Thursday, July 31, 2003

I like Gawker. I like the tone of voice, the gossip and the links. But Gawker is beginning to wear on me. Gawker makes a career out of telling you what isn't cool anymore. Trucker hats, Friendster, MOBs that aren't of the original ilk, saying "peeps", etc..

I'm tired of being "over" things. I long for publications that go out on a limb and tell you what is cool. Even though they're usually late, grossly exaggerating the facts or dead wrong, it takes more balls, no?

See the recent overblown New York magazine article on the Catskills for example.

The article claims that the Catskill mountain winds make the bugs not a problem. Please tell that to my spotty inflamed ass. If you don't wear enough Deet to ensure you're certain to have 5-headed babies, you will be bitten to small uneven pieces.

The article also tells of pie in the sky properties for sale. You CAN NOT get a charming farmhouse "fixer-upper" with privacy and land for less then a Manhattan one bedroom... unless it's on a major country highway with screaming traffic, has no plumbing and also features a dog breeder living next door with 50 kennels full of baying huskies.

The article also doesn't tell of bears who overturn your composter for fun. I will.

Oh and the article profiles a journalist I went to college with. I was embarrassed when they claimed he and his girlfriend, "painted the dining room to match an orange Herm├Ęs shopping bag." I wonder, was he?

I love the rustic, homey area of the Catskills I'm in (Not telling! Please don't move there!) but New York magazine needs to put the cap back on the glue.

Since I became a weekender in them there sticks (me a writer and comedian with my British journalist arm candy and our stray dog! So sexy!) long before the article, maybe I am finally a cool trailblazer!

But as I well know and as I imagine Gawker would confirm, once you've made it to cool, you're no longer cool. I worry that, hoist by their own petard, the same may soon apply to Gawker.
As I mentioned, I got a small part in a real live indie feature. I just got back from Melbourne. No, the one in Florida, baby. It was a total blast. I have great faith in everyone associated with this film. The strong script, ace directing and blend of up and coming comedians with established comedy actors will make this film. The crew was great and though I was only there for a week the actors (save me) were great. My acting goal is and always is, "to not suck." Beyond that I can't judge myself.

Now I almost understand why actors do those Thor-awful TV interviews that begin and end with; "It was wonderful. He was wonderful. Oh yeah, so-and-so is really brilliant. It was so great working with X."

See now I know what they're editing out: The 4 AM group swimming, the music and the singing, the fabulous meals, the crew member who gets drunk and tells everyone a sexual tidbit that makes one wonder if it's more disturbing that we all know they did it or that not one other person had ever even thought about doing it.

Or maybe that was just our set.

Read more about the fun, talented bunch in another article about the movie that came out on Sunday.

Sadly the pictures didn't make it to the web, but whateve.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Blogging into the Sunset

Will all of us be blogging 10, 20 years from now? How about 50 years from now? I traveled far into the future just to find out. Here's a piece from a random blog I found. It's not that popular from what I can tell, but it seems fairly representative of the blogs from the mid 21st century. It was titled, "It All Depends." Note: If some of the text seems to have funky characters, it's because it's very hard to cut and paste from future blogs to our modern day ones...

12/3/2065

Sorry I haven't posted in sooooo long. I took my comments system down because I was tired of all the trash talk from the anti-human peeps.

My kid called today. She says, "Hey mom! How's it going?" I'm like, HELLO, I'm in a goddamn nursing home, how do you think I am? I'm served my choice of tuna or egg salad every freakin' day (note: the tuna rocks, actually) and my roommate screams through the night and barks during the day. My daughter's husband is still an asshole (surprise!). He's got eyes that are indistinguishable from the common weasel. Just do an image search on Google for Dave Sheaderbaum and you'll see what I mean. I'm soooooo glad none of the grandkids got his rat-like features. I'd post a photo of him but Brittney down the hall in 3D broke my scanner trying to update her Korn nostalgia site. That woman was born senile. I had something else I wanted to write but I can't remember it...and they've come to change my Depend so sayonara for now!

12/4/2065

Not much today, but check out this link that was sent to me. Looks like Gawker has the dirt on the aliens that took over Earth last week. IMHO the Kzrandish are much better looking and they don't wear those annoying hats. I would love to know how they get their tentacles so shiny! I say if we're going to be ruled by aliens, you just gotta deal, but I've got a terrible feeling that these guys are going to be even more annoying than our Sendok rulers were.

Oh damn. Brittney says she needs the computer and they haven't come to change my personal undergarment. This blows worse than the egg salad. I'm still bummed that everyone 30 years younger than me is immortal thanks to that new fangled alien technology. Not fair! Wahhhh! Ah well, what are you going to do?

12/5/2065

Oh. Mi. Gawd.

Was checking my site meter today. I expect to get hits looking for naked pictures of the Kzrandish leader, but what I didn't expect was someone searching for my asshole son-in-law. So I checked the IP and it's him. He was searching for his own name! I guess he's got nothing better to do since the aliens enslaved him and made him temp on the Mothership. As he's the one who made me go into the nursing home rather than live with him on his huge (but oh-so tacky) digs on Mars all I can say is BURN! The upside is they've probably anally probed him good. Then again, I wouldn't mind being anally probed by a whole Kzrandish platoon, but that's another story! Ah, a gal can dream... Oh! I think I've wet myself. Ciao for now!

12/6/2065

Ha! Check this out. Gawker overheard a Zrreftian at a downtown tourist trap drunkenly boasting that the aliens made the under 65 set immortal just so they can work for them forever. I could just die of happiness! Dave -- jealous much? Hahahahaha!

Rats. Even typing that laughter made me leak pee. Whateve dudes, I recently found I can get my stash way cheaper online.

12/7/2065

It's now the law that the word "snarky" must be printed in every article, everyday. They say it's the aliens way of breaking down our will. I'm sad to say, it's working. Boo aliens. These alien oppressors really are oppressive. I have half a mind to send my used diapers to the Mothership. Naw, I'm too much of a pussy and besides I'm not ready to be vaporized yet! Later. It's MC Tuna time.


Sunday, July 20, 2003

The Real Wizard of Was

I think I saw Michael Musto ride by on his bike a week or so ago. I googled the phrase 'Michael Musto Bike' and found a genuinely sort of cute article from '99 about him and his bike. So now I'm pretty sure I saw Michael Musto ride by on his bike! While walking my little dog too!

I thought that was pretty cool especially since when it comes to fingering celebs in my midst I'm usually as talented as Mister Magoo at an orgy.

Then I found this:

"...I saw Village Voice gossip columnist Michael Musto ride by on his bike, something I've seen many times in the past five years. "

- writer Jami Attenberg, 6/4/03

So...I'm reporting a sighting that's not fresh, totally unremarkable and I'm gossiping about merely seeing a gossip columnist. I would really feel pathetic if I didn't have a red hot sighting to report!

Today I saw Joe Franklin get out of a car on West 4th street, a stone's throw from Stonewall on Christopher street and not 10 feet from my bank!

My bank! Joe was outside of, and not far from Chase. Chase does not charge me fees when I use their bank machines. That's how connected I am!

You want cutting edge? You got it!

Because I obviously don't.
Simpletons

"Everything you ever wanted to know about simplification is in the pages of Janet Luhrs's The Simple Living Guide. It is truly an encyclopedic work."

- Elaine St. James
author of Simplify Your Life and Living the Simple Life.
Source: simpleliving.com

I am obsessed by and am thoroughly suspect of people who make their living through "simplicity."

In the interest of full disclosure I come from a pack rat family that admires the pluck of the Collier brothers (Collyer?) and religiously practices the ancient art of Fucked Shui.

Yeah, I'll admit there may be quite a few skeletons in the Felber family closet. To wit, we haven't seen uncle Herman since he tried to fetch his rain slicker.

Friday, July 18, 2003

I started thinking about how the mass of gossipy New York blogs reminded me of Foucault's panopticon.
So I started re-reading Foucault.
And I remembered why
I'm so glad
to be finished with being a student.

Now you'll excuse me, this former pretentious wanna be intellectual has schlocky horoscopes to write.

Friday, July 11, 2003

I'm Ready For My Close Up

No, not really.

Not really ready, that is. But I thought the following might be more interesting than telling you about my annual morning jog.

Looksie here kids, I'm going to have a small part in a movie.

I'm way psyched and I'll believe it's really happening about 6 years after I've done it.

Saturday, July 05, 2003

When I see an anonymous blog where someone hasn't posted in a good long while, I have wondered and worried, "What if this person has died?" Their blog might just be floating like a silver granola bar wrapper lolling down a dirt road. Ohmigawd what if?"

Then, fearing they are dead I notice that their cute complaining about the lady in line in front of them at Bed Bath & Beyond (who held them up trying to get a price check on glass cookie mix gift jars) suddenly seems a tad less poignant. Seeing as I don't know them and this is what they have left behind for eternity, well it would almost be sadder than their death. Or maybe just embarrassing.

Well I'm alive and I'm too tired and hopped up on Crystal Light cocktails to be deep or to even be trivial in an interesting way. But I am egotistical enough to worry that my 3 loyal readers are worried sick about me and so I find I am able to be a self-promoter. Thank the cocktails and the magic of cut unt paste for this rare Felber plug.

This coming Tuesday I'm appearing in:

Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and also there is a game.

GTN as it is known is @ St. Marks Theater
94 St. Marks Place between First Ave. and Avenue A and also it is slightly underground
8PM
$5 at the door only
b.y.o.b. but in a non a-hole way, s'il vous plait.

And I'm be doing something all new kitty cats. Thor willing it won't suck.

Ahhh, but the show won't suck as it's owned and operated by brilliant M. Andres du Bouchet.