’ll come to watch the flick, flick, flick of all those TV sets.
Ten years from tonight, let us meet outside the condo at midnight, and before the doorman calls the police who used to come here to throw darts,
We will bow our heads and observe a moment of silence
Marred only by the thought of 40 pairs of Yuppies quietly humping.
(Ye Olde Tripple Inn is dead. Long live Ye Olde Tripple Inn)
Link to her original posting of this here.
Note: M. or Meg, performed at my 2nd-ever show at the Tripple, in January of 1997. The more I read this, the more I love it.
*The Tripple is closing to the public after tonight. Tomorrow they are having a party for friends and then they are auctioning off everything in the joint on Monday.
UPDATE: At lunchtime I went by there for one last burger and learned there's is a website dedicated to the Tripple's demise, put up by a loyal regular. It's called the "Tripple Inn Refugee Internet Portal" or T.R.I.P. for short.
UPDATE 2: For posterity, here's an article about Kid Rock doing my show at the Tripple, just before anyone knew who Kid Rock was. Limp Bizcit was also there and the Atlantic Records musicans were way nicer than this piece lets on. As for all the celebs who came to my show mostly by accident, (other than Penn of Penn & Teller fame, back when I was a sucky comic and a sucky saw player) I am too tired to mention them. Sure, we had celebrities a plenty at that little divey bar, but mainly, I loved the regulars and the tourists and the tourists who were semi-regulars. Our mixed up audience, who happened to wander in to a totally wonderful crazy scene. If you qualify as one of those, I can truly say I adore you.
Update 3: HOW in the world did I miss this gem? Christian Slater Tripple Inn drama from July '05.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
"Susie wore these amazing legwarmers"
Photo and caption by comedian/model/writer/producer/blogger/entrepreneur Jennifer Dziuria of www.jenisfamous.com
Legwarmers by my friend and neighbor Isabelle who, before moving to Florida, gave me her entire stash of awesome never-worn 80's winter gear.
Note: If you can't tell, the warmers are being worn over faux pink snakeskin boots which are quite sexy and somewhat surprisingly, made by Aerosoles.
Note 2: Adding the word "faux" when describing any pink reptile is probably unnecessary, right?
Update: OK, I admit I only did this post in the first place because my legwarmers suffered an unprovoked attack last night when, upon returning from a hard day at work, my man made it very clear to me that he did not like my legwarmers one bit.
So today I sent him this post with the subject line, "Well someone likes my legwarmers."
OK, to be honest, Jen didn't say she liked my leg-cessories. She just called them "amazing." Perhaps she meant it in the way one would say, "Hitler killed an amazing number of Jews." Or "The legwarmers were just one amazing example of her crashingly bad taste."
In any case, he responded to my email about someone -- anyone -- liking my legwarmers with a link to this photo:
Photo credit: http://www.gijoeelite.com catalog
Mean! And how was he was able to find such a mean photo?
All I have to say is...
"I searched under "puttee". The British army used to wear them."
Good question, Mo.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Fake David CrossUpdate
Last night, after doing Jen's fantastic show in Williamsburg, I went to a West Village bar I hadn't been to in years. And after I had all but forgotten about it; I think I finally found out who fake David Cross is.
It's rather sad.
According to the adorable bartender who's still adorably bartending after all these years, fake David Cross is "no longer welcome" in that bar.
But not because he's prone to being fake David Cross, but simply because now he's a total crazy alchie.
The bartender said the guy had a split personality; said he knew the guy was close to going totally "Skizz-oh." When he said this he illustrated the guy's "crazy" by putting his hands together as in a prayer and then slowly opening them up two thumbs width apart.
He said he was a great guy...half the time. Said he'd been fired from many magazines. New York, Elle and Us Weekly among them. I found it hard to believe. I said, "He told me he was a poet. How do you know this high-powered magazine life of his wasn't just a Zima-fueled fantasy?" He said he was sure. He had even visited him in his office at Elle (How many bartenders show up at your office? And how come cute bartender had never come to my office?).
In any case, I guess psycho magaziners are the new black. And yes I now know fake Cross' name, and what he worked as, but out of respect to the pickled imposter, I'm not going to post it.
But the bartender thinks it's amazing that people mistake him for David Cross (even though he'd seen it happen many times) or care about this dude pretending to be David Cross to score a drink. "What kind of story is that?" he said. "Who cares?"
I thought adorable bartender had a point. Probably because I didn't want to look uncool in his eyes.
So we went back to talking about what we'd talk about in the old days: bird watching. I bragged about the black crowned night heron I saw on 3rd ave. He was amazed. "But is there water there?" Yup, I said, a big ass fountain. We discussed what's going down in midtown bird habitats, the proliferation of hawks in the 'hattan, and then he came at me with a rare northern owl he had spied hiding in a tree uptown. I was jealous. Amazed. After all this time, his bird nerding still trumped mine.
But, you know, the fake David Cross thing...is not without parallel in the bird world. I'm serious. The cuckoo is known for an amazing ability to lay an egg that mimics that of other birds. And then the baby cuckoo will be brought up by clueless birds who will feed and nuture the enormous faker in their nest. The cuckoo, like fake David Cross, is an imposter and a parasite that has the ability to remain undetected by most. But instead of free drinks and sex, the cuckoo scores grubs. And as the cuckoo just happens to be a buzzword for crazy... oh, it's too good.
In any event, from here on in, I resolve to only stalk, identify and bore people about wildlife, not celebrity imposters. Amen.
UPDATE: WTF? I just did a google search on this guy's name... IS IT POSSIBLE A RADAR DUDE IS FAKE DAVID CROSS? Holy crows.
UPDATE 2: I removed the photo I posted of possible fake David Cross out of respect for possible fake David Cross.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
And others too... I'm performing in Williamsburg this coming Monday at Jen's comedy spectacular:
Monday, December 5th
The After-School Comedy Special (formerly "Comedy Show & Tell") mixes performances by top young comedians with nostalgic diversions including show & tell, free candy, and Mad Libs. Bring an item for show & tell, or just come watch and have fun. Hosted by Jenisfamous.com
Come on down!
Thursday, December 01, 2005
How To Kick People was a hot show last night, in both senses of the word.
Here was my intro for Bob.
"I am going to present two truths and one lie about Bob Powers. I not only know which statement is false, but I know the reason why..."
And here are the two truths and one lie Bob Powers sent us. I will read them so you can judge for yourself and then I'll give my expert lie-busting analysis.
1. Bob Powers played the male lead in his middle school's production
of the musical "Plain and Fancy."
2. When he was eight, Bob Powers sent Linville Orchards, a
Pennsylvania Pumpkin Patch, into a brief moment of "Lockdown" when it
was thought that he was missing. It took only a few panicked minutes
to discover that he was hiding in the hayloft.
3. Bob Powers broke his foot while skateboarding at age 23.
I’ll cut to the chase... the skateboard thing is true. Obviously. It makes him look cool. The orchard thing? Trickier. The rich detail makes it ripe to gain your vote for truth, yet as Bob fancies himself as something of a writer one can picture him stroking himself to climax as he concocted this elaborate bit of personal diamonique. So by the power of deduction vested in me, I say that Bob starring in Plain & Fancy is a lie. Also, I know that when Bob’s middle school was performing Plain and Fancy, Bob was in traveling around France, performing the cello opon a faux fur stage (how appropriate for that lying twat) as one-armed musical freak. I even have a picture...
Ye Olde Bob Powers
Note on above: Turned out the pumpkin story was Bob's true lie. Rats! I was so close!
Note to self: don't rush so much, don't bail on the new piece, especially when it's going decently.
PS Handy tip for people how have had a little too much pinot grigio after reading at a show on 15th street and don't want to wait for the bus. Steer clear of Apple Bank, they charge huge ATM fees. First time I've gone to a bank that charges more than my local bodega. $2.50!