Tuesday, November 29, 2005

My mom is funnier than your mom.

Check the email that just landed on me from my mom:

From: (mom)
To: (me)
Cc: (
a nice romance author friend of hers)
Date: Nov 29, 2005 9:55 AM
Subject: well, if this writing career gets too troublesome...

one door closes, another opens, eh, mate?

Yahoo news from Australia...

And all you get from your mom is virus hoaxes.
Plus the occasional cute-kitty-in-a-pint-glass forwards...

Well luckily, I get those from her plus stuff like the above.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Bat Mitzvah arms race continues...
or
How to make that Ashanti Bat Mitzvah look like dog food.

More EXCLUSIVE 411 on the fancy pants Rainbow Room Bat Mitzvah my brother worked on Thanksgiving...

It was for the daughter of David H. Brooks. There's a Daily News bit about it here from the beginning of November:

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/363087p-309201c.html

Here's the scoop on who actually performed:
The Eagles
50 Cent
Aerosmith
Nelly
(word was this was last minute)

...and more, but he didn't recall the others.

People were leaving/had left when Aerosmith was on, because it was 3:30AM. Most people didn't see Aerosmith; my brother got to see a bit before breakdown. Rumor had it that Brooks issued death threats if the performers didn't show up.

My brother Mike worked 3 virtually back-to-back shifts on Thanksgiving:

At first he was told they would make $40/hour. So he got some friends to work it with him. But the agency said the client didn't come through. Said the client (Brooks) was being very difficult.* In the end they received $20/hour. He worked one 10 hour shift, one 13½ hour shift, and then an 18 hour shift for the breakdown. He also did 3 hours of unpaid work on top of this because the woman who was hiring them was in a bind. He earned time and a half -- 30 dollars -- when the shift went over 10 hours.

They did not provide food or breaks for food, save one time they all received $10 to eat and one hour. Some workers scrounged in the employee kitchen and found rice and a few other things like canned soup. My brother has an odd habit of always carrying food in his bag, so he was OK.**

The work he did was setting up and breaking down. Some of it, most of it, was very physically demanding. Putting up and taking down heavy rigging for the acts and dealing with the Chihuly thingys. But as my brother's well-earned nickname is Jew Ferrigno, this was no problem.

I, on behalf of my brother, was outraged by how little they were paid and how badly they were treated. My brother admitted the lack of food was not cool, but he wasn't kvetching beyond that. He said he enjoyed "the camaraderie." Oh, but after the 3:30 shift, the workers were allowed to eat the leftovers.

Incidentally, my brother Mike is also a Long Island boy. His own Bar Mitzvah featured ace entertainment: Dominick Esposito's band (Dominick being the husband of my father's secretary), and me singing a showstopper from Annie.

*When describing the money they would not be making, they explained to the workers that Brooks was trying to "Jew them down."

**The habit isn't odd, but what he carries is. My brother has very little money and lifts weights. Hence cheap-ass protein often = mackerel. When he's rocking the mackerel in his bag, and we're going out to visit mom, I won't let him in my car.

Update: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go, coincidentally, to a photo shoot for Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad at the Y. I never mind donning the fishnets and paint to do a shoot, but tonight I'm distracted as I am completely freaking out about reading at HTKP -- all 'cause I saw Time Out use the word "literary" to hawk it. Oi! Oy!

Update II (Tuesday 11/29/05): Lloyd Grove finally picked up the story after Gawker broke it yesterday, causing my sitemeter to go through the roof (I have so few readers compared to the Gawks I don't call my post "breaking" the story). Of course, Lloyd made no mention of the workers being stiffed. And of course, whatever Stever Tyler or 50 Cent got paid doesn't rankle me. I mean, it may be a waste, and sure the orphans could use the millions more, but my brother is not an international superstar. And let's be honest...what have the orphans done for us lately? Squat.

However, if the reports of the giftbags are true (digital cameras and video iPods), that means every guest (over 200) made off with more booty for attending that party (a lotta 13-year-olds) then he made for working 44 and a half hours of back-breaking work. And no, my brother doesn't have health insurance*, and no, this was not, obviously, union work. But still, I'm the only one who's pissed. He's an incredibly nice guy, enjoys using his muscles and has the ability to enjoy the absurdity of it.

*Unless he finally fanagled some medical for being low income. I know he was working on it.

Update III: This is my brother Mike I'm talking about, not to be confused with my brother Adam of NPR fame.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thanksgiving Leftovers

1. On Thanksgiving, my brother Michael worked two 10 hour shifts to help set up and break down a Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room. Entertainment that was slated to appear: The Eagles, Aerosmith and 50 Cent. "Now you are a woman! A very privileged woman." I've got to call him to get the full 411.

2. My man has another article in the FT this weekend, this time about manners and Lynn Truss of Eats, Shoots and Leaves fame. Read it now right here before the subscription veil goes up. Or buy yourself a FT.com subscription. It's about 1/500000th of the price of a star-studded Bat Mitzvah at the Rainbow Room.

3. I myself am spending the weekend in the country and am taking many a brisk bike ride. It's lovely, but I'm literally sweating cranberry bread.

OK, not literally. But close enough.

4. I'm doing a reading thingy at HTKP on Wednesday. Come on down.


Note: Turkey Enchiladas photo courtesy of Google image search and Uncle Bumpy.com

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

FAG HAG EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
This is not a test. I repeat. This is not a test...

karaokebarbie Sound the alarm!*

Comcast has Karaoke On Demand!

The indomitable CableFAX daily alerted me to the fact with this item:

Freebird!!! We knew Karaoke On Demand was popular in Comcast’s Philly system. But we were hoping it was just a fad that would wear off. No chance. After logging 1mln orders in the first 2 weeks (Cfax 11/08), Philly took in 2mln orders for the entire month. All without marketing.
Get on the stick Time Warner! You can call me bitch dog anytime. Just give me some of that hot KOD action!

Oh, I see, you’re trying.

But is Time Warner's offering gonna be 80 songs as stated above or a 15,000 song library?

Whatever. If all you offer is Total Eclipse of the Heart, 24/7, I’m there.

*Woot woot, beep beep, Ughhhh YEAH!

Monday, November 21, 2005

I attempt to dip my toes into Service Journalism.

This morning, thanks to Blogger.com's little subtle scrolling thingy that reveals recently updated blogs, I found this brand new blogger site :

How to write FUNNY IDEAS & make EASY MONEY!!!!! FREE Tips! FREE Advice!
FREE Secrets,Tips and Advice On how to come out with FUNNY IDEAS for Cartoons, Comic-Strips, Gags, TV-Sitcoms, Sketches, Greeting Cards, Speeches, Print Humor & Stand-ups. Just Search and CLICK!!


The blogger profile says the writer is in Malaysia. As a working comedian, I had to wonder, does Malaysia hold advanced comedy money-making technology?

While American comics scrape by, is Malaysia laughing all the way to the comedy bank?

To be honest, I had always thought of Malaysia as a sort of humorless place, what with their flair for comedy censorship and all.

But then I thought, what if these comedy money-making secrets are actually the mythical Malasian "Land of Gold" revealed? To refresh your memory on ancient Malasyian history, see below:

Hindu Kingdoms 100 BC - 1400 AD
Early writings from India speak of a place called Savarnadvipa -- the Land of Gold. This mystical, fantastically wealthly kingdom was said to lie in a far away and unknown land, and legend holds that it was on an odyessy in search of Savarnadvipa that the first Indians were lured to the Malay Peninsula.
-- history lifted from this site.

Was that what the early Indians were seeking? A sure-fire way to rake in bucks writing funny greeting cards and lucrative gags? Pre-morning coffee, it seems entirely plausible!

So, in pursuit of this possible pot of hilarity gold, I have requested an interview with this site's owner.

Details TK. That is, if details do indeed come.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I got something on the illustrious Black Table...

Go here & check out, WAXING OFF: WHEN THANK YOU TURNS TO FUCK YOU.

-- Noelle Hancock, Cathy Hannan, Susie Felber, Katie Seitz and Jen Hubley
11.17.05


And as my bit refers to a Wonder Woman fantasy, here's an extra special appropriate bonus pic of me, living the dream:
Hey Felber groupies! Stay tuned, 'cause if I remember and can be bothered, I might post the bigger, longer and waxier version of my Black Table story. Wow!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Last night's book party for Edith Layton a.k.a. mom. More photos and Snappy Captions TK.

mendel sara
Mendel! Sara!

Rob plus
Rob! Kambri! Andres!

RoseJul
Rose! Julian!

diane sharon
Diane! Sharon!

GardnerRichard
Gardner! Scottish guy! Richard!

gypsy cake
Cake!

Greene Floyd
Floyd! Lori! Chase!

Felbrkbknutmo
A Felber! Knutsen! RKB! Mo!

Books
Books!

Avon friends
Mom 'n Avon!

Bob Amanda
Bob & Amanda!

gypsy family
Wow, Jew Ferrigno showed up!

Susie gold

Monday, November 14, 2005

Book party for Mom -- TONIGHT!

Yup, tonight's the night. After more than two decades, and 30 published novels, my mom is having her second-ever book party. This time in Manhattan, and this time not at her house so she doesn't have to make the Sanka. And yeah, she's worried it'll make her look like an egomaniac. I mean, two book parties in 21 years? Girl, PLEASE! Anywho, blame me, this was all my big idea.

I made a cool-ass slideshow for the party. Scanned like a fiend. Here's a wee preview of some stuff that made me happy.
EdithPLay
Mom wins a play prize & the attention of two dudes drinking out of coffee cups.

Mom75
Mommy & me enjoying a smoke.

maine75write
Mom when she was a journalist & aspiring novelist. Note her patented two cups of wine writing technique.

And finally, enjoy an embarrassing pic of my brother...
Adam Felber 75
Hey mateys! It's NPAAARRRRH's Adam Felber!

Private to Adam: Better be nice to me... 'cause I have recently obtained a picture of you lounging in a velour Star Trek chemise, and I am prepared to use it.

Private PS to Adam: MOO HA HA HA!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Scanner, what hath thou wroth!

Finally, I can share my art with the world...

Subwaycomixs1
By me, created on the D

Saturday, November 12, 2005

PARTY!

I just got a scanner! Scanner! I love you scanner! MmmmmWAH!

But I'm going to a little party right now, so I can't play with it all night.

Speaking of parties, here's a pic of one of my parties:
PARTY!
Older boys?! Barefoot around-the-hat dancing?! CRAZY!

I am 8 years old in this pic.

That's my best friend Yuh Suhn dancing the wild fandango.

And yes, every kid who came to my annual Halloween party got a big sharp steak knife to carve their own pumpkin and matches to light them. Supervision Schmupervision!

I am so ready to scan anything and everything, up to and including my dog's ass. It's a good thing I have plans tonight.

Friday, November 11, 2005

See Me Feel Me Touch Me Heal Me*

Last night at RKB's party:

Completely candid photo by Brian of 485i.com

And tonight performing in Hut Tub with Kurt Braunohler & Kristen Schaal:

TONIGHT Friday, at 9:30 pm
The Peoples Improv Theater
154 W. 29th Street, 2nd Fl (between 6th and 7th aves)
New York, NY 10001
212-563-7488
Buy tix online tix
here

From their site...
Who's in the Hot Tub this week?
Patrick Borelli (Conan, Comedy Central's Premium Blend) will rock you gently.
Susie Felber (MTV2, Conan, US Weekly's Fashion Police) will frolic for you.
Sue Galloway and Julie Klausner (SNL, Conan) will let you be free to be you and me.
Matt Oberg will impress you with his flower pressing skills.


*Offer to touch me, feel me and heal me may expire without notice.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

About Last Night

Headlined at Morisson Motel. Good Times. Although the site is pretty, it hasn't been updated since December 2004. But as I happened to be on that particular show, I don't really mind.

Bought some Latina Spirit hair conditioner, to ya know, foil some marketing person's plans. Let them think they've cracked the Latin market and recoil in horror when they find it's just me -- little ol' Susie sans salsa.

Got home, slipped into something a little more comfortable and put Neosporin on my dog. Caliente!

PS I'm doing a show Friday. Check it out in my glorious sidebar calendar thingy. Or just go here: http://www.hottubvariety.com/

Monday, November 07, 2005

Enjoy Paris Hilton's one facial expression and a bouncing panda game that makes me wish I was unemployed.

Just a little entertainment to see you through until you can come see me perform LIVE tonight at Lolita Bar. All the details can be found by scrolling down, looking at the calendar on my sidebar or going here.

Sincerely hoping it does not burn when you pee,

Susie

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm in a show tonight at Laugh Lounge. I just heard we have 130 reservations.

Cool beans.

Oh, and yeah, the David Cross impersonator thang is totally true. But, I don't think he seals the deal with chicks as often as he sucks down the free drinks from duped bartenders and frat boys.

10-4 good buddies.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dog Cat Radio dot com

Yeah, I'm listening. So's my pooch.


Picture by Tony Cenicola/The New York Times

Read all about it.

The DJ just said, "No, we're not freaks..."

I say:
If playing 80's hits for pets is wrong, I don't wanna be right.